How to better deal with relationships ending

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hawkshockey11

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How do I get better at dealing with breakups? It seems that no matter how long I am with someone I always get a very intense anxiety that sort of consumes my life. It doesn't matter whether I break it off or she does.

I thought it was this bad for everyone, but this seems way too crippling to actually be normal.

I can't focus on anything for months and I really don't know why it happens. It's really not anything to do about the actual person I breakup with. Its happened a hefty number of times so far in a span of a few years and it just isn't getting much easier. I consider myself a sane person so it is very scary to feel like this so regularly.

And for context I take actual grief fairly well. Deaths, terminal cancer diagnoses with close family, etc are much easier to deal with. I don't know what's wrong with me. Guess I don't have my emotional priorities in order.

I have never really opened up about the breakups so I guess that is issue #1 (pretty sure I have only ever talked about breakups on neogaf). Just never really had anyone that I could open up to. I have friends and loving parents but I would never feel comfortable opening up.

Regardless, I'm really down right now. Any input?
 
Drink a few beers or work on something to keep your mind busy.

Alternatively, focus on your grief, embrace it and let it consume you. Eventually it will go away. What doesn't kill you make you stronger.
 
Imagine her getting railed by her boyfriend not even thinking about you in the slightest.


No but really, everybody is going to react differently. It's because everybody is different, not because other people have an ancient Chinese secret or this one weird trick discovered by a grandma for dealing with breakups (therapists hate her). As such we can offer no silver bullets, only a few things to try. These include drinking, going out with friends and trying to meet other women to take your mind off it. All things you have likely already tried.
 
Talking really, really helps. Sometimes it seems impossible to sort things out by yourself. If you don't have anyone close to talk to, maybe find a professional, at least for a few hours.
 
There is no real, universal solution for heartbreak.

I thought I was over an ex, 5 years later she shows up wanting to talk and it brought it all back again.

The only thing I can think of is the age-old adage: time heals all wounds.

I recently discovered this quote too, which I feel is pretty relatable.

“And I felt like my heart had been so thoroughly and irreparably broken that there could be no real joy again, that at best there might eventually be a little contentment. Everyone wanted me to get help and rejoin life, pick up the pieces and move on, and I tried to, I wanted to, but I just had to lie in the mud with my arms wrapped around myself, eyes closed, grieving, until I didn’t have to anymore.”
― Anne Lamott, Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year
 
HenryGale said:
READ THIS

Alright so I just went through a major breakup.

4 year relationship and 2.5 years living togther. I basically let myself have the first two days to be an emotional mess. The third day I reflected collected all my thiughts on paper and talked with my ex. Said anything and everything I celt about our relationship, and each of our own shortcommings.

Then I let go. Today only one week later I'm feeling great, and uninhibited by anything.

You've got to embrace it, and find a way to channel the stress and heartbreak into something positive. I'm focused on improving my personal health and I'm totally going into the deepend on fitness GAF.

Also download the app tinder. Nothing cheers you up better than attention and flirting with random women.

Ultimatly you've got to look at this as an oppertunity. The longer you fight it the harder it becomes. Just let it all in, embrace the heartache acknowledge it and then you'll be able to let go.

TRUST ME. I literally just lost the person I wanted to marry less than 7 days ago, the future seemed so bleak thise first 48 hours. Today I feel like nothing can stop me.
Click to expand...

Good for you man
 
As others have said, there really isn't any certain solution that is a sure thing. My personal principle is to never try and be friends after the breakup. It really isn't worth the heartache and will inevitably lead to a situation where your partner finds someone else then wants to rub it in your face to see your reaction.

Once it's dead, it's dead. Just go your separate ways.
 
I have dinner with some close friends and talk it all out. And then I write about it. I make sure there's nothing left unsaid. I let the hate, anger and grief consume me. And then from all that I find closure.

But yeah you've got to figure out what works for you, everyone is different.
 
It helps if you have something to lose yourself into. That may be work, or a hobby, but don't just stand in your living room remembering the good times. Well, the first few days, you can afford to be an emotional mess, you've earned that. But after that, just embrace the situation and do something that you can feel good about, something that gives you a sense of achievement.

Not necessarily something that involves meeting new women - I often see people recommending that, and I'm not sure it's such a good idea for everyone.

I know it's easier said than done, but I've been there a few times, and in my case, drawing really helped. I do character and concept design for a living, so drawing has always been my refuge whenever I feel down.
During my last big break-up, after three days of lamenting, I just sat in front of photoshop and started painting tons of characters. That's all I did pretty much all day long. A week later, my portfolio had doubled in size and that felt really good. Sure, the girl had dumped me. But that didn't seem to matter that much when I looked at all the work I had achieved.

I don't know, that might be silly, but it helped a lot.
 
ThoseDeafMutes said:
Imagine her getting railed by her boyfriend not even thinking about you in the slightest.
Click to expand...
Don't be a mean piece of shit.

Anyway, OP just the take the opportunity to baby yourself. Exercise and practice your various focuses.
 
I have a somewhat similar problem that is compounded by my propensity towards long-term relationships. As a result, I've broken my typical response to breakups into four phases:

1. Breakup happens. Profuse, almost superficial sadness. "What am I going to do without x" type thoughts. Occasional lingerings on the positive ("I can sleep with anyone I want!") type thoughts but mostly just dramatic and often unfortunately public sadness. Usually only lasts a couple of days or so.

2. Temporary relief. A lot of rationalizing going on and often comes with the underpinning that things will go back to the way they used to be before the breakup minus all of the bad things that led up to the breakup maybe plus some of the things that never actually existed in the relationship in the first place. The other way this can go is the rationalization of the self as the one true island, which generally leads to the rapid embodiment of "get drunk fuck bitches". This goes on for a maximum of two weeks.

3. The descent. The delusions ultimately end up doing more damage than the breakup itself and, as the illusions are shattered, bad things start to happen. The resulting depression often has little (if any) tangible connection to the breakup at all, and other aspects of personal security seem to be taken along for the ride for no apparent reason. This phase is marked by poor decisions. This usually goes on for a few months and ends, as these things typically do, at rock bottom.

4. The slow climb. After there are no more poor decisions to be made, the only real option is self-improvement.

What I've learned from myself and what I can provide to others is that deluding yourself into normalcy -- whether it's through behaving as if everything will go back to how it was or behaving in a matter completely unlike you and attempting to fool yourself into thinking that this is who you are now -- is a bad plan and may, in fact, be responsible for more pain than the breakup itself. I suggest, then, that instead of focusing your post-breakup energy on making yourself feel better, you focus that energy on not lying to yourself or anyone else. If people ask you, tell them how you feel. When you evaluate your own life and your relationship, be honest.
 
Take solace in the fact that they meant something to you. Otherwise it wouldn't hurt.

Ending a relationship is always hard. That's what makes us human. Just remember that there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Let yourself grieve for the lost relationship. The more you try to deny it or push it away, the harder it will be to let go.
 
I think the hard part of dealing with them as opposed to a death is that it isn't final. If someone dies you don't get another chance, it's done, nothing can change that. With a breakup though you have that part of you that knows there is still a chance to 'fix' it. In most cases it's a very slim chance but because you are both still in existence then it could happen.

I think it's why people suggest making a clean break, no contact etc If they are for all intents and purposes dead to you then you can move on. That's the plan anyway but emotions like to mess with you in that regard. Damn you emotions!
 
MikeDub said:
I think it's why people suggest making a clean break, no contact etc If they are for all intents and purposes dead to you then you can move on. That's the plan anyway but emotions like to mess with you in that regard. Damn you emotions!
Click to expand...

What you just said does help to explain to me why so many people suggest that.

Breakups hurt, so people develop a "clean break" policy.

I have a long history of maintaining great friendships with my exes, so it's long eluded me why people are so adamant about cutting off contact. I am living proof that it's possible to maintain healthy friendships even with beloved exes (I'm talking 3+ years relationships)... but I do see how the hurt factor motivates "clean break" policy....
 
I'm the same, until I meet somebody new. When I'm having a bad day I tend to end up thinking about relationships to make me feel worse!
 
Thanks for the advice. I was really motivated in my programming and summer internship prior to the breakup and I just want to get back to that point since I have a lot of work to do. Still can't bear to think about it right now
 
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