ThoseDeafMutes
Member
As somebody still at university, this is a completely alien concept.
Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
- Thread starter Bagels
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As somebody still at university, this is a completely alien concept.
Talked to my mom on the phone. My conversations with her have been getting increasingly unhinged over the last few months. Sensing that I've basically given up, she practically begged me to stay alive, for her benefit. "You kids are all I have! I can't bear the thought of losing you!"
I was unmoved, actually really angry. There's something incredibly puerile about the whole situation, how people are so desperate to maintain their own equilibrium. I can't decide who's being more selfish here. I was seeing blood red, had to get out of the apartment, it felt like the walls were closing in around me.
Outside, I smelled gasoline, fresh grass, humidity. People were walking down the street, talking, laughing, smiling. Oblivious to me, who was just standing there in the middle of the street, looking up at the sun. Cars kept moving. Construction workers kept building. Trees kept swaying in the breeze. It was all so reinforced, how no matter where we're at in our lives, how we're feeling, the universe doesn't stop for us. I am one man and it doesn't care.
Went back inside, pulled out the DS and played Dragon Quest IV for two hours. There's a certain monotony in the grinding, one monster down, two, five, several dozen. It doesn't stop the feelings but at least it pushes them aside, for a time. In the game, I can be someone else. How I wish I could be someone else.
I was unmoved, actually really angry. There's something incredibly puerile about the whole situation, how people are so desperate to maintain their own equilibrium. I can't decide who's being more selfish here. I was seeing blood red, had to get out of the apartment, it felt like the walls were closing in around me.
Outside, I smelled gasoline, fresh grass, humidity. People were walking down the street, talking, laughing, smiling. Oblivious to me, who was just standing there in the middle of the street, looking up at the sun. Cars kept moving. Construction workers kept building. Trees kept swaying in the breeze. It was all so reinforced, how no matter where we're at in our lives, how we're feeling, the universe doesn't stop for us. I am one man and it doesn't care.
Went back inside, pulled out the DS and played Dragon Quest IV for two hours. There's a certain monotony in the grinding, one monster down, two, five, several dozen. It doesn't stop the feelings but at least it pushes them aside, for a time. In the game, I can be someone else. How I wish I could be someone else.
Femmeworth
Banned
Even if it does get better, I'm not going to find out. I have a grandmother dying, so it would be a bad thing if I was still drugged out during the funeral.
I can be rather slow.
This is a random thought. Is anyone interested in a DepressionGAF book club? I just got back into reading and I want to share!
Oh man, yeah!
My five things, sorry I am late:
1. Family. My kids, my sister and brothers, my mom and pa.
2. Fandom. Fanfiction, vidding, squee. I know it's weird, but fandom has saved my life so many times, y'all, it's ridiculous.
3. Food. I know I don't seem like it with as little as I eat, but I love to eat good food.
4. Friends. Mostly you guys. Since I have no friends in real life that I can interact with on a constant basis (yet). You know who you are.
5. My dogs. I know, I couldn't think of another FWhen I'm sad or lonely, my Badger will refuse to leave my side, and that's amazing. This tiny little creature loves me with everything he is.
You didn't use my name, but I'll take it.
OK, here's my own edited version of Bags' latest list:
Dulce de leche - the best thing ever invented:
Potato chips - especially the ham ones and Pringles. I've downed almost a whole tube of the latter while typing this (and also while I watched my sister try to park the truck in Euro Truck Simulator 2, only to fail terribly.)
A nice rainy day - I personally think that saying both "nice" and "rainy" is redundant, because the latter implies the former. I love me some spectacular thunderstorms and pouring rains, and I'd be glad with only seeing the sun once or twice per century.
Video games - especially Duke Nukem 3D, F.E.A.R. or Max Payne (the GREATEST GAMES OF ALL TIME!)
Friendship - through the good times and the bad times, my true friends always stuck with me. We may have fought a few times, but in the end we realized we were just acting stupid (they were, of course; I'm always right). They'll probably never read this, but I'll never be able to express with words how much I appreciate them (not gonna say "love" because I am a little afraid that they may end up reading this after all, lol.)
A great book - even though I haven't read anything in a long time. I'd like to go back to that hobby. There are lots of Isaac Asimov books I haven't read yet, for starters.
Blueberries + Tea = blueberry tea. Delicious mixture!
Bags (the guy) + everyone else on DepGAF/MentalHealthGAF - I love you guys, and you are more kind and helpful than you could ever imagine.
Music - what can I say? I can't begin to count the number of times I was feeling like shit, thinking that there was no reason to keep living, and then a great song started playing on my phone, giving me the strength to hold on and keep going, and letting me know that things weren't as bad as I believed they were. Music is the best thing ever invented (right next to dulce de leche), and you should feel TERRIBLE if you don't like listening to anything (not really, but you totally should!). Seriously, listen to this, just listen to this: "Sometimes" - Fleetwood Mac. So. Good.
Dulce de leche - the best thing ever invented:
Potato chips - especially the ham ones and Pringles. I've downed almost a whole tube of the latter while typing this (and also while I watched my sister try to park the truck in Euro Truck Simulator 2, only to fail terribly.)
A nice rainy day - I personally think that saying both "nice" and "rainy" is redundant, because the latter implies the former. I love me some spectacular thunderstorms and pouring rains, and I'd be glad with only seeing the sun once or twice per century.
Video games - especially Duke Nukem 3D, F.E.A.R. or Max Payne (the GREATEST GAMES OF ALL TIME!)
Friendship - through the good times and the bad times, my true friends always stuck with me. We may have fought a few times, but in the end we realized we were just acting stupid (they were, of course; I'm always right). They'll probably never read this, but I'll never be able to express with words how much I appreciate them (not gonna say "love" because I am a little afraid that they may end up reading this after all, lol.)
A great book - even though I haven't read anything in a long time. I'd like to go back to that hobby. There are lots of Isaac Asimov books I haven't read yet, for starters.
Blueberries + Tea = blueberry tea. Delicious mixture!
Bags (the guy) + everyone else on DepGAF/MentalHealthGAF - I love you guys, and you are more kind and helpful than you could ever imagine.
Music - what can I say? I can't begin to count the number of times I was feeling like shit, thinking that there was no reason to keep living, and then a great song started playing on my phone, giving me the strength to hold on and keep going, and letting me know that things weren't as bad as I believed they were. Music is the best thing ever invented (right next to dulce de leche), and you should feel TERRIBLE if you don't like listening to anything (not really, but you totally should!). Seriously, listen to this, just listen to this: "Sometimes" - Fleetwood Mac. So. Good.
User 100115
Banned
I need to go to schooooooool. Soon.gif
Or move back home. Either or!
Also, I just realized I forgot to include music, but that would like including breathing, so there we have it.
been signed off work for three weeks, and i'm getting worse and worse.
Smashed our kitchen window yesterday and sliced my hand to shreds. Found out work only paid me half my wages, didnt pay me any sick pay. Result? Can't pay any bills
fucking hell.
at least my incident last week where i got into a state and cut all my hair off is close to being solved - shaved all my hair off now. you'd never notice.
Been on Diazapram for a few days, reacted badly to it. on some other anti depressant right now, betablockers, citalopram and some funky tranquilizer that turns me into a zombie for a bit (not taking it)
I don't know how long i'll be off work for, but I'm terrified
Smashed our kitchen window yesterday and sliced my hand to shreds. Found out work only paid me half my wages, didnt pay me any sick pay. Result? Can't pay any bills
fucking hell.
at least my incident last week where i got into a state and cut all my hair off is close to being solved - shaved all my hair off now. you'd never notice.
Been on Diazapram for a few days, reacted badly to it. on some other anti depressant right now, betablockers, citalopram and some funky tranquilizer that turns me into a zombie for a bit (not taking it)
I don't know how long i'll be off work for, but I'm terrified
Been trying to focus energies into moving to Seattle. It's been hard to convince myself. Going back and forth in my head. I even wrote down Yoda's quote. Do or do not. There is no try.
Well I am in a decent mood so I'll post my 5 things. They are not in any particular order
1. Asian guys - I doubt I would be gay if Asian men didn't exist.
2. Video games - action games like ZOE2, DMC3, god of war 2 & 3 and even metal gear rising
3. Raw selvage denim. - something about raw denim and a nice pair of boots, button down shirt and blazer seems right to me. I have so many pairs of jeans it's crazy
4. Men's underwear namely trunks and briefs. I have so many that there are underwear in my drawer that I have not worn since I bought them
5. Apple tech. I love my iPhone and iPad. I doubt I can ever buy an android or windows phone or tablet. Consumer for life.
These things are not the reason why I am alive but since I am I enjoy these things.
Well I am in a decent mood so I'll post my 5 things. They are not in any particular order
1. Asian guys - I doubt I would be gay if Asian men didn't exist.
2. Video games - action games like ZOE2, DMC3, god of war 2 & 3 and even metal gear rising
3. Raw selvage denim. - something about raw denim and a nice pair of boots, button down shirt and blazer seems right to me. I have so many pairs of jeans it's crazy
4. Men's underwear namely trunks and briefs. I have so many that there are underwear in my drawer that I have not worn since I bought them
5. Apple tech. I love my iPhone and iPad. I doubt I can ever buy an android or windows phone or tablet. Consumer for life.
These things are not the reason why I am alive but since I am I enjoy these things.
I forgot to include family in my list. I'm ashamed of myself :/My five things, sorry I am late:
1. Family. My kids, my sister and brothers, my mom and pa.
2. Fandom. Fanfiction, vidding, squee. I know it's weird, but fandom has saved my life so many times, y'all, it's ridiculous.
3. Food. I know I don't seem like it with as little as I eat, but I love to eat good food.
4. Friends. Mostly you guys. Since I have no friends in real life that I can interact with on a constant basis (yet). You know who you are.
5. My dogs. I know, I couldn't think of another F
C'mon young padawan, you can do it! I know it must be hard, but I seriously think you should do it. You have nothing to lose, and a lot to gain.
So glad to see you're feeling good right now, Neo
You could try an invisibility cloak?
Oh who am I kidding. I'm a failure and a complete mess of a person and I'm tired of trying to convince myself otherwise. I wish I could just pour my heart out but I doubt anyone is interested.
Modified form of Bagel's list activity, my small list of things to look forward to:
1. Beach trip: Trying to plan a trip to some beach in Florida with a couple friends. If anyone has any suggestions I'm open to them! Or any beach on the east coast. I have my doubts it'll actually happen though; it's one thing to talk about going and another to actually plan and go.
2. Potential internship: Please please please please let me get it.
3. Fall semester: Last year of college! Five years of college is one too many; definitely feeling burnt out on taking classes but it should be an interesting last few classes.
4. Popeyes: Gotta try that new waffle chicken strips thing.
5. My birthday: Okay I lied, not actually looking forward to this cause nothing is gonna happen that day =(
Modified form of Bagel's list activity, my small list of things to look forward to:
1. Beach trip: Trying to plan a trip to some beach in Florida with a couple friends. If anyone has any suggestions I'm open to them! Or any beach on the east coast. I have my doubts it'll actually happen though; it's one thing to talk about going and another to actually plan and go.
2. Potential internship: Please please please please let me get it.
3. Fall semester: Last year of college! Five years of college is one too many; definitely feeling burnt out on taking classes but it should be an interesting last few classes.
4. Popeyes: Gotta try that new waffle chicken strips thing.
5. My birthday: Okay I lied, not actually looking forward to this cause nothing is gonna happen that day =(
Unfortunately my life isn't worth living so I can't really post anything. And I don't even enjoy anything so I can't even post stuff that gives me temporary happiness. I do stuff that just kind of passes the time, but it's all surreal and I don't feel true enjoyment from any of it.
I am improving everyday though so maybe I'll be able to post a list in a few months time. I do lots of stuff though so it would probably be a big list.
I'm pretty sure I've dealt with clinical depression for at least 15 years. I'm 28 as of today. I'm not sure why I resisted the idea that I could have this problem for so long. I know I was afraid of being medicated, so maybe that's it. Or maybe it's just because I thought I could tough it out the old fashioned way. I had to go through a lot of things in life that I just had to learn to live with. I think I just got in the habit of dealing with them in my own way without seeking help.
Anyway, I'm fucking depressed. It's getting to the point where I feel like I'm being crippled. It's absolutely debilitating and I almost got fired because of it. In fact, I still might. It's bizarre to attempt to describe but I'm sure many people here have felt it. You want so badly to do a good job, but there's a disconnect somewhere between your intent and your ability to act. I feel that describing it as a "complete and utter lack of motivation" is selling it too short.
I can't sleep. When I do sleep, I don't feel rested. I'm tired throughout the day and then I'm awake when it's time to sleep.
The littlest things frustrate the hell out of me. I get so angry sometimes over the stupidest shit.
I feel like an absolute failure. Six years ago, I set out to fulfill a dream of mine. It took me from New York to California where I joined the National Guard and now to Virginia where I work at a software company. When I write it down on paper I've made progress, but I feel like I'm not any closer than I was six years ago. I still don't have the education I need, and I'm really not even close.
I don't enjoy things like I used to. Games, music, shows, movies, friends, food, etc. I used to take an interest in dressing nice for work. Don't care anymore.
I don't like being around most people. I have a select few people I can tolerate for long periods of time and everyone else can fuck off. Yet I feel lonely because I have like two friends and have no idea how to make any more.
When I brought this up with my mom last month, she said I was really happy as a child. When I hit my preteens I changed. All kids do at that point obviously. But she said I didn't seem happy anymore. I guess she thought I'd grow out of it. I thought I would too, and now here I am at 28 making this post.
It's not worth trying to fight through this shit on my own anymore. I need help. I know there's not a miracle treatment that makes everything better, but I at least need something to make this all easier to deal with. I'm going to do something about it, and I'm going to report back when I have. I'll be checking back here periodically. Feel free to berate me if you feel it's taken me too long to give you an update. The fact is I made this same promise to some of my co-workers about a month ago and I never made good on it. Part of it was due to some complications with my health insurance. But if I had the motivation, I would have resolved them more quickly so I could go see a doctor. I'm going to get this worked out tomorrow so I can schedule an appointment.
That said, for those currently receiving treatment for depression, did you first see your family doctor or did you go straight to a specialist? Any recommendations for one over the other? Also, what medications do you take? What, if any, side effects do you personally experience? Any help you can provide will be appreciated.
Also, for the record, I scored a 19 on the PHQ-9 and a 30 on BDI. I know it's not an official diagnosis, but it helps to see it on paper like that.
There's certainly more to this whole story and maybe one day I'll share all of it. For now, I'd just like to say thanks to this whole community for creating a place where people like me can come get the information and support they need to deal with their problems. Once I get this bullshit under control a little bit better I hope that I'll be able to give something back. Thanks guys.
Anyway, I'm fucking depressed. It's getting to the point where I feel like I'm being crippled. It's absolutely debilitating and I almost got fired because of it. In fact, I still might. It's bizarre to attempt to describe but I'm sure many people here have felt it. You want so badly to do a good job, but there's a disconnect somewhere between your intent and your ability to act. I feel that describing it as a "complete and utter lack of motivation" is selling it too short.
I can't sleep. When I do sleep, I don't feel rested. I'm tired throughout the day and then I'm awake when it's time to sleep.
The littlest things frustrate the hell out of me. I get so angry sometimes over the stupidest shit.
I feel like an absolute failure. Six years ago, I set out to fulfill a dream of mine. It took me from New York to California where I joined the National Guard and now to Virginia where I work at a software company. When I write it down on paper I've made progress, but I feel like I'm not any closer than I was six years ago. I still don't have the education I need, and I'm really not even close.
I don't enjoy things like I used to. Games, music, shows, movies, friends, food, etc. I used to take an interest in dressing nice for work. Don't care anymore.
I don't like being around most people. I have a select few people I can tolerate for long periods of time and everyone else can fuck off. Yet I feel lonely because I have like two friends and have no idea how to make any more.
When I brought this up with my mom last month, she said I was really happy as a child. When I hit my preteens I changed. All kids do at that point obviously. But she said I didn't seem happy anymore. I guess she thought I'd grow out of it. I thought I would too, and now here I am at 28 making this post.
It's not worth trying to fight through this shit on my own anymore. I need help. I know there's not a miracle treatment that makes everything better, but I at least need something to make this all easier to deal with. I'm going to do something about it, and I'm going to report back when I have. I'll be checking back here periodically. Feel free to berate me if you feel it's taken me too long to give you an update. The fact is I made this same promise to some of my co-workers about a month ago and I never made good on it. Part of it was due to some complications with my health insurance. But if I had the motivation, I would have resolved them more quickly so I could go see a doctor. I'm going to get this worked out tomorrow so I can schedule an appointment.
That said, for those currently receiving treatment for depression, did you first see your family doctor or did you go straight to a specialist? Any recommendations for one over the other? Also, what medications do you take? What, if any, side effects do you personally experience? Any help you can provide will be appreciated.
Also, for the record, I scored a 19 on the PHQ-9 and a 30 on BDI. I know it's not an official diagnosis, but it helps to see it on paper like that.
There's certainly more to this whole story and maybe one day I'll share all of it. For now, I'd just like to say thanks to this whole community for creating a place where people like me can come get the information and support they need to deal with their problems. Once I get this bullshit under control a little bit better I hope that I'll be able to give something back. Thanks guys.
sneakypete
Member
I have a hard time even talking about anything to people close to me, so I don't really want to share anything I'm going through in such a public fashion. Just wanted to chime in and say how wonderful all of you are. Its been very strange reading all these posts describing many things I feel or have been through; almost feels comforting. We may all be alone, but at least we're alone together. I did want to contribute something though, so here's my soundcloud. Just some mediocre guitar playing, but maybe someone will enjoy it.
Superheroes are the shit. If you want any recommendations for comics, movies, or shows, let me know! Gotta use my vast superhero knowledge for something.
Well I just finished Watchmen tonight. All I've read besides that is Thor: The Mighty Avenger. I'm open to any recommendations! I was thinking of reading this Flash run next, when I have money.
I should start typing on this thing again. I think it is a FACIT T2, still works great.
edit: Actually it might be a different model, the T2 looks smaller on the pictures.
Greetings to the mental health thread. Last week I created a thread seeking some support regarding tragic events of dealing with my parents suddenly developing separate mental illnesses. Alzheimer's for my father, Schizophrenia for my mother. I've written small bits about it before, as my therapist at the time suggested I do, and it made me overall feel relief whenever I felt...crushed thinking about things. But I feel a full book might best serve my needs, and thus, have been writing. I posted what in Microsoft Word is about 4 single-spaced pages of what I have written. I chose to write it as a narrative, from a first person perspective of myself beginning in 2008 when everything began. It would mean a lot to me to get some feedback on it from GAF, as I've always felt on a similar wavelength with so many here...(you like Super Metroid AND Breaking Bad!? Friends forever!) I won't post the pages here so as to not take up a shit-ton of space, but I figured posting about it here wouldn't be too attention-seeky...Anyways, I'll link the topic here for anyone who wants to see. Again, much thanks .
Right now it's called "World Coming Down", because it fits, and because I love Type O Negative.
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=634996&highlight=walls+are+closing+in
.Right now it's called "World Coming Down", because it fits, and because I love Type O Negative.
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=634996&highlight=walls+are+closing+in
K so, day I attempt to tell GAF about ECT is the day I get hauled off by the cops and stuck in an inpatient ward for a week and a half... sorry but there's just nothing witty to say about this.
Meanwhile the treatment's still working amazingly well (even though it was apparently responsible for me being put on the 72 hour form) so once I get more settled I'll write up something (hopefully by tomorrow) that details my experiences up till now which is the 6th treatment.
...of course now that I've said this they're sure to form me again lol.
Might be a silly question but what do you mean with "72 Hour Form"? I can't say, me being Dutch probably being the reason, that I'm familiar with the term.
In Ontario, Canada it's kinda the standard amount of time a Dr. can have you admitted against your will if there is concern about self harm. But if they need to they can technically renew it indefinitely if they haven't got a good grasp on the situation by then or convinced you to stay longer voluntarily. So for me it was technically two 72 hour forms and a 5 day voluntary stay, although after the first night I basically conceited that they new what was best and would have stayed regardless.
Ah, I see. I had something like that happen to me last week where I got stuck for 3 days in a ward because I completely snapped. Though to be fair in my case it was completely voluntary so it is not like you can really compare the two.
But I 'm quite interested in that write-up.
It's always good to hear that treatment is going well even though, if I'm reading your previous message right, you are suffering from some (slight) amnesia because of it. Am I reading that right? Are there any other (large) side-effects?
But I 'm quite interested in that write-up.
It's always good to hear that treatment is going well even though, if I'm reading your previous message right, you are suffering from some (slight) amnesia because of it. Am I reading that right? Are there any other (large) side-effects?
I can be rather slow.
This is a random thought. Is anyone interested in a DepressionGAF book club? I just got back into reading and I want to share!
Ooo, meah! I'm trying to read 50 books this year. I'm about to finish Chapterhouse Dune and will likely read The Ocean at the End of the Lane next. It's short so I'm going to need new stuff soon! D:
Are you doing the 50/50 challenge too? I'm doing it and I'm depressingly behind on books (think I've read like 7 ;_
. I'm down for a Book Club. Hopefully the library will have whatever we decide to read.
Darkmakaimura
Can You Imagine What SureAI Is Going To Do With Garfield?
I sent out some Friends Requests on Steam to people here. If you get one, it's most likely from me. Just mentioning so I don't "startle" anyone.
Just mentioning so I don't "startle" anyone.I'm not getting treated at this point as I feel like I'm on top of things but I'd go see your doctor first if money isn't an issue. The only advice I'll give is to write down the key points or issues you feel you have and take a note with you to the doctors. It's easy to forget something important. Medications and side effects vary from person to person and it will depend exactly what you're diagnosed with.
I really don't know about a family doc/GP vs a specialist. It's usually down to availability and insurance. If you're interested in meds, the psychiatrist is going to be the person with the most knowledge. Family docs have gotten pretty comfortable prescribing SSRIs, as they're generally safe, but it still varies a bit.
I detailed my experience with MAOIs in (excruciating) detail a few pages back, but odds are you won't end up on one. I've taken a good number of different meds in the search for something that works for me, so I'm happy to discuss any particular med you're interested in. It's all wildly variable - something may work great for you, make me worse, do nothing for a third person...
All else being equal, Zoloft is a good choice to start for many people. The side effect profile is quite nice, it's available generic, and it's as effective as anything else.
Are you doing the 50/50 challenge too? I'm doing it and I'm depressingly behind on books (think I've read like 7 ;_
I'm down for a Book Club. Hopefully the library will have whatever we decide to read.
I won last year. I'm in it this year - started half a year late so it's on. It is so on. Two novels a week. Count em. 1, 2 novels a week. Choo choo. Get on this book train!!
This week has been pretty rough for me, I'm pretty much at the lowest I have been for a long time. To make it worse, my mum is ill and I've had to take care of her, and keep her occupied while she gets through it. Monday was fine, but yesterday I got a lot of snide comments from her about how I was no help at all, and other random crap I really didn't need. I'm kinda lost right now.
Bit slow on this, but here are my things that I live for.
Bit slow on this, but here are my things that I live for.
- Friends. I can't really claim to have as many as I'd like, and even fewer of those I'd really call close friends, but the one or two I do have, mean everything to me and without them I'd have no motivation to get up each morning and even participate in life. I'd like to think I assist them in return in some way, but yeah. They mean the world to me and make it worth being alive right now.
- Helping people. I love to help people. When I'm through all of this, there are people I want to help. I'd love to volunteer somewhere and be part of a collective, positive force for people in less privileged societies or countries. One of my biggest worries every day is that I worry that I don't help people enough, but it's something I love doing and seek to improve on.
- Hobbies. My passion for the things I should be enjoying has gone up and down in waves recently, but overall, I still love investing part of my time and energy into the things I enjoy watching or playing.
- Music. When I'm having a seriously down moment, finding that one piece of music that encapsulates your emotions and thoughts is an incredible feeling. At first, it can feel like a destructive use of time, since it tends to feed my own desperation and depression, but after a while, it brings a reality and a sound to the thoughts I have, and expresses things better than I would ever be able to in words.
Here's some little song from my favorite musician. I think it's very beautiful, and I wanted to share it with you guys. If this bothers someone, please tell me so and I'll stop posting songs (and I apologize in advance.)
"Flyin' away" - John Fogerty
Well I feel like flyin' away.
'Cause more and more I'm just in the way, yeah.
Through the night and far across the sky
there's another light, you know I must fly
far, far away.
Well I feel it now, somehow in me.
The power of flight should appear.
I hear a song callin' my name,
and I might be wrong, but I'm goin' just the same.
Far, far away.
Far, far away.
Well I feel like flyin' away,
and walk on the clouds along the way.
Well don't be sad, it's gonna be alright, yeah.
And if you're strong, just come along tonight.
Far, far away.
Far, far away.
"Flyin' away" - John Fogerty
Well I feel like flyin' away.
'Cause more and more I'm just in the way, yeah.
Through the night and far across the sky
there's another light, you know I must fly
far, far away.
Well I feel it now, somehow in me.
The power of flight should appear.
I hear a song callin' my name,
and I might be wrong, but I'm goin' just the same.
Far, far away.
Far, far away.
Well I feel like flyin' away,
and walk on the clouds along the way.
Well don't be sad, it's gonna be alright, yeah.
And if you're strong, just come along tonight.
Far, far away.
Far, far away.
Dastardly Jerks
Banned
I didn't really think this place existed. Maybe I just never noticed.
Anyway, hi.
Last Sunday I tried killing myself.
There's been a monster in my head for over a year now, and I've successfully ignored him and pushed him away for so long that he (like a rubber band) finally snapped and came back at me. He would occasionally pipe up and tell me from day to day how worthless I was or throw a bunch of insults at me, and I'd push him to the back and just say it was "doubt" or use logic to talk him out of power.
I got home from a normal night out after many drinks (no drama or anything), feeling worthless and stupid, I went into my living room of my apartment and ripped my shirt off (literally) and started bawling my eyes out. Fell face flat first and didn't move for half an hour. After I stopped crying, I took off my ripped shirt and put a hoodie on and went outside to the streets. I walked down the street just wanting to die. A taxi turned around the corner, on a street where 60km/h is the limit, and I speed-walked in front of it.
It hit me and I fell to the road, grazing only my side and giving me a few bruises.
He yelled at me, I panicked, I got up and ran home.
When I got home I took 20 Panadol and 3 sleeping tablets and continued crying, the monster now telling me I can't even do that right. I dozed on the floor in a pool of my own saliva tears and mucus.
I finally had to tell someone. I wasn't good at saying things or talking about them. I never did because I never wanted to have a negative impact on anyones existence. So I just left a Facebook status saying what had happened, that I was cancelling on anything involving drinking, that I have a lot of privilege and a lot to live for and I'm getting the help I need.
99% of my Facebook statuses are jokes, puns or references. I like to spark peoples timelines up with positive and hilarious things because of how much people complain about their timelines. A few people messaged me and asked me if it was just a really bad joke. No. Suddenly a call came in, messages of support from friends far and wide. It was appreciated and it helped with that logical part of my argument that kicked in when suicide would become a thought that said resoundingly "No, you have too much to live for".
I took the next day off work and went to hospital to get checked for internal injuries. I have none. Yesterday after work, I went to the GP and told him what happened.
He took a look at me, asked me a few questions and wants to get me on meds straight away. I'm scared of meds, all I have is my ignorance and horror stories I've heard of them changing people for the worst. I convinced Mr Doctor to hold off for a while and convinced him that I wasn't in any imminent danger to myself. I don't think I will be because without alcohol I'll be in control of myself at all times, logic easily beats the monster down and the selfishness takes a back seat.
I got a blood test. I booked my first psych appointment. And I'm hopefully on my way to slaying the monster inside my head.
Anyway, hi.
Last Sunday I tried killing myself.
There's been a monster in my head for over a year now, and I've successfully ignored him and pushed him away for so long that he (like a rubber band) finally snapped and came back at me. He would occasionally pipe up and tell me from day to day how worthless I was or throw a bunch of insults at me, and I'd push him to the back and just say it was "doubt" or use logic to talk him out of power.
I got home from a normal night out after many drinks (no drama or anything), feeling worthless and stupid, I went into my living room of my apartment and ripped my shirt off (literally) and started bawling my eyes out. Fell face flat first and didn't move for half an hour. After I stopped crying, I took off my ripped shirt and put a hoodie on and went outside to the streets. I walked down the street just wanting to die. A taxi turned around the corner, on a street where 60km/h is the limit, and I speed-walked in front of it.
It hit me and I fell to the road, grazing only my side and giving me a few bruises.
He yelled at me, I panicked, I got up and ran home.
When I got home I took 20 Panadol and 3 sleeping tablets and continued crying, the monster now telling me I can't even do that right. I dozed on the floor in a pool of my own saliva tears and mucus.
I finally had to tell someone. I wasn't good at saying things or talking about them. I never did because I never wanted to have a negative impact on anyones existence. So I just left a Facebook status saying what had happened, that I was cancelling on anything involving drinking, that I have a lot of privilege and a lot to live for and I'm getting the help I need.
99% of my Facebook statuses are jokes, puns or references. I like to spark peoples timelines up with positive and hilarious things because of how much people complain about their timelines. A few people messaged me and asked me if it was just a really bad joke. No. Suddenly a call came in, messages of support from friends far and wide. It was appreciated and it helped with that logical part of my argument that kicked in when suicide would become a thought that said resoundingly "No, you have too much to live for".
I took the next day off work and went to hospital to get checked for internal injuries. I have none. Yesterday after work, I went to the GP and told him what happened.
He took a look at me, asked me a few questions and wants to get me on meds straight away. I'm scared of meds, all I have is my ignorance and horror stories I've heard of them changing people for the worst. I convinced Mr Doctor to hold off for a while and convinced him that I wasn't in any imminent danger to myself. I don't think I will be because without alcohol I'll be in control of myself at all times, logic easily beats the monster down and the selfishness takes a back seat.
I got a blood test. I booked my first psych appointment. And I'm hopefully on my way to slaying the monster inside my head.
Fudgepuppy
Banned
So fucking glad you were open about it. I told two of my friends of my dark thoughts last week, and that's when I truly started to believe my life was worth living for. Hearing a friend with tears in her eyes say "Please don't do it" was a wake-up call everyone in need needs to hear.
Sooo... my roommate was recently prescribed ritalin (well, a generic of ritalin) and he has had some pretty amazing improvements in that time. He has been my friend for nearly 15 years, so seeing him be so much more positive and go getting has been great.
The other day, I tried one of his pills.
I know that sounds horrible, so I should explain and give more context!
I've always suspected I might had ADHD. Or something similar. In fact, many of my teachers growing up did as well. But for one reason or another, I never really pursued more information on the subject, and I've been living on fine ever since.
However, lately I've been noticing more and more how I absolutely cannot focus on anything. At first I thought it was because of the internet, or who knows what sort of reducing my attention span (and it may very well still be that) but this has been an issue for actually as long as I remember. I don't think I've ever been crazy hyperactive or anything like that, but my brain has always been weird.
To get into more details about my brain... I've always felt like I have too many thoughts happening at once. Not one after another, so much as happening in parallel. I used to think it was normal, until people started to point out certain things. I think the most obvious indication of this has been my (at varying levels of severity, but always present) speech impediment(s). I think the best example of my speech impediment is Cluttering. A quick description of some of the stuff I do:
This is basically textbook me. I often create new words because I think of two or more words at once that fit a description. Finagle and Meander is Menagle, for example. Spoonerism's are common, but most apparent is I talk really really fast. I talk at a rate that many people have lots of issues keeping up with. Depending on how 'excited' I am, the speeds might even be too much for my girlfriend to handle.
I've always been a bit embarrassed about my speech issues, but I've sort of come to terms with it. I never considered that they may be a symptom of something greater - but back to the Wikipedia page, here is something that also really highlights how I feel:
This description is also apt, but it seems to manifest itself in other ways than just speech for me.
I'm a developer, mostly just freelance right now, but I am looking for full time employment. Honestly? I'm pretty good at it. I've worked at a few places doing it, and working alongside other developers with my amount of experience has given me enough confidence to say that I have a lot of potential in the field, and I actually love it. Sorry for that bit of a tangent, but my issues have also been made more apparent because of my career/passion. There are too many options for web development, too many opportunities, too many branches and it cripples me sometimes. I would start a project, start a learning experience, and a quarter the way through, learn enough to want to pursue something else, so I'd abandon that project. Repeat for infinity and you are where I'm at. I figured this is a problem everyone has, but the more I talk to friends with similar career options, the more I realize I am at the faaaar end of extreme when it comes to this habit. It's been immensely frustrating, and I can't seem to do anything about it.
Back to ritalin. So, because of these issues (and others), I've been considering seeing a professional - I really just want to be more functional. My roommate, bless him, never had the problems I had - where I am too hyperactive and unable to ever satisfy myself, his issues were more along the lines of... apathy? I guess? I don't want to actually simplify it that much, but my point is, I feel like even if we BOTH have issues that would warrant medication, they would be only kind of similar. So when I took the ritalin, I wasn't sure anything would happen.
What came out of it was probably the most satisfying day of my life. I just sat down in front of my computer, and worked. I worked and I worked, and I didn't stray. Whenever I felt the regular urge to just... run off on a tangent, it didn't happen. I set a sort of goal for myself, I completed it... and it was just so good. I was so happy. I then got up, and decided to clean my place. I did more cleaning in those few hours than I normally do in a week, and it felt great.
Eventually, my girlfriend came over and I think she noticed I was a bit different. She didn't know I took any ritalin (yet), but one of the first things she mentioned to me when I eventually told her was "Yeah I sort of realized something was up. You're talking normally."
So apparently, my speech impediment was greatly mitigated by this. I didn't stutter. I talked at a reasonable (if still a bit fast) pace. I didn't mush together words, and I enunciated... oh god it felt good to enunciate. It just sort of... happened. I didn't really have to put any effort into it, and when I did put a little bit of effort in, the results were even more noticeable. This to me, was just as important (if not more) than the effects it had on my work.
I tried to do some introspection, but it's hard trying to figure out what's real and what's placebo. However, if I had to really put my finger on the root of my change it felt like... my brain which was a tangled web of tangents and intersecting railroad tracks (that often had to deal with crashes) sort of... organized itself a bit better? I think that might be too dramatic, a simpler way of saying it is, I think I always had some hierarchical system in my head for thoughts, but they were largely ignored, even if I knew they were there. It's like I don't ignore them anymore. And that's been manifesting in all sorts of ways.
This has been a long post, and where I came here for advice, it looks like I ended up just spilling out all my musings. I could talk forever about my experience, but I actually want people to read this and give me some advice.
Now for the real part of my post!
I want to pursue this. Maybe not even necessarily drugs, but I want to see if I can make this effect permanent. If there is anything I can do to get past these problems. I live in Toronto, but I don't have a family doctor (my girlfriend is going to see if she can get me in with her doctor who she really loves, but that'll probably take months). I want to talk to a professional about this, I want to assess myself - I just want to figure out if this is for me, and if this could really help me. If what I glimpsed is really what I can expect... my life would be changed for the better, dramatically.
So does anyone have any advice for me? I tried doing some basic googling, but I actually don't even know how to form the question for Google to understand. "If I want to pursue a psychological assessment of myself and see if ritalin is right for me, where do I go and who do I talk to in Toronto?".
I would ask my roommate, but he's on vacation until the 11th - I don't want to bother him while he's playing with leprechauns (he's in Ireland). Any help would be much appreciated, and for anyone who made it through my entire post, I'm sorry!
The other day, I tried one of his pills.
I know that sounds horrible, so I should explain and give more context!
I've always suspected I might had ADHD. Or something similar. In fact, many of my teachers growing up did as well. But for one reason or another, I never really pursued more information on the subject, and I've been living on fine ever since.
However, lately I've been noticing more and more how I absolutely cannot focus on anything. At first I thought it was because of the internet, or who knows what sort of reducing my attention span (and it may very well still be that) but this has been an issue for actually as long as I remember. I don't think I've ever been crazy hyperactive or anything like that, but my brain has always been weird.
To get into more details about my brain... I've always felt like I have too many thoughts happening at once. Not one after another, so much as happening in parallel. I used to think it was normal, until people started to point out certain things. I think the most obvious indication of this has been my (at varying levels of severity, but always present) speech impediment(s). I think the best example of my speech impediment is Cluttering. A quick description of some of the stuff I do:
This is basically textbook me. I often create new words because I think of two or more words at once that fit a description. Finagle and Meander is Menagle, for example. Spoonerism's are common, but most apparent is I talk really really fast. I talk at a rate that many people have lots of issues keeping up with. Depending on how 'excited' I am, the speeds might even be too much for my girlfriend to handle.
I've always been a bit embarrassed about my speech issues, but I've sort of come to terms with it. I never considered that they may be a symptom of something greater - but back to the Wikipedia page, here is something that also really highlights how I feel:
This description is also apt, but it seems to manifest itself in other ways than just speech for me.
I'm a developer, mostly just freelance right now, but I am looking for full time employment. Honestly? I'm pretty good at it. I've worked at a few places doing it, and working alongside other developers with my amount of experience has given me enough confidence to say that I have a lot of potential in the field, and I actually love it. Sorry for that bit of a tangent, but my issues have also been made more apparent because of my career/passion. There are too many options for web development, too many opportunities, too many branches and it cripples me sometimes. I would start a project, start a learning experience, and a quarter the way through, learn enough to want to pursue something else, so I'd abandon that project. Repeat for infinity and you are where I'm at. I figured this is a problem everyone has, but the more I talk to friends with similar career options, the more I realize I am at the faaaar end of extreme when it comes to this habit. It's been immensely frustrating, and I can't seem to do anything about it.
Back to ritalin. So, because of these issues (and others), I've been considering seeing a professional - I really just want to be more functional. My roommate, bless him, never had the problems I had - where I am too hyperactive and unable to ever satisfy myself, his issues were more along the lines of... apathy? I guess? I don't want to actually simplify it that much, but my point is, I feel like even if we BOTH have issues that would warrant medication, they would be only kind of similar. So when I took the ritalin, I wasn't sure anything would happen.
What came out of it was probably the most satisfying day of my life. I just sat down in front of my computer, and worked. I worked and I worked, and I didn't stray. Whenever I felt the regular urge to just... run off on a tangent, it didn't happen. I set a sort of goal for myself, I completed it... and it was just so good. I was so happy. I then got up, and decided to clean my place. I did more cleaning in those few hours than I normally do in a week, and it felt great.
Eventually, my girlfriend came over and I think she noticed I was a bit different. She didn't know I took any ritalin (yet), but one of the first things she mentioned to me when I eventually told her was "Yeah I sort of realized something was up. You're talking normally."
So apparently, my speech impediment was greatly mitigated by this. I didn't stutter. I talked at a reasonable (if still a bit fast) pace. I didn't mush together words, and I enunciated... oh god it felt good to enunciate. It just sort of... happened. I didn't really have to put any effort into it, and when I did put a little bit of effort in, the results were even more noticeable. This to me, was just as important (if not more) than the effects it had on my work.
I tried to do some introspection, but it's hard trying to figure out what's real and what's placebo. However, if I had to really put my finger on the root of my change it felt like... my brain which was a tangled web of tangents and intersecting railroad tracks (that often had to deal with crashes) sort of... organized itself a bit better? I think that might be too dramatic, a simpler way of saying it is, I think I always had some hierarchical system in my head for thoughts, but they were largely ignored, even if I knew they were there. It's like I don't ignore them anymore. And that's been manifesting in all sorts of ways.
This has been a long post, and where I came here for advice, it looks like I ended up just spilling out all my musings. I could talk forever about my experience, but I actually want people to read this and give me some advice.
Now for the real part of my post!
I want to pursue this. Maybe not even necessarily drugs, but I want to see if I can make this effect permanent. If there is anything I can do to get past these problems. I live in Toronto, but I don't have a family doctor (my girlfriend is going to see if she can get me in with her doctor who she really loves, but that'll probably take months). I want to talk to a professional about this, I want to assess myself - I just want to figure out if this is for me, and if this could really help me. If what I glimpsed is really what I can expect... my life would be changed for the better, dramatically.
So does anyone have any advice for me? I tried doing some basic googling, but I actually don't even know how to form the question for Google to understand. "If I want to pursue a psychological assessment of myself and see if ritalin is right for me, where do I go and who do I talk to in Toronto?".
I would ask my roommate, but he's on vacation until the 11th - I don't want to bother him while he's playing with leprechauns (he's in Ireland). Any help would be much appreciated, and for anyone who made it through my entire post, I'm sorry!
ThisWreckage
Banned
I haven't felt this terrible in a long time. Every action has weight. The inaction of me not killing myself is the biggest weight of all, however.
Prax
Member
I still exist~! (yay!)
I have just been a little too busy and tired to post anything since I just finished a week of working full-time in overnight shifts restocking shelves and lifting stuff. xD
Both fun AND tedious AND exhausting!
I will be back to post and respond to stuff at SOME point. Hopefully Friday!
Just wanted to give a heads up in case any of you were wondering where I be at or Bagels wondering why I haven't mailed him back a beautiful response yet. ;D
Stay as well as possible, everyone.
It's also nice to see a bunch of new names pop up in the thread, so I hope you find this a welcoming and helpful place to get advice, vent, or just kind of organize your thoughts or practice communicating for perhaps the first time.
I have just been a little too busy and tired to post anything since I just finished a week of working full-time in overnight shifts restocking shelves and lifting stuff. xD
Both fun AND tedious AND exhausting!
I will be back to post and respond to stuff at SOME point. Hopefully Friday!
Just wanted to give a heads up in case any of you were wondering where I be at or Bagels wondering why I haven't mailed him back a beautiful response yet. ;D
Stay as well as possible, everyone.
It's also nice to see a bunch of new names pop up in the thread, so I hope you find this a welcoming and helpful place to get advice, vent, or just kind of organize your thoughts or practice communicating for perhaps the first time.
Some quick and dirty suggestions: Batwoman: Elegy and Gotham Central if you like Batman. The first has the best art (by J.H. Williams III) to be found in any superhero comic. The second is about the Gotham police force and my favorite Batman-related series ever.
If you want a standalone superhero story that's absolutely amazing: Planetary. It's about superhero archeologists that are trying to rediscover the lost history of their world.
I actually don't know much of Barry Allen but the run seems worth it if only for the gorgeous Francis Manapul art.
Glad that people are excited! I'm not quite sure what we should read yet. I'd like everyone to be motivated to read it so I don't want to choose something people will dislike.
I was thinking about stuff that's nonfiction though. Very glad that you've taken the steps to get help. I know meds can be scary, but they are definitely worth it in my opinion. Of course, this is something you should speak to your psychologist about. If they recommend medication or bring it up, let them know your worries about it.
Darkmakaimura
Can You Imagine What SureAI Is Going To Do With Garfield?
I'm realizing I'm losing weight due to my appetite and lack of sleep. I suppose I'd have a better appetite if I had more appealing food available. The other day I had junk food - Wendy's - and it felt so satisfying. But for me to lose weight is particularly bad considering I'm very skinny as it is. I'm also more irritable than normal and even the smallest things are getting to me. I almost had a nervous breakdown the last couple of days.
I'm also looking into the recent past and analyzing things that happened. All the "friends" I've lost and all the people who I've upset, especially over the last four years or so. And that moment I ask myself why I haven't killed myself yet. Why am I still here? I mean, I'm honestly scared to die but at the same time I don't know what the point of still going on is. There's no purpose to this. I can truly, honestly say I don't know a single person who knows me that would honestly care if I disappeared or if I died. Seriously. I don't.
I'm also looking into the recent past and analyzing things that happened. All the "friends" I've lost and all the people who I've upset, especially over the last four years or so. And that moment I ask myself why I haven't killed myself yet. Why am I still here? I mean, I'm honestly scared to die but at the same time I don't know what the point of still going on is. There's no purpose to this. I can truly, honestly say I don't know a single person who knows me that would honestly care if I disappeared or if I died. Seriously. I don't.
Hey, I'm also in Toronto, hello! The best way to get help in this area is to be referred by a GP. You don't necessarily need a family doctor, you can go to any of the walk in clinics in the city and talk to the doctors there. They should be able to hook you up with what you need. That said, having your own family doctor may make things easier, so do try to go through your girlfriends family doctor if possible. I don't actually know if the clinic doctors can prescribe you meds while waiting for the specialist, but its worth asking I guess.
Also... don't be discouraged by the wait, it may take quite a while to actually get the appointment. In my case, I was recommended by my family doctor, and it still took close to 6 months. My doctor really wanted me to see this specific guy though, so maybe you will have better luck in this regard. If you have any other questions I can try to answer em.
Ugh. Today marks a year since I've become the super introverted, self-deprecating, unmotivated, untrusting shell of a person that I am. Somehow I'm still not over that. My mom also had surgery to remove the varicose veins in one of her legs and is really weakened by it, so that's also pretty stressful right now. I also just had another BlueScreen error out of the blue while browsing just now, even after installing a new CPU and reinstalling Windows 7, so fuck me, I don't know what's wrong at this point, and I don't have the money to replace anything (if anything needs replacing, which would likely be the motherboard). I also feel that there's no way I'll be able to keep up with summer school at this rate and I should just give up and drop it.
Quality of sleep's been decreasing and I'm always tired; always feeling like a mindless zombie. Being told I'm wasting my life by not having a part-time job (as if they're easy to find) and that I'm "ruining (my) brain and messing (myself) up even more" by being on the computer is also so helpful. Nice to know I have a supportive family to rely on to make me feel better when I'm down.
Quality of sleep's been decreasing and I'm always tired; always feeling like a mindless zombie. Being told I'm wasting my life by not having a part-time job (as if they're easy to find) and that I'm "ruining (my) brain and messing (myself) up even more" by being on the computer is also so helpful. Nice to know I have a supportive family to rely on to make me feel better when I'm down.
User 100115
Banned
I am really sorry you are feeling so horrible right now. Is there anyway you can distract yourself from it? I find that works best to get me through my lows. Pour all my energy into something that is fairly stupid until the low passes.
If you need to talk, please feel free to PM me or anyone else here, or just rant in thread. It's amazing how much just getting it all out there helps sometimes. Even if we don't have advice, we can at least be a shoulder for a while. Be kind to yourself.
Thanks a lot for the advice!
I actually just found a number and called it (an ADHD centre in Markham) but I got the machine. I think maybe tomorrow I'll visit a walk-in and see what happens from there. I'll remember to ask your questions!
I think the hardest part about waiting for me will be... well if I do have ADHD or whatever, and there is this potential path to treatment, it'll be hard to sit on my hands, you know? Especially after I've seen what I can do with a little ritalin in my system. Going back to being all incomprehensible and talking too fast/clumsily when I am at parties is going to be hard.
whiterabbit
Member
I think I'll get some alcohol right now....yum
Two a week? Well, this week is already half over, but I'm gonna go for it anyway! lol
T
Transhuman
Unconfirmed Member
Yeah, I would never be able to do 50 books a year, purely because I don't think I'd be able to find 50 books in a year I want to read. I really wanted to read Horns by Joe Hill and A Song of Ice and Fire GoT but they've been checked-out in spades at the library. So it's down to the three books I picked up last month second-hand: Neuromancer, The Road, or Ender's Game. If anyone has any suggestions though, feel free.
whiterabbit
Member
Would you ever consider writing a book?
Dastardly Jerks
Banned
Very much so. Logically you know you're hurting people if you ever die, but it never hits emotionally home until you hear it in their voices. The bruises from the car served as an instant 'wake up call' to do something about it, and the words people have said are the 'wake up call' to ensure I'll never let myself get to the stage where I attempt suicide ever again.
Definitely. When it comes to drugs themselves I know how powerful they can be. With medication it's effects are so very particular that it worries me how it would react with my own particular brain and set of chemistry levels. Hence my concern. You can listen to a million personal encounters, but unless there's a common variable between them all then it's hard to pinpoint how a certain drug will react with you.
Either way, when I get brand names, I'll be doing some research immediately.
Whoa, I would have never guessed you had any demons from your posts in NHL-Age
dstrdl pls get better
- Status