I met someone over OKC. She makes a nice fuckbuddy, but I don't see things going anywhere. We just have different values and directions. She only ever calls me when she's drunk or high and we've both said that we aren't looking for anything serious, which is definitely true. Right now, I define a date and dating as hanging out and having fun. I guess what I want in a partner is someone that I feel like I can do that with non-stop. Someone who can make me laugh and smile, and when we get together and explore common interests, it feels like we're best friends, but with incredible sexual chemistry. We both give each other the space we need and we both acknowledge that we do, in fact, need space, she's not clingy, and I'm not over-pursue-y, but we both want each other's company. I realize I'm ranting now, but it's kind of helping me see the values I'm desiring.
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Dating-Age |OT4| Realise You're Living in the Golden Years
- Thread starter Minamu
- Start date
- Status
Always great to say things out loud to realize what one really thinks. So that's great. Don't worry, though. You'll meet someone you'll just want to be with. I'm a huge mix of intro- and extrovert. I love being in social situations, but I also at time need to just withdraw. Always, before, with friends, I'd love to hang out with them, but then need my time. At the beginning of my previous relationship, I was exactly the same. Then one day I realized that withdrawing meant being with her. She was a part of my 'sphere', and having her there was nothing like it used to feel with others.
You say you both give each other space. The first thing I ask myself when I think that is if I'm a balanced person that would do that. Do I have enough past-times that will demand time from me, in a way that I wish to have some space and need to do other things? That way, you get the different pacings that will be the space that's a fertilizer for a relationship. If both have no past-times, it might still be great hanging out, but variety is the spice of life. Sometimes you have to go to a party alone, even if you're with someone, just to realize how lucky you are to have the girl you have. That's what I always used to think when I was out without my ex.
Wow, I think I'm taking a step forward. I can look back at the time with my ex with warmth and enjoy thinking about the way things used to be, but not at the same time feel sad. I think I'm past my saudade stage
That's a Portuguese word to google, btw. It's one of the hardest words to translate to other languages.
At the moment I'm seeing a girl that makes me feel exactly like this. The last time I was with her was magical, one of the best nights I've ever had. Rarely I meet girls that I connect with so well. The best thing is that she feels the same way. We've seen four times but this already feels like a relationship, which is pretty weird since we both also agreed to take this slowly since we both recently broke up.
This makes me a bit nervous as well. I could easily fall for this girl and if it somehow didn't work in the end it could hurt a lot. I'm holding my feelings back at the moment.
Why?
I just think it's a bit too soon to go all in. And my recent break-up was pretty pretty fucking rough so I'm not planning to get too much emotionally invested at this point. It could be good as well to let this develop the slow way.
i share his sentiment. my last breakup was miserable. not worth going through that again. not that i'm not going to date, just that i'm going to be way more cautious.
Femmeworth
Banned
Looks like OkCupid is down.
Wow, I think I'm taking a step forward. I can look back at the time with my ex with warmth and enjoy thinking about the way things used to be, but not at the same time feel sad. I think I'm past my saudade stage
That's a Portuguese word to google, btw. It's one of the hardest words to translate to other languages.
I'm really glad that my post helped you have that realization. Whenever I see Dating-GAF making gains in their lives, it makes me so psyched I can't even explain it. The dropping of truthbombs is necessary, but it gets sad after a long period of nothing but. I'm glad we're here to celebrate as well.
As for me, I definitely have enough hobbies and pasttimes to the point where I only have about one night a week that's really solid for dating. Every other night goes pretty late. I'm president of a club, do yoga twice a week, work like four times a week, and study besides. She cancelled hanging out today and told me she'd "Let me know" when she was available this week, so I told her I was really jammed up, but to give me a call sometime. I'm not really hoping for much, mostly because I feel like if the universe or a person themselves is telling you to let go of them, you shouldn't be hanging on, but still, it's not entirely confidence-boosting. Ah well, I was able to pick up a shift at work for tonight, so I'll get to make some money, and not spend time with someone who doesn't value mine.
As for you, hip, just don't move too fast. Yes, it sounds easy on paper, but just make sure what you're doing feels organic and right and not spurred on by your emotions and intuitions. Also, don't let the past interrupt the now. I cried when I was 5 once because I dropped a cookie during a cookie decorating class. I still eat cookies to this day. They're awesome.
I agree with taking it slow. However, 'holding back feelings' is not very organic. There's no reason why we should have to interfere with our emotions. If we decide to hang back so that we don't put ourselves on the line, that's, of course, fine. But if we set ourselves in a position where we should be vulnerable, but then refuse it, it's kind of like going to see a scary movie, but then hurling yourself out of immersion by saying "haha, that monster is just a guy in a costume".
I guess the sentiment is that if your heart isn't ready to be risked again, don't risk it, yet. That's what I'm doing. I can't date anyone at this moment, because I'm still a vulnerable guy. I have to admit, today has probably been the best day in a year, if not more. It feels that way, anyway. I mean, I was generally very happy when I was with my last girlfriend, and we had an amazing relationship. But work just drained me, and with my new job, I feel a surplus of energy that I haven't felt in a very, very long time.
It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself.
Liquid_015
Gold Member
Hey Septimius!
Thanks for the reply! It was a very thorough response! To clarify about the boyfriend... Since meeting her, I have never mentioned anything about the boyfriend but she one time randomly talked about how conflicted she was in going back to see the boyfriend... how she's having too much fun in the States, that the relationship has gotten stale/less exciting, the fact that the BF might not have time to see her when she goes back, and the fact that the purpose of this trip was to make things work between the two of them. And just recently (last weekend), when we at Venice Beach she randomly brings up her spring break conflict of deferring/canceling her airplane ticket and by the sound of her voice she was "reluctant" to even mention the BF i.e. would not even mention the BF - she would refer the BF as "someone". All in all, she doesn't always talk about the boyfriend just on occasions (twice since meeting her). And yet, last night we went on a spontaneous trip to grab food at 12am in the morning where we planned our spring break trip to SF and San Diego, but she asked if I knew anyone who's also in LA during spring break in which I said no because I really didn't. To be honest, I'm lost because like you guys said i'm like a placement holder for her (maybe because she's lonely) and yet she decided against to see her BF...
Or maybe as @RedNalgene said: maybe it's just simply a friendship she's looking for and i'm over thinking/over reading the situation...
Cow Mengde
Banned
Post an ad on neogaf. It would be a very funny experiment.
I remember in one thread, we were trying to fake 2 gaffers hooking up. I forget how it went, but I think a female gaffer offered to take his virginity. I played along and was wondering if she got any creepy PMs in her inbox.
Arkos
Nose how to spell and rede to
Hey guys help pls:
I had been in a monogamous relationship for 3 years, so I'm used to not using a condom. Now, suddenly, I have to use a condom.
Holy cow they suck. They suck bad. I used not to mind them, but they suck.
So what are good condoms? Normal condoms are too skinny, plenty long but skinny enough to inhibit blood flow. Also condom thickness is an issue. I kind like the Trojan condoms that are looser on the end, although I can't really use them. Advice GAF? What are good condoms. I hate them so much
Edit: non latex suggestions are a plus
I had been in a monogamous relationship for 3 years, so I'm used to not using a condom. Now, suddenly, I have to use a condom.
Holy cow they suck. They suck bad. I used not to mind them, but they suck.
So what are good condoms? Normal condoms are too skinny, plenty long but skinny enough to inhibit blood flow. Also condom thickness is an issue. I kind like the Trojan condoms that are looser on the end, although I can't really use them. Advice GAF? What are good condoms. I hate them so much
Edit: non latex suggestions are a plus
Femmeworth
Banned
The largest (girth) non latex condoms is the Trojan Supra, I believe. http://www.condom-sizes.org/condom-size-chart/condom-size-chart#regular
Edit: Actually, the Trojan Natural Lamb is wider but they don't protect against STDs if that is your concern.
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
Girl I went on a date with Friday said:
bigfunkychiken
Member
I agree, but it's important to remember that being in relationships is a big part of maturing as well. You learn where you need to improve as a person, etc., and even if the relationship ends, you can feel like you gained experience from it.
Arkos
Nose how to spell and rede to
Not STDs, only pregnancy (I hope
) My local store has such a limited selection, can you order condoms online? Has anybody ever done that? Thanks for the info toobigfunkychiken
Member
Not STDs, only pregnancy (I hope
People order condoms online all the time.
Yes and no. Some people handle being shown their flaws well, others not so well. All handle it not well to some extent. Most of the ground work needs to be in place when you go into a relationship. Otherwise, your flaws will affect and cause trouble for the relationship. Some people might need to try and fail, and from that learn what they did wrong. I learnt a lot when my girlfriend broke up with me, both about myself and her. However, if you know you have a confidence problem, as an example, going into a relationship is only going to have you be complacent about the problem, and they'll resurface at an inopportuned time.
I really don't like the way she's using you. You say yourself that you're uncertain. If she was willing to put her feelings on the line, or show that she was interested in you, she'd be handling it in a more mature way. If it was clear that you two were progressing towards a romantic relationship, it'd be a bit different. Then, the boyfriend would be an issue you could discuss. I remember back when me and aforementioned girl ended up between the sheets, the first time. We spoke for hours about the situation. I was extremely patient and at a very good point in my life. I discussed it with her, but was very much "you'll figure that stuff out" and trusting her with it. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that she couldn't decide if she'd made the right decision in being with me for half a year after we'd been together for the four happiest months of her life, and she ruined our relationship and I left after having given her all the trust and patience I had. Half a year after that, we ended up back together, and were together for four years. But all those issued doubled back to her insecurity, which lead to her only thinking about herself and hurting me as badly as I've ever been hurt.. well.. several times.
So, as you see, even with what I would assess as better grounds, things still are iffy. She's leaving you dangling, while she's taking her sweet time considering the situation. The time she actually had to go focus on her relationship, she instead chooses to spend with you. Why wouldn't she go and either work on or break off the relationship? Now it'll just drag out, and believe me, once she does dump him, she'll regret it at some point.
Oh, yeah. She likes you. But the fact that you even can consider that she doesn't just shows that a point from my previous post is true; she keeps you in the in-between, where you're not certain, and can't make a move. You're locked at her disposal, because you really like her, and don't want to ruin what it might be. But she's keeping it from going anywhere, since you're conflicted about whether she likes you or not. She's really into you, but I wouldn't be surprised if you got the "what are you doing? I have a boyfriend! You misread the situation" thing if you did try to advance it. That's how you're thwarted. She's fucking over her boyfriend proper while keeping another in check. If I ever met a girl I fell for in such a way that I'd risk cheat on a girlfriend I had at the same time, I'd say it's the MINIMUM moral requirement not to fuck over the new girl, since she should obviously be a lot better to trump what I already have.
I put it forth this way, because it's really hard to evaluate these things from the inside. I've been there, myself, and I reflected hard and long on the situation. I even tactically moved about the situation, purposefully pushing her to not have her leave me in the situation she kept me in, because for a few days, I was in the same place you were. Then a good friend of mine had the foresight to tell me to show her that I wouldn't just sit around and wait for her, in the form of flirting with one of her friends. She couldn't handle it at all, and even imagined seeing us foot-flirting, when that didn't happen. It threw her for such a loop, she sent me a word-document telling me how she felt about me.
But even that solves nothing, because the residing issues are no smaller even if you can handle the situation well. Because it's not down to how you handle it. It's down to how the things that gives this girl the ability to hurt two guys so she can make a choice affect her. I have no qualms about any of the ethics or morals involved. I really just think it's a bad precursor. It seems to me as a harbinger of pain and broken trust.
Femmeworth
Banned
Since I put my profile back up, the only person to contact me is in Mexico. :\ I've sent a few messages out to people near me, but no responses yet.
you guys ever been with a girl that just doesn't seem keen on physical stuff? i know this girl likes me (i told her i hope we work out and she says she does too), and i know she's not a virgin or anything like that. but when i go in for a kiss she's just really timid so i don't want to push it. maybe she had a recent break-up?
D
Deleted member 47027
Unconfirmed Member
You never know what their past holds. They may be trying to maintain, it might be their first steps out of a bad relationship or experience...be patient with people. Some people also aren't programmed that way. Relax and play by their rules if you feel its doable. If not I'd pack my bags and ramble on. Ramblers gotta ramble.
TruckDriver
Neo Member
Well, keep trying, dude.
Also, put up some new photos: http://www.okcupid.com/profile/85Lettuce?cf=profile
Femmeworth
Banned
I say cut the crap and just ask her what she is and isn't comfortable with. Actually, do one better and ask what she actively wants. The sooner you both understand what you can get from each other at this point, the better I would think.
Day 1 POF. (I live in a small town and this is my first experience with online dating)
2 cute but questionably aged 18 year olds. Danger Zone. DANGER ZONE. (I'm 24 and tempted but scared)
Older Asian lady who says I have nice eyes but 10 years older. I'd prefer 20-28 or the old divide by 2 plus 7 rule, so 19 at youngest?. I just realized that rule means I'm of age for her 8 (.
A lady who asked me if I was interested in a "pre-made family".
My issue? I don't know how to say no to people so I end up just ignoring messages. Is that ok? What is the proper etiquette?
2 cute but questionably aged 18 year olds. Danger Zone. DANGER ZONE. (I'm 24 and tempted but scared)
Older Asian lady who says I have nice eyes but 10 years older. I'd prefer 20-28 or the old divide by 2 plus 7 rule, so 19 at youngest?. I just realized that rule means I'm of age for her 8 (.
A lady who asked me if I was interested in a "pre-made family".
My issue? I don't know how to say no to people so I end up just ignoring messages. Is that ok? What is the proper etiquette?
Femmeworth
Banned
Finally went through with sending a message to this one woman and now her account is gone. :|
Liquid_015
Gold Member
Hey Septimius!
Once again thank you for the thorough input! To be honest, we get along very well and every time I am with her both of us ends up having a blast. I enjoy hanging/going out with her than I do with my apartment mates. I mean we just click and the chemistry (if you can call it that) is pretty amazing. We just have fun, and its spontaneous! However, what makes you think she is using me (cause that's my friend told me as well)? And how can you tell that she's interested/likes me? I'm honestly having a hard time seeing if she is into me... I mean if she wasn't into me she wouldn't be hanging out with me alone and not inviting her friends (maybe i'm too blind to see the obvious -_-) At this point, what should I do?
Femmeworth
Banned
In hindsight it does sound kind of aggressive, but it doesn't have to be.
Yeah, plus any time you think you are writing something aggressive it will most likely be perceived that way. People tend to always assume the worst when it comes to text based talking. I've made a few girls mad while texting because I have a sarcastic sense of humor and they always think i'm being serious / mean.
They want to marry you son. You're a white middle class dude which paints dollar bill signs in their eyes. The reason? One word: papers. They're looking to hit up a desperate abroad sap in order to get their "golden ticket" out the country and eventually get their citizenship. You can ignore them or talk to them as pen pals until the messages fizzle out.
grap3fruitman
Banned
Hi guys, how's it goin'?
AdventureRacing
Member
Pretty good. Did you ever get that hedgehog?
Etrian Oddity
Member
That being said (not to discredit you, it's good advise), I've dealt with girls like this before and there comes a point where you just gotta ramble on. Four dates in and the most you're getting is a side hug because she's too shy? NEXT!
Stiflers Mom
Banned
That being said (not to discredit you, it's good advise), I've dealt with girls like this before and there comes a point where you just gotta ramble on. Four dates in and the most you're getting is a side hug because she's too shy? NEXT!
Same as my opinion on that.
Life is really too short to wait for someone to do the least of things (hugs and giving kisses) couples should do.
add/edit: Just wanted to tell, I started online dating (first time in my life), and it's going surprisingly well. Have six different ladies sending me messages (some of them look cute on their profile photos), and will probably have a date with each of them. I am kind of anxious on the "shopped photo" vs "real life" appearance issue, though... Well, tomorrow is my first date with one of them, will keep you updated...
Going excellent! Started P90X3 yesterday!
I can tell that you two fit. I have never been as happy as I was with my previous girlfriend. It's just important not to have that blind us. I knew the inherent risks, but I assessed them to be worth it. I don't regret it, but that's because I take the good with the bad. All that I learnt, all that I experienced, and the way I am now a better person for having gone through the very good and very bad with my ex has me in no ways left wishing I had just gone "nope, I don't like this situation". But I know I won't take any such thing in the future. Oh, and I hope my ability to trust in people isn't damaged. I'm a guy that works through things, though, so I'm sure that if I feel something like that when I'm in a new relationship, I'll be in a relationship with a girl that will help me through it, and not just say she will.
The point is that, yes, I think you two could have a good relationship. I'd say "þetta er ágætis byrjun" from the Sigur Rós song, meaning "this is a good start". It's obvious that she likes you because she ditched her chance to see her boyfriend to hang out with you. The things you do are also not something any girl should do when they have a boyfriend. My ex has a great guy friend, and I never had any qualms about them doing anything together, but if they started having dinner together, regularly and going for drinks? Watching movies together? I'm sure you agree that this is behaviour you're somewhat uncomfortable with, seen as how she has a boyfriend? You're practically dating, but without any of the physical stuff.
However, the problem is when you're there and you're being awesome. You're not pressing the issue, you've shown you're comfortable taking things slow, but that's where thing will get messy. There's no risk for her, which also means she'll take her time to figure out what works best for her. This is not a general comment on how women will treat men like crap given the chance, or anything like that. It's the fact that this a person already treating someone like crap, so lacking that empathy, I'd say she also won't see how it's misusing you to evaluate the situation. It's a rationally sound idea, but the problem is the other part, who that will hurt. Her relationship with this guy isn't working, yet she's not working on it, and she's not breaking up with him. She's keeping him, and now you, in limbo.
That's why you're uncertain. Of course she's thinking some about the fact that she's practically dating a guy when she has a boyfriend, which is why she might justify it as "but it's just hanging out" in her own head. You're picking up on those mixed signals, which messes with your head, so you're not confident saying she likes you. If she did this in a better way, she'd break up with her current boyfriend and tell you it was because of you.
But that hasn't happened, and even if it did at this point, a lot of damage has already happened. It might be that she takes some of the upper hand into the relationship. Having the upper hand without realizing what you're doing, you'll quickly feel the relationship is stale. That might be what's happened between these two. It all just adds up to an iffy situation. I can understand a gray-zone of morality in the overlapping of being blown away by someone new, and I wouldn't necessarily have anything bad to say on someone that finds a new person while being in a relationship. However, obviously enjoying it this much, she should have woken up weeks ago and realized she wants to be with you instead. It's the fact that she's uncertain that also worries me. To reiterate, if she did break up with him now, and you two got together, I can guarantee you that she'd be looking back at what she left behind.
Sometimes we end in situations we didn't plan, and people get hurt as an indirect consequence of life happening, but when you're the center of her life-changing event, the last one it should affect is you.
Wouldn't you have progressed this faster if this was a girl without a boyfriend? Some years ago, I'd give you advice on how to force her hand, how to show her that you're an awesome guy that she has to work on capturing if she wants you, while at the same time talking to her and giving her understanding about how her situation is hard. But again. Harbinger.
If you do wish to regain some control of the situation, which is what you absolutely should do if you do wish to proceed things, then I'm not one to argue that. Just let me know, and I can try to help you see how you can do that. However, proceed with caution. Whatever has her focus on a new guy instead of her current boyfriend is an inherent trait. Yes, it might be a bad boyfriend, but she still shouldn't hurt him like this.
Another date with the blonde I'm seeing. Holy shit she is incredible, this is like my dream girl right here. She is gorgeous, she gets a lot of attention when we are out. I don't think I've ever met anything like her. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. I'm really passionate about music and so is she so we connect really well with that. Tonight we agreed to go see some jazz someday, this is like the most awesome idea ever and she brought it up.
exclusively. you can meet them one time, you know that you are both somewhat interested, and if it sucks you never have to see them again. perfect arrangement.
The Artful Dodger
Member
I'm torn, I meet enough folks and I'm social enough to not go that route, but I find that lately, some ladies kinda feel more comfortable talking to somebody that way first and getting to know them that through that before meeting up with them. So I might have to adapt.
Kung Fu Jedi
Member
Getting ready for my move out of Austin to be with my girl. Today was my last day on the job. Movers coming tomorrow. She's flying in on Friday to drive with me back to our new place over the weekend. Can't wait!
electricshake
Member
Just got dumped. I feel fucking awful.
NeOak
Member
Hang in there! D:
I can't give any useful advice, but I empathize. Time to break out the Ben & Jerry's.
Liquid_015
Gold Member
Hey Septimius!
Once again thanks for the input! I get what you're saying! Hmmm... I definitely would like to continue to pursue her, so at least I know that I tried rather than watching from the sidelines. As such, it would nice to hear some input on how to pursue her. But like you said, I still find it strange that she would decide against seeing her boyfriend and stay in the states. Originally, she was thinking of chilling with her friends for spring break but since they are going to the beach and she isn't much of a beach person she decided to go on a road trip. Speaking of that, the both of us will be headed to Nor Cal for spring break, and we already have most of the accommodations planned! I wonder how this trip will end up being?
Septimius, spot on assessment about me being "uncertain", it's just the fact that she still has a boyfriend kind of bugs me and makes it hard to do anything significant. And yet, we've been snapchatting, chatting, and etc (if that even matters). Argh... I guess I'll see what happens during spring break. :/
Nah. Time to get fit.
Seriously electricshake, after the shock wears off in a couple days, it is the time to be the best possible person you can be. With a vengeance. You need to wrap yourself up in projects, hobbies and habits, and what you start off doing could define your next few months.
Of course I know you don't want to think about that too much right now. Getting dumped is the worst.
Whaaaaaa? Didn't you have a talk with him like yesterday and everything was fine? :O So sorry to hear it, his bloody loss, you better believe it!!
What happened?- Status