A-yup. Why do you think I lurk instead of actively participate?
Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
- Thread starter Bagels
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A-yup. Why do you think I lurk instead of actively participate?
Why? What happened?
Collete
Member
Yeah but isn't right when people start calling a wuss to someone with mental issues...That really sets me off.
Basically some guy is experiencing relationship trouble and has a possibility of mental illness issues. One guy called the OP a wuss and started to say that he snapped out of his own depression issues and used that logic on the OP.
It just gives off an apperance that we can just snap out of it. He apologized for calling the OP a wuss but...it really pisses me off when people put stuff like that...
It gives off an air that our issues are nothing, when it's a mix of biological and societal issues that we're facing.
...And I'm already feeling extreme anxiety and depression over visiting my cousins cause I know they'll ask me about my life situation and I don't know what to tell them. I applied to grad schools for Creative Writing
Which, the very subject is enough to cringe most asian families...
....I really just hate myself right now...
hunchback
Member
Happy holidays to everyone here. I will be here during the entire holiday and weekend if anybody wants to chat. Let's make it through the holiday together.
I'm by myself this year. My disability has made it so I can't physically handle the 5 hour drive to see my wife's family. She left last night and will be back Monday. The house is way too quiet.
I'm by myself this year. My disability has made it so I can't physically handle the 5 hour drive to see my wife's family. She left last night and will be back Monday. The house is way too quiet.
I think I know what you're referring to and that thread, and some of its posts, was really bothersome to me, too. I'm sorry it's bothering you, too. Just try not to let it get to you if you can help it, I think it's just people don't really understand sometimes. :-/
ETA: oh yeah, I should have read further. That's the thread I was thinking of.
Double ETA: Collete, please don't hate yourself; you're always super kind to others on here, very insightful, and a terrifically talented artist! Those are just objective facts so don't even try to deny them!
God today was super hard...
I feel hopeless like everything is for nothing, I have many wishes and aspirations but I spend most of my time in my room in bed. Im ashamed. it takes a great deal of effort to get out of bed once I'm Already there.
I heard having an actual schedule can definitely help suppress feeling depressed so today I tried to reset my sleep pattern, but I ended up just sleeping for 4 hours.
2015 is the year I try medication. I can't take this anymore.
I feel hopeless like everything is for nothing, I have many wishes and aspirations but I spend most of my time in my room in bed. Im ashamed. it takes a great deal of effort to get out of bed once I'm Already there.
I heard having an actual schedule can definitely help suppress feeling depressed so today I tried to reset my sleep pattern, but I ended up just sleeping for 4 hours.
2015 is the year I try medication. I can't take this anymore.
For the first time since my teenage years well over a decade ago, I contemplated suicide last night. There was pretty close to zero chance of me going through with it, but it bothers me considerably that I even thought about it for a lengthy period of time. It makes me feel a little better to just mention it somewhere. Maybe I'm just being an attention whore, I dunno. But there it is.
Welp, time to put my game face on and get back to it.
Welp, time to put my game face on and get back to it.
I'm pretty much in the same boat,
I'm 24 years old and yesterday was my first time seeing a psychiatrist about my problems. (Anxiety, depression). I have to admit it felt good, like taking the first step in curing myself. Anyone else care to share stories about their first time opening up and taking the first step in seeking medical help?
Silphonica
Banned
I'm at the very beginning as well, I have my first therapy appointment in 3 weeks after my psych evaluation that i had about 5 weeks ago and i'm on anti-depressents (still waiting to work). I felt calm for a while as I told myself that after 14 years i'm finally getting help, but it gets hard, I still have a long road and the holiday period itself doesn't help. It's 4:34 am, christmas morning, i'm home alone because my anxiety made me chicken out from going to see my aunt and my cousins for christmas and now i'm drinking and feeling like shit.
;(
I went through the worst 2 days of my life. I was actually suicidal. I never thought I would admit this out loud. But there it is. Prior to this past year, I have never been depressed in my life. I've been a very happy person. But this year was awful, and I had so much terrible shit happen to me. And right now I've been in a fragile state.
I met someone wonderful months back. This person got me through the roughest time in my life. I love this person so much. We have a complex history, that would take too long to talk about. But basically, this friend started cutting me out recently. They stopped talking to me as much as we used to. And it hurt me, because I put so much of myself into this relationship. I cared so much about them, and was so emotionally invested in it. That is what killed me. Like, every day this relationship meant something to me. It was something I thought about, and looked forward to. And yet, it felt like this friend was just apathetic and casual to it.
So I finally confronted them on it. They got upset. And then I lost it. Just after everything that's happened to me this year. Just after everything. After having so much loss, after being abandoned. And now the only person I have in my life, the only person I care about...doesn't even want to talk to me. Doesn't even want me. I just fell into despair. I had never felt so low in my life.
I seriously considered killing myself. I couldn't even get out of bed the past two days. It was that bad. Me and this friend tried to work it out. But I was gone in my despair, I just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. This friend told me that I could talk to them today if I wanted to. They didn't talk to me all day. I texted, they didn't reply to any of my texts. I even wrote them on a forum (that they post on)...and they ignored all my PMs.
Now that I'm calming down and getting out of the despair, I look back and I cringe. I was so pathetic. I can't believe I texted them so many times. I can't believe I PMd them so many times. I can't believe how erratic my emotions were, and how much I kept swinging from one extreme to the other. But I was just so fragile, that them not talking to me, only would confirm and insecurity I had.
I just fuckin fell apart.
And so here I am. My friend won't talk to me. I'm spending Christmas Eve all alone. I'm spending Christmas all alone. And that's that. They wouldn't even give me closure. Wouldn't even just talk to me one last time. I can't blame them. I mean, after all the shit, I would be exhausted to. But I really needed someone, anyone to talk to. I was on the edge of a cliff today, and came so close to just jumping off. And all I needed was this person to talk to me. About anything. Even if for a sentence. And I got silence. Well in the end, I got myself off the cliff. I've gotten out of the despair.
I'm moving forward from this shitty week. I've found someone to go stay with. So I'm not alone. But I don't think I'll ever forgive this person for what they did today. At the same time, I know I share some of the blame. I know I've been awful. I know I've been apart of the problem. All I ever really wanted though, was to be loved. To just have someone care. And in the end, I feel like this person was all talk. And I'm so angry. Ultimately, I have no one but to blame but myself. I should have listened to her. I should have tried to work it out. I'm still so hurt and crushed that she would cut me out (what lead up to this). I'm so sad and confused about what she did, that led to this. But at the point that it all fell apart, and we had so many back and forths, it was then my fault for not dealing with the situation. I was just so far gone emotionally.
I guess that's that. I guess we are over. Time to move on. I can't help but feel so much anger. I'm so angry. I'm so angry she would let me be so scared and alone on Christmas Eve. All I wanted was a single text. Just something. Just anyhting. I just needed 1 min of someone's time. Sigh.
Happy Christmas people. Stay positive, stay safe. I love everyone on here.
I met someone wonderful months back. This person got me through the roughest time in my life. I love this person so much. We have a complex history, that would take too long to talk about. But basically, this friend started cutting me out recently. They stopped talking to me as much as we used to. And it hurt me, because I put so much of myself into this relationship. I cared so much about them, and was so emotionally invested in it. That is what killed me. Like, every day this relationship meant something to me. It was something I thought about, and looked forward to. And yet, it felt like this friend was just apathetic and casual to it.
So I finally confronted them on it. They got upset. And then I lost it. Just after everything that's happened to me this year. Just after everything. After having so much loss, after being abandoned. And now the only person I have in my life, the only person I care about...doesn't even want to talk to me. Doesn't even want me. I just fell into despair. I had never felt so low in my life.
I seriously considered killing myself. I couldn't even get out of bed the past two days. It was that bad. Me and this friend tried to work it out. But I was gone in my despair, I just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. This friend told me that I could talk to them today if I wanted to. They didn't talk to me all day. I texted, they didn't reply to any of my texts. I even wrote them on a forum (that they post on)...and they ignored all my PMs.
Now that I'm calming down and getting out of the despair, I look back and I cringe. I was so pathetic. I can't believe I texted them so many times. I can't believe I PMd them so many times. I can't believe how erratic my emotions were, and how much I kept swinging from one extreme to the other. But I was just so fragile, that them not talking to me, only would confirm and insecurity I had.
I just fuckin fell apart.
And so here I am. My friend won't talk to me. I'm spending Christmas Eve all alone. I'm spending Christmas all alone. And that's that. They wouldn't even give me closure. Wouldn't even just talk to me one last time. I can't blame them. I mean, after all the shit, I would be exhausted to. But I really needed someone, anyone to talk to. I was on the edge of a cliff today, and came so close to just jumping off. And all I needed was this person to talk to me. About anything. Even if for a sentence. And I got silence. Well in the end, I got myself off the cliff. I've gotten out of the despair.
I'm moving forward from this shitty week. I've found someone to go stay with. So I'm not alone. But I don't think I'll ever forgive this person for what they did today. At the same time, I know I share some of the blame. I know I've been awful. I know I've been apart of the problem. All I ever really wanted though, was to be loved. To just have someone care. And in the end, I feel like this person was all talk. And I'm so angry. Ultimately, I have no one but to blame but myself. I should have listened to her. I should have tried to work it out. I'm still so hurt and crushed that she would cut me out (what lead up to this). I'm so sad and confused about what she did, that led to this. But at the point that it all fell apart, and we had so many back and forths, it was then my fault for not dealing with the situation. I was just so far gone emotionally.
I guess that's that. I guess we are over. Time to move on. I can't help but feel so much anger. I'm so angry. I'm so angry she would let me be so scared and alone on Christmas Eve. All I wanted was a single text. Just something. Just anyhting. I just needed 1 min of someone's time. Sigh.
Happy Christmas people. Stay positive, stay safe. I love everyone on here.
Buckethead
Banned
I feel so trapped and fucked by life.
I feel like the scenes in Watchmen with The Comedian and Pagliacci rolled into one.
I feel like the scenes in Watchmen with The Comedian and Pagliacci rolled into one.
We should always be careful not too give too much of ourselves to another person. Although I know sometimes it can't be helped. You never know when someone will hurt you. Betray you. Even destroy you. Then again they maybe the one to save you. A cynical view but I've always been a cynical man. You gave a lot of love to this person and in turn they did not reciprocate. I'm sure they never intended to hurt you but they should have well known how vulnerable you were after the things you have been through. To me they are not deserving of such love. To just cut you out like that is cold and uncaring. My advice is to move on because it seems they have already done so. Try not to let this experience harden your heart. I'm sure there will be other good people to come into your life.
We have to live for ourselves are at least try our hardest to. For some I know this is not enough. Of course if you are fortunate enough to find someone to truly care for than cherish that with all your heart but always save some love for yourself. I wish all of you the best and hope you can find some happiness.
Silphonica
Banned
deejay8595
my posts are "MEH"
When I was feeling down and depressed a few weeks ago, I told myself "Why am I feeling like this? I'm 29, no kids, own place, car, good job, and in school...Why??"
The majority (70%) of it was because I was thinking too much of what people thought about me. The other 30% was in regards to females. After taking the mindset of "Not having any emotions/ Not giving a f***", I feel like a brand new person. When I'm out and about, it's as if I'm in another zone where I'm only focused on my destination and goals for the particular time & day. No longer do I care what people think, in regards to hearing my opinion. If you're a kind person at heart, be that person and not try to fake it being a jerk. People will see right through it and will notice the difference, in a bad way.
I'm going to say this, in regards to people who are having relationship, girlfriend/boyfriend problems, or just problems with a person you're seeing in general. If you feel they're making you unhappy, leave and move on. There are so many people in this world who'd value & appreciate spending time with you. Have the mindset that you're the prize and they should be lucky to be with you.
The majority (70%) of it was because I was thinking too much of what people thought about me. The other 30% was in regards to females. After taking the mindset of "Not having any emotions/ Not giving a f***", I feel like a brand new person. When I'm out and about, it's as if I'm in another zone where I'm only focused on my destination and goals for the particular time & day. No longer do I care what people think, in regards to hearing my opinion. If you're a kind person at heart, be that person and not try to fake it being a jerk. People will see right through it and will notice the difference, in a bad way.
I'm going to say this, in regards to people who are having relationship, girlfriend/boyfriend problems, or just problems with a person you're seeing in general. If you feel they're making you unhappy, leave and move on. There are so many people in this world who'd value & appreciate spending time with you. Have the mindset that you're the prize and they should be lucky to be with you.
It was partly my fault. I had just gone through a year of cancer. My family refused to support me. I had just moved so I had no friends. I became too dependent on this person. I'm realizing that now. I have anger for this person, but I also look at my part in this.
I just wish they would have said something to me today. Knowing that I was in such bad shape. Knowing it was Christmas Eve. Fuck.
I'm actually with a friend right now. So I can't reply more in depth. But your post has a lot of great points. And I'll read it again. I still love this person. And I do think I share a lot of the blame. The situation sucks. I'm still angry. But maybe I should let it go.
Give it a little time. This isn't necessarily a friendship that has ended, at least based on the evidence you've shared. Definitely give this person some space, just so you can prove to her that you're not clingy and maybe try to talk to her in the future, when you're gotten some perspective and aren't as dependent on her. Just use this knowledge in the future so that you don't fall into the same trap again.
I've been helping with my mum with preparing Christmas dinner, along with getting our house ready for Christmas Day. I still miss my friend, who isn't talking to me, but I'm trying my best with having a cherry/eccentric facade that is covering up how hollow & broken I am. :'(
hunchback
Member
I think that is great you are going to staying with someone. I think this can be a good break if you want it to. Try to focus on relaxing and enjoying yourself. Try to put the current situation on the back burner while you're with your friend. I know that is easier said than done. I think if you give yourself a little break you can come back fresh and ready to cope and move forward.
Once you get back, you really need to focus on your well being. Do you have access to a Dr or therapist? You should really consider seeing someone and look into your options. You are a good person who deserves to be happy. Let us know how how you are doing over the holiday.
OccamsBlender
Member
I recognize this cycle...Get excited for a new job, it goes really well at first but it slowly dissolves into a horrific pile of overtime hell. I'm old. I missed the boat on going back to school. I can't change careers. I'm stuck. The pendulum to suicide swings again. Why do I keep doing this to myself? What's wrong with me?
User 479360
Banned
Merry Christmas, guys! Channukah if you celebrate that.
Stay safe.
Stay safe.
Vigilant Walrus
Member
I think thinking of suicide is a completely natural thing. I think we live in a culture that tries to ignore the prospect of death, which is weird, as it is the most defining things all humans have in common, and it is the destination for all of us.
A guy I like to listen to Daniele Bolelli who has a podcast called The Drunken Taoist ( http://thedrunkentaoist.com/ < which is really good. highly recommended) talks about how suicide can almost give you a sense of relief. If you are in such a downward state that you feel that you have no options left, paradoxically, thinking about suicide, there is always another option, and that somehow makes the tribulations you are facing in real life more manageable.
I think there is something to it, as my depression is fueled into what I am not doing. I can do things that makes me able to preserver and be happy, and if I don't do it, I get depressed as fuck. It's bizarre. It reminds me of Einsteins answer when a journalist asked him how he was so productive throughout his life. He said that he simply had to start doing things as soon as he got up. The dishes, the laundry, - Just basic stuff to set the precedent throughout the day. If he didn't, or slept late, he would be unproductive and more moody. I interpretate it as basically the "first step is the hardest, but one the ball rolls, it's all weeeeee from there".
Everybody is different though, and everybodys circumstances are different though. Some people tock off all the things, chores, goals and milages they need throughout the day, and it just feels like never ending lists and stacks that keeps piling off, and they never get peace. This is a random tangent so I will stop. Dot.
I think it's time to just move on tbh. Honestly. It's okay. I've accepted it. I think, I needed to hit rock bottom to be able to step back and just look at how fucked my life has become. Because really, my life was NOT this year a year + ago. I've never had these emotional issues before. So I feel totally embarrassed by it. I feel really embarrassed by how I've acted.
But again, I think this has also allowed me to see how terrible my life has been, how bad my state has been. And now I'm able to just pick up the pieces and move on. To be clear, I feel awful still. I'm not in a good place. This doesn't just magically cure over night. I feel a lot of pain and hurt. And I still feel like my emotions will drop out at any moment.
However, I'm able to think. I have my mind. And my mind is able to sort this all out, and start to rationalize things for what they are. I did not want to spill my guts on GAF to be angry or vindictive. More so, I just needed to see it written out. I needed to get it out of my system. And now that I have, I feel I can just move on.
Sometimes it's best just to move on with your life, and say goodbye to people. And what my heart is honestly telling me, is that it's time for me to move on and never talk to this person ever again. And that's what I've decided to do. My biggest regret, is that I wish I could have told them before this, that I was sorry. And that, even though I think we both did bad things, I don't want them to feel bad. Because I think, a lot of my own personal issues impacted both of us in a very big way. I think her actions were a result of my issues poisoning things.
Anyways, I don't want to be down. I want to look up. I feel miserable right now. I feel a lot of things. But I also just want to keep my head up. I mean, I really thought about ending my life the other day. It was something I really felt was the only option. It was that bad. I'm going to make sure to surround myself by people, so that I don't have my emotions swing that other way again. But I think because my mind is here, and I can think. And I'm able to access all of this, I think I'll be fine. But I won't take that for granted (so I will have people by me).
But I just want to move on. Anyways, I hope everyone in here stays safe. And has a good Christmas. Even if alone, I hope you find something to enjoy. Even if that is just a game, or a movie. Or anything. Just find some joy.
Had a great holiday so to speak.. 401k came through in time to get gifts for everybody. We hung out with friends whereupon my daughter wrote the following postcard to Santa without prompting (cynical me was dreading seeing a list of toys)
But then, a half hour ago, my daughter had another moment with her friend that made me feel the absolute worst. A few months back in this thread I posted how she complained about being poor and tried to take one of her friends toys as a result. Tonight, when packing their toys, I mistakenly put the wrong one in her bag and her friend made her feel bad about it when it was honestly my mistake.
She was in tears and was begging them that if they looked around their house and found another (she thought it was hers as well due to my mistake) to let her have the spare.
In the car on the way home, this 7 year old pours her heart out to me and says she hates that her friend makes her feel jealous and she doesn't like feeling that way and that she shouldn't feel that way.
So, on one hand, I'm happy she recognizes these feelings and is in touch enough to say that stuff, but I hate that I can't do anything about it.
I wish I had a full time job again that I could spoil my wife and daughter the way her friends family does.
But then, a half hour ago, my daughter had another moment with her friend that made me feel the absolute worst. A few months back in this thread I posted how she complained about being poor and tried to take one of her friends toys as a result. Tonight, when packing their toys, I mistakenly put the wrong one in her bag and her friend made her feel bad about it when it was honestly my mistake.
She was in tears and was begging them that if they looked around their house and found another (she thought it was hers as well due to my mistake) to let her have the spare.
In the car on the way home, this 7 year old pours her heart out to me and says she hates that her friend makes her feel jealous and she doesn't like feeling that way and that she shouldn't feel that way.
So, on one hand, I'm happy she recognizes these feelings and is in touch enough to say that stuff, but I hate that I can't do anything about it.
I wish I had a full time job again that I could spoil my wife and daughter the way her friends family does.
Metalingus5150
Member
Life just hurts ya know?
I'm going to make a final post.
I wanted to first thank GAF for everything they've done for me. I've had a rough year. They made me feel loved and cared for. I got so much support. This site meant so much to me. But I've been really struggling these past couple of days. I've lost my only friend and it really hurts. But I'm also now able to see things more clearly. I've hit rock bottom. Which means I can finally step back and look at myself. What I see is not good. I'm really embarassed and ashamed at how I've been. I never meant to be those things. I guess I've just been lost.
I need to start fresh, even if that means letting go of something like this that means so much to me. I can't keep posting when it pains me to think of this person. I just can't anymore. I plan on leaving soon for Japan and travelling. Hopefully I can clear my head and find a new beginning. But as of now I can't stop myself from crying every time I think of this person or every time I feel the hole in my heart. I had never cared about someone more then I had of them. The reality is, where I'm at in my life, right now. They were the only thing I really had. And losing that, has meant I have nothing.
I'm so hurt and angry. But I also realize so much of it was my own fault. I pushed all my issues on them. I became too clingy. The fact is, because they were the only thing that made me happy, I put too much on them. Putting everything on a single person is never good. It's not healthy. It took me hitting rock bottom and losing them to realize that.
I don't know what is next. I just know I can't stick around anymore. I can't keep being in this place. It hurts too much.
I'm not going to hurt myself. And I appreciate anyone trying to reach out. But please don't. I've thought about this, and it's what I need. It's what I'm going to do. I'm not sure if this will be bye forever. But it's goodbye for now. I just want to say I'm so sorry for anyone Ive ever disappointed. Just know I've always just had nothing but love in my heart for others. At my core this past year, I was just a scared and lonely person.
I wish things had been different. But I can't continue to occupy this same space. I'm worn out and tired of being hurt. I just wanted to say I hope everyone fights on and never gives up. If you need to reach me my Twitter is: @azulaGAF.
I wanted to first thank GAF for everything they've done for me. I've had a rough year. They made me feel loved and cared for. I got so much support. This site meant so much to me. But I've been really struggling these past couple of days. I've lost my only friend and it really hurts. But I'm also now able to see things more clearly. I've hit rock bottom. Which means I can finally step back and look at myself. What I see is not good. I'm really embarassed and ashamed at how I've been. I never meant to be those things. I guess I've just been lost.
I need to start fresh, even if that means letting go of something like this that means so much to me. I can't keep posting when it pains me to think of this person. I just can't anymore. I plan on leaving soon for Japan and travelling. Hopefully I can clear my head and find a new beginning. But as of now I can't stop myself from crying every time I think of this person or every time I feel the hole in my heart. I had never cared about someone more then I had of them. The reality is, where I'm at in my life, right now. They were the only thing I really had. And losing that, has meant I have nothing.
I'm so hurt and angry. But I also realize so much of it was my own fault. I pushed all my issues on them. I became too clingy. The fact is, because they were the only thing that made me happy, I put too much on them. Putting everything on a single person is never good. It's not healthy. It took me hitting rock bottom and losing them to realize that.
I don't know what is next. I just know I can't stick around anymore. I can't keep being in this place. It hurts too much.
I'm not going to hurt myself. And I appreciate anyone trying to reach out. But please don't. I've thought about this, and it's what I need. It's what I'm going to do. I'm not sure if this will be bye forever. But it's goodbye for now. I just want to say I'm so sorry for anyone Ive ever disappointed. Just know I've always just had nothing but love in my heart for others. At my core this past year, I was just a scared and lonely person.
I wish things had been different. But I can't continue to occupy this same space. I'm worn out and tired of being hurt. I just wanted to say I hope everyone fights on and never gives up. If you need to reach me my Twitter is: @azulaGAF.
Hey, take care of yourself, dude. I'm following you on Twitter.
Silphonica
Banned
Tell her that she is a wonderful and beautiful person for feeling the way she does, continue to teach her that regardless of the situation whether it is that friend or not, to have love and respect for them, even if they make you feel negative emotions.
___
Side note: I'm very drunk, I don't want to be alone.
Out of Working Order
Member
Good luck Azula. I've not spoken to you before, but I've read your posts and understand where you're coming from.
Having to accept that somebody you care about is out of your life is not an easy thing, but it is the first step to finding new relationships that will mean something to you in the future.
Having to accept that somebody you care about is out of your life is not an easy thing, but it is the first step to finding new relationships that will mean something to you in the future.
User 479360
Banned
Take care, Azula
This Christmas, I went away for the better part of two days (Christmas Day and Boxing Day, with a return today). My depression was bad on Christmas Day, and in total I definitely slept more hours than I was awake at my Aunt and Uncle's place. I got some good sleep there, which I enjoyed, but the rest was pretty boring.
I laid down for 45 minutes when I got there, then went to sleep at 8pm (after supper) and slept until 9-something the next morning. Then, I laid down during the day on Boxing Day, slept through supper, got up for a couple of hours and slept all night until 8:30am.
This Christmas, I went away for the better part of two days (Christmas Day and Boxing Day, with a return today). My depression was bad on Christmas Day, and in total I definitely slept more hours than I was awake at my Aunt and Uncle's place. I got some good sleep there, which I enjoyed, but the rest was pretty boring.
I laid down for 45 minutes when I got there, then went to sleep at 8pm (after supper) and slept until 9-something the next morning. Then, I laid down during the day on Boxing Day, slept through supper, got up for a couple of hours and slept all night until 8:30am.
Dice
Pokémon Parentage Conspiracy Theorist
So my work finally got bad enough that I put in my 2 weeks. Looking at websites where employees review their company, it is one of the worst rated employers I can find, so I guess I'm correct that I can find better. There are a million grievances I have with them, despite all my coworkers being awesome, but ultimately my anxiety was returning and I couldn't allow that. I had a coworker cover one of my shifts to get a day off, and even though I had nothing to do all day, if I took a deep breath (which I do often in meditation) I couldn't exhale without it being shaky. I know from before that it only gets worse, and then the panic episodes come in and my life is debilitated.
I figured that while it is commonly vastly better to find new work first, if I let my brain break my will again I won't have anything to find a new job with, so it's better this way. It still sucks that I have to, but I guess I am glad I'm out of there. No money is worth that cost, coming out of your off time in anxiety and fatigue, out of the hours at night you aren't able to sleep, out of your pocket at the doctor and the pharmacist, our of the joy in your heart when you spend time with loved ones, out of motivation or care because you're on meds, or days off the end of your life from stress. No money is worth it. I may be poor for a season or two or three, who knows, but I think I made the right choice. I'm very fortunate to have that choice because my family is here for me.
I feel bad for my coworkers now having to hold the store together without me, as I was a closing manager, but I guess it can't be helped. I did try to explain it to them before, how willpower doesn't always win, and when you learn that lesson it changes all the rules, and if my time ever came to go it would just happen. I'm not sure if they really understood, because my Buddhist practice made me the most composed person there under any stress. However, a good response isn't ones true state, it's just a chosen response, and strength for a time isn't a promise for impervious permanent endurance. I hope they get it.
I figured that while it is commonly vastly better to find new work first, if I let my brain break my will again I won't have anything to find a new job with, so it's better this way. It still sucks that I have to, but I guess I am glad I'm out of there. No money is worth that cost, coming out of your off time in anxiety and fatigue, out of the hours at night you aren't able to sleep, out of your pocket at the doctor and the pharmacist, our of the joy in your heart when you spend time with loved ones, out of motivation or care because you're on meds, or days off the end of your life from stress. No money is worth it. I may be poor for a season or two or three, who knows, but I think I made the right choice. I'm very fortunate to have that choice because my family is here for me.
I feel bad for my coworkers now having to hold the store together without me, as I was a closing manager, but I guess it can't be helped. I did try to explain it to them before, how willpower doesn't always win, and when you learn that lesson it changes all the rules, and if my time ever came to go it would just happen. I'm not sure if they really understood, because my Buddhist practice made me the most composed person there under any stress. However, a good response isn't ones true state, it's just a chosen response, and strength for a time isn't a promise for impervious permanent endurance. I hope they get it.
User 479360
Banned
Yay, it's almost 2015. Here's hoping that'll be the final year that my meat suit will walk this fucking shithole of a planet.
Out of Working Order
Member
Audioboxer
Member
Everyone who's posted in this thread, including you two chaps, *group hug*
NinJaSQUARE
Member
Hi guys.
I've been looking at this thread since I well joined and I figured it would help if I posted.
I've been suffering from anxiety and depression for at least 4 and a half years maybe even a lot longer than that, I can't remember.
My main problem is my loneliness. I really do want to address my problem of loneliness but the issue is I have no idea what to do. Let me give an idea of what's going on in my life. I play FFXIV:ARR and I have friends who I really do love and appreciate. However, I get really anxious talking to them sometimes because I'm worried they might find me annoying. Like when I send a message to one of my friends, they'll be like "Ugh, not him again.". They might not actually say this in their head but that's how I feel they react. I think I do a lot for them, like help out with any dungeons, gather materials, etc. Plus, when I communicate with them and I feel I'm annoying, I even not talk to them the next day so it would feel that I haven't talked to them for a while and they'd forget how annoying I am. I still feel pretty terrible not talking to them, because I really do, but I'm basically forcing myself not talking, which hurts me emotionally in the long run.
Despite all this, I still do feel very lonely. I don't know what to do. I'm really willing to get rid of my loneliness once and for all and just ACTUALLY feel happy and satisfied.
If anybody replies to this wall of text, I will really appreciate it.
I've been looking at this thread since I well joined and I figured it would help if I posted.
I've been suffering from anxiety and depression for at least 4 and a half years maybe even a lot longer than that, I can't remember.
My main problem is my loneliness. I really do want to address my problem of loneliness but the issue is I have no idea what to do. Let me give an idea of what's going on in my life. I play FFXIV:ARR and I have friends who I really do love and appreciate. However, I get really anxious talking to them sometimes because I'm worried they might find me annoying. Like when I send a message to one of my friends, they'll be like "Ugh, not him again.". They might not actually say this in their head but that's how I feel they react. I think I do a lot for them, like help out with any dungeons, gather materials, etc. Plus, when I communicate with them and I feel I'm annoying, I even not talk to them the next day so it would feel that I haven't talked to them for a while and they'd forget how annoying I am. I still feel pretty terrible not talking to them, because I really do, but I'm basically forcing myself not talking, which hurts me emotionally in the long run.
Despite all this, I still do feel very lonely. I don't know what to do. I'm really willing to get rid of my loneliness once and for all and just ACTUALLY feel happy and satisfied.
If anybody replies to this wall of text, I will really appreciate it.
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
If you're interested in a film about suicide and depression, I cannot recommend enough The Skeleton Twins. It's a pretty sad, sometimes lighthearted movie that does end on a good note.
Skeleton Twins is some good shit. I eagerly look forward to the day I can blow my brains out. Until then just be my miserable as shit self that needs to act all 'fine' for everyone. Fucking suffering through the usual holiday bullshit. Visiting large family out of state, get to see everyone and their happy lives and relationships and just be exhausted having to act like everything is going great. Nobody likes a downer.
User 479360
Banned
Good to hear. Good luck with the therapy. I'm sure the dog will help.
charlemagne
Member
Have you ever shared this worry with any of your friends? Having their reassurance that you're not annoying could be good.
hunchback
Member
How are you doing since you got back from the holiday? I saw your New Year message and am concerned. Are you getting plenty of sleep? Do you have a good friend you can ring in the new year with? Get the year started on a positive note.
Thanks. I have been wanting a service/therapy dog for a few years. It's amazing that they can tell when you are in physical or emotional pain. They react instantly and try to calm you. Have a great day. I'm here to listen if needed.
Out of Working Order
Member
Everyone who's posted in this thread, including you two chaps, *group hug*
Thanks, same to you.
Hi guys.
I've been looking at this thread since I well joined and I figured it would help if I posted.
I've been suffering from anxiety and depression for at least 4 and a half years maybe even a lot longer than that, I can't remember.
My main problem is my loneliness. I really do want to address my problem of loneliness but the issue is I have no idea what to do. Let me give an idea of what's going on in my life. I play FFXIV:ARR and I have friends who I really do love and appreciate. However, I get really anxious talking to them sometimes because I'm worried they might find me annoying. Like when I send a message to one of my friends, they'll be like "Ugh, not him again.". They might not actually say this in their head but that's how I feel they react. I think I do a lot for them, like help out with any dungeons, gather materials, etc. Plus, when I communicate with them and I feel I'm annoying, I even not talk to them the next day so it would feel that I haven't talked to them for a while and they'd forget how annoying I am. I still feel pretty terrible not talking to them, because I really do, but I'm basically forcing myself not talking, which hurts me emotionally in the long run.
Despite all this, I still do feel very lonely. I don't know what to do. I'm really willing to get rid of my loneliness once and for all and just ACTUALLY feel happy and satisfied.
If anybody replies to this wall of text, I will really appreciate it.
What makes you think that? They probably think nothing of the sort.
Do you go out and do things with friends?
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