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[Duck of Death]

That's right homies, Alone in the Dark opens tomorrow! Here's what the critics are saying about the esteemed Dr. Boll's latest adventure:

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/10003186-alone_in_the_dark/

"This horror film, spun off from an old Atari video game, is so inept on every level, you wonder why the distributor didn't release it straight to video, or better, toss it directly into the trash." -Stephen Holden, The New York Times

"The three stars have seen better days, but I'd like to think they could still do something classier and more dignified than this. Like gay porn." -Rob Vaux, Flipside Movie Emporium

"If nothing else, Alone in the Dark proves that it's possible to 'dumb down' a video game." -Philip Wuntch, Dallas Morning News

"Alone in the Dark offers ample evidence that House of the Dead helmer Uwe BollUwe Boll should put down his joystick -- quickly, before anyone else gets hurt." -Justin Chang, Variety

"As silly as it is stylish." -Kevin Thomas, L.A. Times

What's this? A somewhat positive review!? Uwe Boll has hit half a pin! He's Bolling us over!

 

[Matlock]

For what it's worth, the Kent Stater gave it the same rating as Million Dollar Baby. Although it was probably affected by this genius interview.

 

[MaverickX9]

:lol :lol

He has to be like Roman Polanski's illegimate child or something...

There has to be a reason as to why he is still able to make films. Let alone films with $20 million budgets.

Might as well just flush their money down the toilet.

 

[LakeEarth]

If he does Silent Hill, I will kill.

 

[MaverickX9]

Just found this interview with him: http://www.bloody-disgusting.com/features.php?id=57

Anything else you'd like to say? This is your chance to say anything you want.

Whatever fans wanna email me (info@bloodrayne-themovie.com) in regards of my upcoming projects like HUNTER-THE RECKONING, FEAR EFFECT, FAR CRY and DUNGEON SIEGE - they should send me their thoughts what they think what the basic of this games are etc! Also if fans wanna visit the set - and play as extras - contact me - we will make it happen.

 

[Archaix]

"Saying Uwe Boll’s Alone in the Dark is better than his 2003 American debut House of the Dead is akin to praising syphilis for not being HIV."
-- Nicholas Schager, SLANT MAGAZINE

:lol

Seriously, how did this guy get funding?

 

[Duck of Death]

Anything else you'd like to say? This is your chance to say anything you want.

Whatever fans wanna email me (info@bloodrayne-themovie.com) in regards of my upcoming projects like HUNTER-THE RECKONING, FEAR EFFECT, FAR CRY and DUNGEON SIEGE - they should send me their thoughts what they think what the basic of this games are etc! Also if fans wanna visit the set - and play as extras - contact me - we will make it happen.

Oh it's on, motherfucka!!

Seriously, we need to get support to sign up for extras and sabotage Uwe Boll's films. That, or take out the poor crew members who work their hardest to actually save Boll's films before he sabotages them himself.

 

[Matlock]

Just found this interview with him: http://www.bloody-disgusting.com/features.php?id=57

to: info@bloodrayne-themovie.com
from: Matlock

Dear Mr. Boll

Could you please look into the license for Metal Gear Solid? You could probably do it justice. For reference, I could play Solid Snake.

 

[MaverickX9]

Oh it's on, motherfucka!!

Seriously, we need to get support to sign up for extras and sabotage Uwe Boll's films. That, or take out the poor crew members who work their hardest to actually save Boll's films before he sabotages them himself.

If his next movie wasn't filming in Romania (yeah, I already checked it out)...I'd be in.

I don't know how much a plane ticket to Romania is, but it's probably not worth the hassle.

 

[Duck of Death]

He said he'd make it happen. He cares for his fans, he'll gladly pay the plane ticket for his special extras!

 

[MaverickX9]

Hey, it's worth a shot!

Free trip to Romania...might have to do a little ass kissing, though.

I could say that I liked House of the Dead...I'm sure I could.

 

[MC Safety]

I never get tired of telling this story:

A few years ago, former GameNow editor Ethan "Stealy McGrabbington" Einhorn and I went to see the screening for Uwe Boll's "House of the Dead" at the San Francisco film festival. When we got to the theater doors, we were stopped and patted down in case we were packing cameras.

Anyway, we sat down, and the cast was introduced. They went to the front of the theater, said their thanks, and then called Uwe Boll up.

I turned to Einhorn and said, rather loudly, "That's the cat that frisked me!"

I had been searched by the great director himself.

 

[jooey]

old atari game wtf

 

[KingGondo]

"on what the basic of this games are etc.!"

:lol

Hey Uwe, directors are supposed to do something called RESEARCH! For God's sake, it's not like you'd actually play the games yourself, would you?

 

[Ninja Scooter]

TO TRACK DOWN AN ANCIENT EVIL THEY HAVE BEEN TRAINED TO HUNT IT!

 

[Dan]

"As video game adaptations go, even Pong: The Movie would have a lot more personality."
-- Michael Rechtshaffen, HOLLYWOOD REPORTER

"Never trust a movie that opens with a written introduction scrolling by that's longer than the collected works of Tom Clancy."
-- David Hiltbrand, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

"Reid delivers her lines as though she is calling for another round of Mai Tais for the house."
-- Nell Minow, MOVIE MOM AT YAHOO! MOVIES

and...

"Obvious dry humping to inappropriate music doesn’t cut it in a horror flick – at least give us some skin."
-- Joshua Tyler, CINEMABLEND.COM

If we have to suffer through shitty movies being given solid funding and support, at least we can get some humor out of reviewers crawling over each other in order to write the funniest and harshest one sentence critique possible.

 

[sefskillz]

http://www.uweboll.com

 

[sefskillz]

If he does Silent Hill, I will kill.

Silent Hill is in good hands, Avary on the script and Gans directing.. have faith!

 

[ManaByte]

The only good thing Uwe Boll ever did was getting Lois Lane from Smallville naked. The problem is, you have to watch House of the Dead to see the titties.

 

[Richiban]

to: info@bloodrayne-themovie.com
from: Matlock

Dear Mr. Boll

Could you please look into the license for Metal Gear Solid? You could probably do it justice. For reference, I could play Solid Snake.

:lol :lol

I heart Matlock

 

[Matlock]

The only good thing Uwe Boll ever did was getting Lois Lane from Smallville naked. The problem is, you have to watch House of the Dead to see the titties.

Or, you know, use google.

 

[xsarien]

"The three stars have seen better days, but I'd like to think they could still do something classier and more dignified than this. Like gay porn." -Rob Vaux, Flipside Movie Emporium

Best. Critique. Ever.

 

[Duck of Death]

BUMPED BECAUSE MY THREAD IS GREATER

Well, I just got back from seeing Christian Slater's comeback film. I am at a loss. Believe it or not, I actually consider House of the Dead to be a better film. That film at least had something of a plot that was slightly coherent in causality. Alone in the Dark, on the other hand, makes absolutely no sense.

Here are some of the funniest parts:
-The opening of the film is a crawl of text that is like 5 minutes long and narrated by someone with a raspy voice. It's either Christopher Lambert, or a damn good impersonation. The text is absolutely ridiculous, something about a tribe of savages keeping a world of darkness at bay.
-Christian Slater and Tara Reid's completely random dry hump scene.
-An action sequence where Christian Slater randomly begins firing his SUN POWERED BULLETS!!!111 at teh darkness. Then zombies just sort of appear, and a commando unit.
-In the film's action centerpiece, the commando unit has some of the latest technology and weaponry at their disposal, like a laptop. Their perimeter consits of a 2 foot wall of tires. They get pwn3d.
-The "world of darkness" is actually just a big cave underneath an orphanage.
-Some random old guy is nice and pioneering at the beginning of the film, but he randomly becomes evil and the main villain.
-The music, my god the music. You have no idea.
-Stephen Dorf.

I'll say this, normally my friends and I are able to heckle a movie and thoroughly entertain the crowd for a movie such as this. For Alone in the Dark, we stopped about halfway through, completely stunned. The film was almost making fun of itself.

Next up: BloodRayne!!!

 

[Dan]

You couldn't wait and mock this with friends when it inevitably shows for free on cable?

Anyway...

Alone in the Dark ranked 13th for Friday's box office, bringing in a mere $845,000, significantly less than House of the Dead did while even being in 35% more theaters.

 

[Duck of Death]

You couldn't wait and mock this with friends when it inevitably shows for free on cable?

Anyway...

Alone in the Dark ranked 13th for Friday's box office, bringing in a mere $845,000, significantly less than House of the Dead did while even being in 35% more theaters.

Hell no, we take our act to the theaters! These people demand entertainment, and we usually give it to them.

Except for this one, there were only like 5 other people in the theater.

BOMB BOMB

 

[xsarien]

You couldn't wait and mock this with friends when it inevitably shows for free on cable?

I think it goes without saying that whether you see it in theaters, or on a cable movie channel, you're paying in more ways than one.

I refuse to see Alone in the Dark. I mean, okay, I would have seen it, but then I found out that Boll was directing it.

 

[enjoy bell woods]

BUMPED BECAUSE MY THREAD IS GREATER

Well, I just got back from seeing Christian Slater's comeback film. I am at a loss. Believe it or not, I actually consider House of the Dead to be a better film. That film at least had something of a plot that was slightly coherent in causality. Alone in the Dark, on the other hand, makes absolutely no sense.

Here are some of the funniest parts:
-The opening of the film is a crawl of text that is like 5 minutes long and narrated by someone with a raspy voice. It's either Christopher Lambert, or a damn good impersonation. The text is absolutely ridiculous, something about a tribe of savages keeping a world of darkness at bay.
-Christian Slater and Tara Reid's completely random dry hump scene.
-An action sequence where Christian Slater randomly begins firing his SUN POWERED BULLETS!!!111 at teh darkness. Then zombies just sort of appear, and a commando unit.
-In the film's action centerpiece, the commando unit has some of the latest technology and weaponry at their disposal, like a laptop. Their perimeter consits of a 2 foot wall of tires. They get pwn3d.
-The "world of darkness" is actually just a big cave underneath an orphanage.
-Some random old guy is nice and pioneering at the beginning of the film, but he randomly becomes evil and the main villain.
-The music, my god the music. You have no idea.
-Stephen Dorf.

I'll say this, normally my friends and I are able to heckle a movie and thoroughly entertain the crowd for a movie such as this. For Alone in the Dark, we stopped about halfway through, completely stunned. The film was almost making fun of itself.

Next up: BloodRayne!!!

The old man is the same guy who wants to experiment on the kids at the beginning of the movie.

But forget it, the movie is fucking incoherent and hilarious. Why did he want to unleash those monsters upon the world, and why the hell is everyone dead at the end? I thought Dorff's amazing timebomb destroyed all the aliens.