Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy

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well I registered on a site like okcupid put a normal picture on it and 0 visitors. I changed the picture to a "hot" one and boom 12 message and women from 19 till 39 suddenly "like"me.

Still won't respond to any of those message. I'm disgusted by it.
 
low-G said:
Talked a lot with another female friend of mine, specifically about some guy she's trying to help in much the same way this thread is trying to help people. He's also a virgin, but he's one of those complainers, blaming women for everything, saying he's a nice guy, the works.

She showed me his profile, he looks more or less as good as me. His pictures were actually better, lots of great pics of him doing stuff. His profile had some weird stuff, some jokes and also some angry vindictive parts.

His whole problem. HIS WHOLE PROBLEM is all in his head. It seems so crazy. If he just stopped blaming this and that he'd be absolutely golden. Instead he hasn't had a single date in a time that I've had about 20 dates, had sex, made out with multiple women, blah blah blah, and this guy is literally no worse than me other than what's going on in his head.

It really struck me tonight. He must just think some mystical force is holding him back. He's blaming other people for his problems. All he has to do is be a little patient, know that he really is perfectly fine, and go out there and DO IT. He could get laid tomorrow if he simply knew where he actually IS.

It's funny, because while I realize I wasn't ever where he is mentally, I definitely had a similar experience. Telling a girl blah blah about me being a virgin. It's so simple, so irrelevant, once you realize it's simple.
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I dont know about this guy and how much is attributable to social anxiety or him being a douche against women, but saying it's all in his head and its actually real easy is ignorant of the actual problems. Being a virgin is a serious mind-screw the older you get. No experience means being at constant discomfort, which will come across in a date. Additionally social anxiety, while all in your head, i am convinced is a biological problem of some sort that develops like any other mental illness.

People that say 'get some confidence' piss me off. I have confidence in my life. Im good at my job. I go to the gym. I like my personality. But i have 0 confidence in dating and wont get any until i have success in that area. Success comes harder to someone in that position.
 
~Kinggi~ said:
I dont know about this guy and how much is attributable to social anxiety or him being a douche against women, but saying it's all in his head and its actually real easy is ignorant of the actual problems. Being a virgin is a serious mind-screw the older you get. No experience means being at constant discomfort, which will come across in a date. Additionally social anxiety, while all in your head, i am convinced is a biological problem of some sort that develops like any other mental illness.

People that say 'get some confidence' piss me off. I have confidence in my life. Im good at my job. I go to the gym. I like my personality. But i have 0 confidence in dating and wont get any until i have success in that area. Success comes harder to someone in that position.
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Finally, someone that gets it

1EUY1.gif
 
Confidence......yeah, that's probably my biggest issue too. I'm working on it though, but my mind just LOVES to set up a bunch of hurdles for me.
 
Key thing here i think for people with confidence issues is they need to accept the fact that in order to get any they are going to have to sink lower and go through some incredibly demoralizing times. Basically play the lotto until something works out and you can repeat it. Then you get some confidence. I said that a while ago and got yelled at here but its the damn truth nobody wants to accept cause everyone's advice is all 'hopeful' and less intimidating.
 
Lone_Prodigy said:
I think you should take some time to put up some good pictures, do a few match questions, and write a good profile before messaging girls. You only get one chance to make a favourable first impression.
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I put up a few, answered a bunch of questions when I was bored a week ago, and filled out pretty much everything.

Really all that was left for me to do was put up those pictures and start messaging people.

Who knows.
 
~Kinggi~ said:
I dont know about this guy and how much is attributable to social anxiety or him being a douche against women, but saying it's all in his head and its actually real easy is ignorant of the actual problems. Being a virgin is a serious mind-screw the older you get. No experience means being at constant discomfort, which will come across in a date. Additionally social anxiety, while all in your head, i am convinced is a biological problem of some sort that develops like any other mental illness.

People that say 'get some confidence' piss me off. I have confidence in my life. Im good at my job. I go to the gym. I like my personality. But i have 0 confidence in dating and wont get any until i have success in that area. Success comes harder to someone in that position.
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Yeah, no. I had none either. I was a virgin too, yet I built myself up because I stopped making excuses and I just did what I needed to. Years ago I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorders. I struggled through that. Went on meds for a few years. The only thing that ever worked was to stop making excuses, and to never give up no matter what.

But this excuses culture. This blame culture, blame women, blame my body, blame my own mind, that's what's holding you back.

You don't have to take my advice, but I seriously thought I was only fit to be a serial murderer & rapist. As soon as I started fighting hard to attain my goals I started having success. I let go of all fear (far fucking easier said than done), but that is the way.
 
low-G said:
Yeah, no. I had none either. I was a virgin too, yet I built myself up because I stopped making excuses and I just did what I needed to. Years ago I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorders. I struggled through that. Went on meds for a few years. The only thing that ever worked was to stop making excuses, and to never give up no matter what.

But this excuses culture. This blame culture, blame women, blame my body, blame my own mind, that's what's holding you back.

You don't have to take my advice, but I seriously thought I was only fit to be a serial murderer & rapist. As soon as I started fighting hard to attain my goals I started having success. I let go of all fear (far fucking easier said than done), but that is the way.
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Gee, go you, yet nothing you just said refuted anything i said so i dont know why you are responding to me. Nowhere in that post did i say things were impossible. Just not easy, which is what you just said.
 
Fake it until you make it. As hard as it is, pretend that it doesn't matter. Perhaps adopt some of the mannerisms of more successful people. You don't have to be entirely confident, per-se. But be driven.
 
cute girl came with her friend (who i know) and the friends boyfriend to basketball tonight. they left before i could get a chance to figure out the cute girls name, so i messaged the girl i know on fb asking who she came with. good/bad idea? what do i do next ? lol
 
Lulz...online dating.

Pro tip: Invest in three things: A diverse set of good pics, a genuine, well crafted profile and an endearing non creepy message template.

Then message literally as many women as you can.

80% Won't look at your profile, 10% will decide to go to another page in their brochure, 5% will be shitty dates and the other 5% = potential relationships or lays.

Just the nature of the beast. There are a ton of sinister motherfuckers on there who prey on even the ugliest women.

Get out there and socialize and confront women in person. Your competition will go from hundreds of horny guys on the internet to, at worst, some of the lames at their college/bars they frequent, and the truth is that the girl who declines to respond to your message on a dating site is actually far less likely to turn you down in person.

So yea, fuck online dating.

probably a good time to admit I've been in a happy, exclusive relationship with a girl I met from OKC though lulz
 
Minamu said:
Everything is as hard and difficult as you make it out to be and/or want it to be...
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What in the world is this supposed to mean...I made it difficult being treated like an outcast my entire life? It's all on me that to this day people make jokes at my expense? What about knowing that no matter how much you work to change it will never be enough? No matter how hard or how little I try the outcome is rejection. It's not even about girls anymore but people in general.

What about knowing that even though a girl may actually notice you and find you attractive you know that when she sees your grotesque body whatever attraction she had will disappear. I'm tired of kicking myself for not living up to a potential that was never possible anyways.

I've been coming into this thread since Combine first started it back in the days and you could count the success stories on one hand. Most of the people that come in here actually got girl problems. At the end of the day, sure I could go out there and try talking to every woman I see but it would be a test of just how much of a beating my psyche can take.
 
JokerOfSpades said:
While that sounds nice on a card, it's not exactly practical advice for people who are depressed.
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I don't know much about depression of course, but hopefully something like that can trigger some soul searching in general. I can't help but feel that kingi wants life to be difficult, so it is. Not hard on purpose obviously but on some deeper level.
 
~Kinggi~ said:
Gee, go you, yet nothing you just said refuted anything i said so i dont know why you are responding to me. Nowhere in that post did i say things were impossible. Just not easy, which is what you just said.
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The more positive you are, the easier it'll be, talking/thinking about how hard it is isn't going to get you anywhere.
 
1) Not caring is significantly more difficult than you make it out to be
2) If you don't care what the outcome is, then you won't really be trying - after all, every girl/guy is the same as the last, and they mean nothing
 
JokerOfSpades said:
1) Not caring is significantly more difficult than you make it out to be
2) If you don't care what the outcome is, then you won't really be trying - after all, every girl/guy is the same as the last, and they mean nothing
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1) I don't think it's more difficult than I make it out to be. Maybe it is for you because you have a guilt complex, but it's doable. I'm not telling you to be a lying cheating scumbag, but to not fear consequence. You should be accepting of whatever consequences that your actions cause and not fear them.

2) Again, not necessarily. It's not that they mean nothing, it's you just don't care about the immediate outcome. How are you not trying? If you're super emotionally invested, I think that's far more problematic than if you don't care. If you don't care, rejection won't hurt you. But if you're really emotionally invested, rejection will knock you down and keep you there for a while.
 
JokerOfSpades said:
1) Not caring is significantly more difficult than you make it out to be
2) If you don't care what the outcome is, then you won't really be trying - after all, every girl/guy is the same as the last, and they mean nothing
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1) Not really, unless you convince yourself it is.
2) If that's what you believe, life will reflect it. Viewing people as ordinary people and seeing them for what they truly are is healthy. Not caring about the outcome will give them the chance to prove they are extraordinary :)
 
NotTheGuyYouKill said:
1) I don't think it's more difficult than I make it out to be. Maybe it is for you because you have a guilt complex, but it's doable. I'm not telling you to be a lying cheating scumbag, but to not fear consequence. You should be accepting of whatever consequences that your actions cause and not fear them.

2) Again, not necessarily. It's not that they mean nothing, it's you just don't care about the immediate outcome. How are you not trying? If you're super emotionally invested, I think that's far more problematic than if you don't care. If you don't care, rejection won't hurt you. But if you're really emotionally invested, rejection will knock you down and keep you there for a while.
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Some responses are biological. You can't tell yourself to not care like it's some kind of mundane choice. That's like telling someone not to be nervous if they're going skydiving. Eventually the responses take over.

Also, it's nice to see my post got ignored because it can't be solved with some cheesy answer out of a self-help book.
 
MiDNiGHTS said:
Some responses are biological. You can't tell yourself to not care like it's some kind of mundane choice. That's like telling someone not to be nervous if they're going skydiving. Eventually the responses take over.

Also, it's nice to see my post got ignored because it can't be solved with some cheesy answer out of a self-help book.
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I'm in school now so I don't have much time to respond but I'll try to later :) Not caring won't come easy for most but it's a skill you can train so I do believe you can stop those kinds of responses. At the very least, you won't be forced act in an automatic way to such things. With enough training, being nervous before a skydive won't hinder you as it normally would. It IS possible to learn to change your response to stimuli.
 
Minamu said:
I'm in school now so I don't have much time to respond but I'll try to later :) Not caring won't come easy for most but it's a skill you can train so I do believe you can stop those kinds of responses. At the very least, you won't be forced act in an automatic way to such things. With enough training, being nervous before a skydive won't hinder you as it normally would. It IS possible to learn to change your response to stimuli.
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I'd like to also point out that not caring doesn't really ensure any kind of success. It might make it easier on yourself but it will do little to nothing to change outcomes.
 
MiDNiGHTS said:
Some responses are biological. You can't tell yourself to not care like it's some kind of mundane choice. That's like telling someone not to be nervous if they're going skydiving. Eventually the responses take over.

Also, it's nice to see my post got ignored because it can't be solved with some cheesy answer out of a self-help book.
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I was speaking to Joker specifically because he's posted similar things before. I haven't actually read the thread in a while. But now that you bring it up.

MiDNiGHTS said:
What in the world is this supposed to mean...I made it difficult being treated like an outcast my entire life? It's all on me that to this day people make jokes at my expense? What about knowing that no matter how much you work to change it will never be enough? No matter how hard or how little I try the outcome is rejection. It's not even about girls anymore but people in general.

What about knowing that even though a girl may actually notice you and find you attractive you know that when she sees your grotesque body whatever attraction she had will disappear. I'm tired of kicking myself for not living up to a potential that was never possible anyways.

I've been coming into this thread since Combine first started it back in the days and you could count the success stories on one hand. Most of the people that come in here actually got girl problems. At the end of the day, sure I could go out there and try talking to every woman I see but it would be a test of just how much of a beating my psyche can take.
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Don't need the crazy rant to come back and haunt me.

MiDNiGHTS said:
I'd like to also point out that not caring doesn't really ensure any kind of success. It might make it easier on yourself but it will do little to nothing to change outcomes.
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I think it does. Think about it. If you are emotionally invested, it shows. It shows in your speech, in your posture, in your body language. But if you don't care about the consequences, that shows too. It shows confidence. Because you have no fear of consequences. It's not exactly the same thing, but I think it's similar.

Edit: I'm going to bed, don't quit these ramblings, I'll delete them in the morning.
 
Not quite. Being invested or not invested doesn't show until the end. Being invested doesn't mean not confident. Anyways, this wasn't about me. I stand by the "fake it until you make it" advice.
 
fake it until you make it is very good advice.

i mean who lost their virginity telling the girl that they were a virgin? sometimes you just have to lie to make things happen at first. and then after a lot of it has happened you don't need to lie any more.
 
Smelly Tramp said:
fake it until you make it is very good advice.

i mean who lost their virginity telling the girl that they were a virgin? sometimes you just have to lie to make things happen at first. and then after a lot of it has happened you don't need to lie any more.
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I did! She even laughed at me, and I had to toughen the fuck up and pretend it didn't make me even more scared/confused. I was 23.
 
Smelly Tramp said:
fake it until you make it is very good advice.

i mean who lost their virginity telling the girl that they were a virgin? sometimes you just have to lie to make things happen at first. and then after a lot of it has happened you don't need to lie any more.
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Like VW, I did too. In fact, that was what triggered the sex to happen in the first place. As for faking it, I recommend this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzBdLR2fbU4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4SvysPf6tl8
 
Smelly Tramp said:
i mean who lost their virginity telling the girl that they were a virgin?
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Become close friends with a REALLY nice girl and then tell her that. Had her offer me sex, I turned it down because pity virginity taking is hella weird. Didn't seem right. Got laid by a girl that actually wanted to fuck me several days later.
 
Smelly Tramp said:
fake it until you make it is very good advice.

i mean who lost their virginity telling the girl that they were a virgin? sometimes you just have to lie to make things happen at first. and then after a lot of it has happened you don't need to lie any more.
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I didn't think it was that serious... Lost mines and my gf at the time knew that I was a virgin. I don't think I know anyone that LIED about it.
 
yeh so i just broke down today. not sure what it was. it's been 2 weeks since the break up now, i don't mean crying or anything, but i txt her saying i wanted her back, that i'd change, that this was all a wake up call and that i could give her what she wants.

she replied back saying we'd speak next week, but that she doesn't think we should be together. "we can't change that quickly".

my god i am so weak. i've been so strong this past week as well, she was sending me messages and i was giving her one word answers back, and ignoring many of them.

and today, ugh, i've lost it. take my man card away now gaf. shiiit.
 
Smelly Tramp said:
yeh so i just broke down today. not sure what it was. it's been 2 weeks since the break up now, i don't mean crying or anything, but i txt her saying i wanted her back, that i'd change, that this was all a wake up call and that i could give her what she wants.

she replied back saying we'd speak next week, but that she doesn't think we should be together. "we can't change that quickly".

my god i am so weak. i've been so strong this past week as well, she was sending me messages and i was giving her one word answers back, and ignoring many of them.

and today, ugh, i've lost it. take my man card away now gaf. shiiit.
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Never do that again. Learn from this mistake. Women want strong men, not wimps.
 
I am currently not dating, I am working on myself, (or that's what I tell to myself. lol?)

And While I am playing with the idea of looking for a girl, as a gay-curious man, if I ever pull it off it will be because I never gave a fuck.

That's how life works, it works with your job, friends, love, and everything. I am not planning of getting nervous about I whether any girl (or man) likes me, if they think I am a good lover, a good kisser, are attractive, or a "good catch". I give my best and try to keep a nice and friendly attitude at all times, but that's it.

my tip is get invested or commited to a thing or person, but don't give a fuck. and yeah, it makes sense and it's possible.

They want you? be there, day one. They don't want you? FUCK them, all of them.
 
Me yesterday;

fuck it im gonna message this one girl and see what happens. We are like a 1:1 match its spooky. But all the interesting ones seem to always be like 40 miles away :(
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Fuck, just as i suspected, my pitch-perfect message equating to fishing with dynamite has elicited a response from said girl and now i am in knots. This is when the crippling anxiety begins, and no matter what the hell i do i cant overcome it. HALPPPPPPP

When i actually do send a message i actually have incredible response ratio.
 
Smelly Tramp said:
fake it until you make it is very good advice.

i mean who lost their virginity telling the girl that they were a virgin? sometimes you just have to lie to make things happen at first. and then after a lot of it has happened you don't need to lie any more.
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I did. If a girl was going to ditch me on account of my virginity, then I wouldn't want to waste my time with her.
 
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