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[PsihoPerihelion]

One last thing I should add is that I'm the only guy she has been hanging out with during the last couple of months. Literally. She doesn't have many friends and crap (so do I, lol)

Token friend?

I'm not sure I understand.

The one guy who is there for her until she finds a boyfriend. It's like the worst kind of 'friendzoning' you will ever get.

 

[Devolution]

How can you be a token friend if you started as friends? You're the one who wanted to change the dynamic, not her.

 

[trab pu kcip]

You're not living a Victorian-era romance novel. Stop confessing and declaring, stop sitting around planning and overthinking, and stop having talks about your feelings. No one gives a shit about your feelings, especially someone who isn't your girlfriend.

I agree with the victorian-era novel part. the rest... well, to generally say something like this is nonsense imo. you can care about someone without signing the social contract of being in a standardized romantic relantionship with them. I also think that at some point there's no way around talking about your feelings if you're really interested in someone, without pressuring the other person of course.

 

[Count Dookkake]

The one guy who is there for her until she finds a boyfriend. It's like the worst kind of 'friendzoning' you will ever get.

But she will still be your friend.

It does not appear that she has done anything unethical or misleading.

Getting upset over it won't help you on your journey.

 

[PsihoPerihelion]

How can you be a token friend if you started as friends? You're the one who wanted to change the dynamic, not her.

I didn't mean that. A token friend is the guy who says "hey, I like you" and he's only chance is to become her BFF.

 

[Devolution]

I didn't mean that. A token friend is the guy who says "hey, I like you" and he's only chance is to become her BFF.

Then I'm in Dook's boat. I don't understand this. So you can't deal with the fact that feelings aren't reciprocated and be her friend or what?

 

[Kung Fu Jedi]

It just sounds like you both aren't in the same place at the moment but that doesn't mean that there isn't potential for a relationship to continue. She may feel it down the road, but she isn't there yet. Just give her time, continue as you have been but don't pressure her or say it again until she is ready to say it to.

Look on the bright side, she still wants to see you, she just isn't in the same place right now.

And for what it's worth, I was in the same place with my girl a few weeks back. I'm head over heels for her, but didn't want to scare her off by telling her I loved her. This was particularly difficult because she told me she had never been in love before, despite dating plenty in the past. I took the chance and confessed my feelings however based on the connection that we share. Turns out the feelings are mutual, but it was a big load off when she said she felt the same.

 

[PsihoPerihelion]

But she will still be your friend.

It does not appear that she has done anything unethical or misleading.

Getting upset over it won't help you on your journey.

I'm not upset at all. She gave me the best birthday ever. I couldn't been mad about this.
I was responding about the comment of "being enraged because she lied."

It's way easier to say "I'm not into you" than anything else to only find out the true later (again, I've been on that situation before)

Then I'm in Dook's boat. I don't understand this. So you can't deal with the fact that feelings aren't reciprocated and be her friend or what?

No. My answer wasn't "right now I'm so pissed off." I was responding to what Count said about me being mad if she lied and gets a boyfriend in the future. I'm not mad at all. As I said, she made that day special. I would be a fucking asshole to be mad because she just isn't into me or wants a relationship.

 

[Count Dookkake]

I didn't mean that. A token friend is the guy who says "hey, I like you" and he's only chance is to become her BFF.

That is not what token means.

Just because you "like" someone does not mean they have to reciprocate.

As long as she is not bothered by your admission and you actually enjoy her as a friend, there is nothing wrong about the situation.

You can make yourself bitter about it if you want to, but that will have negative effects in the long run.

 

[Devolution]

I'm not upset at all. She gave me the best birthday ever. I couldn't been mad about this.
I was responding about the comment of "being enraged because she lied."

It's way easier to say "I'm not into you" than anything else to only find out the true later (again, I've been on that situation before)



No. My answer wasn't "right now I'm so pissed off." I was responding to what Count said about me being mad if she lied and gets a boyfriend in the future. I'm not mad at all. As I said, she made that day special. I would be a fucking asshole to be mad because she just isn't into me or wants a relationship.

Then your choice of words is just awkward. There is nothing token about simply staying friends.

 

[EviLore]

I agree with the victorian-era novel part. the rest... well, to generally say something like this is nonsense imo. you can care about someone without signing the social contract of being in a standardized romantic relantionship with them. I also think that at some point there's no way around talking about your feelings if you're really interested in someone, without pressuring the other person of course.

Forcing definitions instead of letting them happen organically is the concern here and why he crashed and burned. The best way to make someone uncomfortable and ruin a dynamic in progress is to have a "talk" with them prematurely about the nature and status of what they are and what they should be going forward, and if you're inexperienced you're not going to have a good feel for when a talk like that is ideal. If you're not inexperienced then you're probably not soliciting advice in Dating-Age, thus the general statement.

 

[PsihoPerihelion]

It just sounds like you both aren't in the same place at the moment but that doesn't mean that there isn't potential for a relationship to continue. She may feel it down the road, but she isn't there yet. Just give her time, continue as you have been but don't pressure her or say it again until she is ready to say it to.

Look on the bright side, she still wants to see you, she just isn't in the same place right now.

And for what it's worth, I was in the same place with my girl a few weeks back. I'm head over heels for her, but didn't want to scare her off by telling her I loved her. This was particularly difficult because she told me she had never been in love before, despite dating plenty in the past. I took the chance and confessed my feelings however based on the connection that we share. Turns out the feelings are mutual, but it was a big load off when she said she felt the same.

Of course it's great to keep hanging around with her. I feel great next to her and she has said the same about me. Seriously guys, maybe I used the wrong terms but I'm not mad, pissed off or anything. I was talking about the hypothetical situation of she getting with someone while saying "oh noes I don't want a relationship." I've been on that place and it sucks. She has the right to do whatever she wants.

If we end up being friends and just friends, then so be it. I thought things were going to change for worst after telling her but it hasn't. She even invited me to some cosplay event on January and we are going to an event on 2 weeks. I also invited her to watch Gravity and was damn happy about it. If a year later she finds a boyfriend, cool. If she ends up with someone this week, then I apply my response to Count and ask her why.

 

[Kung Fu Jedi]

Wait!

Bennett Salander: You mean you weren't dating? Just friends but you wanted to take it to a different level? I'm confused. Are you a couple or just friends who have been hanging out?

 

[NeOak]

Forcing definitions instead of letting them happen organically is the concern here and why he crashed and burned. The best way to make someone uncomfortable and ruin a dynamic in progress is to have a "talk" with them prematurely about the nature and status of what they are and what they should be going forward, and if you're inexperienced you're not going to have a good feel for when a talk like that is ideal. If you're not inexperienced then you're probably not soliciting advice in Dating-Age, thus the general statement.

I'm going to print this and hang it on my wall.

I need to stop talking so much lol and just let things happen.

 

[Liu Kang Baking A Pie]

Nothing kills feelings faster than a person getting more emotionally intimate with you than they should be. "Hey, so, we're nothing. Let's talk about how much of a something I think we should be." It's just boring and kind of an ultimatum.

 

[PsihoPerihelion]

Wait!

Bennett Salander: You mean you weren't dating? Just friends but you wanted to take it to a different level? I'm confused. Are you a couple or just friends who have been hanging out?

Actual couple, no. We weren't friends either. We had some friends in common and one day started talking. Then she ask me on a date, days later I did the same and that's how it went.

Forcing definitions instead of letting them happen organically is the concern here and why he crashed and burned. The best way to make someone uncomfortable and ruin a dynamic in progress is to have a "talk" with them prematurely about the nature and status of what they are and what they should be going forward, and if you're inexperienced you're not going to have a good feel for when a talk like that is ideal. If you're not inexperienced then you're probably not soliciting advice in Dating-Age, thus the general statement.

lol, why the fuck you have to be right about this ):

I should have waited. I know not every situation goes the same and I have friends that have been in my place now and have ended up as a happy couple and all that crap, but yeah, I forced something that I thought it was there but in the end, it wasn't.

 

[Kung Fu Jedi]

Actual couple, no. We weren't friends either. We had some friends in common and one day started talking. Then she ask me on a date, days later I did the same and that's how it went.

Okay. Got it. So, somewhere in the middle between friends and relationship. I misunderstood the nature of the "declaration."

 

[Devolution]

Actual couple, no. We weren't friends either. We had some friends in common and one day started talking. Then she ask me on a date, days later I did the same and that's how it went.



lol, why the fuck you have to be right about this ):

I should have waited. I know not every situation goes the same and I have friends that have been in my place now and have ended up as a happy couple and all that crap, but yeah, I forced something that I thought it was there but in the end, it wasn't.

She asked you to hang out, not on a date. This is why language is kind of important.

 

[trab pu kcip]

Forcing definitions instead of letting them happen organically is the concern here and why he crashed and burned. The best way to make someone uncomfortable and ruin a dynamic in progress is to have a "talk" with them prematurely about the nature and status of what they are and what they should be going forward, and if you're inexperienced you're not going to have a good feel for when a talk like that is ideal. If you're not inexperienced then you're probably not soliciting advice in Dating-Age, thus the general statement.

again, I strongly agree with the first part but "talking about your feelings" doesn't have to mean putting labels on whatever is going on, that's not what I meant. I just think that in some cases verbal communication is needed to prevent misunderstandings. this goes for everyday life & especially for matters of love/sex and everything inbetween, because there's a lot of conflict potential. Ideally, you get all the hints and sense if a person is into you/not into you etc. but that's clearly not always the case, (this thread being the prime example) since we simply can't read minds. I wish more people could just be upfront with their emotions, without creating a "relationship yes/no" situation; just find out if the shit's somewhat mutual if you have to and then go from there. no stress or expectations but clarity & you minimize the risk of wasting your time.

 

[PsihoPerihelion]

She asked you to hang out, not on a date. This is why language is kind of important.

Trust me, we both used the word 'date.'

 

[Devolution]

again, I strongly agree with the first part but "talking about your feelings" doesn't have to mean putting labels on whatever is going on, that's not what I meant. I just think that in some cases verbal communication is needed to prevent misunderstandings. this goes for everyday life & especially for matters of love/sex and everything inbetween, because there's a lot of conflict potential. Ideally, you get all the hints and sense if a person is into you/not into you etc. but that's clearly not always the case, (this thread being the prime example) since we simply can't read minds. I wish more people could just be upfront with their emotions, without creating a "relationship yes/no" situation; just find out if the shit's somewhat mutual if you have to and then go from there. no stress or expectations but clarity & you minimize the risk of wasting your time.

The problem is the way people tend to find out is stringing a friendship along, overanalyzing behaviors and generally pining away wishing upon a star instead of just saying "dinner, you me, let's go." At least then it's direct and not some wishy washy passive aggressive roundabout endeavor to find out how she feels.

Trust me, we both used the word 'date.'

Well it wasn't intended to be a romantic one for sure.

 

[Gvaz]

I had sex with the chick I was talking about. While she enjoyed herself (or did a decent job faking it), I didn't. I couldn't even climax, which has never happened before. I kept it up for a good length of time but I just didn't find her attractive. Her picture on OkCupid made her out to have a nice face, which wasn't the case in person.

I will never, EVER have sex again for the sake of having sex. It may be sometime before I even want sex again. I feel so shitty about myself. I'm probably an asshole for saying this (so be it), but afterwards during dinner when I looked at her sometimes I would picture her vagina which made me feel sick.

You've become a man. We've all had those times. Hell, who knows! Maybe she felt the same way about you?

 

[zeemumu]

Forcing definitions instead of letting them happen organically is the concern here and why he crashed and burned. The best way to make someone uncomfortable and ruin a dynamic in progress is to have a "talk" with them prematurely about the nature and status of what they are and what they should be going forward, and if you're inexperienced you're not going to have a good feel for when a talk like that is ideal. If you're not inexperienced then you're probably not soliciting advice in Dating-Age, thus the general statement.

I had a problem like that at one point. I told her how I felt, but I didn't tell her because I was expecting her to feel the same. I just felt like I needed to say it. She understood that so we kind of just dropped that topic for a while. If he learns to play it off and steer clear of that topic for a while it should be fine. It's good that she still wants to be around him and isn't avoiding him like the plague. At least it means that she legitimately wants them to be friends and isn't just hanging around him for temporary support.

 

[Transhuman]

lol ok, so after a month of meeting with this really cool gal and hanging out a good couple of times I declared to her. No, I didn't said that I love her like that dude did the other day on a thread.

Long story short, we celebrated my birthday together yesterday. We had a god damn blast during the day, she gave me a couple of amazing presents and then, at the end of the day, I told her.

Don't make someone have to reject you on your birthday dude.

 

[Apdiddy]

Question: Asking out girls you just met? Good idea or bad idea? I'm not desperate to be in a relationship right now, but with this one girl I met, I felt comfortable enough with her to ask her. She got embarrassed and actually said, "I can't believe you asked me out." I gave her my number, but I somehow didn't get hers. I honestly doubt that she will call me, but we'll see. I hope I didn't freak her out or messed things up with her, but if I did, no biggie.

 

[Sub_Level]

Forcing definitions instead of letting them happen organically is the concern here and why he crashed and burned. The best way to make someone uncomfortable and ruin a dynamic in progress is to have a "talk" with them prematurely about the nature and status of what they are and what they should be going forward, and if you're inexperienced you're not going to have a good feel for when a talk like that is ideal. If you're not inexperienced then you're probably not soliciting advice in Dating-Age, thus the general statement.

Yeah I have ruined two potentially awesome relationships doing this (or at the very least this played a role therein). Please heed this advice.

 

[Kopite]

Yeah I have ruined two potentially awesome relationships doing this (or at the very least this played a role therein). Please heed this advice.

I've ruined one so I can attest to this.

 

[level_e11even]

Thanks for the encouraging words man! I have had self-esteem issues about my looks for a long time. I know I'm definitely not a looker. I have a nice face (but fucking weird teeth lol) and nice eyes, but I know shit about fashion, I badly need a haircut and my body sucks. (I'm not overweight, but I pretty much have no muscles at all. I've tried taking up running lately to do something about this but too little time because of too much work is sort of holding me back; I should think of this as encouragement to keep up with exercise.) I sometimes have these stupid thoughts that no one could find me attractive, which sort of makes me a bit shy and makes me less likely to engage flirtatiously with women, so I don't get much success. Which in turn feeds these stupid thoughts about my looks. I'm starting to realize that it's a negative feedback loop which makes me less likely to seize the opportunities that actually do present themselves. But it seems like I'm starting to break out of it. I should worry less about my looks and just try to put myself out there, like I did this time. If I do that, from time to time, I will find women who like what they see, even beautiful ones like this girl, who should be able to get much nicer-looking guys. This very encounter is proof that I can't be too bad.

But it's good to know that we both know there is mutual attraction. That should make it easier to escalate things if we both like who each other are too, and we wouldn't have to second-guess each other too much about whether there is attraction.

Indeed. I was once like you when I was growing up; the loop you talk about, and trust me when I say this, it's only in your head.

When you go into this date with this girl, you should do these couple things I do whenever I'm with someone new, someone unknown. This is a mental thing.

Purpose: Get to know her, and possibly get intimate. Do NOT feel bad about being honest about your intentions with yourself. Before going after what you want, you must know what that is!

Action: You be yourself. Just be the best version of yourself, not average you. Which means, if you are "nice", just be a better kind of nice (e.g. open the door, etc.), if you're funny, you be flirtatiously funny. If you don't usually take charge, well this time you will. Being the best you, also means trying to hide your bad attributes, and trust me, there are some. You're essentially selling yourself to this girl, but don't change anything fundamental (e.g. music taste). If she likes you, she will reciprocate.

Reaction: Uh-oh. This chick doesn't like the best version of yourself. That's fine. The way the world works is, there's a scale. 5 out of 10 women WILL like you, 2 of those MIGHT OR MIGHT NOT like you, and 3 will definitely NOT like you, ever. Now, that's an average, and depends on the guy. These variables could switch places, so for me, maybe 9 out 10 will never like me, and only one will. But you see, most guys, even the "average" ones, fall in my former statistic! The problem lies in them thinking they are the 9 out of 10 guy. (Or worse, the 10 out of 10 guy.)

So, if this girl happens to be that girl that will inevitably not like you for who YOU are, don't feel discouraged. There are still 5 out the next 10 that you meet that will like you, 2 that might or not, and 3 that never will. That's what makes it easy for Alphas to move on IF she doesn't work out. Don't ever think you're just not good enough. Plenty of fish in the sea, my friend.

Now, the good part is everything I said applies to her too! She probably won't go in as much detail, but also realize she definitively has a purpose for seeing you, a plan of action, and a possible reaction. Since you are the man, you do have to take charge, but don't think the playing field is THAT uneven.

 

[level_e11even]

Question: Asking out girls you just met? Good idea or bad idea? I'm not desperate to be in a relationship right now, but with this one girl I met, I felt comfortable enough with her to ask her. She got embarrassed and actually said, "I can't believe you asked me out." I gave her my number, but I somehow didn't get hers. I honestly doubt that she will call me, but we'll see. I hope I didn't freak her out or messed things up with her, but if I did, no biggie.

Nothing wrong with it. As long as you make your intentions clear you will be fine.

As for your actual situation, why didn't you get her number? Your chances of getting a callback do go down if you give your number out when compared to you taking hers. The reason for this is because YOU made your intentions clear, not her. She knows you like her, so that gives her ample room to act (or react) if she has your number. Many times girls go out with guys because those with balls to even ask them out put them in a situation that they simply can't publicly say no to. Hell, they might not even be all that attracted you, but to your huge confidence.

If I were you I would wait; if a reasonable amount of time goes by and nothing, then you ask her number or ask her what happened. Her not calling doesn't necessarily mean she's not into you. Sometimes it just means they feel they can have you whenever they want now that you put yourself out there; your job is to make them think otherwise. Only when you're sure she's not into you GTFO, but waiting for a call/text is not always a sure way. Always try to get their number!

 

[PsihoPerihelion]

Don't make someone have to reject you on your birthday dude.

Everyone has told me the same, but you know, I usually don't care about my birthdays since my grandmother died (that's a long story I won't tell) This is the first birthday I've enjoyed the hell out of it and it was because of this girl. She prepared so many special stuff that I would be the ultimate asshole if I thought "you rejected me? you fucked up this day." She didn't fucked up anything. I feel more comfortable now that she knows, even if for the average alpha male that doesn't make sense.

I'm sorry if I didn't use the right words about the "token" thing but no fucking way I would hate her after all this weeks. Time will tell what happens next, but trust me, every situation is different for everybody. A stolen kiss can fail as much as declaring your feels. Don't give me crap about it.

Edit: I'm not trying to offend anyone or being aggressive with what I said.

 

[hydrophilic attack]

Indeed. I was once like you when I was growing up; the loop you talk about, and trust me when I say this, it's only in your head.

When you go into this date with this girl, you should do these couple things I do whenever I'm with someone new, someone unknown. This is a mental thing.

Purpose: Get to know her, and possibly get intimate. Do NOT feel bad about being honest about your intentions with yourself. Before going after what you want, you must know what that is!

Action: You be yourself. Just be the best version of yourself, not average you. Which means, if you are "nice", just be a better kind of nice (e.g. open the door, etc.), if you're funny, you be flirtatiously funny. If you don't usually take charge, well this time you will. Being the best you, also means trying to hide your bad attributes, and trust me, there are some. You're essentially selling yourself to this girl, but don't change anything fundamental (e.g. music taste). If she likes you, she will reciprocate.

Reaction: Uh-oh. This chick doesn't like the best version of yourself. That's fine. The way the world works is, there's a scale. 5 out of 10 women WILL like you, 2 of those MIGHT OR MIGHT NOT like you, and 3 will definitely NOT like you, ever. Now, that's an average, and depends on the guy. These variables could switch places, so for me, maybe 9 out 10 will never like me, and only one will. But you see, most guys, even the "average" ones, fall in my former statistic! The problem lies in them thinking they are the 9 out of 10 guy. (Or worse, the 10 out of 10 guy.)

So, if this girl happens to be that girl that will inevitably not like you for who YOU are, don't feel discouraged. There are still 5 out the next 10 that you meet that will like you, 2 that might or not, and 3 that never will. That's what makes it easy for Alphas to move on IF she doesn't work out. Don't ever think you're just not good enough. Plenty of fish in the sea, my friend.

Now, the good part is everything I said applies to her too! She probably won't go in as much detail, but also realize she definitively has a purpose for seeing you, a plan of action, and a possible reaction. Since you are the man, you do have to take charge, but don't think the playing field is THAT uneven.

Thanks again man!

 

[-PXG-]

You're not living a Victorian-era romance novel. Stop confessing and declaring, stop sitting around planning and overthinking, and stop having talks about your feelings. No one gives a shit about your feelings, especially someone who isn't your girlfriend.

Probably the realest shit I've read all week on GAF. And from our Lord and Savior. Not bad.

This needs to be in the OP of OT5.

 

[MacGurcules]

again, I strongly agree with the first part but "talking about your feelings" doesn't have to mean putting labels on whatever is going on, that's not what I meant. I just think that in some cases verbal communication is needed to prevent misunderstandings. this goes for everyday life & especially for matters of love/sex and everything inbetween, because there's a lot of conflict potential. Ideally, you get all the hints and sense if a person is into you/not into you etc. but that's clearly not always the case, (this thread being the prime example) since we simply can't read minds. I wish more people could just be upfront with their emotions, without creating a "relationship yes/no" situation; just find out if the shit's somewhat mutual if you have to and then go from there. no stress or expectations but clarity & you minimize the risk of wasting your time.

This is kind of my sentiment. Shouldn't two people that are pursuing a relationship be able to talk about how they feel? As trab said, we're not mind readers.

What is it that actually turns people away when someone shares? Is it just that people don't actually want to know what their partner is thinking? I guess I just don't understand that.

 

[NeOak]

This is kind of my sentiment. Shouldn't two people that are pursuing a relationship be able to talk about how they feel? As trab said, we're not mind readers.

What is it that actually turns people away when someone shares? Is it just that people don't actually want to know what their partner is thinking? I guess I just don't understand that.

I think it's about trying to put a name on something when it is not clear it is there yet.

 

[Liu Kang Baking A Pie]

This is kind of my sentiment. Shouldn't two people that are pursuing a relationship be able to talk about how they feel? As trab said, we're not mind readers.

What is it that actually turns people away when someone shares? Is it just that people don't actually want to know what their partner is thinking? I guess I just don't understand that.

It's the way people do it. You can share how you feel with an actual action, tease, or flirting instead of some boring exposition.

 

[trab pu kcip]

I think it's about trying to put a name on something when it is not clear it is there yet.

like I said, it's possible to express feelings without sticking labels on something. for example: I was pretty insecure about what a certain guy I met wanted from me (he clearly expressed his interest in me but then acted weird) so I just openly told him that I was really interested in getting to know him better and I was wondering if he thought the same about me. he then told me that he basically had no interest in getting to know me as a person and just wanted sex. so there was a misunderstanding, we wanted different things from each other & generally speaking: that's okay. while clearly being somewhat disappointed, I was so glad I finally knew what was going on and could move on. end of story. I didn't pressure him with relationship talk or long-term goals, it's possible to keep it casual and direct and the same time, more people should consider that imo.

 

[Vibed]

Three weeks ago, at the very end of Homecoming, my girlfriend broke up with me. Somewhat expected after how strangely she was acting the previous week, but it still hurt. She assured me there was no other guys, and that the problem was with her, not me. I believe her for more reasons than I care to list here; it just means that in the end she just wasn't ready for a relationship. She kept reassuring me that I'm an amazing guy but she wants to stay friends. Now I did the smart thing and took some time away from her, but I did send a stupid text or two right after what happened which might've unintentionally made her feel guilty, which I didn't want as there are no hard feelings. Now I hope to pick up the dish and umbrella I left from that night, giving me a reason to talk it out in person and start fresh. She's a fantastic person in her own right who's greatly helped me grow and mature, so I don't want to lose that.

In the meantime, I gave my number to a girl last Thursday that takes voice lessons at the university like I do. (Ironically, I first met her the night I first hung out with my ex at the beginning of summer.) She ended up texting me the next day to verify my number; god I wasn't expecting a response that quickly! We get along really well and I think she might like me, so I suppose I should directly ask her out on a date for next weekend to make my intentions clear. Honestly, I'm proud of myself that I can even consider being bold about things, that isn't the me from years ago. Life's good when you can communicate what you want and make it simple, you know? I'm glad I learned lessons like these in my teens!

Anyway, you guys might be seeing more of me from now on!

 

[Femmeworth]

like I said, it's possible to express feelings without sticking labels on something. for example: I was pretty insecure about what a certain guy I met wanted from me (he clearly expressed his interest in me but then acted weird) so I just openly told him that I was really interested in getting to know him better and I was wondering if he thought the same about me. he then told me that he basically had no interest in getting to know me as a person and just wanted sex. so there was a misunderstanding, we wanted different things from each other & generally speaking: that's okay. while clearly being somewhat disappointed, I was so glad I finally knew what was going on and could move on. end of story. I didn't pressure him with relationship talk or long-term goals, it's possible to keep it casual and direct and the same time, more people should consider that imo.

Maybe if you hadn't been so direct you wouldn't have been sexzoned.

 

[trab pu kcip]

Maybe if you hadn't been so direct you wouldn't have been sexzoned.

hahaha.
well, all I really did was offering a date & if he can't even have that without having sex then he can piss off anyway

 

[Minamu]

I have a funny conundrum for dating-age to ponder xD So I've known this girl for over a year I think. Nothing but party friends, we barely know each other, but I've been curious about her for a while, you know? Cute girl. We've joked around before about her making me dinner but it hasn't materialized. We haven't even exchanged contact infos, we just run into each other fairly regularly at the clubs.

Well, last night I run into her in the McDonald's line and we hug as always. We stay in each other's arms for quite a while, while talking about the evening. She's being super drunk though which might explain what followed today. Anyway, after a while I suggest that she finally take my phone number and she happily agrees and pulls out her apparently brand new phone that she repeatedly makes clear she knows nothing about so I have to help her put my number in it :lol Yet it's already full with contact infos from tons of people as we scroll down to my name to send a couple of texts to me. But I thought nothing more of it at the time. She does this in front of me so I know I didn't get the wrong number. A few minutes later we make out for the first time and she seems really happy that it happened and me too. I tell her that I'll contact her today and we go our separate ways.

I keep my word and contact her this afternoon with something relevant to the texts she sent me. But a few hours later I get a single message in the form of "I'm sorry, but it probably wasn't me you were texting with last night ". Instead of asking for more details on what's going on, it obviously was her I texted with, she sent them when I had my arms around her xD, I check the number online and it's true, the number does belong to someone else entirely. Well, not entirely, seems like it belongs to the girl's mom...

And that's where this gets really weird. Whose phone did the girl have last night? She said it was hers and it was brand new because she recently lost her iPhone. If it truly was hers, who sent that weird text today? Her mom as it seems, or the girl, or someone else, pretending to be her mom? If it was the mom, why does she have the phone today and not the girl and why is she texting me without an explanation? If the phone truly belongs to the mom and it's not just written in her name, why did the girl have it yesterday and why did her friends have that number if that's the case (she got at least one call on it while I was there)? I suppose she could've gotten cold feet today when she got my message since she was so drunk and is pretending to be her mom, but that seems farfetched and a bit crazy If it truly is her mom's phone, why did she put my number in it to begin with and tell me that it's hers? :lol So many questions!

I'm not really looking for answers, won't find them here anyway, I just thought it was a bit funny and I don't have the texts or number in my phone anymore. Seems like I have no use for it, you know? While i am quite curious as to wtf is going on, I'm not gonna pry, I should be doing other more important stuff

TLDR: Made out and exchanged numbers with a girl last night, today I seemingly get a text from that number, but now it's the girl's mom who's the owner, and offers no explanation or proper way to reach the girl. What's going on? :lol

 

[Jhoan]

I've been lurking in here for far too long so it's time to ask for some advice from GAF once again. 4 separate brief vignettes, 1 theme: college/girls.

1) This semester, I'm the only dude in a studio art class besides my professor who is also male. The rest of them are women. Women of various ages and what not; there's a couple in particular that have caught my interest. Any way, since I'm usually the very last person to leave the room I don't get much of a chance to talk to any of them catch my eye during class since my professor gives lecture or we're focused on work. There has been one that I've talked to on and off who's a waitress as she's hinted at me that she works all weekend. How do I befriend/build a rapport with them? I want to fix the whole last person-to-leave-the-room thing since no one waits for me.

2) In my Art History class, there's a cute thin brown eyed chick who's caught my eye since day one. I finally spoke to her briefly last week after class, learned that she was behind on the readings like me (we have a mid term exam next Monday), and that she had another class immediately after it meaning that there would be no chance to suggest getting a quick bite. I've never sat next to her in class since she doesn't have a seat that she regularly sits at. Hell, I don't really talk to many of the girls in that class in general because again, my professor talks 75% of the time.

Any way, I was thinking about speaking to her some more tomorrow, build some a rapport and suggest meeting up to study for the mid term. Is this cowardly way of hiding my intentions or should I give it more time and just formally exchange numbers to hang out outside of school related stuff? Honestly, I've never gone out with girls from any of my classes so this would be new to me.

3) Another cute possibly Spaniard/Latin American chick in my 3D Modeling/Animation class caught my eye.I remember once she asked me for my help on something and couldn't help but notice how good she smelled (she was also wearing some very revealing shorts). I didn't say anything about that. Much later on that night, I learned that she was also taking the cross town bus and asked her so. She also took the same train as me but was with a friend and was speaking in Spanish (I also speak Spanish fluently but she doesn't know that). Any way, I hoping to speak to her last week but didn't get a chance since all the seats near her were taken, and I got caught up speaking to my professor after class so I kicked myself over it. I'm thinking that if I speak to her in Spanish next week, hopefully I can build some kind of rapport.

4) A girl I met while working at the New York Comic Con last weekend and I have been doing back and forth commenting on a public Facebook post that she made after I commented on it. Keep in mind that she gave me good vibes when I was working at said event by hi fiving me.

We've been getting to know each other and what not. I noticed that yesterday she put something that said "End of a relationship" and made a status update about being in the mood to get drunk one weekend and asking for folks to accompany her. Honestly, I feel like asking her out since she's always hanging out at my college. I asked her what days she's at my college. Am I reading too much into this or I should make a move, exchange numbers and set something up?

So there you have it folks. Is there a central pattern here? I would think so: confidence issues/being caught up in my thoughts to interact with classmates.

TL;DR: Bunch of girls, confidence issues/being clueless, and me in the center of it all over thinking about things because of all these HW assignments racing through my head. Help/insights wanted.

 

[drkOne]

This is kind of my sentiment. Shouldn't two people that are pursuing a relationship be able to talk about how they feel? As trab said, we're not mind readers.

What is it that actually turns people away when someone shares? Is it just that people don't actually want to know what their partner is thinking? I guess I just don't understand that.

Once you want to start label things, it makes you seem insecure and wanting to rush things.
Most people you'll meet had previous relationships that didn't work out. Being boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't make it work.
You don't need to tell someone "I wanna get to know you". You're already implying that by asking them on a date…

When you start getting intimate things get pretty clear, at that point I'd establish if both parties want to get to know each other or just casual sex.

 

[Uncle0wnage]

So I met a girl on the DateMySchool app, and we're getting dinner tonight. She seems like she has a great personality, and she is super cute to boot. I'll let you all know how it goes. Wish me luck.

 

[EviLore]

TL;DR: Bunch of girls, confidence issues/being clueless, and me in the center of it all over thinking about things because of all these HW assignments racing through my head. Help/insights wanted.

The bottom line is that as a guy you need to believe in yourself and initiate on whoever you want. The details on the girl or the circumstances don't really matter, just that you're interested, which means you should try and see what happens if there's an opening.

Check to see what's going on that week in terms of concerts or art events if you're not confident enough for a direct dinner/drinks. It sets a less ambiguous tone than asking for a study partner. Don't need to have long conversations beforehand; if you have positive vibes from the interaction with them, just go for it after approaching and making some small talk.

You're not going to get comfortable with this through OKCupid or any other replacement for regular human interaction, and it's not going to come to you magically on its own, you just need to say fuck it and suck down the anxieties for a few brief seconds and put yourself on the line.

In reality, asking a girl out is no different than making a friend, or applying for a job, or putting your art up on NeoGAF, or handing in an assignment to your professor. In all of these circumstances you're being judged by others and accepted or discarded. The thing is, everyone around you, whether a Fortune 500 CEO or a pretty girl, is a random asshole going through the same motions as you and their perception of you does not have any inherent value, and shouldn't dictate your self-worth. You can learn from how you're judged by others, but approach the results strategically, not emotionally.

 

[overcast]

After getting dumped by my GF of a year and 7 months in July, I have finally struck gold.

I have enjoyed the hell out of being single, and I've talked to girls openly and danced with a few at concerts, etc. This week I danced with this really cute chick and had a generally great time at a concert with her. I left it at that though, she lives in Bakersfield, I live in So Cal, decided against exchanging info.

So while single life has treated me fairly well, I didn't get overwhelming success until now. A month ago I ran into this girl who is a relatively good friend of my ex. I say relatively, because they have a bond that goes back 7 years, but they definitely aren't as close as they used to be. I saw her pretty often while dating my GF, and she was always attractive to me. I knew she was into me before I met my GF, but never went through with it cause I was looking for a relationship back then.

Anyway, she messaged me on Facebook, and I figured she must have some kind of motive. Fast forward 4 hang outs later, and I decide to pull a move after getting some pretty clear signs. We ended up making out in the back of a car for 2 hours.

We agreed we don't want anything serious, just to have fun and hang out. Couple things I took note of. She's a lot more freaky than my ex, she enjoys the fact that we're doing this behind my exes back, and she has gotten attached to some other dude prior to this.

We're both young, and this is my first experience with a friends with benefits deal. Anything I should know GAF?

 

[Transhuman]

We're both young, and this is my first experience with a friends with benefits deal. Anything I should know GAF?

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Adw772km7PQ

Advice is for people with problems. You both agreed you wouldn't get too attached, until (if ever) one of you does, it's all hunky dory.

 

[MacGurcules]

Once you want to start label things, it makes you seem insecure and wanting to rush things.
Most people you'll meet had previous relationships that didn't work out. Being boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't make it work.
You don't need to tell someone "I wanna get to know you". You're already implying that by asking them on a date…

When you start getting intimate things get pretty clear, at that point I'd establish if both parties want to get to know each other or just casual sex.

Maybe I'm just thinking on a completely different wavelength from everyone else. Of course I'm not talking about situations where you're just spouting out what you want out of someone you barely know. I'm talking about situations where there's an established relationship developing. You don't get to know someone by just osmosing their wants and desires through their skin. So you talk to each other. You talk about what motivates and inspires you. You talk about your goals. You talk about your feelings.

Maybe it's just because I got burned in my last relationship because we didn't talk about what was happening between us. But if you can't discuss that stuff with the person closest to you, then who can you talk about it with?

 

[Cow Mengde]

I've been lurking in here for far too long so it's time to ask for some advice from GAF once again. 4 separate brief vignettes, 1 theme: college/girls.

1. Why are you the last one to leave the room? Can't help you there if something prevents you from even interacting with them. As for talking, that's not too hard. Be a good listener and ask questions. You can easily keep a conversation going by asking her questions and paying attention to what she says.

2. I don't see why building a rapport is cowardly, just don't take too long. Though I guess you can ask her out first and use that time to build a rapport.

You know during comic con, I saw this cute cosplayer I wanted to talk to, but she was being pestered by this guy for her contact info. I would have started with a simple conversation before pestering her for facebook and crap. I considered trying my luck, but 1: she was already being pestered and 2: It was near the end of the day and I was looking for you and The Baroness's booth. GAF before hoes.

3. I guess speaking native tongue will add more closeness. Unlike me, where I have trouble expressing deeper things in my native tongue.

4. Most people would say not to over think it, but with a situation like this, it's tricky. I mean, some people do need a little time to get over it. But whether this girl really needs a lot of time to recover is up in the air. Gut instinct tells me to go for it and be straight forward, but my brain is saying watch and wait. Flip a coin to decide. If you bomb, there are 3 more girls up for grabs.

 

[drkOne]

Maybe I'm just thinking on a completely different wavelength from everyone else. Of course I'm not talking about situations where you're just spouting out what you want out of someone you barely know. I'm talking about situations where there's an established relationship developing. You don't get to know someone by just osmosing their wants and desires through their skin. So you talk to each other. You talk about what motivates and inspires you. You talk about your goals. You talk about your feelings.

Maybe it's just because I got burned in my last relationship because we didn't talk about what was happening between us. But if you can't discuss that stuff with the person closest to you, then who can you talk about it with?

Oh, of course.
Trust is like the most important thing. When a girl trusts me with her honest feelings, it feels good. If both trust each other enough to talk about just anything, that's great.
Just don't do that with someone you're going on your 3rd date with.

Some girls have used labels to throw me into situations I don't want to be in (hey, you gotta do that because now you're my bf).
Not to mention how meaningless I see those labels nowadays after my previous experiences.
But that was my fault, and those were the mistakes I had to make to learn.

Unlike me, where I have trouble expressing deeper things in my native tongue.

I struggle so hard expressing some things without resorting to english…
That's what happens when I shortcut my native tongue so much with english words.
With my friends it's all cool, while dating sometimes it is a problem.

 

[Apdiddy]

Nothing wrong with it. As long as you make your intentions clear you will be fine.

As for your actual situation, why didn't you get her number? Your chances of getting a callback do go down if you give your number out when compared to you taking hers. The reason for this is because YOU made your intentions clear, not her. She knows you like her, so that gives her ample room to act (or react) if she has your number. Many times girls go out with guys because those with balls to even ask them out put them in a situation that they simply can't publicly say no to. Hell, they might not even be all that attracted you, but to your huge confidence.

If I were you I would wait; if a reasonable amount of time goes by and nothing, then you ask her number or ask her what happened. Her not calling doesn't necessarily mean she's not into you. Sometimes it just means they feel they can have you whenever they want now that you put yourself out there; your job is to make them think otherwise. Only when you're sure she's not into you GTFO, but waiting for a call/text is not always a sure way. Always try to get their number!

I forgot to mention: She works at a restaurant and I was basically on my lunch break when I met her. I understand that with restaurants (I should know I used to work in one) that women are 'paid to be nice' to everyone so she may not even be that into me (if at all). The thing is, she does remember me and remember my name when I would pop in to see her.

I'm basically going to wait about a month or so before I make an effort to see her again or try to talk to her. More than likely, the next time I see her I'll ask her for her number.