Let's get this off my chest. E3 sucked. It was a weak lineup of games. In fact the system of the show was the Nintendo DS and that's only because E3 sucked. If Zelda wasn't there, everyone else should have packed up their shit and went home because your booths were sorry (save for you EA!).
TUESDAYTON
I skipped the Sony and Microsoft press conferences because - well - I wasn't really invited. I did get to wait outside, though. It was great. And by great I mean it sucked. It was hilarious to see Sony rock out with a surprising press conference and Microsoft look like that bad guy that thought of everything to rig his own victory, only to fall flat on his face.
So, I went to the Nintendo press conference. In case you were wondering how to get in, it's simple -- just pretend to like Nintendo. Really. I saw a homeless guy with a Nintendo shirt get a ticket.
Nintendo's press conference was like an Ed Wood movie. It was so bad it was funny. I spent half of the conference mocking Iwata & Co. and the other half laughing. Seriously, the best part was the whole, "TWO WOO TWO YEAH!" guy. And Miyamoto's Nintendog fucking that chick from G4's Nintendog. I'm not sure, but I think there was a part of the conference that turned into a rave as well.
I like this bold, new Nintendo that's so revolutionary. They make game machine that plays games! Not DVDs or Inter- WHAT NEVERMIND WE GOT THAT SHIT NOW. The Revolution looks like a PS2. They also announced the Game Boy Micro to stunned silence, as I'm sure only the gay fashion designer and obnoxious teenage girl demographic really excited about its existence.
In a nutshell, Nintendo still doesn't get it.
I also saw both BuddyChrist and Folder that day, but I was pretty much oblivious to the fuck up the night before. Chris seemed pretty upset, so I calmed him down with Starbucks and hamburgers. And sex. Gay sex.
WEDNESDAYTON
E3 opens up and we're immediately... disappointed. No lights, no media suite, long fucking registration lines, etc. The power outage sucked and left me scrambling for most of the day.
Nintendo's area looks EXACTLY the same and Sony has this Zoolander setup for the PSPs, with the sphere chairs that look like something from The Standard. Xbox went with this weird setup with half of their playable games in fucking halfpipes. Their lineup is probably the weakest, a far cry from last year.
I go home tired and defeated and already done with E3 on day one.
THURSDAYTON
As usual, I pretty much neglect the Nintendo area until Friday, as I hate dealing with large groups of people. I meddle with a lot of the smaller games today and more Xbox stuff, finally getting time to spend with the Xbox 360. The verdict? It sucks. Top Spin 360 looked like fucking Top Spin... with slowdown. And Need for Speed on 360 was outshined, outclassed and outdone by Burnout for classic, vanilla Xbox. Word on the street is that it's way to early to gauge the hardware by the E3 showings, and I hope so, because that's one piece of weak next-gen hardware if so.
I beat some press guy at Top Spin so badly that he throws the controller in frustration. You're weak, dude. I quickly run away.
I play some more DS shit. It's actually got some good games coming out for it, unlike this library of complete shit that exists for it now. I wait for that goddamn MGS4 trailer and am amazed to find a fucking commercial rendered by PS2 hardware. Way to fucking disappoint Konami.
I hit on some booth babes (who btw, are wearing less than ever before -- two girls were down to just panties and bra! splooge!) and am promptly asked to leave.
I go to the Namco booth and watch their Namco Girls Live, which is basically an excuse for strippers to wear very little leather and dance on stage. It doesn't make me want to buy Pac-Man or Soul Calibur III, but it does make me want to have sex with a booth babe.
To cure my sexual frustration I make way to the Far Cry: Instincts area and let me tell you, that game kicks all seven flavors of ass. It just rocks, it has so much going for it and if you have two testicles and a Xbox, you will buy it. Period.
After E3, I clean up and go booze out with WasabiKing, bishoptl and others at The Standard. To those who put up with me, congratulations are in order. I'm kind of like doing that good deed that gets you past the pearly gates.
FRIDAYTON
I go play Nintendo stuff. GameCube sucks. And can someone explain to my why Nintendo whores out Mario? He plays SOCCER. He plays BASEBALL. He DANCES. He has PARTIES. And he's still fucking fat.
Zelda kicks ass, though. Sure, it's more of the same, but it's really cool. The bridge sequence is class. And the booth is one of the best I've ever seen. That animatronic puppet suit thing is fucking sick. I saw it whip out this foam sword and caress this latin-lookin' chick's leg. Hawt. It's the best thing Nintendo has ever done.
Nintendo succeeded in making the PSP look like nothing but a nice screen and a sexy body, because its showing sucked in comparison to the stuff DS rolled out. New Super Mario Bros. is the hot shit. Not the cold shit. THE HOT SHIT.
I leave early with WasabiKing and make to a bar where we meet up with Wellington aka CESARE WOODS (Tiger Woods' slightly inferior twin brother). We booze up and part ways, and I make way to a digital screen of Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith at the Arclight.
Let me say first, I went with myself and four friends, all of which were genuinely hoping it was good. Espio came with me too.
And I will say this: Episode III not only fucking sucked, but it was goddamn depressing and one of the biggest wastes of time I've ever sat through. Only Espio liked it coming out.
And - fuck! - I was even tipsy from my bar adventures when I saw it.
So that wraps it up for E3. Just kinda meh. A lot more stuff went down, but I don't feel like calling out people or busting some people's anonymity for the sake of some laughs.
TUESDAYTON
I skipped the Sony and Microsoft press conferences because - well - I wasn't really invited. I did get to wait outside, though. It was great. And by great I mean it sucked. It was hilarious to see Sony rock out with a surprising press conference and Microsoft look like that bad guy that thought of everything to rig his own victory, only to fall flat on his face.
So, I went to the Nintendo press conference. In case you were wondering how to get in, it's simple -- just pretend to like Nintendo. Really. I saw a homeless guy with a Nintendo shirt get a ticket.
Nintendo's press conference was like an Ed Wood movie. It was so bad it was funny. I spent half of the conference mocking Iwata & Co. and the other half laughing. Seriously, the best part was the whole, "TWO WOO TWO YEAH!" guy. And Miyamoto's Nintendog fucking that chick from G4's Nintendog. I'm not sure, but I think there was a part of the conference that turned into a rave as well.
I like this bold, new Nintendo that's so revolutionary. They make game machine that plays games! Not DVDs or Inter- WHAT NEVERMIND WE GOT THAT SHIT NOW. The Revolution looks like a PS2. They also announced the Game Boy Micro to stunned silence, as I'm sure only the gay fashion designer and obnoxious teenage girl demographic really excited about its existence.
In a nutshell, Nintendo still doesn't get it.
I also saw both BuddyChrist and Folder that day, but I was pretty much oblivious to the fuck up the night before. Chris seemed pretty upset, so I calmed him down with Starbucks and hamburgers. And sex. Gay sex.
WEDNESDAYTON
E3 opens up and we're immediately... disappointed. No lights, no media suite, long fucking registration lines, etc. The power outage sucked and left me scrambling for most of the day.
Nintendo's area looks EXACTLY the same and Sony has this Zoolander setup for the PSPs, with the sphere chairs that look like something from The Standard. Xbox went with this weird setup with half of their playable games in fucking halfpipes. Their lineup is probably the weakest, a far cry from last year.
I go home tired and defeated and already done with E3 on day one.
THURSDAYTON
As usual, I pretty much neglect the Nintendo area until Friday, as I hate dealing with large groups of people. I meddle with a lot of the smaller games today and more Xbox stuff, finally getting time to spend with the Xbox 360. The verdict? It sucks. Top Spin 360 looked like fucking Top Spin... with slowdown. And Need for Speed on 360 was outshined, outclassed and outdone by Burnout for classic, vanilla Xbox. Word on the street is that it's way to early to gauge the hardware by the E3 showings, and I hope so, because that's one piece of weak next-gen hardware if so.
I beat some press guy at Top Spin so badly that he throws the controller in frustration. You're weak, dude. I quickly run away.
I play some more DS shit. It's actually got some good games coming out for it, unlike this library of complete shit that exists for it now. I wait for that goddamn MGS4 trailer and am amazed to find a fucking commercial rendered by PS2 hardware. Way to fucking disappoint Konami.
I hit on some booth babes (who btw, are wearing less than ever before -- two girls were down to just panties and bra! splooge!) and am promptly asked to leave.
I go to the Namco booth and watch their Namco Girls Live, which is basically an excuse for strippers to wear very little leather and dance on stage. It doesn't make me want to buy Pac-Man or Soul Calibur III, but it does make me want to have sex with a booth babe.
To cure my sexual frustration I make way to the Far Cry: Instincts area and let me tell you, that game kicks all seven flavors of ass. It just rocks, it has so much going for it and if you have two testicles and a Xbox, you will buy it. Period.
After E3, I clean up and go booze out with WasabiKing, bishoptl and others at The Standard. To those who put up with me, congratulations are in order. I'm kind of like doing that good deed that gets you past the pearly gates.
FRIDAYTON
I go play Nintendo stuff. GameCube sucks. And can someone explain to my why Nintendo whores out Mario? He plays SOCCER. He plays BASEBALL. He DANCES. He has PARTIES. And he's still fucking fat.
Zelda kicks ass, though. Sure, it's more of the same, but it's really cool. The bridge sequence is class. And the booth is one of the best I've ever seen. That animatronic puppet suit thing is fucking sick. I saw it whip out this foam sword and caress this latin-lookin' chick's leg. Hawt. It's the best thing Nintendo has ever done.
Nintendo succeeded in making the PSP look like nothing but a nice screen and a sexy body, because its showing sucked in comparison to the stuff DS rolled out. New Super Mario Bros. is the hot shit. Not the cold shit. THE HOT SHIT.
I leave early with WasabiKing and make to a bar where we meet up with Wellington aka CESARE WOODS (Tiger Woods' slightly inferior twin brother). We booze up and part ways, and I make way to a digital screen of Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith at the Arclight.
Let me say first, I went with myself and four friends, all of which were genuinely hoping it was good. Espio came with me too.
And I will say this: Episode III not only fucking sucked, but it was goddamn depressing and one of the biggest wastes of time I've ever sat through. Only Espio liked it coming out.
And - fuck! - I was even tipsy from my bar adventures when I saw it.
So that wraps it up for E3. Just kinda meh. A lot more stuff went down, but I don't feel like calling out people or busting some people's anonymity for the sake of some laughs.
