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[GG-Duo]

"Homosexual Tearfully Admits To Being Governor Of New Jersey"

"America's Sweetheart Dumps U.S. For Some Douchebag"

"Republicans Outraged By Inaccuracies In Metallica Documentary"

After all these years, it's still pure comedy gold. These guys are absolute geniuses.





What are your favorite Onion headlines? Post'em here. (Quoting articles is probably against the ToS..)

 

[Wolfy]

The one about the bear raping the zoo keeper.

 

[Burger]

Archeologists uncover ancient race of Skeleton People.


It's just so STUPID!!

 

[Wolfy]

Cat Taught Not To Sleep In Wok

 

[xsarien]

The rather timely, though-provoking piece entitled "Get Your Fucking Shit Off of my Desk," by Herbert Cornfeld.

 

[Mejilan]

Dolphins Develop Opposable Thumbs (or something like that.)

 

[JackFrost2012]

Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?

 

[GG-Duo]

I loved their post-9/11 Special Edition - "HOLY FUCKING SHIT - ATTACK ON AMERICA". Which, imo, was 100% in good taste and was still hilarious.

An example of this balance is the article called, "America Longs to Care About Stupid Bullshit Again" (not an exact quote). The attached photo had a picture of Michael Jackson, Britney Spears, and other pop culture icons.

ohhhhh, and
"American Life Turns Into Bad Jerry Bruckheimer Movie"

 

[Justin Bailey]

"Microsoft patents 1's and 0's"

 

[Brendonia]

"Very Special Forces Employed in Iraq"

Hilarious if for nothing but the picture.

 

[Boogie9IGN]

The funny, it is strong with this one

 

[Joe]

"Yankees Ensure 2003 Pennant By Signing Every Player In Baseball"

 

[skip]

Special Olympics T-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game

^--their cruelest ever.

 

[Deleted member 1235]

Ride Mis-Pimped

 

[Tommie Hu$tle]

Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?

That one or the one about the couple that broke up and no one gave a fuck.

 

[belgurdo]

I loved their post-9/11 Special Edition - "HOLY FUCKING SHIT - ATTACK ON AMERICA". Which, imo, was 100% in good taste and was still hilarious.

An example of this balance is the article called, "America Longs to Care About Stupid Bullshit Again" (not an exact quote). The attached photo had a picture of Michael Jackson, Britney Spears, and other pop culture icons.

ohhhhh, and
"American Life Turns Into Bad Jerry Bruckheimer Movie"

I think it was "A nation longs to care about stupid bullshit again," and it had Gary Condit in there as well

 

[yoshifumi]

"Very Special Forces Employed in Iraq"

Hilarious if for nothing but the picture.

i actually did an essay on that article for an english class once

 

[Prince of Space]

God Gives Shout-Out to All His Niggaz

 

[Jak140]

Bully Not So Tough After Being Molested

Wish Fullfilled in Tragic Oscar-Meyer Accident

 

[Fowler]

I also vote for "Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs; "Holy Shit!" says Humanity"

 

[cubanb]

 

[shoplifter]

Bill Gates Grants Self 18 Dexterity, 20 Charisma

Marilyn Manson Now Going Door-To-Door Trying To Shock People


(sucks that they went to a subscription model)

 

[Prince of Space]

Their Our Dumb Century headlines are the best:

German Jews Concerned About Hitler's 'Kill All Jews' Proposal

Dastardly Japs Attack Colonially Occupied US Non-State
FDR: "We Conquered Hawaiians First"; French Surrender

Nagasaki Bombed 'Just for the Hell of It'
Second A-Bomb Would Have Just Sat Around Anyway, Say Generals; French Surrender

New Medical Report Finds Heavy Petting Linked to Communism
Touching Selves, Others in Impure Manner Exposed as Bolshevik Plot

Kennedy Slain by CIA, Mafia, Castro, LBJ, Teamsters, Freemasons
President Shot 129 Times from 43 Different Angles

Elvis Dead
Is Elvis Alive?

Schoolteacher, Kitten, Three Dozen Orphans to Fly on Challenger Tomorrow

 

[Patrick Klepek]

Bully Not So Tough After Being Molested

hahahah

 

[Crazymoogle]

I always rather liked the "Ask a Navy SEAL" Q&A column. Who would have thought that most of those personal life problems you see threads about on GAF could be solved with a few pounds of C4 and a blasting cap?

 

[skip]

Ask a Navy Seal, Ask a Gut-Shot Policeman, and Ask Sir Mix-A-Lot were freakin' classics.

 

[Greenpanda]

God Gives Shout-Out to All His Niggaz

this one, plus another one that escapes me at the moment.

 

[Fjord]

God, my computer hates me! vs God I hate that bitch.

 

[Fjord]

Special Olympics T-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game

That's the funniest thing I've seen all month, and its been quite a month.

 

[Shinobi]

"A Shattered Nation Longs to Care About Stupid Bullshit Again" is a great one. But nothing touches my all time favourite...

 

[Greenpanda]

another one that escapes me at the moment.

oh, yeah, "ACLU Defends Nazi's Right to Burn Down ACLU Headquarters" (or something very close to that)

 

[Galaron]

"Michael Jordon displeased with this month's burnt offerings."

The accompanying photo had MJ going in for a dunk with his tongue hanging out. But it was cropped so it looked like he was gagging on the fumes of a botched sacrifice. At the time, I was living in Chicago where he was treated as a god, so this one was particularly funny to me.

 

[Shinobi]

DMczaf would LOVE that one.

 

[Eminem]

it was something like "Jews Called Back to Egypt for Pyramid Duty"

or

"Christopher Reeves Set on top of Washington Monument"

 

[FoneBone]

Marilyn Manson Now Going Door-to-Door Trying to Shock People