A little background, first.
If it weren't for my parents, it's quite possible that I'd never have been bitten by the wrestling bug to the extent I am today. When we first arrived in this country, my earliest memories are of watching Sergeant Al Tomko, Gama Singh, et al running roughshod on Cloverdale Wrestling (thank you, CHEK 6). Hearing stories of Daddy Haystacks back in England certainly helped fuel the fire, and all through the Rock 'n Wrestle halcyon days....we were THERE. My dad's snide commentary and my mom's barely-disguised crush on Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat helped shape and mold me into the man I am today.
As it turns out though, they lost interest as the Attitude era started gaining steam - gone were the over-the-top nutbars like Doink and Ultimate Warrior, replaced by Stone Cold blaspheming the Bible with his "Austin 3:16" promos and DX crotch-chopping at every opportunity. Stampede Wrestling was no longer shown in our area, and there's no way in hell ECW would get a sniff....so they left it alone. Until tonight.
I brought Aidan over to visit, and while he and Grandpa went outside to throw dirt clumps into the new neighbours' yards under cover of darkness, mom sat down with me to watch the last 30 minutes or so of Raw. I submit to you, unedited, her commentary for your perusal.
For maximum effect, imagine all comments being spoken in a strong, clipped Jamaican-UK hybrid accent, which only gets thicker the more excited/outraged she becomes. Thank you.
Tyson Tomko steps out:
"So many tattoos? Why? Why would a boy need so many tattoos? Thank God you came to your senses! What if he wants another job, who'll hire him?"
Chris Benoit comes out:
"Is that Benoit?"
"He used to be taller, didn't he? Or was it his hair? And why is he taped up like that?"
(I explained that Tomko had earlier nailed him in the gut with a ladder)
"A LADDER?!? IN HIS BELLY? YOU MUS' BE JOKING!"
Benoit leaps off the top rope and barely brushes Tomko's shoulder with the flying headbutt:
"He barely touched him! STOP FAKIN' NAW! GET UP! GET UP NAW"
Benoit slaps the Crossface on Tomko:
"Ohhh.....his head! Why must he pull on his head like that? He won't hit him with a ladder again, though! Get him Benoit! Get him!"
HHH comes out to the commentary booth:
"That's bad surgery. Oh my." <- in reference to the King's numerous facelifts
"Why doesn't he give the chair to Ric Flair? That is Ric Flair, right? He's old, HHH should let him sit down and rest. No respect."
Kane comes out:
"He had a mask. Where is it. Did HHH take it from him?"
"Isn't he friends with.....that man. The tall one. Undertaker, where is he now? Smackdown? What's that?"
Batista comes out:
"...oh my word. Why is he so big?"
"Oh my. Oh my. Oh my WORD."
Match is on:
"Look at them big boys there! OH IN THE FACE NO"
"Why are those other men outside the ring? They can't do that! Stop it! Why don't they leave?"
Lumberjacks pile on Batista:
"OH THERE THEY GO, BOYS WILL BE BOYS"
"NAH RES EM! NAH RES EM!" <- "no rest him", literally "don't stop beating his ass down", translated from patois
"YOU SEE! YOU SEE? DIRTY HIM, YA GET DIRTY SELF" <- as Batista prevents La Resistance from smoking his jewels into the post
"CLEAN HOUSE! CLEEEEEEEEEAN! CLEAN THE HOUSE NAW"
Batista eats a chokeslam, recovers, and pulls off the spinebusters and Demonbomb for the win:
"YES! YES! SHOW THEM! SHOW THEM! SHOW THEM!" *bouncing up and down on the couch while I pee myself laughing*
I do believe I might be able to convince her to order Wrestlemania 21. We'll see.
If it weren't for my parents, it's quite possible that I'd never have been bitten by the wrestling bug to the extent I am today. When we first arrived in this country, my earliest memories are of watching Sergeant Al Tomko, Gama Singh, et al running roughshod on Cloverdale Wrestling (thank you, CHEK 6). Hearing stories of Daddy Haystacks back in England certainly helped fuel the fire, and all through the Rock 'n Wrestle halcyon days....we were THERE. My dad's snide commentary and my mom's barely-disguised crush on Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat helped shape and mold me into the man I am today.
As it turns out though, they lost interest as the Attitude era started gaining steam - gone were the over-the-top nutbars like Doink and Ultimate Warrior, replaced by Stone Cold blaspheming the Bible with his "Austin 3:16" promos and DX crotch-chopping at every opportunity. Stampede Wrestling was no longer shown in our area, and there's no way in hell ECW would get a sniff....so they left it alone. Until tonight.
I brought Aidan over to visit, and while he and Grandpa went outside to throw dirt clumps into the new neighbours' yards under cover of darkness, mom sat down with me to watch the last 30 minutes or so of Raw. I submit to you, unedited, her commentary for your perusal.
For maximum effect, imagine all comments being spoken in a strong, clipped Jamaican-UK hybrid accent, which only gets thicker the more excited/outraged she becomes. Thank you.
Tyson Tomko steps out:
"So many tattoos? Why? Why would a boy need so many tattoos? Thank God you came to your senses! What if he wants another job, who'll hire him?"
Chris Benoit comes out:
"Is that Benoit?"
"He used to be taller, didn't he? Or was it his hair? And why is he taped up like that?"
(I explained that Tomko had earlier nailed him in the gut with a ladder)
"A LADDER?!? IN HIS BELLY? YOU MUS' BE JOKING!"
Benoit leaps off the top rope and barely brushes Tomko's shoulder with the flying headbutt:
"He barely touched him! STOP FAKIN' NAW! GET UP! GET UP NAW"
Benoit slaps the Crossface on Tomko:
"Ohhh.....his head! Why must he pull on his head like that? He won't hit him with a ladder again, though! Get him Benoit! Get him!"
HHH comes out to the commentary booth:
"That's bad surgery. Oh my." <- in reference to the King's numerous facelifts
"Why doesn't he give the chair to Ric Flair? That is Ric Flair, right? He's old, HHH should let him sit down and rest. No respect."
Kane comes out:
"He had a mask. Where is it. Did HHH take it from him?"
"Isn't he friends with.....that man. The tall one. Undertaker, where is he now? Smackdown? What's that?"
Batista comes out:
"...oh my word. Why is he so big?"
"Oh my. Oh my. Oh my WORD."
Match is on:
"Look at them big boys there! OH IN THE FACE NO"
"Why are those other men outside the ring? They can't do that! Stop it! Why don't they leave?"
Lumberjacks pile on Batista:
"OH THERE THEY GO, BOYS WILL BE BOYS"
"NAH RES EM! NAH RES EM!" <- "no rest him", literally "don't stop beating his ass down", translated from patois
"YOU SEE! YOU SEE? DIRTY HIM, YA GET DIRTY SELF" <- as Batista prevents La Resistance from smoking his jewels into the post
"CLEAN HOUSE! CLEEEEEEEEEAN! CLEAN THE HOUSE NAW"
Batista eats a chokeslam, recovers, and pulls off the spinebusters and Demonbomb for the win:
"YES! YES! SHOW THEM! SHOW THEM! SHOW THEM!" *bouncing up and down on the couch while I pee myself laughing*
I do believe I might be able to convince her to order Wrestlemania 21. We'll see.
