A Human Becoming
More than a Member
If anyone is available to talk message me. I'm having a mini meltdown.
Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
- Thread starter Bagels
- Start date
- Status
Has anyone PM'd you yet? I have a midterm tmrw but I can stay up a bit longer
EDIT: I will take no PM as a yes then! Hope you feel better fast :/
MisterLuffy
Member
I guess, but sometimes I get insulted for being cheap.
interactivemonodrama
Banned
Glad to know that you are still alive, do not kill yourself.
Usually when I am sad, I go and watch some US Office, and it makes bad moments more bearable for the time being, anyway obviously not sure is the Office your kind of thing, but we all have something which makes us laugh, so watch something what makes you laugh.
Wiki says that insomnia is one of the more common side-effects. Have you discussed this with your doctor?
I mentioned it briefly but I told him I was having trouble sleeping before that so it was kind of just washed over. It is true, it began before the medicine. I believe it may be worse now...more consistent in not being able to sleep .
hgarrett54
Banned
Bejeweled 3 has a nice zen mode in it. Very relaxing.
Failed my midterm today because I can neither
A) Get out of bed at 945 because clearly that's too hard nor
B) Have any kind of drive to do anything, which includes studying, something I usually like.
Ugh. I just wanna graduate, can't fail a class in my last semester -./ why does the worst have to happen NOW.
A) Get out of bed at 945 because clearly that's too hard nor
B) Have any kind of drive to do anything, which includes studying, something I usually like.
Ugh. I just wanna graduate, can't fail a class in my last semester -./ why does the worst have to happen NOW.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
These crappy feelings are so draining. I hate this feeling so much, I just have no stamina for it anymore.
No kidding. Even just trying to relax is exhausting.
I'm so scared of debt. I'm going to be done with school and I'll probably end up having $100k debt minimum. Likely closer to $120k. I'll only be making $55-60k starting my career... Eventually that'll go up to potentially $88k or so but I'm going to have to live like a pauper to pay this shit off. I only have $20k debt right now, but I'm looking at $80k in loans for the professional program I'm likely going to end up in.
Charles Foster Kane
Rosebud
I admire you people willing to talk about your problems and feelings. It's a very difficult thing for me to do. I might type something, but I then feel self conscious and edit it out.
I do that a lot more often than I actually post my feelings. Lots of times I'll type out like 6 paragraphs about shit I'm going through and then I'll just click back to the home page. Sometimes it's therapeutic enough just to get it written down.
Edit: I gotta add another problem - I have a wicked ingrown hair on my chin right now
I'm on it, and it's not really helping things. Made me restless, uninterested, bored.
Man, more and more, I just feel like such an asshole. I've kind of distanced myself from everyone and everything and I just...I don't know what to do with myself any more.
I feel really really adrift. Having what was probably my shittiest birthday ever didn't fucking help things along.
I feel like a real letdown to everyone, especially myself and I'm increasingly toxic to everyone I know. I have no clue what happened to the guy who created this thread and felt so engaged.
It all makes me really, really sad.
I feel really really adrift. Having what was probably my shittiest birthday ever didn't fucking help things along.
I feel like a real letdown to everyone, especially myself and I'm increasingly toxic to everyone I know. I have no clue what happened to the guy who created this thread and felt so engaged.
It all makes me really, really sad.
Eight months of unemployment, and I've had one company interview me. In fact, they interviewed me three times. I thought I was a shoe-in. I'd been feeling so much better about everything because it represented a potentially huge shift in my life. I'd finally, at 29, be able to move out of my mom's house (moved back shortly after graduating from college about four years ago due to lack of employment and loads of debt. Stayed here because it helped me save and pay off my student loans.) and not only that, but I'd finally be leaving Arizona. I've hated it here for about a decade now, but haven't any realistic opportunities to move. My life was going to be better, I knew it would be, but that dream died today when I found out that the position I had been interviewing for had been cancelled. I really want to cry, but I just don't care enough. More than anything I feel dead right now. Completely cold to everything and everyone.
I remember when dreaming about the future was exciting, but the older I get the more times I find myself thinking that maybe the future won't ever be worth trying to reach. My teenage-self probably would kill himself if he knew this is where I'd end up. My current-self won't do that, I know that I can't ever hurt my family that way, but at the same time I feel like giving up on every dream and hope and wish I have left floating around in my head.
Forgive me if this seems like I'm rambling, but I really needed to get this out there, and I really don't have anyone to talk to so honestly.
I remember when dreaming about the future was exciting, but the older I get the more times I find myself thinking that maybe the future won't ever be worth trying to reach. My teenage-self probably would kill himself if he knew this is where I'd end up. My current-self won't do that, I know that I can't ever hurt my family that way, but at the same time I feel like giving up on every dream and hope and wish I have left floating around in my head.
Forgive me if this seems like I'm rambling, but I really needed to get this out there, and I really don't have anyone to talk to so honestly.
I'm getting on a plane in four days to see a specialist. Logistically, this is pretty laughable, given that I can barely get out of bed most of the time. I have no idea how I'm going to pull this off but it was my desperate mom's idea and if it'll get her off my back for a while, I'll take it.
I feel like I'm losing my mind. I laugh. I smile. I tell jokes but inside, I'm dying with each passing day. The drugs have only numbed the pain, not make it go away. I'm disappointing myself, disappointing my friends and am just a gigantic failure. Everyone would be better off with me gone.
I feel like I'm losing my mind. I laugh. I smile. I tell jokes but inside, I'm dying with each passing day. The drugs have only numbed the pain, not make it go away. I'm disappointing myself, disappointing my friends and am just a gigantic failure. Everyone would be better off with me gone.
I wouldn't.
On another note, anxiety.... does it feel to anyone else like it's every fiber of your body trying to rip open? It's so much more of a physical thing to me than a mental thing that it's scary. I lie in bed, trying to relax, but I feel so damn tense and like I want to rip open my skin because it feels about to burst. Like I'm constantly flexing, constantly trying to do something.
EDIT: It's very draining/exhausting. And very, very frustrating, because it makes me feel like I have no control over my own body. Which is scary.
Femmeworth
Banned
At first I thought you were talking about mental illness but now I'm not so sure. Sorry, my curiosity is getting the better of me.
Collete
Member
Oh...No I'm not gay/bi, I didn't mean it like that.
I just meant getting out of my hole everyday to live...and yeah I was born with depression.
I did, for a few months when I started taking meds. Unfortunately I guess my body got used to the meds and the dreams went away and I miss them
Gentle Rodriguez
Member
I just remembered my nightmare again. Of course it had to be another social situation gone wrong, yet again it was about my friends turning against me and not wanting me around anymore. It's silly now I've woken up but I remember feeling like utter shit while sleeping. I've been remembering a dream every night, probably because I'm sleeping too much. Sadly most of them are nightmares, one other one about being in the passenger seat of a car rolling towards death and there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe a metaphor, maybe it's just that I'm extremely self conscious about not having my drivers license yet.
I thought I'd try to do something quasi-useful and discuss my brief time as a smoker.
It's a fitting topic for our mental health thread as this CDC graphic illustrates:
There's a long-standing debate about smoking among the mentally ill, namely whether the higher rates of nicotine use reflect the use of the drug as a form of self medication. I'm tempted to come back to that later, but I'll discuss it up front so you don't have to read everything to get to it. If you take one thing from this post, here it is: tobacco companies have made, and continue to make, an effort to market cigarettes specifically to people with mental illnesses. The research showing that smoking is an effective form of self medication, and efforts to make exceptions to no smoking policies (at hospitals [especially psychiatric hospitals] and other places) are largely funded by cigarette companies. If you need an incentive to quit smoking, consider that the pieces of human garbage who manufacture and sell tobacco products have a long history of preying specifically on the mentally ill. More on that later.
Part 1: My brief time as a smoker
I grew up in a smoking household. My dad quit years ago, but my mom continues to smoke. Smoking was and is ridiculously common in my family, on both sides. Only two of my cousins smoke, as far as I know, but all of my aunts and uncles and grandparents were smokers. Everyone smoked in the house, in the car...most amazing to me is that, when I was 5, you could still smoke on international flights. And my parents did! I vividly recall a stewardess refusing to serve me a Coke, while people all around me puffed away on cigarettes. I guess it was okay because there was a little curtain dividing the smoking and non-smoking sections. That kept the recirculated air nice and clean.
I fucking hate smoking. I didn't try it myself until I was in my 20s. I hated it too much to try it in high school. The few times I did smoke later in life, it was always against a backdrop of being extremely drunk. I'm a social drinker and it turns out I was okay being a social smoker, too. Interestingly, I never really had the huge coughing/vomiting thing that people get when they smoke their first cigarette. Lord knows how many packs I had already vicariously smoked by the time I lit one for myself.
The last time I saw one of my closest friends, the guy we named our son after, we were in Manhattan, right before Thanksgiving, and we spent the night drinking, smoking (he had taken up smoking years earlier), and talking.* After he suddenly and unexpectedly died the following Spring, it became a little ritual of mine to buy a pack of cigarettes each Fall and smoke them and think about what we talked about, and what he means to me. It was never any trouble to start smoking, or to finish the pack and stop. One pack a year.
This past Fall, I found myself really dwelling on his brief life and his death and the sorry state my own life was in. It was warm enough that I could sit on my front stoop in the evening, smoke, and chat with people on mumble. There was something really nice about it. I was doing a lot of writing at the time, including a story about my friend (which really helped me finally come to terms with his passing, incidentally) and I found that smoking put me into some kind of perfect writing mood. My wife and son were away the week I really kind of got into it. I refuse to smoke in front of my kid and my wife absolutely hates my ritual. She hated it even more when she came back, and after another few weeks had passed, woke up one night, came to ask me something, and found that my one pack a year was now one pack a week. That is the most upset she has ever been with me. On the plus side, it made it easy to quit!
It's all especially ridiculous when you consider that my last two research gigs were in a lab studying the receptor that nicotine acts on, and then a stint in a lab specializing in addiction. We all know that smoking is bad for you, but I had spent way more time than most people looking into the fundamental systems that nicotine acts on, on the neurobiology of addiction. I had already read the papers about the tobacco companies marketing cigarettes to the mentally ill. I had a zillion and one reasons not to smoke, and I ended up doing it anyway.
Up next:
Part 2: why is smoking appealing?
Part 3: smoking and the mentally ill
*I'll footnote it here: I spent that Thanksgiving with my aunt and uncle at a dinner hosted by a lady who had survived a Nazi concentration camp.
My grandfather died on Thanksgiving. It was the first real loss I experienced. I remember 17 year old me thinking that Thanksgiving, my grandfather's favorite holiday, couldn't possibly get more intense than that. Oops.
Oddly enough, yes. I love it though. Also Venlafaxine.
BuggyDClown
Member
Yes which is why I have taken up running and working out. It's the only thing other than going out and being with other people that solves it for me. Even if it's temporary.
d'artagnan
Member
The research showing that smoking is an effective form of self medication, and efforts to make exceptions to no smoking policies (at hospitals [especially psychiatric hospitals] and other places) are largely funded by cigarette companies.
I'm spectacularly fucking sceptical and would like to see genuine proof (as opposed to claims by anti-smoking zealots) that the reason many jurisdictions had exceptions to smoking bans for psychiatric hospitals was because of pressure from cigarette companies.
I remember when the smoking ban was first proposed here in Scotland, it was mental health groups acting with widespread support from patients who put forward a lot of testimony to the Scottish Parliament arguing against a ban in psychiatric hospitals and I've yet to come across anyone who is a patient at a psychiatric hospital who supports bans there - and I've spent a total of three years in hospitals as a patient.
In fact, when the local psychiatric hospital closed the smoking rooms there was vigorous opposition from patients (including myself) and we engaged in a letter writing campaign to our elected representatives because NHS Scotland was considering a total ban on smoking anywhere in the grounds of a hospital.
Despite the exception for smoking in enclosed spaces in psychiatric hospitals here in Scotland, the high security State Hospital implemented a total ban including in the grounds. This total ban was successfully challenged by a patient at the State Hospital who managed to convince the highest court in the country that preventing him from even smoking in the hospital grounds was a violation of his human rights.
I've cut most of this to limit my editorializing. Here's my one question for you: I'm personally more skeptical of scientific research backed by monied interests. If the pharmaceutical industry has backed the studies on a drug, it raises alarms. I'd be interested to hear if your skepticism is primarily of anti-smoking groups (who you singled out in your post), or if it applies equally to the tobacco companies as well. I think there's an obvious imbalance in the things that motivate anti-smoking and "smoker's rights" (I'm not sure there are any actively pro-smoking groups, outside of the companies themselves), which influences how I feel about these groups.
I want to go into all of this in more detail in a later post, but here's the short version:
The information on tobacco companies targeting the mentally ill, along with minorities and, most impressive of all, the homeless, comes directly from the tobacco companies themselves. You can look through millions of tobacco industry internal memos here and here. The role of independent scientists and health care professionals here has simply been to look through the documents and read what the tobacco companies themselves were up to.
Here's a paper that discusses documents pertaining to the marketing of tobacco products to the mentally ill and homeless.
Two little examples:
Here are the slides for "Project SCUM," a 1995 RJ Reynolds marketing strategy for San Fransisco which identifies opportunities among "alternative lifestyles" ("Castro/Gay" is helpfully written on the slide - homosexuals are another group that has been aggressively marketed to), and "street people."
Here is a log entry for free cigarettes delivered to mental health services and soup kitchens.
I'll go more into your exact question about smoking in psychiatric centers next time. For now, I just want to be clear that the claim is not that there is overt "pressure" from tobacco companies to allow smoking in psychiatric hospitals. It's tobacco companies a) targeting the mentally ill, b) cultivating relationships with psychiatric centers, patient advocacy groups, and the patients themselves, c) providing misinformation to patients and health care professionals, and then d) using all of this to co-opt otherwise well intentioned efforts to, say, work on smoking cessation in the psychiatric setting.
I do think that simply banning smoking in psychiatric hospitals/units is counter-productive. The unit here, one of the largest, best psych units in the nation, will take you outside to smoke. There's recognition on the clinical side that making someone go cold turkey, on top of the issues that bring them to the hospital, is no good. BUT, the pervasive idea that smoking has a therapeutic effect for the mentally ill is not born out by research that does not originate from the tobacco companies themselves. The dialogue there has been completely dishonest.
One thing to note is the fact that nicotine changes the way that psychiatric drugs are metabolized. Generally, medication levels are unusually low in smokers. If we're all interested in helping people with psychiatric illnesses, and limiting morbidity and mortality in this group, we need to work to get people to stop smoking. And while we're doing so, we need to replace the hand-wavey notion that smoking is somehow good for the mentally ill in some nebulous way with an actual understanding of why this group is so much more likely to be addicted to nicotine than healthy individuals. It's a complete load of bullshit for tobacco companies to target the mentally ill as a lucrative source of new smokers on one hand, and then point to the number of mentally ill people who smoke as some kind of evidence that it must be good for them on the other.
I look forward to our own thoughts - particularly if you'll see what's in the documents for yourself. I'll have a more full discussion coming up.
My fate's been sealed for a long time now, man. It was just a matter of how much pain I was willing to endure. And I'm so goddamned tired. I'm exhausted, my back and shoulders are on fire, I'm nauseated, I'm sweating from head to toe. I'm dizzy. There are electrical jolts running down my legs. I stumbled to the nearest church again and just stood there in the rain, crying, as if divine intervention can heal me.
This specialist trip is a waste of time, because treatment for fibro is the same no matter what doctor you go to. Drugs, drugs and more drugs. Pile on the chemical suppression, pile on the side effects. But when it's done and I've somehow made it back to Seattle, I can at least claim that I tried everything I could.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
Same and I know it's hard on others because sometimes I need to talk/help and other times I just need to vent and hear the words out loud or written out and it helps and lets you things clearer. I definitely write stuff then delete it all and just sum it up as "I feel shitty" or something similar.
This is sort of a problem but my mind is always like this so it's not that I don't want to go to sleep but now it's to the point where I just can't. My body is too tense and mind too rushing to fall asleep and so I feel dreadful because I'm sleep deprived but my body just won't let me fall asleep. I couldn't get more than 3 hours of sleep last night and I tried for 10 hours to sleep. I.miss when I would just sleep through the day in comparison.
I know them feels
And it sucks because I think a relationship would help in some ways but I feel too guilty to actually date. I know I have problems and I'm not sure how to fix them and I feel bad making the other person have to deal with that so I try not to date.Sqrt_minus_one
Member
I have done a lot of what you say and I do genuinely think its possible to come back from such an awful place. Can you take some time off, some time to yourself just not to think or worry about anything. Just to get yourself together.
PM me if you need to talk/rant in private
xenorevlis
Member
Hi everyone. Things have been rather wild and kind of rough at home as I'm suddenly not enrolled at school until next quarter, so I'm also not a student worker, and my car is totaled because a co-worker grabbed the steering wheel from me when I was taking an exit from an expressway as the freeway entrance was jam packed and I couldn't get into the lanes... Pretty scary stuff, although this all comes with semi-good news.
Turns out I was misdiagnosed (twice) as bipolar (1 and 2) and when I went to court, won very easily because the real culprit to my mental issues was sleep deprivation (delirium). In fact, seems to be that due to stunting the development of my mind and body when I was 13 and one sip / one puff of alcohol and cigarettes to fit in with my best friend turned into a week of heavy usage, then 2 weeks of being severely ill and not telling the truth to my family about it. Then high school started... heh. Insomnia + depression were a constant and loss of memory access (early onset of Alzheimer essentially) was what I've been struggling with and what the hemp oil, healthier eating, being active, and demanding a healthier level of communication and respect from my family have been doing for me.
Anyway, I'm currently working on several cases seeking damages from the mental health facility which kept me from properly making a statement with the police, talking to my insurance, affecting my student enrollment in a $100k school program, handling my finances, keeping my job, and the malpractice of certain staff that nearly killed me, did not give me emergency dental leave, stole my personal property, were racist and rude to me and other patients (treating us like criminals), and am part of many several large suits against certain corporations whose medications affected me negatively and essentially enslaved me into a behavioral pattern that could have resulted in a relapse or much worse if I hadn't stopped taking them in April of last year.
Just wanted to check in. I had never been to court in my life until I went and the doctor, who also took an oath, lied through her teeth, claimed I just wanted to "smoke marijuana" which I had never stated, claimed I was ill-equipped to take care of myself, that my family didn't want me to come home, that I had grandiose illusions and mania because I said I have my own business, am working on a game that may end up on SCE platforms, and so on. Her defender and my own agreed, after hearing me on the stand for 5 minutes, that she was full of it.
Thank you all for reading, especially those of you who were challenging the idea of cannabis based medications even working. I'm glad it has helped me, continues to help my grandfather, my sister is now a patient and the only thing I'm really struggling with is that my immediate family all suffer from various levels of anxiety, other types of personality issues, and would rather yell and insult each other (behind each other's backs) and then pretend everything is okay when face-to-face. I've been standing up for myself, demanding respect for myself and my beliefs, and recording some of what has been happening so that even if they continue to try and believe their own lies the videos will show the story as it actually transpired.
Stay strong, my fellow GAF members. If it weren't for this thread (and this forum) a lot of what has helped me to survive these recent events may have never become part of my mental-health survivalist arsenal.
Turns out I was misdiagnosed (twice) as bipolar (1 and 2) and when I went to court, won very easily because the real culprit to my mental issues was sleep deprivation (delirium). In fact, seems to be that due to stunting the development of my mind and body when I was 13 and one sip / one puff of alcohol and cigarettes to fit in with my best friend turned into a week of heavy usage, then 2 weeks of being severely ill and not telling the truth to my family about it. Then high school started... heh. Insomnia + depression were a constant and loss of memory access (early onset of Alzheimer essentially) was what I've been struggling with and what the hemp oil, healthier eating, being active, and demanding a healthier level of communication and respect from my family have been doing for me.
Anyway, I'm currently working on several cases seeking damages from the mental health facility which kept me from properly making a statement with the police, talking to my insurance, affecting my student enrollment in a $100k school program, handling my finances, keeping my job, and the malpractice of certain staff that nearly killed me, did not give me emergency dental leave, stole my personal property, were racist and rude to me and other patients (treating us like criminals), and am part of many several large suits against certain corporations whose medications affected me negatively and essentially enslaved me into a behavioral pattern that could have resulted in a relapse or much worse if I hadn't stopped taking them in April of last year.
Just wanted to check in. I had never been to court in my life until I went and the doctor, who also took an oath, lied through her teeth, claimed I just wanted to "smoke marijuana" which I had never stated, claimed I was ill-equipped to take care of myself, that my family didn't want me to come home, that I had grandiose illusions and mania because I said I have my own business, am working on a game that may end up on SCE platforms, and so on. Her defender and my own agreed, after hearing me on the stand for 5 minutes, that she was full of it.
Thank you all for reading, especially those of you who were challenging the idea of cannabis based medications even working. I'm glad it has helped me, continues to help my grandfather, my sister is now a patient and the only thing I'm really struggling with is that my immediate family all suffer from various levels of anxiety, other types of personality issues, and would rather yell and insult each other (behind each other's backs) and then pretend everything is okay when face-to-face. I've been standing up for myself, demanding respect for myself and my beliefs, and recording some of what has been happening so that even if they continue to try and believe their own lies the videos will show the story as it actually transpired.
Stay strong, my fellow GAF members. If it weren't for this thread (and this forum) a lot of what has helped me to survive these recent events may have never become part of my mental-health survivalist arsenal.
BUNTING1243
Banned
I try to focus on creative interests like writing or doing video stuff or whatever.
Go out and be social even if it's the last thing I want to do then. Having a really great girlfriend has been nice for that (although that'll be over in a few months and I'm mostly just worried about what I'll do then.)
Or just like read or watch good movies or tv. Comedies especially, like Community or old episodes of The Office. Anything to distract my mind really.
wsoxfan1214
Banned
I need to pick your guys' brains about something.
I've been struggling with anxiety attacks since transferring to another college after finishing my AA at a community college for my gen eds. I've been on xanax since to control them, but I still get them and they make me feel like shit.
I recently switched to political science as a major. I was getting ready to head back today and even the thought of being back up there gave me an anxiety attack. I don't get them at home or work, so it has to be something at the school.
I made the call to take the trimester (10 weeks - it isn't a full semester) off to work and sort my shit out before transferring to another school in the fall. I added up the credits and such and I would still be able to complete my polisci degree on time at the school next year even if I don't go. I get 30 credit hours there per year and I only need 26 to finish it next year.
So I based this decision off of:
1) I don't want to feel miserable with anxiety attacks for 11 weeks up there and just "push" through it. I don't want to feel like shit for that long.
2) The anxiety has been fucking my grades a bit (Bs and Cs instead of As and be) and I feel like I would be better off doing this than getting a shit ton of Ws if I can't make it through.
3) It's 10 weeks of classes and is a trimester. I probably wouldn't have done it if it was a 15-16 week semester.
4) I get my money back for this trimester (each week I go, I'd get less back if I decide to leave) and get to work to save money for this fall as well.
5) This school (NIU) is cheaper than mine right now by a couple hundred per term, but has a shit ton of degrees for polisci (5 focuses and a BA/BS for each) whereas my current school only has one. No focuses and only a BA. I chose the school I'm at now over NIU because of Journalism. Which I am no longer doing.
6) By the time I get the refund and work, I'll likely have to borrow way less for fall term and that's less to pay back after graduation next spring.
7) Thanks to the trimester, the time between me falling below half time schooling and starting again in August is less than six months, so my loans won't need to be paid yet. They'll reset the timer once I go back in August.
I was convinced this was the right choice for above reasons. But now that I'm getting anxiety again, I'm worried whether or not I am.
1) I feel like I'm giving up (even though I've been fighting this for 20+ weeks now to try to stay up there).
2) Instead of slaving away at some shitty retail store with a manager I hate, I could be in school. But I also will be making money for next fall and it can't be anywhere near as bad as constant anxiety attacks for 10-11 weeks straight.
3) Living at home again will kinda suck, but that's a small nitpicky thing.
I'm just asking what you guys think. I put everything for both sides of the coin in the post. I THINK taking one off to get my bearings and make money for the fall would be the best choice, but anxiety is clouding my judgment and causing second thoughts again.
I already have a job lined up back home (just transferring back to my old store in the same company) and going back isn't a choice for me. I WILL go back in the fall. I'm not leaving because I don't want to go to school. I do, and that's why I'm frustrated. But health problems and the rest considered, I feel like taking ten weeks off and going in the fall is best. I'll still finish on time and everything.
Anyways, thoughts? Am I making the right choice here? I think I need to sort myself out and everything seems to stay on track if I do take one off.
I've been struggling with anxiety attacks since transferring to another college after finishing my AA at a community college for my gen eds. I've been on xanax since to control them, but I still get them and they make me feel like shit.
I recently switched to political science as a major. I was getting ready to head back today and even the thought of being back up there gave me an anxiety attack. I don't get them at home or work, so it has to be something at the school.
I made the call to take the trimester (10 weeks - it isn't a full semester) off to work and sort my shit out before transferring to another school in the fall. I added up the credits and such and I would still be able to complete my polisci degree on time at the school next year even if I don't go. I get 30 credit hours there per year and I only need 26 to finish it next year.
So I based this decision off of:
1) I don't want to feel miserable with anxiety attacks for 11 weeks up there and just "push" through it. I don't want to feel like shit for that long.
2) The anxiety has been fucking my grades a bit (Bs and Cs instead of As and be) and I feel like I would be better off doing this than getting a shit ton of Ws if I can't make it through.
3) It's 10 weeks of classes and is a trimester. I probably wouldn't have done it if it was a 15-16 week semester.
4) I get my money back for this trimester (each week I go, I'd get less back if I decide to leave) and get to work to save money for this fall as well.
5) This school (NIU) is cheaper than mine right now by a couple hundred per term, but has a shit ton of degrees for polisci (5 focuses and a BA/BS for each) whereas my current school only has one. No focuses and only a BA. I chose the school I'm at now over NIU because of Journalism. Which I am no longer doing.
6) By the time I get the refund and work, I'll likely have to borrow way less for fall term and that's less to pay back after graduation next spring.
7) Thanks to the trimester, the time between me falling below half time schooling and starting again in August is less than six months, so my loans won't need to be paid yet. They'll reset the timer once I go back in August.
I was convinced this was the right choice for above reasons. But now that I'm getting anxiety again, I'm worried whether or not I am.
1) I feel like I'm giving up (even though I've been fighting this for 20+ weeks now to try to stay up there).
2) Instead of slaving away at some shitty retail store with a manager I hate, I could be in school. But I also will be making money for next fall and it can't be anywhere near as bad as constant anxiety attacks for 10-11 weeks straight.
3) Living at home again will kinda suck, but that's a small nitpicky thing.
I'm just asking what you guys think. I put everything for both sides of the coin in the post. I THINK taking one off to get my bearings and make money for the fall would be the best choice, but anxiety is clouding my judgment and causing second thoughts again.
I already have a job lined up back home (just transferring back to my old store in the same company) and going back isn't a choice for me. I WILL go back in the fall. I'm not leaving because I don't want to go to school. I do, and that's why I'm frustrated. But health problems and the rest considered, I feel like taking ten weeks off and going in the fall is best. I'll still finish on time and everything.
Anyways, thoughts? Am I making the right choice here? I think I need to sort myself out and everything seems to stay on track if I do take one off.
Yeah, taking a break from school once in a while is good. I say go for it. I took a while off last year and it helped a lot. I also suffer from terrible anxiety.
Speaking of which, I've been meaning to bring this up. I have trouble sitting in a room full of people. Some days I'm fine, but most of the time, it's...Unbearable. Randomly, out of the blue, I begin to have an attack. It feels like I'm being crushed. I can't breathe, can't think or see straight, I start sweating, shaking, every little noise seems much louder than it actually is...Whenever it happens, I essentially have to get the fuck out ASAP, and can't go back. It happened last week and I haven't gone to school since. I've been on Cipralex for over a year, but it doesn't seem to help. Bleh.
Speaking of which, I've been meaning to bring this up. I have trouble sitting in a room full of people. Some days I'm fine, but most of the time, it's...Unbearable. Randomly, out of the blue, I begin to have an attack. It feels like I'm being crushed. I can't breathe, can't think or see straight, I start sweating, shaking, every little noise seems much louder than it actually is...Whenever it happens, I essentially have to get the fuck out ASAP, and can't go back. It happened last week and I haven't gone to school since. I've been on Cipralex for over a year, but it doesn't seem to help. Bleh.
I guess this isn't going away any time soon. Having one of my more lengthy down spells, and it just makes me feel really numb to the more positive parts of life. To the point that the very sparse positive things that do come my way will get very little, in the way of an emotional reaction. I guess it doesn't really matter much though. Even if I were to be performing at my very best, I would still be providing the world a grand total of fuck all. There is absolutely nothing about this awkward, loathed chap that is beyond the level of mediocrity to apply to anything. A life without purpose, is no life at all.
Despite your scepticism about the trip, I hope it does end up being beneficial in some way. The fact that you're still not giving up is good to see. In a situation were others may not have been as persistent to try again. Best of luck to you man, I truly mean that.
Yep, sounds pretty familiar. In any type of setting were I'm in a room surrounded by people, I will be really tense for the rest of the time I have to be there. And the fact that I'm so overwhelmed by it, it will be the main thing constantly racing through my mind. Which makes me even more socially incompetent than usual, if I have to speak to anybody. Emphasis on "have" as I generally don't want to talk to anyone when this happens. The only thing I will want to do is go back home, where it's safe again. Never actually get anxiety attacks like you describe though. I think it's because I know if I meltdown, it brings more unwanted attention to myself, and that is the last thing I want.
Despite your scepticism about the trip, I hope it does end up being beneficial in some way. The fact that you're still not giving up is good to see. In a situation were others may not have been as persistent to try again. Best of luck to you man, I truly mean that.
Yep, sounds pretty familiar. In any type of setting were I'm in a room surrounded by people, I will be really tense for the rest of the time I have to be there. And the fact that I'm so overwhelmed by it, it will be the main thing constantly racing through my mind. Which makes me even more socially incompetent than usual, if I have to speak to anybody. Emphasis on "have" as I generally don't want to talk to anyone when this happens. The only thing I will want to do is go back home, where it's safe again. Never actually get anxiety attacks like you describe though. I think it's because I know if I meltdown, it brings more unwanted attention to myself, and that is the last thing I want.
MisterLuffy
Member
I made a thread on MAL(myanimelist) about needing help from people from there if they know any good sources on anime because I'm going to write a research paper on it. I also added on what I wanted to write about, and one replied stating that pick one thing to talk about and not making it into a "fucking garbage". Just reading that part made me delete the thread. I was pissed and upset because I knew that I'm going to get negative replies and that was one of it. Just one negative comment will make me delete the thread because of how stupid it would be to ask people for help. I hate that people think they know so much about anime that that a person like that guy who replied thinks my paper would turn out garbage.
It's like everything I say turns out stupid, this is the reason why I stay quiet in group activities or I barely reply to threads. I will start writing my research paper probably next month, but I lost my motivation from that one reply. I shed tears because of the fact that I'm an idiot and my thoughts are stupid. Negative comments and insults gets the best of me.
It's like everything I say turns out stupid, this is the reason why I stay quiet in group activities or I barely reply to threads. I will start writing my research paper probably next month, but I lost my motivation from that one reply. I shed tears because of the fact that I'm an idiot and my thoughts are stupid. Negative comments and insults gets the best of me.
Femmeworth
Banned
You are better off asking in the anime thread here, there are a few knowledgeable people in there. Jexhius is one person to talk to.
MisterLuffy
Member
Do you guys know what anime thread I should go to? It's just, I don't want to get spoiled on animes I'm watching or going to watch.
Suffering from crippling anxiety lately. Here at work and the fact that it's dead isn't helping. It's been going on for these past few days. Last night I stepped out to smoke a cigarette and it calmed my nerves so much and I had a great nights rest.
It's part relationship related and job related. Really don't have many friends outside drinking buddies to talk to about things like this. The most I'd get would be "man up." I've tried getting out of the house but it's not really doing me much. I can't really enjoy my time out lately without feeling anxious or down in the dumps.
It's part relationship related and job related. Really don't have many friends outside drinking buddies to talk to about things like this. The most I'd get would be "man up." I've tried getting out of the house but it's not really doing me much. I can't really enjoy my time out lately without feeling anxious or down in the dumps.
spacehippo
Neo Member
Hi there.
Hold on as best you can. Try and keep busy with whatever tasks you can at work, any kind of distraction can help with anxiety. Have you thought about medication? that may help somewhat.
Try not to think of it as "Man up" Thinking like that is rarely beneficial.
What is it about your job/relationship that causes anxiety?
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