I need to vent, because Im having horrible feelings of worthlessness, and death (please dont worry Ive had these before, and Ive never acted suicidal or planned to act suicidal just a general feeling that Id be better off dead), and this wasnt a regular inexplicable depressive episode, but was triggered by someone, and subsequently made worse by people who I consider friends.
For the record, all of this happened in an online community. I struggle to function on many days, and this means I spend a lot of time talking with people on the internet in communities and such. In one such community, which has been together in its current form for the last 12-18 months, I met a lot of people who Id consider friends.
With that little morsel out of the way, you can proceed to laugh at me or whatever over how ridiculous the circumstances are, but I dont care. This meant a lot to me.
Of the few things which triggers my foul mood, homophobia is the worst. Id rather not talk about the two reasons why in too much detail, but during my school life and shortly after that, two instances of hatred against gay people really affected me. It is an issue I feel very strongly about.
Someone in a group I was part of made some homophobic remarks in regards to gay marriage, which set me off. I admittedly got very angry, and I got even more annoyed when they tried to palm their obviously hateful remarks as poorly-worded, but then the other people in the group started to round on me, as if I was the only one who had done something wrong, and let the bigot have a free pass.
Admittedly, I subsequently made some rather unfair demands (mostly involving him or me, because I dont want to talk with this person at all), and after Id calmed down decided it was best to leave the group if the other person wasnt going to. So I left.
Today, someone told me that these people have been subsequently mocking me, despite most of them knowing about my bipolar, and despite a select number of them knowing why I reacted the way I did in regards to homophobic remarks, and it really hurts.
Despite me leaving the group, on an individual level I considered a lot of these people to still be friends, and I had planned to stay in communication with them. Now, for them to do things like that has not only exasperated a full blown depressive episode, but has also kicked off old anxieties that Ive previously struggled with alongside my bipolar (but subsequently learned to better manage), one of which is that I fear people dislike me and when Im not around they are making fun of me for one reason or another.
I feel like shit. This is one of the worst depressive episodes Ive ever had, and I really just needed to get it off my chest, to vent with people who hopefully understand, and talk it over. I understand that the issue is not so binary (I am not 100% right, but I am not 100% wrong, either), and my reaction left a lot to be desired, but I feel as if Ive been treated very unfairly by people who I thought were at least understanding, and Im struggling to accept the way theyve acted and really just need some support.
