eddfromtheriver
Banned
I am not racist (or so I think) but.. this made me want to crack up.. every.. time. XD
Me siento muy ofendido señor!
Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
- Thread starter Bagels
- Start date
- Status
Me siento muy ofendido señor!
Cheers, what is the mumble info if you don't mind?
Agent Cooper
Member
Well, Bagels is a bagel, and MikeDip is an angel, so I wanted to be a ghost! But since I'm AGENT Cooper, I needed a badge.
I've caught exactly 3 Pacmans. But they all got out on bail because of all the gold coins they had. :-----(
NeOak
Member
You are her plan B. She knows that you care about her and she's using it to her advantage, by using you to get the emotional support she doesn't get from the other guy.
Try to back away a bit until you can kill your feelings for her.
The fact that she got pissed by not telling her about the trip shows her sense of entitlement, as if you are supposed to tell her about everything first.
I'm going to end all therapy. It doesn't work for me. It's a big lieDon't be.
Are you getting any sort of help at the moment, because everyone needs help sorting their shit out.
Fudgepuppy
Banned
You don't quit treatment when some medicine isn't working.
I don't know what you've been through, how many different kinds of medicines or different therapists you've had in your life, but believe me, giving up is as much of a stand-still as just standing still. :/
I actually don't think she has any interest in me as a boyfriend or anything, but she's definitely toying with me going back and forth casually, even if it's only on my part.
Man, going to work tomorrow with him next to me, and she 15 metres away, will not be paradise...
eddfromtheriver
Banned
Dude, you can't possibly be that bad looking, i know gay men have high standards, but i'm sure that working out, a good fashion sense and a cool haircut will improve your game a lot.
You may also need to adjust your standards accordingly.
I've been thinking people throughout history have committed suicide even now right now there are people letting themselves go from this burden of life and who am I? I'm not more important than them to be here alive. So what's the point. What if I died so others can live why not fair trade a loser dies so someone can live.
Ask in chat. The bot seems to be down, but it can give you the info.
NeOak
Member
Try this: When you wake up tomorrow, look at yourself on the mirror and say "today I will give zero fucks about them"
That kind of reinforcement can help in these situations.
Fudgepuppy
Banned
The people who commit suicide do so because their minds are so clouded with dark thoughts that they can't see the present or the future, while also remembering the past in a much worse way.
I'm not saying your troubles aren't important, and that your life hasn't been really shitty since I don't know, but suicide is so outside of everything normal to us that you can't look at it with regular logic or train of thought.
If you commit suicide, life ends and you're dead. Nothing gets better, you don't get to see anyone mourn you, everything just goes to darkness and there's nothing else to it. It sounds poetic and tempting, but that's because we look at it from a normal perspective based on this world and this world's rules.
So don't, please don't do it. Life can't get any better or any more worth it if you kill yourself.
Thanks again!
I suffer from SAD, which I manage with high light levels, antidepressants, mega vitamin D doses, and shifted work hours.
I'm lucky enough to sit by a window at work, and make a point of working from 7.30 AM until 3.30 PM, so I get free daylight time at the end of the day. I turn all the lights on when I get home, and have extra lights that I make use of when afflicted. I take Citalopram in small doses, and also take high potency vitamin D tablets each month through winter. It's the end of winter here now, so I'm weaning off the ADs, but I still light my apartment brightly in the evening, and do the rest, at least until spring kicks in.
I was just wondering what others with this problem do to counteract it.
I'm lucky enough to sit by a window at work, and make a point of working from 7.30 AM until 3.30 PM, so I get free daylight time at the end of the day. I turn all the lights on when I get home, and have extra lights that I make use of when afflicted. I take Citalopram in small doses, and also take high potency vitamin D tablets each month through winter. It's the end of winter here now, so I'm weaning off the ADs, but I still light my apartment brightly in the evening, and do the rest, at least until spring kicks in.
I was just wondering what others with this problem do to counteract it.
There's another scream? Aw man. Well, let's pretend it's there. There you have me and how I feel about life.
youngwerther
Banned
I'm considering ending my life.
Not tonight, and not anytime soon, but it has reached the planning stage. I think about it almost constantly. and last week I bought a gun for this sole purpose. It's sitting in a box on a shelf in my closet and it's always there every night.
I just don't want to deal with this anymore. To explain why would be to type an autobiography, but I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel as though I've explored every perspective, I've exhausted every philosophy, I've tried everything to feel normal, and that there is nothing left for me here.
Not tonight, and not anytime soon, but it has reached the planning stage. I think about it almost constantly. and last week I bought a gun for this sole purpose. It's sitting in a box on a shelf in my closet and it's always there every night.
I just don't want to deal with this anymore. To explain why would be to type an autobiography, but I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel as though I've explored every perspective, I've exhausted every philosophy, I've tried everything to feel normal, and that there is nothing left for me here.
Nobody will probably read this, but one of my doctor's asked me to write up this incident in detail, and I figured I'd write a modified iteration for this thread. Sorry for being long, but, eh. I'll be surprised if anyone reads:
This is a brief description of the events of March 15-16 2013, which has become something of a key date in my life.
Late in the evening of March 15th I had an encounter with a police officer that lead to me being detained for several hours. This has happened a couple times before and a similar incident has also happened since then. After release, I ended up getting home at about 2AM, making it the 16th.
I was a little rattled by the incident and simultaneously a little depressed that getting used to this sort of thing is part of my life now. I put something on TV and figured itd be a good time to re-string my guitar, which kind of makes me focus and playing scales calms me down. Shortly after starting, before I even got done re-stringing the guitar, I started to feel weird. Dizzy or nauseous and noise was kind of irritating. I turned off the TV, sat down on the floor, and laid down on my side. At that point, the feelings in my head became overwhelming. I could no longer move, I was stuck on my side. My eyes were stuck open barely a crack.
I had this excessively weird set of thoughts hit me, like epiphanies or revelations. I realized and remembered that I had died multiple times, and they replayed in my head in detail. Some of these were sort of alternate endings to things that I had recall of and some of them were brand new, mostly contemporary, as if they had happened in the past years that encompassed my life. This was all very detailed. At the end of this portion of the epiphany, a couple of things about the nature of reality were revealed to me, which I wont mention because theyre completely off the wall and I dont want to sound completely insane. After that, I realized that revelation was repeated to me after every time I had died, and once I lived again, Id forget it. Such as it was, I was dead--this whole episode was me dying again.
Shortly after this, I was able to get up and move around. I was dead or dying on the floor, but this, I figured, is how being dead or dying worked. You know, people talk about seeing their body and what not. Well, I couldnt see my body, but I figured I was dead and I was in some, I dunno, afterlife version of my apartment for processing or whatever. Everything had this creepy blue low light or dim glow. I had no heartbeat and my skin cooled. I calmed down--this wasnt bad and this wasnt scary. I hadnt been that calm in years, if ever.
Several hours later, when dawn started hitting, it occurred to me that I probably wasnt dead, and that something very fucked up had happened to me. Maybe some sort of seizure or whatever. Regardless, I decided I wanted to die. The whole episode removed fear and kind of displayed a sort of futility of life to me. If I had really died during all those times I saw, I would have been saved nothing but misery later on, not only of all the friends and loved ones that had died afterward, but also because during interim time between those fantasy deaths and now I knew that I eventually went crazy. If the events of the past 2 years, and especially the events of the previous several hours had told me anything true, it was that my head was getting worse. If that night had been a preview of what the future held for my head, I fucking wanted out now.
I was still mentally out of it a bit. I concocted a plan to die and quickly planned it out, but I knew I needed to leave some sort of note. Like I side, I was still out of it, so it was kind of weird. I sort of set rules when writing it--in short, from what I recall, it was more about mentioning what didnt drive me to do it, but I needed it to be disconnected, single sentences. Keep it really simple. It came out as a weird sort of poem. I printed out a copy if it and left it on my coffee table next to my laptop. I printed out a second copy, folded it up, and put it in my wallet.
Now, to the actual killing myself part. Remember, I was still out of it mentally. Similar to me leaving out the Revelation of the True Nature of Reality several paragraphs above, Im leaving out some details of my suicide plan, but youll get the gist of it. Again, I was out of it, but the calm was burning away into a really hardcore mania. Headache that I could ear. Seeing black lines and motion (but not things) where there was none. I had concocted my suicide plan an hour earlier, when I was still all calm and poetic, and the plan reflected that. The plan was to drive about an hour away to a cliff I had been to a number of times for hiking and to take pictures. It seemed remote enough at the time--off the highway via two different access roads and requiring about a half hour walk. I planned on jumping. Now, that seems unimaginative (remember, I cooked up this plan quickly), but I had injected some poetry into it. I figured the cliff wasnt high enough to kill me on impact, but I planned to jump as though to hit the jagged slope, all the way down. My design was to survive the fall, but break all my limbs on the way down. Once on the ground and completely crippled, I planned to slowly starve or dehydrate to death over days. Alternately (actually not alternately, because this is what I imagined first), I hoped to be torn apart by animals. I wanted a protracted death; I wanted there to be a long time before my final action and when I finally died. For whatever reason, my calm craziness wanted protracted suffering to be a part of my death.
Im sure nobody has read this far and Im getting sick of typing, so Ill wrap this up: I drove about a quarter of the way to where I was going and realized I was too manic to drive. My whole body was shaking and the headache combined with the killer morning sunlight was making it very difficult to keep my eyes open at all. My mind was also increasingly racing. When my head starts racing like that, its usually not good news at all, but here, it convinced me to put off my plan for a few hours, wait to calm down again, and carry it out later. I returned home, took half a dozen Xanax, and woke up late in the evening, calm and sane, wondering WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MY HEAD.
This whole episode has affected me deeply, and I think about the repeated deaths, the "revelations," and the fantasies pretty often. I can't really put any of it behind me. I'd say there are fixations about things that went through my head that I've expanded on a bit since then, even.
This is a brief description of the events of March 15-16 2013, which has become something of a key date in my life.
Late in the evening of March 15th I had an encounter with a police officer that lead to me being detained for several hours. This has happened a couple times before and a similar incident has also happened since then. After release, I ended up getting home at about 2AM, making it the 16th.
I was a little rattled by the incident and simultaneously a little depressed that getting used to this sort of thing is part of my life now. I put something on TV and figured itd be a good time to re-string my guitar, which kind of makes me focus and playing scales calms me down. Shortly after starting, before I even got done re-stringing the guitar, I started to feel weird. Dizzy or nauseous and noise was kind of irritating. I turned off the TV, sat down on the floor, and laid down on my side. At that point, the feelings in my head became overwhelming. I could no longer move, I was stuck on my side. My eyes were stuck open barely a crack.
I had this excessively weird set of thoughts hit me, like epiphanies or revelations. I realized and remembered that I had died multiple times, and they replayed in my head in detail. Some of these were sort of alternate endings to things that I had recall of and some of them were brand new, mostly contemporary, as if they had happened in the past years that encompassed my life. This was all very detailed. At the end of this portion of the epiphany, a couple of things about the nature of reality were revealed to me, which I wont mention because theyre completely off the wall and I dont want to sound completely insane. After that, I realized that revelation was repeated to me after every time I had died, and once I lived again, Id forget it. Such as it was, I was dead--this whole episode was me dying again.
Shortly after this, I was able to get up and move around. I was dead or dying on the floor, but this, I figured, is how being dead or dying worked. You know, people talk about seeing their body and what not. Well, I couldnt see my body, but I figured I was dead and I was in some, I dunno, afterlife version of my apartment for processing or whatever. Everything had this creepy blue low light or dim glow. I had no heartbeat and my skin cooled. I calmed down--this wasnt bad and this wasnt scary. I hadnt been that calm in years, if ever.
Several hours later, when dawn started hitting, it occurred to me that I probably wasnt dead, and that something very fucked up had happened to me. Maybe some sort of seizure or whatever. Regardless, I decided I wanted to die. The whole episode removed fear and kind of displayed a sort of futility of life to me. If I had really died during all those times I saw, I would have been saved nothing but misery later on, not only of all the friends and loved ones that had died afterward, but also because during interim time between those fantasy deaths and now I knew that I eventually went crazy. If the events of the past 2 years, and especially the events of the previous several hours had told me anything true, it was that my head was getting worse. If that night had been a preview of what the future held for my head, I fucking wanted out now.
I was still mentally out of it a bit. I concocted a plan to die and quickly planned it out, but I knew I needed to leave some sort of note. Like I side, I was still out of it, so it was kind of weird. I sort of set rules when writing it--in short, from what I recall, it was more about mentioning what didnt drive me to do it, but I needed it to be disconnected, single sentences. Keep it really simple. It came out as a weird sort of poem. I printed out a copy if it and left it on my coffee table next to my laptop. I printed out a second copy, folded it up, and put it in my wallet.
Now, to the actual killing myself part. Remember, I was still out of it mentally. Similar to me leaving out the Revelation of the True Nature of Reality several paragraphs above, Im leaving out some details of my suicide plan, but youll get the gist of it. Again, I was out of it, but the calm was burning away into a really hardcore mania. Headache that I could ear. Seeing black lines and motion (but not things) where there was none. I had concocted my suicide plan an hour earlier, when I was still all calm and poetic, and the plan reflected that. The plan was to drive about an hour away to a cliff I had been to a number of times for hiking and to take pictures. It seemed remote enough at the time--off the highway via two different access roads and requiring about a half hour walk. I planned on jumping. Now, that seems unimaginative (remember, I cooked up this plan quickly), but I had injected some poetry into it. I figured the cliff wasnt high enough to kill me on impact, but I planned to jump as though to hit the jagged slope, all the way down. My design was to survive the fall, but break all my limbs on the way down. Once on the ground and completely crippled, I planned to slowly starve or dehydrate to death over days. Alternately (actually not alternately, because this is what I imagined first), I hoped to be torn apart by animals. I wanted a protracted death; I wanted there to be a long time before my final action and when I finally died. For whatever reason, my calm craziness wanted protracted suffering to be a part of my death.
Im sure nobody has read this far and Im getting sick of typing, so Ill wrap this up: I drove about a quarter of the way to where I was going and realized I was too manic to drive. My whole body was shaking and the headache combined with the killer morning sunlight was making it very difficult to keep my eyes open at all. My mind was also increasingly racing. When my head starts racing like that, its usually not good news at all, but here, it convinced me to put off my plan for a few hours, wait to calm down again, and carry it out later. I returned home, took half a dozen Xanax, and woke up late in the evening, calm and sane, wondering WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MY HEAD.
This whole episode has affected me deeply, and I think about the repeated deaths, the "revelations," and the fantasies pretty often. I can't really put any of it behind me. I'd say there are fixations about things that went through my head that I've expanded on a bit since then, even.
User 100115
Banned
Holy crap man.
You mentioned a doctor, did you get checked out? That really, really sounds physical and not mental health related to me. Like you said, I would suspect seizure right off the bat. I've seen people do some insane things after a seizure. Did you get scanned or anything? Is your headache/visual disturbances gone?
That was incredibly fascinating to read. If you don't mind, I'm interested to hear what sort of life revelations you had, the ones you're worried will make you sound insane.
I can't imagine that happening and it's understandable to be affected so greatly by it. Some of that read, particularly how you wanted to die is quite sad and interesting, but I think given some details you said you left out it makes more sense.
Nothing like that episode has happened again right? Do you know if there was anything else about that night that happened? Perhaps something while detained?
Thanks for sharing, really.
I can't imagine that happening and it's understandable to be affected so greatly by it. Some of that read, particularly how you wanted to die is quite sad and interesting, but I think given some details you said you left out it makes more sense.
Nothing like that episode has happened again right? Do you know if there was anything else about that night that happened? Perhaps something while detained?
Thanks for sharing, really.
eddfromtheriver
Banned
Just did, i find it quite peculiar... and i tried to envision my self in your situation as i read.
I hope your situation is improving.
Blah blah blah when you forget the world, the world forgets you. I try to stay known to the world, but yet people still stop talking to me/want to forget me.
Bleh. I guess I have this repulsive aura about me. Oh well. I guess that just means I can be super productive in life without happening people to worry about.
Bleh. I guess I have this repulsive aura about me. Oh well. I guess that just means I can be super productive in life without happening people to worry about.
Easy there. Do you want to tell us what kind of philosophie/perspectives you have thought about? Maybe we can help think of something.
Why not join the chat? I would like to get to know you better (or atleast just talk to you) since from the way you post (this one obv. not including) you seem pretty fun.
D
Deleted member 22576
Unconfirmed Member
Hey dudes and ladies, I'm jtwo. I post a lot but never here.
Anyway, this is the second day of work I've missed in a row, and about the 20th day I've missed this year. I've been on ssris for almost six months now and while initially I perceived the medication to be a positive force I've recently become plagued by drastic fantasies and thoughts. I've already told my father and scheduled an apt with a medical professional, my apt is in 49 minutes actually. I just wonder if anyone has a similar experience of things turning so rotten so quickly. I believe it is the medication that has caused me to experience suicidal urges, nothing else has really changed.. It just kinda happened. I've been faithful about taking my dose each day, and there aren't any external things in my life that contribute.. It just sorta started happening. I actually have a really fun life and beautiful friends so I'm not some basement dwelling crying for help. Just curious if anyone has had medication cause their thought process to inexplicably head towards death and destruction rather than naked ladies and computers.
Anyway, this is the second day of work I've missed in a row, and about the 20th day I've missed this year. I've been on ssris for almost six months now and while initially I perceived the medication to be a positive force I've recently become plagued by drastic fantasies and thoughts. I've already told my father and scheduled an apt with a medical professional, my apt is in 49 minutes actually. I just wonder if anyone has a similar experience of things turning so rotten so quickly. I believe it is the medication that has caused me to experience suicidal urges, nothing else has really changed.. It just kinda happened. I've been faithful about taking my dose each day, and there aren't any external things in my life that contribute.. It just sorta started happening. I actually have a really fun life and beautiful friends so I'm not some basement dwelling crying for help. Just curious if anyone has had medication cause their thought process to inexplicably head towards death and destruction rather than naked ladies and computers.
Reading this left me really disturbed and worried for you. It's hard to get a grip on something like that from the outside though. How do you feel about it now?
Holy crap man.
You mentioned a doctor, did you get checked out? That really, really sounds physical and not mental health related to me. Like you said, I would suspect seizure right off the bat. I've seen people do some insane things after a seizure. Did you get scanned or anything? Is your headache/visual disturbances gone?
I imagine I'll be sent for scans after I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I was scanned and thoroughly checked out about 5 years ago after I had 2 seizures (fairly stereotypical, shaky, no breathing, ~1 minute long) and nothing alarming was found. Not sure of the exact time frame, but within a year of that I had my first full-on manic episode and things have been escalating since then. Before that I was moody and had been treated for depression intermittently. My dad was chronically depressed (and a heavy drinker) and my mom was bipolar, so this was, to an extent, expected.
I've been treated on and off with meds since then, for a while I tended to quit every 6 months because I'd forget how bad things could get and quit taking my meds out of frustration from side effects and wouldn't see a doctor again until I hit some sort of rock bottom. I've been seeing my psychiatrist and psychologist once a week each for the past year-ish because things have gotten really disruptive lately, as I've talked about elsewhere in this thread.
I swept this under the rug when it happened because I realized it would cause shit fits all around and I didn't want to deal with it at the time, plus I generally downplay the suicide/death obsession because I've had -those- talks with therapists too many times already. Things are suitably bad at the moment that I think it's cromulent to tell them this whole story. I tried to yesterday but it quickly became apparent this was more of a thing to write down and not try to spit out off the top of my head.
If I'm at my worst I'll see movement that isn't happening, or visually sense movement that isn't there. It's not too bad. Those headaches I hear more than feel have happened, but never to the extent above. Also at my worst, I have a preternatural ability to run into cops and do stupid shit. Nothing like the "epiphany" type stuff or seeing the past death thing vividly (in my head).
re: the secret of life stuff, I'm not sure I'm capable of finding a starting point. It's all bizarre and circular and, uh, really bizarre. It made sense at the time, though. Like mind-blowing head orgasm sense. I realize it's nonsense now and all, but what I still find fascinating is that I don't know where in my head it came from. Stuff like seeing myself die repeatedly, that was just a warping of past memories and desires, and in hindsight I can see how my head slapped the components of that part together. Not so the other stuff. I've been trying to mentally go back over everything I've ever read to try and locate a precursor to a lot of that stuff.
Thanks for reading. I'm glad the effort of putting that together was worthwhile for some people.
Agent Cooper
Member
you got up today and maybe got dressed and maybe ate some food and i'm proud of you!!!!
Doctor appointment in the morning. I'm not really expecting much from it but everyone around me is saying that I have to do something, even beg for pain medication (which barely scratches the surface of the symptoms this illness can cause). I've basically deteriorated to a state of non-functionality, crying every day. My mom's been worried for a month that I'll off myself from the pain and indeed, just to keep myself going, I very carefully remove all thoughts of the future from my head, because it's really too terrifying to think about.
The joints in my fingers are starting to hurt. They could be next, finally costing me the ability to play the piano (among other things). It's taking everything from me, one slow piece at a time.
The joints in my fingers are starting to hurt. They could be next, finally costing me the ability to play the piano (among other things). It's taking everything from me, one slow piece at a time.
User 100115
Banned
Yeah, at this point, especially with synesthesia happening and you having seizures in your past, I am not going to be surprised if they find something when you get scanned. I would push for that above all things. And hey, maybe it will be a fairly simple fix in the end, an anti-seizure medication or an operation. Good luck man, and keep us posted, seriously.
I hope the session did you well man. You're a good dude. It's funny because, where I live I feel like the basement dweller with not much else going on. It's a perception, I know it's not necessarily true and I'm doing stuff to change that self image.
Agreed. Thanks a lot for sharing I found it all very interesting. The reason I asked about the life cycle stuff was studying philosophy years ago I'd think about this stuff a lot so nothing really sounds that outlandish anymore. Wish the best for you man.
For what it's worth, since then I have been on meds, and have had things switched around a bit. I'm on antipsychotics and my mood stabilizer is also an anti-convulsant. I'm pretty okay with my meds, although there's still adjusting to be done. I haven't had anything near that episode in March. My problems of the past two months are largely, I think, from persistent mania and fallout from that.
Yep, definitely. I was suicidal for a week or two (I honestly can't remember) after starting my first anti-depressant, Cipralex, last year. Having insomnia and not sleeping a wink for those first 3 days was real helpful to my situation, too.
you got up today and maybe got dressed and maybe ate some food and i'm proud of you!!!!
I ate around 3pm, an hour after I got up. It's 11pm now and I haven't eaten since and I don't feel hungry... :/
ClassyPenguin
Banned
"I am college student"
They say some people are quiet, because they feel like they haven't got much to say. I think that truly is the case with me. Half of the stuff that goes through my head comes out as incoherent drivel. I'd be better of as a mute, at least then I couldn't make an arse of myself.
Yeah but then we wouldn't get to hear your awesome voice! And frankly, I need you around to pile on Bagels!
That is...not so much with the true. We all like talking to you! You're a super awesome guy, despite the fact that you're super mean to me and I sometimes cry!
Oh please.
Besides, we've all seen Angry Bagels (tm pending) now and know that your pouty bluster is but an act!This is actually the case for me. Lots of times it takes me so long to process what I want to say, or what I should say that the conversation moves away from that topic so I drop it, or think too much about it and confuse myself and say nothing again. Not a bad thing for me, since I rarely have anything to add to conversations. I've accepted that I'll pretty much always be "the quiet guy"
Darkmakaimura
Can You Imagine What SureAI Is Going To Do With Garfield?
I feel this way too. I hate even having to talk. I feel stupid pretty much all the time.
BTW, off topic but your avatar rocks. LOL Broyles on LSD.
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
You two are just introverts: our minds work differently. We need to process a little longer. There's nothing wrong with that.
Not feeling so good about myself today. Seeing I'm taking my meds as usually I'm not sure why it hit me. Even starting graduate school in a few weeks isn't enough for me to stay positive and happy. Maybe it's the stress of change? I've also been rejected a handful of times by women on OkCupid recently, but that's nothing new. I suppose I expected too much of a positive reaction going to grad school now.
Feeling like a loser and unnattractive. Mostly 'forever alone' syndrome.
Agent Cooper
Member
do u wanna fuckin fight
I feel this way too. It's why I think I ended up gravitating to writing so much; I communicate much easier through written word because I have more time to collect my thoughts. I'm more clever even!
Still, it is awesome to talk to people. Try for long enough, and you'll eventually find those who don't mind if you're a little quiet. For me, the only time being quiet really sucks is talking to women. This is pretty much me when talking to a girl I like. lol
Same. All of it.
I think something is wrong with me. I have no idea what else to do, so I'm going to post here. I'll try to keep this short, but may be a bit rambly so I hit all the important points. Hopefully I don't forget anything.
I graduated college in May with a BS in Computer Science, and am now back in my parents' house for now until I find a job. I've been looking for a job, had only one interview, and have not had much luck. I try to apply for jobs on the internet, but nobody contacts me. I honestly think it is because I am not good enough, and there's long expanses of time (days or weeks) where I don't apply for any jobs because I am nervous about it and don't think I am good enough or smart enough for them. The one job I had the interview for, there was one other applicant, and about a week later, they called me and told me they were "moving on with other applicants." Once again, I'm basically worthless, and this was an entry level job and I wasn't even close to getting in. During the interview, they talked about what the second interview would be like if I were to make it that far, so I knew there was more stages before I would be offered the job.
I don't feel like I am smart enough, and that is crippling me in trying to go for a job.
I'm going to Austin tomorrow (or I guess today technically) for two reasons. I'm going to apply for jobs in person, as well as attend the Dota 2 Pubstomp to watch the International (big Dota 2 tournament for those that don't know what that is). Even though I've booked the hotel already, I'm already thinking about cancelling the trip even though there are cancellation fees, because I just do not think I can apply for jobs with any success and it will just be a waste of time. Nobody wants me because I don't have experience, and I'm not smart enough anyway.
My girlfriend, who loves me very much, is trying to tell me that I am depressed, and I really don't want to be depressed. I want to be normal, I should be normal. I really don't want to take any anti-depressants either, because I saw what it did to my ex-girlfriend, and I don't want to end up like her.
Obviously, since I don't have a job, if I were to go to a doctor, my parents would be footing the bill, and I feel embarrassed talking to them about it at all. I feel like they won't take me seriously. Already I feel like my father hardly takes me seriously ever since I told my parents the truth that I'm an atheist (they are Catholic). There was one time about a year ago, the day after we took my sister to her college. We went out to eat that night, came back home, and my dad and I were the first ones in the door. It was a Saturday night, and my dad tells me that he thinks I should go to church with them the next day. I ask why, and he begins to guilt trip me about my grandmother worrying (my grandfather died about a month before this happened). I ask him how this is different than any other Sunday, where I haven't gone to church with them, and he doesn't give me a straight answer, just saying I should go this time for some reason. We argue about it for a bit, and then as he leaves the room, he says "I know you think you don't believe in any of this stuff, but I used to be just like you, so just keep your ears open. You're going through a phase." He thinks my beliefs are just a bullshit "phase" and that pisses me off to no end.
I went to a psychologist two years ago for a bit, but I didn't feel like it helped. He was the pastor of a church, and I didn't particularly care for him. Part of my issues back then was my at-the-time-girlfriend having difficulty dealing with my beliefs as well as whether I should tell my parents the truth or not.
I'm seriously considering cancelling the trip to Austin, just because I feel like I can't do it.
I graduated college in May with a BS in Computer Science, and am now back in my parents' house for now until I find a job. I've been looking for a job, had only one interview, and have not had much luck. I try to apply for jobs on the internet, but nobody contacts me. I honestly think it is because I am not good enough, and there's long expanses of time (days or weeks) where I don't apply for any jobs because I am nervous about it and don't think I am good enough or smart enough for them. The one job I had the interview for, there was one other applicant, and about a week later, they called me and told me they were "moving on with other applicants." Once again, I'm basically worthless, and this was an entry level job and I wasn't even close to getting in. During the interview, they talked about what the second interview would be like if I were to make it that far, so I knew there was more stages before I would be offered the job.
I don't feel like I am smart enough, and that is crippling me in trying to go for a job.
I'm going to Austin tomorrow (or I guess today technically) for two reasons. I'm going to apply for jobs in person, as well as attend the Dota 2 Pubstomp to watch the International (big Dota 2 tournament for those that don't know what that is). Even though I've booked the hotel already, I'm already thinking about cancelling the trip even though there are cancellation fees, because I just do not think I can apply for jobs with any success and it will just be a waste of time. Nobody wants me because I don't have experience, and I'm not smart enough anyway.
My girlfriend, who loves me very much, is trying to tell me that I am depressed, and I really don't want to be depressed. I want to be normal, I should be normal. I really don't want to take any anti-depressants either, because I saw what it did to my ex-girlfriend, and I don't want to end up like her.
Obviously, since I don't have a job, if I were to go to a doctor, my parents would be footing the bill, and I feel embarrassed talking to them about it at all. I feel like they won't take me seriously. Already I feel like my father hardly takes me seriously ever since I told my parents the truth that I'm an atheist (they are Catholic). There was one time about a year ago, the day after we took my sister to her college. We went out to eat that night, came back home, and my dad and I were the first ones in the door. It was a Saturday night, and my dad tells me that he thinks I should go to church with them the next day. I ask why, and he begins to guilt trip me about my grandmother worrying (my grandfather died about a month before this happened). I ask him how this is different than any other Sunday, where I haven't gone to church with them, and he doesn't give me a straight answer, just saying I should go this time for some reason. We argue about it for a bit, and then as he leaves the room, he says "I know you think you don't believe in any of this stuff, but I used to be just like you, so just keep your ears open. You're going through a phase." He thinks my beliefs are just a bullshit "phase" and that pisses me off to no end.
I went to a psychologist two years ago for a bit, but I didn't feel like it helped. He was the pastor of a church, and I didn't particularly care for him. Part of my issues back then was my at-the-time-girlfriend having difficulty dealing with my beliefs as well as whether I should tell my parents the truth or not.
I'm seriously considering cancelling the trip to Austin, just because I feel like I can't do it.
Don't cancel! As far as your job search goes, you'll never know if you would have gotten the job if you never apply in the first place. The job market is still a little rough, so as much as it sucks to be rejected time and time again, it's definitely one area where you unfortunately just have to hang in there and keep applying applying applying until you get the job. Don't try to dwell too much on the rejections and just keep forging ahead with applications. I'm in a similar position as you are so I definitely empathize with you on how tedious, frustrating, and mentally exhausting the entire process can be. Are there any family/friends that work in any CS-related field that you could network with to get a job that way? And not to sound overwhelmingly pessimistic because that's definitely not my intent, but if things don't work out in the long-term, you can always get a less desirable job while starting your own little side projects. Make a small android app, build a website, etc. They don't have to be these amazingly huge projects, but even small projects can help pad your resume, give you something to talk about during interviews, and keep your CS skills intact.
If you're at least curious/want to learn a little more about antidepressants you should probably talk to Bagels, our local drug lord, since he seems to be really knowledgeable about them. Is there anything else about your parents that makes you think they wouldn't take you seriously about seeing/paying for a doctor? Like outside of you being atheist, are you generally on good terms with them? Because if you are then you should just take a shot at talking with them about it. Maybe get your sister to speak a few good words for you too.
Anyways, don't cancel that trip! At the very least go and enjoy the Dota 2 Pubstomp
Sometimes a little fun can momentarily change your outlook on life and you can take advantage of that boost in happiness to get some serious work done.shanshan310
Member
Hi guys, I'm not really sure where to post this or whether to post this at all but I just don't know who I can talk to. I lost my uncle to suicide about a year ago and it's becoming more and more apparent that I am not coping well at all. As it turns out repression isn't a great strategy long term. I don't want to bring my friends down by discussing it but I feel weird talking to my family about it too (they didn't want to go into detail with me about it), and since much of my family was affected more than I was (his wife and kids mostly, but also my parents) and knew him better I don't feel like I'm entitled to be too sad at all. But whenever people talk about suicide or see advertisements or anything I start getting dizzy like to pass out. I'm worried that this final memory has tainted my time spent with someone I always looked up to as happy-go-lucky and living the dream. I'm sorry if this is the wrong place or if this is only meant to be for people dealing with depression.
Is the stuff going through your head coherent? Do all you guys have an inner voice in your head that is pretty much non stop?
DJ Lushious
Member
I've just been prescribed Lithium. The psychiatrist thinks that my long running depression, and little help from anti-depressants, could be Bipolar II. I am also currently on Wellbutrin.
Can anyone here give a first-hand account of what I can expect from Lithium? What kind of mental changes can I expect or should I look out for?
Can anyone here give a first-hand account of what I can expect from Lithium? What kind of mental changes can I expect or should I look out for?
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