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Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.

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Gaz_RB said:
I was in that same exact position last semester. I was sort of depressed, and often got lost in things like video games (GTA V came out at a horrible time for me haha) to distract myself from the almost meaningless existence I thought I was in. If I failed just one class, I'd be put on academic probation (which at my school was a 2.5). I'd have to drop out of college and get a job, which I didn't want at the time, even though, like you, I know they are important to have. I just felt like if I dropped out then I would be even more dead end then I was before. I'd work at some bad job making fake promises to myself that next week or next month or next year I would start working towards doing something with my life. I would have even fewer options when it comes to doing something more fulfilling in my life. That was the fear anyway.

That was sort of a wakeup call, because I realized that I did indeed want to stay in school because I was worried about being put on probation. School, while itself not being important to me, was something that I saw as being my best path to finding something that is important to me. So pushed myself and skidded by with passable grades last semester. However, I learned from that, and have done much better in the spring. I may not know exactly what I wanted to do, but I was willing to work hard to try to figure that out. I didn't have many positive role models in my life (dad never around, rest of family is sort of dead end), so i decided I needed to understand more about how successful people made it to where they are now and started reading a lot of biographies and things of that nature. I connected with my professors, laying out all of my troubles and concerns, and became really close with two of them, who have provided me with some great opportunities to discover more about myself and what I want this summer and next semester.

I still have no idea what I want to do in the future, and have no idea of where I'll be after this summer, but I feel like I'm now on track to figure it out, and that is what important at this point in my life, I think.

Of course, this is just my experience that I'm telling you. I don't expect it to automatically apply to you, but just know that I identify with where you are right now, and I think your situation has the possibility of turning out for the better. Thanks for reading.
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It was a great read. I wish I was like you. Even if I don't know what I want to do, I want to work hard in finding that. I don't have the motivation nor can I push myself to find it. I'm just not passionate as the rest of the people who are.

As for the statement I bolded, I only connected with my English teacher and she's really nice. I'm glad to have her as my teacher because she helped me write better in my essays, despite getting B- on the first and second essay. I wish I could connect with the rest of my instructors. Especially the discrete math instructor last year on fall semester. He was hard to approach because of his attitude. Though he can be funny at times, but he expects you to know materials for calculus I and II. I completely gave up on that class which was a big mistake but what can I do? I have no one to help me. I don't think there's tutors that knows discrete math. They have tutors for Computer Science classes, but I don't want to spend money on it because I may not like their teachings. So I'm basically stuck, and avoiding the inevitable.
 
I've been feeling rather lonely as of late. I've tried contacting friends about meeting up or making plans, but I either don't get a response, or am told that they're unavailable. I find myself sitting at home just wishing I had somebody to talk to.
 
Not been feeling well

A lot of brain fog...before after doing cardio I used to be so focused, now I get head aches. My body feels extremely cold as well. Anxiety coming and going..
I need to keep ttrack of everything I put in my mouth :/
 
Whine time.

So anyways, my "friend" I've mentioned here previously texted me "What's up, bro. Are you awake?" at 11:26pm. I got up around 8am and saw it and texted him back "You awake, bro?"

So, at this point it is 4:00pm and I have not heard back from him despite seeing him on Facebook and he checks his phone often.

I mean, wtf!? If you wanna be friends and hang, cool. But don't keep pulling silent shit with me especially when you text at him some crazy hour at night seemingly wanting to talk or whatever.

Edited: Texted him once more. If he ignores me, then I'm done with this dude.
 
JPizzle84 said:
No offense but maybe the lesson to be learned is to stop doing drugs.
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Nah, it wasn't the drugs. It was just a volatile combination of lifelong really bad family drama plus the fact I get extremely angry when somebody insults or talks about my wife, who for me is my family, and the only one I love. Plus the fact I told them to get out of my house about four times before she insulted my wife, and my mom was pushing and shoving me around. And of course played the battered woman role when the cops showed up, my sister backing her play.
 
Friend texted me back. Said he was drunk last night (of course) and that it was a 'drunk text' but wanted to see if I wanted to hang with him today but now he tells me he's too hungover and broke. lol.

He told me that we'll hang out maybe end of this month or beginning of next or when I have money next time.

So, I guess we're still friends. /shrugs
 
I don't know what I'm doing anymore...And I feel I'm just intruding with this painting again like I do every week...I wonder if people just tire of me and think I'm just doing this for free publicity...who knows....*sigh* Love sucks...that's all i can say...

tumblr_n5l6dtslve1sjx7hbo1_1280.jpg
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Faceless Void
Another Dota 2 painting.
*goes back into the shadows*
 
Deeply unhappy. But then, what does anyone expect? I hate my life, my friends mostly just tolerate me and I can't figure out why I wake up each afternoon to lumber into the kitchen to take pain meds. I'm not important. I don't know why I'm living.
 
Collete said:
I don't know what I'm doing anymore...And I feel I'm just intruding with this painting again like I do every week...I wonder if people just tire of me and think I'm just doing this for free publicity...who knows....*sigh* Love sucks...that's all i can say...



Faceless Void
Another Dota 2 painting.
*goes back into the shadows*
Click to expand...
Time quickens!

I know I'll never get tired of ya'll sharing your art in here :)
 
jb1234 said:
Deeply unhappy. But then, what does anyone expect? I hate my life, my friends mostly just tolerate me and I can't figure out why I wake up each afternoon to lumber into the kitchen to take pain meds. I'm not important. I don't know why I'm living.
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Your friends love you, you dumbshit.
 
jb1234 said:
Deeply unhappy. But then, what does anyone expect? I hate my life, my friends mostly just tolerate me and I can't figure out why I wake up each afternoon to lumber into the kitchen to take pain meds. I'm not important. I don't know why I'm living.
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1. There are a lot of people who are probably half as capable and intelligent as you are who are twice as content. Being depressed, you might not be able to help this, but hopefully you understand this point for perspective.
2. Your friends don't dictate your value.
3. You say you're not important but who is? The universe is vast and possibly infinite; we're all just miniscule pieces in a tiny spec of a species. Relax and focus on yourself.
4. I don't walk in your shoes or know your situation so I'm not gonna tell you that it's gonna get better but I can say for certain that you shouldn't be comparing yourself to others like we're all gonna be ranked on an online leaderboard! Because we're not. Just got that vibe from your post, maybe I am totally off. I'm not saying literally never compare yourself to others because for practical purposes obviously you have to in everyday life, but don't compare your life holistically with others. Everyone has got a different deck of cards and a notable amount of the happiness and suffering in peoples' lives is not even their own doing necessarily.
 
Colin. said:
There is literally nothing going for me that gives me any sense of purpose in life, not even a hint. Just stuck in the same old numb, auto-pilot drone everyday.
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Same here. I have the oddest sensation of ambivalence - there are so many things I WANT to do, but I literally have zero drive to pursue them....despite really wanting to do them.

It seriously feels like my batteries are dead or my fuel tank is empty. I just can't seem to do anything. People tell me to just "start small", but it's not that easy. I just can't motivate myself to get anything done, and I HATE myself because of it.
 
jb1234 said:
Deeply unhappy. But then, what does anyone expect? I hate my life, my friends mostly just tolerate me and I can't figure out why I wake up each afternoon to lumber into the kitchen to take pain meds. I'm not important. I don't know why I'm living.
Click to expand...

At least you have friends.

I'm 27 and I have, quite literally, zero friends.

The last real friend I had was when I was 16.
 
MisterLuffy said:
It was a great read. I wish I was like you. Even if I don't know what I want to do, I want to work hard in finding that. I don't have the motivation nor can I push myself to find it. I'm just not passionate as the rest of the people who are.

As for the statement I bolded, I only connected with my English teacher and she's really nice. I'm glad to have her as my teacher because she helped me write better in my essays, despite getting B- on the first and second essay. I wish I could connect with the rest of my instructors. Especially the discrete math instructor last year on fall semester. He was hard to approach because of his attitude. Though he can be funny at times, but he expects you to know materials for calculus I and II. I completely gave up on that class which was a big mistake but what can I do? I have no one to help me. I don't think there's tutors that knows discrete math. They have tutors for Computer Science classes, but I don't want to spend money on it because I may not like their teachings. So I'm basically stuck, and avoiding the inevitable.
Click to expand...

Too late to completely switch gears? I imagine my major is way easier (business), therefore requires less actual passion to finish, as opposed to something like engineering or computer science. But I can relate to the bad teacher things. It seems that the classes that you would benefit most from developing a helpful relationship with the professor often have the worst types of professors. When I was taking Calculus, I had a student teacher who was an awful teacher and was never available outside of class. It sucked and I did worse in the class because of it. Is that discrete math class needed for your major?

BTW this is a weird question, but how are your eating habits? People severely underestimate the effect that eating has on huge aspects of our lives, particularly energy and motivation. Breakfast in particular. I read this book about the science of willpower, and thought that maybe my motivation issues were due to nutritional issues. I started eating better and, placebo or no, I definitely have more energy and motivation.
 
In the "I'm Hallucinating" thread, numerous people made mention of those with paranoid delusions being capable of recognising the nonsensical nature of the delusions and this has me somewhat worried as to my state of mind. For the last three or four years, I've consistently had thoughts about my parents having planted cameras within my house, and individuals constantly talking about me to others. Now, I had dismissed the idea that these were paranoid delusions prior as I can recognise logically that no, there are no cameras within my house, the equipment could not be hidden anywhere I wouldn't stumble across it, but, in moments of foolishness, I tend to believe absolutely, despite all rational thought, that there are indeed cameras within the house. Regarding the second compenent, while I know my parents do indeed do this (not solely about 'me' obviously), consistently, I tended to chalk it down to a somewhat narcissistic point of view to assume that when somebody talks, it's about you (or merely something stemming as a result of my parents' gossiping nature) as I can recognise that also isn't the case. I did the Beck's Youth Inventory a few years ago and my results were:

Beck Self Concept Inventory - Lower Than Average
Beck Anxiety Inventory - Moderately Elevated
Beck Depresion Inventory - Moderately Elevated
Beck Anger Inventory - Extremely Elevated
Beck Disruptive Behaviour Inventory - Moderately Elevated

The thing that concerns me is that there were questions about "believing there are cameras observing you" and "believing people talk solely about you in a room" which I disagreed with, as I 'know' that this is not actually the case, and there are only moments for both that it's true, but I'm wondering now if these are something that I should have stated were true, which would likely raise the Anxiety element to "Extremely Elevated" and if these are something that I should be far more wary of than I currently am (or are potential areas of investigation). To provide some context, my relationship with my parents is tenuous at best (were I to simply ay I abhor them it would be too pleasant a descriptor) and I know that this could explain things, as I'd assumed, and similarly I've been diagnosed with autism (which I know has many comorbid conditions). As mentioned I had dismissed these given my understanding of their delusional nature, but that thread has raised my doubts ever so slightly, and I'm just wondering as to the level of legitimacy to the claim that those with delusions can often recognise the delusional nature initially, only for things to worsen.
 
Therapy is going well and my increased medication dosage is helping a lot. My breakup has definitely slowed down this whole process but I'm getting there. I really miss her though. Still using the internet from time to time to numb the pain... I've gotta stop. I'll request a ban for a while.

Wish me luck guys.
 
Gaz_RB said:
Too late to completely switch gears? I imagine my major is way easier (business), therefore requires less actual passion to finish, as opposed to something like engineering or computer science. But I can relate to the bad teacher things. It seems that the classes that you would benefit most from developing a helpful relationship with the professor often have the worst types of professors. When I was taking Calculus, I had a student teacher who was an awful teacher and was never available outside of class. It sucked and I did worse in the class because of it. Is that discrete math class needed for your major?

BTW this is a weird question, but how are your eating habits? People severely underestimate the effect that eating has on huge aspects of our lives, particularly energy and motivation. Breakfast in particular. I read this book about the science of willpower, and thought that maybe my motivation issues were due to nutritional issues. I started eating better and, placebo or no, I definitely have more energy and motivation.
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It's not too late, I'm just getting started. I'm already done registering for the next fall. Discrete math is part of my major requirement.

I eat a lot. I barely go outside. I only go outside when I have school. I've already built a better relationship with my English teacher. Wish I could've done the same with my other teachers for this semester. Especially my ETHS 100 instructor since he's pretty awesome guy.
 
MisterLuffy said:
It's not too late, I'm just getting started. I'm already done registering for the next fall. Discrete math is part of my major requirement.

I eat a lot. I barely go outside. I only go outside when I have school. I've already built a better relationship with my English teacher. Wish I could've done the same with my other teachers for this semester. Especially my ETHS 100 instructor since he's pretty awesome guy.
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Maybe you need more Vitamin D! :p

Yeah I ended up getting pretty close to my Economic Development professor and she offered me a position on this research team that goes overseas sometimes. Before I took that class I didn't even think something like that would be possible, I didn't even conceive that maybe that would be something that would interest me, especially after my first lackluster year of college. It's funny how life can just beat the shit out of you and then turn around and hold out it's hand in friendship.
 
Gaz_RB said:
Maybe you need more Vitamin D! :p

Yeah I ended up getting pretty close to my Economic Development professor and she offered me a position on this research team that goes overseas sometimes. Before I took that class I didn't even think something like that would be possible, I didn't even conceive that maybe that would be something that would interest me, especially after my first lackluster year of college. It's funny how life can just beat the shit out of you and then turn around and hold out it's hand in friendship.
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I'm going to use summer break to practice coding though I feel like I'm going to be in a same situation as of now. I might also use the time to look for another major, though I might not find anything I like to do.

I just want to get this off my chest because it's been bothering me today. This happened today. It's nothing but some kid, I think he's in middle school, try to fist bump me. I said at first I said "I don't know you". Then he came back the second time wanting me to fist bump him. I kept telling him no since I didn't know him nor I was his friend. I don't want to punch him or anything since I don't want to escalate it and I don't know how to fight. I kept telling him that he was messing with me since his friends was laughing and I caught him giggling for a second though he looked as if he was serious. So I fist bump him so he could fuck off. Seriously, I hate when people randomly try to high five me or do stuff like that. That happened to me at my university where some guy wanted me to high five him. I hate it because I always think that I'm an easy target for them to approach me with that kind of crap.
 
jb1234 said:
I've actually said that to myself before. Try again, sir.
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Smiley is one hot piece of a man.

Wait, you've said that before too.

Okay how about

Next time I feel bad I'll wait until Smiley comes online and vent to him about it and not feel shitty about myself
 
Smiley90 said:
Smiley is one hot piece of a man.

Wait, you've said that before too.

Okay how about

Next time I feel bad I'll wait until Smiley comes online and vent to him about it and not feel shitty about myself
Click to expand...

Well, you see, the problem is that when I'm in one of my moods, I turn into an unbearable ass so I tend to believe it's better for people to *not* talk to me during these periods.
 
Huh. Turns out I passed the class I thought I was going to fail.

I still want to try to find things I want to do outside academia, though. Don't wanna be living a passive life today with all of my hopes on tomorrow, for tomorrow never comes. Haven't heard back from the hospice place, so I think that channel is closing on me. :/
 
I feel like every ounce of the will to go on has vanished and I am finding it increasingly hard to imagine a future for myself. I don't trust people, I have no friends or career, I am socially awkward, I have no passion for life, and I've never dated or had sex. I don't feel like a person.

How do you find the strength to go on when you don't want to go on? When you really have had enough?
 
Look guys,

I know a lot of you have some serious shit going on in your lives, and I don't expect a 2 minute big think video to alter your state of consciousness, but I've been thinking about this little one for almost two years now.


Slavoj Žižek, is Slovenian philosopher. He propose; "We don't really want what we think we desire": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U88jj6PSD7w


It's been changing the way I have thought about happiness. I used to think that one day I my chips would fall into place and I would be content/happy, but lately I've been thinking that having a sense of meaning/purpose is not an indicative of happiness.
 
At this point im basically a walking dead person. I can't imagine a more empty vessel than me. Only the internets keep me distracted from my reality now. This will never be fixed.
 
~Kinggi~ said:
At this point im basically a walking dead person. I can't imagine a more empty vessel than me. Only the internets keep me distracted from my reality now. This will never be fixed.
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I had the most incredible intense moment of depression a few days ago.

Build up;

Had been alone and inactive the whole day. Had jerked off four times and just eating shitty foods and snacks. On the fourth time I jerked off, my serotonin levels must have gone down into the zeros.

What an incredible feeling that you can actually induce such a state for yourself. I broke myself completely.
Solitude + high amounts of high fructose corn syrup + fake stimuli like movies/games/porn + isolation(seeing nobody) = incredible state of depression. It literally is one of the most crazy things I have experienced in my life. Goddamn. Still recouping from it, but I was *this* close to just jumping out a window. But to depressed to do that. So depression saved my life.




Kinggi, if you are empty vessel, that means there is a lot of stuff to put in you. My depression is based on a shitty life I feel I can't escape, along with these impossible high expectations of myself.

You need to find that stuff you really want to fill yourself with. Write that shit down. That crazy shit. What did you wanted to be in second grade? A zoo employee? Astronaut?
 
Vigilant Walrus said:
Look guys,

I know a lot of you have some serious shit going on in your lives, and I don't expect a 2 minute big think video to alter your state of consciousness, but I've been thinking about this little one for almost two years now.


Slavoj Žižek, is Slovenian philosopher. He propose; "We don't really want what we think we desire": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U88jj6PSD7w


It's been changing the way I have thought about happiness. I used to think that one day I my chips would fall into place and I would be content/happy, but lately I've been thinking that having a sense of meaning/purpose is not an indicative of happiness.
Click to expand...

Damn, that video has brought up some interesting thoughts in regards to my relationships. Grass is greener on the other side.
 
When I saw my psychiatrist today he said to keep the Zoloft at 100mg, even if it's made me very moody because my overall well-being has improved.

Right now I feel depressed and alone, not feeling like anyone really cares about me. Not sure if I want to continue being a member of this community. I feel like it's given me a false sense of importance to others.
 
A Human Becoming said:
When I saw my psychiatrist today he said to keep the Zoloft at 100mg, even if it's made me very moody because my overall well-being has improved.

Right now I feel depressed and alone, not feeling like anyone really cares about me. Not sure if I want to continue being a member of this community. I feel like it's given me a false sense of importance to others.
Click to expand...


A Human Becoming, I read somewhere that 80% of the times we think people are thinking something about us, they aren't really at all. We all live within our own heads, and perhaps most of us walk around thinking that the way it's supposed to be, is to be thought or cared about all the time.
Lately I've begun thinking that we're all alone, and we will always be alone. Even if you live with someone, you can still be lonely. Even if you have a family you can still feel like nobody cares for you. You're the one who has to walk around with your thoughts.


I listen to this podcast that is called Duncan Trussell's Family Hour. He made a two podcasts with his mother before she died of cancer. His mother was a psychologist and a spiritual person, and I was really moved by her reflections to her son. It was weirdly, authentic, and not tacky.
I've thought a lot about their talk, and what it means to acknowledge it all. Your fears, your depressing. To stare into the abyss and try and "be with it". She talks about this thing called Charging and discharging, which she says is the grease in our wheel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KP8iVVg7i1I

I don't know. Maybe you will find some comfort in it! It helped me a bunch!
 
O'smiles said:
I didn't think this would be my first post,but here we are.

I don't know what I'm doing, I've lurked gaf quite awhile for news and such. But this thread is what made me want to register an account. Forgive me for rambling but I have to get this out somewhere to anyone. There's some other stuff bothering me that maybe I'll share another time since this post is going to be too long anyway.

I've felt sad and alone for what feels like forever. Most days feel so solitary and pointless. And I feel silly for saying that because I have two friends that are amazing and will always stick by me. But I see them maybe once a month if that, and the time between seeing and talking to them is getting harder and harder to bear. I haven't told them the exact details of how I feel (they know I'm not happy and haven't been for a long time, but not the full extent, which I'll get into later) and don't think I ever can. If I did I would get this idea in my head that they would call or try to see me more not because they want to hang out but because they would feel obligated to. I don't want my bullshit to put a strain on our relationship because it’s one of the only things that keeps me going.

I've struggled with thoughts of suicide more often than I care to admit. It gets really scary sometimes. I feel like I have to physically hold on to myself to stop my body from doing something stupid. I know in my heart I would never kill myself because I really don't want to hurt the people who love me, but I'm worried the day may come where that won't be enough. The need to go on for the sake of others is what's kept me from taking things past the point of no return, but I don't know how long that will keep me going. I want to reach out to my friends but I can't, and I can't go it alone anymore.

And I guess that's why I'm posting this. I need to talk to someone about this, and I hope someone will listen.

Thanks for reading.
Click to expand...

I like your username. -looks at own-

Anyway, I'm really happy that we were the reason you made an account. Because people like you are the reason this thread exists.

So when you have those suicidal thoughts, what reason does your brain bring forward that would support it? Don't apologize for having good things in your life and still feeling like this. Be proud of them. Some people here have jobs, education, friends, relationships, you name it, and yet we're still all here and facing similar issues. It's nothing to be ashamed of, we're not comparing who's got it worse. We're just here trying to help people who have issues they think they can't deal with by themselves.
 
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