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[crobb991]

Hey Gaffers,

hope everyone has had their fill of red dead for now as i need a little bit of a vent.

So a little bit of background. I have a two and half year old from a previous relationship. The relationship broke down in 2016 after a couple of pretty nasty fights but we remained friends for the little dudes sake. Together, we are pretty epic parents but that's it.

Fast forward to 2017 where the little mans mum decided she was ready to get into an online relationship with some guy she met through a video game. He came over to visit her in september of 2017 and they began their relationship. I had some serious misgivings about this as i didnt know the guy and i thought that she didnt really know him either. when their relationship became romantic they began sleeping in the same room as my son. The little dude co sleeps with his mum.

move again forward to 2018 where i have had to get lawyers involved ( i hadnt seen my son for 3 months because she stopped all contact for no reason). she asked for permission to take my boy to another country to visit the new bf. I was worried that she wouldnt come back so didnt give my permission to take the boy with her. My lawyers said that i should give her the permission as she is entitled holidays.

when she was due to return in august of this year she text me to say that she wasnt returning and that there was nothing i could do. i had to go straight to my countries highest court to get them to return my son to me.

the mother and the wee man were brought back and we are currently stuck in the middle of a court battle where some really horrible shit has come out. for example, i learned that the mum has been having sex with the new bf while my son was in the same bed.

this is super gross and i really wanna punch both of them in the face

anyone had any custody issues?

 

[Orpheum]

What the actual fuck. I have no words, i'm so sorry you have to go through this. Can't give any real advice since i never had to deal with issues like these but i still wanted to let you know that i understand why you're pissed.

i learned that the mum has been having sex with the new bf while my son was in the same bed.

and this... what the hell...i can't. Even though he won't comprehend what's going on, this is beyond gross in my opinion

 

[highrider]

Well, I’m officially not complaining about my son’s mom ever again. Tbh I feel pretty fortunate that while it’s had challenges it isn’t some horror story.

But dude I’m sorry that shit happened to you, I’m an older guy and I’ve seen some of my peers get wrecked in divorce and custody. And you know as a dad it’s an uphill battle if the mom wants smoke.

 

[crobb991]

its been tough like... harder even now that hes back is that shes making my life hell with him.

dont do this or that etc etc

 

[Super Mario]

We try to militarize women into believing they have no rights. In most instances, in this case custody, the women receive superior rights over the men. The irony of all of the identity politics.

 

[jufonuk]

Yes I have had a long road of issues.
Where in the world are you from I am originally from the U.K.

Had issues seeing my son over many years long story short he now lives with me

 

[ThatStupidLion]

jfc. no advice for you. just keep your chin up, and head on your shoulders. stay civil. the mother has all the power in these situations afaik, so the more she fucks up, the better.

 

[jufonuk]

jfc. no advice for you. just keep your chin up, and head on your shoulders. stay civil. the mother has all the power in these situations afaik, so the more she fucks up, the better.

Well I can see why fathers for justice is a thing in the U.K.
Stay civil get free legal advice be there for the long haul and be civil to your ex as hard as it can be

Also don’t be writing nasty things about her that can be traced to you even if your user name etc may not be known maybe someone knows you on here irl or Facebook ?

OP you used Mum are you from the U.K. ?

 

[Greedings]

You have bad taste in women.

 

[crobb991]

hey guys,

bit more information about everything.

i am a resident of Northern Ireland, which is part of the UK. Thankfully child law is a devolved issue so i have a bit more rights than what i would have done if i had have been living in the main land UK.

i have the best rated barrister in Northern Ireland for child law in my legal team with a well regarded solicitor being my go to.

the mother was returned in early august after i went to the high court in order to get them brought back. she is still trying to ask the court to relocate to the isle of wight with my little one.

we have had two sessions of mediation with a social worker in order to try and find some common ground. from these sessions the mother isnt doing this to let my boy have a better life it is purely to pursue a relationship with this guy. this guy who, sleeps in the same bed as my son.

theres so much more to this but i really dont have time to do write it all out.

but it sucks balls

 

[beanoboy7]

My experience:
- married 5 years
- one child together
- I file for divorce as there was no saving the marriage and she was trying to get pregnant once more
- I move 30 minutes away. I ask for nothing except for each of us to have equal time with our son

Two months later at court:
- she fabricated a separation anxiety diagnosis with regards to my then one year old
- I’m only given 14 hours a week of “parenting time” and paying $1K in child support monthly.....
- I don’t get an overnight until 5 months later (two overnight monthly)
- don’t get alternating weekends until 11 months after filing for divorce
- GAL won’t make a decision and his position is whatever the mothers is
- she pays the mortgage on the house, yet won’t live there and is staying with her parents who are an hour from me

Mind you, she fled the state for a week and several calls to the police for her taking my child from my care.....

Fathers get shat I’m in court for no reason..... 15 months in and I have 10 days monthly with a plan for 50/50 time.

It’s a constant fight with zero validation. Stay focused on the little things you take after court and keep chipping away.

 

[gela94]

I really wonder are woman nowadays such perfect actors or are men too blind and horny to see crazy ... . people don't take the search for a good partner to get babies with serious enough, feels like nowadays anybody will do or ooopppss accidents happen. But yeah I'm still sorry for your situation and hope it will have a satisfying end for you and your kid

 

[crobb991]

court date for this is now confirmed for february

 

[pr0cs]

Had lots of problems with custody when I went through divorce five years ago. No point in discussing the details but in my country (Canada) the courts are stuck in 1950 where men didn't know anything about taking care of children or home life.
Even the most basic, reasonable request around custody or quality of life suggestions are denied if the child's mother refuses, regardless if she has any history in actually raising the children.

Hope the op can stay vigilant and make things right for his kid

 

[olimariOA]

Fucking in the same bed as your young son isn't child abuse in your country?
That's some seriously fucked up shit and I have no idea how she justifies it.

 

[crobb991]

its not against the law here apparently

its just frowned upon

 

[nkarafo]

i learned that the mum has been having sex with the new bf while my son was in the same bed.

Yeah, you should take full custody asap. The mother should not be near that child without supervision.

 

[Dr. Claus]

Hey Gaffers,

hope everyone has had their fill of red dead for now as i need a little bit of a vent.

So a little bit of background. I have a two and half year old from a previous relationship. The relationship broke down in 2016 after a couple of pretty nasty fights but we remained friends for the little dudes sake. Together, we are pretty epic parents but that's it.

Fast forward to 2017 where the little mans mum decided she was ready to get into an online relationship with some guy she met through a video game. He came over to visit her in september of 2017 and they began their relationship. I had some serious misgivings about this as i didnt know the guy and i thought that she didnt really know him either. when their relationship became romantic they began sleeping in the same room as my son. The little dude co sleeps with his mum.

move again forward to 2018 where i have had to get lawyers involved ( i hadnt seen my son for 3 months because she stopped all contact for no reason). she asked for permission to take my boy to another country to visit the new bf. I was worried that she wouldnt come back so didnt give my permission to take the boy with her. My lawyers said that i should give her the permission as she is entitled holidays.

when she was due to return in august of this year she text me to say that she wasnt returning and that there was nothing i could do. i had to go straight to my countries highest court to get them to return my son to me.

the mother and the wee man were brought back and we are currently stuck in the middle of a court battle where some really horrible shit has come out. for example, i learned that the mum has been having sex with the new bf while my son was in the same bed.

this is super gross and i really wanna punch both of them in the face

anyone had any custody issues?

My father had the same issue when dealing with his first two kids. He was too poor and couldn't afford the lawyer or legal fees to deal with it. He still hasn't seen either of them since and it has been over 20 years.

Definitely fight back as much as you possibly can and I hope this all works out for you and your son, OP.

 

[SKM1]

You have bad taste in women.

This could happen to anyone. How the fuck do you foresee this?

What a shitty situation. I'm so sorry...

 

[Gander]

I feel bad but other men need to hear this. These are the consequences of sticking it in every female you come across. Baby mamas are a dangerous thing.

Once they have you, they set your schedule, take half your pay and decide whether or not you can see your kids.

 

[Barsinister]

I will have a very unpopular opinion, but I believe that it will be for the best. Let the mom take the boy under the condition the the new man adopts him. You created this mess for that kid, the best chance he has for a normal life is to let go. I actually did this, so I know what I'm talking about. I wanted the kid to be in an intact home with a mom and a dad. I let go. I never made that mistake again. It hurts, but it really is for the best.

 

[Dr. Claus]

I will have a very unpopular opinion, but I believe that it will be for the best. Let the mom take the boy under the condition the the new man adopts him. You created this mess for that kid, the best chance he has for a normal life is to let go. I actually did this, so I know what I'm talking about. I wanted the kid to be in an intact home with a mom and a dad. I let go. I never made that mistake again. It hurts, but it really is for the best.

Huh, that is definitely an unpopular opinion and not one I would agree with, but I respect your thoughts nonetheless. As someone who came from a broken home at a young age (father/mother divorced when I was 8, mother remarried shortly after) - I would easily say that I needed to see my biological father and have contact with him. I would not be where I am today if I didn't have that contact and having both parents in my life. I would probably be much worse off if I was forced never to see one of my parents again.

 

[Barsinister]

Did your step-dad adopt you? Eight and two are very different ages. Under these specific circumstances, I think it is best for the kid. Sometimes our mistakes will leave us with scars.

 

[Dr. Claus]

Did your step-dad adopt you? Eight and two are very different ages. Under these specific circumstances, I think it is best for the kid. Sometimes our mistakes will leave us with scars.

Yes he did, and I disagree with you. A child should know their biological father and quite frankly, if the mother is having sex while her child is in the same room - I don't think she should have custody of the child.

 

[Barsinister]

I have used a portion of my brain that thinks on things to think about this all night. Without going into too much detail, my specific case was unusual. The woman in question would tell me that the child was mine, but tell others, including my family that it wasn't. At the time, I didn't care. I wanted to be a dad. Also, she was married. I did not know that, either.

I can't know if I made the right call or not. I have no contact. That's what scars are for, to remind.

 

[King of Foxes]

Stay strong OP, you are fighting the good fight. One day your son will appreciate you more than you can know.

Sure as fuck dont listen to the guy saying let another man raise your child, in your situation that would be utter lunacy.

 

[crobb991]

I sure as fuck won't be letting my son go.

I do not want another man raising my son... that's my job

My son will know everything I did when he's old to understand

 

[Barsinister]

Stay strong OP, you are fighting the good fight. One day your son will appreciate you more than you can know.

Sure as fuck dont listen to the guy saying let another man raise your child, in your situation that would be utter lunacy.

Would you please look into your scrying glass and tell me next weeks lotto numbers? It's the only time I will ask you to use your gift for profit.

 

[King of Foxes]

Would you please look into your scrying glass and tell me next weeks lotto numbers? It's the only time I will ask you to use your gift for profit.

I have a daughter under 2 and a son due in March, our niece lives with us full time and we will most likely take our other newborn niece in the coming weeks because my brother in law and his girlfriend are alcoholics.

Yes they are better off living with us at the moment but them giving up and saying they are better with us is the wrong thing to do.

You DO NOT abandon your children, EVER.

I can clearly see the damage it will do to these girls in the future no matter how much we love them and raise them well. At the end of the day their parents cared about themselves too much to sacrifice for them.

You put your chin in the air, take the shit and move forwards because they need you to, not because you want to.

Family first, always.

 

[King of Foxes]

I sure as fuck won't be letting my son go.

I do not want another man raising my son... that's my job

My son will know everything I did when he's old to understand

You are a great dad, never give up.

 

[Barsinister]

i·ro·ny1
/ˈīrənē/
noun

1. the expression of one's meaning by using language that normally signifies the opposite, typically for humorous or emphatic effect.
   "“Don't go overboard with the gratitude,” he rejoined with heavy irony"
   synonyms:sarcasm, causticity, cynicism, mockery, satire, sardonicism
   "that note of irony in her voice"
   
   • a state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result.
     plural noun: ironies
     "the irony is that I thought he could help me"
     synonymsaradox, incongruity, incongruousness
     "the irony of the situation"
     
   • a literary technique, originally used in Greek tragedy, by which the full significance of a character's words or actions are clear to the audience or reader although unknown to the character.
     noun: dramatic irony

second definition

 

[King of Foxes]

i·ro·ny1
/ˈīrənē/
noun

1. the expression of one's meaning by using language that normally signifies the opposite, typically for humorous or emphatic effect.
   "“Don't go overboard with the gratitude,” he rejoined with heavy irony"
   synonyms:sarcasm, causticity, cynicism, mockery, satire, sardonicism
   "that note of irony in her voice"
   • a state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result.
     plural noun: ironies
     "the irony is that I thought he could help me"
     synonymsaradox, incongruity, incongruousness
     "the irony of the situation"
   • a literary technique, originally used in Greek tragedy, by which the full significance of a character's words or actions are clear to the audience or reader although unknown to the character.
     noun: dramatic irony

second definition

What point are you trying to make now? That you were joking?

 

[Barsinister]

The fact that you, who are not the biological parents, have taken in children that are not yours. That is admirable. It is a noble thing to do. It is ironic that you would advocate the opposite. You say the bio-parents aren't able to provide for their offspring. Maybe this is a situation like that? How would the OP find out that the mother was having sex with her boyfriend while the kid was in the bed? Did he use a ladder? Binoculars?

Maybe the kids you are taking care of will be messed up without their "real" parents. I think likely not. You are their mom and dad. Make it so!

 

[cryptoadam]

What I don't understand is it seems that there are a lot of loving caring fathers who want to be in their childrens lives, but the courts don't seem to facilitate this and then all we hear about is dead beat dads and how guys don't want/care about the responsibilities of child rearing they just want to get in those walls and leave.

Like why are things so difficult if there is so much concern about single moms and deadbeat fathers etc... Don't make it harder for the good ones out there eventually they will just throw in the towel and be forced to be another statistics that shows men don't care about children.

 

[Dr. Claus]

What I don't understand is it seems that there are a lot of loving caring fathers who want to be in their childrens lives, but the courts don't seem to facilitate this and then all we hear about is dead beat dads and how guys don't want/care about the responsibilities of child rearing they just want to get in those walls and leave.

Like why are things so difficult if there is so much concern about single moms and deadbeat fathers etc... Don't make it harder for the good ones out there eventually they will just throw in the towel and be forced to be another statistics that shows men don't care about children.

Back in the day, Feminism used to fight for men's rights just the same as women's rights. Sadly, this seems to have gone to the wayside thanks to certain loud-mouth groups. One of the major points of contention was given fathers as equal of a chance to raise their children and fight against the discriminate nature of custody hearings. Thankfully there are still groups that fight for this, but they do not get the spotlight as often as they should.

 

[AgentP]

OP, sounds like two people who should not have had kids yet. How old are you two? Damage is done though, good luck!