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[bishoptl]

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/040720

My personal favourites:

0.7 -- Marty Jannetty after being thrown through a plate-glass window by Shawn Michaels

5.4 -- Tommy Vercetti being betrayed by Lance Vance in "Grand Theft Auto: Vice City" ... Roddy Piper after Adrian Adonis and Don Muraco jumped him on "Piper's Pit."

6.5 -- Steve Largent's revenge on Mike Harden.

(Reader C. Weaver explains: "In 1988, Harden knocked out two of Largent's teeth with an illegal hit and put him on the IR for a bunch of games. The next time Seattle played Denver, Harden picked off a pass intended for Brian Blades and looked like he was going to score, but Largent scorched his way across the field and just destroyed Harden with a devastating and perfect-form tackle. Largent hit him so hard that the ball came loose and Largent recovered it. The hit was so nasty that it was a part of NFL telecast montages for years afterwards. Later, Largent called it the favorite play of his career. And this guy is in the Hall of Fame. Whenever sports vengeance is mentioned, that hit stands out for me. Totally legal and totally bloodless.")

7.5 -- Cam Neely beating the holy bejeezus out of Ulf Samuelsson.

(Reader Richard Harb explains: "Ulf blew out Cam's knee, leading to the thigh muscle calcification and hip injury that eventually ended his career. I was at the Garden when they first played against each other after that, when Neely went after him after Ulf took a cheapshot after the whistle on one of the B's players after Barrasso had frozen the puck. It was the loudest I had ever heard the Garden, louder than C's championship games, B's Stanley Cup games, anything. I've never seen a man more angry than Neely. My best friend Ted had season tix at the Garden, first balcony, front row, on the blue line above where the scrum was, and Neely was on a mission. Just raw emotion. You couldn't blame him.")

8.0 -- Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me A River" video.

(Note: The most underrated example of vengeance on this list. After Britney cheated on him, not only did he dump her, he put out a best-selling album fueled by a song about their breakup in which he basically destroys her with the lyrics. Just an unbelievable piece of work. It's devastating. I can't even imagine what she did when she first heard it. And if that wasn't enough, he made a well-received video about the song, starring a Britney look-alike. And if THAT wasn't enough, he immediately started going out with Cameron Diaz. By the time he was done, Britney's career was in the tank -- she was chain-smoking and hanging out with backup dancers and white trash guys from her hometown. Now that, my friends, is vengeance. Bravo, Justin. Bravo.)

9.1 -- Tupac Shakur recording "Hit 'Em Up."

(Note: In my book, the most devastating rap song of all-time. And you wonder why Pac was murdered. This made "Who Shot Ya?" look like it was written by James Ingram and Michael McDonald. Every line is crossed: This one has death threats, admissions of sleeping with other people's wives, jokes about sickle cell, mama jokes and at least 100 F-bombs. I'm not kidding. And while we're on the subject, "We ain't singin', we bringin' drama - f--- you and your motherf----- mama!" remains the greatest single moment in 2Pac history. And yes, I know I'm white.)

Go read! Now!

 

[Ripclawe]

5.7 -- Vince McMahon against Ted Turner and WCW ... Sonny Corleone beating up Connie's scumbag husband Carlo in the streets of New York (penalty points for the punch that missed by two feet).

HAW HAW

 

[DMczaf]

8.4 -- MJ's performance during the entire '96 season, a direct response to everything that happened with Nick Anderson and the Magic in the '95 playoffs.

Wooooooo!

7.3 -- MJ's reaction after Karl Malone won the '97 MVP Award ... Hakeem's reaction after David Robinson won the '95 MVP Award ... Sammy Sosa sending approximately 450 hitmen to Tony Montana's Miami compound to have him killed at the end of "Scarface."

LMAO!

 

[Fifty]

We should have an Official Sports Guy Thread

This column rocked....Might as well plug his site, and his last column as well.



ESPYs

Sports Guy's World

 

[DMczaf]

MJ appears on the Vengeance Scale a whopping eight times. If that doesn't tell you why he was the greatest NBA player of all time, I don't know what does.

 

[Incognito]

8.0 -- Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me A River" video.

(Note: The most underrated example of vengeance on this list. After Britney cheated on him, not only did he dump her, he put out a best-selling album fueled by a song about their breakup in which he basically destroys her with the lyrics. Just an unbelievable piece of work. It's devastating. I can't even imagine what she did when she first heard it. And if that wasn't enough, he made a well-received video about the song, starring a Britney look-alike. And if THAT wasn't enough, he immediately started going out with Cameron Diaz. By the time he was done, Britney's career was in the tank -- she was chain-smoking and hanging out with backup dancers and white trash guys from her hometown. Now that, my friends, is vengeance. Bravo, Justin. Bravo.)

Fuck yeah!!! That album is the shit! If I were to ever see Britney in public, I'd smack the ugly off of her. Cheating on Justin, what a fucking hoe. I'm still pissed.

 

[bishoptl]

Is Justin your brother or something?

 

[AirBrian]

9.1 -- Tupac Shakur recording "Hit 'Em Up."

(Note: In my book, the most devastating rap song of all-time. And you wonder why Pac was murdered. This made "Who Shot Ya?" look like it was written by James Ingram and Michael McDonald. Every line is crossed: This one has death threats, admissions of sleeping with other people's wives, jokes about sickle cell, mama jokes and at least 100 F-bombs. I'm not kidding. And while we're on the subject, "We ain't singin', we bringin' drama - f--- you and your motherf----- mama!" remains the greatest single moment in 2Pac history. And yes, I know I'm white.)

This is absolutely my favorite.

 

[Incognito]

Is Justin your brother or something?

I'm his biggest fan. From his great lyrics, to his catchy beats, and awesome dance moves...well, I'm rambling. Justin is just the man.

 

[DMczaf]

I'm his biggest fan. From his great lyrics, to his catchy beats, and awesome dance moves...well, I'm rambling. Justin is just the man.

 

[calder]

Shit! You not only posted the colum before I was done reading it but you picked the highlights I was going to pick (Neely, Timberlake, the awesomeness of Hit Em Up)!

Awsome column. Thank god Simmons left the Kimmel show, he's been on fucking fire for a month now with huge, great columns almost every second day.


As far as the Vengence Scale goes, I would add the Piestany Punch-up. 1987, Team Canada is almost guaranteed a medal and have a shot at the gold if they win by more than a couple of goals while the Soviets are out of contention, and the Canadians are winning the game and controlling play. But after a few periods of the chippiest, dirtiest hockey you can imagine (the Soviets did pretty much everything but wipe their asses at centre ice with a Team Canada jersey to goad the Canadians into penalties) some outright lunatic weirdness with a Soviet trainer maybe throwing a puck on the ice to obscure a Canadian goal lead to a brawl of epic proportians.

The actual Vengence comes when 5'9" Theo Fleury is battling 2 Soviet player and actually almost holding his own, when Pat Burns notices. Burns is still a part time Montreal cop at this point, and he's got 2 of Team Canada's burlier players in near headlocks to keep them off the ice (and unsuspended). When Burns sees Theo getting beat down he literally THROWS Luke Richardson on the ice and points at Fleury. Watching Richardson (1900 career PiM in the NHL) destroy first one guy then the other was pure magic.

 

[bishoptl]

I need to see this. Any footage?

 

[sc0la]

Bill Simmons is white?

 

[bishoptl]

Orin is black?

 

[bionic77]

9.3 -- Muhammad Ali vs. Ernie Terrell and Floyd Patterson.

(Note: These were the two "What's my name?" fights, when Ali displayed a dark side because they kept calling him Cassius in the weeks leading up to the fight. Big mistake. BIG mistake. The Patterson fight is legitimately depressing to watch -- Ali carries him for about eight rounds longer than he needed, just so he can keep torturing him. Hard to believe this was the same guy who was wobbling around and throwing those painful jabs against Jeter last week.)

The Greatest should have been at the top.

Also, I gotta give this guy props for his obvious love of Blood Sport and Karate Kid.

 

[sc0la]

6.8 -- Eric Clapton's entire "August" album ... Conan the Barbarian (once he gets mad in the movie) ... Patrick Swayze cleaning house after Sam Elliott's character is killed in "Road House" ... the Kenneth Starr investigation of President Clinton and Whitewater.

These all fit in with modern GA 6.8 conventions.

Bill Simmons = lurker?

 

[DarienA]

Best Sports Guy Column ever.

 

[Fifty]

Bill Simmons is white?

His picture has only been in every single column he's done for at least a year

 

[sc0la]

His picture has only been in every single column he's done for at least a year

I suspected I would get that response. And I can honestly say I was never cognizant of it untill today.

 

[Bat]

This is absolutely my favorite.

Same here. After seeing "Who Shot Ya?" I was thinking that he'd somehow leave out Hit Em' Up. Luckily, he did not....

 

[Shinobi]

Wow...just for referencing the ridiculously sick "Hit 'Em Up", Simmons will forever be a god of columnists. Eminem's complete and utter owning of Benzino is a major omission though.

 

[sc0la]

speaking of omissions he forgot

which would have also made for the perfect opportunity to mention the ever vengent jackie christie

 

[Mike Works]

The actual Vengence comes when 5'9" Theo Fleury is battling 2 Soviet player and actually almost holding his own, when Pat Burns notices. Burns is still a part time Montreal cop at this point, and he's got 2 of Team Canada's burlier players in near headlocks to keep them off the ice (and unsuspended). When Burns sees Theo getting beat down he literally THROWS Luke Richardson on the ice and points at Fleury. Watching Richardson (1900 career PiM in the NHL) destroy first one guy then the other was pure magic.

Damnit Calder, we need to see this.

 

[Shinobi]

I've always heard about that brawl, but I've never seen highlights of it (except I think a brief clip where the brawl went so long, they simply shut off the lights...and they still kept fighting

).