Kinda long so if you want to get to the point head for the (today) section...
(few years ago)
First straw; sandwich half eaten. I assumed (BIG MISTAKE I KNOW) the person who started on it stopped when the realization came that it was not his sandwich. There could be around 5 or 6 Subway-wrapped sandwiches in the fridge so it's easy to make the mistake. Wrote my name on all future sandwiches.
Second straw; sandwich completely eaten. Just got back from PT and had to quickly shower and head to work so that was going to be breakfast. Unfortunately I open the fridge and where my sandwich was, an empty wrapper lay instead. A little miffed, but it was no big deal since it was also the celebration of a fellow co-worker's new baby so party food was there to replace the delicatessical decadence of a going-to-be-microwaved roast beef sammich.
Third straw; Best Cake Ever violated. One of our co-workers was an excellent baker and could make a chocolate cake from scratch that would make the heavens cry. She'd make one for you for $24; $7 went to her and the rest went to charity so your sweet tooth would help others in need also. I two others chipped in to get a cake before she got out of the service. We got it, put in in the fridge then had to go help with cleaning rifles. Came back and beheld the image of half a cake gone. We were pretty pissed, then we laughed it off; we knew from past experiences with The Cake from others that you just don't leave it in a public place and expect it to return to your hands unscathed. So she left for civilian pastures and we enjoyed what was left of the cake.
(today)
Final straw; 13.5 ounce box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch eaten. Everyone's been hit by the stolen food bug recently. Mine got stolen on occasion but I chalked it up to bad luck. Then fate turned its eye on my box of golden squares and found it deserving of somebody else's enjoyment. Been doing maitenance work all weekend so I knew I'd be back today, hence the cereal and milk. But I go for the cereal (marked with my name) and lift the box and it feels a bit lighter. A lot lighter. Empty. I never opened the box yesterday, but it's open now, and empty. And my milk (marked with my name) is 3/4 gone, on the counter, with the top off, and it's warm. And the only disposable bowl in the area (marked with my name) is on the floor.
I looked at the box for a minute, then threw it away and the bowl away. Poured the milk out. Then the holy shit factor kicked in and I was genuinely angry. Not so much at the food, but at the whole disregard of my stuff. Moreso for the fact that if somebody else had walked in there and saw the items laying about, it would be MY ass on the line with no way to prove otherwise since I'm the only one who would eat cereal for lunch in the workplace.
So because of that, I've decided that maybe I should sabotage my lunch for the times I know I won't be in the area. I would have to sacrifice the food, but it would be for the greater good. Ideas ran through like the Tour de France, and most left just as quickly, but some stayed and...
Spit + Mayonaise --GameShark--
It's there, it's easy, it's undetectable and if somebody eats your sandwich, you'll know they ate the sandwich with Thy Secret Sauceth. (Undetectable; and if they do find out for some reason, WTF are they doing eating YOUR spit sandwich; it's YOURS.)
Hot Sauce +/- Wasabi --Easy--
A generous portion on area the person is most likely to take a big bite is sure to leave him gagging and suffering. They'll also most likely drink water, which just makes the oil-based hot sauce effect even worse. (Detectable upon consumption unless your choice of hot sauce sucks. But it won't, will it? And you LOVE hot foods which is why you ordered it that way.)
(((A))); Shredded Chocolate Flavored Ex-Lax --Normal--
"We know it's not exactly an original plan, but we know it works."
To be used on sweet, preferrably chocolate-flavored food stuffs. They may or may not connect their intestinal malady with your pilfered food, but that still won't stop the flaming anal discharge. And if they do make the connection, it can always be due to food poisoning, and you have no control over that. You aren't God. (Delayed reaction, not generally detected, and you got damn lucky to avoid the rectal backlash.)
(((B))); Ground to Fine Dust Sleeping Pills --Heroic--
Risky and expensive; what if they react adversely to the pills? Otherwise if you're willing to up the money for the potential to see somebody struggle to stay awake, then it's for you. Mix it in thoroughly or put it on something of similar color to the pill powder like goodies sprinkled with confectioner's sugar. Head bobbing could be imminent, and you've just screwed up their sleep cycle for the night. (Not really detectable, but if the same person gets sleepy off your food a second time, the game may be afoot, so consider it a one-shot deal.)
(((A))) + (((B))) = (((?))) --Legendary--
Very risky and a bit more expensive; not only do you have to worry about if the person may have adverse effects from the sleeping pills, you also have to consider if sleeping pills and Ex-Lax get along together (do they?). Best used in a couple of thick Ex-Lax brownies sprinkled with "confectioner's" sugar. Which will win out, the desire to sleep or the desire to evacuate? Will they work in tandem during working hours or after, when he is lying in bed too exhausted to move from the dual assault of the mind and the ass? The world may never know... (Legendary, because brownies are by nature a shared food and many people who are not thieves will help themselves to them. This could be a problem if an officer gets a hand on one...)
For me, I would chicken out too much from the drug suggestions, and the spit is just... eh. I would probably go with the hot sauce method; really hot but not too much since I can't bear to waste food (it might actually be there when I get back). Unless I unloaded a few drops of Dave's Insanity, then I wouldn't dare eat it, though I would enjoy watching the thief suffer my wrath from within as well as without.
Actually, now that it's all typed out, I don't feel so pissed off, just a little. But if you were to strike back at a food pilferer, how would you do so? GA wants to know!
(few years ago)
First straw; sandwich half eaten. I assumed (BIG MISTAKE I KNOW) the person who started on it stopped when the realization came that it was not his sandwich. There could be around 5 or 6 Subway-wrapped sandwiches in the fridge so it's easy to make the mistake. Wrote my name on all future sandwiches.
Second straw; sandwich completely eaten. Just got back from PT and had to quickly shower and head to work so that was going to be breakfast. Unfortunately I open the fridge and where my sandwich was, an empty wrapper lay instead. A little miffed, but it was no big deal since it was also the celebration of a fellow co-worker's new baby so party food was there to replace the delicatessical decadence of a going-to-be-microwaved roast beef sammich.
Third straw; Best Cake Ever violated. One of our co-workers was an excellent baker and could make a chocolate cake from scratch that would make the heavens cry. She'd make one for you for $24; $7 went to her and the rest went to charity so your sweet tooth would help others in need also. I two others chipped in to get a cake before she got out of the service. We got it, put in in the fridge then had to go help with cleaning rifles. Came back and beheld the image of half a cake gone. We were pretty pissed, then we laughed it off; we knew from past experiences with The Cake from others that you just don't leave it in a public place and expect it to return to your hands unscathed. So she left for civilian pastures and we enjoyed what was left of the cake.
(today)
Final straw; 13.5 ounce box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch eaten. Everyone's been hit by the stolen food bug recently. Mine got stolen on occasion but I chalked it up to bad luck. Then fate turned its eye on my box of golden squares and found it deserving of somebody else's enjoyment. Been doing maitenance work all weekend so I knew I'd be back today, hence the cereal and milk. But I go for the cereal (marked with my name) and lift the box and it feels a bit lighter. A lot lighter. Empty. I never opened the box yesterday, but it's open now, and empty. And my milk (marked with my name) is 3/4 gone, on the counter, with the top off, and it's warm. And the only disposable bowl in the area (marked with my name) is on the floor.
I looked at the box for a minute, then threw it away and the bowl away. Poured the milk out. Then the holy shit factor kicked in and I was genuinely angry. Not so much at the food, but at the whole disregard of my stuff. Moreso for the fact that if somebody else had walked in there and saw the items laying about, it would be MY ass on the line with no way to prove otherwise since I'm the only one who would eat cereal for lunch in the workplace.
So because of that, I've decided that maybe I should sabotage my lunch for the times I know I won't be in the area. I would have to sacrifice the food, but it would be for the greater good. Ideas ran through like the Tour de France, and most left just as quickly, but some stayed and...
Spit + Mayonaise --GameShark--
It's there, it's easy, it's undetectable and if somebody eats your sandwich, you'll know they ate the sandwich with Thy Secret Sauceth. (Undetectable; and if they do find out for some reason, WTF are they doing eating YOUR spit sandwich; it's YOURS.)
Hot Sauce +/- Wasabi --Easy--
A generous portion on area the person is most likely to take a big bite is sure to leave him gagging and suffering. They'll also most likely drink water, which just makes the oil-based hot sauce effect even worse. (Detectable upon consumption unless your choice of hot sauce sucks. But it won't, will it? And you LOVE hot foods which is why you ordered it that way.)
(((A))); Shredded Chocolate Flavored Ex-Lax --Normal--
"We know it's not exactly an original plan, but we know it works."
To be used on sweet, preferrably chocolate-flavored food stuffs. They may or may not connect their intestinal malady with your pilfered food, but that still won't stop the flaming anal discharge. And if they do make the connection, it can always be due to food poisoning, and you have no control over that. You aren't God. (Delayed reaction, not generally detected, and you got damn lucky to avoid the rectal backlash.)
(((B))); Ground to Fine Dust Sleeping Pills --Heroic--
Risky and expensive; what if they react adversely to the pills? Otherwise if you're willing to up the money for the potential to see somebody struggle to stay awake, then it's for you. Mix it in thoroughly or put it on something of similar color to the pill powder like goodies sprinkled with confectioner's sugar. Head bobbing could be imminent, and you've just screwed up their sleep cycle for the night. (Not really detectable, but if the same person gets sleepy off your food a second time, the game may be afoot, so consider it a one-shot deal.)
(((A))) + (((B))) = (((?))) --Legendary--
Very risky and a bit more expensive; not only do you have to worry about if the person may have adverse effects from the sleeping pills, you also have to consider if sleeping pills and Ex-Lax get along together (do they?). Best used in a couple of thick Ex-Lax brownies sprinkled with "confectioner's" sugar. Which will win out, the desire to sleep or the desire to evacuate? Will they work in tandem during working hours or after, when he is lying in bed too exhausted to move from the dual assault of the mind and the ass? The world may never know... (Legendary, because brownies are by nature a shared food and many people who are not thieves will help themselves to them. This could be a problem if an officer gets a hand on one...)
For me, I would chicken out too much from the drug suggestions, and the spit is just... eh. I would probably go with the hot sauce method; really hot but not too much since I can't bear to waste food (it might actually be there when I get back). Unless I unloaded a few drops of Dave's Insanity, then I wouldn't dare eat it, though I would enjoy watching the thief suffer my wrath from within as well as without.
Actually, now that it's all typed out, I don't feel so pissed off, just a little. But if you were to strike back at a food pilferer, how would you do so? GA wants to know!
