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[Litigation Manuel]

Just wrote this not too long ago for a friend. Post or make up your own quick impromptu stories.


Okay, so this story takes place in the late 1920's. Me and E.E. Cummings were having a debate about Thomas Jefferson and his various affairs when suddenly Ralph Waldo Emerson rose from the grave and challenged us to fisticuffs! Me, a time travelling magician of sorts was confused by this proposal of fisticuffs. However, "double E" as I would call him rose to the occasion and called for his fisticuffs pants. Now these pants were incredible; all covered with bells and signatures of his friends. Now, these pants, besides being used in the event of fisticuffs, are entirely uninteresting; you should be ashamed for having heard of them. Anyway, right as Emerson goes in for a punch he breaks down into tears. We ask him "why? why are you crying?" to which he responds "I'm dead and nothing is going right for me! Ergo-" but before he could continue, me and double e burst out laughing.You see, in our secret little circle of friends, ergo came on to mean "ejaculate"; nonetheless we couldn't pass up the possibility to laugh at some dead transendentalist saying the word ejaculate!

Now, let's just consider, for one moment, that this whole event took place in Cuba, then, if you can handle that, let's just up it to considering that that whole event NEVER happened. Can you handle it? Good! Except for you, yeah, you in the front. With the short hair. I don't like you, and I don't want you to get the pleasure of "handling it." Yeah, that's right, cry, you're out of the story loop, and there's no hope getting back in, cause I move fast baby! (I called you a baby, you are not). AAANNYYYWAAAAYYY, in Cuba, as we all know, people do things a little differently.Some people say that they wear hats on their bottoms and gloves, too, on their bottoms! Don't ask me how, they just manage somehow! Now ( I say "now" a lot in this, though nowhere near as much as William S. Burroughs says "ejaculate" ((haha! I've said "ejaculate" 3 times! GASP! 4 times!)) ) while the Cubans have their gloves and their hats on their bottoms, you may assume that they would get cold. WRONG! You see, therein lies the magical cuban miracle: IT'S WARM! GASP! STOP! Stop reading! I've got to concentrate! I need to think for a moment, and while I'm thinking, you think, too. And I know you're just gonna think about your cousin, Short-Hair Kid, so again, this does not apply to you, and again, go cry. You see, I have to think about whether or not I should go back to the original plot line, with E.E. and such. Understandably so, I am tempted to make a joke about his last name, which cannot stand in such a work of class at this (ejaculate ((5)) ). Okay, I'm done, let us continue. Nay, let us stop. I'm tired. Plus, any longer and it will get gimmicky. And so, in the immortal words of E.E. Cummings, "Balls to that!"

 

[Maxwell House]

What.The.Fuck

 

[Xenon]

What.The.Fuck

 

[cubanb]

what.the.hell?

 

[Doth Togo]

:lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol

http://famguardian.org/Subjects/Humor/Multimedia/ARMAGG.wav

 

[Guzim]

 

[Litigation Manuel]

C'mon everyone! What's the confusion for? It's quite simple really! Me and E.E. Cummings were talking, a transcendalist rose from the grave to fight us, he breaks down in tears, we laugh at the word ejaculate, then we find out the whole event never happened and that some short haired kid is thinking promiscuous thoughts about his cousin! This is really quite trite, if you can't get it by now, I don't think I can help you. And Togo, what's with the riff-raff? I demand purity in my threads!

 

[Ninja Scooter]

Doggie says:
WHAT?
WHAT?

 

[BuddyC]

SETTING: SANTA'S WORKSHOP

HOLLY IS WORKING ON A TOY, BACK TO CROWD, SPACE HEATER IN CORNER.

DANNY ENTERS STAGE LEFT, SCREAMING

DANNY: We're under attack! The...snow...men..

DANNY FALLS TO THE FLOOR, DEAD

HOLLY: Oh god, Danny! DANNY! Wake up Danny!

HOLLY BEGINS CPR

THIS CONTINUES FOR 10 SECONDS OR SO, WITH HOLLY BREAKING DOWN AS SHE REALIZES THAT DANNY CANNOT BE REVIVED.

SUDDENLY, A CALM WASHES OVER HOLLY. SHE STANDS UP, ALERT, FOCUSED.

HOLLY: That's the last straw. First they try to take my job, then they kill my lover. This is war.

SNOWMAN #1 ENTERS STAGE RIGHT, BEHIND HOLLY

SNOWMAN #1: Is he....is...d..de...dead?

HOLLY: Yes. Just. Like. You.

SNOWMAN #1: Huh?

HOLLY RUSHES SNOWMAN WITH THE SPACE HEATER IN HER HANDS. SHE FORCES SPACE HEATER ONTO SNOWMAN'S CHEST AND HOLDS IT THERE UNTIL HE MELTS (STOPS SCREAMING).

END SCENE.

ANNOUNCER ENTERS STAGE RIGHT.

Announcer: Six months later.

ANNOUNCER EXITS STAGE LEFT.

SETTING: SANTA's WORKSHOP, NOW CONVERTED INTO COMMAND CENTER. EACH ELF HAS A HAIR DRYER TUCKED INTO THEIR BELT. HOLLY IS HUNCHED OVER DESK, BACK TO CROWD.

ELF #2 ENTER STAGE RIGHT.

ELF #2: Commander Holly, we're receiving communications from the Snowmen. It appears they want to negotiate.

HOLLY: We did it! We won! They’re surrendering!

ELF #2: Well, actually ma’am, it appears they want to negotiate our surrender.

HOLLY: ..wha?

ELF #2: Here’s…what we received.

ELF #2 HANDS HOLLY FAX, EXITS STAGE LEFT

HOLLY (reading aloud): Dear Santa’s Elves. You have put up an admirable fight, but it is time to lay down your heaters. We have your base surrounded. Should you not surrender within the next 24 hours, we will slaughter the lot of you. It’s up to you. Sincerely, Antoine the Snowman Leader.

HOLLY (stunned): Lt. Cheer!

ELF #2 ENTERS STAGE RIGHT, RUNNING

ELF #2: Yes Ma’am!

HOLLY: Is this accurate? Do they have us surrounded?

ELF #2 (staring at floor): I..I’m afraid so.

HOLLY: Do we know how many of them there are?

ELF #2: Intelligence reports at least 300…

HOLLY: That’s five snowmen for every elf we have here on base. How the hell did this happen?

ELF #2 LOOKS UP, GULPS

ELF #2 BEGINS STUTTERING SOME TYPE OF AN EXPLANATION.

HOLLY: No, nevermind. It won’t make any difference. You’re dismissed, we need to begin preparing for the battle.

END SCENE. HOLLY IS TO SIT IN HER CHAIR AND REMAIN STILL UNTIL HER PART IN MUSICAL BEGINS.

SETTING: SNOWMAN BASE (STAGE: TO THE RIGHT OF HOLLY’S COMMAND CENTER)

ANTOINE: Have we heard back from the elves yet?

SNOWMAN #1: No sir.

ANTOINE: A shame, but this was expected. Make sure your troops are ready for a fight, General.

BEGIN MUSICAL NUMBER #1: “WE’LL MAKE IT THROUGH AFTER ALL.”

ANTOINE: Santa Santa Santa
Don’t you realize what you’ve done?
You’ve damned us all to this stupid war.
They think it’s just begun.

The Elves are there because of that contract
And now it’s up, it’s our chance to rise!
And reclaim what once was ours.

Not many can remember
A time when we weren’t poor
But I can, I do, I will tell others
What we’re fighting for

It’s not our fault
That elves and snowmen
Are mortal enemies
We used to live in
Har-mo-ny
Until the money came.

The Jolly Red Man
Needed a labor force
One to work tirelessly
He weighed the pros
And he weighed the cons
Then he came to me

He said “Now Antoine boy,
I’m gonna give these elves a shot.
Gimme a buzz in two thousand years,
When the contract’s up.”

And then that Elf started coming by
Rubbing it in our faces
That the Elves and Santa were best of friends
And we were just disgraces

That Elf pushed and prodded
Picking fights with our kind
He stole and he killed without a care in the world
And that’s when the peace died.

So now it’s on, you prideful Elves.
You had a chance.
But now it’s over.
And now your time is up.

We’re the better workers.
We’re the better warriors.
We’re the better folks, you see.
We’ll make it through alright.

Yes, we’ll make it through alright.

 

[Gattsu25]

some of my old ones:

Hi my name is Gattsu25 and i am a poster on the neogaf forums i'm 21 years old and have a lot of fun with life yeah sometimes it's boring but when i feel tired i just think back at my older days back at the good times when life was colorful so you see it all started when the mad doctor dasp came up with this plan to really fuck around with life for everyone he wanted to RULE THE WORLD or so he said but his real ambition was to take control of the polar caps and create a global warming phenominam that would melt the ice caps and cause a giant fucking hurricane to come and mess everything up and freeze people even though that really makes no fucking sense anyway i went after him with my huge fucking sword and cut up his minions but when i reached him he tranformed into a huge fucking demon and started swinging everywhere and grabbed me by my flowing locks or burly cuffs but i resolved and cut my hair (and it's been short ever since) and started stabbing his ass but then he tried to sit on me and crush me with his fattness but i cut a bit before he landed and was able to safely hide in a small hole where a chunk of his ass was now when he stood up he looked down but couldn't find me then started to gurgle cause i DUG A HOLE TO HIS THROAT and killed him with my big sword but in his dying breath he put a curse on me so i needed to go to the west and i headed there and met up with this witch and she gave me some shavings of her underarms and told me to mix those with the tears of a unicorn but i said fuck it and ate them then i slowly tranformed into myself as i am now and damn is it fun but probably the most important part is where i realized it wasn't a dream

back when peru had an extermination and people who use guns get shredded to bits but then i show up with broadsword and completely own those fuckers eventually going down into hell itself to battle the minions of diabolos and with the sword at my side i defeat the evil lord but am eventually vanquished only to return after a time as the reincarnation of the lord of terror himself and with my army of cretonnes i eventually take over the world and am seemingly indestructible yet a large eyed triangle headed girl dressed like an elf and a giant burly fabio wannabe clad in bear skin begin to battle my armies and in the final confrontation i devastate them and when they are hanging on the last threads of life a single glowing dove lands in the battle and cries a tear of rejuvenation into their exposed bowels giving them strength to ultimately defeat me and restore peace to the world at last but at the cost of their very lives and after several years the world is back to normal but as time goes on the memory of their battle to save earth is turned to a fable and then soon forgotten giving me the strength to rise to power again

have you ever wondered what hell is like? hell is a dirty sandwich under your chair one that has been neglected for months well you see once i was really hungry so i decided to go dumspter diving for the uninformed thats basically being a bum because you have no life and suck but don't swollow but on this one trip i managed to find an old clock now i took this clock back to my ... place ... and me and the teddy we set the clock up on the top of the bo--apartment and i set the clock to ring at around six o clock in the morning now somewhere during night time some petty theif stole my clock so when i woke up it was too late to grab some food from the wendys (even though i lived near a mcdonalds you'd have to be fucking insane to eat that shit) so i walked off and saw this couch that was being thrown out to i took the coushins and saw this sandwich underneath one and i was so damn hungry that i ate it right away and was really happy until later that night when i was trying to go to sleep my stomach started to really hurt so i climbed out of the box--bed bed bed!! so anyways i climbed out and noticed that i had puked all over myself but wasn't willing to let that good food go to waste so down it went again but this time i started to get really sick and my stomach was rumbling but not because i was hungry no it was because i was really fucking sick and i started to puke my guts out but was able to shove them back in because i didn't want to die yet so i ran to the nearest hospital and they kicked me out and i told them to go fuck themselves and they did and i jerked off to it but bloody stuff came out and i said oh shit i must really be sick so i went over to my neighbors house and broke through their window and took a shit in their toilet and damn did that stink but i'm better now so it's all good

I remember a long time ago when i was in elementary school this one teacher wanted to teach me how to use proper grammar and to use paragraphs but i remember just sleeping in her class until this one day when i was outside at lunch these kids walked up to me and we went on a journey through the woods behind the school this one kid named paul was the first to die so we all started running when the goblin caught up with us and grabbed samuel by the neck and started taking chunks out of him and we all stood there and laughed because sam was a class act dick and we where happy to see him go but then the goblin turned to me and everyone was like oh shit so they all jumped infront of me but the goblin was smart and it just killed them all then i started running because it was close by and the school kids eyes where all missing from their heads to i was writing on the board that the teacher was stupid and she was like young man i'm going to teach you a lesson and she was really pretty so yeah we did that stuff but i was too young to know what was going on but then 9 days later she had a kid and that kid looked just like me only he was a different color and his face didn't have any of my features and his hair was different and everything else so then i had to pay child support but because i was only a kid they sent me off to some other country where i had to work out in the fields all day long making nike sneakers but after doing that till i was yesterday was really funny because i was playing halo and i was winning but then ronald mcdonald walked in so we all started beating the shit out of him and watching the blood ooze out of his ears made me laugh and remnember those days of my youth

i'm sure we've all had our fears of flying but when i was a kid it was a bit worse now i'm not talking about anything silly like a gremlin eating the wings of the plane and dooming everyone in it to a death thats torture knowing that your doomed to death because one of the wings is ripped off and the plane is flying straight into a mountain no i'm talking about a weak fear about flight that you might never get back on the ground and the plane will stay up there forever like i said it was a silly fear but a fear nontheless and this one flight when i was going to trinidad (where my mom's from) this one fat guy got on the plane also but he was really heavy and had to take two seats but i'm not so sure if i was afraid of him or of the brown crusts on his underwear that was visible or of the dried tomato sauce that was on his face or even on the beady eyes that were sunken into his head no i was more afraid of the huge fucking plasma cannon that he had for a right arm i'm telling you this guy was fat and when he walked his fat bubbled and shook around where his arm met the cannon and it was sorta mesmerizing but my mom told me not to stare at the fatass and i was like okay and then the plane took off and the guy looked at me with his mechanical eye and was like I'M GONNA EAT YOU, BOY and i was like oh teh noes so i ran into the bathroom and he started following me and i started running and his bulbous body was shaking the whole plane so i ran into the bathroom and this guy went to sit on me but i quickly ducked underneath him and ran through the small gap between his two porky legs and then he started chasing me again so i ran to the emergency exit and took the katana that was there to break the glass and did and then took the katana with me and jumped on the plane wing and then this fat guy BURST THROUGH THE FUCKING PLANE WALL and i had to jump to dodge him and he started chasing me up there so i jumped and planted my feet on the large mound of fat behind his head and jumped onto the top of the plane and started running circles around the guy while he was shooking his plasma cannon at me and i started slicing him up and then when i finally killed him a river of wet blubber poured out of his wounds and i started running along the top of the plane till i reached the tail and as i was about to jump off i was like oh shit i forgot my family so i ran in the plane and everyone was like hey gattsu25 you gotta help us the plane is gonna crash and i was like get the eff out my way and started cutting those fuckers' heads off until i finally found my family and i grabbed them and started running back to the outside of the plane when these stupid people grabbed my clothes and where like now we finally have the power to save ourselves and i got really pissed so i cut their hands off and ran outside and used my umbrella to safely land my family in the city of Port of Spain (which isn't even in spain but don't ask me about that) and then we had fun but we had to fly back but that's a tale for another day

The End.

 

[BuddyC]

Whoo, just finished my play.

Elves Vs. Snowmen

Characters:
HOLLY (ELF)
DANNY (ELF)
LT. CHEER (ELF)
ELF # 1
ELF # 2
ELF # 3
ANTOINE (SNOWMAN)
SNOWMAN # 1
SNOWMAN # 2
SNOWMAN # 3
SANTA

SETTING: SANTA'S WORKSHOP

HOLLY IS WORKING ON A TOY, BACK TO CROWD, SPACE HEATER IN CORNER.

DANNY ENTERS STAGE LEFT, SCREAMING, STUMBLING. AN ICICLE IS STUCK IN HIS CHEST.

DANNY: The...snow...men..

DANNY FALLS TO THE FLOOR, DEAD

HOLLY: Oh god, Danny! DANNY! Wake up Danny!

HOLLY BEGINS CPR

THIS CONTINUES FOR 10 SECONDS OR SO, WITH HOLLY BREAKING DOWN AS SHE REALIZES THAT DANNY CANNOT BE REVIVED.

HOLLY (Sobbing): Danny…my brother….noooo.

SNOWMAN #1 ENTERS STAGE RIGHT, BEHIND HOLLY

SNOWMAN #1: Is he....is...d..de...dead?

SUDDENLY, A CALM WASHES OVER HOLLY. SHE STANDS UP, ALERT, FOCUSED.

HOLLY: Yes. Just. Like. You.

SNOWMAN #1: Huh?

HOLLY RUSHES SNOWMAN WITH THE SPACE HEATER IN HER HANDS. SHE FORCES SPACE HEATER ONTO SNOWMAN'S CHEST AND HOLDS IT THERE UNTIL HE MELTS (STOPS SCREAMING).

END SCENE.

ANNOUNCER ENTERS STAGE RIGHT.

Announcer: Six months later.

ANNOUNCER EXITS STAGE LEFT.

SETTING: SANTA'S WORKSHOP, NOW CONVERTED INTO ELF COMMAND CENTER. EACH ELF HAS A HAIR DRYER IN TUCKED INTO THEIR BELT.
HOLLY IS HUNCHED OVER DEAK, BACK TO CROWD.

LT. CHEER ENTER STAGE RIGHT.

LT. CHEER: Commander Holly, we're receiving communications from the Snowmen. It appears they want to negotiate.

HOLLY: We did it! We won! They’re surrendering!

LT. CHEER: Well, actually ma’am, it appears they want to negotiate our surrender.

HOLLY: ..wha?

LT. CHEER: Here’s…what we received.

LT. CHEER HANDS HOLLY FAX, EXITS STAGE LEFT

HOLLY (reading aloud): Dear Santa’s Elves. You have put up an admirable fight, but it is time to lay down your heaters. We have your base surrounded. Should you not surrender within the next 24 hours, we will slaughter the lot of you. It’s up to you. Sincerely, Antoine the Snowman Leader.

HOLLY (stunned): Lt. Cheer!

LT. CHEER ENTERS STAGE RIGHT, RUNNING

LT. CHEER: Yes Ma’am!

HOLLY: Is this accurate? Do they have us surrounded?

LT. CHEER (staring at floor): I..I’m afraid so.

HOLLY: Do we know how many of them there are?

LT. CHEER: Intelligence reports at least 300…

HOLLY: That’s five snowmen for every elf we have here on base. How the hell did this happen?

LT. CHEER LOOKS UP, GULPS

LT. CHEER BEGINS STUTTERING SOME TYPE OF AN EXPLANATION.

HOLLY: No, nevermind. It won’t make any difference. You’re dismissed, we need to begin preparing for the battle.

END SCENE. HOLLY IS TO SIT IN HER CHAIR AND REMAIN MOTIONLESS UNTIL HER PART IN MUSICAL BEGINS.

SETTING: SNOWMAN BASE (STAGE: TO THE RIGHT OF HOLLY’S COMMAND CENTER)

ANTOINE: Have we heard back from the elves yet?

SNOWMAN #1: No sir.

ANTOINE: A shame, but this was expected. Make sure your troops are ready for a fight, General.

BEGIN MUSICAL NUMBER #1: “WE’LL MAKE IT THROUGH AFTER ALL.”

ANTOINE: They think it’s just about the boy
But this is so much more
More than a simple conflict
More like a war.

It’s not our fault
That elves and snowmen
Are mortal enemies
We used to live in
Har-mo-ny

But the Jolly Red Man
Needed a labor force
One to work tirelessly
He weighed the pros
And he weighed the cons
Then he came to me

He said “Now Antoine boy,
I’m gonna give these elves a shot.
Gimme a buzz in two thousand years,
When the contract’s up.”

And then that Elf started coming by
Rubbing it in our faces
That the Elves and Santa were best of friends
And we were just disgraces

That Elf pushed and prodded
Picking fights with our kind
He stole and he killed without a care in the world
And that’s when the peace died.

So now it’s on, you prideful Elves.
You had a chance.
But now it’s over.
And now your time is up.

We’re the better workers.
We’re the better warriors.
We’re the better folk, you see.
We’ll make it through alright.

ANTOINE SITS IN CHAIR, LIGHTING DARKENS HIS SIDE OF STAGE. HOLLY’S SIDE LIGHTS UP, BEGINNING HER PORTION.

HOLLY: Oh Danny boy
Wherever you are right now
That your death will soon be avenged
I just want you to know

The Snowmen are stupid and violent
They kill without reason
Well now it’s our turn
It’s Snowmen hunting season.

This shall be our final battle
One for supremacy
Elves will claim the victory
Just leave it all to me.

We’re the better workers.
We’re the better warriors.
We’re the better folk, you see.
We’ll make it through alright.

ANTOINE’S PORTION OF THE STAGE LIGHTS UP AGAIN, DUET BEGINS

HOLLY & ANTOINE:

They don’t have a chance against out might
Because we know what we’re doing
Here’s hoping they’re ready to meet their makers
‘Cause that is where they’re going.

Those ignorant fools don’t realize what they’ve done
They’ve brought this upon themselves
This is the final straw, the end has just begun.

We’re the better workers.
We’re the better warriors.
We’re the better folk, you see.
We’ll make it through alright.

Yes, we’ll make it through alright.

BOTH HOLLY AND ANTOINE SIT IN RESPECTIVE CHAIRS, LIGHTS DIM.

END SCENE.

SETTING: ELF COMMAND CENTER.

HOLLY ADDRESSING TROOPS (ELF #1, ELF #2, ELF #3, LT. CHEER)

HOLLY: And be sure to deflect any incoming blows with your Festive Fruitcake shields. We’ll be trying to take out as many as possible from afar with the Holiday Ham mortars, but it’s inevitable that some with make it through.

Everyone’s got their Candy Cane swords?

TROOPS CHEER, PUMP CANDY CANE SWORDS INTO THE AIR.

HOLLY: Here they come! Let’s give ‘em hell!

EXPLOSIONS CAN BE HEARD IN THE DISTANCE.

LT. CHEER PUTS FINGER TO EAR, RUNS TO HOLLY’S SIDE

LT. CHEER: Commander, it appears as if our defenses are already failing. The Snowmen just broke through the second barrier.

HOLLY: That means they’ll be inside the base…

SNOWMAN #2-#3 ENTER STAGE RIGHT WITH ICICLES IN HAND

SNOWMAN #2: …right about now.

ELF AND SNOWMEN TROOPS FIGHTING IN BACKGROUND, CANDY CANE SWORDS CLASHING WITH ICICLES

HOLLY LOOKS ON IN HORROR AS ELF #1 AND ELF #3 ARE STRUCK DOWN

ANTOINE ENTERS STAGE LEFT, BEHIND HOLLY. SNEAKS UP ON HOLLY AND STRIKES HER OVER THE HEAD, KNOCKING HER OUT.

ANTOINE: That’s it boys, we’ve got what we came for. Take the rest of them alive.

LT. CHEER AND ELF #4 ARE STRUCK IN THE HEAD, KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS.

SNOWMEN TROOPS DRAG HOLLY, LT. CHEER AND ELF #2 INTO CHAIRS, TIE THEM UP.

ANTOINE DUMPS BUCKET OF WATER ONTO HOLLY.

HOLLY AWAKENS, STARTLED. STRUGGLES TO FIND SHE’S TIES TO THE CHAIR.

ANTOINE: Wake up Commander, it’s time for you to admit your defeat. Soon your species will be wiped from the planet, and we Snowmen shall become Santa’s chosen. And it’s all thanks to your stupid little brother, Danny.

HOLLY (STRUGGLING): You don’t get to say his name!

ANTOINE: Oh yes, I do. It’s ironic, isn’t it? For all the harm he caused our people, for all the hate he fostered for us, in the end, it was him that gave us the strength to revolt.

HOLLY: What…what are you talking about?

ANTOINE: Surely, you must know of your brother’s unique…habits.

HOLLY: You’re mistaken. I had Elf Intelligence watching over him, he never so much went within miles of Snowmen territory.

ANTOINE: Well, isn’t this amusing. Are either of these Elf Intelligence?

HOLLY KEEPS HER MOUTH SHUT.

ANTOINE (ADDRESSING SNOWMEN TROOPS): Fine, we don’t have play nice if you don’t want to. Kill both of her companions.

HOLLY: No, wait.

HOLLY SIGHS

HOLLY: Lt. Cheer, the one to my left. She’s head of Elf Intelligence.

ANTOINE: Her name is Lt. Cheer?

HOLLY: Yes.

ANTOINE LAUGHS

ANTOINE: Oh, how delightfully festive. No wonder you Elves fell so easily. (COMMANDING SNOWMEN TROOPS) Wake her (INDICATING LT. CHEER).

SNOWMEN TROOPS DUMP COLD WATER ON LT. CHEER.

LT. CHEER AWAKENS.

LT. CHEER: Wha…what’s going on?

LT. CHEER NOTICES THE SNOWMEN, REALIZES SHE’S BEING HELD CAPTIVE.

LT. CHEER: Oh, shit.

ANTOINE: Now, Lt. Cheer, your Commander here informs me that she had no idea her brother was terrorizing the Snowmen for the past few years. Did you?

LT. CHEER REMAINS SILENT.

ANTOINE: Instead, we could just kill you now. It really doesn’t matter one way or another, but I’d rather the commander here die knowing what a bigot her brother was.

HOLLY IS VISIBLY UPSET WHEN ANTOINE REFERENCES HER BROTHER

LT. CHEER: It’s true, I’m afraid. He paid us, very very well, mind you, to keep his exploits hidden from you, Commander.

HOLLY IS VISIBLY SHOCKED.

HOLLY: …what kind of exploits are we talking about?

LT. CHEER: He’d go hunting, sometimes exterminating entire Snowmen settlements.

HOLLY REALIZES THE IMLPICATIONS OF THIS

HOLLY: So, this entire war is a result of my brother being a racist?

ANTOINE: Not really.

LT. CHEER: Basically.

HOLLY: And why wasn’t I informed of this upon my brother’s death, Lt. Cheer?

LT. CHEER: Because it really wouldn’t have made a difference, one way or another. They were already gathering forces for a full-scale invasion. We figured this would keep you motivated.

HOLLY: You deceived me. Everyone I’ve ever trusted has lied to me!

LT. CHEER: Oh, grow up. Stop acting like a teenager.

HOLLY: You’ve got a point there.

ANTOINE CLEARS HIS THROAT.

ANTOINE: How sweet. Now that you realize that the entire war was a façade, would you like to know the real reason behind it before you join your deceitful brother?

HOLLY: As long as you understand that the longer you keep us alive the better our chances of rescue, sure.

ANTOINE: Then I shall make it quick. Two thousand years ago, Santa Claus granted the Elves a labor contract. That contract is set to expire this year, and we Snowmen want it.

HOLLY: So, this entire thing is a result of you wanting jobs?

ANTOINE: Precisely.

HOLLY: And why didn’t you just ask us?

ANTOINE: Because we knew you’d say no.

HOLLY: Well, yes, I guess you’ve got a point.
ANTOINE: And now, Commander, it’s time for your death.

SANTA ENTERS STAGE RIGHT.

SANTA SURVEYS THE SCENE.

SANTA: Oh ho ho, what’s the meaning of this?

HOLLY: Santa, sir! Help us!

ANTOINE: Just the person we were hoping to run into. Do you remember when you told us to try again in two thousand years?

SANTA: Vaguely.

ANTOINE: Well, it’s been two thousand years. We Snowmen would really like to be your new labor force, sir.

SANTA: Well, the elves have been slacking lately….

SANTA HESITATES

SANTA: …but on the same note, they’ve been pretty reliable. How about you two work together for a bit?

LOOKS OF HORROR ON THE FACES OF ALL EXCEPT SANTA

SANTA: Brr, it’s cold in here, don’t you think?

SANTA TURNS ON HEAT

ALL SNOWMEN BEGIN TO MELT.

ALL SNOWMEN: Nooooooooo!

ELVES APPEAR RELIEVED.

HOLLY: Thanks for the help Santa, but why?

SANTA: Truthfully, I’ve always hated those Snowmen. Their cold hearts could never feel the joy of Christmas, not like you Elves.

SANTA UNTIES ELVES

BEGINS CLOSING MUSICAL NUMBER "WE MADE IT THROUGH AFTER ALL.”

HOLLY: So now the war is over
And the elves reign supreme
But now I’m left wondering
What does it all mean?

My brother was a bigot
The Snowmen greedy slobs
It turns out all they wanted
Were holiday jobs

Santa came and saved us
As only he could do
Now life goes back to normal
Though that’s not exactly true

Were we the better workers?
Were we the better warriors?
Were we the better folk, maybe?
Did we make it through alright?

These questions will stay with us
Until the end of time
As will the consequences
Of my brother’s crime.

But we’ll carry on and work away
Accepting what we’ve done
We’ll have to since the war is over
The time for peace begun.

ELF #2, LT. CHEER, HOLLY:

Who knows if we’re the better warriors?
Who knows if we were right?
The important part is we made it through.
We make it through alright.

Yes we made it through alright.

SANTA JOINS IN FOR LAST VERSE

ELVES (SAME TIME): Yes we made it.
SANTA (SAME TIME): Yes you made it
BOTH: Through.
Alriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!