I crush you! I'm crushing your head!
- Thread starter JRPereira
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RevenantKioku
PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS oh god i am drowning in them
UCB's was better.
emomoonbase
I'm free 2night after my LARPing guild meets.
I miss the kids in the hall.
iced lightning
Member
yeah, kids in the hall was great.
Announcer: 30 Helens Agree...
30 Helens: [in unison] Honesty is the Best Policy!
[The Helens all nod in agreement]
Helen Roritor: If you cheat on your wife, really, aren't you only cheating yourself?
Helen Morrisey: I should know. I've been married for 12 years... adding up all my marriages.
Helen Vernando: If a guy won't tell you where he lives, watch out.
Helen Bryant: Or if he owns his own pool cue.
[The Helens continue to nod]
Announcer: 30 Helens Agree. Honesty is the best policy.
Announcer: 30 Helens Agree...
30 Helens: [in unison] Honesty is the Best Policy!
[The Helens all nod in agreement]
Helen Roritor: If you cheat on your wife, really, aren't you only cheating yourself?
Helen Morrisey: I should know. I've been married for 12 years... adding up all my marriages.
Helen Vernando: If a guy won't tell you where he lives, watch out.
Helen Bryant: Or if he owns his own pool cue.
[The Helens continue to nod]
Announcer: 30 Helens Agree. Honesty is the best policy.
Bruce: Now, I tell you one thing. When these guys from the east come in, don't even show 'em that graph, they won't understand it.
[Scott makes a gesture that Bruce has something in his moustache.]
Bruce: What you gotta do is just... look 'em straight in the eye, but not... well, would you like a Kleenex?
Scott: Uh, no.
Bruce: Fine. These guys are brass men. They're all brass, but they're not tarnished. They're not stupid, they don't have these thick heads that-
Scott: Don, I hate to interrupt you, but, uh, did you have a cucumber sandwich for lunch?
Bruce: No. I had a cucumber salad a couple of days ago.
Scott: I see, okay, I get it, you see, cuz you got a little tiny piece of food right there on your upper lip.
Bruce: Oh. [Brushes lip, missing it entirely.] Okay. These guys are brass men. They're all brass, but the thing that-
Scott: Don. I hate to interrupt you again, but you missed it.
Bruce: Where?
Scott: Well, the crumb's still there, you see.
[Scott makes a gesture that Bruce has something in his moustache.]
Bruce: What you gotta do is just... look 'em straight in the eye, but not... well, would you like a Kleenex?
Scott: Uh, no.
Bruce: Fine. These guys are brass men. They're all brass, but they're not tarnished. They're not stupid, they don't have these thick heads that-
Scott: Don, I hate to interrupt you, but, uh, did you have a cucumber sandwich for lunch?
Bruce: No. I had a cucumber salad a couple of days ago.
Scott: I see, okay, I get it, you see, cuz you got a little tiny piece of food right there on your upper lip.
Bruce: Oh. [Brushes lip, missing it entirely.] Okay. These guys are brass men. They're all brass, but the thing that-
Scott: Don. I hate to interrupt you again, but you missed it.
Bruce: Where?
Scott: Well, the crumb's still there, you see.
RevenantKioku
PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS oh god i am drowning in them
emomoonbase said:
Oh shit it was KitH wasn't it? Fuck I'm losing it, haha.
My favorite skit:
[Setting: A mansion. We see a padlocked door that light can just peer through, thanks to cracks and holes. Despite this, it does look strong and we can hear something struggling against the door. We pan over to Dave, an old man smoking a pipe.]
Dave: Monkeys are loose. Full of beans, sounds like to me. I let them loose... I mean, out of their cages... but I keep them in there... locked up in that room. If I was ever to let them monkeys out of the house, they'd be running this town inside a week.
[We cut to Dave standing next to another man, Mark.]
Mark: Everything he says is true.
[We see Dave stand before the door, undoing the locks.]
Dave: Monkeys are in here. Think I'll let 'em out.
[Dave opens the door a bit and light pours from behind it, a la the Ark of the Covenant in 'Raiders of the Lost Ark.' We hear the howls of monkeys before Dave closes the door again.]
Dave: [laughs] I was kidding. I wouldn't wish the monkeys on my worst enemy. These aren't cute monkeys. Nah. These are like those damn monkeys in "The Wizard of Oz"... only they aint got no wings... and they smell bad... these are vicious, mean-spirited monkeys.
[Cut back to Mark and Dave.]
Mark: Saw a couple of them get a hold of a dog once....[shakes his head] hoo boy.
[Cut to Dave on a phone.]
Dave: If I don't get a pizza here in ten minutes, I'M LETTING THE MONKEYS LOOSE!
[Cut to a cab. Dave and Mark are in the back seat.]
Dave: Worked for 30 years over at the furniture department at the Eden's. Can't tell me everyone in this town didn't look down on me. Worked for commission. Lucky if I made 300 bucks a month. Now I run the whole damn furniture department! Ehhh? I live in Bobby Ore's house!
[The three men laugh, the cab driver doing so nervously.]
Man: Here you are, Mr. Lewis. And I just want to say how much my wife and I appreciate you not letting them monkeys out....
Dave: Oh, I figure I gotta let 'em out sometime..... tomorrow!
[The man looks very worried until Dave starts laughing. He laughs along with him.]
[Cut back to the study.]
Dave: People think I have got the power cause I've got the monkeys. Nope. I've got the power because I'll let the monkeys loose... They don't understand......
[Cut back to Mark and Dave alone.]
Mark: If he says he'll let the monkeys loose, he WILL let the monkeys loose.
[Cut back to Dave in his study.]
Dave: They goddamn don't understand THAT... and they goddamn don't understand me. But that's okay. That's all right, see... cause people.. they understand monkeys.
[We close up on the shaking door as he hear the monkeys howl and bang against it as the skit ends.]
[Setting: A mansion. We see a padlocked door that light can just peer through, thanks to cracks and holes. Despite this, it does look strong and we can hear something struggling against the door. We pan over to Dave, an old man smoking a pipe.]
Dave: Monkeys are loose. Full of beans, sounds like to me. I let them loose... I mean, out of their cages... but I keep them in there... locked up in that room. If I was ever to let them monkeys out of the house, they'd be running this town inside a week.
[We cut to Dave standing next to another man, Mark.]
Mark: Everything he says is true.
[We see Dave stand before the door, undoing the locks.]
Dave: Monkeys are in here. Think I'll let 'em out.
[Dave opens the door a bit and light pours from behind it, a la the Ark of the Covenant in 'Raiders of the Lost Ark.' We hear the howls of monkeys before Dave closes the door again.]
Dave: [laughs] I was kidding. I wouldn't wish the monkeys on my worst enemy. These aren't cute monkeys. Nah. These are like those damn monkeys in "The Wizard of Oz"... only they aint got no wings... and they smell bad... these are vicious, mean-spirited monkeys.
[Cut back to Mark and Dave.]
Mark: Saw a couple of them get a hold of a dog once....[shakes his head] hoo boy.
[Cut to Dave on a phone.]
Dave: If I don't get a pizza here in ten minutes, I'M LETTING THE MONKEYS LOOSE!
[Cut to a cab. Dave and Mark are in the back seat.]
Dave: Worked for 30 years over at the furniture department at the Eden's. Can't tell me everyone in this town didn't look down on me. Worked for commission. Lucky if I made 300 bucks a month. Now I run the whole damn furniture department! Ehhh? I live in Bobby Ore's house!
[The three men laugh, the cab driver doing so nervously.]
Man: Here you are, Mr. Lewis. And I just want to say how much my wife and I appreciate you not letting them monkeys out....
Dave: Oh, I figure I gotta let 'em out sometime..... tomorrow!
[The man looks very worried until Dave starts laughing. He laughs along with him.]
[Cut back to the study.]
Dave: People think I have got the power cause I've got the monkeys. Nope. I've got the power because I'll let the monkeys loose... They don't understand......
[Cut back to Mark and Dave alone.]
Mark: If he says he'll let the monkeys loose, he WILL let the monkeys loose.
[Cut back to Dave in his study.]
Dave: They goddamn don't understand THAT... and they goddamn don't understand me. But that's okay. That's all right, see... cause people.. they understand monkeys.
[We close up on the shaking door as he hear the monkeys howl and bang against it as the skit ends.]
[Kevin and Dave are having a conversation in a diner]
Kevin: . . . it was a great movie. It wasn't a good movie, but how often do you see a great movie?
Dave: Oh, I saw a great movie last night. It was on the late show. It was-- um, uh, what was it called? It's a classic. It's uh . . . oh, I hate this. I hate it when this happens.
Kevin: Well, what was it about?
Dave: It's about this newspaper tycoon and he's dead, and everybody is telling stories about him, and--
Kevin: It's Citizen Kane.
Dave: Nnnno, that's not it. No, no - but something like that. It's uh . . .
Kevin: Okay, who was in it?
Dave: Orson Welles is in it. It's called . . .
Kevin: Then this is Citizen Kane. It's Citizen Kane.
Dave: Nnnno, that isn't it, but you're not far from it. It's uh . . .
Kevin: Well who else was in it?
Dave: Oh, um, I dunno.
Kevin: Was Joseph Cotten in it?
Dave: What else has he been in?
Kevin: The Third Man, The Magnificent Ambersons . . .
Dave: Oh, The Magnificent Ambersons. Yes, yes, yes, he was in it, yes. That's one of my favourite Orson Welles movies.
Kevin: Well this is definitely Citizen Kane then. You're talking about Citizen Kane.
Dave: Nnnno, no, no. But it's something like that. It's ci . . . ci, ci . . . Si. Si . . . sy . . .
Kevin: No, not sy. It's ci. Ci, ci.
Dave: Sy . . . sy . . . sy . . .
Kevin: It's ci, Citizen Kane.
Dave: Sy . . . sy . . . Psycho!
Kevin: No it's not Psycho.
Dave: It's Psycho.
Kevin: No, no, no, no, it's not Psycho. Is it about a motel owner who goes crazy and kills a woman in a shower?
Dave: No, no. I just told you it's about this newspaper tycoon, he has a sled called Rosebud, and they're all trying to--
Kevin: Then I guess it wasn't Psycho, was it?
Dave: No, it wasn't Psycho . . .
Kevin: [painfully] It was Citizen Kane!
Dave: No, it was an . . . angie, angie, angela-- angels! The Trouble With Angels.
Kevin: No, no, no. It wasn't The Trouble With Angels, no. That's a Hayley Mills vehicle, that's not even close.
Dave: The Front Page!
Kevin: The Front Page is a comedy. Did you laugh once?
Dave: No.
Kevin: Then I guess it wasn't The Front Page, was it?
Dave: Well what the hell was it then?
Kevin: Look, that guy has a newspaper. I'm going to borrow it, read the tv listings, and we'll settle this once and for all.
Dave: [holding him back] Please, I want to remember this myself--
Kevin: Please, I want to settle this-- [The two argue for a second until Kevin pushes Dave back into his chair] Just sit down! [Picks up a steak knife and drives it into Dave's hand, nailing it to the table]
Dave: Oh great. That's really going to help me to think. That's great. You know what? I almost had it. I almost had it but now thanks to you, I've gone blank. Thank you very much.
Kevin: What time was it on last night?
Dave: It was 11:30. We don't need the paper . . . The Paper Chase . . . paper, paper . . . Paperback Hero . . .
Kevin: Okay, what channel?
Dave: It was channel 3. Paper. Paper . . . paper . . .
Kevin: Aha!! Look! Citizen Kane. It was Citizen Kane! It was Citizen Kane! IT WAS CITIZEN KANE!! [crumbles up newspaper and triumphantly throws it on the floor]
Dave: . . . okay, big deal. Look, would you take the knife out? Just take the knife out.
Kevin: You admit you're wrong and I'll take the knife out.
Dave: Oh c'mon, grow up! Take the knife out.
Kevin: No, no, no. You never admit you're wrong. When you admit you're wrong, I'll grow up.
Dave: You're being very immature. Would you please just take the knife out?
Kevin: Why don't you admit you're wrong? You never admit you're wrong.
Dave: You're making a fool of yourself in front of everyone, alright? Would you please take the knife out? Take the damn knife out! [Kevin finally complies. Dave clutches his wounded hand] Ow! Oh geez. Listen, um, would you mind just calling me a-- uh . . . oh, what are they called? A uh . . .
Kevin: An ambulance?
Dave: No. No, I want a uh . . . a um . . .
Kevin: Do you want two guys in a van to come take care of your hand and bring you to a hospital?
Dave: Yes. Exactly, yes.
Kevin: Then you want an ambulance.
Dave: No I don't! I want a . . . uh . . .
Kevin: It's an ambulance.
Dave: No it isn't!
Kevin: You want an ambulance.
Dave: Sh!
Kevin: It's an ambulance.
Dave: Sh!
Kevin: You want an ambulance,
Dave: Sh!
Kevin: It's an ambulance.
Dave: Sh!
Kevin: You want an ambulance.
Dave: It's a . . . uh . . .
Kevin: No, you know what you want? [picks up his steak knife and drives it repeatedly into Dave's chest] You want a mortician! You want a mortician! You want a mortician! YOU WANT A MORTICIAN!! [slumps Dave's dead body over the table] This one is on me. Check please!
==========================
Bruce: Last time I saw him, we didn't even talk. We just watched "The Flintstones."
Kevin: It's always that way. The last time you see someone you just wish you had said more.
Dave: Yeah, but it's not like you know it's going to be the last time, right? I mean, if you knew it was going to be the last time, you'd say something.
Scott: Anything.
Dave: Yeah.
Mark: The stuff I remember about Reg--it's the little stuff like how he'd always make sure you had a lift home.
Dave: Even if you had your car with you he'd still insist on giving you a lift. Of course, the next day, you'd have to go back for your car. But, he'd give you a lift then, too, if he could.
Bruce: . . .If he could.
Mark: To Reg!
Kevin: My God, he could skate! I never saw a man more graceful on two blades and a sheet of ice.
Scott: Remember his hair?
All: Yeah.
Scott: It was always perfect.
Dave: Yet, you never saw him with a comb.
Mark: I can't believe he's dead.
Scott: To Reg!
Dave: To Reg!
Rest: To Reg!
Dave: Gee, you know guys, it seems like only yesterday we were a bunch of kids hangin' out, gettin' Slurpees. Next thing you know we all got jobs.
Kevin: . . .Or girlfriends. Next thing you know, they're moving in with ya.
Bruce: Next thing you know, you're out buying piano wire, good strong piano wire, and sneakin' up on ol' Reg while he reads.
Dave: Jobs become careers.
Kevin: Girlfriends become wives.
Bruce: And Reg becomes a lifeless corpse in your arms.
Scott: Kinda--it kinda makes you think about the furgility of life.
Mark: Not really. Remember how he fought back?
Scott: What a death grip! Almost broke my wrists!
Dave: Hey--easy to beat up; hard to kill.
All: To Reg!
Kevin: I wonder where he is now.
Scott: What?
Mark: He's in his shallow grave.
Dave: Yeah, out by the tracks. Don't you remember?
Kevin: No, no, no, no, no. I know where his corpse is. I meant spiritually. I wonder where his soul is.
All: Ohhhh.
Dave: You know guys, I'd like to think, if there is a heaven, our buddy Reg is up there helping folks out, maybe even jamming with Jimi Hendrix.
Scott: I didn't know he could play guitar.
Bruce: Oh, yeah, he was great.
Mark: Just goes to show you--you can kill a guy, fold him up, stuff him in a car trunk, and still you don't *really* know him.
Bruce: Although, you get to know a guy pretty quick when you watch him beg for mercy, eh?
Kevin: To good friends!
Scott: To good times!
Bruce: To ritualistic murders!
All: To Reg!
Kevin: . . . it was a great movie. It wasn't a good movie, but how often do you see a great movie?
Dave: Oh, I saw a great movie last night. It was on the late show. It was-- um, uh, what was it called? It's a classic. It's uh . . . oh, I hate this. I hate it when this happens.
Kevin: Well, what was it about?
Dave: It's about this newspaper tycoon and he's dead, and everybody is telling stories about him, and--
Kevin: It's Citizen Kane.
Dave: Nnnno, that's not it. No, no - but something like that. It's uh . . .
Kevin: Okay, who was in it?
Dave: Orson Welles is in it. It's called . . .
Kevin: Then this is Citizen Kane. It's Citizen Kane.
Dave: Nnnno, that isn't it, but you're not far from it. It's uh . . .
Kevin: Well who else was in it?
Dave: Oh, um, I dunno.
Kevin: Was Joseph Cotten in it?
Dave: What else has he been in?
Kevin: The Third Man, The Magnificent Ambersons . . .
Dave: Oh, The Magnificent Ambersons. Yes, yes, yes, he was in it, yes. That's one of my favourite Orson Welles movies.
Kevin: Well this is definitely Citizen Kane then. You're talking about Citizen Kane.
Dave: Nnnno, no, no. But it's something like that. It's ci . . . ci, ci . . . Si. Si . . . sy . . .
Kevin: No, not sy. It's ci. Ci, ci.
Dave: Sy . . . sy . . . sy . . .
Kevin: It's ci, Citizen Kane.
Dave: Sy . . . sy . . . Psycho!
Kevin: No it's not Psycho.
Dave: It's Psycho.
Kevin: No, no, no, no, it's not Psycho. Is it about a motel owner who goes crazy and kills a woman in a shower?
Dave: No, no. I just told you it's about this newspaper tycoon, he has a sled called Rosebud, and they're all trying to--
Kevin: Then I guess it wasn't Psycho, was it?
Dave: No, it wasn't Psycho . . .
Kevin: [painfully] It was Citizen Kane!
Dave: No, it was an . . . angie, angie, angela-- angels! The Trouble With Angels.
Kevin: No, no, no. It wasn't The Trouble With Angels, no. That's a Hayley Mills vehicle, that's not even close.
Dave: The Front Page!
Kevin: The Front Page is a comedy. Did you laugh once?
Dave: No.
Kevin: Then I guess it wasn't The Front Page, was it?
Dave: Well what the hell was it then?
Kevin: Look, that guy has a newspaper. I'm going to borrow it, read the tv listings, and we'll settle this once and for all.
Dave: [holding him back] Please, I want to remember this myself--
Kevin: Please, I want to settle this-- [The two argue for a second until Kevin pushes Dave back into his chair] Just sit down! [Picks up a steak knife and drives it into Dave's hand, nailing it to the table]
Dave: Oh great. That's really going to help me to think. That's great. You know what? I almost had it. I almost had it but now thanks to you, I've gone blank. Thank you very much.
Kevin: What time was it on last night?
Dave: It was 11:30. We don't need the paper . . . The Paper Chase . . . paper, paper . . . Paperback Hero . . .
Kevin: Okay, what channel?
Dave: It was channel 3. Paper. Paper . . . paper . . .
Kevin: Aha!! Look! Citizen Kane. It was Citizen Kane! It was Citizen Kane! IT WAS CITIZEN KANE!! [crumbles up newspaper and triumphantly throws it on the floor]
Dave: . . . okay, big deal. Look, would you take the knife out? Just take the knife out.
Kevin: You admit you're wrong and I'll take the knife out.
Dave: Oh c'mon, grow up! Take the knife out.
Kevin: No, no, no. You never admit you're wrong. When you admit you're wrong, I'll grow up.
Dave: You're being very immature. Would you please just take the knife out?
Kevin: Why don't you admit you're wrong? You never admit you're wrong.
Dave: You're making a fool of yourself in front of everyone, alright? Would you please take the knife out? Take the damn knife out! [Kevin finally complies. Dave clutches his wounded hand] Ow! Oh geez. Listen, um, would you mind just calling me a-- uh . . . oh, what are they called? A uh . . .
Kevin: An ambulance?
Dave: No. No, I want a uh . . . a um . . .
Kevin: Do you want two guys in a van to come take care of your hand and bring you to a hospital?
Dave: Yes. Exactly, yes.
Kevin: Then you want an ambulance.
Dave: No I don't! I want a . . . uh . . .
Kevin: It's an ambulance.
Dave: No it isn't!
Kevin: You want an ambulance.
Dave: Sh!
Kevin: It's an ambulance.
Dave: Sh!
Kevin: You want an ambulance,
Dave: Sh!
Kevin: It's an ambulance.
Dave: Sh!
Kevin: You want an ambulance.
Dave: It's a . . . uh . . .
Kevin: No, you know what you want? [picks up his steak knife and drives it repeatedly into Dave's chest] You want a mortician! You want a mortician! You want a mortician! YOU WANT A MORTICIAN!! [slumps Dave's dead body over the table] This one is on me. Check please!
==========================
Bruce: Last time I saw him, we didn't even talk. We just watched "The Flintstones."
Kevin: It's always that way. The last time you see someone you just wish you had said more.
Dave: Yeah, but it's not like you know it's going to be the last time, right? I mean, if you knew it was going to be the last time, you'd say something.
Scott: Anything.
Dave: Yeah.
Mark: The stuff I remember about Reg--it's the little stuff like how he'd always make sure you had a lift home.
Dave: Even if you had your car with you he'd still insist on giving you a lift. Of course, the next day, you'd have to go back for your car. But, he'd give you a lift then, too, if he could.
Bruce: . . .If he could.
Mark: To Reg!
Kevin: My God, he could skate! I never saw a man more graceful on two blades and a sheet of ice.
Scott: Remember his hair?
All: Yeah.
Scott: It was always perfect.
Dave: Yet, you never saw him with a comb.
Mark: I can't believe he's dead.
Scott: To Reg!
Dave: To Reg!
Rest: To Reg!
Dave: Gee, you know guys, it seems like only yesterday we were a bunch of kids hangin' out, gettin' Slurpees. Next thing you know we all got jobs.
Kevin: . . .Or girlfriends. Next thing you know, they're moving in with ya.
Bruce: Next thing you know, you're out buying piano wire, good strong piano wire, and sneakin' up on ol' Reg while he reads.
Dave: Jobs become careers.
Kevin: Girlfriends become wives.
Bruce: And Reg becomes a lifeless corpse in your arms.
Scott: Kinda--it kinda makes you think about the furgility of life.
Mark: Not really. Remember how he fought back?
Scott: What a death grip! Almost broke my wrists!
Dave: Hey--easy to beat up; hard to kill.
All: To Reg!
Kevin: I wonder where he is now.
Scott: What?
Mark: He's in his shallow grave.
Dave: Yeah, out by the tracks. Don't you remember?
Kevin: No, no, no, no, no. I know where his corpse is. I meant spiritually. I wonder where his soul is.
All: Ohhhh.
Dave: You know guys, I'd like to think, if there is a heaven, our buddy Reg is up there helping folks out, maybe even jamming with Jimi Hendrix.
Scott: I didn't know he could play guitar.
Bruce: Oh, yeah, he was great.
Mark: Just goes to show you--you can kill a guy, fold him up, stuff him in a car trunk, and still you don't *really* know him.
Bruce: Although, you get to know a guy pretty quick when you watch him beg for mercy, eh?
Kevin: To good friends!
Scott: To good times!
Bruce: To ritualistic murders!
All: To Reg!
for some reason i always caught this rerun, and it made me laugh every time
---
[Bruce and Kevin are in adjoining hotel rooms. Bruce sits in a chair smoking a cigar, and Kevin sits on his bed, as they talk to each other on the phone.]
Bruce: What!
Kevin: [obviously very drunk] What?
Bruce: What!
Kevin: What?
Bruce: Stephen, you're drunk!
Kevin: What?
Bruce: Stephen, you're drunk and you're stupid, get off this phone!
Kevin: How can I go to bed when you keep calling?
Bruce: Stephen, you called me, you called me because you're drunk and you're stupid.
Kevin: You're...ugly.
Bruce: Stephen, your responses have been dulled by drink, drink and stupidity. Read a book and go to bed!
Kevin: You must've called fifty times.
Bruce: And you're drunk fifty times, and you're stupid as well. Stephen, get off this phone, it's for sober smart people.
Kevin: I love this phone, it's my phone.
Bruce: Stephen, it's a hotel phone.
Kevin: I'm not in a hotel.
Bruce: Yes you are, Stephen, go- go look at the towels, go look at the little soaps, maybe that will sober you up, Stephen.
Kevin: I know I'm in a hotel.
Bruce: Oh, good for you, Stephen, you're drunk, you're stupid, and you're in a hotel, are you happy, Stephen, are you happy?
Kevin: I am sober, fatso!
Bruce: Yeah, Stephen, I'm fat, I'm very fat. Tell me, are you drunk because you're stupid, or are you stupid because you're drunk?
Kevin: Quit quackin'! I'se thinkin' 'bout stuff.
Bruce: Oh, did it hurt, Stephen? Did it hurt to think? That's an old joke, Stephen, but you won't recall it because you're drunk and stupid and forgetful, and my God, how're you gonna fly on forty hours' sleep?
Kevin: Like a dove. [makes a flying motion with his hand]
Bruce: Like a drunk dove, like a drunk crow, hang up the phone, drunkard- Stephen, you're a disappointment. Not a surprise, but a disappointment.
Kevin: I know why I'm callin'! [gets up from the bed]
Bruce: Oh, good for you, Stephen! Welcome aboard to the human race, you can take off that mokey head now, Stephen! Welcome aboard, Stevie, welcome aboard!
Kevin: I know why I'm callin'!
Bruce: Why?
Kevin: May I borrow your minibar, sir?
Bruce: What?
Kevin: My minibar is empty- it's so small! [looks at the empty minibar]
Bruce: How'd it get empty, Stephen?
Kevin: I emptied it.
Bruce: Why?
Kevin: Consumption.
Bruce: Well, my minibar is empty as well.
Kevin: Ah-ha! You're drunk! [loses his balance and falls back onto the bed]
Bruce: Yes I am, but I'm not stupid, Stephen. Now listen, all I've got left is the champagne, the playing cards, and the cashew nuts. Now, do you want them?
Kevin: Yes.
Bruce: Alright. I'll send them over, Stephen, but listen, Stephen, for God sakes, don't play cards for money because you're drunk, and don't drink the champagne to celebrate how stupid you are. Eat the cashews and go to bed, and when you wake up, which'll be a half an hour from now, you'll say, "My God, I got drunk and spent eleven dollars on a handful of cashew nuts, boy am I stupid, luckily I'm no longer drunk."
[Kevin snores into the phone - he's fallen asleep with the phone balanced on his face.]
Bruce: You're drunk, you're stupid, and you're asleep on my phone line, what a frightening apparition you are.
---
[Bruce and Kevin are in adjoining hotel rooms. Bruce sits in a chair smoking a cigar, and Kevin sits on his bed, as they talk to each other on the phone.]
Bruce: What!
Kevin: [obviously very drunk] What?
Bruce: What!
Kevin: What?
Bruce: Stephen, you're drunk!
Kevin: What?
Bruce: Stephen, you're drunk and you're stupid, get off this phone!
Kevin: How can I go to bed when you keep calling?
Bruce: Stephen, you called me, you called me because you're drunk and you're stupid.
Kevin: You're...ugly.
Bruce: Stephen, your responses have been dulled by drink, drink and stupidity. Read a book and go to bed!
Kevin: You must've called fifty times.
Bruce: And you're drunk fifty times, and you're stupid as well. Stephen, get off this phone, it's for sober smart people.
Kevin: I love this phone, it's my phone.
Bruce: Stephen, it's a hotel phone.
Kevin: I'm not in a hotel.
Bruce: Yes you are, Stephen, go- go look at the towels, go look at the little soaps, maybe that will sober you up, Stephen.
Kevin: I know I'm in a hotel.
Bruce: Oh, good for you, Stephen, you're drunk, you're stupid, and you're in a hotel, are you happy, Stephen, are you happy?
Kevin: I am sober, fatso!
Bruce: Yeah, Stephen, I'm fat, I'm very fat. Tell me, are you drunk because you're stupid, or are you stupid because you're drunk?
Kevin: Quit quackin'! I'se thinkin' 'bout stuff.
Bruce: Oh, did it hurt, Stephen? Did it hurt to think? That's an old joke, Stephen, but you won't recall it because you're drunk and stupid and forgetful, and my God, how're you gonna fly on forty hours' sleep?
Kevin: Like a dove. [makes a flying motion with his hand]
Bruce: Like a drunk dove, like a drunk crow, hang up the phone, drunkard- Stephen, you're a disappointment. Not a surprise, but a disappointment.
Kevin: I know why I'm callin'! [gets up from the bed]
Bruce: Oh, good for you, Stephen! Welcome aboard to the human race, you can take off that mokey head now, Stephen! Welcome aboard, Stevie, welcome aboard!
Kevin: I know why I'm callin'!
Bruce: Why?
Kevin: May I borrow your minibar, sir?
Bruce: What?
Kevin: My minibar is empty- it's so small! [looks at the empty minibar]
Bruce: How'd it get empty, Stephen?
Kevin: I emptied it.
Bruce: Why?
Kevin: Consumption.
Bruce: Well, my minibar is empty as well.
Kevin: Ah-ha! You're drunk! [loses his balance and falls back onto the bed]
Bruce: Yes I am, but I'm not stupid, Stephen. Now listen, all I've got left is the champagne, the playing cards, and the cashew nuts. Now, do you want them?
Kevin: Yes.
Bruce: Alright. I'll send them over, Stephen, but listen, Stephen, for God sakes, don't play cards for money because you're drunk, and don't drink the champagne to celebrate how stupid you are. Eat the cashews and go to bed, and when you wake up, which'll be a half an hour from now, you'll say, "My God, I got drunk and spent eleven dollars on a handful of cashew nuts, boy am I stupid, luckily I'm no longer drunk."
[Kevin snores into the phone - he's fallen asleep with the phone balanced on his face.]
Bruce: You're drunk, you're stupid, and you're asleep on my phone line, what a frightening apparition you are.
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