Dating-Age |OT4| Realise You're Living in the Golden Years
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A Human Becoming
More than a Member
Her perspective seems to be that grap3fruitman first needs more exposure to being around people before he can actually socialize with them.
I recommend something like: "Okay, let me know when you feel able to meet up. Get better soon!"
I'm sorry to hear that. Yes, you have to take the high road here, no pissy behavior on your part. Something, like, "oh that sucks, I hope you feel better. Let's get together soon when you're feeling better, go out and have a good time."
This happens to everyone and it could be that she's legitimately sick or she's now hesitant to see you. For whatever reason. There could be a thousand of those. It's happened to me, hell one woman rescheduled while I was at the date site. Her son got sick unexpectedly. Turns out she was a very sweet person and we actually dated for about six months. People do get sick around date times, unfortunately.
Grape, this is not the thread for you. Not to get you out of the thread, but you're incapable of dating. You have to be able enjoy being around other people to enjoy the company tbe company of a girlfriend, right? If you get no joy from social interaction at all, a girlfriend is not gonna happen. This HAS to change if you want to go forward. And this does mean therapy. How will you be able to follow advice from strangers on the internet if you can't open up in therapy? Sorry man, but we're not gonna be able to help you.
About the therapist: it's his job to ask questions. You might have had a lousy therapist. You might just be opposed to him, for whatever reason, just like you're opposed to anything else in your life. But if you want to change, a therapist is your best bet. Shop around till you find one that clicks. Ask around who's decent. But for god sake man, get back into therapy, and give it a chance.
About the therapist: it's his job to ask questions. You might have had a lousy therapist. You might just be opposed to him, for whatever reason, just like you're opposed to anything else in your life. But if you want to change, a therapist is your best bet. Shop around till you find one that clicks. Ask around who's decent. But for god sake man, get back into therapy, and give it a chance.
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
Howard Ballou
Member
Just go outside. Walk around, drive around, whatever. If you see something that piques your interest, go check it out. If someone else is there, ask them some questions about it.
Do you have coworkers, or classmates? After work or class, announce that you're grabbing a drink or a bite to eat, etc. Throw out an open invitation. People won't always be able to go, but they'll know you're game for hanging out.
I'm not, but he said he doesn't know how (or really doesn't even seem to want to know how) to socialize, so...little baby steps. That's what I was going for.
Yeah, that's what I was going for. And sometimes it's just nice to feel like you're a part of something. A crowd of people enjoying the same thing (for example, a movie) along with him might make him feel more at home with interacting.
Met my first gf at the movies when I went and watched a doc that none of my friends wanted to watch.
SpartanForce
Member
So there's this girl that I like, I tried something but she said we should be just friends. Okay them, but she changes moods so fast, sometimes she seems that wants to punch me or something, other times she want to talk a lot with me.
Dunno, I still like her. Should I just bail out and look for another girl?
Dunno, I still like her. Should I just bail out and look for another girl?
She already knows your feelings and she's already said no. If she were interested she would probably tell you. I'd move on.
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
Agreed.
I wish I was busy right now. Not thinking about a girl, anxiously waiting for her to message me, wouldn't be such a problem. Classes and work don't start for another ~10 days. >.<
SpartanForce
Member
You are right.
Yeah I'm just gonna stop talking to her. Don't have another girl to talk at the moment, but is better that feeding platonic love. To be honest the moment I tried it our friendship was ruined so whatever.
forknknife
Banned
I'm not, but he said he doesn't know how (or really doesn't even seem to want to know how) to socialize, so...little baby steps. That's what I was going for.
Yeah, that's what I was going for. And sometimes it's just nice to feel like you're a part of something. A crowd of people enjoying the same thing (for example, a movie) along with him might make him feel more at home with interacting.
I see, I got it wrong then, sorry. Just could not imagine his situation was that bad.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
I think what Time Dogwood said about ego was spot on. I'd also like to add that you need to prepare yourself for a lot of trial & error, and reshaping the way you view failures altogether. There is no such thing as a failure, for that implies that dating has to be this perfect process that you need to 100% as if it's a game.
No, there is no such thing as failure because there's no such thing as winning.
Dating is not a game to be played and won, or at least that's not how you should view it. It's just a part of life to meet people, to enjoy oneself primarily, and to just keep one's eyes open enough to opportunities along with a willingness to seek them out in the name of curiosity.
No, there is no such thing as failure because there's no such thing as winning.
Dating is not a game to be played and won, or at least that's not how you should view it. It's just a part of life to meet people, to enjoy oneself primarily, and to just keep one's eyes open enough to opportunities along with a willingness to seek them out in the name of curiosity.
posting this because i'm so pissed at myself was at a bar with friends girl come up and starting asking us baseball questions (i know nothing about baseball) then started playing with a couple of us talking about her swing. I completely didn't close i'm so pissed right now and my friends weren't any help.
This also seals the question of if i just go to bars solo from now on.
this was probably the worst i did nothing yet, because it was closing time and i could have been like "can you tell me more about baseball" and she would have went for it
hoping this is wake up call that get's me to be aggressive.
This also seals the question of if i just go to bars solo from now on.
this was probably the worst i did nothing yet, because it was closing time and i could have been like "can you tell me more about baseball" and she would have went for it
hoping this is wake up call that get's me to be aggressive.
Had a Speed Dating event last night. It was much better than the other event I mentioned a couple of days ago (much more organized, better age group, etc.), though still kind of mixed about it overall.
I guess I had a good time, but it is really hard to get to know someone in that environment. I think we only had ~6 minutes to talk to each girl. By the time the conversation was getting good, we'd be moving on to the next girl. Makes it really hard for me to know if I had a "connection" with anyone. I had good conversations with all of them, but that's not surprising (I generally am like that with everybody). No one really stood out, one way or the other.
After the event, you're supposed to say Yes or No to each of the girls online (if both people say Yes, you'll be able to contact each other, etc.). I was tempted to put No on each since none of them stood out, and because I could get the next speed dating event for free, but I ended up just picking my Top 5 (out of 10 total), and giving them a Yes. Not sure I would even want to go to another one, so the free invite wasn't really that big of a deal. Worse comes to worst, maybe some new friends.
My icebreaker question was:
"Alpacas....or sloths?"
Surprised how many people didn't know what one...or both animals were (one thought they were local to the area or something). Fun times though. Pretty sure I made each of the girls laugh (usually multiple times), so guess it is reassuring to know that about myself.
One girl liked my question, and asked me for more weird questions. "Crap....I only had that one planned." I scrambled in my head and asked if she would rather have a house made of cheese or chocolate (I think I remember something similar to that in the OKC thread). Thanks GAF!
I guess I had a good time, but it is really hard to get to know someone in that environment. I think we only had ~6 minutes to talk to each girl. By the time the conversation was getting good, we'd be moving on to the next girl. Makes it really hard for me to know if I had a "connection" with anyone. I had good conversations with all of them, but that's not surprising (I generally am like that with everybody). No one really stood out, one way or the other.
After the event, you're supposed to say Yes or No to each of the girls online (if both people say Yes, you'll be able to contact each other, etc.). I was tempted to put No on each since none of them stood out, and because I could get the next speed dating event for free, but I ended up just picking my Top 5 (out of 10 total), and giving them a Yes. Not sure I would even want to go to another one, so the free invite wasn't really that big of a deal. Worse comes to worst, maybe some new friends.
My icebreaker question was:
"Alpacas....or sloths?"
Surprised how many people didn't know what one...or both animals were (one thought they were local to the area or something). Fun times though. Pretty sure I made each of the girls laugh (usually multiple times), so guess it is reassuring to know that about myself.
One girl liked my question, and asked me for more weird questions. "Crap....I only had that one planned." I scrambled in my head and asked if she would rather have a house made of cheese or chocolate (I think I remember something similar to that in the OKC thread). Thanks GAF!
Only bad thing is that since I kept saying the same things about alpacas and sloths, I stopped thinking about my planned responses, and I ended up saying this to a girl:
"The only thing about alpacas is that they'll claw your face off!"
She gives me a puzzled look, and says,
"Alpacas...don't have claws."
"SLOTHS! I MEANT SLOTHS! WHY DID I SAY ALPACAS!?"
Got to be careful with those repetitive responses.
"The only thing about alpacas is that they'll claw your face off!"
She gives me a puzzled look, and says,
"Alpacas...don't have claws."
"SLOTHS! I MEANT SLOTHS! WHY DID I SAY ALPACAS!?"
Got to be careful with those repetitive responses.
And just to finish things off, I did a "Speed Friending" event tonight (the last event of this kind that I signed up for). Kind of like speed dating, but more casual, and as the name implies, more for finding friends (you talk to guys and girls). Think I enjoyed it the most of the 3 "dating" things I went to, and definitely had a lot of fun. Seems very much like you're just having fun with friends/co-workers/etc., except these are all people you probably didn't know a few hours earlier in the day.
I still don't think this kind of thing is for me when it comes to finding someone to date though. These club/bar settings don't really help. Yeah, I said I'd be OK with someone who just drinks socially, but I lose any attraction I have for these girls when I get up close and smell the alcohol in their drink (almost as bad as cigarette smoke to me). Again, cool to hang out with, but I don't see myself asking anyone out on a date through these kind of events.
Will stick to online dating, and just meeting people in real life (through other Meetups maybe).
I still don't think this kind of thing is for me when it comes to finding someone to date though. These club/bar settings don't really help. Yeah, I said I'd be OK with someone who just drinks socially, but I lose any attraction I have for these girls when I get up close and smell the alcohol in their drink (almost as bad as cigarette smoke to me). Again, cool to hang out with, but I don't see myself asking anyone out on a date through these kind of events.
Will stick to online dating, and just meeting people in real life (through other Meetups maybe).
grap3fruitman
Banned
I guess suicide is the best option after all then, isn't it? What's the point of being a depressed mess for another 60, 70, 80 years? Right?
What ego? I don't think I have one. I'm pretty sure I have the exact opposite of an ego and let people walk all over me.
stn
Member
Suicide? Dude, no. Stop being selfish, okay? You think life is bad because you don't have friends? What would you say if you were starving and missing your legs? You have an ego because you're not willing to admit that your view on life is wrong.
And you're still not trying anything. What have you tried this past week in terms of meeting people? I assume nothing. Of course your situation sucks when you're not doing anything to improve it. You have told me where you live, I'm going to search GAF and see about meet-ups in that area. If any exist you should attend. Also, watch this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZYsyp7imi8
And you're still not trying anything. What have you tried this past week in terms of meeting people? I assume nothing. Of course your situation sucks when you're not doing anything to improve it. You have told me where you live, I'm going to search GAF and see about meet-ups in that area. If any exist you should attend. Also, watch this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZYsyp7imi8
grap3fruitman i feel the same way sometimes. i'd love to die. done with it all. counting your blessings while you're high really helps though and can make you feel better. puts things in perspective. everybody copes differently. for me I fight it head on and attack it with anger. there are places you'll fit in dude. you just got to find them. I have so many friends and positive interactions with people on a daily basis. I wanted that and I perused it and I have it now. Sometimes you finally get what you've been after and that's not it. You need to start loving yourself before others do. Realize you're a fucking warrior and you have a lot of love to give. just give it and not give a fuck. come to the depressed thread if you'd like to talk more man.
Okay but how do you do this?
1. Fuck.
2. What? I don't understand what this means.
3a. What the hell is a club?
3b. Go where? And do what?
I haven't been in school for like six or seven years. Even then, I didn't make a single friend. How is it supposedly "easy?"
find the spot where people who are fucked up hang out. you'll find it. street kids, mentally ill, homeless, punks, gang kids, etc. go there, get high as fuck and just start talking to people. you'll be rejected at first but keep fighting. go there everyday and get drunk. you'll meet people and everything outside the friends you'll make in the neighborhood will mean shit. all the pressure will go away and what you're coveting now wont mean shit anymore. you wont give a fuck anymore because people who are real WILL ALWAYS have your back.
Your ego trying to peek through again and argue and make yourself into a victim or martyr. You are being dishonest with those you interact with on here, and with yourself. You are selectively quoting me and interpreting what I say disingenuously. Suicide is not the best option, I never said or even implied this, the best option is letting go of your ego. If you don't like anything, then you have no reason to reply to me right now. You have nothing to be depressed about. Someone who doesn't like ANYTHING cannot be depressed. Cannot want friends. Cannot want a girlfriend.
What you need to do is really, really, really insanely easy, but it's also really, really, really fucking hard because you've been practicing NOT doing it for your entire life. Let go.
By the way, I don't mean ego as in egotistical. I mean ego as in your sense of self. The narrative you build around yourself as a defense mechanism. Your ego is the part of you that is reading this post and trying to think of a reply right now to paint yourself as a victim, discount what I'm saying, or otherwise make excuses. Your ego is the part of you that read that last sentence and got kinda mad because I said "make excuses", and wants to argue about it.
Realize that your ego and these defense mechanisms have not helped you in any way to achieve your social goals. They have not helped you in any way to feel better about yourself (you admit to being very depressed). Realize that occupying the same headspace that you are in now has a very small chance of future success, if the past is anything to go by. If you can admit these things are true, without argument (either in your head or directed at me), then you have will have started on your journey to removing the influence of negative ego. Then it's just a matter of continuing on that same track of realization and trying to change your behavior.
Like I said, letting go of your ego is super fucking hard, so here's a first step--continue to post in this thread and threads like it, but:
1. Stop arguing with people who give suggestions. Even if someone suggest something weird that you're not into like going to an skydiving convention to meet new friends, simply thank them, NON SARCASTICALLY for trying to help you. Do not argue. An argument, or making an excuse about why you cannot do something IS NOT GOING TO HELP YOU FURTHER YOUR GOALS. It will only make things worse, as it has been doing. Do not argue.
2. Point out posts or parts of posts that you liked, thought were funny, agreed with, etc. This will probably be hard for you, but try quoting someone's helpful response to you in the last couple days of this thread and saying something positive. ("I agree with this", "thanks for the suggestion", etc).
Just those 2 things for now. Can you do at least those 2 things?
Some more questions that might help in some way:
If you don't enjoy anything at all, what exactly do you spend your day doing? The common answer people give to this question in counselling is 'nothing'. But that's never true. You're always choosing to do something, hour by hour, even if it's sitting down looking at a computer. So what exactly do you do?
Also, how long were you in therapy for and what exactly was 'stupid' about the questions you were being asked?
stn
Member
Its selfish because you just want to wallow in pity and think your life is the worst because you don't have friends. If your major problem in life is that you don't have friends then you've had it okay. Its difficult not to have friends but there are people out there dying, starving, being killed, and suffering.
And again, you're asking me what you should do to change your life. Back in a loop again, are we? I actually think you should go volunteer for something. It allows you to meet people and helping others will enrich your soul. You're too selfish to see that now but it would be great for you. Giving your time to others and learning about people is what you need, not a girlfriend.
To be honest, with your current state-of-mind you wouldn't last in a relationship at all. The girl would take wind of your depression and flee, man. And yes, what one user has said is true: you haven't been thankful to anyone here for their advice. All I have seen you do is be sarcastic and/or rude.
You need to become positive. And you can start by doing it with the people in this thread. So, let me ask you a question: if I took the time to research volunteer opportunities in your area, would you actually go?
I'm on vacation until I go back to the grueling schedule of law school, I don't want to browse the internet endlessly if you're not even going to try anything I find.
NeOak
Member
He's attention whoring while staying on the same loop. He needs professional help.
Last pages seem more like "grap3fruitman Counseling |OT| I don't listen to any of you yadda yadda" than the dating thread.
Combine all over again :/
Commander Jameson
Member
Could I ask a question please? It came up in another thread, but I thought I'd check in with the experts in here.
How do you know the difference when a girl is just being friendly or is actually flirting with you?
How do you know the difference when a girl is just being friendly or is actually flirting with you?
Omegasquash
Member
Body language, and asking questions. Hell, you can usually tell just by eye contact.
Count Dookkake
Member
You find out by taking some sort of action.
NeOak
Member
Get some distance from them for a while too. Otherwise you'll get punched again.
beat
Member
Yeah, probably good advice. Too bad we're in a small subcommunity in the city.
New milestone- message conversation on OKC! She's a nice, albeit timid girl who mentioned she opens up after a while, though we'll see. Otherwise the smalltalk has been pretty boring, which is NOT a situation I thought I'd find myself in! Interesting to see what it's like on the other side of the fence, though I'm really happy with myself for even getting this problem at all.
There was excellent advice earlier about always keeping your options open. Don't give yourself any time to dwell on any unreplied messages and just keep active as opportunity knocks. Glad I caught that lesson early!
There was excellent advice earlier about always keeping your options open. Don't give yourself any time to dwell on any unreplied messages and just keep active as opportunity knocks. Glad I caught that lesson early!
xXBetter Off DadXx
Member
My friend decided he was going to make me an Okcupid profile, after bugging me about it for quite awhile with me not interested enough to go forward.
So now he's got it ready to go, and he's saying he's going to screen the replies I get and then forward the ones to me he thinks I'll like. Something about that doesn't feel right to me, as I feel he'll skip past girls that I would pick, since we have different standards and personals preferences.
Anyone ever had a friend do something like this for them?
General thoughts?
So now he's got it ready to go, and he's saying he's going to screen the replies I get and then forward the ones to me he thinks I'll like. Something about that doesn't feel right to me, as I feel he'll skip past girls that I would pick, since we have different standards and personals preferences.
Anyone ever had a friend do something like this for them?
General thoughts?
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
I think him making the profile for you is okay, but not screening the messages. Tell him you'll take it from there.
Despite telling myself I wouldn't text the girl I met up with a couple weeks to hang out again until Saturday, I did tonight as I'll be in her area Wednesday...well 25 minutes away from her area instead of the usual 45. I'm not happy with myself for caving in, but I'll become much busier starting next week and I don't want her to lose interest. I want to at least get a second "date", damn it; That's what really irks me. That said, I wouldn't mind just being her friend.
beat
Member
No, I made my own OKC profile and then proceeded to never use it because of a couple of reasonable-at-the-time factors. Anyways, no, if someone made the profile for you that's fine but I agree with A Human Becoming, you should read the replies yourself.
xXBetter Off DadXx
Member
Yeah that's what was thinking too, thanks for the feedback!
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
Sadly because the streaming selection sucks right now, all I can recommend is The Breakfast Club.
Burger_Baron
Member
Ok GAF, I'm in the need of some advice here, and I don't know if somebody has this problem already cause didn't read.
Some background first:
Basically I live in Finland, where people are shy as hell and you need to have regular talks with a person for 2 weeks before the conversation starts to go smoothly. My looks aren't that bad,i can keep the conversation up. I just haven't had enough self-confidence to speak up to girls, and i have had a point in life where a girlfriend would have been more of a burden than a blessing.
Now,to the real deal: I red these forums through and found some good advices. I first tried to make eye contact with girls,but nobody is looking at me. And if they are,when i look back, they just turn their head away as quickly as possible.
At this point i was like: "Fuck it,i ain't pussy like this. I'm going to take this to the next level and go talk to them." Now, the plan in it's simplicity was this: Find a pretty girl from the street, go greet her, and tell her how pretty she is. The results were surprising. Either they stated that it was the first time someone has so boldly come face with them,and said something as kind as that. Or they just started laughing in that "Oh god,what the fuck just happened"-way. It always makes me feelsgood.jpg at the end of the day.
But the problem is they are almost every time reserved. Now I am asking if GAF would know where could i find, preferably 17-23 years old girls, who might not have a bf? Mind you, it has to be an place with an exit-route if things go haywire, and i don't like bars. Have tried stations (Bus,Train) But they usually are waiting for their boyfriends to pick them up.
Some background first:
Basically I live in Finland, where people are shy as hell and you need to have regular talks with a person for 2 weeks before the conversation starts to go smoothly. My looks aren't that bad,i can keep the conversation up. I just haven't had enough self-confidence to speak up to girls, and i have had a point in life where a girlfriend would have been more of a burden than a blessing.
Now,to the real deal: I red these forums through and found some good advices. I first tried to make eye contact with girls,but nobody is looking at me. And if they are,when i look back, they just turn their head away as quickly as possible.
At this point i was like: "Fuck it,i ain't pussy like this. I'm going to take this to the next level and go talk to them." Now, the plan in it's simplicity was this: Find a pretty girl from the street, go greet her, and tell her how pretty she is. The results were surprising. Either they stated that it was the first time someone has so boldly come face with them,and said something as kind as that. Or they just started laughing in that "Oh god,what the fuck just happened"-way. It always makes me feelsgood.jpg at the end of the day.
But the problem is they are almost every time reserved. Now I am asking if GAF would know where could i find, preferably 17-23 years old girls, who might not have a bf? Mind you, it has to be an place with an exit-route if things go haywire, and i don't like bars. Have tried stations (Bus,Train) But they usually are waiting for their boyfriends to pick them up.
T
Transhuman
Unconfirmed Member
Mr.Fresh new start.
Blue Valentine is there if you want to suffer: it's a tale about a relationship that starts with love and ends years later in boredom, betrayal and hate. I'm not spoiling you the ending since the movie is built on flashbacks and flash-forwards.
A great movie is Macho: it's basically how 500 days of summer would look had it be done right.
Leaving Las Vegas is another depressing movie. A guy decides to end his life by killing himself drinking alcohol: as luck would have it, he meets the love of his life.
If you want something to shake you a bit you can watch the Vicious Kind (there's Adam Scott) which depicts a love triangle between two brothers and a sort-of-emo looking girl, so it may hit a bit too close to home. Don't know if it will be a good or a bad thing for you, but it's a great movie.
If you like Parker Posey you can watch Broken English, probably the only American movie where French people don't look like a bunch of douchebags. Well, at least the main character doesn't. But I warn you in advance almost every French guy in this movie wears a fedora. It's a really cool movie about approaching girls in the most harmless way possible. "I'm naew tchrowble".
There's also Personal Velocity. It's an episodic movie divided in three stories, basically tells relationships from the point of view of girls. The cool thing about this movie is that the men are not described as pigs who just want one thing: the movie is more about how you come to decide that the rhythm of your life fits perfectly or not at all the life as a couple. It may be really eye-opening, especially the second episode with Parker Posey.
If you want something to really depress yourself there's Love, the hard way with the usual cool-as-f*** Adrien Brody. It's a movie that describes a very intense relationship between a pimp/con-artist and a med-school grad: I warn you, it's really really really depressing, but if you had a great love story and you want to wallow a bit this is the perfect movie. It's also an excellent bait for girls: show this movie to a girl who comes to your house and I guarantee you you'll get hot smooching. She's probably going to think about Brody while she kisses you, BUT WHO CARES!
Baron, first: welcome. Second: props on having the guts to approach girls in plain day. That's even more scary then approaching girls in clubs.
Third: I assume you are a foreigner? I have friends who live in Finland and the first thing they told me is that people don't have the culture of chit-chatting. They are reserved and don't open up unless they know you, as you already noticed. Your only chance is to find a group of people to hang out with (from school, work, amateur theatre) and then start from there. Specifically, girls overthere have a very strong intellectual drive and to be approached like that on the street is not only unusual and weird for them, but makes them feel tacky to accept compliments or invitations to grab a coffee.
Since you can approach girls that easily, you won't have much difficulty getting a group of friends, but yeah you will give yourself A LOT of hard-times if you try to pick-up girls on the street.
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