Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
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Lots of guys would be. Just play it out and see if you have chemistry.
You don't have to say YO YOU AIN'T GETTING ANY OF THIS *points to crotch*, you just need to be diplomatic and subtle, like "I really like what we have going on and don't want to ruin it by moving too fast. Let's see where the next month takes us and how comfortable we are with each other."
A decent guy will wait--just realize that eventually, they'll wonder if it's something with THEM if you're not physically interested. We're all human and have our doubts sometimes.
"Meant to"? I don't even really know what that means.
Well, obviously the thought of men as scary is one of your problems. I won't pretend that I can help you with that, but I would recommend you talk with someone about it. If not friends, a professional? This obviously matters to you, or you wouldn't be in the thread.
Bam Bam Baklava
Member
Let's be clear about something here, I do try. I'm not one of those guys that won't do anything and just sulks like some of the others who have come and gone in this thread, I actually try and fail a decent amount and to add insults to injury I get clowned on by people for it. I guess my problem is I do still care and it still gets to me but it's not a switch I can turn off...takes time to stop caring.
Of course it's not a switch...change takes time.
It's possible to change, all of us.
You just have to work at it and stick at it. Some changes come faster than others.
Care a little bit. I stopped caring what people thought about me and I became an arrogant ass in high school. Me just being me has been more than enough to get dates by just having basic conversations with girls. Remember: looks may help at the start, but your personality will keep them around and coming back for more.
It's normal to have hangups about this sort of thing if you've been alone the whole time 'til recently. Just think rationally about it, use alcohol to relax and get you past the nerves if need be (just not too much), and go for it with someone you like and click with and you think is a good person. You can also (and maybe should, if you need to be super comfortable in order to go through with it) explain your circumstances beforehand after you've reached the point of finding someone cool so the guy you're seeing can be extra gentle and understanding, and can maybe wait a bit longer than typical in the dating process without worrying that he's actually in the friend zone or something.
You're not weird or crazy, just inexperienced, and it's put sex on a pedestal for you when it's totally natural and simple and good and fun. Guys are just people like you, looking for someone to be with (look at all these thousands of posts in this thread). Worry less, adventure more! It's okay to be scared, just never okay to let it be an excuse to hide from what you want to experience. Then you can get on with your life and have one less thing to dwell on, and not feel like you're different from everyone around you.
Bam Bam Baklava
Member
Honestly, I'm so out of it at this point I don't even know what's right or wrong. Am I caring too much or too little? Who knows, whatever it is it's not working very well. I don't have looks or personality so I'm kind of double screwed.
Sometimes I wonder if I should pay a guy like Ryan Gosling in that movie Crazy Stupid Love to give me some advice out in the real world (if that kind of person even exists IRL).
See, that last part still shows how insecure you are. I didn't say to stop caring so you become a social inept ass, I said to stop caring so you don't worry so much about other people judging you. Then you can look at yourself first and fix your own flaws--because YOU want to, not because THEY want you to.
Neither can be that bad. I know some odd looking guys who have shit personalities -- they think they are above everyone and should only date models. As long as you aren't like that then you can meet a nice girl. Start a conversation with a girl you have no interest in and gain confidence through that.
I'm not some legendary looker myself, but I found talking opens many doors with girls. One of my first lines recently was "The drink you just ordered is terrible" and that led to her spending the rest of the night with me and we talked. Ended with her phone number and several dates.
Bam Bam Baklava
Member
Is it insecurity to admit the truth though? I don't have much in the way of looks or personality. If it was up to me to fix my flaws I don't think I would ever be content.
Yeah, I have done this but for some reason it's making my speaking abilities worse. For instance my eye contact is getting worse and the last girl I talked to I wasn't even interested in but I stuttered a couple of times while speaking for no reason. I wouldn't be surprised if she thought I was Dustin Hoffman in the movie Rain Man by the end of it. It's crazy my lowest points seem to come from getting more and more experience if that makes sense.
I have no money for a professional. I don't even know what I'd talk about. I have some problems, but I don't know what they are. Or... I do but I see no way to fix them. It's almost like yo-yo dieting for me, haha. I make myself positive for a bit, and then something hits me and it's worse and worse every time. It's just a cycle of suck, haha.
EviLore, I don't really know what to say. It just doesn't seem that simple to me. :/ I'm not normal enough to just go and do whatever and just get it done. The thought of doing that just kind of makes me want to curl up in a corner and die. I just don't know.
Let me tell you a story...
I once met a girl online, and we went on a couple of dates. Very shy Chinese girl. She was in her mid 20's and was an accountant, but I thought it a bit odd that she was calling her dad in the middle of the date to confirm that I had not cut her up and stuffed her in my trunk.
After the first date I was pretty sure this was not going to go anywhere because she seemed actively AFRAID of me. I decided to go out again with her, but this time I wanted to understand what was going on with her, and we had a frank discussion about why she seemed so afraid of me. It turns out it wasn't me in particular she was afraid of (otherwise why would she go out with me again) but she was kind of afraid of men in general, having barely interacted with them, much less dated anyone. She told me that before she met me she had been dating some guy who suddenly stopped calling her. I asked her about how many times she had been out with him..."about 12?" (So, at once per week, that's 3 months...) Turns out she had not even so much as kissed him...no wonder he bailed out! (I bet most of you here would have bailed out long before 12 dates if it seemed she wasn't interested in kissing you!)
I ended up writing her an email a few days later (she did reply, sticking to her guns, and I never saw her again)...the advice I gave her might be helpful, so here it is:
If you believe in the traditional waiting for marriage - by all means go for it. I never intended to try to change your mind one way or another on that - if that is what you believe in, I think it is good for you to stick to your guns on that. We will have to agree to disagree, of course.
To distill my other thoughts, however...the one thing you need to do for yourself is that you need to figure out how to flirt with guys. Before you can do that, I think you need to figure out how to become more comfortable with men. In fact maybe it's too soon for you to be on a dating site - people may get the wrong idea from you if you are meeting people there...I don't know what to suggest, but surely there is something you enjoy that you can do as part of a group? Try signing up for things in your neighborhood, you might be surprised.
(BTW, you are not alone - I met one girl a few months ago who was not unlike you. She felt we didn't have any romantic chemistry, but she admitted to me that her problem is that she was also unable to talk to men...but that she found me easy to talk to for some reason.)
Until you can figure this out for yourself - it'll be very hard for you to find a guy who will stick with you long enough for you to become comfortable with him. That's why that one guy didn't stick around - he probably felt he gave you a lot of time and attention over three months, but he didn't see any response from you even though you said you did like him. You need to show him that you are interested without being too overt about it - that's what flirting is all about.
Etrian Oddity
Member
I'd like to point out I dealt with a very asexual girl who had issues in the past. It wasn't the fact she didn't want to have sex that bothered me--it was the fact she didn't want to do anything. Not even a proper frontal hug. She just wanted a really close, platonic friendship with a guy; that was the way she wanted things to go with men.
Here's the takeaway, ladies: It's okay if you're shy and need to wait, but you have to allow him some physical affection like holding you, otherwise you're just going to be an ice queen and you'll miss out on something potentially great.
Devolution
Member
What issues do you have regarding sex?
If you find it scary or the idea of the pain scary. So did I. Being so freaked didn't help that's for sure.
Find a decent enough guy who is patient and communicate with him as openly as possible and it will be fine.
Only you can motivate yourself. If you look for someone else to fix your problems you'll wait forever. It's not insecurity to "admit the truth" but that doesn't matter--what matters is what you are DOING about it?
I don't even know. On one hand, I want to just go and do it. On the other, the thought of going out and just having sex with someone makes me kind of hate myself. I don't even know why.
I don't know. I know I'm also afraid that if I managed to somehow get a guy interested enough to end up in bed with them, they'd realize I was weird/ugly/whatever has been repulsing men out about me and like, kick me out or something lol. And that would be embarrassing.
The Antitype
Banned
My penis is such a racist.
My life would be so much easier if he were attracted to any of the Asian chicks that seem way more interested in me than their caucasian counterparts.
My life would be so much easier if he were attracted to any of the Asian chicks that seem way more interested in me than their caucasian counterparts.
manipulate
Member
If it makes you feel any better, there are lots of dudes that are pretty uncomfortable with having sex with someone they haven't known for a while (myself included). I get super anxious being intimate with someone I haven't been seeing for longer than a few weeks.
Just calm down and don't even worry about sex. Find someone to hang out with, to go on dates with. Worry about becoming friends first (obviously you'd want to have some sort of physical attraction though), and then you can talk sex over with them.
You don't need to feel obligated to sleep with someone if they want to just because you're having a good time with them. Just take it easy, and if a dude can't deal with it then they're probably not the kind of guy you want to be in a relationship with anyway.
Devolution
Member
Hate yourself? Why?
I'm sure guys feel the same in regards to your second paragraph but you can't plague yourself with "what ifs" and all kinds of paranoid reasons why stuff wouldn't work out.
You have to go out on a limb, that's what relationships entail.
I don't know why. But it kind of makes me disgusted in myself.
InsertNameHere said:
Unfortunately, the only men I can seem to meet are on OKC (men who I meet in ~real life~ are grossed out by me) and OKC guys are pretty much "Let's go out and have sex!". :/
[CITATION NEEDED]
Devolution
Member
Now I'm confused. This seems like a downward spiral. Your fear of sex makes you disgusted with yourself which also fuels your paranoia about being rejected? It sounds like you have some baggage you need to let go of.
What are your hobbies? Start meeting guys IRL. OKC can be the pits.
I'll be hypocritical and say to have some confidence in yourself. You probably only assume that first bit. As for the second, not every guy on OKC is like that. Vet them to find out what kind of person they are.
That's the thing though... I don't know WHY I feel like this. I don't understand it.
EviLore and Insert, I've asked a couple of guys out before, and they all actually gave me one of those "Ew, really?" looks.
It's the old cliche she wants it to be special and memorable with a guy that gives a shit about her instead of just getting it out of her system like a flu with a one night stand. Nothing weird about it except the timing is later than most women.
Devolution
Member
Well no it's more than that.
I really really don't think this has to do with any sort of personality disorder.
Not really, haha. I liked them and we were friends, so I thought it would be easy, but the moment I did it, their entire outlook on me seemed to change and they stopped talking to me.
People who you've known for a while as friends can be the hardest people to ask out.
See: the internet and their thoughts on the "friendzone".
Almond
Member
Change what?
I should probably say I want the physical stuff just as much as anyone else, I just have zero experience. I'm not waiting for a special time. I'm not a social person. I like being alone, so my social skills aren't very good but I'm working on it.
I just want to be sure the guy actually likes me as a person and isn't just using me, or realizes how weird I am, is disgusted by be (which I still think most are), can't stand being around me, etc. I'd like to know they actually like me and aren't just putting up with me because they're lonely and desperate. Because I feel that's the only type of guy I attract, no one who actually likes me. They're just settling for me.
I hate to be lazy, but everything Leeness has said is pretty much the same for me.
Asking out a friend is always a risk. I have a great female friend and we discussed why we never dated earlier in the week -- first time we met was at a bar where we made out for a long while. We have great conversations, see each other a lot, but we don't have that type of connection. It isn't a lack of attraction, just no chemistry to push us to each other in such a way since we have been friends for over a yr now.
I mean do you want to be a woman who dates guys and has sex within the first few dates, as most would? It seems you do.
As for your assumptions of their intentions, unfortuantely, guys will want to have sex before you'll know any of this for sure. But why assume the worst of men? Sure, this may happen to you, but once you know, kick them to the kerb and move on. Having sex with someone is part of getting to know them. It's not, or shouldn't be, the end goal.
And ugly girls have scoffed at me when I've merely tried to have friendly conversation with them, but gorgeous girls have also melted...so who's right? ;b The answer is what I want it to be, and that's the only relevant one, because no one else gets to determine for me whether I'm James Bond or the President of the Brony Society or anything in between.
Your self-worth absolutely cannot be based on, not even what everyone else thinks of you, but way way beyond that to just a couple anecdotes of what a couple completely irrelevant people thought of you, while simultaneously discarding all the positive reactions you had on gaf and on okc. That's just disingenuous, but it's understandable since you're in a vulnerable emotional state right now, putting yourself out there and being judged instantly and sometimes rejected. It's scary and it can hurt, but everyone goes through it on the road to finding someone.
alex chilton
Member
So I went out with this French exchange student that I got the number of at a bar the other week. She contacted me first btw. Drank together till 4 in the morning, then went to her place and I ended up sleeping on her couch. wtf. This mean she just wants a friend cause she's new around here? Didn't even kiss, real bummer. I'm not even that into her, but damn her accent!
Well, as I was saying to MiDNiGHTS above: You cannot look for other people to validate yourself. You have to improve yourself because YOU want to improve yourself.
They won't be "settling" if you are constantly trying to improve yourself, because each day you'll be better, right?
I doubt most guys are "disgusted" by you. I don't know what you look like and, really, it doesn't matter, either, because the point is that if YOU give off the image of self-loathing, then others will pick up on that. Hell, some people PREY on that. And I'll be 100% honest: guys will put up with A LOT of "weird" if there's other factors that compensate for that. I'm fairly certain women are the same way with guys, but again this is advice tailored for your situation.
So improve yourself. Only you can, no one else can do that for you.
One last thing to realize, and I had to realize this as an ugly kid growing up: You can't avoid socializing and push people away and just EXPECT them to think positively of you because you've done nothing wrong. A positive image comes from positive reactions, and a lack of ANY personality means people assume the worst. You have to make an effort to be likeable. That's an unavoidable part of functioning in this society, and something easy to forget if you spend too much time online.
No, this is just always how I think, unfortunately.
Not quite sure what sparked this tonight, but I generally just go in and out of being nonchalant about everything and being kind of crazy and getting like this.People telling me I'm ugly validates how I think, people telling me they think I'm pretty just means they're lying to me. That's how my mind works, even though I know I shouldn't be like this.
No, this is just always how I think, unfortunately.
People telling me I'm ugly validates how I think, people telling me they think I'm pretty just means they're lying to me. That's how my mind works, even though I know I shouldn't be like this.
Don't focus on negative things. It's easier to believe in the bad, but you need to take in the good. Sounds like you have low self confidence for some reason.
I've tried it a lot. But it's kind of like yo-yo dieting to me, haha. Build up something positive, then something hits me and makes it even worse than I was before. And it just keeps going and going and going. And here we are. Haha.
Almond
Member
In February of this year I have started to improve myself. I've been eating better,being more active and lost weight, and been working on my social skills. It's been a very tiny improvement. I try to be as polite as I can. I just seem to get ignored all the time. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do to be likable.
No guys ever ask me out or make an attempt to talk to me, but that's probably my fault. I never notice anyone looking at me, unless it's some confused/offended face. I guess that's why I feel that way.
Well, let me be 100% blunt:
Do you want to be liked or do you want to be more sexually attractive?
They are not the same thing, and can even at times be mutually exclusive.
I was like this for a while but then finally said screw it. I was happy with myself and stopped letting stupid little things bother me. If someone is shallow enough to brush a person off for some little flaw -- or whatever they view it be -- then they aren't worth it.
Hold on to the compliments because those are the truth.
Well when you were heavy and ignored romantically all your life, that's tough to get over even when you're no longer heavy or ignored now. You become insecure and hypercritical of yourself and every negative reaction, as leeness said, is a validation of those insecurities and another reason to give up, because the positive outlook is so difficult and fragile and anxiety can take over at a moment's notice.
Can be tough to work through, keep trying and choose courage over fear whenever you can, and do therapy if possible, which is not an easy thing to hear but it's there for a reason.
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