Support NeoGAF

[Vigilant Walrus]

Interesting developments with Tinder girl experiment.

Around 20:00 pm, she sends a text basically repeating what she said at 5 am. "sorry I had to leave. next time it should just be us too, so my drunk sister wont make me leave".

I write back, "no worries, it was also 3 am when I arrived. that was pretty late. maybe we should eat together next time we see each other?"

she replies back a few hours later "hehe yeah, it was pretty late it sounds like a good idea to eat together next time. lets do it"


That's interesting, so even though I was ungroomed, undressed she did not seem to leave because of me. that's cool. Maybe I should write her back tomorrow and suggest a time?

What I would prefer to do, is to eat at either mine or hers place. I love getting to know people when we are cooking because we are doing something together, and when we do things together i think it's easier to create bonds! I wonder if she will be in to that. I am a decent chef, when it comes to asian foods. I just tend to make it too spicy. But mostly, I feel irrationally confident in a kitchen (usually) because its fun, creative and exciting and making fun for other people is so much more fun than making food for myself.

 

[Septimius]

Interesting developments with Tinder girl experiment.

Around 20:00 pm, she sends a text basically repeating what she said at 5 am. "sorry I had to leave. next time it should just be us too, so my drunk sister wont make me leave".

I write back, "no worries, it was also 3 am when I arrived. that was pretty late. maybe we should eat together next time we see each other?"

she replies back a few hours later "hehe yeah, it was pretty late it sounds like a good idea to eat together next time. lets do it"


That's interesting, so even though I was ungroomed, undressed she did not seem to leave because of me. that's cool. Maybe I should write her back tomorrow and suggest a time?

What I would prefer to do, is to eat at either mine or hers place. I love getting to know people when we are cooking because we are doing something together, and when we do things together i think it's easier to create bonds! I wonder if she will be in to that. I am a decent chef, when it comes to asian foods. I just tend to make it too spicy. But mostly, I feel irrationally confident in a kitchen (usually) because its fun, creative and exciting and making fun for other people is so much more fun than making food for myself.

That's fantastic! I'm sure you're happy you listened to us when we said 'just go'? That's just great to hear!

I think if you're going for the 'at someone's place' option, definitely be the one to invite her to your place. She contacted you now, so I think it's completely up to you what you feel natural about contacting her about it. If you want to do that tomorrow, then do that. She clearly wishes to get to know you better, so there's nothing to worry about.

It sounds like a great idea to invite her over to your place. I'd only recommend downplaying as much as you can when you talk about it, so it doesn't come across as a type of "come home to my place "-thing. Instead maybe say something like "I'd take you out to a restaurant, but they just can't make food as good as I do, so why don't we take it at my place?"

Sounds like you're handling the situation masterfully, though

 

[Vigilant Walrus]

That's fantastic! I'm sure you're happy you listened to us when we said 'just go'? That's just great to hear!

I think if you're going for the 'at someone's place' option, definitely be the one to invite her to your place. She contacted you now, so I think it's completely up to you what you feel natural about contacting her about it. If you want to do that tomorrow, then do that. She clearly wishes to get to know you better, so there's nothing to worry about.

It sounds like a great idea to invite her over to your place. I'd only recommend downplaying as much as you can when you talk about it, so it doesn't come across as a type of "come home to my place "-thing. Instead maybe say something like "I'd take you out to a restaurant, but they just can't make food as good as I do, so why don't we take it at my place?"

Sounds like you're handling the situation masterfully, though

Thanks Septimius. And yes, I am glad you guys told me to do it!. I will report back what I learn from this experience.


I tell myself that I am just experimenting. I miss my ex so much. I am so close to calling her every day, but if I really love her, I have to leave her alone and let her go her own way. It messes with me! One day at a time!

 

[The Artful Dodger]

Thanks Septimius. And yes, I am glad you guys told me to do it!. I will report back what I learn from this experience.


I tell myself that I am just experimenting. I miss my ex so much. I am so close to calling her every day, but if I really love her, I have to leave her alone and let her go her own way. It messes with me! One day at a time!

Lol, it's the way to go man. There is no "catch all" to meeting people. Just keep doin' you, and give people the opportunities to see your virtues.

Congrats, I'm happy it's working out for you.

 

[Septimius]

Thanks Septimius. And yes, I am glad you guys told me to do it!. I will report back what I learn from this experience.


I tell myself that I am just experimenting. I miss my ex so much. I am so close to calling her every day, but if I really love her, I have to leave her alone and let her go her own way. It messes with me! One day at a time!

Did you tell about this earlier in the thread? I'll go back and remind myself, in that case. I know how you feel. I miss my ex a ton, too. Continue experimenting, though. Remember that you're in control, and that you don't have to rush into something you're not ready for. I faced that some weeks back. I think I wrote a post about it. I found myself in a situation where I could've kissed a girl, but my mind was not ready to take the step, so I instead retreated and worked it out in my mind over the next few days. That actually liberated me a lot from the missing of my ex.

But, to me, it's like, if we're meant to be, we'll find each other one day. Meanwhile, I know I have to get over this missing, as true love doesn't fade just because you don't miss them every day. I think of it as a way to overcome a type of addiction. Only when I am completely free of it, can I judge whether I'd like to have it in my life.

 

[DoktorEvil]

Haha, yeah, that's an obvious sign. Usually when a girl "complains" about being single or something odd (ex. having too many friends) its because she wants the guy to make a move. Some of my greatest hits which I did deliberately (to the best of my memory)...

Her: Hey, um, do you have any friends you can hook me up with?
Me: Eh, sorry, I don't know any brown guys (she's brown)
Her: Dumbass, I like also like white guys who are European *looks at me*
Me: Yeah, don't know any *shrugs*

Her: Your hairstyle reminds me of Justin Bieber
Me: Orly?
Her: Yeah...*pauses*...he's good looking
Me: Agreed. I'd tap that.

Her: Hey, wanna go to this singles event?
Me: Sure.
Her: Wait...but only two of us are going. Um...
(She's obviously waiting for me to say that I want it that way, otherwise it would seem like she's trying to secretly setup a date).
Me: Yeah, you're right. I'll call the rest of the group.

I have many more but I just can't remember them. They were all done to the same girl, lol. She's actually really hot but I was doing my best to disinterest her because she reallllllllly wasn't a good fit for me (I succeeded).

This is where a Nietzsche quote comes in handy:

Amor fati:

My formula for greatness in a human being is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it—all idealism is mendacity in the face of what is necessary—but love it​

It is the fact that you didn't understand that back in 2006 that has made it possible for you to be with your girl now. You might've ruined things if you did pick up on it then, and you might not have gotten a second chance. Maybe she wouldn't have been able to properly handle the relationship back then? It is impossible to say how things would've gone then, but what you do know now, is that you are where you want to be. You are with the person you want to be with. Maybe she liked you more for you not just being all over her at the first sign that she could've dated you? So don't wish for it to be different backwards; not in all eternity. Don't conceal your flaws, but love them, for it is the fact that you had a flaw that means you are the person you are today.



I remember my first girlfriend. We had just gotten to know each other. She was shy, but confident. We were speaking on MSN back when V for Vendetta came out. I picked up her hints right away, but I teasingly refused to act on them. It went something like this:

Me: Man, V for Vendetta is such a good movie.
Her: Yeah, I've really been wanting to see that!
Me: It's so good I wouldn't mind seeing it again, actually.
Her: I was gonna see it with <her best friend>, but she couldn't the day we were gonna see it
Me: Aw, that's a bummer.
Her: So that means I could need someone to watch it with..
Me: That shouldn't be a problem, though.
Her: Yeah, so...
Me: Hmm? Are you trying to say something?
Her: I.. yeah
Me: What is it?
Her: Aargh!
Her: Would you like to see it with me?
Me: Yeah, I'd really like that


I vividly remember the situation, but don't remember the wordy details. I remember it as her hints being extremely obvious, but me just teasing her, refusing to pick up on them. It worked out great, though, so despite it seeming a bit dickish, you might have to be a bit of a hard-ass sometimes to distinguish yourself from guys that will pounce at an opportunity like that. Important to notice that we also had rapport that allowed for such a thing. Man, she was kind of great. We had spoken and agreed that we'd have sex (both virgins) a day she was coming over, so we knew what was gonna happen. She brought Sin City, because she knew how hot I thought Jessica Alba was in that movie. I always thought that was awesome.

When the conversations flow like that, picking up those subtle flirty hints are easy. It's not as easy when body language is a thing, and I'm the most fucking oblivious male in the western world.

GAF, why do I suck at reading body language?

 

[Minamu]

Have you read anything about body language and how interest is usually shown? Should make it easier to spot if you know what to look for

 

[Septimius]

When the conversations flow like that, picking up those subtle flirty hints are easy. It's not as easy when body language is a thing, and I'm the most fucking oblivious male in the western world.

GAF, why do I suck at reading body language?

Hmm. Maybe you get caught up in thinking about it? Or that you're otherwise preoccupied or nervous in situations where you'd like to read body language better? I wouldn't suggest you're a psychopath or autistic, so I'm gonna assume all cognitive functions allocated to perceive body language is in place.

Sure, you could read up on it, but it's the type of thing that works best when you don't have to interfere. Read up on it, notice it in other people, get some practice, then relax

 

[electricshake]

That may have been a factor. Girls (and guys, but no one will ever admit this XD) generally assume grooming, dressing up and exposed piercings/tattoos are DTF signals. Like, you take so much care of yourself because "it's always on". She may have taken your looks as you being cautious in evaluating her or just uninterested in a one night stand, which I think is what was going on here.

Going to have to disagree with this. I've never assumed someone is interested in a one night stand just because of what they are wearing or the fact you can see piercings or tattoos. Plenty of people take pride in their appearance, and rightly so, but that doesn't mean they want a quick shag. Seems like a very judgemental attitude to have. I get dressed up for nights out, and have a visible piercing, but this does not make me 'DTF'.

 

[Septimius]

Going to have to disagree with this. I've never assumed someone is interested in a one night stand just because of what they are wearing or the fact you can see piercings or tattoos. Plenty of people take pride in their appearance, and rightly so, but that doesn't mean they want a quick shag. Seems like a very judgemental attitude to have. I get dressed up for nights out, and have a visible piercing, but this does not make me 'DTF'.

Totally agree. Especially when going out. I enjoy getting prepared, too. I like to feel comfortable, groomed and wear an outfit that's coordinated. It can be a zipper-hoodie and a t-shirt, but I still pick out the right colors and a cool motive to show through the not-all-the-way-zipped-up-hoodie. And shoes! (I have way too many shoes). If I met someone that was generally ungroomed going out to a club, I would've figured "he didn't care to put any effort into it, so maybe this isn't the main part of his night", but that being any indicator on their wish to sleep with someone?

However, it can certainly be an indicator as to how someone has perceived a situation. Back with my ex, with all the shit that happened four years ago, for those who read the story, she was talking to a guy. I told her that she was wrongfully leading this guy on. She was saying that it should be obvious that she just wanted to be his friend, to which I replied she should've acted differently to show. One day, she had invited him over to see a movie. I was there. That's the night I could conclusively show her that he thought something more was going on. He showed up with a button-up, groomed hair and cologne. I told her the meaning behind a phrase me and a friend was using; "he came ready". In all fairness, she had a talk with him after that.

But I think the key here is overdressing. If you put more effort into meeting someone for coffee, as an example, it might be an indicator that you're thinking the situation is different from the person. However, if you go out, it is much less about who you are meeting, and much more about how you feel, yourself.

 

[drkOne]

Dated this girl for a month, I was always upfront about taking things slowly because I don't easily trust people with my feelings.
We ended up drifting apart because of texting, she never tried to clear up the air between us.

I texted her a couple days ago, asked how she was. At some point she told me rather aggressively that she didn't consider our relationship serious at the time we started growing distant. We had kissed and all the time we spent together alone was really intimate.

I explained to her what a casual relationship was to me, and that I wouldn't do that to her. Asked her if I was wrong for respecting the friendship enough to not ruin it unless I was looking for something romantic.
She backed out and said no.

Am I wrong, GAF? :/

 

[Septimius]

Dated this girl for a month, I was always upfront about taking things slowly because I don't easily trust people with my feelings.
We ended up drifting apart because of texting, she never tried to clear up the air between us.

I texted her a couple days ago, asked how she was. At some point she told me rather aggressively that she didn't consider our relationship serious at the time we started growing distant. We had kissed and all the time we spent together alone was really intimate.

I explained to her what a casual relationship was to me, and that I wouldn't do that to her. Asked her if I was wrong for respecting the friendship enough to not ruin it unless I was looking for something romantic.
She backed out and said no.

Am I wrong, GAF? :/

I'm just trying to clear things a bit. How did you grow distant due to texting? You said she didn't clear the air between you. What should she have cleared? And then, when you hadn't really spoken, you asked her how she was? I can see that it can be frustrating for her if she's been wanting to hear from you, but you've just said you want to take it slow, and then casually coming in with a "hey, how are you?" when she's been upset that you haven't contacted her. Then it seems you said "but I want things to be casual"? The timeline here is fuzzy.

Then you told her you weren't looking for something romantic?

Seems you might've hurt her feelings because you were afraid of getting yours hurt.

 

[grap3fruitman]

My OKC profile has slowed to a standstill. Now what?

 

[DoktorEvil]

Hmm. Maybe you get caught up in thinking about it? Or that you're otherwise preoccupied or nervous in situations where you'd like to read body language better? I wouldn't suggest you're a psychopath or autistic, so I'm gonna assume all cognitive functions allocated to perceive body language is in place.

Sure, you could read up on it, but it's the type of thing that works best when you don't have to interfere. Read up on it, notice it in other people, get some practice, then relax

I have a bad habit of over thinking everything, from what to eat to how I should open a conversation, so you're not far off.

I can't say im TOTALLY oblivious, but I know I don't pick up on the subtle things that are often mentioned as flirting, like twirling hair, or the touch and giggle, or her sticking her chest out.

I really don't want to read up on it, because I don't think reading about it would solve the problem. I have to be put into more situations where I have to read in between the lines. I need more female friends.

 

[drkOne]

I'm just trying to clear things a bit. How did you grow distant due to texting? You said she didn't clear the air between you. What should she have cleared? And then, when you hadn't really spoken, you asked her how she was? I can see that it can be frustrating for her if she's been wanting to hear from you, but you've just said you want to take it slow, and then casually coming in with a "hey, how are you?" when she's been upset that you haven't contacted her. Then it seems you said "but I want things to be casual"? The timeline here is fuzzy.

Then you told her you weren't looking for something romantic?

Seems you might've hurt her feelings because you were afraid of getting yours hurt.

Her parents were over for 3 weeks in August. We just texted during that time.

We had a minor misunderstanding, I told her I didn't want to talk about it over text. It was nothing big, we have a friend in common which is quite close to both. She asked me not to tell her friend we had kissed.
Said friend complained to me there was something we weren't telling her. I think they had some issues in the past with something similar, and I didn't want to be around any drama.
Her friend is still mad at her because she just pretended that nothing happened.

She felt I was growing distant because of that I guess, I never understood.
We were together after that and she was just cold. At that point she didn't even let me hold her had anymore, and I don't think she ever understood the kind of message she was giving with that.

I kept trying to be with her, chill and clear the air. She kept dodging it with excuses. Out of sight, out of mind. I realised I'd probably never see her again. Eventually we stopped texting.

Now she told me we were already distant when her parents left, after telling her I had a shitty semester and that she never even realised how much I needed her friendship at the time.

The way she phrased it she made me believe I was wrong for knowing what I wanted before kissing her.
I wasn't going to ruin the friendship with some casual relationship that would eventually end. She made it sound like she didn't care that much.

I'm just curious about everyone else's opinion on it. I don't kiss someone unless I want something casual or romantic. If there's a friendship I don't ruin it with something casual.
Is that wrong?

 

[Septimius]

My OKC profile has slowed to a standstill. Now what?

Get proactive any way you can

I have a bad habit of over thinking everything, from what to eat to how I should open a conversation, so you're not far off.

I can't say im TOTALLY oblivious, but I know I don't pick up on the subtle things that are often mentioned as flirting, like twirling hair, or the touch and giggle, or her sticking her chest out.

I really don't want to read up on it, because I don't think reading about it would solve the problem. I have to be put into more situations where I have to read in between the lines. I need more female friends.

Yeah, I have no idea how I read body language. I just do, you know? I would never think anything about twirling of the hair, or anything. I just trust that I pick up on the message. And I think I do.

Her parents were over for 3 weeks in August. We just texted during that time.

We had a minor misunderstanding, I told her I didn't want to talk about it over text. It was nothing big, we have a friend in common which is quite close to both. She asked me not to tell her friend we had kissed.
Said friend complained to me there was something we weren't telling her. I think they had some issues in the past with something similar, and I didn't want to be around any drama.
Her friend is still mad at her because she never talked to her about it.

She felt I was growing distant because of that I guess, I never understood.
We were together after that and she was just cold. At that point she didn't even let me hold her had anymore, and I don't think she ever understood the kind of message she was giving with that.

I kept trying to be with her, chill and clear the air. She kept dodging it with excuses. Out of sight, out of mind. I realised I'd probably never see her again. Eventually we stopped texting.

Now she told me we were already distant when her parents left, after telling her I had a shitty semester and that she never even realised how much I needed her friendship at the time.

The way she phrased it she made me believe I was wrong for knowing what I wanted before kissing her.
I wasn't going to ruin the friendship with some casual relationship that would eventually end. She made it sound like she didn't care that much.

I'm just curious about everyone else's opinion on it. I don't kiss someone unless I want something casual or romantic. If there's a friendship I don't ruin it with something casual.
Is that wrong?

Seems I completely misunderstood the situation. Thanks for clearing it up.

That sounds completely reasonable. There absolutely is no reason to risk a friendship over something you'd consider casual. I'm still a bit iffy on things. Here's how I understood it:

Her parents visited for three weeks, which meant you didn't see each other for the whole duration of their stay. Why not? You only texted. She'd asked you not to tell her friend that you had kissed - was this what the misunderstanding was about? So, you don't want to talk about it over text, and you text less while her parents are there. When they left, and you hanged out, things were different. She was cold.

She didn't like the fact that you were serious about it from before you kissed, is that what you were saying?

Ok, so, it sounds like things didn't work out. The three week period took its toll, and the misunderstanding meant you grew apart when her parents were there. After that, she handled it rather poorly, but not being straight with you, and saying things that hurt you. That's not nice. Without knowing more, it's hard to judge, but perhaps you should've been more proactive in the misunderstanding-phase? If you just distanced yourself because there was some drama you didn't want to be caught up in, to not talk about it over text, she might've been upset.

 

[Minamu]

My OKC profile has slowed to a standstill. Now what?

Expand to nearby cities and/or loosen your age criteria. That's what I usually do. Or take a break for a while and come back with renewed interest and excitement.

 

[vicissitudes]

My OKC profile has slowed to a standstill. Now what?

It's because you've stopped showing up in searches. I think stn mentioned this earlier - answer 10 questions a day, every day, then when you've answered a ton of them, wipe them all and repeat. Takes 2 minutes a day to do and will ensure you keep showing up in lots of searches.

 

[hipgnosis]

So the girl I'm seeing says she doesn't want to stay exclusive at this point, she has issues with commitment because of a break-up. It's a weird situation and I don't think this has much of a future. Basically we are seeing but I can do whatever I want. I didn't actually ask anything, she just brought it up.

Went to a bar on saturday. Lots of girls were showing interest and two different girls even proposed to spend the night together. Grabbed the other girls number and agreed to see her sometime.

The good thing is I have lots of game and meeting girls has never been an issue. I'm also constantly going between girls. I have this weird thing that I can't be alone. I need to have something going on to feel complete.

 

[stn]

Yup, agree with the above! My "visitors" on OKC dropped from 100+ to 70-ish in the last few days because I stopped answering questions (care cup is empty at the moment because of other things). Answer a few questions, give detailed explanations. Leave the site for a few hours. Rinse and repeat.

 

[dietertong]

Yup, agree with the above! My "visitors" on OKC dropped from 100+ to 70-ish in the last few days because I stopped answering questions (care cup is empty at the moment because of other things). Answer a few questions, give detailed explanations. Leave the site for a few hours. Rinse and repeat.

Wait wait, that's how many visitors you've had or how many searches you've appeared in? Cause if that's how many visitors.....that's impressive!

 

[stn]

Yup, its the amount of visitors. I have no idea how many times I've appeared in the search, I don't even think there's a way to find out.

 

[dietertong]

Yup, its the amount of visitors. I have no idea how many times I've appeared in the search, I don't even think there's a way to find out.

I know in the OKC app you can go to your profile, and on your display pic there will be an overlay of "Shown in x search results in the last 24 hours"

I've only had 22 in like a week in a half :-/

Wait you're a dude right? Lol

 

[TheExodu5]

So the girlfriend's birthday is coming up in a month. I would really like to take her on a trip.

Just a few snags:

1) I'm not sure how I go about it. I could surprise her, but I don't want to presume that she'll just leave everything and go on a trip at the drop of a hat. Maybe I should print out some "tickets" for a weekend getaway and give it to her for her birthday?

2) It's in early-mid April, which isn't exactly the greatest time of the year in Canada. I think I'd want to choose a destination with an assortment of things to do in case the weather doesn't play nice. She loves the outdoors...though a place with some backup museums or cultural landmarks wouldn't be too bad. I'm in Ottawa, so the best options are probably around Montreal and Quebec City, though if I can even find a little town with some tourist attractions, a bed and breakfast (or hotel), and some outdoor trails that would fit the bill.

Any advice on either front?

edit: it'll be 3 months into the relationship, but I think the time is right. Plus, she loves to travel so I don't think there's anything she'd like more for her birthday. Alternatively, if I wanted to keep it more low key, I could just make her a nice dinner, her favorite dessert, and take her out to a comedy show.

 

[vicissitudes]

I know in the OKC app you can go to your profile, and on your display pic there will be an overlay of "Shown in x search results in the last 24 hours"

I've only had 22 in like a week in a half :-/

Wait you're a dude right? Lol

Yeah it shows in the upper-right corner how many searches you've appeared in the past 24 hours. I usually get around 20-25 in the past 24 hours but after I answer a few questions and wait a day it'll jump up to about 200-300.

 

[grap3fruitman]

"Shown in x search results in the last 24 hours"

818

 

[stn]

@deitertong

Yeah, lol, I'm a guy. My only advice is put up your best pic, put in a good joke or something witty in every section of your profile, and go answer questions. Also, I tend to avoid making lists on my profile. If a question is "state your favorite book?" I won't just go and state it, most people do that already.

 

[Minus_Me]

So the girlfriend's birthday is coming up in a month. I would really like to take her on a trip.

Just a few snags:

1) I'm not sure how I go about it. I could surprise her, but I don't want to presume that she'll just leave everything and go on a trip at the drop of a hat. Maybe I should print out some "tickets" for a weekend getaway and give it to her for her birthday?

2) It's in early-mid April, which isn't exactly the greatest time of the year in Canada. I think I'd want to choose a destination with an assortment of things to do in case the weather doesn't play nice. She loves the outdoors...though a place with some backup museums or cultural landmarks wouldn't be too bad. I'm in Ottawa, so the best options are probably around Montreal and Quebec City, though if I can even find a little town with some tourist attractions, a bed and breakfast (or hotel), and some outdoor trails that would fit the bill.

Any advice on either front?

edit: it'll be 3 months into the relationship, but I think the time is right. Plus, she loves to travel so I don't think there's anything she'd like more for her birthday. Alternatively, if I wanted to keep it more low key, I could just make her a nice dinner, her favorite dessert, and take her out to a comedy show.

I would check out the Mont Tremblant area of Quebec. Very nice little towns like LaBelle and of course Parc National du Mont Tremblant.

http://www.tremblant.ca/fr/

 

[Septimius]

So the girlfriend's birthday is coming up in a month. I would really like to take her on a trip.

Just a few snags:

1) I'm not sure how I go about it. I could surprise her, but I don't want to presume that she'll just leave everything and go on a trip at the drop of a hat. Maybe I should print out some "tickets" for a weekend getaway and give it to her for her birthday?

edit: it'll be 3 months into the relationship, but I think the time is right. Plus, she loves to travel so I don't think there's anything she'd like more for her birthday. Alternatively, if I wanted to keep it more low key, I could just make her a nice dinner, her favorite dessert, and take her out to a comedy show.

You could give her "tickets", stating like "for one trip for the two of us to <a place you picked out> at a date that suits you", so that you avoid any schedule-clashes, and give it to her over a nice dinner with her favorite dessert (it's you, isn't it. You old sailor, you!). I'm sure she'd really like that.

 

[TheExodu5]

Septimus, I like it!

I would check out the
Mont Tremblant area of Quebec. Very nice little towns like LaBelle and of course Parc National du Mont Tremblant.

http://www.tremblant.ca/fr/

Yeah I was considering this. I wonder how it is in April. They don't really mention any outdoor activities but I assume there must be some trails in the area?

 

[Minus_Me]

Yeah I was considering this. I wonder how it is in April. They don't really mention any outdoor activities but I assume there must be some trails in the area?

There's some amazing snow shoe trails, but I've never been in April actually. You'd have to do some research for that time of year. Sorry I hadn't noticed the April timeframe, my mistake.

 

[drkOne]

Seems I completely misunderstood the situation. Thanks for clearing it up.

That sounds completely reasonable. There absolutely is no reason to risk a friendship over something you'd consider casual. I'm still a bit iffy on things. Here's how I understood it:

Her parents visited for three weeks, which meant you didn't see each other for the whole duration of their stay. Why not? You only texted. She'd asked you not to tell her friend that you had kissed - was this what the misunderstanding was about? So, you don't want to talk about it over text, and you text less while her parents are there. When they left, and you hanged out, things were different. She was cold.

She didn't like the fact that you were serious about it from before you kissed, is that what you were saying?

Ok, so, it sounds like things didn't work out. The three week period took its toll, and the misunderstanding meant you grew apart when her parents were there. After that, she handled it rather poorly, but not being straight with you, and saying things that hurt you. That's not nice. Without knowing more, it's hard to judge, but perhaps you should've been more proactive in the misunderstanding-phase? If you just distanced yourself because there was some drama you didn't want to be caught up in, to not talk about it over text, she might've been upset.

She worked the whole Summer, and the free time she had she spent it with her parents. I had no problem with that. I was glad that they were able to come, since she was really anxious and uncertain they wouldn't.
I was the first to mention she wouldn't have time for me during those 3 weeks, and that I wanted to spend some time with her before that. We had a really good time together that day.

One day I probably said something that suggested we were getting close, in a non direct way. Her friend told me, in a sort of disappointed tone, that there was something I wasn't telling her. I probably laughed or smiled and dodged the question.
I told her I wanted to talk to her personally, that I'd rather spend 5 minutes talking than trying to talk throught texts and she sort of ignored it. Apparently she thought I was mad or whatever.
I can't say we recovered from that. I ended up finding out some of my longer messages weren't delivered. I kept telling her texting was dangerous, and that I wanted to be with her because I missed her.

She pretty much told me it was too soon to think about something serious. I was always clear I was tired of casual relationships and that I would rather be alone.
I think she just misunderstood me, since after explaining why I wouldn't have something casual with her, and asked her if there was something wrong with that, she said no.

I'm sure she wanted to talk about stuff over text, but I didn't, I told her we'd talk when we were together and that there was no hurry.
We kept texting daily. I always told her if she thought I was a bit more distant was because of my personal shit I had to deal with.

 

[Septimius]

She worked the whole Summer, and the free time she had she spent it with her parents. I had no problem with that. I was glad that they were able to come, since she was really anxious and uncertain they wouldn't.
I was the first to mention she wouldn't have time for me during those 3 weeks, and that I wanted to spend some time with her before that. We had a really good time together that day.

One day I probably said something that suggested we were getting close, in a non direct way. Her friend told me, in a sort of disappointed tone, that there was something I wasn't telling her. I probably laughed or smiled and dodged the question.
I told her I wanted to talk to her personally, that I'd rather spend 5 minutes talking than trying to talk throught texts and she sort of ignored it. Apparently she thought I was mad or whatever.
I can't say we recovered from that. I ended up finding out some of my longer messages weren't delivered. I kept telling her texting was dangerous, and that I wanted to be with her because I missed her.

She pretty much told me it was too soon to think about something serious. I was always clear I was tired of casual relationships and that I would rather be alone.
I think she just misunderstood me, since after explaining why I wouldn't have something casual with her, and asked her if there was something wrong with that, she said no.

I'm sure she wanted to talk about stuff over text, but I didn't, I told her we'd talk when we were together and that there was no hurry.
We kept texting daily. I always told her if she thought I was a bit more distant was because of my personal shit I had to deal with.

See, now we're getting some meat on the bones Now I get the picture.

It seems she's struggling with her own emotional baggage. I get the feeling you said something about what that was, but I can't find it in your posts, now. What I'd do in your situation is think about what I could've done better. I'm gonna be upfront about this, too; you did more right than she did. But it's easy to just go "well, I wasn't the one that was worst, so I'm just gonna lament her for it".

It's very, very understandable that you don't want to take things over texts. But you can't postpone talking about something important for three weeks. You should've called her and had a nice talk with her about it when it happened. If you just go "let's talk when your parents leave in some weeks", then that's gonna be extremely frustrating for her. But you were upfront and easy-going about where you wanted the relationship to go. It doesn't sound like you were pushing it, but it does sound like she didn't want it to go there. I don't get that mindset, but that's on her.

I can't see myself in a situation where I've just started being something more with a girl, then just text for three weeks. Did you not want to meet her during that time? Did she not? Because of course you could've made time to see each other at least once a week. It sounds like she has something she's struggling with, and with that, maybe she just got too much time to overthink the situation, since you two were only texting. Adding the frustration of you backing down from communicating about something that was important, it seems she just switched off. I think that's a silly reaction, but that's her reaction. That's not on you.

It's time to leave her be. Think through the way you handled these things. It can be hard to react the way we want to when we're dealing with things of our pasts, but we can't use that as an excuse. So ensure that you're ready to handle things the way you want to before getting involved with someone again. You said you distanced yourself during the space. Maybe you left the situation in the air too long. Give her her room. She needs it. There's nothing to be done with the situation between you two, sadly. Maybe she'll reflect and give you some feedback at some point. Maybe she'll regret the way she did it, or maybe she'll tell you what she felt you did wrong. Maybe she won't. But she needs the room, regardless.

EDIT: Aw, what happened to Vigilant Walrus? :/

 

[dietertong]

@deitertong

Yeah, lol, I'm a guy. My only advice is put up your best pic, put in a good joke or something witty in every section of your profile, and go answer questions. Also, I tend to avoid making lists on my profile. If a question is "state your favorite book?" I won't just go and state it, most people do that already.

I've done the answering questions part, finding a good picture is tough for me, I'm generally the one behind the camera lol. So if you don't state lists, what else do you put (aside from what else you mentioned)? I just followed their guides, cause you know, I'm a noob at this lol

 

[bobs...onGaf]

Oh man - so I need advice - I have moved to a new house in a new town and get on extremely well with one of my housemates - she has said a few things that indicate she's interested in me and has paid compliments. She's quite open about her relationship status and is currently casually dating - she has a date on Tuesday but was telling me she wasnt interested in that guy. She was just generally saying she would rather hang out with her mates or someone more interesting like me. She also basically said she just wants a no strings attached casual easy relationship but wants to meet a guy who she is friends with before she does the whole friends with benefits thing. She was quite explicit about that.

In writing this all looks like a number of hints that I should say something but she also tells me about other guys she thinks are cute and had a fairly long discussion about some guy at work she likes.

Seriously mixed signals - should I take all that to mean I have been friend zoned and that shes just super open about her sexuality or is it basically a signal I should make a move and that she just happens to be open enough to mention she's into other dudes?

Argh - I don't want to make a move and make living here awkward and I genuinely wouldn't want to fuck up any friendship we have - but I do like her.... Do I risk it? How would you approach saying something if you would say something?

 

[drkOne]

See, now we're getting some meat on the bones Now I get the picture.

It seems she's struggling with her own emotional baggage. I get the feeling you said something about what that was, but I can't find it in your posts, now. What I'd do in your situation is think about what I could've done better. I'm gonna be upfront about this, too; you did more right than she did. But it's easy to just go "well, I wasn't the one that was worst, so I'm just gonna lament her for it".

It's very, very understandable that you don't want to take things over texts. But you can't postpone talking about something important for three weeks. You should've called her and had a nice talk with her about it when it happened. If you just go "let's talk when your parents leave in some weeks", then that's gonna be extremely frustrating for her. But you were upfront and easy-going about where you wanted the relationship to go. It doesn't sound like you were pushing it, but it does sound like she didn't want it to go there. I don't get that mindset, but that's on her.

I can't see myself in a situation where I've just started being something more with a girl, then just text for three weeks. Did you not want to meet her during that time? Did she not? Because of course you could've made time to see each other at least once a week. It sounds like she has something she's struggling with, and with that, maybe she just got too much time to overthink the situation, since you two were only texting. Adding the frustration of you backing down from communicating about something that was important, it seems she just switched off. I think that's a silly reaction, but that's her reaction. That's not on you.

It's time to leave her be. Think through the way you handled these things. It can be hard to react the way we want to when we're dealing with things of our pasts, but we can't use that as an excuse. So ensure that you're ready to handle things the way you want to before getting involved with someone again. You said you distanced yourself during the space. Maybe you left the situation in the air too long. Give her her room. She needs it. There's nothing to be done with the situation between you two, sadly. Maybe she'll reflect and give you some feedback at some point. Maybe she'll regret the way she did it, or maybe she'll tell you what she felt you did wrong. Maybe she won't. But she needs the room, regardless.

EDIT: Aw, what happened to Vigilant Walrus? :/

The day we things went sour over text I told her to come see me. She told me she couldn't.
I told her I'd be willing to wake up early the next day so she could see me before work, which is like a thousand feet from my house… She told me she couldn't promise me anything.
I asked if I could call her, she dodged the question somehow.

After telling her multiple times her friend is still mad at her because she never talked to her, she won't do anything about it and just keep pretending everything is cool.
From what I understood her ex cheated on her, her friend supported her. She decided to give him another chance, and hide everything from her friend. I don't know anymore details. It didn't work. I do know she was never able to talk to her friend about it afterwards.

She never apologises. She never admits she's wrong.
She goes really defensive really fast, and can say some mean things.

That's why I was never able to understand where we were after those 3 weeks.
When I say I didn't want to get my feelings hurt, it just a conversation we had about trust. She told me it wasn't easy to trust someone, after her previous relationships. I probably said something like, "don't worry, it takes time for me to really open up with someone too".

 

[grap3fruitman]

Walk around the house naked and be all "Game's in your court!"

 

[bobs...onGaf]

Walk around the house naked and be all "Game's in your court!"

I wouldn't want anyone else in the house to take that as a signal.

In the same way she might not want to hear that I have taken her conversation as a signal.

If she walked around the house naked I would prob be confused and wonder if she is only doing that because she's comfortable with our friendship loool I'm seriously bad at reading this stuff!

 

[Septimius]

The day we things went sour over text I told her to come see me. She told me she couldn't.
I told her I'd be willing to wake up early the next day so she could see me before work, which is like a thousand feet from my house&#8230; She told me she couldn't promise me anything.
I asked if I could call her, she dodged the question somehow.

After telling her multiple times her friend is still mad at her because she never talked to her, she won't do anything about it and just keep pretending everything is cool.
From what I understood her ex cheated on her, her friend supported her. She decided to give him another chance, and hide everything from her friend. I don't know anymore details. It didn't work. I do know she was never able to talk to her friend about it afterwards.

She never apologises. She never admits she's wrong.
She goes really defensive really fast, and can say some mean things.

That's why I was never able to understand where we were after those 3 weeks.
When I say I didn't want to get my feelings hurt, it just a conversation we had about trust. She told me it wasn't easy to trust someone, after her previous relationships. I probably said something like, "don't worry, it takes time for me to really open up with someone too".

Man, that's tough. Seems you handled it well. Seems she was keeping you at a distance, really. I don't think that's the right way to treat anybody. I think you've done a good job at trying to get it to work. Sounds like she has her issues. I'd just hope she manages to work on them. Basically nothing to do, now. You've been rejected by what seems to be someone with some insecurities that harm others, and it seems she rejected you to make it easier on herself. Nothing can be done, I'm afraid.

You have the knowledge that you've done a lot of things right, here. You gave her space, but at the same time was proactive in trying to sort out a situation. That's very balanced and admirable.

I wouldn't want anyone else in the house to take that as a signal.

In the same way she might not want to hear that I have taken her conversation as a signal.

If she walked around the house naked I would prob be confused and wonder if she is only doing that because she's comfortable with our friendship loool I'm seriously bad at reading this stuff!

Relax for the time being. No reason into overcomplicating stuff when it's such a new situation. Many people would have qualms about getting involved with a housemate, but that's of course not a given. If you first get the signal that she's into you, then starts talking about some other guy, it sounds like a conscious choice to mix the signals. Don't be ensnared by anything. After all, it sounds like you're a bit eager into this. For what reason? Sex?

You're not friend-zoned, but if you rush into this, she'll have you wrapped around her little finger. It isn't at all to say that she's a man-eater and she's purposefully manipulating you. But if you don't want to be disposable, just sit back and relax. She's not going anywhere, neither are you. If she's so into you, she'll make a move, anyway. You have all to gain from just watching the situation.

 

[potam]

Quick question, because I am stupid about relationships:

So I've been seeing this girl the past few weeks: we've gone out a few times on the weekends, text daily, and have had sex

Spoiler

yay!

. Today I realized that I'm pretty content with this setup. I had been envisioning jumping right back into serious relationship territory, but now I figured out that I'm really enjoying my freedom, and don't want to go back to a serious relationship yet. This isn't meaning that I want to date multiple people, but I really think that having someone to talk to throughout the week, then going out on the weekend, with no other serious obligations, is a pretty sweet deal.

Onto the question: I have no idea at what point in a normal relationship goes from dating to something more serious, and I don't want to jump the gun on telling her how I feel. My ex-wife and I never really "dated" and were married within a year, so obviously my reference points are all fucked up. I just don't want to have an awkward conversation where I'm like, "look boo, I'm not tryin' to be tied down just yet" only to discover that she hasn't even thought about anything more serious herself.

Help?

 

[TheVampire]

So I've been seeing this girl I met on Tinder and we have been out on two dates so far and both have been really great.

The first was coffee and we talked for hours and had a really great time. At the end she kissed me on the cheek when we said our goodbyes.

The second was a bowling then arcade then coffee date. I greeted her with a kiss on the cheek and at the end gave her another kiss on the cheek. ( I went in for a kiss on the lips but I wasn't sure if she was leaning into it so I just defaulted to the cheek ) That date was also really great and we had lots of fun.

It’s been two weeks since the second date as she had been sick and now is busy being back teaching at University. During that time she was sick I had asked about a third date and she said "Sure! but it would have to be next week" (so this week).

I chatted to her last night on Facebook for the first time in a few days since she has been sick/busy and was trying to organize a day for a third date. That’s when she said to me that her schedule is a bit crazy at the moment and she would get back to me but that she also wanted to "remind me that she is not wanting anything serious"...........

What? I really don’t remember her ever saying that to me before!

I was a bit shocked at her saying that and I kinda played it off saying that’s cool and whenever she had a free moment like maybe the weekend to which she said: "sounds good "

She also mentioned to me that I'm cool to be around but she isn't sure we are on the same page when it comes to affectionate feelings though which I countered by saying that’s alright and I think it’s too early for feelings to happen anyway and that I've only known her for a short time which she agreed.

So I'm really not sure where to go from here……..

I’m a bit confused as she still seems keen for going out with me because she says things like “sure!” and agrees to it but then she’s saying she isn’t looking for something serious and we’re not on the same page affectionately? So my question is what should I do? If we go out again on a third date this weekend should I bother holding her hand or trying to kiss her? It would be the first time and I was originally planning to hold her hand on this third date and go for a kiss on the lips as well but now I’m not so sure. If I hold her hand during the date she might be like “what are you doing?” or “let go” “remember what I said” etc… Maybe if I kiss her on the lips that might get her on the same page affectionately?

 

[~Kinggi~]

It’s been two weeks since the second date as she had been sick and now is busy being back teaching at University. During that time she was sick I had asked about a third date and she said "Sure! but it would have to be next week" (so this week).

*red warning lights*


seriously though women need to learn already this cliche is played the hell out.

 

[TheExodu5]

Yeah I've gotten that whole "sick" thing before. On more than 1 occasion.

There's some amazing snow shoe trails, but I've never been in April actually. You'd have to do some research for that time of year. Sorry I hadn't noticed the April timeframe, my mistake.

It's a shame her birthday wasn't right now, seeing as how she loves snowshoeing.

 

[Urko]

Reading through this thread makes me both happy and saddens me to tears.

It makes me happy reading people's success stories and seeing that there are so many genuinely good human beings on GAF that are willing to help others with their problems. However, reading how easily some talk to women on here also saddens me in that it reminds me how much of a complete and utter loser I am.

 

[dietertong]

Reading through this thread makes me both happy and saddens me to tears.

It makes me happy reading people's success stories and seeing that there are so many genuinely good human beings on GAF that are willing to help others with their problems. However, reading how easily some talk to women on here also saddens me in that it reminds me how much of a complete and utter loser I am.

No worries dude, it's what the thread is for. Ask questions, start your change

 

[Urko]

No worries dude, it's what the thread is for. Ask questions, start your change

Thanks, I don't really have any questions. I just simply cannot speak to women (especially not ones I am attracted to). I am extremely anti-social when it comes to women. Part of it is because I am very arrogant and the very thought of being turned down repulses me.

 

[dietertong]

Thanks, I don't really have any questions. I just simply cannot speak to women (especially not ones I am attracted to). I am extremely anti-social when it comes to women. Part of it is because I am very arrogant and the very thought of being turned down repulses me.

I think everyone starts off with that fear of rejection. And I think you may be confusing arrogance with something else - you're saying you feel you are too good to be turned down? It doesn't sound like that from what you've stated so far

 

[potam]

Thanks, I don't really have any questions. I just simply cannot speak to women (especially not ones I am attracted to). I am extremely anti-social when it comes to women. Part of it is because I am very arrogant and the very thought of being turned down repulses me.

Don't think too much about it. I'm horrible at approaching people as well (male and female), but I'm a decent talker past that point usually. With that said, I'm oblivious to any signs a girl might give me, and I doubt the ones I do pick up on. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you'll need to take some chances, and figure out what you're comfortable with. You'll learn that rejection isn't the worst thing in the world.

Shit, a few months ago I randomly asked a girl out at the dog park. Everything about the situation was awful and embarrassing looking back on it, but I'm still glad I did it since it was something I'd never done before. Needless to say, she turned me down, but it still wasn't that bad, aside from how awkward I was.

edit: but seriously, I think my post got lost on the last page. someone help meeeeeeeeeeeeee

 

[Pau]

Thanks, I don't really have any questions. I just simply cannot speak to women (especially not ones I am attracted to). I am extremely anti-social when it comes to women. Part of it is because I am very arrogant and the very thought of being turned down repulses me.

It might help to not think of all women as simply potential romantic or sexual partners. Talk to them as you would talk to men.

 

[Urko]

I think everyone starts off with that fear of rejection. And I think you may be confusing arrogance with something else - you're saying you feel too good to be turned down? It doesn't sound like that from what you've states so far

I am honestly not sure. I just know that I cannot handle being turned down by a woman I am attracted to. This is an overwhelming fear for me.