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[goodcow]

http://www.goodcowfilms.com/films/screenplays/first_kiss_first_draft.pdf

I wanted to challenge myself and do drama as opposed to comedy. It's the story about a boy's first kiss.

This first draft was handed in, and revisions are due in two weeks. So I'm curious as to what you like/don't like.

 

[Memles]

I'll bite.

The resolution is TOO awkward. I know the entire idea seems to be resolved around the kiss itself, but when it comes everything goes into a literal downward spiral. I think, considering it's what you want the entire script to revolve around, it has to provide a climax. I understand the need to keep it "innocent" but all the talk before it weakens the end of the script a little too much. Perhaps a tiny bit less awkwardness would make it seems less weak in terms of a conclusion.

The rest is fine, and cute and all...but I think, considering its short length, there isn't much time to get any depth on peripheral characters. Both the father and this "Mike" character seem to be literally nothing but one dimensional plot devices. An angry father to make us empathize for the main character and another guy to ruin the moment. I am no screenplay writer (I write plays, it's pretty different) but even in a short screenplay it is important that character other than the leads at least have some sort of motivation in what they're doing; simply using them to advance the plot without any further development weakens the story in general.

Just my two cents, seems light-hearted and cute through the rest of it (Cheesy montages intact).

 

[goodcow]

I'll bite.

The resolution is TOO awkward. I know the entire idea seems to be resolved around the kiss itself, but when it comes everything goes into a literal downward spiral. I think, considering it's what you want the entire script to revolve around, it has to provide a climax. I understand the need to keep it "innocent" but all the talk before it weakens the end of the script a little too much. Perhaps a tiny bit less awkwardness would make it seems less weak in terms of a conclusion.

The rest is fine, and cute and all...but I think, considering its short length, there isn't much time to get any depth on peripheral characters. Both the father and this "Mike" character seem to be literally nothing but one dimensional plot devices. An angry father to make us empathize for the main character and another guy to ruin the moment. I am no screenplay writer (I write plays, it's pretty different) but even in a short screenplay it is important that character other than the leads at least have some sort of motivation in what they're doing; simply using them to advance the plot without any further development weakens the story in general.

Just my two cents, seems light-hearted and cute through the rest of it (Cheesy montages intact).

I agree with the George/Mike characters, but that's more an issue of not having enough pages to really expand them. I wanted to get this first draft done, get feedback, and then figure out how to flesh them out more while keeping it a short.

But on the first issue, I have to disagree, because the talk before the kiss is where the script "hits its stride" according to the professor, and many others in the class liked that whole bit as well.

 

[Memles]

I agree with the George/Mike characters, but that's more an issue of not having enough pages to really expand them. I wanted to get this first draft done, get feedback, and then figure out how to flesh them out more while keeping it a short.

But on the first issue, I have to disagree, because the talk before the kiss is where the script "hits its stride" according to the professor, and many others in the class liked that whole bit as well.

And guess me and teenage meoldramatic awkwardness aren't best of friends; it's well written, but it just doesn't work for me. What can I say?

 

[goodcow]

And guess me and teenage meoldramatic awkwardness aren't best of friends; it's well written, but it just doesn't work for me. What can I say?

You can say it didn't work for you.

I appreciate your time reading and commenting on it. Now to figure out what to do with George and Mike more...

 

[fart]

it sucks




HAHA I DIDN'T READ IT SUCKER EAT THAT

 

[teiresias]

The nerd in me wants to know if you used a Word plug-in for the formatting, did the formatting by hand, or used something like Movie Magic Screenwriting or Final Draft. :lol :lol

 

[Manics]

What was up with Kim always hanging around Matt while wearing pajamas? Her parents are ok with her lounging around in pj's whenever a guy is over? Sounds like she was looking for something more than a kiss but Matt was too much of a pussy to go in and take what he should have.

 

[Memles]

What was up with Kim always hanging around Matt while wearing pajamas? Her parents are ok with her lounging around in pj's whenever a guy is over? Sounds like she was looking for something more than a kiss but Matt was too much of a pussy to go in and take what he should have.

Once you're in college, people wear pyjamas all the time, so maybe she's just practicing. Pyjamas are sexual now? Hot damn, now I'll assume every girl in pyjamas wants to fuck me!

Seriously; it's not lingerie, get your head out of the gutter.

 

[Drozmight]

The nerd in me wants to know if you used a Word plug-in for the formatting, did the formatting by hand, or used something like Movie Magic Screenwriting or Final Draft. :lol :lol

If I were to start writing a script, I'd probably get this...

http://www.passarella.com/screenpro/

 

[NLB2]

They're 17? Sounds more like 12 year olds than 17 year olds. And also what kind of guy complains about something not being spontaneous enough?
I enjoyed your story though. The setting of Queens took me by suprise, I was assuming he was some suburban kid.

 

[goodcow]

The nerd in me wants to know if you used a Word plug-in for the formatting, did the formatting by hand, or used something like Movie Magic Screenwriting or Final Draft. :lol :lol

It's a template for Word from my screenwriting professor.

http://www.goodcowfilms.com/web/BLANK SCREENPLAY WITH TEMPLATE.doc

What was up with Kim always hanging around Matt while wearing pajamas? Her parents are ok with her lounging around in pj's whenever a guy is over? Sounds like she was looking for something more than a kiss but Matt was too much of a pussy to go in and take what he should have.

She’s confused as to what she wants. Matt is a good friend, and they get along very well, and there’s chemistry there, but she’s coming off of a breakup (Mike, though again this is just implied since I didn’t have enough pages to have a whole backstory unless I wanted to slam the audience over the head with exposition). Matt in the meantime has this father who is an asshole. It’s clear he can’t really bring people over there, and he even has to lie about where he’s going when it comes to going to a female friend’s house because he’s unsure of what the asshole father will say. Matt wants something there with her, but because of all this stuff with his father, he wants things to be perfect, and more of a fantasy, which is why being told to come over for the sole purpose of kissing is bizarre, and clashes with what he wants, so he hesitates.

And also what kind of guy complains about something not being spontaneous enough?

One whose father has made his life very fucked up, such that he has to escape into these little fantasies.

 

[mattx5]

I just started reading, but I can't help but laugh at that reference you made to your carboard box monster movie :lol