Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.

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Hey guys,

Just a heads up, because this is the only thread where some people actually know who I am - I'm going to request a two month ban after finishing this post. Internet is way too distracting, and I'm filling my life with trivial bullshit while I should be working on fixing my life. I know I never really come in here anymore, but it's time for drastic action. I'm blocking some other sites, like Reddit, through a program on my pc, but I'm depressingly vulnerable to OCD-like behavior and addictions. My procrastination is really getting out of hand, so I'll need all the help I can get. I can (and do) waste entire days on sites like this, even if I don't post a lot.

So don't freak out when you see that I'm banned. I'm fine. At least, I hope I will be. All the best, everyone.

Edit: Just a quick edit before my ban goes into effect: I'm actually not sure if I'm going to come back to Gaf after this. Don't get me wrong, this thread in particular was very important for me, and set me on the road to something better. In all honesty, I'm not sure if I would still be alive if it wasn't for some people here, even though they probably don't realize it. I was in bad shape back then, way worse than I am now, and hopefully I'll never get there again. But I need to change my life, and I know how easy I can get obsessed over certain distractions. I just want to thank everyone here for all the good they've done me. I'll pop in the chat towards the end of April probably, just to see how everyone's doing, but I might be done with Gaf for good. I'll see how my life turned out in two months, I've got some important life decisions coming up, so I honestly don't know. All I now is that changes are needed.

Thanks everyone, from the bottom of my heart.
 
DoktorEvil said:
How long has she been feeling the way you described?

Most people self medicate with pills or something else to solve the problem. Others believe in CBT. I'm scared to take pills that may be addictive so I went to CBT. It helps to find her a therapist to talk to.
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Maybe a year and a half or so, I'm not exactly sure. She goes to group therapy and individual therapy already fortunately. She hasn't been to individual therapy for a little while though, I'm hoping she goes soon. She thinks she should go soon and I told her I think it should be a priority. Deep down I can tell she wants to help herself so I am glad for that at least.
 
I'm thinking of going off Welbutrin when my prescription ends at the end of the month. For anyone who has taken it and then gone off - what were the side effects like? Any issues?
 
Hey guys. I know it has been a long time since I posted in here, but since I was graduating from Group DBT today, I found myself doing some reflection, and realizing how much an impact this place had on me.

Before DBT, even with an individual therapist I was a complete mess. I felt completely isolated and alone, and the only coping mechanisms I had were unhealthy behaviors(drugs/alcohol/self harming) and this board. Mental Health Gaf helped me get through some very hard times in my life, simply being able to relate and interact with other people suffering from similar ailments helped. That is why I think Group DBT has been effective for me, I don't feel alone.

Right now it feels like my life is looking up, and I think I can actually look forward to the future with genuine enthusiasm, for the first time in years frankly. Last week I had a job interview at my step-fathers place of work, and I have succeeded in getting a job on my own personal merits, straight from my step-fathers mouth. I start next week. I have gone back to school, and am trying to get my NSA degree at a technical school.

My life feels like it has some structure and purpose now, and I just want to thank the people on this board who helped me get through very difficult times in my life. I never forget, and appreciate any advice or kind words I've received here.

I am by no means cured. I will probably have to live with Major Depression for the rest of my life, and will perhaps need medication forever too. I still struggle with apathy and suicidal ideation on a day to day basis, but I have accepted that, and feel that I finnally have the tools to manage my Depression. I cannot reccommend DBT enough.

I am not a religious person, but everyone in this thread has my thoughts and prayers. And I hope you all can find happiness in your life, knowing full well how difficult such a thing can be. Take care guys, I hope anyone struggling here can get the help they need and deserve.
 
Today was kind of a big day for me. It's ten years today that I attempted suicide and failed. It's also the day that I nearly relapsed but fought back and succeeded in doing so. I'm proud of myself but also at the same time disappointed. I'm not disappointed that I nearly relapsed, I'm disappointed that I didn't relapse and let go. It's a weird combination. The thought of just going back there grows stronger every day.
 
kikanny said:
Hi all. I was wondering if anyone here has had any sort of experience with Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy? I'm aware its CBT with mindfulness techniques but am wondering if its superior to just CBT? And speaking of CBT, has it helped anyone here with their depression and anxiety problems? I really can't stand the side effects of medication and am hoping to give therapy a shot. Thanks!
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I had mindfulness CBT for my social anxiety. I did it in conjunction with medication which helped uncloud my mind and let me concentrate on getting better.

The mindfulness techniques allowed me to externalise my problems, and look at them as if I were a third party. That allied with the new way of thinking that the CBT gave me completely changed my life. I couldn't say for sure that it will work for everyone and for all conditions but it certainly helped me.
 
hi gaf,

reading through this guide/thread has helped me quite a bit with my battle with
depression. a recent event in my life (which is explained later) made me
come out of lurking and made me want to post. please deal with my
fairly long post, thank you.

i've been battling depression ever since i failed my last credit to get my high school diploma,
and have been repeating the same single course over a year.
During this time i've stayed in my room for most of it, occaisionally going out.

Over the course of that year ive felt this depression i've never felt before,
and it's stuck with me as i'm halfway through my second semester at college.
As i walk alone around my campus i'm reminded of how alone i feel, how
i would like to be in a group of friends that i could talk about my problems with.
though i do have groups i belong in, i feel like being alone.
These sinking feelings in my chest have made me succumb to just mindlessly
browsing through fourms on the internet, trying to keep my mind away from my problems.
i've slept through mid-terms, ignored major assignments because of how shitty i feel.

What made me come out of lurking was when a close friend of mine that i could talk about my problems
with blocked me on facebook. She meant alot to me, i've known
her since elementary school and now she's gone. I don't feel like doing
anything at the moment, this lingering feeling in my chest has come back.
 
I'm so useless. I have a project for Data Structures. I didn't even try to attempt further because I'm lost in what I need to do. He was giving tips in class last week on how to do it, but I didn't bother writing it down. A friend of mine asked me if I wrote the tips down. I said no. My note takings sucks. See how useless I am. I wouldn't even recommend anyone in getting notes from me when they're absent.

I don't want to speak anymore, the things I say are stupid.
 
jb1234 said:
Those who know me well know that I've been struggling with a phantom illness with no cure that has only been getting worse over the years. It has taken my life away from me, one piece at a time, despite a valiant (albeit often dramatic) struggle. The doctors are useless, sometimes condescending and just throw potent drugs with even more potent side-effects to attempt to try and smother symptoms. They don't work and often just make things worse.

At a hellish trip to the grocery store last night, I had to rest three times in between filling my cart, held in my tears from the pain while waiting in line (standing in place is the worst for some reason. Makes my feet and shoulders burn horrifically) and then, struggled to lift these bags up two flights of stairs. Once I made it to the apartment, I dropped the bags and started crying. I got my food but was it worth it?

I was already having a dreadful month, where I'd fought with a bunch of people I loved, struggled with adjusting to a new medicine (which of course, does nothing), suffered through two nearly unbearable flares (in the middle of the second right now, oh joy of joys) and just haven't been holding it together as well as I'd like. And I feel so goddamned alone because no one can relate to this at all. They can relate to depression, sure. And who wouldn't be depressed in circumstances such as this?

I get lots of support for the depression but excruciating, chronic pain? It's like I live in a different world from the healthy, from the ones who actually can go to the grocery store and not feel like they're passing on to the next life. And the fatigue? Sweet Jesus. It always feels like I have the flu, no matter how much pain I'm in. That sickish, exhausted feeling that makes it sometimes impossible to get out of bed or even lift your head to look at the television.

The one thing that I've been trying to hold on to is my apartment. I've a very solitary person and when I'm in pain (which I always am, to varying degrees of misery), I want to be left alone. They're my goddamned fucking tears and I refuse to let anyone see them. And financially, it has been very treacherous. I simply don't get enough income from the government to maintain where I live (I'm below the poverty level) and sudden expenditures always happen (especially with my goddamned car) so my savings is getting steadily depleted. I know there's nothing left once it's gone so that scares me. But it doesn't really matter all that much because it's becoming very clear that I simply can't take care of myself any longer. I can't maintain my apartment, which is invaded with dust, dirt, and food particles. I can't maintain myself, as evidenced by the grocery incident. Other needed trips are similarly impossible. When I sold my last car, my mom had to do all the work because I couldn't drive out there myself at the time. I'm still waiting to hear back from mental health on my therapy but it doesn't matter because nine times out of ten, I'll be in too much pain to go. Simply getting into the shower these days requires a herculean effort.

Ordinarily, I'd move in with my mom, in a town I hate and we'd proceed to kill each other because I'm the solitary type and she desperately wants to help, at any cost. But she got diagnosed with the same illness a few months ago (albeit at a lesser severity, for now) and already suffers from bad arthritis. She's retiring soon and together, we wouldn't have enough money to maintain her rental house. She currently lives in and maintains my grandma's house, which is really only big enough for her. The only other offer is with my buddy Bob and his wife. I've known him for most of my life (since I was 10) and his wife in particular would push to take me in. But their place isn't large, their basement still isn't fixed up after a flood and it's a really uncertain situation. Moving in with friends (especially married ones) is ordinarily a dicey situation but with my health being the way it is? I'm a very heavy burden being pushed on other people to take care of. I don't want that. Worse, I'm basically tethering myself to them so every decision they make about their future requires a concession. What if they ever decide to move? Or have a family?

The decision I have to make is whether this is all worth fighting for. People make these grand statements about life (hell, I've read a few in recent GAF threads) about how amazing it can be and how it's so much better than being dead. I beg to differ. Take away your health, take away your dreams, take away your chance to fall in love, have kids, have a family, have a career, to travel and stick yourself in someone's basement for the rest of your life to rot and you'll see just how much worse than death life can get. I'm also very aware that I'm not going to get any healthier as I age, even putting aside the progressive nature of the illness. I can't even imagine fighting cancer or something else nasty while just trying to get through the usual misery that I've been fighting for the last decade. Friends and family make the usual platitudes, about how there's still a chance if you keep fighting but they're not the ones living it. It's very easy to make blanket statements when you don't have a fucking clue what you're talking about.

I'm not afraid to die. At least, not much. It's just that once I'm dead, that's it. It's over. It's a decision that has to be made with the utmost of delicacy because there are no second chances, no do-overs. It just makes me sick that circumstances and fate have pushed me into a position where this is actually a rational, logical choice to be made.
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You said it in the last paragraph - once it's over, it's over. There would be no coming back. Try to hold on to the things you do take joy out of, even if they may be hard to find at times.

Have your doctors formally put a name to your illness? My mother suffers from fibromyalgia and some of the symptoms sound similar (constant fatigue, continual pain). You are in my thoughts and prayers - keep fighting!
 
ffman said:
You said it in the last paragraph - once it's over, it's over. There would be no coming back. Try to hold on to the things you do take joy out of, even if they may be hard to find at times.

Have your doctors formally put a name to your illness? My mother suffers from fibromyalgia and some of the symptoms sound similar (constant fatigue, continual pain). You are in my thoughts and prayers - keep fighting!
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Yeah, fibro is the official diagnosis. I just hate to call it that because people tend to not take you seriously. Even as recently as a few months ago, I had an ER doc scoff at me when I told him what I had and said it was all in my head.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate them.
 
jb1234 said:
Yeah, fibro is the official diagnosis. I just hate to call it that because people tend to not take you seriously. Even as recently as a few months ago, I had an ER doc scoff at me when I told him what I had and said it was all in my head.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate them.
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Oh what an asshole. I wouldve chewed his ass out right then and there.
 
This week has just been really rough.
Depression doesn't let up nearly all week and half the time I think I'm going insane listening to my depression. It gets lonely and terrifying when you hear these things...But I'm still here...yet again...*sigh* I don't think I can last long...

Still... means yet another painting as long as I'm in this madness...this time it's worse! Yey...

helix1.jpg
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Hail Helix!

Start, select, down, down, down, left, up , A, B.....
 
Hey guys.

I'm not depressed, but like you guys, I'm the sort of person that can sit down and think for hours on end and I'm sure you guys know what I mean when I say "think". It may not have to be negative or positive, but it mentally drains you.

I always did put that down to anxiety/depression. I guess we're raised to believe that if you do think a lot, you're probably not alright. However, recently I feel like the way I feel, think, and see things has been encouraged and as a result I'm on cloud 9 right now..

There was a period of about a couple days last week where it all came tumbling out to my girlfriend that I'm not the most mentally straight person. I cried, swore and apologized to her for "tricking" her into a relationship with me.. I thought that would be the breaking point but really surprisingly, she responded with love and compassion. She knocked the idea of tricking her out of my head and gave me one of those "everyone deserves to be loved" talks which I responded with "but you don't deserve me" (as in she could find someone normal) to which she responded that she'll make that decision by herself..

It felt great to finally have someone I could talk to and it had a huge domino effect. I stood up to my family and explained to them that their fuck ups are not my fuck ups and that I'm an adult now and can make my own choices, mistakes, and learn from them.mI feel I've battled a decent amount of depression from the ages of 16-20 but ever since early 2013 I've really felt comfortable being me. 21 now and I love me cause I know the people around me love me too. It isn't impossible to slip back into things though, like I slipped back into a mini-depression myself once I hit issues with my girlfriend but once you have people around you who you can talk to and understand you, life is that much better.

I probably should have posted here instead of making that thread but I guess what I really wanted to say was that I'm glad I am who I am and I'm glad I've surrounded myself with people that are similar to myself. I feel that people who are considered to have mental health issues should hang around with other people that understand them. I'm really starting to believe that mental health isn't really an issue, but more to do with being able to find people you can be intimate with which is an uncommon trait in a lot of people I believe..
 
jb1234 said:
Yeah, fibro is the official diagnosis. I just hate to call it that because people tend to not take you seriously. Even as recently as a few months ago, I had an ER doc scoff at me when I told him what I had and said it was all in my head.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate them.
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I think fibro is a disease that many - doctors included - don't yet understand the significance of.
 
Wilsongt said:
I've been reading more into loneliness lately, because as a scientists, I like to have reasons for why things happen to me in terms of my mental health and all.

Turns out, loneliness can cause a 45% increase in mortality over all.

So, I guess that is something to look forward to. Stay lonely and I'll die sooner. Woohoo!
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ok, in that light, you might want to read Sherry Turkle's Alone Together.
In the same line: The Shallows by Nicolas Carr, in case you haven't read that one yet.

also: the main treat is -afaik- not increased mortality as such (the 'nun study' only gives a difference of six years or so) but rather health effects, like brain atrophy (modular, and not without repair, but inconvenient) and physical pain. Though we might presume that this last one has to accounted to psychosomatic effects, similar to the placebo-effect.
 
kikanny said:
Hi all. I was wondering if anyone here has had any sort of experience with Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy? I'm aware its CBT with mindfulness techniques but am wondering if its superior to just CBT? And speaking of CBT, has it helped anyone here with their depression and anxiety problems? I really can't stand the side effects of medication and am hoping to give therapy a shot. Thanks!
Click to expand...

Mindfulness/meditation has helped a lot with my panic symptoms. Whenever I feel a panic attack coming on, I try sit quietly and focus on my breathing. I'm about to start reading some of Jon Kabat Zinn's books on mindfulness based stress reduction to see if I can get some relief there.

So far, it hasn't helped with insomnia or my generalized anxiety/depression, but I'm also not working on it as much as I could. If you can keep an open mind (which is hard for me, for sure) I'd definitely give it a shot.
 
I was to make a promise/goal not to harm myself this week.
Now my mind is mocking me for making such a goal.
"You will never keep that up. Just give it up now..."
*sigh* It's nearly impossible to do anything helpful for myself without depression mocking me in the back...
 
It's such a shitty cycle and it feels like I can't break it anymore. Feel ok for a couple days and then go back to feeling like absolute shit again. Nothing gets fixed, it just gets blocked out until it comes back stronger. I can't figure out how to move past it.
 
Collete said:
I was to make a promise/goal not to harm myself this week.
Now my mind is mocking me for making such a goal.
"You will never keep that up. Just give it up now..."
*sigh* It's nearly impossible to do anything helpful for myself without depression mocking me in the back...
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Harming yourself how...?
Kozak said:
Hey guys.

I'm not depressed, but like you guys, I'm the sort of person that can sit down and think for hours on end and I'm sure you guys know what I mean when I say "think". It may not have to be negative or positive, but it mentally drains you.

I always did put that down to anxiety/depression. I guess we're raised to believe that if you do think a lot, you're probably not alright. However, recently I feel like the way I feel, think, and see things has been encouraged and as a result I'm on cloud 9 right now..

There was a period of about a couple days last week where it all came tumbling out to my girlfriend that I'm not the most mentally straight person. I cried, swore and apologized to her for "tricking" her into a relationship with me.. I thought that would be the breaking point but really surprisingly, she responded with love and compassion. She knocked the idea of tricking her out of my head and gave me one of those "everyone deserves to be loved" talks which I responded with "but you don't deserve me" (as in she could find someone normal) to which she responded that she'll make that decision by herself..

It felt great to finally have someone I could talk to and it had a huge domino effect. I stood up to my family and explained to them that their fuck ups are not my fuck ups and that I'm an adult now and can make my own choices, mistakes, and learn from them.mI feel I've battled a decent amount of depression from the ages of 16-20 but ever since early 2013 I've really felt comfortable being me. 21 now and I love me cause I know the people around me love me too. It isn't impossible to slip back into things though, like I slipped back into a mini-depression myself once I hit issues with my girlfriend but once you have people around you who you can talk to and understand you, life is that much better.

I probably should have posted here instead of making that thread but I guess what I really wanted to say was that I'm glad I am who I am and I'm glad I've surrounded myself with people that are similar to myself. I feel that people who are considered to have mental health issues should hang around with other people that understand them. I'm really starting to believe that mental health isn't really an issue, but more to do with being able to find people you can be intimate with which is an uncommon trait in a lot of people I believe..
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I loved your post. Just wanted to highlight that part because I find even my own family doesn't always understand me. I was ridiculed by my mother today because I still need assistance from her at 25. It's like she forgets that I don't function as well as she does.

I wish I was around more people I felt understood and loved me.
 
A Human Becoming said:
I loved your post. Just wanted to highlight that part because I find even my own family doesn't always understand me. I was ridiculed by my mother today because I still need assistance from her at 25. It's like she forgets that I don't function as well as she does.

I wish I was around more people I felt understood and loved me.
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Yeah definitely huge issues with my family. I pretty much told them that even though I love them, I cant stay in the same house cause we're on totally different levels when it comes to the way we think about life.

My mum understands but my brother thinks I've turned weird and my dad thinks I'm headed down the wrong path or something.

It definitely is an amazing feeling when talking to somebody and they get you and even share the same thoughts/feelings
 
Ogs said:
Do i have depression, or just no personality ? Is the lack of personality causing depression ? This shit it running around my head like crazy.
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"personality" is just a stereotype. In reality it doesn't truly exist. Neither does 'self' in the strong sense of a collected personality or even soul. There are some strong correlations with behaviour over time, but that's all really rather shoddy at best in the academic sense.

It's doesn't hurt to believe in that illusion though. At the least the good ones, like: I exist; I am a decent person; I am kind; I forgive; I am generally a good person; I lie when it is for the better, and that doesn't make me a bad person; and so on.

Repeating negative thought patterns (and believing they might be true) is generally considered the route to depression though, since that is its technical definition. :P

But as the "are you happy" thread demonstrated, when people are comfortable, their 'level' of self-reported happiness doesn't change. Happiness beyond the comfort-threshold seems to have more to do with personal beliefs, and / or upbringing.

this is all my somewhat educated opinion, of course.
 
Collete said:
I was to make a promise/goal not to harm myself this week.
Now my mind is mocking me for making such a goal.
"You will never keep that up. Just give it up now..."
*sigh* It's nearly impossible to do anything helpful for myself without depression mocking me in the back...
Click to expand...

I don't even know what to say to this except to reach out when you're lowest. I know there's almost always someone here or on this mythical chat I keep hearing about, but it's when you're at your lowest that you need people there with you.

Amazing how a group of people are stronger together than they are solo.
 
Omegasquash said:
I don't even know what to say to this except to reach out when you're lowest. I know there's almost always someone here or on this mythical chat I keep hearing about, but it's when you're at your lowest that you need people there with you.

Amazing how a group of people are stronger together than they are solo.
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Link to web-based client for chat is in the first post of the thread. It's an image button someone made for that's the link, I think.
 
So Wellbutrin reads like some kind of miracle drug that will fix everything that's wrong with me. Right now (and for the past several years) I've had no passion or drive, been almost completely unable to enjoy the things I love, had trouble sleeping, and I've had an increasingly addictive personality--specifically destructive addictions like junk food and video games. I've never seen any kind of professional about this. In fact, for many years I was in denial that I even had depression.

I'm just scared of pills in general, though. I know the first step is just to see a doctor, and find out where it goes from there. Not sure what I'm looking for from this thread; just thought I would put down my thoughts and if anyone has some idea about my situation I'd appreciate it.
 
HappyBivouac said:
So Wellbutrin reads like some kind of miracle drug that will fix everything that's wrong with me. Right now (and for the past several years) I've had no passion or drive, been almost completely unable to enjoy the things I love, had trouble sleeping, and I've had an increasingly addictive personality--specifically destructive addictions like junk food and video games. I've never seen any kind of professional about this. In fact, for many years I was in denial that I even had depression.

I'm just scared of pills in general, though. I know the first step is just to see a doctor, and find out where it goes from there. Not sure what I'm looking for from this thread; just thought I would put down my thoughts and if anyone has some idea about my situation I'd appreciate it.
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I can relate to the bolded, but when I did finally decide to go on medication I have not experienced any difficulty coming off them. There have been a few days in between when I had to come off to switch to another where I felt very nervous, self conscious and on edge but nothing long lasting. Have had to come off cold turkey on more than one occasion my meds are only available by prescription and my Doctor was not available so went a few weeks without on some occasions.

Long story short nothing to be worried about.
 
Had a rough go of things physically the last few days, blood sugar dropping really low, over correcting to get it up making it too high, fucking up my sleep pattern as a result and my digestion system is acting like I ate something gluten (celiac blows). Robbed of all my physical energy which is compounding with my mental problems right now.

Trying to stay positive with my new toy (Neo Geo Pocket Color and Dark Arms), but I just want to roll over and go to sleep forever. And my wife is visiting family over the weekend, so I'm getting antsy at the thought of being lonely for a few days. Bleh.
 
Met up with my finance advisor for the first time in like 5 months, he commented that I lost weight and looked like I had not been getting enough sleep.

Yeah. It's noticeable how crappy I've been and yet I can't tell anyone. -sigh-
 
So I just got accepted by a university to get into the program of my dreams I really want, but it cost a lot of money and im scared to move out of my father's place. I never had a job more than 6 months and im kind of scare to move to a new city and that it take time to find one... Plus my life is shit because im afraid of germs...
 
I'm pissed right now because I'm wasting my time slacking off. I have an essay to do. I got started on it this week. I have the thesis, the sources, and topic sentences. The only thing I need to do is write more. I can't write at all. It's like I'm at my limit.

I also have a project to do for computer science class, and I'm already confused with it. I sent my brother the project, and he finished it in 10 minutes. 10 MINUTES! You know what's sad, my instructor did some of the hard parts in coding which I could never think of. The only thing I have to do is implement statements in methods.
 
Cranzor said:
Maybe a year and a half or so, I'm not exactly sure. She goes to group therapy and individual therapy already fortunately. She hasn't been to individual therapy for a little while though, I'm hoping she goes soon. She thinks she should go soon and I told her I think it should be a priority. Deep down I can tell she wants to help herself so I am glad for that at least.
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That's good to hear. Keep an eye and a ear open to her if she needs someone to rely on.
 
Essay said:
I thought this was a really nice TED talk on depression. Not sure if anyone's posted it in the thread since it was released last month, but it's full of a lot of good stories and perspectives if you have half-an-hour to spare.

Andrew Solomon: Depression, the secret we share
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I know I'm late to this and have never posted in here but my wife sent me this video and it really hit home, I can relate to nearly everything he said. I'm in therapy and have been told that I have dysthymia, basically chronic, low level depression. Watching this video was a real breakthrough for me, being told something (diagnosis) and then being shown something (how I related to this video) are entirely different experiences.

I'm doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and while it didn't click at first these last couple of weeks have been really good and I think it's partly because of that video, it allowed me to accept what's going on with me, if that makes sense.

Anyway, thanks for this thread and the participation of all of you.
 
Someone please help me I don't know what to do.

My sister(11 years old) was called down to the principal's office because her friends were concerned over an email she sent them where she talked about cutting herself. They aren't letting her back into the school until she gets okayed by a psychologist. I know the password to her email so I logged in to read it(this may be dishonest and shitty but I don't really care at this point). She sounds very very depressed. She wrote that she wants to cut herself every day and one day came so close she had bandaids and scissors ready to go before she stopped herself. She wrote out a metaphor about anxiety and depression and being trapped in a hole full of knives and it ended in a suicide in which no one cared and at this point I don't even know if the suicide was part of the metaphor or if she actually would kill herself one day. I try to be a good sister and I believe that I am. We love each other a lot, she is the most important person in the world to me, and I spend basically the whole day after school with her when I'm home(sometimes I'm a lazy asshole who turns down a game but I always sit with her). I know that she's been depressed and that school causes her A LOT of anxiety but I didn't know it was this bad. I am not capable of cheering a person up when they're sad, so I figure I will just continue to be by her side, make her happy,give her things to look forward to. I think I should tone down my negativity. I am very worried that I have passed along these thoughts to her. On a few of my worst days I haven't been able to keep up the positive front and my emails reflected that. I never talked about suicide or cutting.

What can I do to make this as good for her as possible? What should I avoid doing so I don't make it worse? I wish out of all the people in the world she could be the happiest one alive because she is utterly wonderful and she deserves that. Today I had a terrible morning and I found myself wishing I could get everyone in my family to leave me alone for the day so I could hide in my room. I didn't want to play with my sister because I knew I would have to pretend to be happy. Now she is gone for the rest of my day on the way to the doctor and a part of me feels like I caused even this to happen. I wrote on my blog that if everyone out there died i wouldn't give a shit but I wrote it that way to exclude my family and I never meant her. idk.
 
I'm in fucking tears...
My damn minor advisor apparently did not listen to me when I told her that I was graduating this semester, when I was applying my minor for my degree, I even told her I was graduating so they should make it be applied for this semester...I went at the earliest time possible to get this done......Then this shit happens and she puts my minor is effective in summer instead of this spring...I just emailed her about this but...I'm in fucking tears...I might not graduate...AGAIN this semester...
I'm fucking cursed...
 
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