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[RagnarokIV]

In work my coworker said “have some of these” while holding a large bag of pistachio nuts.

I don’t want to seem rude and said sure, thanks and held out my hand. Expecting a few.

The coworker basically lifts the bag and pours them all over my hand, so I switch to 2 hands and they spill over my desk and everywhere. So I just eat them all.

Now I’m home and have had a bottle of wine and the pistachio nuts have kicked in big style. I’m fucken farting like mad, shitting and then farting a deadly duo of blanks and Mr whippee choco ice creams. Already shit my pants once by accident.

Currently typing this from my phone on the toilet as my ass makes squelching sounds.
The Mrs “are you shitting again?”
Yes love, 8th time now.
“Aww”

I’ve wiped my ass so much it’s bleeding. Now when I fart it’s like a blast of blackcurrant juice into the toilet bowl.

PTSD flashbacks to the time as a teenager when I ate a bag of pistachio and shit my pants on the way home.

The worst part is that I have OCD and I’ve left my OLED monitor on a title screen so I’m also worried I’ll get screen burn as well as anal burn.

 

[Adapting]

Go to a doctor???

 

[RagnarokIV]

Go to a doctor???

It doesn’t happen every day man, just the pistachios pushed me over the edge. Plus I’d shit myself on the way to the doctor anyway.

I’m basically that guard in Metal Gear Solid 1 now.

 

[badblue]

 

[Hunter 99]

Hahahahaha omg I just read this thread out loud to my wife and we are both literally cracking up!!!
Sorry your going through this, just don't eat pistachios again.they don't agree with you
Holy shit,pardon the pun,who would have thought pistachio could do so much damage?

 

[Nostalgic Nightmare]

If the coworker had been holding his penis in a bag, would you still have held out your hand?

 

[T8SC]

 

[winjer]

 

[Chuck Berry]

I’ve wiped my ass so much it’s bleeding. Now when I fart it’s like a blast of blackcurrant juice into the toilet bowl.

 

[eddie4]

 

[Hudo]

In work my coworker said “have some of these”

That's your mistake. You never ever take anything from your coworkers. That's either just to get their foot in the door to make you do something for them or to fuck you over. In your case, it was the latter.

 

[TDiddyLive]

If the coworker had been holding his penis in a bag, would you still have held out your hand?

You don’t want penis germs on your hands!

OP:”I don’t want to seem rude…”

 

[John Marston]

PTSD flashbacks to the time as a teenager when I ate a bag of pistachio and shit my pants on the way home.

Then why did you eat pistachios again?
I'm pretty sure your coworker would not have been offended.

I was sick 2 times after eating KFC; once at 9 and again at 15 years old.
That was it, no more KFC, lesson learned

I hope you feel better and thanks for the entertainment

 

[lifa-cobex]

Shit happens

 

[Quasicat]

This is an everyday occurrence for the people of this world lacking a gall bladder.

 

[Trilobit]

The worst part is that I have OCD and I’ve left my OLED monitor on a title screen so I’m also worried I’ll get screen burn as well as anal burn.

Your butt will have a burn in the shape of a pistachio. Also, don't eat them, you clearly have some kind of oversensitivity/allergy.

 

[Trogdor1123]

Why do people over share?

 

[El Muerto]

You're not getting enough fiber in your diet. This is why you are shitting your whole ass. If you get enough fiber daily you wouldnt have this problem.

 

[SJRB]

Noro virus. High mortality rate.

You're not gonna make it.

 

[poppabk]

In work my coworker said “have some of these” while holding a large bag of pistachio nuts.

I don’t want to seem rude and said sure, thanks and held out my hand. Expecting a few.

The coworker basically lifts the bag and pours them all over my hand, so I switch to 2 hands and they spill over my desk and everywhere. So I just eat them all.

Now I’m home and have had a bottle of wine and the pistachio nuts have kicked in big style. I’m fucken farting like mad, shitting and then farting a deadly duo of blanks and Mr whippee choco ice creams. Already shit my pants once by accident.

Currently typing this from my phone on the toilet as my ass makes squelching sounds.
The Mrs “are you shitting again?”
Yes love, 8th time now.
“Aww”

I’ve wiped my ass so much it’s bleeding. Now when I fart it’s like a blast of blackcurrant juice into the toilet bowl.

PTSD flashbacks to the time as a teenager when I ate a bag of pistachio and shit my pants on the way home.

The worst part is that I have OCD and I’ve left my OLED monitor on a title screen so I’m also worried I’ll get screen burn as well as anal burn.

Make sure to tell your wife 'happy valentines' between squirts into the bowl.

 

[RagnarokIV]

Then why did you eat pistachios again?

I didn’t even realize until I was shitting what caused. To be fair, on both instances I didn’t just eat pistachios. I massively overate pistachio!

 

[DKehoe]

You should eat some more pistachios. What's the worst that could happen at this point? They make you shit yourself a third time? Seems unlikely.

 

[HAYA8U5A]

 

[bender]

Not everything needs to be shared, dude.

 

[kevboard]

worth it tho... pistachios are great

 

[Alebrije]

It seems is a case for

 

[Spiral1407]

Me but with bananas for some reason

 

[Unknown?]

Next time wash them down with some Brazil nuts.

 

[Draugoth]

Irritable Bowel Syndrome

 

[ManaByte]

 

[Forsete]

Probably light food poisoning. Just shit it out.

In case of too much buggery, I would check in with diffusionx

 

[Tams]

Shoulda bought a bidet.

 

[MikeM]

Pics noa?

 

[John Marston]

Not everything needs to be shared, dude.

Never underestimate the entertainment value.
Us humans are like that

 

[Hohenheim]

Well, your nemesis mr Pistachio nut won again. He actually made you shit your pants!
Maybe considering staying the fuck away and admit defeat
Godspeed!

 

[Jenov]

Shoulda bought a bidet.

Bidets are awesome. OP would be so much happier if he had one right now. Order one, OP! Amazon can get it to you in 1 day or less and who knows when your pistachio shitting episode may end.

 

[0neAnd0nly]

And people say that the art of literature is dying...

Incredible, will 10/10 on good reads!

 

[chromhound]

 

[clarky]

Its not the nuts mate. Maybe your co worker had is hands up his ass before he gave them you.

 

[Kilau]

 

[Drake]

Take it from someone who has been on both ends of the spectrum. I would rather be shitting my brains out then not being able to go and its not close.

 

[The Pleasure]

 

[Days like these...]

I hope you get screen burn in. Pistachios really? I'm regular once in the morning once at night I often have ghost wipes and have never shat myself. Why yes, I am bragging.

 

[PapaEmeritus]

That's norovirus

 

[StreetsofBeige]

A couple times in my life I had a bout of food poisoning or flu and was shitting for 24H (around every half hour). After you wipe your ass good and clean, swipe a wipe of vasoline. It helps.

If anyone has never had this issue, your ass gets so raw from shitting and wiping, you'll honestly think your ass is permanently dead for the rest of your life. But after it goes away, give it a bunch of days and your asshole will be back to normal.

lol

 

[newtypepilot]

apparently you care more about making a thread on gaf than the well being of your anus.

 

[V1LÆM]

Who said romance is dead. Happy Valentines Day.

 

[Durien]

If the coworker had been holding his penis in a bag, would you still have held out your hand?

I am DYING ROFL!

 

[wipeout364]

It sounds like you have unlocked your super power. You should join the avengers.

You could go by : SHITSTORM

 

[I collect VHS tapes]

so your coworker shoved nuts down your throat on valentines day while u just took it like a cuck and now you're wiping your ass

happy valentines day