I was just wondering if you could elaborate a bit on this stance, specifically for your story. I've always been fascinated by the conflicting feelings that can arise in cases like this. If she was your dreamgirl wouldn't it be worth it to try to work it out? I always hear relationships take work and you have to work through roadblocks. Maybe she got cold feet for a bit but regretted it when she found out how much she missed you in her life, is that so wrong? I'm not trying to bring up bad memories but I'm just wondering why it should be unforgivable for things like this to occur. It occasionally seems that the advice in here is that at the very first sign of trouble you should just break it off (which can be completely correct sometimes).
And secondly, how in the hell is coming 3-4 times at all pleasurable? Just thinking about that makes me get all twitchy down there.
Coming 3 or 4 times definitely requires something special the last times, but this was over the course of probably 6 hours. I would get terribly horny with her, so I'd be super willing, but yes, it required special attention after coming twice.
I don't mind elaborating. I'll start with why I'm not going back. It takes a bit of context. I met this girl online five and a half years ago. We were just talking about this and that, and we were on the flirty side. We spoke back and forth and were heavily flirting. I then got to know the fact that she had a boyfriend, and backed off a bit. We didn't speak for a couple of months, but it was already pretty clear that she wasn't that happy in the relationship. We spoke about it at some times. It was clear that she sought out my attention when she wasn't getting what she wanted from him. I remember having a good conversation with her one day when she suddenly just basically went "gotta go, my boyfriend is home
", completely ditching me to his favor.
Things progress a bit. I'm a bit reluctant and I don't know what to make of her liking me when she's in a relationship. We decide to meet and meet on April 24th, soon five years ago. We sit outside for six hours straight, just talking about everything and nothing. We say goodbye and hug. She sent a text saying how nice it was. This would be an amazing start, but her having a boyfriend has me nonplussed. I decide that I don't really owe the boyfriend anything, and since what I wish for at this point is to take care of her the best I can, I can't find anything I can't defend with progressing things while she's in a relationship. Things stagnate at a point, but I find a way to show her that I won't just sit around to wait for her while she takes her sweet time. That sparks things, and she sends me a word-document wherein she describes her feelings for me, with a sort of "this is just sink or swim" attitude. I tell her I also feel the same way, but I'm conflicted due to her situation. She is living with him. They end up breaking up, but she's still living with him. We have an amazing couple of months, literally some of the best of both of our lives. At one point, she says she wishes to hang out with her ex before he leaves for his masters out of the country. I'm very laid back at this point, and tell her I trust her with that, but also tell her she needs to be cautious not to be subject to 'rosy retrospection bias', that she'll only remember the good times with her ex.
Later, she wishes to hang out more with her, and I feel the relationship coming out of balance. I tell her I'm concerned, because I know what an out-of-balance relationship normally ends up with - a break up. I tell her that now she's comparing the two of us, and when she's throwing our relationship out of balance, she's not doing a fair comparison. She says that's not the case and that we'll work on getting the balance back, and that she wants to be with me. This is the first time I cry to her. This was September 2010. October comes and she breaks up with me. My prophecy came true. She didn't work on our relationship and instead looked back to her ex.
She didn't let me go, though. When she broke up with me, she literally said "I wish we could just stay here forever", and so began the toughest four months of my life. My grades fell through, I was kicked out of a class. We'd hang out a ton. We'd be back and forth, as she couldn't make up her mind. I tried being there, working through it, talking to her about how she wasn't happy with him, but was happy with me. I got enough of it, and decided I was done. That was probably November. She regretted ever having broken up with me, and swore we would work things out. Of course I wanted to do that, so we tried. Then I found out she had sent "I miss our position
" to her ex, implying their favourite sex position. That stung like a motherfucker. Especially since the sex we had was so much better than what an her ex had had. I was up in arms, but she convinced me to stay and talk with her. She said it wouldn't ever happen. I said we both had to give it our all, do fun things together and work on rebuilding the trust to the relationship. She was more than happy and willing. Maybe a day later, I found out she was flirting with an older ex. At one point, she met him. She called me in, to "show that she had moved on", but kept flirting with him while I was there. I was extremely upset with her when he left, and she said she understood and admitted her wrongdoing, saying that that was the only ex that ever dumped her, and that had had her do that.
Again we were gonna give it our all. She didn't. She was flirting with this ex. I found some very hurtful messages on her phone. I had also stepped over a huge barrier for me; checking her phone. However, I was glad that I did it, because I only did it on suspicion, and every time I found something worse than last time.
After eleven times of this back and forth of her promising things were different, I finally dropped it cold turkey. I was done with the most stressful part of my life and progressed towards a new future. This happened December 26th. The day before, we had been having fun via text when she was home, far away from my city, but I actually sensed that her ex had driven out there by surprise in the way she suddenly texted. It was the same as that time on MSN. I was done. I left.
She became erratic. She tried calling me tens of times per day. I'd go home and put my phone under my couch without any sound or vibration to get out of my head about it. She waited outside my house some days. I said it was over. She sent me roses for Valentine's. I didn't want anything to do with her. The contact subsided. A couple of months later, I was doing a lot better. My life started feeling whole again. I missed her, and kept getting some texts. One night, my world felt as if it was falling apart. At that time she called for the first time in what felt forever. I cried and answered. She cried and we just decided to meet. We decided we needed some time to think it through, but it would really be different this time. I left for Tokyo for two weeks and we decided to meet up when I got back. We spoke positively, saying how much we looked forward to meeting each other when I got back home.
We got back home and ironed out the kinks. I asked if she had slept with her ex during Christmas, since I knew she'd seem him. She said no. I asked a lot of times over the next month, since I didn't believe her. She said no, and I let it be. One day she admitted to it. We had a great summer, but she was never able to talk to me about it. I said I needed to talk about it to be able to rebuild the trust in our relationship, but I would be met by something like "why do you bring this up, now?!" then "Are you still not done with that?!" which sparked the first line of arguments we'd ever had. She was defensive and swept it away by attacking me back. I was bewildered and spent the entire summer trying to find more sensitive ways to word myself and better times to bring it up. To no avail.
I never really got over it. I told her I still had trust issues since she didn't speak to me about it, which I guess was met with more aggressiveness. I somehow got somewhat past it, but the fear never subsided totally. I told her I was afraid she wouldn't be there for me when I needed her the most. Other than that we had an amazing relationship. The sex was amazing. I loved her more and more every day. We had tons of fun and had an extremely healthy relationship. People really saw that we fit together. I was still a bit afraid, though. We kept having huge arguments too often, because of the way she'd handle any type of criticism. One day I got fed up with her bullshit and asked her to leave. She refused, so I carried her out of my house. But she decided to make such a ruckus my parents came to see what the fuzz was about. She yelled ugly things as I told my parents I simply wanted her out. She contacted my best friend and nearly ruined our friendship, continuing the ugly attacks.
Our relationship was in shambles. I regretted the whole thing and we spoke about bettering our communication to avoid such a thing in the future. We were really gonna fix our relationship, and we were all 100% in it. I left cute notes, I made a heart on her wall in her room at her place with post-its. I surprised her with dinners and other things, and tried talking to her about ways we could improve things. At the same time she pulled away from the relationship. I broke back into checking her phone, and found she was flirting with another guy. I was devastated. I had panic attacks during the night, and she'd wake up to me crying uncontrollably, because I was so afraid of losing her, and that I felt I was losing her. She promised she'd be there for me, but she kept up the flirting with this guy. I was absolutely devastated. It was only by the miracle that I pulled myself up by my bootstraps that I saved the whole thing. I met the guy and put him so in place with my brilliant presence, that she never once looked back, one she saw that I was the best guy she'd ever have. But I had to do that. She wasn't there for me when I needed her the most. When she'd asked in the past what she could do to prove she would be there, I said it likely would just come down to her actions. And she now proved she once again wasn't. I was shaken, but I had just had a huge scare of losing her, so we grew tighter. That was the winter 2012.
We grew fonder of each other, loosely discussing our future. We started planning our future apartment, and talked about the time frame involved. I was going through a tough period at my work the last year I had that job, because it kept draining my energy by being too stressful. I'd come home without an energy surplus, and I loved being able to recoup by being with her. She was basically my world, and I was hers. We were happy, despite being a bit less active than we both wanted. I wished to have an energy surplus, so I tried getting back to working out, but I couldn't. I decided to change my job. These changes apparently made my girlfriend uncertain. One day she breaks up with me when we're fighting. I rush down to her place to fight for us to stay together. She says we're not doing enough things together. I plead to her that I know, and that that's why I decided to change jobs. I said it was a very tough time for me, and that I had been so happy to be able to be with her, that she was what kept me happy through that time. There were other well-reflected nuances from her side, like her relying too much on me, since I'm such a strong person and character. She asked for one week to think things through.
I gave her the week, and I showed up at her door with all the signs I could bring that I had reflected upon what she'd said. I bought the biggest bouquet of roses I ever have, and said they were not to mend anything, but instead show that I listened. I had bought a book with a tiny band around it to keep it closed. I suggested a system wherein if the other person had something they wanted to talk about, they'd write it down, and put the band on. We'd keep it a place where we could see that the band was on, so that the other could look to see what the other person wanted to talk about, and decide when they wanted to talk about it. This was all to help her with her defense mechanism; attacking me for any criticism. This along with other small things, to show I noted the small things she said.
She still broke up with me.
We spent some meetings talking through everything. We decided it was for the best. She needed to grow out of her insecurities and find out what she really wanted out of life. Small nuances here, too. She needs that. She hasn't been single since she was 15. That's soon 10 years ago. She was my dream girl in so many ways. The biggest problem was the way she took criticism. We even worked through a lot of that in our post-breakup talks. She allowed me to talk freely of the bullshit she's put me through in our past. She reconciled that with me. It felt great. Like I could leave behind emotional baggage from too many years back. We've probably spoken for 40 hours all combined since the break-up. She broke up in November. Some months ago she regretted the whole thing. She said she'd never find someone as great as me - to her defense, I believe it can be true. Not a discredit to her, much more a credit to myself.
I said I couldn't get back together with her, because she'd finally broken all my trust. I could no longer entrust her with my future. I think it was pretty hard on her. I merely hope now that she's moving forward, finding herself and what she wants to do. Being comfortable with herself. She's had some insecurities, and they ended up hurting me more than I've ever been hurt in my life. She has the right tools. I can only trust her with using them wisely. I have accepted the fact that she ruined my trust by not being there for me when I needed her the most when my job was too hard. I had tried to communicate my hardships with her, but she broke up with me before talking with me about the things she didn't think were right about the relationship. Which was exactly what I feared. Luckily, it didn't end with her cheating on me, which I always feared. So I'm happy for that.
This isn't our time. It's hard. She was my dream girl and we fit so well. However, too many times her insecurities got in the way of our relationship. The energy I've put in mending it, being amenable to fix things so many times, I have done all I can. I hope she grows for the sake of her next relationship. That, or she'll need the comfort of someone, so she'll just find someone new. I'm happy with everything we've had. It's been the best years of my life, but it's over. Now, I'm in a new job, my surplus energy is back, and I'm now done with my first week of P90X3. I've gotten to know a ton of new people, and have met a very cute girl that managed to show me there's a ton of interesting things happening out there. I'm happy to move on. I'm also sad for what's lost, but it is the way it is.
That was probably a lot more than you'd figure I'd reply. It was somewhat cathartic to write it out too, so if you've stayed with me, thank you.
To the other part of your post, I keep my head up high and remind myself, through the toughest of days that she needs to be single. Had this not happened now, we would've broken up when we were 43, having two kids in the mid teens. That would've been much harder. She'd still have had the same insecurities, and her life might've ended up having been miserable from thereon out. I don't wish that, and this is the best timing possible. I've had the most amazing relationship with her. It's run its course. You can lament it, but it is useless. It it was it is. I need to figure out myself, too. I don't think I could've been as happy as I am now if this hadn't happened. I've had to go out there, had to reignited so many things in me. I've found back to my game with girls. I'm also older and more confident. It feels amazing being out with friends and just approaching anyone. She might need a lot of things, but that's also largely irrelevant. I am focusing on myself. She made a mistake and ruined what could've been something amazing. Now I'll focus on being amazing with myself. The future will be whatever it will be, and I will be ready for it.
Life is amazing. This hardship is also a part of the best times of my life, and the best times to come, for to receive agreement is to receive opposition. It is when the going gets tough that the tough gets going. I feel I can do anything, and I am enjoying every moment of it, no matter how hard some days are. Today I look back with fondness at the great things we had. I remember the good instead of instead of being upset. I feel saudade today. But that's good.
It only ever gets better, even if it gets worse. I am ready for it.
I've kept quiet here but I've been seeing a lady friend for the past five weeks or so almost every day since she became single. Great gal, much better fit than my ex in so many ways, but it's too soon for both of us to get into a relationship officially. Even though we kind of already are.
