CrocMother
Banned
The NFL exists in a world where Good and Evil are in a state of constant battle,
Where one week you are climbing the power rankings,
And the next you are losing by 15 to the Dolphins.
But no matter which side of the battle you stand on,
One thing remains forever true,
Your team sucks and is going to be exposed,
Probably to the Jets or Bucs on the road or something.
Heroes and Villains doesn't mean much,
When everyone is a fraud.
Meet this Week's Heroes:
Dak Prescott
Powers: Poise, Having Best OL in Football, Luck
Weaknesses: Own coach referred to him as "Hannibal Lector", a little too calm if you know what I mean. Slight chance Tony Romo poisons his gatorade.
Colin Kaepernick
Powers: Raising awareness about important social issues facing our country
Weaknesses: Veganism, playing quarterback
Yanet Garcia
Powers: Weather forecasting, Instagram
Weaknesses: Boyfriend is Giants fan, has Boyfriend, Trejo stalker
Carson Wentz
Powers: Virginity, very good tipper, battery resistance
Weaknesses: Philadelphia, ginger, Eagles, Halapoulivaati Vaitai
Sam Bradford
*Picture redacted for safety*
Powers: Using death stare to garner huge contracts, Best D in NFL
Weaknesses: Has less physical durability than Samuel L. Jackson's character in Unbreakable
Hue Jackson
Powers: QB whisperer, convincing fans team is "moving in the right direction" despite terrible losses, 8-8
Weaknesses: Art Briles, roster, injuries
Odell Beckham Jr.
Powers: Being really damn good at football
Weaknesses: Everything else
And the Villains
Brock Osweiler(maybe if he's a villain he will become interesting)
Powers: Making too much money to be benched, defeating Brady
Weaknesses: John Elway, passing, running, Tom Savage
Tom Brady
Powers: Cheating, Being in AFC East, Gronk, Belichick
Weaknesses: Wells Report, nude sunbathing, dancing
Vontaze Burfict
Powers: Injuring players, Somehow tearing Ben Roethlisberger's meniscus despite apparently being thousands of miles away at the time
Weaknesses: Suspensions, Bengals, stupidity
Roger Gooddell
Powers: Making your skin crawl, White guy in suit, has support of NFL Owners
Weaknesses: Controlled by NFL owners, possibly some kind of Manchurian Candidate thing going on
Donald Trump
*Picture redacted because you can't post pictures of shit
Powers: Fuck this guy
Weaknesses: No seriously, fuck this guy
Also Featuring:
Ben McAdoo
Powers: Porn Stache, Amateur Bowling Champion
Weaknesses: Playcalling as HC, finding a suit that fits, Owner of failing hot tub outlet in Freehold, New Jersey
AND making a special appearance this week....
Landry Jones
Powers: High knees, great arm movement
Weaknesses: None
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GAMES THIS WEEK
BYES: DAL, CAR
10/20
CHI @ GB
10/23
CLE @ CIN
WAS @ DET
OAK @ JAX
NO @ KC
BUF @ MIA
BAL @ NYJ
MIN @ PHI
IND @ TEN
SD @ ATL
TB @ SF
NE @ PIT
SEA @ ARI
10/24
HOU @ DEN
