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[Flo]

Don't have anyone to talk about this with so I figure I'll try here.

For a long time now I've felt trapped and stuck with my life. All of my friends have moved away or I had to cut ties with them because they would take advantage of me since I have a job, my own place, and a car and they don't. I haven't had the energy to do anything really, feeling hopeless, and viewing my hobbies that I used to love as traps that are just making things worse.

Finally I went to a doctor for an evaluation and after talking for a while she suggested anti-depressants. I tell her that I've never been adverse to taking medication, but I fear that if I need pills to be happy, I'll always need them and if I ever stop I'll just regress. I'm also scared that they'll only treat the symptoms rather than the cause, moving from one crutch to another. She talked for a bit about them and I asked for some time to think it over and consider my options before meeting again.

To me, it felt like she was really hanging on my response to the question, "have you lost interest in things you used to enjoy", and while I did answer "very much", a big part of that is that I'm ashamed of what I like. Like I'm excited as hell for Mario Kart 8 and Smash Bros 4, but when I interact with people and they want to learn more about me I shirk away because I'm embarrassed to be a 30 year dateless, friendless wonder that does nothing but browse the Internet, play games, and watch my old DVDs of shows and movies (mostly older animes like Trigun, G Gundam, and GunXSword). Even when I do those things the entire time I'm thinking how pathetic it is that this is all I do at my age and with my life.

I'm going to more outings that my co-workers bring up, but when I do go, I don't feel as though I contribute or get anything out of it. They don't have any interest in my hobbies and I don't have much interest in theirs. I just sit there and only talk when someone asks me something or when I think of a joke that I can inject in the conversation that others are having. To me, this feels one step above bus-stop small talk yet the entire experience leaves me exhausted.

I know people like me, but I don't feel like anyone respects me. They like me the way you like a puppy that has its head stuck in a shoe. It's cute how it flops around trying to do anything, but you'd never trust it to protect your family. So people enjoy being around me, but a relationship or spending one-on-one time? I get shot down every time or worse they try to but as soon as they realize how boring I actually am they can't get to their car fast enough.

I have a very pessimistic attitude to everything I do. "It's never going to work, I don't know what to do, I'm just making things worse", and so on. I want to go and meet people with similar tastes but I have no idea where to go or how to do that. I was looking at meetup.com after my doctor mentioned it helping one of her other patients, and some of it looks kinda interesting but I'm incredibly hesitant because of my pessimism and cowardice.

Sorry about the rambling but I felt like I needed to give some background info so I could get some honest opinions. Do you think antidepressants could help me? I'm not expecting these to suddenly make me a hit with the ladies or the life of the party and solve all my problems, what I'd like to know hopefully from others currently using medication is would medication help me feel better about being me? And not be so ashamed of what are normal, natural hobbies and tastes, and to help me not constantly talk myself out of doing things that could enable me to meet new people?

I am ignorant as hell about this and I don't have anyone that I can trust to speak to about this that could actually give me decent advice so I'm hoping that I might find information here from you all that would help me make my decision when I see my doctor again at the start of June. I kind of want to take them, but again I know so little about them I don't know if they would actually help.

Thank you very much.

To me it sounds like your pessimism is really standing in your way. You've made a good start at doing social stuff, but you talk about yourself as if you're not good enough. I understand it's impossible to be proud of yourself overnight. But I think if you can talk about yourself and your hobbies with the passion you obviously have, it could get you into some pretty interesting conversations. This doesn't have to be every time, because you don't have to get along with everyone.

On the medication part, I've not found something that really worked for me, making me feel better-wise. But you could see it as a little help along the way. Maybe try to ask your docter if she thinks it could help with feeling less pessimistic? Feeling better about yourself, to me, means being kinder towards yourself and being more accepting. When I learned where a lot of my quirks came from (from things that happened when I was a very little girl, which snowballed into habits), it became easier to accept them and actually change them. I did some exercises with my therapist where I would close my eyes and think about a situation that I run into now, and go back in time to see what it reminded me off 'in the old days'. Then we would discuss those.
Okay, now I'm rambling. Sorry if my story doesn't help you at all

 

[Aesius]

How do you guys deal with massive regret?

I'm 27 years old and regret basically my entire life after the age of 13.

High school was almost an entire waste. I didn't apply myself to anything, never joined any clubs, never played any sports, never even attempted to get out of my comfort zone. I was essentially a shut-in for most of my 9th, 10th, and 11th grade years. The only saving grace is that I got a girlfriend my senior year and managed to live a somewhat normal high school existence for one year. That's the only thing that prevented my high school career from being a total failure.

In college, I lived at home and attended a local, private Christian university instead of moving away. I'm not religious, so it sucked. After two years, I transferred to a cheap, second-tier state university across the state because I had no ambition to apply anywhere better or more selective, even though I had the grades and test scores. I did end up finding a great group of people to hang out with there, but over the years we've all gone our separate ways.

Because I'm fairly introverted and not very open to meeting new people, I never bothered to make other friends at school, so now I'm left with virtually no one to hang out with. I tried making friends at my last job, and I even went out with them quite a few times, but I was always the "backup" friend compared to their true circles of friends. I never really moved past the acquaintance stage with any of them.

On top of that, I'm also experiencing a lot of regret over my education and career path. After changing majors and several false-starts, I chose to study journalism in college, but after a reporting internship, I realized that writing for a newspaper wasn't for me. Again, my introversion made it extremely difficult to interview people and really chase down stories. And to top it off, my "mentor" at the internship basically told me I'm a shit writer, so that kind of killed my confidence as a journalist.

I got into copywriting instead and spent two years at an ad agency, but I quit because of extreme stress at the job and its chaotic environment.

Now I'm trying to freelance at home. I'm barely making any money and quickly realizing that my skill set isn't really in demand. I do still love writing, though, but it seems increasingly difficult to make any money doing it.

I hate comparing myself to people, but so many of my peers are just powering ahead in their lives and careers and celebrating their successes with large groups of friends. I know this because of Facebook, even though I unfollowed about 90 percent of my friends list because their status updates just make me feel bad about my life. I even unfollowed my own brother because he's flat-out kicking ass in life and I'm barely treading water.

I actually have a live-in girlfriend, and she's the only person keeping me sane right now. Friend-wise, she's in the same situation as me. We spend most nights and weekends just sitting around our apartment, bored and wishing we had something to do. We tried a few Meetup groups, but we got cold shouldered big time. I don't know if it's because we're a couple and almost everyone else was single, but it was disheartening.

Anyway, that's my long rant.

My life isn't terrible by any means, but it's just really far from where I want it to be, and it's starting to really get me down. Thanks for listening, GAF.

 

[Wilsongt]

Oh lawd Jesus help me. That "Can money help depression?" thread.

 

[MisterLuffy]

Well, there's a couple things entwined here. First, "offensive" is subjective -- it's quite possible that what you said wouldn't elicit that same reaction from a majority of people. Second, you received a really high mark, meaning that you stated your opinion and defended it well (because your prof, who probably disagreed with you on a personal level, nevertheless respected your argument). This is something to be really proud of, and it shows that you really do know what you're talking about. Third, the point of academia is that you submit your ideas, have them challenged, and reassess how you view the world, and that's what's going on here.

Fourth, and I don't mean to minimize things, because I went through this exact same thing in a French class in college where I got into an email discussion about immigration with my lecturer, but I'm pretty sure that she never thought about me again after that semester. By the way, today's me would be horrified at what college me said, so, there's that.

Don't beat yourself up too much. Enjoy the A- in a class that you admitted wasn't your strong suit!

Actually I got B+ for my class grade, A- was my final exam grade. My instructor told me that I shouldn't worry about it, and as long as I understand what I've said.

 

[Hermii]

I sat in a park today for about 90 minutes in the grass just crying. It is not related to that other thread, that is just one thing on top off a thousand others. Does anyone know some goood resources about letting shit go? Beliefs you have about yourself and others, past memories, broken friendships, shit in general. I need some creative destruction in my life.

 

[Ashes]

I sat in a park today for about 90 minutes in the grass just crying. It is not related to that other thread, that is just one thing on top off a thousand others. Does anyone know some goood resources about letting shit go? Beliefs you have about yourself and others, past memories, broken friendships, shit in general. I need some creative destruction in my life.

Crying is a natural tension releaser for some people. It's okay to cry.

I'm not privy to the other thread, so I am not sure for what reason you are crying.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

An update about that friend I've been talking about, but this is actually.... gasp.... something positive from me.

So, I went out with that friend last Wednesday and seems like we're back to being buddies like we used to be. He was telling me how things weren't going well with his girlfriend recently. You remember I was talking about the whole incident at his girlfriend's place which is why he was angry and avoiding me.

Well, anyways, him and his girlfriend broke up this weekend. I noticed I had one less friend on my Facebook and that his gf unfriended me and my assumption was right. He texted me yesterday asking about what PS3 bundle to choose since he said he's single and acquired some credit so he's going to treat himself.

So, all is good on that front and I think me and him will be hanging out more again as a result. He's not broken up by it, by the way and is in good spirits.

 

[Hermii]

Crying is a natural tension releaser for some people. It's okay to cry.

I'm not privy to the other thread, so I am not sure for what reason you are crying.

I said its not about the other thread. Its depression in general, past coming back, things I regret, thinking about lost friendships, how much I suck at everything, and so on.

 

[Bagels]

I sat in a park today for about 90 minutes in the grass just crying. It is not related to that other thread, that is just one thing on top off a thousand others. Does anyone know some goood resources about letting shit go? Beliefs you have about yourself and others, past memories, broken friendships, shit in general. I need some creative destruction in my life.

One reason I write so much STUFF - essays, stories, posts, letters, journals, and now calligraphy - is to get the thoughts out of my head. If I just think about things, I really tend to ruminate. the thoughts go round and round and I get nowhere. But if I can write them down, a) the writer in me is compelled to give them more form, to hammer them out into something that makes more sense and b) they really do seem to leave my head a bit.

I wrote a story about the last time I saw my friend, who unexpectedly died in his sleep in his 20s, for a NeoGAF creative writing challenge. It had eaten at me for almost 10 years. But I worked really hard on writing my story and I even recorded a reading of it. God, did that help! Hammering the story into shape was super emotional, but it really helped me make peace with it. And now I have the story and the recording and they are there when I need them. It doesn't all live inside my head any more.

Then, you can take an opposite tack. One thing I noticed with my calligraphy animations is that half are about creation and half are about destruction. Writing is supposed to represent permanence, doubly so when you take the care to write something in calligraphy. We have these great medieval manuscripts, Egyptian papyrus...beautifully written words are supposed to last forever. But I like to take those words and destroy them. It subverts the whole thing and can be super meaningful. I really recommend that. Write out the things that are bothering you - names, events, paragraphs, whole stories - and then physically destroy them. Crumple them up, tear them to shreds, burn them. It sounds silly, but it gives you a real sense of power over these things. I guess it helps if you are a more verbal thinker. But just the idea of taking ideas and giving them physical form is a powerful thing, and lets you interact with them in the same way you need to take basically all of your thoughts and ideas and give them physical form to move forward.

 

[QuicheFontaine]

I am terrible with names. Some people just are bad at remembering certain things, don't take it personally

I usually just take a random guess though.
"Hey john!"
"My name is Bill"
"Oh, sorry. Hey Bill!"

Works just fine.

I just use this simple tactic from Father Ted.

Spoiler

Get someone else to guess their name.

 

[Bagels]

An update about that friend I've been talking about, but this is actually.... gasp.... something positive from me.

So, I went out with that friend last Wednesday and seems like we're back to being buddies like we used to be. He was telling me how things weren't going well with his girlfriend recently. You remember I was talking about the whole incident at his girlfriend's place which is why he was angry and avoiding me.

Well, anyways, him and his girlfriend broke up this weekend. I noticed I had one less friend on my Facebook and that his gf unfriended me and my assumption was right. He texted me yesterday asking about what PS3 bundle to choose since he said he's single and acquired some credit so he's going to treat himself.

So, all is good on that front and I think me and him will be hanging out more again as a result. He's not broken up by it, by the way and is in good spirits.

Good to hear! It's shitty that he (or so it seems?) let her control him to that extent. It sounds like he really didn't have any issues with you, but she wasn't a fan, so he treated you like crap. Something to discuss with him when things have all settled back into the normal routine?

 

[Gurthang]

I did a blood transfusion today. It was mentally painful. For 6 hours straight I was just thinking of the worst memories of my life.

 

[Polydeuces]

How do you guys deal with massive regret?

I'm 27 years old and regret basically my entire life after the age of 13.

High school was almost an entire waste. I didn't apply myself to anything, never joined any clubs, never played any sports, never even attempted to get out of my comfort zone. I was essentially a shut-in for most of my 9th, 10th, and 11th grade years. The only saving grace is that I got a girlfriend my senior year and managed to live a somewhat normal high school existence for one year. That's the only thing that prevented my high school career from being a total failure.

In college, I lived at home and attended a local, private Christian university instead of moving away. I'm not religious, so it sucked. After two years, I transferred to a cheap, second-tier state university across the state because I had no ambition to apply anywhere better or more selective, even though I had the grades and test scores. I did end up finding a great group of people to hang out with there, but over the years we've all gone our separate ways.

Because I'm fairly introverted and not very open to meeting new people, I never bothered to make other friends at school, so now I'm left with virtually no one to hang out with. I tried making friends at my last job, and I even went out with them quite a few times, but I was always the "backup" friend compared to their true circles of friends. I never really moved past the acquaintance stage with any of them.

On top of that, I'm also experiencing a lot of regret over my education and career path. After changing majors and several false-starts, I chose to study journalism in college, but after a reporting internship, I realized that writing for a newspaper wasn't for me. Again, my introversion made it extremely difficult to interview people and really chase down stories. And to top it off, my "mentor" at the internship basically told me I'm a shit writer, so that kind of killed my confidence as a journalist.

I got into copywriting instead and spent two years at an ad agency, but I quit because of extreme stress at the job and its chaotic environment.

Now I'm trying to freelance at home. I'm barely making any money and quickly realizing that my skill set isn't really in demand. I do still love writing, though, but it seems increasingly difficult to make any money doing it.

I hate comparing myself to people, but so many of my peers are just powering ahead in their lives and careers and celebrating their successes with large groups of friends. I know this because of Facebook, even though I unfollowed about 90 percent of my friends list because their status updates just make me feel bad about my life. I even unfollowed my own brother because he's flat-out kicking ass in life and I'm barely treading water.

I actually have a live-in girlfriend, and she's the only person keeping me sane right now. Friend-wise, she's in the same situation as me. We spend most nights and weekends just sitting around our apartment, bored and wishing we had something to do. We tried a few Meetup groups, but we got cold shouldered big time. I don't know if it's because we're a couple and almost everyone else was single, but it was disheartening.

Anyway, that's my long rant.

My life isn't terrible by any means, but it's just really far from where I want it to be, and it's starting to really get me down. Thanks for listening, GAF.

Its going to be hard not comparing yourself to others but I guess what I did was not care about them and worry about my own life. Sometimes its a good thing to be selfish in the sense that you need to be doing things you want and not caring about others. Its also going to be hard to get past your previous struggles. You cant really change anything about it; just focus on yourself and the present so you can feel good about yourself in the long run.

 

[Lionheart1827]

I did a blood transfusion today. It was mentally painful. For 6 hours straight I was just thinking of the worst memories of my life.

I know what that's like,it's not fun. I had about 3-4 transfusions when I was doing cancer treatment. I found reading is one of the best ways to keep my head straight.

 

[White Man]

I guess I should follow up: I start seeing a therapist that specializes in schizos next week. My life is effectively over.

 

[Yasae]

How do you guys deal with massive regret?

I'm 27 years old and regret basically my entire life after the age of 13.

High school was almost an entire waste. I didn't apply myself to anything, never joined any clubs, never played any sports, never even attempted to get out of my comfort zone. I was essentially a shut-in for most of my 9th, 10th, and 11th grade years. The only saving grace is that I got a girlfriend my senior year and managed to live a somewhat normal high school existence for one year. That's the only thing that prevented my high school career from being a total failure.

In college, I lived at home and attended a local, private Christian university instead of moving away. I'm not religious, so it sucked. After two years, I transferred to a cheap, second-tier state university across the state because I had no ambition to apply anywhere better or more selective, even though I had the grades and test scores. I did end up finding a great group of people to hang out with there, but over the years we've all gone our separate ways.

Such is life.

Because I'm fairly introverted and not very open to meeting new people, I never bothered to make other friends at school, so now I'm left with virtually no one to hang out with. I tried making friends at my last job, and I even went out with them quite a few times, but I was always the "backup" friend compared to their true circles of friends. I never really moved past the acquaintance stage with any of them.

That happens too.

I'd say you can only really tell if you meet people in more relaxed or one on one settings. But that's still no guarantee.

On top of that, I'm also experiencing a lot of regret over my education and career path. After changing majors and several false-starts, I chose to study journalism in college, but after a reporting internship, I realized that writing for a newspaper wasn't for me. Again, my introversion made it extremely difficult to interview people and really chase down stories. And to top it off, my "mentor" at the internship basically told me I'm a shit writer, so that kind of killed my confidence as a journalist.

I got into copywriting instead and spent two years at an ad agency, but I quit because of extreme stress at the job and its chaotic environment.

Now I'm trying to freelance at home. I'm barely making any money and quickly realizing that my skill set isn't really in demand. I do still love writing, though, but it seems increasingly difficult to make any money doing it.

I hate comparing myself to people, but so many of my peers are just powering ahead in their lives and careers and celebrating their successes with large groups of friends. I know this because of Facebook, even though I unfollowed about 90 percent of my friends list because their status updates just make me feel bad about my life. I even unfollowed my own brother because he's flat-out kicking ass in life and I'm barely treading water.

Ooh, so familiar. My sister especially.

You haven't found your place yet. You would have comparable success if you had. From my experience it really seems to be a crapshoot, too. Some people take off like jets from high school on and know exactly what they want (even if it's usually a little more sobering than they'd like - still a job!), others have to search for a while to see where they fit in.

Interests are always useful, but for a career they must transfer to some kind of success. And I'm glad my sister found her place, but she cannot do everything as well as I can and vice versa. We all have different strengths.

I actually have a live-in girlfriend, and she's the only person keeping me sane right now. Friend-wise, she's in the same situation as me. We spend most nights and weekends just sitting around our apartment, bored and wishing we had something to do. We tried a few Meetup groups, but we got cold shouldered big time. I don't know if it's because we're a couple and almost everyone else was single, but it was disheartening.

Anyway, that's my long rant.

My life isn't terrible by any means, but it's just really far from where I want it to be, and it's starting to really get me down. Thanks for listening, GAF.

Friendships and communities are a tricky thing. You can put yourself out there, but it only increases the chances you'll meet a person/persons worth spending time with. Frankly I think there's far more luck involved than any of us are willing to admit, and it can grow tiring when those odds continually fail you.

I don't have good advice on this except for what I said previously. That, and temper your expectations.

 

[MisterLuffy]

Today is boring, my life is boring...I'm getting bored to death at home. My brother linked me a site to study java, but dammit I'm too lazy to do anything. The only thing I do is browse on the internet and look at lesbian porn pics and videos Is there a word that's stronger than the term "hate", just using the same statement "I hate myself" is not enough to truly state how I feel about myself. I really hate that I'm wasting my life.

 

[Yasae]

One reason I write so much STUFF - essays, stories, posts, letters, journals, and now calligraphy - is to get the thoughts out of my head. If I just think about things, I really tend to ruminate. the thoughts go round and round and I get nowhere. But if I can write them down, a) the writer in me is compelled to give them more form, to hammer them out into something that makes more sense and b) they really do seem to leave my head a bit.

I wrote a story about the last time I saw my friend, who unexpectedly died in his sleep in his 20s, for a NeoGAF creative writing challenge. It had eaten at me for almost 10 years. But I worked really hard on writing my story and I even recorded a reading of it. God, did that help! Hammering the story into shape was super emotional, but it really helped me make peace with it. And now I have the story and the recording and they are there when I need them. It doesn't all live inside my head any more.

Then, you can take an opposite tack. One thing I noticed with my calligraphy animations is that half are about creation and half are about destruction. Writing is supposed to represent permanence, doubly so when you take the care to write something in calligraphy. We have these great medieval manuscripts, Egyptian papyrus...beautifully written words are supposed to last forever. But I like to take those words and destroy them. It subverts the whole thing and can be super meaningful. I really recommend that. Write out the things that are bothering you - names, events, paragraphs, whole stories - and then physically destroy them. Crumple them up, tear them to shreds, burn them. It sounds silly, but it gives you a real sense of power over these things. I guess it helps if you are a more verbal thinker. But just the idea of taking ideas and giving them physical form is a powerful thing, and lets you interact with them in the same way you need to take basically all of your thoughts and ideas and give them physical form to move forward.

It's a surprisingly useful technique. Potentially very powerful for all the reasons Bagels stated. Thoughts are given permanence and coherence when written down. They're technically out in the open even if they remain private to you, and that's part of the cathartic effectiveness for me.

With parents who were questionable in their care, you can write down your feelings about them and what you thought their failings were etc without the dismissiveness they often show about their (and your) pasts. I've heard a lot of "I've apologized till I'm blue in the face" with my mother, and that's often made my blood boil. They apologized genuinely a long time time ago perhaps, but they never actually paid for any of their mistakes... So technically they can't apologize.

Isn't that the truth? They did one wrong thing, and then another, and then another, and then another, on and on. Nobody was there to stop them. And that's what makes me so god damn angry at the root of it - that someone can make so many egregious mistakes and there was nothing I could do about it... And nothing anyone else did.

Regardless, it's a past which can never change. I have found writing about it and many of the issues I face now a useful exercise.

 

[Smiley90]

After the letdown that seeing another specialist on Monday was, seeing my GP today was great.

He's writing me a referral to a geneticist and actually listened.

Also, my university is starting a new program where they're investigating exercise for depression, so I got offered to join it and I get 14 free personal trainer sessions. Given how little motivation I have to do anything at all and how badly I need to exercise with my joint problems, this is actually pretty sweet.

 

[Flo]

I guess I should follow up: I start seeing a therapist that specializes in schizos next week. My life is effectively over.

Why is it over? I've been reading what you wrote the last few weeks and it sounds really hard. You never talk about family or friends (or I missed that), is there anyone around you to support you?

Also, my university is starting a new program where they're investigating exercise for depression, so I got offered to join it and I get 14 free personal trainer sessions. Given how little motivation I have to do anything at all and how badly I need to exercise with my joint problems, this is actually pretty sweet.

That sounds really great, I hope it helps you. For me exercise did help a lot, it just took me ages to find a sport I like, I'm naturally quite lazy.

 

[Hermii]

I guess I should follow up: I start seeing a therapist that specializes in schizos next week. My life is effectively over.

You are getting treatment. You are dealing with your problems instead of suppressing them. You are fighting this thing and that shows strength and taking responsibility. As long as you don,t give up fighting, your life is not over. Its only over if you choose it to be. Even then its not over, just a temporary setback until you choose keep going.

 

[parakeet]

I am in a manic episode at the moment. I got manic due to doing something I regret. Now I am going to be on drugs for life. I got bipolar due to many events that happened in my life. Now I am confused, and have esoteric beliefs. I don't know what is going on and may never know my history of events in the last 9 months.

 

[Polydeuces]

Today is boring, my life is boring...I'm getting bored to death at home. My brother linked me a site to study java, but dammit I'm too lazy to do anything. The only thing I do is browse on the internet and look at lesbian porn pics and videos Is there a word that's stronger than the term "hate", just using the same statement "I hate myself" is not enough to truly state how I feel about myself. I really hate that I'm wasting my life.

Don't put yourself down that much. Try to make one small daily goal and then start adding ontop of it. Make a simple program or just read anything java related. It's going to be hard to restrain yourself from the pron but try to do something instead. I am in a similar situation as you wheras im doing summer school so it's stressful for me as well... I know you can do this. Believe in yourself.

 

[White Man]

Why is it over? I've been reading what you wrote the last few weeks and it sounds really hard. You never talk about family or friends (or I missed that), is there anyone around you to support you?

Nah, no family or close friends.

A large part of me feels guilty because I think my extensive drug usage may have contributed to this.

 

[Smiley90]

Why is it over? I've been reading what you wrote the last few weeks and it sounds really hard. You never talk about family or friends (or I missed that), is there anyone around you to support you?


That sounds really great, I hope it helps you. For me exercise did help a lot, it just took me ages to find a sport I like, I'm naturally quite lazy.

I hope so too. I actually like a lot of sports, it's just that due to my physical condition I can't do a lot of them without risking injury - basically any impact sports I'm supposed to hold off on. So that basically leaves the gym and cycling (and swimming which I dislike though). And I have huge trouble motivating myself to go to the gym, so I hope having an "appointment" will help.

 

[WayneMorse]

Went running today for the first time in a while, holy shit it really does help. I've been feeling pretty good today so far since my run. I might actually go on a run again this afternoon.

 

[Flo]

Nah, no family or close friends.

A large part of me feels guilty because I think my extensive drug usage may have contributed to this.

Damn, it sounds very scary to go through all of that alone. I wish I could do something for you. I understand you feel guilty or responsible for the situation you're in, but it's not like you choose to feel like this.

I hope so too. I actually like a lot of sports, it's just that due to my physical condition I can't do a lot of them without risking injury - basically any impact sports I'm supposed to hold off on. So that basically leaves the gym and cycling (and swimming which I dislike though). And I have huge trouble motivating myself to go to the gym, so I hope having an "appointment" will help.

My boyfriend had the same problem with sports, he picked up climbing/bouldering and loves it. It's where we met. I like that it's a very social sport as well, people always willing to help. It's very physical, but also mental. I actually started it because I wanted to get rid of my fear of heights, but it's challenging for everyone. (I hate swimming too.)

 

[Bagels]

Art on Wednesdays - "anxiety"

 

[~Kinggi~]

I am trapped by fear to do anything. I have no friends and no life. Its getting worse im pretty sure. Severe nervousness in public places so all energy is spent trying to act normal. My life is basically over. I was thinking the other day i can't remember the last time i was optimistic about life, im basically waiting to die currently. Ill never be married or have sex or have kids or even know how to do any of that. At 30 yrs this is a done situation. Ive been like this for all of my 20s, completely aware of all of it. Any attempts to break out of it fail because its just who i am. I think im finished as soon as i lose my job. Things arent looking good there.

 

[jb1234]

Art on Wednesdays - "anxiety"

That's amazing, dude. Damn, I love animated Wednesdays. <3

 

[Collete]

Keep it up Bagels!
You're effectively covering my tracks of my lack of paintings!

Speaking of which...I've been on a curse of my Artrage program crashing on me when I paint...so the past two weeks of me doing this painting have been in failure...I think I might take a break on painting for a bit.

 

[Wreck-It Ralph]

I wish people would just be honest and confirm that I'm ugly instead of trying to convince me that I'm not.

Look, clearly, when I'm constantly rejected through things that rely mostly or entirely on personal appearance, such as online dating or Tinder, there must be something wrong with my appearance. It somehow makes me feel even shittier when people just try to convince me that I look fine. It's like telling someone who's had half their face burned off that they're still beautiful.

And no, I'm not posting pics.

 

[Smiley90]

Art injection high five!

Anyone have tips or advice on maintaining or retaining a reasonable mental state while doing night shift work? Maybe people do some night work themselves, or are students, or just yer night owl types. Am going back onto nights for three weeks and am sort of dreading it. Been doing them as part of a rotating roster for a long while now but if anything am getting worse at handling them. It's not as much about the hours while at work but about surviving and thriving during off hours and on off days. Apart from some negligibly pleasant hyper sensitivity that comes with lack of sleep, basically end up spending three weeks (or more) in a state of lowered mood, lethargy, joylessness, and am more of a senseless jackass than usual.

Strategies that I do, uh, employ:

-not reading overnight at work on down time. that's a killer.

-tea, miso soup, coffee, water scattered throughout

-lozenges for sore throat. always get a sore throat.

-try to go outside and walk at least once each day (length of time outside isn't something i think about here, it's more dragging my self out there for however long)

Just thought i'd throw it out there in case anyone had some experience with this kind of thing, even sleep hygiene/health patterns in general really.

How much non-work-related stuff can you do? If quite a bit, then I have some advice from when I always had downtime.

e.g. I learned Korean.

Not even joking.

 

[Buzzman]

I guess I should follow up: I start seeing a therapist that specializes in schizos next week. My life is effectively over.

Schizophrenia doesn't mean your life has to be over, most cases can be treated with medication. Hang in there.

 

[Aesius]

Such is life.


That happens too.

I'd say you can only really tell if you meet people in more relaxed or one on one settings. But that's still no guarantee.

Ooh, so familiar. My sister especially.

You haven't found your place yet. You would have comparable success if you had. From my experience it really seems to be a crapshoot, too. Some people take off like jets from high school on and know exactly what they want (even if it's usually a little more sobering than they'd like - still a job!), others have to search for a while to see where they fit in.

Interests are always useful, but for a career they must transfer to some kind of success. And I'm glad my sister found her place, but she cannot do everything as well as I can and vice versa. We all have different strengths.

Friendships and communities are a tricky thing. You can put yourself out there, but it only increases the chances you'll meet a person/persons worth spending time with. Frankly I think there's far more luck involved than any of us are willing to admit, and it can grow tiring when those odds continually fail you.

I don't have good advice on this except for what I said previously. That, and temper your expectations.

Hey! I really appreciate the response.

I know I'm not really in a situation where there's much of an immediate/surefire approach to tackle any of my problems.

My career situation is basically in a "wait and see" mode. Freelancing takes a LONG time, and I know that. Overnight success is basically unheard of. And yet I'm still impatient as hell.

Same with the friends situation. I'm going to fight to maintain the friendships I have, as weak as the ties may be, and try to make at least 1-2 more friendships with people that I can see on a more frequent basis.

And I hate to say it, but I really think my brother is a big part of my...inferiority complex. He has always been more social and outgoing than me. Always the one who easily got girls and friends, while I always struggled...especially during my teen years. He has a much more impulsive, extroverted personality, while I'm far more introverted and cautious.

But as we all know, one of those sets of personality traits gets reward in society, and one doesn't. Don't get me wrong...I'm proud of my brother and his success. But I just hope I can find the same type of success for myself some day.

 

[Smiley90]

Sure, anything man. I mean as long as things are sorta stable overnight, there's plenty of time for non work related stuff.

Well I'm not saying I still REMEMBER what I learned. Except for the alphabet and a few phrases.

But seriously, learning a language. Or something else "fun" that you were always interested in but couldn't get yourself to do because there were more fun things to do at home.

 

[Smiley90]

Yup this is exactly the sort of thing that would help i think, for a lot of reasons - and just thought of a couple as i was reading that. Just about being more motivated and not falling into crappy habits. I think those kinds of 'projects' would resonate in good ways with the off hours and stuff too. Thanks.

It doesn't have to be a language per se, that was just my example. It can be European history. Programming. Ancient Egypt. Just something you can easily pick up and put down that would benefit from repetition glad my first suggestion resonated so well though!


Also whoa, when my doc said this depression-physical trainer program was 14 sessions he was wrong. It's apparently 3 sessions a week for 14 weeks. All for free. That's... Intense. I think that might be exactly what I need. Hope I can manage.

But seriously, not gonna say no to 42 free personal trainer sessions, that's worth good money.

 

[Pau]

As far as self-learning goes, I've been addicted to Khan Academy for the past week. Brushing up on Calc I before starting my Calc 2 class this Monday. Gonna try to do their Programming lessons next!

 

[Pau]

I think I'm loosing it.

I've haven't eaten for two days and I'm feeling depressed because I can't find a girlfriend. All I've done for the past two days is slept or walked around in circles in my room. I am trapped, have no self esteem and no courage to talk to women.

I feel ashamed to look family members in the eye. I have effectively barricaded myself in my room for two days and counting.

I can't go out in public or the gym because I see men conversing with women or young couples on the streets. It enrages me and makes me feel desperate, sad, pathetic and lonely. Why can people my age find a girlfiend with ease? Why can't I even look at a girl and say "hi"?

I am in tears as I type this, my head is spinning and I'm going insane like an asylum patient.

Shall I take another diazepam? WHAT DO I DO? PLEASE HELP.

I saw your post in the other thread. Go see a therapist. But keep this in mind:

A girlfriend isn't a reward or necessity. Start thinking about them as people instead of as something you need.

How are you with people in general? Can you look at a guy and say hi? Treat women the way you would treat people because that's what they are. Don't think of every woman you see as a potential girlfriend and only see your interactions with them in that light. Takes the pressure off of interacting with them, and you'll realize that talking to them is just like talking to other people.

Realize that other people (including women!) can also feel lonely, desperate, sad, pathetic, and angry. You are not alone in this, and many people work through these feelings in ways that are healthy.

 

[cartesian]

Hey everyone, I just thought I'd say hi and introduce myself.

I suffer from fairly 'straightforward' (as if such things ever really are!) clinical depression. I've seen a counsellor, then a psychiatrist, completed a course of fluoxetine, visited another counsellor, then started citalopram, saw another psychiatrist, had my citalopram dosage upped, then more counselling... I've been around the block, sadly!

I'm 22 years old and this has been part of my life since my mid-teens, so it's nothing new for me. The past couple of months have been complicated, but I've slowly started to come to terms with the fact that depression is part of my life and part of who I am, and that I can learn to accept it instead of pretending I can totally ignore it.

I'll say more about more own condition and experience another time, as I've gotta get some work done this evening and fortunately I'm feeling okay at the moment so I don't want to distract attention from anyone else's stories. In any case, I want to try and chip in to offer support when I can!

How do you guys deal with massive regret?

I'm 27 years old and regret basically my entire life after the age of 13.

High school was almost an entire waste. I didn't apply myself to anything, never joined any clubs, never played any sports, never even attempted to get out of my comfort zone. I was essentially a shut-in for most of my 9th, 10th, and 11th grade years. The only saving grace is that I got a girlfriend my senior year and managed to live a somewhat normal high school existence for one year. That's the only thing that prevented my high school career from being a total failure.

Because I'm fairly introverted and not very open to meeting new people, I never bothered to make other friends at school, so now I'm left with virtually no one to hang out with. I tried making friends at my last job, and I even went out with them quite a few times, but I was always the "backup" friend compared to their true circles of friends. I never really moved past the acquaintance stage with any of them.

I have a lot of empathy with this, sadly, as I've been in a vaguely similar position to you. I squandered the last years of my teens and my time at university, and I really quite bitterly regret the way I mangled my social life and neglected my family.

I don't know if regret ever truly goes away completely, but the passage of time really does help smooth the scars and put things back into perspective. It often turns out that even very big mistakes aren't permanent disasters. You can't get those days back, but you can definitely ensure that you will look back fondly on the days to come.

In my experience, the best solution to 'regret' (whatever it is you regret) is to put the past in the past by making plans for the future, to build a new life that enables you to move on from the old. Maybe sit down and try and think about what would make your future a happy one, what you would like to do with your life, and to start putting together a shopping list, a sort of plan to make it happen.

I've got a huge laundry list of things I want to do with the next few years, and I actually keep a quick-entry list on my phone so that whenever I think of anything or see anything which strikes me as a fun idea, I add it to my list to return to later on. Capture all the good ideas you come across and integrate them into the future you! Whenever I feel down, I can look at that list and remind myself of all the interesting things I'm looking forward to doing.

I'm an absolute villain for dwelling in the past and trying to remake the good old days - but I'm really learning to prioritise the future instead.

 

[~Kinggi~]

Realize there is nothing to regret. Just like a mentally disabled person won't become president, some people won't become happy, or have friends. When you accept that fact, regret doesn't even enter into it. You can then embrace the pure rage!

 

[parakeet]

Mania is arguably the worst feeling. You can't do anything but wait to get better and go back to your life. You really don't want to go on Facebook and it is a waiting game. Spend time on gaf and talk about stuff

 

[MisterLuffy]

I always tease my niece, in two months she'll be a year old. There are times where I'm bothered by her cries and other time where I enjoy it. I feel like a prick when I tease such as taking something away from her when she wants to play with it. Or when I bother her too much that causes her to cry. For some reason I can't stop acting like a prick to her since I do feel bad teasing her. After reflecting on what I did, I don't want to be a father in the future. I guess the reason for my actions is that I want her to hate me.....that's been on my mind....because I hate myself so much.

 

[parakeet]

I always tease my niece, in two months she'll be a year old. There are times where I'm bothered by her cries and other time where I enjoy it. I feel like a prick when I tease such as taking something away from her when she wants to play with it. Or when I bother her too much that causes her to cry. For some reason I can't stop acting like a prick to her since I do feel bad teasing her. After reflecting on what I did, I don't want to be a father in the future. I guess the reason for my actions is that I want her to hate me.....that's been on my mind....because I hate myself so much.

I like your name.

 

[Authority]

Nah, no family or close friends.

A large part of me feels guilty because I think my extensive drug usage may have contributed to this.

Why did you start drugs in the first place?

 

[jb1234]

I'm just completely overwhelmed right now by the feelings that everyone fucking hates me. It's a disease. No matter how much I work on my issues (as much as I'm capable of doing so, given my extreme physical handicaps), there's always something that I can't control, especially when the pain is really bad. And I try so hard not to piss anyone off because I've done it in the past and I'm extremely aware of it. But those efforts just cause me to overthink. It seems like every conversation I find myself in, my mind is racing.

"Am I saying the right thing? Does this person love me? Does this person hate me now? Am I loved? Am I being needy? Am I being distant? Are you going to abandon me like he did? THINK THINK OBSESS OBSESS WORRY WORRY."

It's driving me fucking crazy. Half the time, I just don't know where I stand with people, even when they claim that they care about me. My brain tells me that I'm so vile and so unlovable that words often mean nothing. I find myself fighting the impulse to ask more from people than they're prepared to give just because my own life is so hopeless and meaningless. Always trying to fill that void, even if the end results are damaging.

I'm just so unhappy. I'm sitting here in front of my desk crying because nothing can change.

 

[Authority]

I'm just completely overwhelmed right now by the feelings that everyone fucking hates me. It's a disease. No matter how much I work on my issues (as much as I'm capable of doing so, given my extreme physical handicaps), there's always something that I can't control, especially when the pain is really bad. And I try so hard not to piss anyone off because I've done it in the past and I'm extremely aware of it. But those efforts just cause me to overthink. It seems like every conversation I find myself in, my mind is racing.

"Am I saying the right thing? Does this person love me? Does this person hate me now? Am I loved? Am I being needy? Am I being distant? Are you going to abandon me like he did? THINK THINK OBSESS OBSESS WORRY WORRY."

It's driving me fucking crazy. Half the time, I just don't know where I stand with people, even when they claim that they care about me. My brain tells me that I'm so vile and so unlovable that words often mean nothing. I find myself fighting the impulse to ask more from people than they're prepared to give just because my own life is so hopeless and meaningless. Always trying to fill that void, even if the end results are damaging.

I'm just so unhappy. I'm sitting here in front of my desk crying because nothing can change.

People are people. You do not owe or own them and they don't owe or own you. If they care about you deal with it and accept it because no one does anything out of pity. That is a piss-poor excuse to hide the good intention behind it.

And where is your ego by the way? When your mind is telling you of how useless you are why you don't say anything? Don't you get sick and tired hearing the same broken record?

Don't you want to wake up one morning and say "Fuck it. I feel good."?

And you can only do as much as you want to do. There is no limit, the limit is you.

Are you crying out of sadness or out of guilt?

 

[jb1234]

People are people. You do not owe or own them and they don't owe or own you. If they care about you deal with it and accept it because no one does anything out of pity. That is a piss-poor excuse to hide the good intention behind it.

And where is your ego by the way? When your mind is telling you of how useless you are why you don't say anything? Don't you get sick and tired hearing the same broken record?

Don't you want to wake up one morning and say "Fuck it. I feel good."?

And you can only do as much as you want to do. There is no limit, the limit is you.

Are you crying out of sadness or out of guilt?

On one hand, I guess I should be thankful that someone bothered to reply to that (even though I wasn't expecting it). On the other, you really don't have enough information to give advice on my situation and your post is mostly a combination of ignorance and platitudes.

I'm crying because I'm devastated that I have a crushing physical illness which inflicts so much pain and fatigue that I can't get out of bed a lot of the time. I've lost everything, all sense of purpose. My career, my future. So when you say there is no limit, you're very, very wrong. There are always limits, especially when you're sick.

You also don't seem to have a great deal of knowledge on clinical depression as a whole. This broken record that you mention isn't something that can be controlled on a whim. When the brain malfunctions, it's over until it can regain control of itself. While worded slightly more carefully, you're basically just saying "man up" to me. Do you realize how fucking insulting that is?

This is a thread filled with people who are very sick, mostly mentally but also some of us physically as well. The next time you post in it, I would advise you to do your research first.

 

[Smiley90]

On one hand, I guess I should be thankful that someone bothered to reply to that (even though I wasn't expecting it). On the other, you really don't have enough information to give advice on my situation and your post is mostly a combination of ignorance and platitudes.

I'm crying because I'm devastated that I have a crushing physical illness which inflicts so much pain and fatigue that I can't get out of bed a lot of the time. I've lost everything, all sense of purpose. My career, my future. So when you say there is no limit, you're very, very wrong. There are always limits, especially when you're sick.

You also don't seem to have a great deal of knowledge on clinical depression as a whole. This broken record that you mention isn't something that can be controlled on a whim. When the brain malfunctions, it's over until it can regain control of itself. While worded slightly more carefully, you're basically just saying "man up" to me. Do you realize how fucking insulting that is?

This is a thread filled with people who are very sick, mostly mentally but also some of us physically as well. The next time you post in it, I would advise you to do your research first.

You know me, I also suffer from chronic incurable health issues. Not as much pain usually, but you get it. We talk often. You're a good person. There's a reason I talk to you and it's not because I'm a masochist, but because I actually enjoy it. You don't have to believe me, but it's true.

And I'm not gonna pretend you're ever suddenly gonna wake up one day and feel great. Because that won't happen. But I know that you also won't forever wake up feeling like this. Hopeless. There is always hope, once you realize for yourself that you have to set the bar lower than others. And that's ridiculously hard to accept and obviously quite painful.

 

[Authority]

On one hand, I guess I should be thankful that someone bothered to reply to that (even though I wasn't expecting it). On the other, you really don't have enough information to give advice on my situation and your post is mostly a combination of ignorance and platitudes.

I'm crying because I'm devastated that I have a crushing physical illness which inflicts so much pain and fatigue that I can't get out of bed a lot of the time. I've lost everything, all sense of purpose. My career, my future. So when you say there is no limit, you're very, very wrong. There are always limits, especially when you're sick.

You also don't seem to have a great deal of knowledge on clinical depression as a whole. This broken record that you mention isn't something that can be controlled on a whim. When the brain malfunctions, it's over until it can regain control of itself. While worded slightly more carefully, you're basically just saying "man up" to me. Do you realize how fucking insulting that is?

This is a thread filled with people who are very sick, mostly mentally but also some of us physically as well. The next time you post in it, I would advise you to do your research first.

There is nothing man up about it. The world doesn't end like that. As long as you are alive there is hope. It is difficult, it takes time but it is there. If you are not willing to accept that then it is up to you. If there is a will there is a way. Easy to say it, hard to do but life is never easy.

I never said that it is supereasy but you lose something and you gain something. If you can work on your that it will happen; hence the ego question. I am not patronizing you for feeling that way. I am encouraging you to bring your ego out, think of your personal achievements and light your own fire to help you through with your situation.