Something that I found to be hilarious, which showed up on another
newsgroup (I just lurk here too).
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On 1 Jun 1998 13:14:00 -0500, in alt.slack furplay <furplay@novia.net>
wrote:
I was getting a bit hungry last week, so since I had to drop off some
videos at the local Blockbuster ("Starship Troopers" and "Boogie Nights",
if you must know), I'd go and get some lunch at McDonalds. It somewhat
qualifies as a "food", at least until you get to dinner when you can make
up for it with some real nutrients.
As I approached, it seemed odd that there was more than the usual number
of morons going in there as well, along with a LOT of discarded Happy Meal
containers in the parking lot. I worried that it may be "brat night", but
noticed that the telltale sign of sprogs working up a good lawsuit were
abscent from the playground out front, so I pressed on.
Anyways, as I was placing my order, this sweaty, fatassed she-freak tries
to shove herself in front of me, screaming at the top of her lungs if they
still had any of those pelican "Teeny Beany Babies" they were plopping
into Happy Meals. It was bad enough that the line was extra long and extra
slow because the McBots in the burger mines were working franticly to fill
all those HM orders for the rest of the Beany-crazed herd.
I came close to wanting to grab this hippo and scream "GET OUT OF MY FACE,
YOU BEANY-BRAINED MORON!! *I* *AM* *HUNGRYYYYYY*!!!!" at the top of my
lungs, but Satan gave me a BETTER idea. Something with even MORE
devastating potential.
I looked towards the harried, humanoid shaped pimple-farm behind the
counter and asked how many of these Bobdammed pelicans they had left.
"Uh, about three", he said.
"Okay, I'd like to add THREE Happy Meals to my order, and make sure they
have those pelicans in there, OK?"
"Uh, Okay.......sure" he replied, catching onto why I would order that
many. It seemed to make him feel like he'd bring them to me on a McSilver
tray if they had one.
I gave Mrs. Jabba a bigassed smirk (ever see that part where the Grinch
grins from ear to ear?). She seemed so agast at the horror of her NOT
getting her precious fucking Teeny Beanies that I actually had to make
sure that when my order came up, she did'nt try to make a grab for one of
the Happy Meals and run for the door (I'm sure she would'nt move very
fast, but trying to stop THAT much mass may prove hazardous).
Instead, she screamed a bit shitfit, demanded to speak with the manager to
make me GIVE HER those pelican Beanies (the head McManager just simply
told her that it was "first come, first serve", and it was corporate
policy). Realizing that she was as much of a loser as she was fat, she
claimed that McDonald's & I were in on a conspiracy and swore that she was
going to sue me and the McDonald's Corporation for every thin dime we both
have and that were NOT going to get away with this, yatta-yatta-yatta,
oink oink oink, moooooooo. Yeah, right.
So there I sat, munching away on my McFood (there was enough there on the
tray to even make the cow woman explode), with my little droopy-ass
pelican toys sitting in full view so that as the Beany-morons left
empty-handed, they'd see my treasure before them and they would know
despair ("IIIIIIIIIIII-got, your-Beeeeeeeeee-nies! You-can-not,
haaaaave-none! You-are-all-reeeeee-tards!"). A few of them actually came
up to my table as I was eating and offered real money for them, but my
evil was in full bloom that hour, and I had other plans for these little
effigies of mediahype and human stupidity.
Before I departed (I was getting so full that I just ate the "meat" patty
in each HM and left the buns and fries untouched), I sliced off the
pelican heads and left each one perched on top of the straws of the
undrunk small drinks as a warning to those who try to fuck around with MY
personal space ever again (and used the ketchup packets to have simulated
congealed blood running down the straws and neck stumps of the bodies,
which I had placed in the uneaten buns). And to finish this masterpiece, I
took out a marker to make a little billboard out of one of the HM boxes
turned inside-out to write "BEANIES SUCK!!". It looked like a diorama of
Vlad Teppes' visit to McDonaldLand.
I wish I had a camera to photograph the table before I left, but I get a
feeling some of the workers may have done so before they cleared it off.
I'm sure it made their day after their harrowing shift in Beanybrain Hell.
I've got to ask them if they can make me print when I go back there some
day.
Sure, I may have wasted a lot of good food and passed up the chance to
make some moron money, but the chance to commit evil like this has NO
price tag.
