ALRIGHT ALRIGHT OKAY LET'S GO.
NOW, FOLKS, YOU KNOW I ENJOY HAVING FUN. I LIKE TO DANCE, SING, AN' TELL COMMIES THEY'RE DOIN' IT WRONG, EH. IT'S JUST GOOD-NATURED CANADIAN ENTERTAINMENT, LET ME TELL YOU.
ANYHOW, THE NEW NHL SEASON IS COMIN' AN' IT'S TIME TO DROP EVERYTHIN' YOU'RE DOIN' AN' GET READY. LUCKY FOR YOU, I'M THE EXPERT AT EVERYTHIN' HOCKEY, EH. LET ME BREAK DOWN THE LEAGUE FOR YOU.
ANAHEIM DUCKS
HEY, HEY, WHADDYA SAY. THEY GOT A FUNNY NAME, BUT THAT ROSTER AIN'T NOTHIN' TO JOKE 'BOUT, EH. GOOD CANADIAN OLYMPIANS COREY PERRY AN' RYAN GETZLAF ARE ON THE TEAM, EH. THE TEAM'S ALSO FULL OF GOOD CANADIAN KIDS, EH. YA GOT FRANKIE BOOCHMEN, ANDY COGLIANO, AN' DANY HEATLEY ON THE TEAM, TOO. MARK MY WORDS FOLKS, DANY HEATLEY WILL CRASH THE NET AN' SCORE A LOTTA GOALS THIS SEASON, EH. THUMBS UP.
ARIZONA COYOTES
NOW, FOLKS, IT MIGHT SEEM REAL CONFUSIN' SEEIN' ARIZONA WITH A TEAM, EH. RELOCATIN' PHOENIX TO ARIZONA AN' ALL THAT, BUT THIS IS THE SAME TEAM AS PHOENIX, EH. LOTTA GOOD CANADIANS IN THIS TEAM, LIKE GOOD CANADIAN SHANE DOAN, SAMMY GAGNER, MIKEY SMITH, AN' TIE'S KID MAX DOMI, EH. RELOCATIN' PHOENIX TO ARIZONA SHOULD GIVE THIS ORGANIZATION A GOOD SHAKE IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION, EH.
BOSTON BRUINS
THE BIG BAD BRUINS, EH. BIG DINO CHARA STILL CAPTAININ' THE TEAM, ALONG WITH A LOT OF GOOD CANADIANS, LIKE PATTY BERGERON, JOHNNY BOYCHUK, DOUGIE HAMILTON, BRAD MARCHAND, AN' MILAN LUCISH. NOW, LUCISH IS IN A BIT OF HOT WATER WITH THE COMMENTS HE MADE DURIN' THE HANDSHAKE LINE, EH, BUT LUCISH IS A TOUGH SON OF A GUN. HE'LL GIVE YA A SOCKIN' IF HE HEARS SOMETHIN' HE DON'T LIKE, EH.
BUFFALO SABRES
NOW, FOLKS, THE SABRES HAD A REAL BAD SEASON, EH. ROSTER AN' MANAGEMENT SHAKEUPS AN' JUST POOR PLAY, EH. FOR A TEAM FULL OF GOOD CANADIAN KIDS, YOU'D EXPECT MORE EFFORT, EH. NOT LIKE THOSE COMMIES IN THE KHL, EH. GOOD CANADIAN KIDS LIKE TYLER ENNIS, CODY HODGSON, JOSH GORGES, AN' MATTY MOULSON SHOULD HELP THE TEAM GET BETTER RESULTS THIS TIME, EH. CHRIS STEWART NEEDS TO PLAY THE RIGHT WAY IN ORDER TO BE SUCCESSFUL, EH.
CALGARY FLAMES
LOOK AT ALL THE GOOD ONTARIO KIDS HERE, FOLKS. NOW, IF YOU WANT TO BUILD A GOOD TEAM, STACK 'EM WITH GOOD CANADIAN KIDS, BUT IF YOU WANT A GOOD TEAM, YOU STACK 'EM WITH GOOD ONTARIO KIDS, EH. ONTARIO'S THE BEST FOR PLAYERS, EH. DON'T EVEN ARGUE. YOU GOT MARKY GIORDANO CAPTAININ' THE TEAM, AN' HE'S FROM TORONTO, EH. MATTY STAJAN, ALSO FROM TORONTO. TJ BRODIE, FROM CHATHAM. BRIAN MCGRATTAN, FROM HAMILTON. DENNIS WIDEMAN, FROM KITCHENER. AN' SEAN MONAHAN, FROM BRAMPTON, EH. THEIR MASCOT'S FREAKY-LOOKIN' BUT THAT'S OKAY, FOLKS.
CAROLINA HURRICANES
NOW, FOLKS, THE HURRCANES DON'T GOT AS MANY CANADIANS AS THE OTHER TEAMS, BUT THEY DO HAVE THREE STAAL BROTHERS: ERIC, JORDAN, AN' JARED, EH. THAT'S AS CANADIAN AS YOU CAN GET, EH. THEY'RE SO CANADIAN, THE HURRICANES MADE THEIR JERSEYS LOOK LIKE TEAM CANADA'S JERSEYS, EH. THUMBS UP.
CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS
HERE'S ANOTHER TEAM WITH SMALLER CANADIAN NUMBERS, EH. BUT WHAT THEY DO GOT COUNTS FOR A LOT, EH. YOU GOT JOHNNY TOEWS LEADIN' THE TEAM AN' WEARIN' THE C, BRAD RICHARDS IN THERE MAKIN' A COMEBACK, PATTY SHARP WEARIN' THE A, DUNCAN KEITH, COREY CRAWFORD IN NET, AN' BRIAN BICKEL. FOLKS, I DON'T LIKE PATRICK KANE. HE'S A LITTLE TOO AMERICAN FOR MY LIKIN', BUT HE'S PLAYIN' WELL ENOUGH, AN' HE LOOKS CANADIAN ENOUGH, I GUESS.
COLORADO AVALANCHE
NOW HERE'S A FUNNY TEAM, FOLKS. LOTTA CANADIANS, FOUR EUROPEENSS OVERALL. THAT'S A GOOD ENOUGH RATIO IN MY BOOKS, EH. YA GOT GABRIEL LANDINGCOCKS LEADIN' THE TEAM WITH GOOD CANADIANS NATHAN MACKINNON, MATTY DUTCHIN, JOHNNY MITCHELL, AN' ALEX TANGGUYS. BIG ADDITION IS JAROME IGINLA, EH. HE'LL SHOW YOU PEOPLE HOW TO PLAY THE RIGH WAY, EH.
COLUMBUS BLUE JACKETS
HEY, SCOTTY HARTNELL'S WITH THIS TEAM, EH. THAT'S ALRIGHT.
DALLAS STARS
JAMIE BENN, TYLER SEGUIN, SHAWN HORCOFF, AN' JASON SPEZZA ARE THE BIG GUYS ON THIS TEAM. THEY'RE ALSO GOOD CANADIAN KIDS, EH. THAT AIN'T A COINCIDENCE.
DETROIT RED WINGS
DAN CLEARY. GOOD CANADIAN KID FROM CARBONEAR, NEWFOUNDLAND, EH. WHY'S HE GOTTA PUT UP WITH BEIN' BEHIND A BUNCH OF EUROPEENS AN' THAT COMMIE DATSOOK, EH? I DON'T GET IT. DAN CLEARY SHOULD BE GETTIN' TOP LINE MINUTES THIS SEASON, OR ELSE BABCOCK IS NUTS, EH.
EDMONTON OILERS
FOLKS, THE OILERS HAVE BEEN A BAD TEAM FOR A LONG TIME. A LOTTA PEOPLE ARE SCRATCHIN' THEIR HEADS AN' WONDERIN' WHY THEY'RE STILL BAD AN' LET ME TELL YOU FOLKS: I HAVE THE ANSWER - THEY AIN'T SIGNIN' ENOUGH GOOD ONTARIO KIDS, EH. TAYLOR HALL AIN'T A REAL ONTARIO KID SINCE HE'S FROM ALBERTA ORIGINALLY, EH. CALGARY AIN'T ONTARIO. CALGARY AIN'T MIMICO, EH.
FLORIDA PANTHERS
NOW HERE'S ANOTHER TEAM THAT'S STACKED WITH GOOD CANADIAN KIDS, EH. EVEN BETTER: THEY GOT DAVEY BOLLAND FROM MIMICO. NOW WE'RE TALKIN', EH. THIS TEAM'S READY TO BREAK OUT, I THINK, EH. YOU GOT ERIK GOODGRANDSON IN THERE LEADIN' THE DEFENCE, AARON EKBLAD FROM WINDSOR, ONTARIO, BRIAN CAMPBELL FROM STRATHROY, ONTARIO. AN' BRANDON PIRRI FROM TORONTO, EH. NOT TO MENTION ROBERTA LOLONGO, EH. I THINK THEY'RE GOIN' TO MAKE IT TO THE PLAYOFFS, EH.
LOS ANGELES KINGS
NOW, FOLKS, IF YOU WANT A BLUEPRINT ON HOW TO PUT A TEAM TOGETHER, LOOK NO FURTHER THAN THE LA KINGS, EH. LOOK AT ALL THOSE GOOD CANADIAN KIDS, EH. LOOK AT ALL OF THEM FROM ONTARIO, EH. AN' LOOK AT THEIR OLYMPIANS, EH. FOLKS, TAKE NOTE, EH.
MINNESOTA WILD
FOLKS, I LIKE MINNESOTA. IT'S LIKE BEIN' BACK IN CANADA, EH. PEOPLE ARE REAL NICE, AN' I'M JUST SO TEMPTED TO THROW THEM CANADIAN IMMIGRATION DOCUMENTS, EH. THAT BEIN' SAID, I'M REAL DISAPPOINTED. LOOK AT THE NUMBER OF CANADIANS THEY GOT - NOT AS MANY AS THE COMPLAINTS I GET FROM THE EUROPEENS, EH. BETTER FIX THAT, EH.
MONTREAL CANADIENS
PK SUBBAN IS THE WILD CARD HERE, FOLKS. PK NEEDS TO PLAY THE RIGHT WAY, OR ELSE HE'S PLAYIN' THE WRONG WAY, AN' THAT AIN'T THE RIGHT WAY, EH. HE NEEDS TO STOP WITH THE HANDS FLAININ', THE SHAKIN' 'ROUND, THE ROWDINESS, AN' ALL THAT STUFF IF HE WANTS TO PLAY THE RIGHT WAY, EH. NOW, TO BALANCE THAT OUT, YOU GOT CAREY PRICE IN THERE, WHO WON GOLD WITH TEAM CANADA IN SOCHI, BRENDAN GALLAGHER AN' BRANDON PRUST. BUT THEN YOU ALSO GOT THAT COMMIE ALEX GOLLYCHENNIK, EH. GOLLYCHENNIK'S LISTED AS AN AMERICAN, EH, BUT DON'T BE FOOLED: HE'S SPYIN' AN' FEEDIN' INFORMATION BACK TO THE SOVIETS, EH.
NASHVILLE PREDATORS
NOT A LOT OF GOOD CANADIANS, BUT THEY GOT SHEA WEBER, WHO WON GOLD WITH TEAM CANADA IN SOCHI, ALONG WITH SOME GOOD ONTARIO KIDS LIKE MIKE FISHER, JAMES NEAL, AN' DEREK ROY.
NEW JERSEY DEVILS
THE DEVILS ARE DOIN' IT WRONG, EH. WHERE'S THE GOOD CANADIAN KIDS? WHERE'S BRODEUR, EH? THERE'S MIKE CALAMARI AN' RYAN CLOWE IN THERE, BUT THE REST ARE ALL FUNNY, EH. "MAREK ZIDLICKY"? HEY, BUDDY, THAT'S OFFENSIVE, EH.
NEW YORK ISLANDERS
NOW WE'RE TALKIN', EH. GOOD CANADIAN KIDS. GOOD ONTARIO KIDS. AN' JOHNNY TAVARES, EH, OLYMPIAN WITH TEAM CANADA. LOOK AT ALL THESE BEAUTS, EH: CASEY TSASIKIS, CAL CLUTTERBUCKS, CORY CONCHACKERS, CALVIN DE HOBBES, MATTY MARTIN, AN' RYAN STROME. AN' THAT'S JUST A FEW OF 'EM. THUMBS UP.
NEW YORK RANGERS
YOU'LL REMEMBER THE RANGERS FOR LOSIN' TO THE KINGS IN THE LAST CUP FINALS, EH. GETTIN' RID OF BRAD RICHARDS WAS A MISTAKE, EH, BUT THEY DID A GOOD JOB OF CORRECTIN' IT BY SIGNIN' GOOD ONTARIO KID MIKE KOSTKA, EH. THEY ALSO GOT DANNY BOYLE, AN' MARTY ST. LOUIS LOOKS LIKE HE'S STICKIN' 'ROUND. MARC STAAL'S ALSO WITH 'EM. THEY'LL BE ALRIGHT. HENNIK LUNGEDKISSED IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT, TOO.
OTTAWA SENATORS
I WAS REAL STEAMED WHEN THEY GOT RID OF JASON SPEZZA, EH. THEY LOST THAT CLOWN, ALFREDSSON, NOW THEY LOST SPEZZA. ALL THEY GOT LEFT IS THAT EURO KARLSSON. AN' HE AIN'T A GOOD CANADIAN KID, EH. BUT THAT'S OKAY, THERE'S STILL PLENTY OF GOOD CANADIAN KIDS, LIKE KYLE TURRIS, CLARKE MACARTHUR, CHRIS PHILIPS, CHRIS NEIL, ERIC GROOBA, AN' CODY CECI, EH. THEY'LL BE FINE.
PHILADELPHIA FLYERS
HERE WE GO, FOLKS. ANOTHER TEAM FULL OF GOOD CANADIAN KIDS. CLAUDIE GIROUX GOT SHAFTED WHEN HE WASN'T INCLUDED WITH TEAM CANADA FOR THE OLYMPICS, EH. BUT THAT AIN'T ANYTHIN' TO BE MAD 'BOUT, I THINK. NOW, THAT BEIN' SAID, THE FLYERS ARE STACKIN' PRETTY HIGH ON GOOD ONTARIO KIDS. YOU ALREADY GOT CLAUDIE FROM HEARST, ONTARIO. THERE'S SIMMONDS FROM TORONTO. READ FROM ILDERTON. EMERY FROM HAMILTON. DEL ZOTTO FROM STOUFFVILLE. AN' STEVIE MASON FROM OAKVILLE. THEY'RE TEAM ONTARIO, EH.
PITTSBURGH PENGUINS
THEY HAD A BIT OF A SHAKEUP IN THE OFF-SEASON BY GETTIN' RID OF NEAL, EH, BUT THEY DIDN'T GET RID OF THAT COMMIE MALKIN. THAT'S REAL DISAPPOINTIN', EH. BUT THAT'S OKAY, FOLKS. YOU STILL GOT SIDNEY CROSBY IN THERE, EH. GOOD CANADIAN KID. CAPTAIN OF TEAM CANADA. AN' KRIS LETANG AN' CHRIS KUNITZ, TOO, EH.
SAN JOSE SHARKS
THESE GUYS GOT A LOT OF GOOD CANADIAN KIDS, EH. JOE THORNTON, LOGAN COUTURE, PATTY MARLEAU, MARC-EDOUARD VLASIC, AN' RAFFI TORRES, EH. THEY'RE HAVIN' LEADERSHIP ISSUES, BUT THEY'RE ALL CANADIAN, SO THEY'RE ALL TECHNICALLY LEADERS, EH. SLAP A C ON EVERY CANADIAN IN THAT ROSTER AN' WATCH THEM WIN A CUP, I THINK. TOMAS HERT-A-TURTLE PLAYS FOR THE SHARKS, SO MAYBE THEY'LL WIN A CUP WHEN THEY TRADE HIS NO-GOOD, HOT-DOGGIN', HERT-A-WHIRLIN', VISOR-WEARIN', COMMUNIST-MANIFESTO-READIN', NO-WASHIN'-HANDSIN' SELF BACK TO THE KREMLIN, EH.
ST. LOUIS BLUES
JAY BOUWMEESTER. GOOD CANADIAN KID. OLYMPIAN. BUT THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT, FOLKS. BLUES NEED TO GET MORE CANADIANS, EH. IT AIN'T RIGHT.
TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING
STEVIE STAMKOS IS FINALLY LEADIN' THE TEAM, EH. HE DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' LETTER, BUT MIGHT AS WELL MAKE IT OFFICIAL, EH. STEVIE YZERMAN'S DOIN' A LOT OF GOOD THINGS WITH THE TEAM, EH, BUT WHAT'S WITH THE SMALL AMOUNT OF CANADIANS, EH? STEVIE, WHAT'RE YA DOIN', EH? THAT AIN'T RIGHT. GIVE STAMKOS MORE CANADIANS, EH.
TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS
IT'S BEEN A BAD SEASON FOR THE LEAFS, EH. BUT WHAT THEY LOST IN GAMES, THEY MADE UP FOR IN GOOD CANADIAN KIDS, EH. I WAS ALWAYS REAL STEAMED WITH BURKIE, EH, 'CAUSE HE WAS SIGNIN' ALL THESE AMERICANS, AN' IT AIN'T RIGHT THAT TORONTO'S IN ONTARIO AN' THEY DON'T GOT GOOD ONTARIO KIDS, EH. THEY CHANGED ALL THAT WHEN THEY GOT DAVEY CLARKSON, EH. GOOD ONTARIO KID, AND EVEN BETTER - GOOD MIMICO KID, EH. THERE'S ALSO NOW PETER HOLLAND FROM TORONTO, AN' DANIEL WINNIK, TOO. KEEP IT UP, NONIS. KEEP STOCKIN' EM' GOOD ONTARIO KIDS, EH. THUMBS UP.
VANCOUVER CANUCKS
YOU KNOW WHAT THE REAL PROBLEM THE CANUCKS HAVE, FOLKS? THEY AIN'T GOT ENOUGH GOOD CANADIAN KIDS, EH. THERE'S BIESKA, BURROWS, AN' TANEV, AN' THE REST ARE BUMS, EH. THAT AIN'T RIGHT.
WASHINGTON CAPITALS
THE CAPS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A TEAM FULL OF TALENT, EH. BUT THEY JUST AIN'T MAKIN' FAR, LIKE THE PENGUINS, EH. AN' THE SOLE REASON FOR THAT IS ALEX OVECHKIN, EH. HE'S A GREEDY PLAYER, AN' HE'S RUSSIAN. HE AIN'T A GOOD CANADIAN KID LIKE MIKEY GREEN OR BROOKSIE LAICH. WASHINGTON'S GONNA NEED TO SEND HIM BACK TO THE SOVIET UNION IF THEY WANNA BE SUCCESSFUL, EH.
WINNIPEG JETS
THIS TEAM AIN'T GONNA MAKE IT ANOTHER SEASON IF THEY KEEP 'ROUND DUSTIN BUFFLINGS AN' EVANDER KANE, EH. TWO GUYS WHO DON'T PLAY THE RIGHT WAY, EH. THANK GOODNESS THEY GOT ANDREW LADD SHOWIN' 'EM HOW IT'S DONE, EH. EXPECT TO SEE THIS TEAM RELOACTED TO SEATTLE, FOLKS. MARK MY WORDS. MAKE IT SEVEN? I WANT IT BACK TO SIX, EH. GOOD EVEN NUMBER, EH.
THERE YOU HAVE IT FOLKS. SOME REAL, GOOD, HONEST, CANADIAN COMMENTARY ON EACH TEAM IN THE LEAGUE. WHO DO YOU SUPPORT? AN' DON'T TELL ME YOU DON'T WATCH HOCKEY. WHO ARE YOU, STALIN?
NOW, LET ME TELL YOU KIDS A STORY: I WAS IN THE BATHROOM, WASHIN' MY HANDS, WHEN A BUNCH OF NO-GOOD, VISOR-WEARIN', HOT-DOGGIN', HERT-A-WHIRLIN' COMMIES RAN INSIDE A BATHROOM STALL. THEY LEFT THE DOOR OPEN 'CAUSE THEY'RE REAL EMBARRASSIN' LIKE THAT, EH. ANYHOW, THEY'RE IN THE STALL, WALKIN' ROUND THE CARPET WITH THEIR SHOES ON, WATCHIN' THE KHL AN' READIN' THE COMMUNIST MANIFESTO AN' SHARIN' NOTES ON HOW TO BE A BETTER COMMUNIST, EH. BOY, I WAS REAL STEAMED. THAT AIN'T RIGHT. A BUNCH OF GOOD CANADIAN KIDS RAN INSIDE ANOTHER STALL, TOOK THEIR SHOES OFF, AN' LEFT THE DOOR OPEN. THEY LEFT THE DOOR OPEN 'CAUSE THEY'RE GOOD CANADIAN KIDS AN' THEY GOT NOTHIN' TO HIDE, EH. THEY WERE IN THERE, SIGNIN' IMMIGRATION PAPERS, WATCHIN' NHL HOCKEY, AN' DRINKIN' MOLSONS, EH. THOSE COMMIES WERE SO EMBARRASSED, THEY RAN OUT THE BATHROOM WITHOUT EVEN WASHIN' THEIR HANDS, EH. THEY RAN BACK TO THE KREMLIN AN' APOLOGIZED TO STALIN, EH.
BOY, I WAS REAL PROUD OF THOSE GOOD CANADIAN KIDS, EH. THEY REMINDED ME OF BOBBY ORR. GOD LOVE' EM.
NOW, FOLKS, YOU KNOW I ENJOY HAVING FUN. I LIKE TO DANCE, SING, AN' TELL COMMIES THEY'RE DOIN' IT WRONG, EH. IT'S JUST GOOD-NATURED CANADIAN ENTERTAINMENT, LET ME TELL YOU.
ANYHOW, THE NEW NHL SEASON IS COMIN' AN' IT'S TIME TO DROP EVERYTHIN' YOU'RE DOIN' AN' GET READY. LUCKY FOR YOU, I'M THE EXPERT AT EVERYTHIN' HOCKEY, EH. LET ME BREAK DOWN THE LEAGUE FOR YOU.
ANAHEIM DUCKS
HEY, HEY, WHADDYA SAY. THEY GOT A FUNNY NAME, BUT THAT ROSTER AIN'T NOTHIN' TO JOKE 'BOUT, EH. GOOD CANADIAN OLYMPIANS COREY PERRY AN' RYAN GETZLAF ARE ON THE TEAM, EH. THE TEAM'S ALSO FULL OF GOOD CANADIAN KIDS, EH. YA GOT FRANKIE BOOCHMEN, ANDY COGLIANO, AN' DANY HEATLEY ON THE TEAM, TOO. MARK MY WORDS FOLKS, DANY HEATLEY WILL CRASH THE NET AN' SCORE A LOTTA GOALS THIS SEASON, EH. THUMBS UP.
ARIZONA COYOTES
NOW, FOLKS, IT MIGHT SEEM REAL CONFUSIN' SEEIN' ARIZONA WITH A TEAM, EH. RELOCATIN' PHOENIX TO ARIZONA AN' ALL THAT, BUT THIS IS THE SAME TEAM AS PHOENIX, EH. LOTTA GOOD CANADIANS IN THIS TEAM, LIKE GOOD CANADIAN SHANE DOAN, SAMMY GAGNER, MIKEY SMITH, AN' TIE'S KID MAX DOMI, EH. RELOCATIN' PHOENIX TO ARIZONA SHOULD GIVE THIS ORGANIZATION A GOOD SHAKE IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION, EH.
BOSTON BRUINS
THE BIG BAD BRUINS, EH. BIG DINO CHARA STILL CAPTAININ' THE TEAM, ALONG WITH A LOT OF GOOD CANADIANS, LIKE PATTY BERGERON, JOHNNY BOYCHUK, DOUGIE HAMILTON, BRAD MARCHAND, AN' MILAN LUCISH. NOW, LUCISH IS IN A BIT OF HOT WATER WITH THE COMMENTS HE MADE DURIN' THE HANDSHAKE LINE, EH, BUT LUCISH IS A TOUGH SON OF A GUN. HE'LL GIVE YA A SOCKIN' IF HE HEARS SOMETHIN' HE DON'T LIKE, EH.
BUFFALO SABRES
NOW, FOLKS, THE SABRES HAD A REAL BAD SEASON, EH. ROSTER AN' MANAGEMENT SHAKEUPS AN' JUST POOR PLAY, EH. FOR A TEAM FULL OF GOOD CANADIAN KIDS, YOU'D EXPECT MORE EFFORT, EH. NOT LIKE THOSE COMMIES IN THE KHL, EH. GOOD CANADIAN KIDS LIKE TYLER ENNIS, CODY HODGSON, JOSH GORGES, AN' MATTY MOULSON SHOULD HELP THE TEAM GET BETTER RESULTS THIS TIME, EH. CHRIS STEWART NEEDS TO PLAY THE RIGHT WAY IN ORDER TO BE SUCCESSFUL, EH.
CALGARY FLAMES
LOOK AT ALL THE GOOD ONTARIO KIDS HERE, FOLKS. NOW, IF YOU WANT TO BUILD A GOOD TEAM, STACK 'EM WITH GOOD CANADIAN KIDS, BUT IF YOU WANT A GOOD TEAM, YOU STACK 'EM WITH GOOD ONTARIO KIDS, EH. ONTARIO'S THE BEST FOR PLAYERS, EH. DON'T EVEN ARGUE. YOU GOT MARKY GIORDANO CAPTAININ' THE TEAM, AN' HE'S FROM TORONTO, EH. MATTY STAJAN, ALSO FROM TORONTO. TJ BRODIE, FROM CHATHAM. BRIAN MCGRATTAN, FROM HAMILTON. DENNIS WIDEMAN, FROM KITCHENER. AN' SEAN MONAHAN, FROM BRAMPTON, EH. THEIR MASCOT'S FREAKY-LOOKIN' BUT THAT'S OKAY, FOLKS.
CAROLINA HURRICANES
NOW, FOLKS, THE HURRCANES DON'T GOT AS MANY CANADIANS AS THE OTHER TEAMS, BUT THEY DO HAVE THREE STAAL BROTHERS: ERIC, JORDAN, AN' JARED, EH. THAT'S AS CANADIAN AS YOU CAN GET, EH. THEY'RE SO CANADIAN, THE HURRICANES MADE THEIR JERSEYS LOOK LIKE TEAM CANADA'S JERSEYS, EH. THUMBS UP.
CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS
HERE'S ANOTHER TEAM WITH SMALLER CANADIAN NUMBERS, EH. BUT WHAT THEY DO GOT COUNTS FOR A LOT, EH. YOU GOT JOHNNY TOEWS LEADIN' THE TEAM AN' WEARIN' THE C, BRAD RICHARDS IN THERE MAKIN' A COMEBACK, PATTY SHARP WEARIN' THE A, DUNCAN KEITH, COREY CRAWFORD IN NET, AN' BRIAN BICKEL. FOLKS, I DON'T LIKE PATRICK KANE. HE'S A LITTLE TOO AMERICAN FOR MY LIKIN', BUT HE'S PLAYIN' WELL ENOUGH, AN' HE LOOKS CANADIAN ENOUGH, I GUESS.
COLORADO AVALANCHE
NOW HERE'S A FUNNY TEAM, FOLKS. LOTTA CANADIANS, FOUR EUROPEENSS OVERALL. THAT'S A GOOD ENOUGH RATIO IN MY BOOKS, EH. YA GOT GABRIEL LANDINGCOCKS LEADIN' THE TEAM WITH GOOD CANADIANS NATHAN MACKINNON, MATTY DUTCHIN, JOHNNY MITCHELL, AN' ALEX TANGGUYS. BIG ADDITION IS JAROME IGINLA, EH. HE'LL SHOW YOU PEOPLE HOW TO PLAY THE RIGH WAY, EH.
COLUMBUS BLUE JACKETS
HEY, SCOTTY HARTNELL'S WITH THIS TEAM, EH. THAT'S ALRIGHT.
DALLAS STARS
JAMIE BENN, TYLER SEGUIN, SHAWN HORCOFF, AN' JASON SPEZZA ARE THE BIG GUYS ON THIS TEAM. THEY'RE ALSO GOOD CANADIAN KIDS, EH. THAT AIN'T A COINCIDENCE.
DETROIT RED WINGS
DAN CLEARY. GOOD CANADIAN KID FROM CARBONEAR, NEWFOUNDLAND, EH. WHY'S HE GOTTA PUT UP WITH BEIN' BEHIND A BUNCH OF EUROPEENS AN' THAT COMMIE DATSOOK, EH? I DON'T GET IT. DAN CLEARY SHOULD BE GETTIN' TOP LINE MINUTES THIS SEASON, OR ELSE BABCOCK IS NUTS, EH.
EDMONTON OILERS
FOLKS, THE OILERS HAVE BEEN A BAD TEAM FOR A LONG TIME. A LOTTA PEOPLE ARE SCRATCHIN' THEIR HEADS AN' WONDERIN' WHY THEY'RE STILL BAD AN' LET ME TELL YOU FOLKS: I HAVE THE ANSWER - THEY AIN'T SIGNIN' ENOUGH GOOD ONTARIO KIDS, EH. TAYLOR HALL AIN'T A REAL ONTARIO KID SINCE HE'S FROM ALBERTA ORIGINALLY, EH. CALGARY AIN'T ONTARIO. CALGARY AIN'T MIMICO, EH.
FLORIDA PANTHERS
NOW HERE'S ANOTHER TEAM THAT'S STACKED WITH GOOD CANADIAN KIDS, EH. EVEN BETTER: THEY GOT DAVEY BOLLAND FROM MIMICO. NOW WE'RE TALKIN', EH. THIS TEAM'S READY TO BREAK OUT, I THINK, EH. YOU GOT ERIK GOODGRANDSON IN THERE LEADIN' THE DEFENCE, AARON EKBLAD FROM WINDSOR, ONTARIO, BRIAN CAMPBELL FROM STRATHROY, ONTARIO. AN' BRANDON PIRRI FROM TORONTO, EH. NOT TO MENTION ROBERTA LOLONGO, EH. I THINK THEY'RE GOIN' TO MAKE IT TO THE PLAYOFFS, EH.
LOS ANGELES KINGS
NOW, FOLKS, IF YOU WANT A BLUEPRINT ON HOW TO PUT A TEAM TOGETHER, LOOK NO FURTHER THAN THE LA KINGS, EH. LOOK AT ALL THOSE GOOD CANADIAN KIDS, EH. LOOK AT ALL OF THEM FROM ONTARIO, EH. AN' LOOK AT THEIR OLYMPIANS, EH. FOLKS, TAKE NOTE, EH.
MINNESOTA WILD
FOLKS, I LIKE MINNESOTA. IT'S LIKE BEIN' BACK IN CANADA, EH. PEOPLE ARE REAL NICE, AN' I'M JUST SO TEMPTED TO THROW THEM CANADIAN IMMIGRATION DOCUMENTS, EH. THAT BEIN' SAID, I'M REAL DISAPPOINTED. LOOK AT THE NUMBER OF CANADIANS THEY GOT - NOT AS MANY AS THE COMPLAINTS I GET FROM THE EUROPEENS, EH. BETTER FIX THAT, EH.
MONTREAL CANADIENS
PK SUBBAN IS THE WILD CARD HERE, FOLKS. PK NEEDS TO PLAY THE RIGHT WAY, OR ELSE HE'S PLAYIN' THE WRONG WAY, AN' THAT AIN'T THE RIGHT WAY, EH. HE NEEDS TO STOP WITH THE HANDS FLAININ', THE SHAKIN' 'ROUND, THE ROWDINESS, AN' ALL THAT STUFF IF HE WANTS TO PLAY THE RIGHT WAY, EH. NOW, TO BALANCE THAT OUT, YOU GOT CAREY PRICE IN THERE, WHO WON GOLD WITH TEAM CANADA IN SOCHI, BRENDAN GALLAGHER AN' BRANDON PRUST. BUT THEN YOU ALSO GOT THAT COMMIE ALEX GOLLYCHENNIK, EH. GOLLYCHENNIK'S LISTED AS AN AMERICAN, EH, BUT DON'T BE FOOLED: HE'S SPYIN' AN' FEEDIN' INFORMATION BACK TO THE SOVIETS, EH.
NASHVILLE PREDATORS
NOT A LOT OF GOOD CANADIANS, BUT THEY GOT SHEA WEBER, WHO WON GOLD WITH TEAM CANADA IN SOCHI, ALONG WITH SOME GOOD ONTARIO KIDS LIKE MIKE FISHER, JAMES NEAL, AN' DEREK ROY.
NEW JERSEY DEVILS
THE DEVILS ARE DOIN' IT WRONG, EH. WHERE'S THE GOOD CANADIAN KIDS? WHERE'S BRODEUR, EH? THERE'S MIKE CALAMARI AN' RYAN CLOWE IN THERE, BUT THE REST ARE ALL FUNNY, EH. "MAREK ZIDLICKY"? HEY, BUDDY, THAT'S OFFENSIVE, EH.
NEW YORK ISLANDERS
NOW WE'RE TALKIN', EH. GOOD CANADIAN KIDS. GOOD ONTARIO KIDS. AN' JOHNNY TAVARES, EH, OLYMPIAN WITH TEAM CANADA. LOOK AT ALL THESE BEAUTS, EH: CASEY TSASIKIS, CAL CLUTTERBUCKS, CORY CONCHACKERS, CALVIN DE HOBBES, MATTY MARTIN, AN' RYAN STROME. AN' THAT'S JUST A FEW OF 'EM. THUMBS UP.
NEW YORK RANGERS
YOU'LL REMEMBER THE RANGERS FOR LOSIN' TO THE KINGS IN THE LAST CUP FINALS, EH. GETTIN' RID OF BRAD RICHARDS WAS A MISTAKE, EH, BUT THEY DID A GOOD JOB OF CORRECTIN' IT BY SIGNIN' GOOD ONTARIO KID MIKE KOSTKA, EH. THEY ALSO GOT DANNY BOYLE, AN' MARTY ST. LOUIS LOOKS LIKE HE'S STICKIN' 'ROUND. MARC STAAL'S ALSO WITH 'EM. THEY'LL BE ALRIGHT. HENNIK LUNGEDKISSED IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT, TOO.
OTTAWA SENATORS
I WAS REAL STEAMED WHEN THEY GOT RID OF JASON SPEZZA, EH. THEY LOST THAT CLOWN, ALFREDSSON, NOW THEY LOST SPEZZA. ALL THEY GOT LEFT IS THAT EURO KARLSSON. AN' HE AIN'T A GOOD CANADIAN KID, EH. BUT THAT'S OKAY, THERE'S STILL PLENTY OF GOOD CANADIAN KIDS, LIKE KYLE TURRIS, CLARKE MACARTHUR, CHRIS PHILIPS, CHRIS NEIL, ERIC GROOBA, AN' CODY CECI, EH. THEY'LL BE FINE.
PHILADELPHIA FLYERS
HERE WE GO, FOLKS. ANOTHER TEAM FULL OF GOOD CANADIAN KIDS. CLAUDIE GIROUX GOT SHAFTED WHEN HE WASN'T INCLUDED WITH TEAM CANADA FOR THE OLYMPICS, EH. BUT THAT AIN'T ANYTHIN' TO BE MAD 'BOUT, I THINK. NOW, THAT BEIN' SAID, THE FLYERS ARE STACKIN' PRETTY HIGH ON GOOD ONTARIO KIDS. YOU ALREADY GOT CLAUDIE FROM HEARST, ONTARIO. THERE'S SIMMONDS FROM TORONTO. READ FROM ILDERTON. EMERY FROM HAMILTON. DEL ZOTTO FROM STOUFFVILLE. AN' STEVIE MASON FROM OAKVILLE. THEY'RE TEAM ONTARIO, EH.
PITTSBURGH PENGUINS
THEY HAD A BIT OF A SHAKEUP IN THE OFF-SEASON BY GETTIN' RID OF NEAL, EH, BUT THEY DIDN'T GET RID OF THAT COMMIE MALKIN. THAT'S REAL DISAPPOINTIN', EH. BUT THAT'S OKAY, FOLKS. YOU STILL GOT SIDNEY CROSBY IN THERE, EH. GOOD CANADIAN KID. CAPTAIN OF TEAM CANADA. AN' KRIS LETANG AN' CHRIS KUNITZ, TOO, EH.
SAN JOSE SHARKS
THESE GUYS GOT A LOT OF GOOD CANADIAN KIDS, EH. JOE THORNTON, LOGAN COUTURE, PATTY MARLEAU, MARC-EDOUARD VLASIC, AN' RAFFI TORRES, EH. THEY'RE HAVIN' LEADERSHIP ISSUES, BUT THEY'RE ALL CANADIAN, SO THEY'RE ALL TECHNICALLY LEADERS, EH. SLAP A C ON EVERY CANADIAN IN THAT ROSTER AN' WATCH THEM WIN A CUP, I THINK. TOMAS HERT-A-TURTLE PLAYS FOR THE SHARKS, SO MAYBE THEY'LL WIN A CUP WHEN THEY TRADE HIS NO-GOOD, HOT-DOGGIN', HERT-A-WHIRLIN', VISOR-WEARIN', COMMUNIST-MANIFESTO-READIN', NO-WASHIN'-HANDSIN' SELF BACK TO THE KREMLIN, EH.
ST. LOUIS BLUES
JAY BOUWMEESTER. GOOD CANADIAN KID. OLYMPIAN. BUT THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT, FOLKS. BLUES NEED TO GET MORE CANADIANS, EH. IT AIN'T RIGHT.
TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING
STEVIE STAMKOS IS FINALLY LEADIN' THE TEAM, EH. HE DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' LETTER, BUT MIGHT AS WELL MAKE IT OFFICIAL, EH. STEVIE YZERMAN'S DOIN' A LOT OF GOOD THINGS WITH THE TEAM, EH, BUT WHAT'S WITH THE SMALL AMOUNT OF CANADIANS, EH? STEVIE, WHAT'RE YA DOIN', EH? THAT AIN'T RIGHT. GIVE STAMKOS MORE CANADIANS, EH.
TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS
IT'S BEEN A BAD SEASON FOR THE LEAFS, EH. BUT WHAT THEY LOST IN GAMES, THEY MADE UP FOR IN GOOD CANADIAN KIDS, EH. I WAS ALWAYS REAL STEAMED WITH BURKIE, EH, 'CAUSE HE WAS SIGNIN' ALL THESE AMERICANS, AN' IT AIN'T RIGHT THAT TORONTO'S IN ONTARIO AN' THEY DON'T GOT GOOD ONTARIO KIDS, EH. THEY CHANGED ALL THAT WHEN THEY GOT DAVEY CLARKSON, EH. GOOD ONTARIO KID, AND EVEN BETTER - GOOD MIMICO KID, EH. THERE'S ALSO NOW PETER HOLLAND FROM TORONTO, AN' DANIEL WINNIK, TOO. KEEP IT UP, NONIS. KEEP STOCKIN' EM' GOOD ONTARIO KIDS, EH. THUMBS UP.
VANCOUVER CANUCKS
YOU KNOW WHAT THE REAL PROBLEM THE CANUCKS HAVE, FOLKS? THEY AIN'T GOT ENOUGH GOOD CANADIAN KIDS, EH. THERE'S BIESKA, BURROWS, AN' TANEV, AN' THE REST ARE BUMS, EH. THAT AIN'T RIGHT.
WASHINGTON CAPITALS
THE CAPS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A TEAM FULL OF TALENT, EH. BUT THEY JUST AIN'T MAKIN' FAR, LIKE THE PENGUINS, EH. AN' THE SOLE REASON FOR THAT IS ALEX OVECHKIN, EH. HE'S A GREEDY PLAYER, AN' HE'S RUSSIAN. HE AIN'T A GOOD CANADIAN KID LIKE MIKEY GREEN OR BROOKSIE LAICH. WASHINGTON'S GONNA NEED TO SEND HIM BACK TO THE SOVIET UNION IF THEY WANNA BE SUCCESSFUL, EH.
WINNIPEG JETS
THIS TEAM AIN'T GONNA MAKE IT ANOTHER SEASON IF THEY KEEP 'ROUND DUSTIN BUFFLINGS AN' EVANDER KANE, EH. TWO GUYS WHO DON'T PLAY THE RIGHT WAY, EH. THANK GOODNESS THEY GOT ANDREW LADD SHOWIN' 'EM HOW IT'S DONE, EH. EXPECT TO SEE THIS TEAM RELOACTED TO SEATTLE, FOLKS. MARK MY WORDS. MAKE IT SEVEN? I WANT IT BACK TO SIX, EH. GOOD EVEN NUMBER, EH.
THERE YOU HAVE IT FOLKS. SOME REAL, GOOD, HONEST, CANADIAN COMMENTARY ON EACH TEAM IN THE LEAGUE. WHO DO YOU SUPPORT? AN' DON'T TELL ME YOU DON'T WATCH HOCKEY. WHO ARE YOU, STALIN?
NOW, LET ME TELL YOU KIDS A STORY: I WAS IN THE BATHROOM, WASHIN' MY HANDS, WHEN A BUNCH OF NO-GOOD, VISOR-WEARIN', HOT-DOGGIN', HERT-A-WHIRLIN' COMMIES RAN INSIDE A BATHROOM STALL. THEY LEFT THE DOOR OPEN 'CAUSE THEY'RE REAL EMBARRASSIN' LIKE THAT, EH. ANYHOW, THEY'RE IN THE STALL, WALKIN' ROUND THE CARPET WITH THEIR SHOES ON, WATCHIN' THE KHL AN' READIN' THE COMMUNIST MANIFESTO AN' SHARIN' NOTES ON HOW TO BE A BETTER COMMUNIST, EH. BOY, I WAS REAL STEAMED. THAT AIN'T RIGHT. A BUNCH OF GOOD CANADIAN KIDS RAN INSIDE ANOTHER STALL, TOOK THEIR SHOES OFF, AN' LEFT THE DOOR OPEN. THEY LEFT THE DOOR OPEN 'CAUSE THEY'RE GOOD CANADIAN KIDS AN' THEY GOT NOTHIN' TO HIDE, EH. THEY WERE IN THERE, SIGNIN' IMMIGRATION PAPERS, WATCHIN' NHL HOCKEY, AN' DRINKIN' MOLSONS, EH. THOSE COMMIES WERE SO EMBARRASSED, THEY RAN OUT THE BATHROOM WITHOUT EVEN WASHIN' THEIR HANDS, EH. THEY RAN BACK TO THE KREMLIN AN' APOLOGIZED TO STALIN, EH.
BOY, I WAS REAL PROUD OF THOSE GOOD CANADIAN KIDS, EH. THEY REMINDED ME OF BOBBY ORR. GOD LOVE' EM.
