Lionheart1827
Member
Have you tried www.ratemds.com? It's kinda like ratemyprofessor.com which I used to use when I was in college years ago.
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Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
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Have you tried www.ratemds.com? It's kinda like ratemyprofessor.com which I used to use when I was in college years ago.
Darkmakaimura
Can You Imagine What SureAI Is Going To Do With Garfield?
My tolerance for people with low tolerance has become a lot more low. I know that sounds a bit hypocritical but then again I'm not being entirely serious. However, it does irk me when I see people who are easily irritated with other people just because someone made a mistake, usually an innocent one at that.
Yes, I am referring to my "friend" I've mentioned often but other people with low tolerance levels as well. I know a few people like this and at least one singer I admire on Facebook that I follow seems to get easily agitated with his fans, even when they are being sincere and kind. I've actually lost a little respect for said singer as a result of some of his comments.
I think tolerance is more about than excepting that guy because he's a different race, or that girl because she's a lesbian or those folks who believe in something different than I do. Yet, so many people preach against racism and preach against homophobia yet can't tolerate people who might feel differently on why the universe came into being or people who might suffer from anxiety and worry about things more than others. Sometimes those who would consider themselves 'liberal' for lack of a better word have no issue in talking down and berating people and making them feel inferior for their mistakes or for innocent beliefs or neuroses.
You can't preach tolerance and then just pick and choose to be tolerant about one thing and then choose to be intolerant against another, non-harmful thing. Of course, prejudice is understandable and there's obvious things where intolerance is understandable (murder, blatant racism, etc.).
Anyways, I'm just talking the top of my head. This was more of an at moment. It pretty digs back into how I feel I'm being unjustly mistreated based on my actions and in general how I've observed so many people over the last few years, especially those who often put themselves out as being accepting of others.
I'm not very good at conveying my ideas but I figured why not type this up. I don't want to stir the pot with any particular thoughts I may have but I felt I just needed to let this out right now while it was on my mind.
Yes, I am referring to my "friend" I've mentioned often but other people with low tolerance levels as well. I know a few people like this and at least one singer I admire on Facebook that I follow seems to get easily agitated with his fans, even when they are being sincere and kind. I've actually lost a little respect for said singer as a result of some of his comments.
I think tolerance is more about than excepting that guy because he's a different race, or that girl because she's a lesbian or those folks who believe in something different than I do. Yet, so many people preach against racism and preach against homophobia yet can't tolerate people who might feel differently on why the universe came into being or people who might suffer from anxiety and worry about things more than others. Sometimes those who would consider themselves 'liberal' for lack of a better word have no issue in talking down and berating people and making them feel inferior for their mistakes or for innocent beliefs or neuroses.
You can't preach tolerance and then just pick and choose to be tolerant about one thing and then choose to be intolerant against another, non-harmful thing. Of course, prejudice is understandable and there's obvious things where intolerance is understandable (murder, blatant racism, etc.).
Anyways, I'm just talking the top of my head. This was more of an at moment. It pretty digs back into how I feel I'm being unjustly mistreated based on my actions and in general how I've observed so many people over the last few years, especially those who often put themselves out as being accepting of others.
I'm not very good at conveying my ideas but I figured why not type this up. I don't want to stir the pot with any particular thoughts I may have but I felt I just needed to let this out right now while it was on my mind.
Sometimes it feels like it's open season on people with mental illness. I've been made to feel bad because I'm withdrawn, or nervous. I have to try to hide who I am most of the time, but "normals" looove smalltalk and to dig up dirt on you These same people feel like they're righteous in their actions.
For me, it is understanding that as long as I draw breath, I have potential. Now, a major key that helps ease any anxiety is finding a platform to use that potential. I hope to have found mine in a nearby hospice, who I'll be visiting on Monday and planning for a full orientation date. If that works out for me, I'm totally bailing on college. Academia is challenging me in all of the wrong ways but never the right ways. I feel it is no longer worth it, for it fails to marry what it supposedly offers in life to what I think of life. That's probably why I have rejected most of what society proposes, too.
I cannot speak for you, but I try to find quotes to remind me of this when I get caught up or distracted. This one has been one of my favorites.
"Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile." - Albert Einstein
If you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me. I promise you I don't bite.
I'm scared to even volunteer or live for others right now since I'm just scared of people/being used/rejected. I don't have any major talents or potential or anything. I'm honestly good for nothing.
Why be scared of people? Do you assume everyone is out to take advantage of you like vultures? Sure, that's the American mentality, but I can assure you not everyone adheres to it. As for talent and potential, saying you lack any at all is a surefire miscalculation. Our culture is rigged to very dangerous levels that impose the idea that unless you have a degree or certifications, you are lacking as a person to do anything. This is the purest form of shit ever graced on the planet, and it's not even real defecation. You are fine as you are. The only issue, perhaps, is you fail to see the beauty in yourself. That is always the hardest thing a person can do for themselves; with the pragmatic way we think, we are frequently our own saboteur. But when we finally get out of our own way, it's as if Pandora's Box opens. When one understands failing is only an idea, not an objective reality, they become more willing to stumble and find their footing. And my friend, even if you may not see it yet, you are not a failure, no way no how.
Dice//
Banned
I'm really happy this topic exists.
I've been getting a slight case of the blues myself and it always helps to know others are in a bit of a spell (for lack of better words) too. It helps me cope, especially since other members here are just as keen to offer a chin-up or word of advice.
I doubt I have anything worth revealing, but still, I think it'll be better for me to talk about things here than at home (my mum doesn't see me as any sort of priority, and my dad's the type who thinks you can easily just 'snap out of it').
I've been getting a slight case of the blues myself and it always helps to know others are in a bit of a spell (for lack of better words) too. It helps me cope, especially since other members here are just as keen to offer a chin-up or word of advice.
I doubt I have anything worth revealing, but still, I think it'll be better for me to talk about things here than at home (my mum doesn't see me as any sort of priority, and my dad's the type who thinks you can easily just 'snap out of it').
I would say a psychologist/therapist (I think they're the same?). Psychiatrists are for meds.
Hi!
(Where is your avatar from? I love the art style and am now hoping there is a game like that)
Lionheart1827
Member
Looks like Milly from Baten Kaitos Origins,a very awesome RPG for GameCube. Highly suggest checking out both games, very unique. The same developers made Xenoblade.
Oh, right on! I own the Baten Kaitos games, just haven't gotten to them yet.
Awesome
Dice//
Banned
If you're an RPG fan on any level, I think you'll love 'em. The first title has a fantastic (if quaint) story, and the second game offers awesome characters and a kickass battle system.
I like Milly (my avatar), she's lovely looking and it's hard to find a game character who ISN'T terribly one-tracked. Milly goes the full rainbow of emotions ---- y'know, like real people.
Oh and Hi back!
My name is Dice, I like sandwiches, walks on the beach, and videogames believe it or not.
GAF I don't really know where to post this. I'm not depressed but I'm certainly down on myself right now.
I went through a breakup recently, it wasn't a long relationship but it has me feeling pretty bad. I know I'm a good looking guy but my string of bad luck with women has me feeling like I'm not attractive enough. She would tell me that I was too nice and that she needed someone to stand up to her. She was a very attractive woman and the most successful person I've ever been with and I'm worried I won't find that again. I can't help but feel that I was lacking in some significant way. I'm just not feeling confident in myself right now. I'm in my mid-twenties, working full time on my career and in grad school so I'm doing well for myself. And I know I don't need to worry about it since I'm so young but seeing all my friends getting married is just frustrating. Just need to vent I guess.
I went through a breakup recently, it wasn't a long relationship but it has me feeling pretty bad. I know I'm a good looking guy but my string of bad luck with women has me feeling like I'm not attractive enough. She would tell me that I was too nice and that she needed someone to stand up to her. She was a very attractive woman and the most successful person I've ever been with and I'm worried I won't find that again. I can't help but feel that I was lacking in some significant way. I'm just not feeling confident in myself right now. I'm in my mid-twenties, working full time on my career and in grad school so I'm doing well for myself. And I know I don't need to worry about it since I'm so young but seeing all my friends getting married is just frustrating. Just need to vent I guess.
Good looks might get you a date or two but after that it's all on you and your personality. I'm not one to give people advice on dating but I guess just be your own self and keep trying. You don't want to put on a show for anyone. Keep trying. Also if being yourself means you are a complete pushover then maybe consider not being yourself as the new yourself ;-)
SuperEpicMan
Banned
Hi gaf,
I have been taking citalopram 20mg tablets for around a year now and my doctors thinking I should try and come off them. Does anybody have any experience of coming off these. I really want to be able to live without them, but I am worried about how I will be off them.
I have been taking citalopram 20mg tablets for around a year now and my doctors thinking I should try and come off them. Does anybody have any experience of coming off these. I really want to be able to live without them, but I am worried about how I will be off them.
Still have the anxiety from last night even after 1 and a half Cipralex pills and 11 hours of sleep. *sigh* Now just add lightheaded-ness and disorientation to the mix and you have me. Absolutely miserable. And it's raining, so my plan of going downtown for a bit to walk around is squashed. Really hate this.
I have trouble believing it, even if i tell myself it. The person who came across as the nicest, most trustworthy person I'd ever met was the one who destroyed my shaky faith in people, and now I don't know how to build it back.
I genuinely have no hobbies or talents that I'm aware of. Gaming used to be a hobby and is now more like a chore. Disruptive thoughts can force themselves in at any time they want and no matter what I do, I'm powerless to stop them; distractions don't work at all.
I have trouble believing it, even if i tell myself it. The person who came across as the nicest, most trustworthy person I'd ever met was the one who destroyed my shaky faith in people, and now I don't know how to build it back.
I genuinely have no hobbies or talents that I'm aware of. Gaming used to be a hobby and is now more like a chore. Disruptive thoughts can force themselves in at any time they want and no matter what I do, I'm powerless to stop them; distractions don't work at all.
just tell them
what did you do ? i almost got kicked out a few months back for starting a fight in the cafeteria.
Best of luck at the hospice, Foffy. I hope you get what you're searching for, and feel more fulfilled. Like Windam, there are various factors that make me pretty afraid myself of pursuing things, and just knowing what strengths I actually have to make use of, and what area would be best for me. My own time in higher education also felt similarly disappointing. Not only because I grew to dislike the subject at hand, but also how the information was put across. Long-winded lecture - sent away to work on your own, rinse and repeat. There was not enough in the way of actually doing what you were taught, putting it into practice. If I wanted to do regular theory work, I could do it at home. Because of how common place degrees are now, I may have to go back eventually, but only if I feel certain about the subject. Don't want to make that mistake twice.
Psychologist is your more general type of therapist. I've discovered over time that there are a variety of different therapists, that can cater to more specific problems. The two types of therapy I currently get is occupational therapy, and behavioural therapy, but there is many other types as well. Some of them are a bit "out there" but it's cool that there is a variety of different options, especially if you recognize what your main problems are.
Rejection therapy sound like it's right up my alley. the main reason why i have never had another is because I am afraid of being rejected . For a while I thought that I was an Ace but I Later realized that it was just fear. That and I wouldn't know what to say on date. I have heard "be yourself" but I don't know if that is the best idea when you hate yourself . Plus the idea of sex is kinda scary to me because by my age I should know what I am doing .
Prax
Member
I know my relatives were concerned and tried to encourage me to go back to school, "try harder" or giving suggestions for different fields I don't care about, so I just had to say "nah. I don't really want to do that. Maybe some otehr time" and leave it at there. If you actually do get kicked out or withdraw from the program, give yourself some time to think about it and what you really want and what your limitations are. Maybe academics or that certain program just wasn't a good fit for you. Or maybe you need time to sort something out before you can continue later.
I think for the easiest path that will answer a question, just tell them "it didn't work out for me" and try to leave it at that.
It is going to feel bad and embarassing, but after a while and finding other things to do, you will probably just feel it's another page in life without the sting. I had to withdraw from my program, and roughly 3 years later, besides the student loan lol, it almost doesn't matter to me anymore~ xD
So there is life after failure!
I think it's okay that it's a comforting thought.. that you try to give yourself a deadline mentally if that motivates you, but try to think of it a different way. If you don't meet your deadline, then just switch gears and try something else different and exciting (you'll probably have new interests developed by then anyway!). It will be like renewing yourself all phoenix-like!
So you can "give up" or "fall short" at some things without having to give up on everything. I think you feel this way because a huge part of you is romantic and idealistic, a lot of all-or-nothing. We just need to find a way to use the energy you have to fuel the negative thoughts and direct it into other places that will do you good or make you proud instead.
I know what you're trying to get at, and I agree. I get easily annoyed when other people are so easily annoyed, judgmental or condescending to others who just make innocent mistakes or are not doing anything to directly bother anyone.
I think these types of people who look down on others or are so snippy/entitled to voice their judgments probably have some esteem issues themselves. They want to feel important or like the hero (who doesn't? lol), but they do it in a unhealthy and foolish way: by villifying others. If someone's a villain, they get to be the hero, right? Or so I believe the thinking goes. So of course they will believe themselves righteous and may pick the obvious big-issue topics, but their judgemental behavior will also spill over into innocuous things as well.
Kekeke.. yeah but Einstein's a total pisces. He WOULD believe that, wouldn't he?
(All of you who hate astrology can ignore that lol)It's great you found a place to put all your empathy and service motivations into! So it's not all for naught and your efforts are not wasted. You just need to learn to have more patience with yourself in relation to the world. I am sure at the hospice, you will learn a lot of that so good luck, and I hope you will report back your experiences! End of life and palliative care is really fascinating to me. I unfortunately do not like getting too familiar with people and their life stories too personally, so I wouldn't be able to do that type of work, but I'm glad there are compassionate people like you who can take up that calling.
It sounds like your parents don't really give you the support you need or want. Or at least give you that impression. That's unfortunate, but it's good you've found other ways to cope. It's always great seeing that people appreciate this thread and find it helpful!
I sometimes feel like I should dedicate more time responding to people here, but I'm glad there are so many others that can regularly do it.
I think it's best to learn to accept that sometimes two people are just incompatible and it has nothing to do with what you "lack" on a deep personal level. You don't need to put her on a pedestal to compare others to. In fact, it may be better not to rank people like that, because that inevitably makes you "rank" yourself and make you feel like you're somehow "losing". It's not really a healthy mindset if it discourages you instead of encourages you.
Unless you feel you had to compromise your personal integrity to be with her in some way, chances are you aren't "too nice" or unattractive for the opposite sex and it was just that you weren't compatible.
Like you say, you have a good foundation with your looks and career and academics, so you just need to be patient about it and don't let your internal ranking system discourage you.
I don't have too much experience, but I believe I was on a 10mg dose for about a year and slowly weaned off (myself because I am really bad at taking meds and then filling perscriptions when they run out lol), but for me, the difference was kind of negligible. I can't tell if they really helped stabilize my mood, if it was even a therpeutic dose, or maybe it did help and I felt better and decided I didn't need them anymore.
Either way, I think I am almost--or am??--back to pre-depression levels of positive mood, so it's definitely possible to get off of them and not experience many withdrawal symptoms. But my dose was pretty low to begin with. Just ask yoru doctors what you can expect. I imagien they'll probably have you take half doses for a month and then even less and you'll just ease off and continue on with life.
I think when they say "be yourself" they mean "be the best part of yourself". That's the part you want to be able to share and celebrate with another person, anyway. It's the things you enjoy, the things you liek putting effort into, the parts you are working toward. And if that person is compatible with you and feels it's worth their while, then whatever flaws you may feel you have can be digested and worked with a little at a time.
I actually don't know what to think about everyone's huge focus on sex and sexual experience, but maybe that's just me. lol
That whole "women on average want 5 dates before putting out" and all the guys lol'ing at how little that was and I was just reading thinking that was way too short a time to really know if you're compatible on that level. XD So my understanding of the whole fast-paced culture of the world is dating is off, so maybe take my advice with a grain of salt.
But on the other hand, I was with my boyfriend-now-husband for almost 11 years and that must count for something. I think it means we're compatible, despite that we are both flawed and probably "lacking" in a lot of things, but it goes to show you don't have to be everything to be happy.
There has been plenty of research done on the mind-body relationship (and vice versa). I find that when my pain level is very high, my mood immediately tanks. And why shouldn't it? And likewise, if I'm already in a bad mood, my coping devices are pretty much nil and the stress immediately raises the pain level. It becomes this horrible cycle which feeds on itself.
The problem I'm having now is that over time, I've gotten sicker. This means that whereas occasionally in the past, I'd have good or okay days which would allow me to recover a bit and perhaps socialize, now I'm just in one unending flare. And what makes this interesting is that there's different levels even in this flare. There's bad days, horrible days, excruciating days and unbearable days. In short, I don't have good days anymore. Or even okay days. And it has taken a big toll on both my mental health and my relationships. My closest friend in the city hasn't seen me in weeks. I simply can't leave the apartment. We largely communicate on Steam now. Most other people haven't seen me in months (or in some cases, two years). I can no longer tolerate crowds anymore (including mumble). My brain is completely fried with fibro fog and it's too hard to focus on a bunch of conversations. And even if I could, the pain is just too severe for me to bother. And yes, I'm on the max dose allowed of the horribly addictive pain meds I've been given.
My quality of life is so low at this point that continuing to wait for the medical community to pull something out of its ass (and lord knows how long that'll take) is an exercise in futility. I have very little faith in doctors. no matter how well-meaning they may be. By all rights, I should have been dead after I finished writing "Shattered Mind" last July, just as I planned. And I'm not convinced that things turned out for the better with me alive. I wrote a bunch of music that very few people listened to. I pissed a whole bunch of people off, hurt them. And I suffered. A lot. Now I'm back where I started, with a piece again halfway finished and the exact same choice to make.
People would be better off with me gone, that much I know for sure. It sounds like such a depression cliche but when you've become as toxic and unrecognizable as I have, even the cliches take on a bit of truth. I HATE who I've become. I hate this needy, clingy, angry asshole who wakes up and just goes back to sleep because he knows that getting out of bed is pointless. I hate what I do. I hate what I say. I want to take my brain out and fucking stomp on it and then let someone else stomp on what's left of my body. I only wish I could do it myself, out of revenge. Let a bunch of spectators watch and cheer. The worse my body gets, the worse my mind gets. And then the worse I get. And then everyone suffers. And no one has anything left to say because there *is* nothing left to say.
And just perhaps there's nothing left for me to say either.
The problem I'm having now is that over time, I've gotten sicker. This means that whereas occasionally in the past, I'd have good or okay days which would allow me to recover a bit and perhaps socialize, now I'm just in one unending flare. And what makes this interesting is that there's different levels even in this flare. There's bad days, horrible days, excruciating days and unbearable days. In short, I don't have good days anymore. Or even okay days. And it has taken a big toll on both my mental health and my relationships. My closest friend in the city hasn't seen me in weeks. I simply can't leave the apartment. We largely communicate on Steam now. Most other people haven't seen me in months (or in some cases, two years). I can no longer tolerate crowds anymore (including mumble). My brain is completely fried with fibro fog and it's too hard to focus on a bunch of conversations. And even if I could, the pain is just too severe for me to bother. And yes, I'm on the max dose allowed of the horribly addictive pain meds I've been given.
My quality of life is so low at this point that continuing to wait for the medical community to pull something out of its ass (and lord knows how long that'll take) is an exercise in futility. I have very little faith in doctors. no matter how well-meaning they may be. By all rights, I should have been dead after I finished writing "Shattered Mind" last July, just as I planned. And I'm not convinced that things turned out for the better with me alive. I wrote a bunch of music that very few people listened to. I pissed a whole bunch of people off, hurt them. And I suffered. A lot. Now I'm back where I started, with a piece again halfway finished and the exact same choice to make.
People would be better off with me gone, that much I know for sure. It sounds like such a depression cliche but when you've become as toxic and unrecognizable as I have, even the cliches take on a bit of truth. I HATE who I've become. I hate this needy, clingy, angry asshole who wakes up and just goes back to sleep because he knows that getting out of bed is pointless. I hate what I do. I hate what I say. I want to take my brain out and fucking stomp on it and then let someone else stomp on what's left of my body. I only wish I could do it myself, out of revenge. Let a bunch of spectators watch and cheer. The worse my body gets, the worse my mind gets. And then the worse I get. And then everyone suffers. And no one has anything left to say because there *is* nothing left to say.
And just perhaps there's nothing left for me to say either.
Booker Dewitt
Member
Well, this is attempt five at trying to write up a post for this thread( all starting with a similar opener). All the other tries have been deleted as I glanced at other posts mid-write up and got dismayed at the self-percieved worth of my problems not being anywhere near deserving of attention as others in this thread.
But fuck it. I just walked out of my house to smoke a cigarette, a practice that my family has warned me would lead me to being homeless due to my parents believing that if I had enough money to slowly kill myself, I didn't require free room and board. Granted I did have an excuse, letting a confused frog back outside, but I've never been this bold with smoking before.
I really don't know where and if I should start, because I really feel like shit for even typing this right now. I failed out of college in 2010, and have struggled to get a gen. ed. degree at a community college since then, haven't attended a class since last spring/summer, and been doing as little as I can to pay back the fifty thousand or so dollars I owe for one year of college.I work at a job that I literally can't stand, to the point of anxiety attacks at the thought of having to talk to a customer. A job where every day I'm reminded of my complete failure at relationships, often having to work along side the closest I ever had to a girlfriend for hours at a time. A girl who is constantly shit on by her boyfriend, a guy who a couples months prior I considered my best friend. A guy, who while I was still reeling from the fact that she was cheating on me with another coworker, was jokingly( but not jokingly) asking me if it was alright if he slept with her.
My other friends, I'm afraid of talking to about this. One, because they're obviously going through their own problems, two, I'm a person who hasn't kept a group of friends for more than four years at a time (either moving or those friends fucking me over),. So to have me be a sad, self-loathing fuck, I'm afraid that they're just gonna get tired of me and just cut of communication. I already had one of my closer friends, who tried to help me during the initial revelation that my girlfriend cheated on me. Say that every time I said some self-loathing shit that he was gonna yell at me. I understand what he means by it, to appreciate myself...but as a upper-middle class white kid who's pretty much been handed almost everything on a platter, I can't feel anything but that each and every single one of my problems are my fault.
So yeah, the past couple weeks have been me just realizing just how miserable I am, and hating myself for being that miserable. I'm almost twenty four years old, with little past a high school education, working a minimum wage job. I was expected to be the first of my generation on my mom's side to go through college without any problems...fucked that up and to rub salt in the wounds, my younger cousin is a Olympic athlete. Songs I used to be able to sing along to, and feel glad that someone else went through similar problems have consistently had me break down crying. I haven't been able to play a video game for more then thirty minutes at a time because while I recognized it was fun, I wasn't able to appreciate how fun it was.
The big point of contention why I haven't tried to off myself in my head, besides the obvious lack of conviction(pussy) angle, is that I do not want to put the financial burden of funeral costs on my parents, who are living pay check to pay check, also dealing with a daughter soon to graduate from high school and another son entering high school. Also the grief of losing a son is not something I didn't consider, even if I have not lived up to my expectations.
And I feel like I wasted the time of anyone who read this, sorry.
But fuck it. I just walked out of my house to smoke a cigarette, a practice that my family has warned me would lead me to being homeless due to my parents believing that if I had enough money to slowly kill myself, I didn't require free room and board. Granted I did have an excuse, letting a confused frog back outside, but I've never been this bold with smoking before.
I really don't know where and if I should start, because I really feel like shit for even typing this right now. I failed out of college in 2010, and have struggled to get a gen. ed. degree at a community college since then, haven't attended a class since last spring/summer, and been doing as little as I can to pay back the fifty thousand or so dollars I owe for one year of college.I work at a job that I literally can't stand, to the point of anxiety attacks at the thought of having to talk to a customer. A job where every day I'm reminded of my complete failure at relationships, often having to work along side the closest I ever had to a girlfriend for hours at a time. A girl who is constantly shit on by her boyfriend, a guy who a couples months prior I considered my best friend. A guy, who while I was still reeling from the fact that she was cheating on me with another coworker, was jokingly( but not jokingly) asking me if it was alright if he slept with her.
My other friends, I'm afraid of talking to about this. One, because they're obviously going through their own problems, two, I'm a person who hasn't kept a group of friends for more than four years at a time (either moving or those friends fucking me over),. So to have me be a sad, self-loathing fuck, I'm afraid that they're just gonna get tired of me and just cut of communication. I already had one of my closer friends, who tried to help me during the initial revelation that my girlfriend cheated on me. Say that every time I said some self-loathing shit that he was gonna yell at me. I understand what he means by it, to appreciate myself...but as a upper-middle class white kid who's pretty much been handed almost everything on a platter, I can't feel anything but that each and every single one of my problems are my fault.
So yeah, the past couple weeks have been me just realizing just how miserable I am, and hating myself for being that miserable. I'm almost twenty four years old, with little past a high school education, working a minimum wage job. I was expected to be the first of my generation on my mom's side to go through college without any problems...fucked that up and to rub salt in the wounds, my younger cousin is a Olympic athlete. Songs I used to be able to sing along to, and feel glad that someone else went through similar problems have consistently had me break down crying. I haven't been able to play a video game for more then thirty minutes at a time because while I recognized it was fun, I wasn't able to appreciate how fun it was.
The big point of contention why I haven't tried to off myself in my head, besides the obvious lack of conviction(pussy) angle, is that I do not want to put the financial burden of funeral costs on my parents, who are living pay check to pay check, also dealing with a daughter soon to graduate from high school and another son entering high school. Also the grief of losing a son is not something I didn't consider, even if I have not lived up to my expectations.
And I feel like I wasted the time of anyone who read this, sorry.
I have a similar experience to yours, too. I has someone in my life who I connected very heavily with, and he went out of his way to become very hurtful and hateful to me. I used to think I was a parasite on this earth; absolutely worthless, never good enough, all of that jazz. Then, I had a realization: all of my troubles were on him, not I. I took a long look at me and how I treat others, and I know I am none of the things I thought I was. In fact, it was how I was treated that made me want to be a person who isn't that, and that has extended to culture. We live in a way where a few are empowered and many are disempowered. I think this is a very poor way to live. It is better to empower as many as we can, for we all win.
I hope I get what I am looking for, because really, I do not desire much in life. Due to what I think of the world and life, all I want is a live lived fully now. I want out of our social game that today is impoverished and tomorrow is where the joy is. Time is always, and only acted upon in the present, so it is absolutely key to get with that. Our culture does an awful job at doing this.
Kekeke.. yeah but Einstein's a total pisces. He WOULD believe that, wouldn't he?
It's great you found a place to put all your empathy and service motivations into! So it's not all for naught and your efforts are not wasted. You just need to learn to have more patience with yourself in relation to the world. I am sure at the hospice, you will learn a lot of that so good luck, and I hope you will report back your experiences! End of life and palliative care is really fascinating to me. I unfortunately do not like getting too familiar with people and their life stories too personally, so I wouldn't be able to do that type of work, but I'm glad there are compassionate people like you who can take up that calling.
If I can ask, why do you feel I have to have more patience with the world? I am simply at odds with the world. Not in a hateful way, but in a way that what I desire, what I found more natural and simple to do, is always wagged against at. I value time over money, and this is a big red flag in our culture. I look at what I can give in a culture training people about what they get. I look at all human life as equal in a culture where we're always putting someone down as a less than. All of this jazz is not for me, my friend.
Much of what I think is heavily influenced by philosophy and sciences of the last century, and I absolutely agree with ideas from Alan Watts. I just want to live fully now. Is that particularly wrong? It's why I want out of the rat race. I also am attempting to live very closely to something he said, that I dig very well.
“The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.”
I don't want to live in a way that I have to get more, that I need more. I want to live fully realized that where I am, who I am, and what I am is perfectly fine enough. My only concern is this is literally beaten out of people in our culture, so I figure there will be hostility passed my way.
Dracandros
Banned
After seeing somebody close to me just suffer with fibromyalgia with years and years, I wouldn't wish that horrible problem on anyone. It was something that helped drive me to getting shingles a few months back (among other things), and while I know I have something that makes me feel awful from time to time, fibromyalgia is in a different league.
There are things that might help - pain injection shots, new creams that are being tested right now - but the best advice I could give to you jb1234 is to try to go to a therapist that specializes in pain management, especially with coping with pain. A lot of that pain is a signal that isn't significant to you and you may be able to start to mentally overcome it and feel some power over it again as time goes on.
I truly wish you the best, and typing this was difficult for me.
@Collete - I can promise you, that from an artistic standpoint, whether that art be in the form of expression, music, writing, etc., that you are far more artistic than I am. There is no reason to feel bad about the awesome works you post here.
Achieving something your heart wants is also a great thing, but do not feel like you absolutely have to accomplish something right away or in the next few years. There are always better days ahead, and that's just the way life works (thankfully XD).
There are things that might help - pain injection shots, new creams that are being tested right now - but the best advice I could give to you jb1234 is to try to go to a therapist that specializes in pain management, especially with coping with pain. A lot of that pain is a signal that isn't significant to you and you may be able to start to mentally overcome it and feel some power over it again as time goes on.
I truly wish you the best, and typing this was difficult for me.
@Collete - I can promise you, that from an artistic standpoint, whether that art be in the form of expression, music, writing, etc., that you are far more artistic than I am. There is no reason to feel bad about the awesome works you post here.
Achieving something your heart wants is also a great thing, but do not feel like you absolutely have to accomplish something right away or in the next few years. There are always better days ahead, and that's just the way life works (thankfully XD).
MisterLuffy
Member
I feel like that I don't have a productive brain is the reason why I fail in life. Today, I had 4 hours of break and all I did was waste my energy on the internet. I get bored on the internet, yet I still browse. Because I'm too lazy doing homework or read an article for ETHS class. I hate the fact that I have homework, but too lazy to do it. And I go on the internet just to be more bored. I do this at home, and it's a waste of time. I always get the feeling of not wanting to do anything. I'm completely worn out from doing nothing but waste my time on the internet.
I have to meet my counselor this Friday, and I haven't thought of anything that I like about myself. I HATE myself.
I have to meet my counselor this Friday, and I haven't thought of anything that I like about myself. I HATE myself.
That is fantastic advice and makes me feel a lot better. That was one of the things she admitted, that she just didn't think it would last long term. I'll be fine, just need to work on moving forward.
Half my team at work is leaving/quitting. I just started a full time permanent position with benefits at the beginning of December. I'm not going to say where I work, but if you knew it would shock you. I know that's mean to even bring up in a sense, but I have to protect myself by not saying. Just know it's the type of place where you'd imagine that things NEED to run smoothly.
Anyway, people are leaving en masse because there is FAR too much work for too few people and half the people on my team are either per diem or contract. I learned this after I started working there obviously
My boss is easy to work with for me, because I happen to be nice and after years of making mistakes, I know the game inside and out. But despite that he's vindictive. And these lower tier guys don't know the game, so it's easy to mess up. One wrong move and you're on his shit list. So anyway, after realizing that they're not going to climb the ladder, they decided to take their experience and go elsewhere. REALLY GOOD EMPLOYEES. Guys you'd trust your life with tbh.
THREE of them left within a 2 week period. One just has to pass a background check and he's giving a week's notice. A 3rd tier guy is interviewing. And another lower tier guy is blatantly (not in front of boss but to everyone else) looking for other jobs at work. That's HALF my team. The thing is, in my field, and my area, it's very hard to find permanent full time positions, and jobs that pay even somewhat decently.
I've only been here ~5 months and even with a FULL crew, we were overworked like hell. And it takes not only SIX ENTIRE months to learn the position well, but THREE full months to hire because of the job description, type of business, and HR.
I have been killing myself to get in good graces and be a top employee, all for naught it seems. And this whole week I've been busting my butt to keep the pressure off my department
... and then I got this lovely gem. Today this one guy tries to steal from us. I am protected because I brought it up to one of my superiors in front of the rest of the team, in a VERY non-damaging way, so it won't come back to bite me, but I'll tell ya... it's CRAP knowing one of your remaining team is a thief.
That being said, I am not depressed. I used to be very depressed. But I'm not like that anymore. Okay maybe depressed but not extreme like I was. It just sucks like hell. I've been the contracter guy for a Iong time, and I would have loved for this to be the next job that I had longevity with. But I can't hold out much longer because it's going to be terrible for at least 6 months, no joke.
I am unhappy with life and I dread going into work. I don't want to leave because I want longevity instead of tons of 6 month contracts, but I don't think I can hold out much longer and keep my sanity.
Thanks for anyone who reads and letting me vent.
Anyway, people are leaving en masse because there is FAR too much work for too few people and half the people on my team are either per diem or contract. I learned this after I started working there obviously
My boss is easy to work with for me, because I happen to be nice and after years of making mistakes, I know the game inside and out. But despite that he's vindictive. And these lower tier guys don't know the game, so it's easy to mess up. One wrong move and you're on his shit list. So anyway, after realizing that they're not going to climb the ladder, they decided to take their experience and go elsewhere. REALLY GOOD EMPLOYEES. Guys you'd trust your life with tbh.
THREE of them left within a 2 week period. One just has to pass a background check and he's giving a week's notice. A 3rd tier guy is interviewing. And another lower tier guy is blatantly (not in front of boss but to everyone else) looking for other jobs at work. That's HALF my team. The thing is, in my field, and my area, it's very hard to find permanent full time positions, and jobs that pay even somewhat decently.
I've only been here ~5 months and even with a FULL crew, we were overworked like hell. And it takes not only SIX ENTIRE months to learn the position well, but THREE full months to hire because of the job description, type of business, and HR.
I have been killing myself to get in good graces and be a top employee, all for naught it seems. And this whole week I've been busting my butt to keep the pressure off my department
... and then I got this lovely gem. Today this one guy tries to steal from us. I am protected because I brought it up to one of my superiors in front of the rest of the team, in a VERY non-damaging way, so it won't come back to bite me, but I'll tell ya... it's CRAP knowing one of your remaining team is a thief.
That being said, I am not depressed. I used to be very depressed. But I'm not like that anymore. Okay maybe depressed but not extreme like I was. It just sucks like hell. I've been the contracter guy for a Iong time, and I would have loved for this to be the next job that I had longevity with. But I can't hold out much longer because it's going to be terrible for at least 6 months, no joke.
I am unhappy with life and I dread going into work. I don't want to leave because I want longevity instead of tons of 6 month contracts, but I don't think I can hold out much longer and keep my sanity.
Thanks for anyone who reads and letting me vent.
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
Well, I feel like a failure today. After talking with my adviser I realized I don't have what it takes to be an elementary school teacher, so I'm switching programs.
Why don't you like your self Windam?
Eh, I hate narcissists. They're just so full of it and it pisses me off, yet everything goes their way, socially wise, such as getting invited to everything, everyone thinking their the best, etc.
When I do something wrong, they get so annoyed, yet when they do the exact same things days later, they think it's nothing.
Continuing on from my best mate mate who I think has NPD, I'm under the suspicion he's cheating on his girlfriend. He's with a chick but he's talking to this other girl that he's marked as another name on his phone, and always asking her for snap-chats in the shower and in her lingerie. He's had a thing with her in the passed, and while he and his girlfriend had a break for a few days, he slept with this chick with the codename, and he knows his girlfriend hates her.
I've learnt to not get involved, because it'll no doubt, come back to bite you, and to be honest, I hope it comes down on him like a ton of bricks. Hopefully it'll teach him to stop acting like an asshole to everyone.
When I do something wrong, they get so annoyed, yet when they do the exact same things days later, they think it's nothing.
Continuing on from my best mate mate who I think has NPD, I'm under the suspicion he's cheating on his girlfriend. He's with a chick but he's talking to this other girl that he's marked as another name on his phone, and always asking her for snap-chats in the shower and in her lingerie. He's had a thing with her in the passed, and while he and his girlfriend had a break for a few days, he slept with this chick with the codename, and he knows his girlfriend hates her.
I've learnt to not get involved, because it'll no doubt, come back to bite you, and to be honest, I hope it comes down on him like a ton of bricks. Hopefully it'll teach him to stop acting like an asshole to everyone.
jufonuk
not tag worthy
sometimes I wish I could be more confident, confident people piss me off only because I secretly envy them , damn wish I could be more sure of myself sometimes, but then I fear I might turn into a raging egomaniac.
??
this is how I feel in general but in regards to most peoples behavior or the way they do things etc. I feel the same way. me to do it is the bad thing, them doing wth?? but if I bring it up or show them it , I am the bad guy??Pandemic said:
??
I'm finally unbanned :x
Oh right. Woops. Completely forgot about that being a thing.
jufonuk
not tag worthy
WB, I managed to get unjuniored
but I dont wanna abuse my new power.I don't know if I have anything interesting to Say, apart from creating UFO threads, now Meus is a Junior.
Fucking oath mate! You bring the problem up with them, they make it out like you're making a big deal of it. Yet when you do it, they bring it up and unleash hell on you. It's a situation where you lose either way.
Collete
Member
It was enjoyable!
Fatcat doesn't go on GAF though, so he can't see this lol.
Also...I have another Dota 2 painting but...gad damn I keep forgetting to post it here on Wednesdays...=_=
Storm Spirit
Our leaders favorite hero is Storm Spirit, so this is my rendition of him.
So much blood, sweat, and tears went into this
jufonuk
not tag worthy
then you start to doubt yourself thinking
"oh, was i too aggressive?"
"why do I always have to face my faults where others can't?"
"is this really THAT much of an issue, should I let it slide? "
then what cements the cycle
"what is wrong with me?"
I usually keep quiet for fear of putting my foot in it or upsetting them, maybe I am just extremely brutal in what I say or some how say it in a way that doesn't match the way I intend
in my head I am thinking I am saying "please don't do that, it is rather irksome" but the reality is "Fuck you fuck fuck, killl,stab blood," but my mind is censoring this fact?
so I only perceive it in that relaxed way.
Yep! Spot on, it's their way of manipulating you. Not to be harsh but people with NPD are toxic until they get help.
jufonuk
not tag worthy
then based on my experience most people are NPD then lol,
or I am confusing NPD with general inability to say what I think (when upset) for fear of destroying someone, as i can be blunt and subtle as a brick at times
jufonuk
not tag worthy
in all seriousness I am going to have a rough patch coming for me, my fiancee is going for her hen do in Sardinia, with her female friends for four and a bit days.
in my head I am preparing, I will have limited contact with her and she'll be on the beach and no doubt clubbing with friends as so she should allowed to be, being in a calm state of mind I am nonplussed by this, but I know as soon as she is gone I am going to invent scenarios and issues and get myself upset and worked up and then become annoying clinging and wanting to talk more and convincing myself she is going to meet Mr wonderful on holiday, and that's it our wedding is over (there is no evidence for this happening but hey my fucked up head likes to cause me to start the self doubt and the eventual dread and anxiety)
this culminates no doubt with me starting reading too much into her text all the time,
"why didn't she say she loves me back?"
"why are her text so short and no committal?"
this will lead to me doing the old familiar crap I do.
yes this is the fucking stupid way my mind works.
just this once I would like for her to go away for a while enjoy herself without me in the background being annoying and stupid, that's the way I want to be, but I know I am going to fuck it up by doubting why she wants to be with me.
I realise how stupid it sounds when I type it out, but the only way I can do it, is to get it out. if I keep it in, I distort it goes south
in my head I am preparing, I will have limited contact with her and she'll be on the beach and no doubt clubbing with friends as so she should allowed to be, being in a calm state of mind I am nonplussed by this, but I know as soon as she is gone I am going to invent scenarios and issues and get myself upset and worked up and then become annoying clinging and wanting to talk more and convincing myself she is going to meet Mr wonderful on holiday, and that's it our wedding is over (there is no evidence for this happening but hey my fucked up head likes to cause me to start the self doubt and the eventual dread and anxiety)
this culminates no doubt with me starting reading too much into her text all the time,
"why didn't she say she loves me back?"
"why are her text so short and no committal?"
this will lead to me doing the old familiar crap I do.
yes this is the fucking stupid way my mind works.
just this once I would like for her to go away for a while enjoy herself without me in the background being annoying and stupid, that's the way I want to be, but I know I am going to fuck it up by doubting why she wants to be with me.
I realise how stupid it sounds when I type it out, but the only way I can do it, is to get it out. if I keep it in, I distort it goes south
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
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