The Prime Director
Banned
Are you tired of the liberal stranglehold on the videogame industry? Are you sick of being force-fed games that don't represent your values? Then Bubba, have we got a solution for you!
I'm proud to announce ConservaTech, the first conservative video game developer. Finally, conservatives have an alternative! Below you will find our initial catalog, featuring some of our first run of games.
Pick an ultra-conservative fantasy land. We'll take you there!
Super Republican Bros.: The Mario Bros. have finally decided to be true Americans, revoked their Italian co-citizenship, and joined the Republican party! Join them in their valiant War On Koopas, as they take the fight to Bowser and his Shells of Mass Destruction. Are you man, nay, PLUMBER enough to order a complete saturation bombing of stage 4-2? Because, after all, that level sucked anyway. Besides, everyone knows that if ya ain't bombed nothing, ya ain't American.
Genre: Platformer Price: $49.95
------------
Moses vs. the Midianites: Learn good, wholesome, Biblical values with this action spectacular! Demonstrate Yahweh's love by attacking your enemies, killing everyone, bashing their babies' heads against rocks, and taking the young female virgins for use as sex slaves! All the fun-filled bloodlust of the Bible, with none of the insufferable King James English.
Genre: Action Price: 30 pieces of silver
------------
Big Mutha Fucka Trucka: This adrenaline-charged racing game puts you behind the wheel of a badass Kansas-sized SUV - it gets nearly three ENTIRE feet to the gallon! Your mission is to obliterate those shitty forests that keep blocking your view of the highly efficient oil refineries, while simultaneously running those faggoty Prius-driving tree huggers off the road. TAKEDOWN!!
Genre: Racing Price: Your children's future
------------
SimConfederacy: In this detailed simulation, you will learn the ins and outs of managing your own Confederate government! Learn the advantages of a slaves-based economy (less work, more cotton) and pick the perfect curtains for your palatial estate (hint: go with the lavender). Be sure to set up the neccessary armaments around your borders, or your dream nation may be gone with the wind!
Genre: Simulation Price: 14 Confederate dubloons
-----------
Learn Your Family Tree!: With this powerful geneological tool, your can trace the history of your ancestors. You will learn:
1. The difference between your sister and someone who is unrelated to you
2. Why this is insignificant
Genre: Software tool Price: Free with picture of your deformed kid
----------
Dem's Good Eatin': Using this revolutionary cooking software, you will learn how to cook and eat Dem(ocrats)s. Discover the 18 secret conservative herbs and spices, and how the tastiest part is the fat and juicy brain. (Make sure your slave bitch sees this software, she's the one who will be doing the actual cooking)
Genre: Software tool Price: 4 pints of slave's blood, with a hint of vinegar
----------
Super Street Fighter Right Wing Turbo: It's Street Fighter...except now everyone is a conservative. The "multicultural" shit of the original dirty liberal version has been replaced with down-home American values. "Ryu"? Now your name is Chuck, asshole.
Genre: Fighting Price: Millions in legal fees
---------
There Goes the Metric System: Here comes the metric system! FUCKING DESTROY IT.
Genre: Shooter Price: 20 Euros, er, I mean, DOLLARS
---------
They Hate Our Freedom: Because it's true. They really hate our fucking freedom.
Genre: Idiocy Price: American dignity
----------
Cletus Franks Learns Your Kids Good: Do you want to raise your kids up right (in more ways than one!) but are wary of the liberal indoctrination system (also known as "education")? Then this groundbreaking "edutainment" software is for you! Cletus Franks, the first conservative ever to use the words "God", "Constitution", "freedom" and "terrorists" 87 different times - each - in a single sentence, will teach your kids the first 3 letters of the alphabet, the operation of a Winchester pump-action rifle, and how to wave the flag around like an idiot. If your child mistakenly becomes literate, you will be fully reimbursed.
Genre: Edutainment Price: I ain't no good with numbers
-----------
So there you have it. We here at ConservaTech are quite excited about our upcoming lineup. We fully expect our games to tear up the charts in the, you know, "rural" states. I can imagine the Confederate dubloons rolling in as we speak!
We'll given you an opportunity to get in on the ground floor of this new conservative revolution in interactive home entertainment. The fucking liberals won't know what hit them!
Caucasionally yours,
Joe Bob Jones
CEO, ConservaTech Inc.
I'm proud to announce ConservaTech, the first conservative video game developer. Finally, conservatives have an alternative! Below you will find our initial catalog, featuring some of our first run of games.
Pick an ultra-conservative fantasy land. We'll take you there!
Super Republican Bros.: The Mario Bros. have finally decided to be true Americans, revoked their Italian co-citizenship, and joined the Republican party! Join them in their valiant War On Koopas, as they take the fight to Bowser and his Shells of Mass Destruction. Are you man, nay, PLUMBER enough to order a complete saturation bombing of stage 4-2? Because, after all, that level sucked anyway. Besides, everyone knows that if ya ain't bombed nothing, ya ain't American.
Genre: Platformer Price: $49.95
------------
Moses vs. the Midianites: Learn good, wholesome, Biblical values with this action spectacular! Demonstrate Yahweh's love by attacking your enemies, killing everyone, bashing their babies' heads against rocks, and taking the young female virgins for use as sex slaves! All the fun-filled bloodlust of the Bible, with none of the insufferable King James English.
Genre: Action Price: 30 pieces of silver
------------
Big Mutha Fucka Trucka: This adrenaline-charged racing game puts you behind the wheel of a badass Kansas-sized SUV - it gets nearly three ENTIRE feet to the gallon! Your mission is to obliterate those shitty forests that keep blocking your view of the highly efficient oil refineries, while simultaneously running those faggoty Prius-driving tree huggers off the road. TAKEDOWN!!
Genre: Racing Price: Your children's future
------------
SimConfederacy: In this detailed simulation, you will learn the ins and outs of managing your own Confederate government! Learn the advantages of a slaves-based economy (less work, more cotton) and pick the perfect curtains for your palatial estate (hint: go with the lavender). Be sure to set up the neccessary armaments around your borders, or your dream nation may be gone with the wind!
Genre: Simulation Price: 14 Confederate dubloons
-----------
Learn Your Family Tree!: With this powerful geneological tool, your can trace the history of your ancestors. You will learn:
1. The difference between your sister and someone who is unrelated to you
2. Why this is insignificant
Genre: Software tool Price: Free with picture of your deformed kid
----------
Dem's Good Eatin': Using this revolutionary cooking software, you will learn how to cook and eat Dem(ocrats)s. Discover the 18 secret conservative herbs and spices, and how the tastiest part is the fat and juicy brain. (Make sure your slave bitch sees this software, she's the one who will be doing the actual cooking)
Genre: Software tool Price: 4 pints of slave's blood, with a hint of vinegar
----------
Super Street Fighter Right Wing Turbo: It's Street Fighter...except now everyone is a conservative. The "multicultural" shit of the original dirty liberal version has been replaced with down-home American values. "Ryu"? Now your name is Chuck, asshole.
Genre: Fighting Price: Millions in legal fees
---------
There Goes the Metric System: Here comes the metric system! FUCKING DESTROY IT.
Genre: Shooter Price: 20 Euros, er, I mean, DOLLARS
---------
They Hate Our Freedom: Because it's true. They really hate our fucking freedom.
Genre: Idiocy Price: American dignity
----------
Cletus Franks Learns Your Kids Good: Do you want to raise your kids up right (in more ways than one!) but are wary of the liberal indoctrination system (also known as "education")? Then this groundbreaking "edutainment" software is for you! Cletus Franks, the first conservative ever to use the words "God", "Constitution", "freedom" and "terrorists" 87 different times - each - in a single sentence, will teach your kids the first 3 letters of the alphabet, the operation of a Winchester pump-action rifle, and how to wave the flag around like an idiot. If your child mistakenly becomes literate, you will be fully reimbursed.
Genre: Edutainment Price: I ain't no good with numbers
-----------
So there you have it. We here at ConservaTech are quite excited about our upcoming lineup. We fully expect our games to tear up the charts in the, you know, "rural" states. I can imagine the Confederate dubloons rolling in as we speak!
We'll given you an opportunity to get in on the ground floor of this new conservative revolution in interactive home entertainment. The fucking liberals won't know what hit them!
Caucasionally yours,
Joe Bob Jones
CEO, ConservaTech Inc.