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[CarbonRevenge]

You guys talking about sleep. The one thing I treasure in life. The one period in my life where I can say that I cannot deny the awesomeness of sleep. Saddens me though that I have more fun adventures in my dreams than real life and that I see more girls who appreciate me for who I am in them than real life. It's sad in dreams where you fall in love with your imagination.

I'm really desperate for appreciation, aren't I?

 

[Out of Working Order]

You guys talking about sleep. The one thing I treasure in life. The one period in my life where I can say that I cannot deny the awesomeness of sleep. Saddens me though that I have more fun adventures in my dreams than real life and that I see more girls who appreciate me for who I am in them than real life. It's sad in dreams where you fall in love with your imagination.

I'm really desperate for appreciation, aren't I?

I don't remember my dreams most of the time. It just feels like there was a gap where I was not conscious. I prefer it that way.

 

[CarbonRevenge]

I don't remember my dreams most of the time. It just feels like there was a gap where I was not conscious. I prefer it that way.

I remember my dreams because I like knowing that there's something interesting to look forward to. I typically have repeat dreams every so often where I know the whole plot of the dream and typically try to act it out in the way which makes me the happiest. The nicest ones though are the ones where I just go on dates with girls who don't exist and who loves me just like I love them. Basically, it's me escaping my dreary and boring reality.

The time skips suck though. I hate blank dreams.

 

[Out of Working Order]

I remember my dreams because I like knowing that there's something interesting to look forward to. I typically have repeat dreams every so often where I know the whole plot of the dream and typically try to act it out in the way which makes me the happiest. The nicest ones though are the ones where I just go on dates with girls who don't exist and who loves me just like I love them. Basically, it's me escaping my dreary and boring reality.

The time skips suck though. I hate blank dreams.

Wow, so are you in control of the dreams as you have them?

I've had a couple of lucid dreams where I've been able to float around - was quite nice. I was in complete control, but it only lasted a few seconds before I awoke.

Seems we both appreciate different aspects of sleep! But yes, sleep is great - if only because it provides a relief.

 

[CarbonRevenge]

Wow, so are you in control of the dreams as you have them?

I've had a couple of lucid dreams where I've been able to float around - was quite nice. I was in complete control, but it only lasted a few seconds before I awoke.

Seems we both appreciate different aspects of sleep! But yes, sleep is great - if only because it provides a relief.

I can control a vast majority of my dreams but sometime my subconscious blocks me at times which means that i'm just screwed(especially in cases where I can't do shit and need to progress). I also happen to have alot of sleep paralysis from time to time which is even worse because I have nightmares occasionally which basically reaffirms my fears of things.

The relief that is like a drug that I constantly want. If I could go under like those people in Inception who take those sleeping drugs to go to bed for hours on end then I so would. I'd never leave the dream.

 

[EdmondD]

Don't you hate when depression tears through you like a bullet? Shredding your insides. Gut shot. Ever so slowly you start to bleed to death. You cry out in agony. No one hears you. No one can help you.
Somehow, impossibly, you sit upright. Dig out the shards. Bandage yourself up. The bleeding won't stop. You swallow a handful of pain killers making you numb but the pain won't subside. It may never go away. If your lucky it will only leave a scar. A constant reminder. Maybe what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. Maybe that's just a load of bullshit. Who can say?

 

[Windam]

School related breakdowns are the fucking worst.

 

[CarbonRevenge]

I hate how I thought she was going to ask me out. The only girl I can honestly say that I find attractive and finds me attractive but...ugh. Fuck my life. It's like things can't get any more complicated than that. It's also extremely depressing to think that such a thing almost happened to me but because I have no love life then I get so excited for if things might change around.

I'm a mess. I need to stop getting my hopes up. It always ends in disaster for me.

 

[Out of Working Order]

I can control a vast majority of my dreams but sometime my subconscious blocks me at times which means that i'm just screwed(especially in cases where I can't do shit and need to progress). I also happen to have alot of sleep paralysis from time to time which is even worse because I have nightmares occasionally which basically reaffirms my fears of things.

The relief that is like a drug that I constantly want. If I could go under like those people in Inception who take those sleeping drugs to go to bed for hours on end then I so would. I'd never leave the dream.

This is how I woke up during my lucid dreams - I overthought the situation and couldn't relax, causing me to come out of it. I think I ended up lucid dreaming through sleep paralysis, because my body started buzzing and I could feel something like an electric charge. There's also beeping sounds. The trick is not to fight the paralysis and just drift into sleep.

I'd sleep for a thousand years too if it were possible.

 

[Colin.]

You don't know how similar you are to me. I simply find it hard to care about anything, or anyone. I enjoy painting, but I don't feel utterly passionate about it.

Sleep is my favourite time, because then I don't feel anything. Every night I wish to never wake up again. I want nothing more. Question is, how do you get through another (I expect) 30-40 years like this? Although I am thinking that when my parents are gone, I'll quietly off myself then. I'd do it now if I could.

It seems any time I do invest myself enough to truly care about things, it never goes in the positive way I expect, or amounts to nothing at all in the end. When it happens so often over the years, it can really chip away at any optimism you may have. But a lot of the time, it is my fault. Because there is still things that I do care about, but I'm too low functioning all round to get the favourable result I want. I suck.

Also, I wish I could lucid dream too. It would be great to go to sleep, and do whatever I like during it. Would make me enjoy it even more.

 

[MisterLuffy]

Today couldn't get any worse for me. As I was walking to the bus station from being done with my class for that day, I got run overed by a young womn. I was about to walk behind her car but instead I walked in front of her car. She didn't see me as I was walking, and she drove pushing me to the ground. No serious injuries, just scrapes and scratches. She even helped me with bandages, and she gave me her contact if anything serious happens. I should've wrote the license plate just in case if her contact was false. I haven't told my family about this incident. I don't know if I can though because they're going to tell me to sue her. Well, I know my parents would say that. I might confide to my older brother about it. First my wallet was stolen last year, and now this...man I need to stop sinning and pray. Thank God, I didn't get seriously injured. It was a scary experience I've endured for the first time.

 

[Pau]

So I had a strong college semester for my first semester of college. Things went well and I had a decently high GPA. I only dropped one class because I just couldn't handle the course load and decided that i'd make it up eventually down the line by trying to for credit during another semester. Skip to this spring semester where I went to class most of the first twoish weeks of school, started skipping as soon as something personal effected me and caused me to lose motivation for everything, and then now i'm at the point where i'm just finally starting to get back on track even if it means skipping the first exams because of how far behind I am.

This has put me in a position where i've already outright became unable to pass a writing course due to absences(I can't get my way out of it as there's no exceptions) so i'm basically down one class. I have now just have to catch up on readings for my Pop Culture, Geology, PoliSci, and just keep up with my Film History. I hope that I can recover from this rocky start of a semester and it doesn't look too good as of right now. I'm just worried. This semester has just started horribly for me and i'm hoping to get somewhere good by the end of it. I doubt I will though...and i'll have to recover it via another semester entirely. Who knows. College is a learning experience and I keep learning that I bite off more than I can chew at most places. I've learned I can honestly only ever manage 12 credit hours because I suck at academic stuff. I'm sure i'll have to take online summer courses at some point to graduate at a decent time but eh...

Reach out to your teachers and explain what's going on just so they're aware. Go to the counseling center on campus, schedule an appointment, and ask them if you can see someone weekly and if there's anything that you should do in regards to talking to your teachers.

I know how the whole skipping classes thing is. But you're back, and that's good! As for only being able to take 12 credits, I'm with you there.

I hate how I thought she was going to ask me out. The only girl I can honestly say that I find attractive and finds me attractive but...ugh. Fuck my life. It's like things can't get any more complicated than that. It's also extremely depressing to think that such a thing almost happened to me but because I have no love life then I get so excited for if things might change around.

I'm a mess. I need to stop getting my hopes up. It always ends in disaster for me.

Why can't you ask her out?

 

[White Man]

This is why I quit my meds every 3 months and go on some unwise bender:

I always feel like I'm operating at about 70%.

 

[triplestation]

 

[Cameron122]

Even when I am in a crowd i am alone

Dunno why im bothering to write this

 

[AcridMeat]

I recently watched American Psycho and I was actually a bit startled that I could relate to some of Bateman's monologues.

Particularly with feeling disconnected from this world. There are times where you just go through the motions, even conversations and I just feel nothing.

I'm adding this along with what you said Cameron ma dude.

 

[Cameron122]

I wish I felt something other than anger and sadness

I wish people weren't surface level with me

I am not even strong enough to die

 

[demon]

Has anyone had any experience taking gingko biloba with actual positive results? I feel like I could benefit from something helping my memory and concentration (among other things I have legit ADD), but I get the feeling it's probably mostly just bs.

 

[FillerB]

Has anyone had any experience taking gingko biloba with actual positive results? I feel like I could benefit from something helping my memory and concentration (among other things I have legit ADD), but I get the feeling it's probably mostly just bs.

Quick Google search turn up some clashing studies (some claiming it helps people suffering from Alzheimer's, some claiming it's no better than placebo, some claiming it helps with anxiety, others that does fuck-all, etc.) so I'm going to chalk it up as a maybe-it-works-for-you-maybe-it-doesnt. I'm not well-versed enough to know which source to put in a higher regard than others. Classy would know but he, unfortunately, seems to be perma'd.

I did however find the following:

Patients with blood circulation disorders or individuals on anticoagulants, such as aspirin, are at risk of experiencing undesirable effects after taking Ginkgo.

In addition, if you are on antidepressants you are strongly advised not to take Ginkgo as it inhibits monoamine oxidase, reducing the effectiveness of the medications (such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors and monoamine oxidase inhibitors).

Given that I would strongly suggest discussing it with your doctor or avoiding it all together.

 

[Collete]

Had a bit of an episode earlier today and the past week has not been better since my bird has passed away.
*sigh*
I don't know when this will end but fuck I wish this pain stopped...

But...I'm still alive...So that means it's Wednesday, which also means another painting for you guys.

Link to a Higher Resolution

Abandonment

It was going to be a majestic night sky type of painting against a beach but…It turned to something a lot more grimmer here!

Even a world that is entirely familiar can all of a sudden be alien if you’re completely lost.

Also this is the first time using Black Ink software. So a good first step here!

 

[Colin.]

Even a world that is entirely familiar can all of a sudden be alien if you’re completely lost.

This really holds true to me, in a number of ways. Whether it be doing things you used to handle better, or even having the range of feelings you could once have. And the painting does well to compliment that feeling of being lost within the darkness. Good work, Collete.

 

[AcridMeat]

Collete I like the grayscale used, it'd be cool to see more in that style.

This is the first song I'm listening to today, and I think it goes well.

 

[FillerB]

Had a bit of an episode earlier today and the past week has not been better since my bird has passed away.
*sigh*
I don't know when this will end but fuck I wish this pain stopped...

But...I'm still alive...So that means it's Wednesday, which also means another painting for you guys.

=( It always, always suck so damn much when a pet dies. But thank you for keeping up with the paintings. I know I say this every time, but I like them so damn much.

 

[Collete]

This really holds true to me, in a number of ways. Whether it be doing things you used to handle better, or even having the range of feelings you could once have. And the painting does well to compliment that feeling of being lost within the darkness. Good work, Collete.

Thank you.

Collete I like the grayscale used, it'd be cool to see more in that style.

This is the first song I'm listening to today, and I think it goes well.

I'll try my best to produce paintings like this but most of my work are technically "accidents" so I can't guarantee anything lol.

=( It always, always suck so damn much when a pet dies. But thank you for keeping up with the paintings. I know I say this every time, but I like them so damn much.

You're welcome.
Ever since I started my tumblr, I'm trying to be consistent for now on updating every Wednesday.
And that link gave me a little smile on my face, thanks.

 

[ImpassionateGods]

Last week my therapist emphatically told me how "absolutely essential" medication was, and now she is telling me we should "rule out biological factors" and that going on medication is essentially a test to see if I actually needed medication in the first place. Is this how it really works? Finding out I really needed meds and that the depression/anxiety wasn't all in my head was such an incredible weight off my shoulders and now it's back to square one. I don't understand a single thing about myself and I feel like shit for making myself this way. How can you tell someone to make such an important, lasting decision just to test out your theory? I thought therapy would be more helpful than this.

Also Collete that is a very nice painting

 

[Collete]

Last week my therapist emphatically told me how "absolutely essential" medication was, and now she is telling me we should "rule out biological factors" and that going on medication is essentially a test to see if I actually needed medication in the first place. Is this how it really works? Finding out I really needed meds and that the depression/anxiety wasn't all in my head was such an incredible weight off my shoulders and now it's back to square one. I don't understand a single thing about myself and I feel like shit for making myself this way. How can you tell someone to make such an important, lasting decision just to test out your theory? I thought therapy would be more helpful than this.

Also Collete that is a very nice painting

Wait...going on medication to see if you need it? That does not make much sense to me.
They normally tell you to go to see a bunch of other doctors first to see if you have other problems that might be causing the depression and if that's fixable or not.

Considering their point of view, they do want to try and see if your depression is caused by something else and you should see that doctor instead of a psychologist. It'd be more effective to get cancer treated at an actual doctor than a psychologist.
But going on medication to see if you need it sounds asinine. I'd be wary.

And thank you for the compliment. It's really appreciated that people are actually liking what I do

 

[Various Artists]

Been having Panic Attacks the last few days. Feels bad man.

 

[ImpassionateGods]

Wait...going on medication to see if you need it? That does not make much sense to me.
They normally tell you to go to see a bunch of other doctors first to see if you have other problems that might be causing the depression and if that's fixable or not.

Considering their point of view, they do want to try and see if your depression is caused by something else and you should see that doctor instead of a psychologist. It'd be more effective to get cancer treated at an actual doctor than a psychologist.
But going on medication to see if you need it sounds asinine. I'd be wary.

And thank you for the compliment. It's really appreciated that people are actually liking what I do

Yeah I guess I do understand exploring all possibilities, but she basically told me "we'll see if the medication actually does anything and if it doesn't we can rule out that option". I'm going to tell the actual psychiatrist my misgivings with this and see if she can shed some light on them. Maybe my therapist is just phrasing things really strangely.

 

[Various Artists]

Had a bit of an episode earlier today and the past week has not been better since my bird has passed away.
*sigh*
I don't know when this will end but fuck I wish this pain stopped...

But...I'm still alive...So that means it's Wednesday, which also means another painting for you guys.



Link to a Higher Resolution

Abandonment

It was going to be a majestic night sky type of painting against a beach but…It turned to something a lot more grimmer here!

Even a world that is entirely familiar can all of a sudden be alien if you’re completely lost.

Also this is the first time using Black Ink software. So a good first step here!

To me it looks like a cold winter before a warm spring. Keep your head up and keep painting! You're talented.

 

[FillerB]

Yeah I guess I do understand exploring all possibilities, but she basically told me "we'll see if the medication actually does anything and if it doesn't we can rule out that option". I'm going to tell the actual psychiatrist my misgivings with this and see if she can shed some light on them. Maybe my therapist is just phrasing things really strangely.

I can _kinda_ see where the therapist is coming from with giving it a shot, but there is no way you would already notice a difference within a week. Anti-depressive take at least that long to actually kick in, not even talking about actually having an effect.

 

[Femmeworth]

Heartbreak on top of depression is the worst. I don't regret my relationship, but I regret getting into one in the first place. (If that makes sense.)

 

[Smiley90]

Heartbreak on top of depression is the worst. I don't regret my relationship, but I regret getting into one in the first place. (If that makes sense.)

I know what you mean. Opening yourself up for vulnerability is probably one of the scariest things out there.

 

[Collete]

To me it looks like a cold winter before a warm spring. Keep your head up and keep painting! You're talented.

Been trying to keep my head up lately, just been difficult. Going to be putting up a weekly painting regardless if I'm doing bad or not on my tumblr/deviantart/FB/here. (They're basically the same painting, but just on different sites to follow)
I'm talented? Thanks!

Heartbreak on top of depression is the worst. I don't regret my relationship, but I regret getting into one in the first place. (If that makes sense.)

It does make sense.
Still take your time in healing, the heartbreak will slowly fade away in due course.

 

[Cameron122]

I've never been in a relationship, but really just because I'm terrified of the idea ._.

 

[Bluekaveli]

Hmmmmmm

 

[HeroesInAHalfShell]

Not sure if this is relevant enough, but my friend Squeaky (her Twitch alias) has been battling Lyme disease for a long time and she's been struggling lately. She feels really isolated and alone, and both the side effects of the medication and her Lyme itself are really taking a toll on her physically and mentally.

I wish I knew how to help her. She puts on a brave face and she's a strong person but sometimes she's just so depressed and I don't know how to help. She says just interacting with her is enough, but I just wish I could really make a difference. The Twitch community recently ran a benefit for her to help her pay off her medical bills for the new few months so at least she doesn't have the stress of not affording her medicine weighing down on her for now. (There's an article about it posted here - http://www.indiegamemag.com/48-hour-stream-benefit-helps-a-streamer-raises-lyme-awareness/)

I look to GAF as a support group from time to time, if not for her sake than for mine. Seeing her so miserable sometimes makes me feel pretty useless.

 

[jb1234]

Not sure if this is relevant enough, but my friend Squeaky (her Twitch alias) has been battling Lyme disease for a long time and she's been struggling lately. She feels really isolated and alone, and both the side effects of the medication and her Lyme itself are really taking a toll on her physically and mentally.

I wish I knew how to help her. She puts on a brave face and she's a strong person but sometimes she's just so depressed and I don't know how to help. She says just interacting with her is enough, but I just wish I could really make a difference. The Twitch community recently ran a benefit for her to help her pay off her medical bills for the new few months so at least she doesn't have the stress of not affording her medicine weighing down on her for now. (There's an article about it posted here - http://www.indiegamemag.com/48-hour-stream-benefit-helps-a-streamer-raises-lyme-awareness/)

I look to GAF as a support group from time to time, if not for her sake than for mine. Seeing her so miserable sometimes makes me feel pretty useless.

As someone who has an illness with symptoms very similar to hers, reading the article broke me up inside because I see myself in her and I know the struggle. I know how hard it is, the isolation, the shattered dreams, the fear. I'm glad she has a good support system because that is fucking ESSENTIAL with chronic illnesses. I'd be dead right now without my friends.

As for you, you can't heal her or take away her suffering but just being there means more than you can know. It's very common for friends of people who suffer from chronic illness to either step back out of not knowing what to do or bail on the person altogether. Give her space when she needs it, give her support when she needs it and just be awesome.

 

[HeroesInAHalfShell]

As for you, you can't heal her or take away her suffering but just being there means more than you can know. It's very common for friends of people who suffer from chronic illness to either step back out of not knowing what to do or bail on the person altogether. Give her space when she needs it, give her support when she needs it and just be awesome.

Thanks, that's exactly what I try to do. I try to understand her and just be there for her when she needs it, but also leave her be when she asks for time alone.

 

[jb1234]

Thanks, that's exactly what I try to do. I try to understand her and just be there for her when she needs it, but also leave her be when she asks for time alone.

Good man. People who struggle with chronic illnesses are fucking heroes, as far as I'm concerned and so are the people who love and care for them.

 

[Sadsic]

so i just finished school for massage therapy today; i could have never finished any kind of post-secondary school if it werent for me going through therapy and being stable on meds and whatnot.

all you people going through the mental wringer, it can get better! if you find the right treatment, you can live a better life! when i was younger, i was so suicidal i never thought i'd live to be in my 20's, but man it feels fucking good to actually accomplish something for once in my life

 

[AcridMeat]

Congrats on the certification Sadsic. I've been contemplating getting my massage license as well. But don't sell yourself short on accomplishments, your music is fantastic.

 

[Sub_Level]

Could be a placebo but it really seems like lifting and running has been helping my overall disposition. It's not anything dramatic or immediately felt (in fact there are times I will feel depressed immediately after a workout or even DURING!) but it's a way more subtle feeling of slowly growing confidence and optimism. This is an awful analogy but it's comparable to letting a frozen chicken thaw at room temperature. Hardest thing about working out is starting one. Better to look at working out as your friend or medicine that you need to take instead of some kind of struggle or crazy lifestyle change. Seem to ease into it better that way and stay consistent.

so i just finished school for massage therapy today; i could have never finished any kind of post-secondary school if it werent for me going through therapy and being stable on meds and whatnot.

all you people going through the mental wringer, it can get better! if you find the right treatment, you can live a better life! when i was younger, i was so suicidal i never thought i'd live to be in my 20's, but man it feels fucking good to actually accomplish something for once in my life

Congrats! Tech school I went to offered massage therapy. I love the ones where you sit down more than the more full blown treatments. So soothing. And you're right, it does feel good to follow through with something. Where are you going in life from here?

 

[Jacobi]

So I just had a flare of my disease yesterday and I experienced HORRIBLE depression.
Damn that... It's over now and I'm glad about that but JESUS people...
And the horrible thing about that is that friends&family can't really comfort you.
So what I wanted to say with this is, my best wishes go out to those who suffer...

 

[msdstc]

I got some Niacin tonight and I'm also looking into st. Johns wort and maybe some l-tyrosine... any thoughts?

 

[Sadsic]

Congrats! Tech school I went to offered massage therapy. I love the ones where you sit down more than the more full blown treatments. So soothing. And you're right, it does feel good to follow through with something. Where are you going in life from here?

im getting kicked out of my parents house in july, so im just hoping i can make enough money to get my own place before then. sink or swim time

 

[AcridMeat]

I wanted to take some self portraits today, to try to get back into being artsy fartsy (admittedly slightly motivated by collete) However all 4 of my batteries for my DSLR were dead, so I ended up bringing a point and shoot I have. The battery for that showed that it's charge was fine at home, but when I got there it died in a few minutes. Only took a couple before it did, then even tried my phone. Pathetic. I look extremely pissed in one of these as a result. hahaha

Hair was a mess as well.

 

[Pau]

I wanted to take some self portraits today, to try to get back into being artsy fartsy (admittedly slightly motivated by collete) However all 4 of my batteries for my DSLR were dead, so I ended up bringing a point and shoot I have. The battery for that showed that it's charge was fine at home, but when I got there it died in a few minutes. Only took a couple before it did, then even tried my phone. Pathetic. I look extremely pissed in one of these as a result. hahaha

Hair was a mess as well.

is that a thigh gap

 

[jerry1594]

Hey gang, just popping to say I feel negatively all of the waking day. Not really much else to report as I kind of sort of spoke with my therapist today, but I hope well for all of you. Stay strong.

 

[AcridMeat]

is that a thigh gap

Chekkin mi bum?

 

[demon]

Quick Google search turn up some clashing studies (some claiming it helps people suffering from Alzheimer's, some claiming it's no better than placebo, some claiming it helps with anxiety, others that does fuck-all, etc.) so I'm going to chalk it up as a maybe-it-works-for-you-maybe-it-doesnt. I'm not well-versed enough to know which source to put in a higher regard than others. Classy would know but he, unfortunately, seems to be perma'd.

Nooo, don't tell me that. I need my magic pill. Give me my magic pill.