Marcy : But unlike Evolution, I'm not letting you off the hook Al. Now can you tell me what a woman's body has to do with selling beer?
Al : All right, number one - if it wasn't for beer, there would be at least three people, who probably wouldn't be married - Me, Jefferson, and probably Lisa Marie Presley. Number two - since men buy beer, advertisers have to cater to what we want. And hold on to your corncob pipe - we like pretty women. Pretty women sell beer, ugly women sell tennis rackets. Pretty women - cars; ugly women - minivans. Pretty women make us buy beer, and ugly women make us *drink beer*.
Al : A fat woman came into the shoe store today and asked for something to wear for a walk in the woods. Jokingly I suggested a sandwich sign saying "don't shoot, from the front I look human." Now you think a good natured, jolly lady like that could take some good humored teasing, but what does she do? That cow goes and complains to the owner who then gives her a gift certificate for $200 worth of free shoes. Now you know whose paycheck that's going to come out of?
Peggy : Kelly's?
Al : Damn right, if only if I can find where she hides her purse.
Fat Woman: I want my money back. These shoes are as useless to me as a comb is to you. I wore these high heels just once, last night, and they split at the sides, and the heels broke too.
Al : Let me explain this. These shoes are very delicate. They're just like an elevator. There's a two-ton weight limit on them. What say I just nail the soles to your feet. It'll give you better traction the next time you're pulling an ice wagon or something.
Fat Woman: You'll be hearing from my lawyer.
Al : Oh, is that from the law offices of Haagan and Daz?
Al : A fat woman clip-clopped into the shoe store today and said, "I need something I'd be comfortable in." So, I said, "try Wyoming."
Al : [watching "The Jeffersons"] Oh my God. It's Wheezy in a bikini.
Al : [singing] Old Mc Bundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y. And on this farm there was no wife, B-U-N-D-Y. With-a no wife here and a-no kids there. A hooker coming over on Friday nights. With big lucious hooters, a pizza, and a beer there. Old Mc Bundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y.
[Al is squeezing shoes on Enid, a fat customer]
Enid: See? I told you I was a size four.
Al : No, ma'am. "Fore." is what you should yell when the shoe comes off your foot. Are we done here?
Enid: I'm not sure I like this shade of blue.
Al : Well, how's this? What say you stand with these shoes in front of the mirror over there and I'll come up behind you and begin strangling you. When you reach the shade of blue that is satisfactory to you, you yell "moo" and I'll stop.
Enid: That's it. I'm taking my business elsewhere.
Al : May I suggest Jenny Craig?
TV Announcer: Coming up next is the television special, "I Drink Because My Father is A Shoe Salesman".
Al : [skyward] Good one.
