I can't sleep. There's too much going through my head. It's one of those nights, combined with being sick and not taking to the antibiotics too well.
As usual, everything that jb says gives me lots to think about, and kicks my mind into higher gear. I've been working on this big post about jb and having healthy relationships and all this stuff (too much stuff, as usual) for over a week now, and maybe it's time to try to actually make it into something. I've snipped a bunch of stuff that was either too personal or belongs in another post. I'm tying to keep my epic word counts
slightly lower.
-snipped a bunch of stuff-
I talk to jb in chat, on twitter, by text, or on our voice chat almost every day. And I was going through how awful this whole thing was after I got the Lyme Diseases diagnosis. And he was being the great friend that he is and listening and being appropriately sympathetic and, man, could I be a bigger asshole?
[Disclaimer: So this next part is the "but others have it worse, so you can't talk!" fallacy. It's a bad way to think, but we all get that way from time to time. It really hit me here because the comparison between Lyme Disease and fibromyalgia is so direct. The first is treatable, easily diagnosed, treated as "real," etc. Fibromyalgia is very hard to diagnose or treat, and isn't even considered a legitimate illness by many people. If you're going to choose one, pick Lyme Disease
Me feeling bad for talking about my "lesser" illness and him possibly complaining to me because he has it worse are both terrible attitudes that we need to work to overcome in here sometimes. I *know* my thinking here was toxic, but I still have this feeling that I should not have dumped on jb like I did.]
I spent basically a few weeks living with the kind of things he has gone through for years, and here he is feeling all sorry for *me*! And I'm saying bullshit like, "my big fear was that the tests would be negative and no one would believe I'm sick and I wouldn't know what to do!" - which is basically his exact situation - and he could not have been kinder and happier for me and all the rest. At no point did he tell me to go fuck myself, which was surely justified. So we talked and I felt better, and then I felt a lot worse because I could not have been more self-centered. I know he'd kill to have something that a few antibiotics, nasty as they are, would clear up. God, I'm just sorry I wasn't a little more aware. A little less self-centered?
But man, what a friend. I needed someone to talk to, and jb is always there for me. Even if the topic is something that hits close to home, like this, and I'm complaining about having it much easier than him, which I was, like the douche I am, he still makes me feel like all he cares about is how I'm doing. I absolutely love him for it.
-snipped-
We talk about "Shattered Mind" a lot, as it means a great deal to both of us. I've gone through the story with him maybe 10 times now, but I never get tired of it. There are many stories there actually, but one I like is how the piece was originally dedicated to "Bagels," and is now dedicated to my actual full name, and jb doesn't call me either of those things today. I like the formality of having a serious piece of music dedicated to my actual full name, but when jb gets a chance to perform it, and if he mentions who it's dedicated to, I think he knows what I'd like him to say.
It’s a silly story, and I’ve told it to a few of you already, but I’ll tell it again anyways. I guess it's no great secret around here that my real name is not, in fact, Bagels (much as I’d like that to be the case - I've grown quite fond of being called Bagels). I go through streaks of sending PMs to people who seem like they need someone to talk to in this thread, and I
usually sign my real name, as a a little sign of trust. So here's how jb and I kinda met:
Hey!
Hang in there, man!
If you ever need to talk, I'm at my parents' place right not, but I'll get your PMs.
We're all in this together.
Peter
All my life, people have asked if I want to go by ‘Pete’ or ‘Peter’ (both of which I actually dislike). I strongly prefer ‘Peter,’ but I didn’t really have an explanation for why I hated ‘Pete’ so much more until just a few years ago. When I go to Maine, where I’m surrounded by people who are officially and unofficially my family, people who I love more than anything, and have known all my life, EVERYONE calls me Pete, and I love it! It took me years to even notice (I had my best friend come to Maine 3 years ago, and she called me Peter at the time, because that's what I told everyone I go by. But she was literally the only person doing it, so she finally screwed up and called me Pete and it totally fit and felt right. We laughed, and I told her to keep doing it, and it ended up meaning a lot to both of us). I finally figured out that the people who have always called me Pete are my closest loved ones. When someone I just met does it, it feels way over the line to me. That’s what my mom and dad call me, and it feels so affectionate. Why is this random stranger doing it?!
So I figured that out and thought about it for a while. Now I end up giving this little speech to people when I feel a certain closeness to them. I tell them they can call me Pete. And it may seem like a small thing, but to me, it’s really not. It's saying, “we’re family.” So if I’ve said that to you, or signed a letter ‘Pete,’ it’s a quick way to know how I feel about you. I don't say it to a lot of people.
The funny thing is, Pete is actually a better name than Peter in many ways. Peter is more formal, so people all tend to say it the same way. But Pete is a nickname, and it's easier to put different inflections on it. So I've been called Pete in this really diminutive, "I don't respect you" way, or a flat "this is your name" way, or in this special way that my family does it that just kills me.
I'm still more comfortable being Bagels than I am Pete to my friends, but it's slowly getting there, and it still means a lot to me to tell people they can call me Pete. Most people still call me Bagels when we voice chat, which is just fine by me. I'm still more comfortable seeing it in writing, but whatever. Anyway, we all go by our internet handles on our mumble server for the most part, but jb
constantly slips and calls me Pete and I laugh every damn time. I dunno, it just feels right. I know he has taken to heart what that silly gesture means to me - he is like a brother to me, more so every day. So when he asks, "How far are you in Ys, Pete?" I dunno, I feel like it means a great deal to both of us.
I've been struggling for a long time to figure out how to tell jb what he means to me, and maybe that's the best I can do. I've given a handful of people the option to call me Pete, like my family does. Jb is the first person outside of my actual family where, if he called me Peter, I'd fucking hate it.
So many of you have come to mean so much to me. Between an earlier tweet and his post, messages have been flying back and forth about jb all day. I don't know if there's anything better than seeing the people you care about care about each other.
Hey jb!
Hang in there, man!
If you ever need to talk, you know how to find me.
We're in this together.
Love,
Pete
