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Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
- Thread starter Bagels
- Start date
- Status
Any of you guys have experiences with shrink?
Are they truly useful?
I feel like I need one right now.
My low self-esteem and the fact that I am overly stressed are killing me. It started having a strong influence on my apetite, to the point that I barely eat and my sleep too.
I'm in a relationship right now, with a girl I'm confident to say for the first time, I love.
My jealousy, which is in part due to some guy she had a crush on (and so did he apparently) that she is still talking to, is putting a heavy burden on my relationship.
Every damn second of every damn day I think she's gonna leave me for him because he is better and I'm not that interesting. Even when I have no reason at all to think about it.
I need this relationship to work so I'm considering going to a shrink to work on my self esteem, the stress and my jealousy.
But I've never went to one and it's kind of scary...
Are they truly useful?
I feel like I need one right now.
My low self-esteem and the fact that I am overly stressed are killing me. It started having a strong influence on my apetite, to the point that I barely eat and my sleep too.
I'm in a relationship right now, with a girl I'm confident to say for the first time, I love.
My jealousy, which is in part due to some guy she had a crush on (and so did he apparently) that she is still talking to, is putting a heavy burden on my relationship.
Every damn second of every damn day I think she's gonna leave me for him because he is better and I'm not that interesting. Even when I have no reason at all to think about it.
I need this relationship to work so I'm considering going to a shrink to work on my self esteem, the stress and my jealousy.
But I've never went to one and it's kind of scary...
Can I take back every nice thing I've ever said to you? I will fight you.
WHAT? In my book, the only way to eat a hotdog is if has ketchup. Seriously guys, you are crazy
Also, I may be able to speak on mumble tonight, if you don't mind listening to me of course.
ClassyPenguin
Banned
Not possible.
hahaha
Great idea. Love me some spicy mustard.
It'll only even slightly work if you feel that you need it. If you feel you don't need it, it probably won't work. Have you considered just talking to someone about your concerns and getting a different viewpoint?
Not really. I don't know to whom I could speak about that...
Talk to me, dude. Hit me up in PM.
Plenty of people here have experience getting professional help. The OP goes into it a bit, but a "shrink" can be either a psychiatrist (a medical doctor who specializes in mental illness), or a psychologist (a person with advanced training in human psychology), or the more nebulous "therapist," which can be either. The US has moved towards a model where psychiatrists generally specialize in medications and psychologists do talk therapies. The division isn't quite that clear, but that's the model things are moving towards. At the same time, more and more family docs/GPs are comfortable prescribing basic psych meds.
I always advocate seeing some kind of medical doctor early on, as there are all sorts of (treatable) things that can cause depression and anxiety. There are also plenty of things that can mimic some of the general symptoms - like your low appetite - so it's always good to just make sure everything is generally okay. Therapy isn't going to make your thyroid work right.
You'll also want to talk through the whole medication question, if that's something you and your doctor think might help.
Generally, it sounds like you'd be looking for a psychologist to work through some of these issues with. I'm all for finding people in your life you can talk to - I lean really heavily on my family and friends - but there's something nice about seeing someone divorced from all that, in a professional context. Sometimes things are actually easier to sort out if you can get a little emotional distance from them. It's always easier to see the solutions to OTHER peoples problems, right?
Good luck! And there's always the thread, chat, the people to contact in the OP.
I am also pro ketchup on hotdogs, sorry guys but you are wrong.
I bet you also put maple syrup on your hot dogs you heathen. ; )
WHAT? In my book, the only way to eat a hotdog is if has ketchup. Seriously guys, you are crazy
Also, I may be able to speak on mumble tonight, if you don't mind listening to me of course.
I am also pro ketchup on hotdogs, sorry guys but you are wrong.
I'm going to lose mys shit for real. 90% of the chat and mumble seems to be people intentionally pissing me off/making fun of me. It's bullshit (it's pretty great).
I was going to add, in my last post, another little manifesto for mental-health GAF. We've had some people in chat lately who have mentioned how helpful they've found the community, particularly becoming part of the chat illuminati. That's super gratifying to hear, because I really love he folks who hang out in chat and I find it tremendously helpful. I think the key point is that the resources we have in this community - the ways of interacting with other people who are compassionate, understanding, and helpful - PMs, the thread, steam, chat, voice chat - are all available to everybody. Some of us are obviously very tight-knit already, but we have folks who have been in chat for a month or less who are already kind of fixtures of that whole thing. It's meant to be very welcoming and open, despite the "inner circle" vibe it can give off.
What has always been true in here, even before we had the chat up, is that the people who seem to be getting the most help are the ones who make use of all the different ways we have of interacting. It's nice to hear that people like ClassyPenguin, listed in the OP, do get PMs from people; people like Fiction and Oomi are taken up on their offers to talk to people, etc. Things link back to the thread, and I hope it doesn't feel neglected, but there are few problems that don't benefit from more real-time discussion/not everything is suitable for public discussion/some people just can't talk in the thread much for various reasons.
So make use of the things on offer. Chat gets busiest in the US evening hours (it's going all day, though), and you can get linked to our mumble (voice chat) server if you want to wade into those waters. Here's my 3 part guide to using our text and voice chat thingies:
1) Most importantly, just don't be a dick. These are things that people have been kind enough to set up and run for us. Please don't make them regret that.
2) Chat tends to be quite silly. It's 75% friends shooting the shit and trying to laugh and feel better, 25% discussion of mental health issues. Serious discussion is always welcome, but it actually works better if you come in some time and just joke around with us when things are going okay. People are way more willing to go into your issues in depth if you've earned some good will.
The voice chat ("mumble") is 99% lunacy. We've had serious discussions, or discussed serious topics, but it's admittedly kinda rare. It's just...not really for that? Laughter (and humbugs sharing grindcore videos) is the highest calling in mumble.
3) So the basic idea is that people post in the thread, find some helpful folks, hopefully, and become part of the community. Chat and mumble is sort of where people make the leap from "community members" to "friends." I'll call out jb1234 as someone who hasn't been around that long but has become an incredible, trusted friend to me (and the rest of the usual chat gang). Love that guy so much! If you dig the vibe in chat (and not everyone will), it's an amazing leap to make. It's this awesome little family (with lots of members with sexy accents, which makes me uncomfortable about the family analogy) that's (I hope) surprisingly easy to find yourself stuck with if you're a decent, funny person.
I talk too much - here, there, and everywhere.
(please don't make fun of my voice kthx)
Darkmakaimura
Can You Imagine What SureAI Is Going To Do With Garfield?
Dog is back from the vets today. She was on intravenous fluid therapy because she more than likely has HGE. I'm still really worried about her but the doctor thinks she'll be alright and recommended to just take her home today.
For anyone interested I made a separate thread about my dog here a few days ago: http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=629366
For anyone interested I made a separate thread about my dog here a few days ago: http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=629366
Lionheart1827
Member
A real hotdog does not have ketchup, you put mustard on it. I use this:
Glad your dog is doing better.
Love you too, Bagels.
A friend took a picture of me today hard at work which sums me up pretty accurately. It's missing the parts where I wave my pencil threateningly at the piano and also the screaming and cursing but hey, you take what you get. I'm still irked at my friends but I've decided that I'm going to write so much shit that there's no way I won't be noticed. I WILL BE THE UNSHEATHED SWORD! COME AT ME, BRO! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Darkmakaimura
Can You Imagine What SureAI Is Going To Do With Garfield?
Aw damn, so sorry to hear this. There's a lot of great people in this thread if you need to talk. Don't forget the chat too.I'm sad.. My mom died
Again, my condolences.
Darkmakaimura
Can You Imagine What SureAI Is Going To Do With Garfield?
Yup, I just love trying to help someone and then getting badgered as a result. FML.
Collete
Member
I won't lie...I'm feeling the exact fucking thing right now...
What happened to moving to the west like you wanted to? So you can say you did something, remember?
That will be a big fail so why even try. Why try when i am a loser and failure. isnt it best to die than to repeat failure. im already old and alone and pathetic.
Collete
Member
You're not that old. You're still relatively young for your age. You try so you can at least try to change your life. If it doesn't work, then maybe, just maybe your feelings are justified. But right now you have potential to move to the west. Whether failure or not, you can say to us you did something. You need a change of pace from your current location anyways. Might as well try, you have nothing to lose at this point.
i am way past the age of people having families buying homes and settling down. i am a failure at life.
i dont drink. Why drink? why do anything? When i am dead i dont have to feel anything anymore.
Thats too bad man. I figure distractions are better than the misery you feel now. Thus mighty alcohol and endless fiction to console my loneliness. It works surprisingly well. Im even talking about it and dont feel like shit. Try it.
Darkmakaimura
Can You Imagine What SureAI Is Going To Do With Garfield?
Not going to lie but yeah self-medicating just seems like the best solution a lot of the times. Horrible thing for me to say, but that's how I feel about it. I'd probably be at a mental hospital already if I couldn't.
I was able to get out last night and hang with my friend whose birthday it was. He turned 40 yesterday and he was glad I showed. We had a decent time downtown. I got pretty drunk really quick. Had my picture taken with Master Chief and a red Spartan at the Fremont Street Experience. I wish I could post a pic of it but I never post pics of myself. I was so drunk I kept going on and on about Halo with them. lol. Thing is, it still didn't feel right because of my dog being in the hospital but I kept telling myself she's in good hands right now.
Overall, I just feel horribly depressed and very lonely. I feel so bad about the dog it makes me want to cry. I'm getting badgered by the person here even though I'm trying to help them out.
What's the point? I'll go to bed alone wake up alone and when i go out, i see couples everywhere. If i die why cant that be a good thing?
Lionheart1827
Member
I'm sad.. My mom died
Shit, I'm really sorry to hear that. I hope she went pain-free. *hugs*
This is one of my worst fears.
Well you are just in a low place right now so there is no light to be seen. Ive been there. Best advice for that is to go to sleep. Start the next day, and take my advice before you get too low. Btw how old are you?
I'm over 40. and i wont feel any different tomorrow.
Collete
Member
If that's the case, you have nothing to lose by moving, you have nothing to lose at all.
Also:
Bagels, post more. It'll be embarrassing if I'm the top of it and all I do is complain and stuff.
Nebula Haze
Banned
Never posted here before but I've got pretty serious depression and anxiety issues along with a case of chronic insomnia (which I have medication for... though I try to sleep naturally). Doctor wanted to put me on an SNRI but I don't want anything that can muddle my brain. Ironically I self-medicate with marijuana for my issues.
Really upset right now. Just got back to Hong Kong from NYC last night (after being away almost a month) and tonight my girlfriend wants to go out without me to be with her friends. I'm crazy jetlagged and having really bad anxiety and I need her to be with me, but when I bring up the issue she takes it as a personal affront, like I'm trying to stifle her independence. Makes me really feel unwanted, to the point where I'm crying and rambling on this post right now. Don't know what to do.
Really upset right now. Just got back to Hong Kong from NYC last night (after being away almost a month) and tonight my girlfriend wants to go out without me to be with her friends. I'm crazy jetlagged and having really bad anxiety and I need her to be with me, but when I bring up the issue she takes it as a personal affront, like I'm trying to stifle her independence. Makes me really feel unwanted, to the point where I'm crying and rambling on this post right now. Don't know what to do.
Darkmakaimura
Can You Imagine What SureAI Is Going To Do With Garfield?
Didn't realize I was so active in this thread.If that's the case, you have nothing to lose by moving, you have nothing to lose at all.
Also:
Bagels, post more. It'll be embarrassing if I'm the top of it and all I do is complain and stuff.
ClassyPenguin
Banned
Bagels. Ketchup & hot dogs. Tolkien.
No. No. you have not.
You can try some breathing exercises. Like right now. If it feels silly, all the better!
I don't know what your girlfriend is playing at, if she knows about your depression, but even without, considering you've just come back, it's not the done thing, to be going out with friends, or planning to.
Maybe it's something important with her friends, or she just needs a breather after a tough week at work or something.
All the same, we should control only the things within our remit, namely us. Get used to your own company, and actually liking it. Try self aware mediation, where we just focus on the different parts of us, in a calm and tranquil environment.
Nebula Haze
Banned
Thanks for the advice. Is there a breathing exercise you recommend?
She says that it's because this other friend of hers is leaving in a month and she wants to spend time with her, whereas I will be around for much longer (which is also silly because that friend is coming over for this big dinner she has planned tomorrow). But if she can't be with me in these 3 or 4 days when I need her most then I don't know how much longer we're going to last. I feel like I'm being taken for granted.
She says that it's because this other friend of hers is leaving in a month and she wants to spend time with her, whereas I will be around for much longer (which is also silly because that friend is coming over for this big dinner she has planned tomorrow). But if she can't be with me in these 3 or 4 days when I need her most then I don't know how much longer we're going to last. I feel like I'm being taken for granted.
Nebula Haze
Banned
Also she knows about all of my issues. I even took her with me to the psychiatrist one time.
Wow this sure puts simply what I feel a lot of the time. Damn.
Basically feeling disconnected from the world and not knowing, or sometimes even wanting, to take part in it.
Cross posting this as it seems more relevant here. Maybe some discussion as well.
I don't have anything to gain either. I'll be a frustrated loser that will suffer even more for nothing. There should be something in place that when a person turns 18 they can commit suicide if they wish to. That would have helped me a lot
Fudgepuppy
Banned
I just need to write this down. I'm warning you, because it's a wall of text.
So first let me tell you about me. I've suffered from really low self-esteem and general anxiety and depression. My therapist prescribed Citalopram for me a couple of years ago since I according to her, had a minor case of what could be considered bipolar. Either I was fucking happy for 8 months with no troubles or sadness, or I would be smacked down by the smallest issue to the point where I lost perception of surviving the future, only lying in my bed in a catatonic state. Since it was a couple of years ago since I got those pills, I decided a week ago that it was time to take the training wheels off. Why was because I used to break down over the smallest of problems because I simply wasn't experienced enough. Today I feel more confident and secure with my being, or so I thought.
That's the framework for this event. Everything that transpires in the following text is probably because of my low self-esteem, because of my constant need to feel needed, because I never feel wanted.
So it all started a month ago. A girl at our company sent an e-mail asking for a place to crash for a couple of days while she visited. I had the house to myself and thought there could be no harm in meeting someone knew. So she stays at my place for a week, and I'm the best fucking host, ever. The things I did for her include:
- Making food.
- Driving her everywhere, on my bike. I would come and pick her up while she was hungover after her shift and let her ride my bike all the way home.
- I bought liquor for her. She was working, I had the day off, she needed liquor so I bought it for her.
- I made sure she got a car-ride from the airport to my place, to which I greeted her with a barbeque and potato-sallad (my friend was there too so it was pretty casual).
- Every evening we would be watching movies together, while I was making honey-tea, popcorn, huge pints of water with ice in them for her, which was especially appreciated those days when she was hungover or sick (she's got epilepsy and faints easily so I made sure she felt alright).
I would like to point out that I did not in any way expect anything in return, because I just love being a good guy to other people. I even decided before she got there that I wasn't going to make any moves on her since that could make her feel incredibly uncomfortable, being all alone in a city where she knows no one but me. It did leave a lot of people asking why I didn't even get a ”Courtesy BJ”, but I couldn't care less.
So she stays at my place for more than a week, and we have a great time, we become really good friends and talk a lot, all open and shit. She even starts talking about moving here because she's sick of her city, which all of us agree with. A couple of days later, I get a text where she's exuberant that she got this week off so she could come and visit us and also go to the festival that's located in town. I get happy. I ask her where she's going to stay, she says she doesn't know, I get a little bit sad because I kind of wanted to feel needed again, but I push the feelings away as I know it's immature of me to think that way. She tells me she's thinking about staying at my friends cabin for a couple of days, where we were all apparently going to have a big party with saunas and skinny-dipping. I call my friend and ask if I'm invited, and he tells me that I'm of course invited, because we are best friends.
This friend I'm talking about, is basically the stem of this story so remember him.
So we're at the cabin, she arrives, I give her a drunken bear-hug and she looks happy. We eat, sing and talk. A guy from work who constantly badgers that I didn't fuck her, gives me the stink-eye. He starts to send me texts where he's basically ordering me to put my moves on her. I'm slightly drunk, and so is she, so I say ”What the hell”. So I start holding her, stroking her, kiss her on the cheek, smell her hair, I say it smells like cinnamon. She laughs, smiles, goes along with it. Then we go to the sauna, where she lies in my lap while I stroke her arms and shoulders. I can't say for sure she really wanted all this, since I basically ”forced” her to, but since she did it numerous times, and also sitting next to me out of free will, It didn't feel like I forced her into doing something she didn't want to.
The night goes on, we skinny-dip after the sauna, barbeque with marshmallows and campfire-songs. We then go inside, I sit next to her, she goes to the bathroom a couple of minutes later, she comes back, and sits down next to my friend, he puts his arm around her, and she gets cozy. She goes away to get her toothbrush, I tell my friend that I had been trying to get with her all night, but that it now seems like I've lost. ”Oh... okay, well you're my best friend and I want you to call me and talk to me when you feel like shit”, he replies. He could obviously see I was sad and pretty down. I go outside to take a piss and gather my thoughts, I get inside, realize that both of them are gone. I go upstairs to sleep, and realize all doors are open to empty rooms, but one door, leading to a room with a kingsize bed and a small bed. I go to bed in the empty room across the room they are sleeping in, feeling empty, lying on the shanty and creaky bed without any comforters, freezing my toes off.
I can't sleep, so I get up early, start to clean up the mess, picking up cans and bottles, trying to yet again make myself feel needed, since I obviously can't feel wanted.
One by one people get out of the house to lie hungover in the grass, all but the girl and my friend. I ride with three others to the store to get some food. We get back, and they're both out lying on the grass next to each other. It's all coming back to me, all the paralyzing anxiety and self-loathing that I've been pushing away for years. I get away from the cabin as quickly as possible after I've given both of them a pretty cold and distant goodbye. I blame it on the hangover and lack of sleep. I get home, hang out with a friend and we talk. As always, I realize it's probably just me being a drama-queen. If they really liked each other and she just played along with my moves, then I'm the asshole if I'm going to stand in their way because ”I called dibs first”.
I start to feel better, until I see my friend upload a picture on Instagram of his apartment. He told me he was going to stay in the cabin for the rest of the week. I text him, no answer, which is typical with my friend. So I ask her if he went back to his apartment, she replies yes. I freeze. I quickly realize she's got nowhere else to stay at the moment, and that his apartment is the size of a king-size bed with one in it. I almost faint, trying to escape. I'm running around the house trying to find a solution. I decide I don't want to hang myself, because my family would be too devastated. I find a bunch of sleeping-pills. I google and see that you can't overdose since they are antihistamines, so I take four of them. I call my other friend, half-asleep, half-crying, trying to get a grip of something of this world. He comforts me and makes me feel better.
I wake up the day after, I feel much better, besides from my legs being pretty shaky from the sleeping-pills. I realize I have no liquor at home, and I need to get some for the festival. I call my mom, but she can't give me a ride, so I call my friend. I thought I needed to confront this so I can realize I was just overreacting. I get a text that ”We are on the town, call you for pick-up later”. My heart jumps when I read ”we”, but I push it away, because it's all just me being a drama-queen.
They arrive, I see her face in the passenger-seat, and it hurts so much. We get to the store, where I take all the routes I can to avoid them. We take the car home, as I'm sitting in the backseat, the tears start coming, but I cover them with my hand. They don't notice. They ask me if I need help unloading the alcohol, ”Well, sure, if you want to...”. We get to the porch, I tell them to leave it on the ground, that I'm fine.
Normally, we always hug each other when saying goodbye, I quickly evade by going into my house. My friend asks me ”So, we'll see each other at the festival?”, ”Yes, probably, I guess. Bye”. I close the door and run for the kitchen, I drop the beer on the table, and then crash with my head into my palms, tears flowing down my face.
I know I shouldn't feel this bad over something so small, I should be stronger than this, but I'm not. It broke me, and now I feel empty, I feel like crying all the time. I'm at work, imagining them at the carnival, doing all the things together I feel like I for once deserve. I imagine them kissing, and my gag reflex kicks in to the point where I'm afraid someone will come and scold me for ”coming in hungover”.
I don't know what to do, I'm trying to take this like a traditional rejection, but it just feels so much deeper. It's a combination of everything. Of how much my friend can be an asshole at times, how lonely I feel, how unwanted I feel, how selfish I feel for wanting her to only need me, but first and foremost for how much of an immature child I feel like.
What do I do, because as it is right now, with every step I take towards trying to fix this, I get a sharp pain in my heart. I just thought I saw my friend come through the door, and my heart stopped. I can't go on like this for much longer, especially since I wont go to the festival by myself this weekend.
Sorry for wall of text, but I needed to write this off my chest. :/
So first let me tell you about me. I've suffered from really low self-esteem and general anxiety and depression. My therapist prescribed Citalopram for me a couple of years ago since I according to her, had a minor case of what could be considered bipolar. Either I was fucking happy for 8 months with no troubles or sadness, or I would be smacked down by the smallest issue to the point where I lost perception of surviving the future, only lying in my bed in a catatonic state. Since it was a couple of years ago since I got those pills, I decided a week ago that it was time to take the training wheels off. Why was because I used to break down over the smallest of problems because I simply wasn't experienced enough. Today I feel more confident and secure with my being, or so I thought.
That's the framework for this event. Everything that transpires in the following text is probably because of my low self-esteem, because of my constant need to feel needed, because I never feel wanted.
So it all started a month ago. A girl at our company sent an e-mail asking for a place to crash for a couple of days while she visited. I had the house to myself and thought there could be no harm in meeting someone knew. So she stays at my place for a week, and I'm the best fucking host, ever. The things I did for her include:
- Making food.
- Driving her everywhere, on my bike. I would come and pick her up while she was hungover after her shift and let her ride my bike all the way home.
- I bought liquor for her. She was working, I had the day off, she needed liquor so I bought it for her.
- I made sure she got a car-ride from the airport to my place, to which I greeted her with a barbeque and potato-sallad (my friend was there too so it was pretty casual).
- Every evening we would be watching movies together, while I was making honey-tea, popcorn, huge pints of water with ice in them for her, which was especially appreciated those days when she was hungover or sick (she's got epilepsy and faints easily so I made sure she felt alright).
I would like to point out that I did not in any way expect anything in return, because I just love being a good guy to other people. I even decided before she got there that I wasn't going to make any moves on her since that could make her feel incredibly uncomfortable, being all alone in a city where she knows no one but me. It did leave a lot of people asking why I didn't even get a ”Courtesy BJ”, but I couldn't care less.
So she stays at my place for more than a week, and we have a great time, we become really good friends and talk a lot, all open and shit. She even starts talking about moving here because she's sick of her city, which all of us agree with. A couple of days later, I get a text where she's exuberant that she got this week off so she could come and visit us and also go to the festival that's located in town. I get happy. I ask her where she's going to stay, she says she doesn't know, I get a little bit sad because I kind of wanted to feel needed again, but I push the feelings away as I know it's immature of me to think that way. She tells me she's thinking about staying at my friends cabin for a couple of days, where we were all apparently going to have a big party with saunas and skinny-dipping. I call my friend and ask if I'm invited, and he tells me that I'm of course invited, because we are best friends.
This friend I'm talking about, is basically the stem of this story so remember him.
So we're at the cabin, she arrives, I give her a drunken bear-hug and she looks happy. We eat, sing and talk. A guy from work who constantly badgers that I didn't fuck her, gives me the stink-eye. He starts to send me texts where he's basically ordering me to put my moves on her. I'm slightly drunk, and so is she, so I say ”What the hell”. So I start holding her, stroking her, kiss her on the cheek, smell her hair, I say it smells like cinnamon. She laughs, smiles, goes along with it. Then we go to the sauna, where she lies in my lap while I stroke her arms and shoulders. I can't say for sure she really wanted all this, since I basically ”forced” her to, but since she did it numerous times, and also sitting next to me out of free will, It didn't feel like I forced her into doing something she didn't want to.
The night goes on, we skinny-dip after the sauna, barbeque with marshmallows and campfire-songs. We then go inside, I sit next to her, she goes to the bathroom a couple of minutes later, she comes back, and sits down next to my friend, he puts his arm around her, and she gets cozy. She goes away to get her toothbrush, I tell my friend that I had been trying to get with her all night, but that it now seems like I've lost. ”Oh... okay, well you're my best friend and I want you to call me and talk to me when you feel like shit”, he replies. He could obviously see I was sad and pretty down. I go outside to take a piss and gather my thoughts, I get inside, realize that both of them are gone. I go upstairs to sleep, and realize all doors are open to empty rooms, but one door, leading to a room with a kingsize bed and a small bed. I go to bed in the empty room across the room they are sleeping in, feeling empty, lying on the shanty and creaky bed without any comforters, freezing my toes off.
I can't sleep, so I get up early, start to clean up the mess, picking up cans and bottles, trying to yet again make myself feel needed, since I obviously can't feel wanted.
One by one people get out of the house to lie hungover in the grass, all but the girl and my friend. I ride with three others to the store to get some food. We get back, and they're both out lying on the grass next to each other. It's all coming back to me, all the paralyzing anxiety and self-loathing that I've been pushing away for years. I get away from the cabin as quickly as possible after I've given both of them a pretty cold and distant goodbye. I blame it on the hangover and lack of sleep. I get home, hang out with a friend and we talk. As always, I realize it's probably just me being a drama-queen. If they really liked each other and she just played along with my moves, then I'm the asshole if I'm going to stand in their way because ”I called dibs first”.
I start to feel better, until I see my friend upload a picture on Instagram of his apartment. He told me he was going to stay in the cabin for the rest of the week. I text him, no answer, which is typical with my friend. So I ask her if he went back to his apartment, she replies yes. I freeze. I quickly realize she's got nowhere else to stay at the moment, and that his apartment is the size of a king-size bed with one in it. I almost faint, trying to escape. I'm running around the house trying to find a solution. I decide I don't want to hang myself, because my family would be too devastated. I find a bunch of sleeping-pills. I google and see that you can't overdose since they are antihistamines, so I take four of them. I call my other friend, half-asleep, half-crying, trying to get a grip of something of this world. He comforts me and makes me feel better.
I wake up the day after, I feel much better, besides from my legs being pretty shaky from the sleeping-pills. I realize I have no liquor at home, and I need to get some for the festival. I call my mom, but she can't give me a ride, so I call my friend. I thought I needed to confront this so I can realize I was just overreacting. I get a text that ”We are on the town, call you for pick-up later”. My heart jumps when I read ”we”, but I push it away, because it's all just me being a drama-queen.
They arrive, I see her face in the passenger-seat, and it hurts so much. We get to the store, where I take all the routes I can to avoid them. We take the car home, as I'm sitting in the backseat, the tears start coming, but I cover them with my hand. They don't notice. They ask me if I need help unloading the alcohol, ”Well, sure, if you want to...”. We get to the porch, I tell them to leave it on the ground, that I'm fine.
Normally, we always hug each other when saying goodbye, I quickly evade by going into my house. My friend asks me ”So, we'll see each other at the festival?”, ”Yes, probably, I guess. Bye”. I close the door and run for the kitchen, I drop the beer on the table, and then crash with my head into my palms, tears flowing down my face.
I know I shouldn't feel this bad over something so small, I should be stronger than this, but I'm not. It broke me, and now I feel empty, I feel like crying all the time. I'm at work, imagining them at the carnival, doing all the things together I feel like I for once deserve. I imagine them kissing, and my gag reflex kicks in to the point where I'm afraid someone will come and scold me for ”coming in hungover”.
I don't know what to do, I'm trying to take this like a traditional rejection, but it just feels so much deeper. It's a combination of everything. Of how much my friend can be an asshole at times, how lonely I feel, how unwanted I feel, how selfish I feel for wanting her to only need me, but first and foremost for how much of an immature child I feel like.
What do I do, because as it is right now, with every step I take towards trying to fix this, I get a sharp pain in my heart. I just thought I saw my friend come through the door, and my heart stopped. I can't go on like this for much longer, especially since I wont go to the festival by myself this weekend.
Sorry for wall of text, but I needed to write this off my chest. :/
Been feeling like shit every single day for the last week. Fatigued, headaches, nausea, stomach issues. Don't really think I should feel good though, my diet, lifestyle should I even feel good in the first place? I probably need to start taking my BP meds again at the least, sigh... really hate the side effects though.
I haven't been too depressed lately, suicidal ideation has been down, but I still kinda want to fall asleep and never wake up, coma etc. . . same old horseshit.
Edit: just realized I've been outta Amitriptyline for a while, no refills left, would have to get incontact with my nuerologist. Am I experiencing withdrawal symptoms possibly then? Shit, figures. . .
I haven't been too depressed lately, suicidal ideation has been down, but I still kinda want to fall asleep and never wake up, coma etc. . . same old horseshit.
Edit: just realized I've been outta Amitriptyline for a while, no refills left, would have to get incontact with my nuerologist. Am I experiencing withdrawal symptoms possibly then? Shit, figures. . .
Fudgepuppy, I want to respond to you soon, I just don't know quite how yet.
One of the biggest issues I see Us Anxiety Sufferers™ having is balancing our own needs with others around us. It's easy to imagine being taken advantage of, or for granted, like you're feeling currently. Often it's probably not even true, but me saying that will not help one iota. I think it's something you have to realise for yourself. Depending on how long you've been in this relationship, you're probably going to have to come to terms with the fact that your partner needs time to be with herself or with her friends. It doesn't necessarily mean she means it as a personal affront, not at all. Sometimes people just need space.
I think the only thing you can do is just make sure she knows how much you need her right now. You don't need to turn it into something passive aggressive, just ensure that she understands what it is you're feeling and why you want her around. If you really love each other, she should get the message, and if she still feels like she needs her own time and her own space to be with friends, then the onus is on you to either accept that, and respect her individual nature, or you don't, and you end up feeling miserable about it. Which I'm sure neither of you want!
Lastly, if you do have to spend some time without her, perhaps you can use that time in an unusual, maybe fun, maybe productive way that you wouldn't be able to otherwise. I.. can't offer any actual suggestions, but maybe someone can! This probably doesn't help at all with your desire to feel wanted, but being without her doesn't mean the end of your relationship, not at all.
Side question ; I'm guessing your girlfriend wasn't with you in New York? Perhaps she is still having to adjust to you being back with her.
One of the biggest issues I see Us Anxiety Sufferers™ having is balancing our own needs with others around us. It's easy to imagine being taken advantage of, or for granted, like you're feeling currently. Often it's probably not even true, but me saying that will not help one iota. I think it's something you have to realise for yourself. Depending on how long you've been in this relationship, you're probably going to have to come to terms with the fact that your partner needs time to be with herself or with her friends. It doesn't necessarily mean she means it as a personal affront, not at all. Sometimes people just need space.
I think the only thing you can do is just make sure she knows how much you need her right now. You don't need to turn it into something passive aggressive, just ensure that she understands what it is you're feeling and why you want her around. If you really love each other, she should get the message, and if she still feels like she needs her own time and her own space to be with friends, then the onus is on you to either accept that, and respect her individual nature, or you don't, and you end up feeling miserable about it. Which I'm sure neither of you want!
Lastly, if you do have to spend some time without her, perhaps you can use that time in an unusual, maybe fun, maybe productive way that you wouldn't be able to otherwise. I.. can't offer any actual suggestions, but maybe someone can! This probably doesn't help at all with your desire to feel wanted, but being without her doesn't mean the end of your relationship, not at all.
Side question ; I'm guessing your girlfriend wasn't with you in New York? Perhaps she is still having to adjust to you being back with her.
Lol just edged my way into the top 10, senior year of HS all over again.
Also sensitivity to rejection, wish I could get past the mental barriers that make me so terrified of rejection in the first place. Can't get rejected if you don't put yourself out there, so I wish I even had the courage to get rejected in the first place. So I'd say your're doing something right by putting yourself out there, making yourself vulnerable in the first, I can respect that man. More than I fucking do.
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