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[MacGurcules]

You know, don't overlook the fact that you have what seems to be some pretty damn good insight into where you're at emotionally. That's not an easy thing for a lot of people.

I think acceptance is a good thing. If you feel like wallowing a bit, go right ahead. It sounds like you have a solid perspective on this relationship and what led up to it as well as being single.

Learn from it, take something from it and take it for what it is, a small chunk of your life... and try not to judge yourself too harshly. Not that this shit doesn't hurt but you'll get through it and I think you know that.

I've always been pretty good at taking a dispassionate stock of my own mentality. I just wish I were better at understanding other people. And I do know things will work out eventually. Even now, I'll forget about her for a few minutes at a time and I'm surprised about how normal I feel when that happens. I know that will eventually become the rule rather than the exception. I'm nothing if not patient.

Still, I appreciate the kind words. Somehow a stranger's reassurance is more comforting than my friends' right now. Their words feel like platitudes. Having an outside voice with nothing in it definitely helps with perspective. Thank you.

 

[CygnusXS]

This is purely hypothetical for me but I have a few questions.

1) how much chivalry is appropriate on a for-real platonic meet up/"date"?

2) how about if it's platonic but I wish it wasn't?

3) and just for completeness' sake, how about if it's platonic and I like it that way but the other person wishes it wasn't?

1)none
2)definitely none
3)still none

 

[todahawk]

I've always been pretty good at taking a dispassionate stock of my own mentality. I just wish I were better at understanding other people. And I do know things will work out eventually. Even now, I'll forget about her for a few minutes at a time and I'm surprised about how normal I feel when that happens. I know that will eventually become the rule rather than the exception. I'm nothing if not patient.

Still, I appreciate the kind words. Somehow a stranger's reassurance is more comforting than my friends' right now. Their words feel like platitudes. Having an outside voice with nothing in it definitely helps with perspective. Thank you.

I don't want to say I've given up on understanding other people but I do have an easier time not judging them and viewing their actions a bit more objectively. Doesn't completely negate the sting from actions that affect me but I think it helps me get past them quicker.
Still completely baffled at times though... like no clue at all as to motivations and such.

You're welcome and you're right, I don't have a stake in this... but I'm glad I could help.

 

[electricshake]

Got a girl's number at a club last night, we danced a lot. I want to text her but my cynical self tells me that the only reason why she danced with me and gave me her number(I asked her for it) is because she was buzzed/drunk(she didn't look drunk at all). Should I text her anyway?

I hate it when a guy asks for my number and then never uses it. If you didn't want it, why did you ask for it? So text her.

Never gone on a blind date before - might be doing it either this Fri or next. Don't know anything about her - only that she's a teacher and my buddy said she's pretty.

Not really on the hunt to get in a relationship; really enjoying my freedom at 24. I've had one short relationship in HS, and a 4yr relationship through college. Been single for almost two years now. Have only been on a couple dates since. I'm comfortable around women and strangers, and not really worried much. Worst case, there's no second date, right? lol. But I figured I may as well give it a shot. Buddy texted me a while ago, admitted it was a random question, but asked if I'd be interested. Turns out she works with his GF (who is also a teacher), they were all talking for like 45 minutes and it moved onto dating. Later that night, my friend's GF said that I would work really well with her, and they set up a blind date. So yeah...

I'm thinking like a 7:30pm dinner at a semi-decent restaurant - maybe $20/plate and some wine. Something quiet but busy. And then luckily she lives right next to the downtown district where there are lots of bars and live music. So if dinner goes well, we could go straight to having a couple drinks and talking/dancing/whatever for a few hours. Then it's close enough I can just walk her home or we can split up whenever, depending on how things go, and I can easily hop in my car and leave.

Thoughts? Or is that way off?

I hope the bolded doesn't mean you're going to be drink driving...

Personally I'm not wild about dinner for a first date, I think a few drinks in the pub is better - alcohol is a good social lubricant plus it is easy for either party to bail if need be, or to extend the date if it's going well.

 

[Vigilant Walrus]

I wanted to ask something that been talked about here before numerous times. The art and curse of jealousy in a relationship.

I am not a jealous person, but I am when it comes to romantic relationships. With the girl I have been dating for a year (she is 21 now) I often become sad as I envision impending doom of her sucking cock on every important/sweet/good lucking guy she comes across. From work, to training, to old friends.

My jealousy is grounded in that (I think) I am probably a little (a lot) jealous of womens value in the dating market. The power they have. And I think this power has convinced my brain that they will jump from one guy to the next if they can up-the-ante. Add to that, that my father was a cheater, I feel so much frustration and almost depression.


The jealousy is never warranted. Sometimes it's understandable, but never warranted. I know this. She is trustworthy. I never caught her in any lie, I think she is a good person, she says she loves me.


I know a truth. A real truth. And that is that I can't do anything about it. A person can cheat at any point with anyone. It could be someone better, someone worse, someone below your standards, someone above yours. So if I can't do anything about it, why does it torment me so?

I don't walk around being afraid of getting hit by a car. I *know* I can get hit by a car any day, but I don't fear it. Having layed in bed thinking about why, why, why many nights, I've come to the conclusion, that I think dating is hard, meeting girls is uncomfortable, and girls who've wanted me have been out of luck. I trust what they say, when they say they love me, yet I don't trust them.

So I become desperate. And it changes my mood. And my girlfriend notices this. She approaches me - What is wrong. She notices I am different. And of course I am. I try really, really hard to surpress the feelings. If I show weakness she losses respect for me. Yet she keeps talking about how she wants to know everything about me. And I tell her - You only wanna know the stuff until the day you lose your respect/feelings out of me.
So, we've been through this insecurity a lot. She has been afraid of losing me as well, but seems better at subduing it. Working in a video game store, she gets hit on all day by guys, and somehow it doesn't get to me. It gets to me when she goes to a party, or when she goes travelling. That's where my imagination fucks me up, and I start making negative realities in my head.



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TL;DR - Have any of you suffered jealousy in a relationship? What did you do to address it. Why do I see infidelity as worse than death, and why do I see my own sexual value as low?



Sorry for the long winded post. It's hard to articulate all the emotions within.

 

[Ghost_Protocol]

And I think this power has convinced my brain that they will jump from one guy to the next if they can up-the-ante.

I think this is kind of universal though isn't it? When you get right down to it, although it sounds awful to say, isn't dating really just settling until you find someone better? Man or woman, if you're in a relationship, and you end up meeting someone that just blows away the person you're with, do you not try and pursue this new person? To at least test for whether there's something there?

 

[Minamu]

I hate it when a guy asks for my number and then never uses it. If you didn't want it, why did you ask for it? So text her.

Almost as bad as when a girl do give you her number, and specifically tells you to contact her the day after, yet goes quiet after a meet up suggestion xD

 

[NeOak]

I wanted to ask something that been talked about here before numerous times. The art and curse of jealousy in a relationship.

I am not a jealous person, but I am when it comes to romantic relationships. With the girl I have been dating for a year (she is 21 now) I often become sad as I envision impending doom of her sucking cock on every important/sweet/good lucking guy she comes across. From work, to training, to old friends.

My jealousy is grounded in that (I think) I am probably a little (a lot) jealous of womens value in the dating market. The power they have. And I think this power has convinced my brain that they will jump from one guy to the next if they can up-the-ante. Add to that, that my father was a cheater, I feel so much frustration and almost depression.


The jealousy is never warranted. Sometimes it's understandable, but never warranted. I know this. She is trustworthy. I never caught her in any lie, I think she is a good person, she says she loves me.


I know a truth. A real truth. And that is that I can't do anything about it. A person can cheat at any point with anyone. It could be someone better, someone worse, someone below your standards, someone above yours. So if I can't do anything about it, why does it torment me so?

I don't walk around being afraid of getting hit by a car. I *know* I can get hit by a car any day, but I don't fear it. Having layed in bed thinking about why, why, why many nights, I've come to the conclusion, that I think dating is hard, meeting girls is uncomfortable, and girls who've wanted me have been out of luck. I trust what they say, when they say they love me, yet I don't trust them.

So I become desperate. And it changes my mood. And my girlfriend notices this. She approaches me - What is wrong. She notices I am different. And of course I am. I try really, really hard to surpress the feelings. If I show weakness she losses respect for me. Yet she keeps talking about how she wants to know everything about me. And I tell her - You only wanna know the stuff until the day you lose your respect/feelings out of me.
So, we've been through this insecurity a lot. She has been afraid of losing me as well, but seems better at subduing it. Working in a video game store, she gets hit on all day by guys, and somehow it doesn't get to me. It gets to me when she goes to a party, or when she goes travelling. That's where my imagination fucks me up, and I start making negative realities in my head.



------

TL;DR - Have any of you suffered jealousy in a relationship? What did you do to address it. Why do I see infidelity as worse than death, and why do I see my own sexual value as low?



Sorry for the long winded post. It's hard to articulate all the emotions within.

You have serious self worth issues, and you project them on your girlfriend with that, uh, graphical description.

You have to realize that right now, she chose you. Out of all the guys. You.

If that changes in the future, so be it. It even could be you the one who decides to jump. But please, don't crap on the present with crap that may or may not happen. You'll regret it later.

 

[Sober]

Sort of a mini-update from my situation, so here it goes:

Man I thought a FWB situation would be easier, or would have just a tad more sex involved. She tells me I'm not doing anything wrong, but she did call me out on my wandering hands. Maybe I'm 'trying too hard' or something, and I probably am sometimes. I mean when we hang out I don't go into it expecting something but I don't know if I just misread a situation and then decide "hey it's time to try to escalate" and I make a fool out of myself - which is probably what is happening.

But for the most part we just hang out and talk. I feel like I need to take some time off from her, mostly because I feel like when we do hang out she does a bunch of the talking; she has more to talk about than me (or my stories feel lame and boring).

Really I don't care if she wants to hold all the cards for sexytime, I just need to learn to go back to hoverhanding if I have to since for the most part she's still a blast to hang out around, she isn't too fickle about scheduling and she's one of the few people that when we talk I don't really have to censor myself too much or I can be a bit more crass around.

So I don't know exactly where I'm going or maybe I'm just typing this to vent because she kinda called me out for being a little creepy or too tryhard for sexytimes when I should know better (I guess I do now). Hope I'm not coming off too bitter.

 

[David Incorporated Esq.]

Hey so I just broke up with a girl on Wednesday, and apparently she spent Thursday-Saturday in bed doped up on pain pills not eating anything (her friends made sure she was okay) and then she showed up at my door at 1:30AM on Saturday drunk as a skunk. I couldn't send her home (she drove) and she wouldn't let me drive her anywhere so she stayed on my couch and we talked all god damn night. Sunday morning she finally accepts that it's over and goes on her way, apparently she was eating okay and everything.

Sunday night at 11PM she calls me asking if it's really over, and how can I push her away so easily, blah blah. I don't know why I picked up the phone.

Any tips on how to deal with this? It's getting freaky.

PS - Also her mom called me asking why I broke up with her and if there's anything we could do to fix it. I basically told her she has no part in the conversation and it's not okay to call.

 

[todahawk]

Hey so I just broke up with a girl on Wednesday, and apparently she spent Thursday-Saturday in bed doped up on pain pills not eating anything (her friends made sure she was okay) and then she showed up at my door at 1:30AM on Saturday drunk as a skunk. I couldn't send her home (she drove) and she wouldn't let me drive her anywhere so she stayed on my couch and we talked all god damn night. Sunday morning she finally accepts that it's over and goes on her way, apparently she was eating okay and everything.

Sunday night at 11PM she calls me asking if it's really over, and how can I push her away so easily, blah blah. I don't know why I picked up the phone.

Any tips on how to deal with this? It's getting freaky.

PS - Also her mom called me asking why I broke up with her and if there's anything we could do to fix it. I basically told her she has no part in the conversation and it's not okay to call.

Tell the girl and her mother that it is over and to please not call, text or come over any more. After that don't answer any calls or texts. If she comes to the door repeat what you said (through the door) and ask her to leave.

She definitely has some issues and the fact that her mom called asking what could be done to fix it is just another red flag.

edit:
1. the whole 'driving over drunk as a skunk' and then camping on your couch? not good... at all. if her mom wants to do something she can help her daughter not endanger lives.
2. if she was that drunk probably not the best time to chat about the relationship either.... she's clearly not getting it. might've been better to just drive her back home.

 

[Prime crotch]

Met a couple of foreign girls the other night, I was talking them up and they seemed nice, probably won't go anywhere but hey at least I'm meeting more and more people.
Thankfully I wasn't raging drunk that night.

 

[David Incorporated Esq.]

Tell the girl and her mother that it is over and to please not call, text or come over any more. After that don't answer any calls or texts. If she comes to the door repeat what you said (through the door) and ask her to leave.

She definitely has some issues and the fact that her mom called asking what could be done to fix it is just another red flag.

edit:
1. the whole 'driving over drunk as a skunk' and then camping on your couch? not good... at all. if her mom wants to do something she can help her daughter not endanger lives.
2. if she was that drunk probably not the best time to chat about the relationship either.... she's clearly not getting it. might've been better to just drive her back home.

That's basically where it's at. I'm just concerned she's going to do something stupid. I guess, though, that it's no longer my issue.

Oh, and I didn't really talk with her about the relationship then, it was much more just keeping her from losing her head and getting her asleep on the couch. We talked much more after she woke up, but there was a whole lot of screaming for a while. If I had driven her back home I think it would have involved me physically shoving her in the car, she's very strong willed and defiant sometimes.

I think I just need to keep enforcing that the separation is final between us, this isn't healthy at all.

PS - She's 27 and her parents live far away, her mom can't do much to stop her (but she can make me super uncomfortable).

 

[todahawk]

That's basically where it's at. I'm just concerned she's going to do something stupid. I guess, though, that it's no longer my issue.

Oh, and I didn't really talk with her about the relationship then, it was much more just keeping her from losing her head and getting her asleep on the couch. We talked much more after she woke up, but there was a whole lot of screaming for a while. If I had driven her back home I think it would have involved me physically shoving her in the car, she's very strong willed and defiant sometimes.

I think I just need to keep enforcing that the separation is final between us, this isn't healthy at all.

PS - She's 27 and her parents live far away, her mom can't do much to stop her (but she can make me super uncomfortable).

After I replied (and edited) I was wondering about the chances of how hard it would've been to get her in the car or possibly getting physical. Sounds like you handled it the best you could... not an easy situation to deal with.

Yes, you're right, it's not your issue any more. Just keep enforcing the separation and that it's final. If she's that stubborn there's a good chance she'll try to get her foot in the door (metaphorically and literally), just be firm. With what she's done previously she sounds like she's trying to guilt/manipulate you into staying. Post again if you need a sanity check.

 

[Mr.Fresh]

I feel like shit guys both of my dates fell threw. Now it's time to start over once again. I had a random woman come to my job and say that I'll be blessed with a wonderful woman.

 

[todahawk]

I feel like shit guys both of my dates fell threw. Now it's time to start over once again. I had a random woman come to my job and say that I'll be blessed with a wonderful woman.

Wallow in feeling like shit and then busy yourself with something you enjoy and move on /fuck'em, their loss

it sucks and it's hard but you'll meet someone... probably when you least expect it. Don't focus on trying to make it happen though.

 

[NeOak]

I feel like shit guys both of my dates fell threw. Now it's time to start over once again. I had a random woman come to my job and say that I'll be blessed with a wonderful woman.

Their loss.

 

[Tsukumo]

OK, I haven't been checking here for a while, but I have tried some of the advices that has been given to me ( To the question where I could find some girls at my age which are not dating (19)) and it seems that the only thing that is left are either bar, or online dating. The bar one doesn't suite me, so that leaves only online dating. The only problem is that online dating has always felt a little bit sketchy to me. Like, I don't hear good stories about it.Other thing that was suggested here was that I should try to get into some groups, and from that try to meet some other people, make some friends, and eventually, start dating with girls. But the problem is that my current social life is completely deep down at the muds. I see some of my friends once a month if I'm lucky, and even that doesn't always go well (due to some mental/social problems). This naturally means I have a hard time to blend in into new groups too.

Online dating then. You are already approaching girls by yourself so you don't need much else. You probably want a meaningful connection with someone if you are not interested in bars, and considering what I know about Finland I'd say that's the only option left. I'd suggest to go for paysites, like Match: girls there tend to be more about connecting with someone else rather than "having a good time". There's still the occasional tease, the unwanted attention of someone who clearly hasn't read your "requirements", and the constant risk of exhausting all the interest in meeting someone by talking too much over the chat, but in general people don't f---- around and make their money and time's worth.
If you decide to go for it, don't subscribe for at least three months: the more you stay unsubscribed the bigger the discounts on subscription fees. You can only see profiles and photos, you can't message and you can't chat (unless the chat is started from the other party) but at first a month will cost you 30 euros and a six month pass will go for 90, and if you wait they will eventually send you an offer of 30 euros for six months.
At first look at profiles outside of your country (England, Ireland, Usa) so you'll get an idea of what goes around with the site.
Just in case: leave Russia alone for the moment. I know it's relatively close and the girls there have amazing profiles but judging from the types and amounts of scams circulating the internet, it's safer to stay away from them. At first.

Also I'm in a position right now where I simply cannot raise my self-esteem, because i live at my father's and he ain't all too loving and supporting. Maybe half a year if I can move to my own I could try, but i fear the conditions won't be any different.

Yeah I think you have clear insight on your situation and that if you get out of the house your life will instantly improve in many ways, not only in the romantic relationships aspects.
One thing I can suggest is part-time work at something like moving, construction work, delivery: physical work, much like aerobics, is a wonderful anti-depressant. Basically you are paid to keep your sanity and your body in good shape ;D

Or maybe I just should lay down for a while once again. It's just that at this age, all i can think about is that possible special someone. And seeing all my friends getting into serious relationships and moving out, it makes me jealous and bitter. Even reading the happy people on these threads with their happy stories make me sad.

When you were talking about age difference in the last post I thought you were much older so I didn't get why you would be bothered by teenagers: now I find out you are 19?
Maybe I missed your point and what you meant was that you don't get why they try to act older? I thought you were some late 20's guy complaining for his attraction to younger girls but hey, it's perfectly fine for a 19 years old to date a 16 years old girl. Depending on what laws you got there, of course.
Also, if changing up your wardrobe is too much at least try some new haircut: you'll know you got the right one when girls will look at you and giggle and when guys will make fun of it. I understand the need for someone with depression to not want to stand out too much, as I'm also suffering from it, but people with depression are deep thinkers with elaborate values and a vivid imagination: if you are willing to make of this shortcoming your trademark, soon enough you will gather the attention of girls who like "complicated" guys and the friendship of other people like you. A cool haircut will simply make it easier to get in touch with people who are receptive to your personality.
I don't remember who said it in this thread but it's true that this is possibly the best age in human history to be a nerd ;D
Another thing:
make a mental note to register all the time the colours of girls' eyes. It's a simple trick to get used to look at people in the eye without coming off as too intense. Use it on every girl: fat, skinny, ugly, old, beautiful, bald, flippant, shy, threatening. Don't keep looking directly into the eyes once you realize the colour.
Then once you have done this many times and you start noticing how girls' behaviour changes when they realize you are doing this, up the ante by focusing on the little differences and the little details, but in this case do it only to girls you like: if you pull something like this on an old lady you will make her blush like a tomato and have a heart attack.
Don't do this to guys

 

[Minamu]

And while we're on the subject above

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bYZelxxT3I&feature=youtu.be

New video on why leaving the couch is the starting point, fear or no fear. I found it quite inspirational.

 

[todahawk]

And while we're on the subject above

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bYZelxxT3I&feature=youtu.be

New video on why leaving the couch is the starting point, fear or no fear. I found it quite inspirational.

Thanks for posting this... I think I've been in a bit of denial about how much I've pulled back socially.

 

[Bebpo]

Anyone have any experience at successful relationships where your SO has severe depression, anxiety and is on anti-depressants and other heavy meds?

My gf suffers from really bad depression, anxiety, ADHD and has been on Prozac and other meds for several years. What this means is that when she gets depressed, she gets really depressed and cuts off all contact with the outside world (including me) for days because she wants to be alone. She also has severe mood swings and it's almost impossible to make plans ahead of time with her because on the day of she may disappear or be hours late. She also often sleeps for large chunks of the day and is a heavy sleeper so phone calls/door knocking won't get a hold of her.

On top of that, because of the prozac she has no sex drive and is not really interested in intimacy. She's talked to her psychiatrist before about changing the prozac to an anti-depressant that doesn't completely kill her sex drive, but he refuses to do it because he doesn't want to mess with the balance of all the meds she is taking (and she can be pretty timid, so I'd imagine if he says "no" and she goes along with it and doesn't argue [on a side note, would a psychiatrist allow a patients SO to be in the meeting with them?; I'd really like to be involved in this discussion the next time she goes and learn more about all her meds and the options available]). She started taking heavy meds before she even had a sex drive or sex in the first place, so she doesn't really understand what she is missing by not having one and is not that interested in getting a sex drive back. She also feels really guilty about not being into sex and not having a sex drive to compliment mine. She wants to work on improving this.

So yeah, basically intimacy is very rare, mood swings frequent, and can't depend on her or even be able to get in contact with her sometimes.

All of the past relationships I've been in have been a lot different than this. Usually the girls are really into sex, often are clinging and want contact regularly and just wanna have a good time/fun. That's what I'm used to, the relationships taking two happy people and making life more fun.

But I really love her (and she says she loves me) and care about her and want her to be happy. We've known each other for a long time and always cared about each other a lot, even before we were dating and then in a relationship. She's been through a lot of shitty short relationships of people who just used her for sex and then left when they saw the problems and because of her depression she has low-self-esteem/view of self-worth and is drawn to bad, abusive relationships because she feels that's what she deserves and always feels guilty when she's in a relationship with someone who treats her well because she feels like that person could and should be doing better with someone who makes them happier.

She wants to change and is always optimistic about getting over her problems. She'll see therapists or doctors but then she'll stop going after a couple of times and nothing will change.

I really want to make this work, but it just seems like so much. Like if it was one issue (lack of intimacy or depression) I feel like there'd be a clear path to work through it. But between the loss of libido side effects of prozac (which a decent amount of people have permanently even after going off the meds), the depression, the anxiety, the ADHD...it's just a bit overwhelming for me in thinking about how is this going to work in the long term. We've both talked about wanting our relationship to hopefully be a long term one (maybe settling down? Kids?), but I'm just worried about if that's even possible to do and live a happy life with a SO that has all these issues and it's bringing me down, myself.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation and did it work out?

Thanks,

 

[Out of Working Order]

I don't know the guy well enough to know for sure but I'd assume yes. My point is of course that anyone can get a girlfriend and superficial things like being skinny or the opposite mean jack all in the long run. I'm tall and skinny too and have a bit of a tummy at the same time so my body isn't that attractive in the traditional sense. I don't work out, even though I should because it's good for you and actually a lot of fun. Last night, a young girl of no more than maybe 22, almost knocked me off my feet on the dancefloor by pulling my arm, because she wanted me. You don't need fancy clothes, big muscles or a cool hairstyle to attract women. You need a cool head which is an attractive feature on a different level. A level guys rarely think about.

But to have a cool head, you need to feel confident in how you look to some degree, yes? And you need to know how to talk to women - I don't. For years of my life, I've gone without having any sort of conversation with women my age. When somebody came and sat with me and started talking to me it was a huge event, because I absolutely felt women took a wide berth because I was 'defective' in some major way. How pathetic is that?

I have listened to advice and am greatful for it. I have definately taken it on board . It's just that my feelings of inadequacy are deeply ingrained in my thinking process, unfortunately.

Other question: I have a unibrow. Should I tweeze it? Is there anything I should be mindful of when doing this?

 

[Count Dookkake]

Bepbo, is this closer to your first girlfriend or your tenth?

Answer is dependent on this info.

 

[Pau]

But to have a cool head, you need to feel confident in how you look to some degree, yes? And you need to know how to talk to women - I don't. For years of my life, I've gone without having any sort of conversation with women my age. When somebody came and sat with me and started talking to me it was a huge event, because I absolutely felt women took a wide berth because I was 'defective' in some major way. How pathetic is that?

I have listened to advice and am greatful for it. I have definately taken it on board . It's just that my feelings of inadequacy are deeply ingrained in my thinking process, unfortunately.

Other question: I have a unibrow. Should I tweeze it? Is there anything I should be mindful of when doing this?

Get it waxed. Tweezing hurts like all hell.

Also, if you're feelings of inadequacy are so deeply ingrained, I'd consider talking to a therapist about it. (Believe me, I have similar issues.)

 

[Bebpo]

Bepbo, is this closer to your first girlfriend or your tenth?

Answer is dependent on this info.

Closer to 10th. I'm in my early 30s now.

 

[Count Dookkake]

Ok, so I am more inclined to believe that you are not being a chump.

That said, you are as important in the relationship as she is. You have proven yourself to be considerate over a period of years, so you have earned a say in this and deserve access to all relevant information about her treatment and options.

If you can not convince her of this, then you should probably walk away before you hate her.

 

[Pau]

Closer to 10th. I'm in my early 30s now.

I don't know man, it's definitely tough. I say that as the person on the other end who has the depression issues.

If there comes a point where her problems are hurting you or enveloping you, I think it's fair to realize that your happiness and mental health comes first.

I guess my one piece of advice is to make sure there's always optimism in the relationship and a focus on working past these issues and progress. Edit: I get that progress isn't a road without setbacks, but you say that she wants to change but then abandons treatment? How does that happen exactly?

 

[yami4ct]

But to have a cool head, you need to feel confident in how you look to some degree, yes? And you need to know how to talk to women - I don't. For years of my life, I've gone without having any sort of conversation with women my age. When somebody came and sat with me and started talking to me it was a huge event, because I absolutely felt women took a wide berth because I was 'defective' in some major way. How pathetic is that?

I have listened to advice and am greatful for it. I have definately taken it on board . It's just that my feelings of inadequacy are deeply ingrained in my thinking process, unfortunately.

Other question: I have a unibrow. Should I tweeze it? Is there anything I should be mindful of when doing this?

It takes time. Just go one little step forward and it'll get easier each time you do it. Deeply engrained confidence issues don't fix themselves over night, but they do get better. One day, you'll break on through those issues and you'll be surprised you ever felt the way you did.

As for unibrow, definitely wax. It's a bit awkward your first couple times doing it, but it saves so much time. It'll also get lighter over time as you wax it. Tends to look better as well as you have a professional who knows what your eyebrows should look like instead of you poking at your head with tweezers while looking in a mirror.

 

[Bebpo]

I guess my one piece of advice is to make sure there's always optimism in the relationship and a focus on working past these issues and progress. Edit: I get that progress isn't a road without setbacks, but you say that she wants to change but then abandons treatment? How does that happen exactly?

She'll go when things are ok, but then she'll get anxious about going and not go, or get into a depression and ignore all things in her life, including any appointments.

If there comes a point where her problems are hurting you or enveloping you, I think it's fair to realize that your happiness and mental health comes first.

It definitely hurts me, and she knows that and feels guilty and apologizes for it. I'm fairly sensitive so when she cuts off contact suddenly and retreats away for days or more I basically feel like she just broke up with me and she's gone and that hurts each time.

 

[maxxpower]

Also, if you're feelings of inadequacy are so deeply ingrained, I'd consider talking to a therapist about it. (Believe me, I have similar issues.)

I actually started seeing a therapist and I talked to her about this. Just two days ago two girls(at separate times and place) approached me and started making conversation with me. I had a great conversation with both of them(I honestly don't have a problem talking to women, I enjoy it actually), but I still felt that they approached because of whatever fucking reason, but not because they wanted to talk to me.

I'm really cynical when it comes to this and I wish I wasn't, I still haven't texted the girl that gave me her number. I'm hoping I can fix it the more I talk to my therapist.

 

[Pau]

She'll go when things are ok, but then she'll get anxious about going and not go, or get into a depression and ignore all things in her life, including any appointments.

It definitely hurts me, and she knows that and feels guilty and apologizes for it. I'm fairly sensitive so when she cuts off contact suddenly and retreats away for days or more I basically feel like she just broke up with me and she's gone and that hurts each time.

She's got to realize that her depression does not give her an excuse for hurting others. I'm glad that she apologizes for it, but if she keeps doing it again and again, then that apology doesn't really mean anything.

I don't know what to tell you dude. I know when my depression gets really fucking bad, there are moments when I'm like "How the fuck can I even keep up in being in a relationship and putting this burden on someone?" and I make mistakes, so I don't want to vilify someone in such a situation. 'cause it is hard. But at the same time, you gotta decide if it's worth it or not. Or if there are any concrete changes that can be put in place so that the same thing doesn't keep happening. I'm not sure how you would implement them, but 1) not disappearing for days at a time and ignoring you and 2) keeping up with treatment regularly are very important changes that should be made.

I actually started seeing a therapist and I talked to her about this. Just two days ago two girls(at separate times and place) approached me and started making conversation with me. I had a great conversation with both of them(I honestly don't have a problem talking to women, I enjoy it actually), but I still felt that they approached because of whatever fucking reason, but not because they wanted to talk to me.

I'm really cynical when it comes to this and I wish I wasn't, I still haven't texted the girl that gave me her number. I'm hoping I can fix it the more I talk to my therapist.

Glad to hear you're talking to someone! I hope it works out. Good therapists can be incredibly helpful.

 

[TheExodu5]

Alright, I wasn't going to post this, but I just need some advice or reassurance. I've decided to post this here as to hopefully not attract attention from friends that I know that visit GAF.

As a shorter guy, I have always been attracted to short girls. Thing is, I had never really been with a short girl until recently. Apparently I'm bigger than average...I won't get into anything too specific but my last encounter was uncomfortable as a result, even with lots of warming up. Well anyways, I'm seeing a reaaally short girl now...she's about 4'11". I'm really worried that we're just going to be completely incompatible physically as a result.

Has anyone ever had any similar issues here, and were you able to overcome it?

 

[Pau]

Alright, I wasn't going to post this, but I just need some advice or reassurance. I've decided to post this here as to hopefully not attract attention from friends that I know that visit GAF.

As a shorter guy, I have always been attracted to short girls. Thing is, I had never really been with a short girl until recently. Apparently I'm bigger than average...I won't get into anything too specific but my last encounter was uncomfortable as a result, even with lots of warming up. Well anyways, I'm seeing a reaaally short girl now...she's about 4'11". I'm really worried that we're just going to be completely incompatible physically as a result.

Has anyone ever had any similar issues here, and were you able to overcome it?

Use a lot of lube, go slowly, and experiment with what positions feel best.

 

[Burger_Baron]

Ok, back here again. I was advised to try out the online dating. Well,made an account to Okcupid. Put some pictures, filled out all the areas with care, was exited. Send messages to 6 girls, none of them responded (5 days has passed). They must have seen my message, cause they had been online after I had sent the messages. All match above 70%, some over 80%. 4 of them replies often.

Can you suggest any other good dating sites? I think I'm done with Okcupid.

 

[Mr.Fresh]

One of the dates that fell threw hit me up today that she was coming over to my apt tomorrow. Well see. And there's so many beautiful women at my job and there all taken. Wtf!? Some of them still flirt back even tho they're taken tho I know I know never mix business and pleasure though.

 

[Log4Girlz]

One of the dates that fell threw hit me up today that she was coming over to my apt tomorrow. Well see. And there's so many beautiful women at my job and there all taken. Wtf!? Some of them still flirt back even tho they're taken tho I know I know never mix business and pleasure though.

Lol wut. Most girls I've known become way more flirty when they are taken. Its fun to flirt back.

 

[Charlie McCarthy]

Ok, back here again. I was advised to try out the online dating. Well,made an account to Okcupid. Put some pictures, filled out all the areas with care, was exited. Send messages to 6 girls, none of them responded (5 days has passed). They must have seen my message, cause they had been online after I had sent the messages. All match above 70%, some over 80%. 4 of them replies often.

Can you suggest any other good dating sites? I think I'm done with Okcupid.

C'mon man, 5 days and 6 messages? You have barely given it a try. If you are new to online dating, like everything, you won't be "good" at it yet. It takes some practice and perserverence. I know it can be disheartening but try not to take any of it personally. You have to remember that girls can get hundreds of messages a week, they may or may not of seen your messages. Also don't rely on the whole percentages thing, its one of the reasons I don't like OkCupid. Making sure you have good pictures is easily the most important thing in online dating.

The only other free site I know of is Plenty of Fish. I used that when I was doing the online dating thing, but you will get the same sort of thing happening here as OkCupid, its just the nature of online dating. Its up to you, but I wouldn't throw in the towel so easily.

 

[Burger_Baron]

C'mon man, 5 days and 6 messages? You have barely given it a try. If you are new to online dating, like everything, you won't be "good" at it yet. It takes some practice and perserverence. I know it can be disheartening but try not to take any of it personally. You have to remember that girls can get hundreds of messages a week, they may or may not of seen your messages. Also don't rely on the whole percentages thing, its one of the reasons I don't like OkCupid. Making sure you have good pictures is easily the most important thing in online dating.

The only other free site I know of is Plenty of Fish. I used that when I was doing the online dating thing, but you will get the same sort of thing happening here as OkCupid, its just the nature of online dating. Its up to you, but I wouldn't throw in the towel so easily.

I understand that not everyone is going to respond, but the thing is that my region doesn't have a lot of people. Soon the only ones I can send messages are the suspicious ones, or the ones that have inch thick layer of pitch black make-up on their face, saying life is miserable.

 

[Charlie McCarthy]

I understand that not everyone is going to respond, but the thing is that my region doesn't have a lot of people. Soon the only ones I can send messages are the suspicious ones, or the ones that have inch thick layer of pitch black make-up on their face, saying life is miserable.

I don't know where you are, but here in Australia (Sydney), OkCupid isn't nearly as popular as Plenty of Fish, so maybe that's the problem. If you live in a small town or regional centre than I guess it would be more difficult than a big city.

My message still stands though, the girls may or may not have seen your message. It just seems to me from what you wrote, that you haven't really given it a good chance. Its like you had a negative attitude going in, which will ensure it will never work out. None of this is having a shot at you, just my observations based on what you wrote. Hope what ever you choose to do, it works out for you and being only 19 you have a lot ahead of you.

 

[silentcapybara]

Went up to a super cute barista yesterday after class and asked her out. She seemed taken aback, but flattered and asked me to hang around (there were others in line behind me). I waited a bit until she came over, and we talked for a few minutes. Then she said she had a boyfriend. I thanked her for the tea she made me, told her to have a good day, and walked out. Blasted Danny Brown's "Dope Song" on the way home with the windows down. Shit felt so good.

 

[A Human Becoming]

Went up to a super cute barista yesterday after class and asked her out. She seemed taken aback, but flattered and asked me to hang around (there were others in line behind me). I waited a bit until she came over, and we talked for a few minutes. Then she said she had a boyfriend. I thanked her for the tea she made me, told her to have a good day, and walked out. Blasted Danny Brown's "Dope Song" on the way home with the windows down. Shit felt so good.

We'll done sir. Internet high five!

 

[Minamu]

To confirm the need for physical interaction on dates: A couple of weeks ago I went on my first two dates in around 10 years, with two different girls, in the span of fours days. Both dates lasted well over two hours and everything seemed to go great on a conversational level. But due to our seating arrangements at the café, "kino escalation" was practically impossible, so any sexual tension dissipated entirely and was impossible to rebuild from our online conversations. But both girls wanted to keep in contact and see me again. Girl 2 actually saw me during the first date and even texted me during it. Girl 1 said she would text me later the same evening so I'd get her number (she had mine from online) and due to having a ton of work scheduled, setting up a second date was a hassle and it all depended on when she'd get some new furniture delivered which was supposed to arrive sometime in the latter part of last week. She never sent that message and never contacted me again about that second date. She's been active on the dating site ever since and I sent her a message trying to reconnect with a joke from the date but she didn't seem to enjoy it so I dropped it for another few days. Last night I asked her if she wanted to meet up again. She told me no, due to so much work, she didn't think she'd have time to get into something serious with someone. And this girl wanted to take it slow at first and seemed genuinely interested in meeting up again during the date even though she didn't want to kiss goodbye ("If I'd want that I could just go to the clubs and get a one night stand"). I believe the lack of sexual tension played a significant part in not creating a connection beyond friendship (which apparently isn't on the table either).

Girl 2 has been more forward though and actually texts me fairly regularly but same thing here. I couldn't get the physical aspect down at all, so I'm never going to date at that café again, absolutely terrible seating arrangements. This date lasted over 3 hours and we talked about the game, brent, dating in general and a lot more and we seemed to be on the same page on everything. My philosophies on dating and life was really interesting to her as a new psychology student. But again, no physical escalation and no kissing allowed by the end. Rather intimate hugs though as I had completely surprised her with my personality and knowledge. She emphasized that she wasn't looking for a relationship but agreed with my sentiment that there must've been something there since we both wanted to meet up after like five online messages the day before or so. She blamed school (new student in a new town) and having an apartment 40 kilometers away was too much of a hassle I suppose. This one still wants to meet up and show me around I suppose, and today I suggested we meet next week and make dinner/watch a movie together (same proposal to Girl 1 actually which she thought was too forward for a date 1). Then girl 2 sends a message and says she's interested in that but still wants to point out that she's only in it for friendship. So my interest is dropping fast. I'm not on dating sites to find friends, what the hell xD I'm currently waiting for confirmation on whether or not she means a platonic friendship or something else. That'll be a deal breaker for sure.

Last night I went on a completely impromptu "date" with a friend of a friend. A bit different style of meeting though as she had been dumped by her "boyfriend" of two months earlier in the morning. So she was quite roughed up from that since it wasn't mutual and completely out of left field. I felt like her gay friend by the end, and told her so implicating that's not why I was there at all. Yet again, not really any chance for physical contact due to her being on the bloody phone with her ex's best friend most of the time lol. Completely disrepectful, yet entirely understandable since she'd been single for only 12 hours. I was blunt enough on the way home to suggest she uses me for sexual pleasure since she admitted to wanting to sleep around to forget this idiot. Unfortunately I shared the same name with her ex so she was understandably apprenhensive to it. But maybe, we'll see. Seems like better odds with this one at least, since sex was at least brought up and talked about.

Edit: That said, I'm having a very thought provoking and eye opening text conversation with Girl 2 at the moment. She can stick around all she wants from now on Cool girl overall. So sex or no sex isn't a deal breaker after all

 

[Tsukumo]

Sort of a mini-update from my situation, so here it goes:

Man I thought a FWB situation would be easier, or would have just a tad more sex involved. She tells me I'm not doing anything wrong, but she did call me out on my wandering hands. Maybe I'm 'trying too hard' or something, and I probably am sometimes. I mean when we hang out I don't go into it expecting something but I don't know if I just misread a situation and then decide "hey it's time to try to escalate" and I make a fool out of myself - which is probably what is happening.

But for the most part we just hang out and talk. I feel like I need to take some time off from her, mostly because I feel like when we do hang out she does a bunch of the talking; she has more to talk about than me (or my stories feel lame and boring).

Really I don't care if she wants to hold all the cards for sexytime, I just need to learn to go back to hoverhanding if I have to since for the most part she's still a blast to hang out around, she isn't too fickle about scheduling and she's one of the few people that when we talk I don't really have to censor myself too much or I can be a bit more crass around.

So I don't know exactly where I'm going or maybe I'm just typing this to vent because she kinda called me out for being a little creepy or too tryhard for sexytimes when I should know better (I guess I do now). Hope I'm not coming off too bitter.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldQGPwuHhkM
The whole point of friends with benefits, are the benefits. It should be fun, sex and light-hearted chats the entire time. When people start to play power games and guilt-tripping you, that's a relationship
Next time she tries to play these games tell her there's no point to being in a non-relationship where you get even less benefits than a true relationship. Tell her things aren't fun anymore, that everything is becoming about rules, boundaries, commitment and that it feels like a ten year old relationship where there's no passion anymore. Tell her that you think it's time for each other to look for someone special.
Also: every time she tries to make you feel creepy, make her feel boring and ignore her completely.
She is probably seeing someone else and I fear that someone else is getting more..."benefits" than you do.
Don't let her make you feel bad about wanting sex, you've done nothing wrong.

 

[Out of Working Order]

It takes time. Just go one little step forward and it'll get easier each time you do it. Deeply engrained confidence issues don't fix themselves over night, but they do get better. One day, you'll break on through those issues and you'll be surprised you ever felt the way you did.

As for unibrow, definitely wax. It's a bit awkward your first couple times doing it, but it saves so much time. It'll also get lighter over time as you wax it. Tends to look better as well as you have a professional who knows what your eyebrows should look like instead of you poking at your head with tweezers while looking in a mirror.

I have got better over the years, just not good enough to approach women and strike up a conversation.

I'd already started tweezing when I read your advice, so I suppose I'll have to be careful I don't screw up! I'll take a look at some model pics or something for reference.

Get it waxed. Tweezing hurts like all hell.

Also, if you're feelings of inadequacy are so deeply ingrained, I'd consider talking to a therapist about it. (Believe me, I have similar issues.)

The pain isn't too bad actually. It's tweezing my nose hairs that REALLY hurts.

I may try a therapist as a final option.

 

[Samara]

Long rant coming:

Well I think its time me and my boyfriend break up. Ive mentioned here that he has never given me any romatic gifts after Ive told him numerous time that I like flowers. I have given him many things, taken him from the subway to my place to his home on so many occasion. He has taken his mom's car about 4-5 times in total in the last 6 months. Selfish/cheap a bit too.

Anyway, I asked him what he would be doing 5 years from now, which he responded "I dont know. (after asking him if he would like to move out on his on) "Get a roomate maybe"

oh no, that does not bode well for me. How you gonna have no car/appartement in your early 30s? Youre done with school. So in all he has no plan for the future at all.

adding to the injury, I told him he was the cause for something, for which he never apologized or tried to make me feel better. He then asked if I could give him a neck massage. haha I refused.

My gut tells me to tell him to have more ambition, but that wont grow in a day. I just dont know, but I know Im done letting him without proof of his worth.

 

[Minamu]

Long rant coming:

Well I think its time me and my boyfriend break up. Ive mentioned here that he has never given me any romatic gifts after Ive told him numerous time that I like flowers. I have given him many things, taken him from the subway to my place to his home on so many occasion. He has taken his mom's car about 4-5 times in total in the last 6 months. Selfish/cheap a bit too.

Anyway, I asked him what he would be doing 5 years from now, which he responded "I dont know. (after asking him if he would like to move out on his on) "Get a roomate maybe"

oh no, that does not bode well for me. How you gonna have no car/appartement in your early 30s? Youre done with school. So in all he has no plan for the future at all.

adding to the injury, I told him he was the cause for something, for which he never apologized or tried to make me feel better. He then asked if I could give him a neck massage. haha I refused.

My gut tells me to tell him to have more ambition, but that wont grow in a day. I just dont know, but I know Im done letting him without proof of his worth.

I know I gave you shit last time, but maybe it's time to move on like you say, unless you really love him. Doesn't sound like it though. Granted, the flower thing does sound a bit petty on your part but perhaps understandable as well. Is HE worth while? Do you need all this other stuff to stay with HIM? Or is HE enough? I want to say that he should be enough but perhaps there are limits too. Are YOU happy right now or do you need all that extra stuff? Like truly need it? If so, why?

 

[Pau]

Long rant coming:

Well I think its time me and my boyfriend break up. Ive mentioned here that he has never given me any romatic gifts after Ive told him numerous time that I like flowers. I have given him many things, taken him from the subway to my place to his home on so many occasion. He has taken his mom's car about 4-5 times in total in the last 6 months. Selfish/cheap a bit too.

Anyway, I asked him what he would be doing 5 years from now, which he responded "I dont know. (after asking him if he would like to move out on his on) "Get a roomate maybe"

oh no, that does not bode well for me. How you gonna have no car/appartement in your early 30s? Youre done with school. So in all he has no plan for the future at all.

adding to the injury, I told him he was the cause for something, for which he never apologized or tried to make me feel better. He then asked if I could give him a neck massage. haha I refused.

My gut tells me to tell him to have more ambition, but that wont grow in a day. I just dont know, but I know Im done letting him without proof of his worth.

You listed a bunch of reasons why you don't enjoy being together. Are there any reasons why you'd want to stay?

Honestly, if you feel like there's no reciprocation in the relationship (and this goes for platonic ones too) then what's the point?

 

[Samara]

I know I gave you shit last time, but maybe it's time to move on like you say, unless you really love him. Doesn't sound like it though. Granted, the flower thing does sound a bit petty on your part but perhaps understandable as well. Is HE worth while? Do you need all this other stuff to stay with HIM? Or is HE enough? I want to say that he should be enough but perhaps there are limits too. Are YOU happy right now or do you need all that extra stuff? Like truly need it? If so, why?

he's enough as in he's nice and...

Spoiler

good in bed.

. The flower thing is just a gesture, maybe acting like a gentlemen. I feel I give so much more than I am receiving. I do need to be pampered once in a while. Who doesn't? I dont want to spend 5 years with a man who owns nothing at 32. I want a ring, man

You listed a bunch of reasons why you don't enjoy being together. Are there any reasons why you'd want to stay?

Honestly, if you feel like there's no reciprocation in the relationship (and this goes for platonic ones too) then what's the point?

He's my first boyfriend. ha! but after what he said and done , that was it. Ive been given back very little. Reasons to stay is that I kinda dont want to break it up to him and that his very supportive.

I need to tell him this week. Gonna google that.

 

[Sober]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldQGPwuHhkM
The whole point of friends with benefits, are the benefits. It should be fun, sex and light-hearted chats the entire time. When people start to play power games and guilt-tripping you, that's a relationship
Next time she tries to play these games tell her there's no point to being in a non-relationship where you get even less benefits than a true relationship. Tell her things aren't fun anymore, that everything is becoming about rules, boundaries, commitment and that it feels like a ten year old relationship where there's no passion anymore. Tell her that you think it's time for each other to look for someone special.
Also: every time she tries to make you feel creepy, make her feel boring and ignore her completely.
She is probably seeing someone else and I fear that someone else is getting more..."benefits" than you do.
Don't let her make you feel bad about wanting sex, you've done nothing wrong.

Thanks for the video, I got a good laugh out of that.

I don't want to sound like I'm defending her or that I'm trying too hard (I might be) but I feel like the situation is complicated, even though I guess for most people labeling a situation like this as 'complicated' means abandon ship. But I don't think she's playing me or playing mindgames with me since she always seems up to hanging out almost from the second I suggest something to do.

-So she was off birth control, got back on but she's still in the midst of it so she doesn't have much of a sex drive.
-I'm actually a virgin (sound the alarm) even though I pretty much got as far as I guess you can go given the circumstances (with her)
-so I'm basically fucking new to any type of relationship PERIOD so I'm kinda learning as I go along, so I'm not exactly too smart about when to and when not to do whatever
-we still have tons of fun hanging out even if it goes nowhere but I keep making it awkward because I am trying while the above is going on
-she doesn't have a phone (got it stolen, can't afford another one right away) or really any reliable way to keep in touch with her so I can't do anything small like just send a text out of the blue or whatever or arrange anything in anything with less than maybe 5 days notice.
-I'm really fucking poor at having anything interesting to talk about, or maybe I'm trying to avoid certain topics because they're gaming related (even if she is a bit of a gamer), which results in her doing most of the talking (I also have no good stories).
-My plan on trying to "hang out" more often to get more chances doesn't seem to be working, that plus my well is running dry on things to talk about in the meantime. That plus maybe I should try to cool it since I feel like I've turned the creep on by not really having much social graces about anything. If you really want specifics PM me.

 

[cdyhybrid]

Welp. I've reached the point where I'm so unhappy with my love live that it couldn't possibly be worse than getting rejected a bunch of times.

I work at home, though, so it's rare that I even leave my apartment during the week, and most of my friends are in relationships and don't go out much. Going to start hanging out with my still single friends as much as I can and try and figure out a way to get out and meet more people.