Lionheart1827
Member
Hmmm I'm not sure. I applied in store 11 years ago. Back then online apps weren't as common as they are now.
Yes do this.
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Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
- Thread starter Bagels
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Hmmm I'm not sure. I applied in store 11 years ago. Back then online apps weren't as common as they are now.
Yes do this.
Wow, that's expensive. Which city are you going to be living in? I pay ~$300 for a room that's 10-15 minutes drive away from the city centre. That's in the second biggest city in the UK.
Congrats on the job btw.
General question but has anyone in here been on Queitiapine, or better known as Seroquel? Been on 200mg a day split between 100mg in the morning and 100 in the evening and it knocks me out cold, wondering if this is something you get used to (been about a month now). I hope so because I wake up at 7, have my dose and just fall back to sleep within and hour or so, I try to stop it but its just inevitable, the drugs are really powerful.
EverythingShiny
Member
I saw a nurse practitioner today. She talked to me for nearly 90 minutes and has put me on trileptal since she thinks that, along with my anxiety, I do have some bipolar symptoms. I took lamictal for several years in college but thought those days were behind me and I didn't need mood stabilizers anymore. I guess not.
Feeling pretty bummed about it since I haven't been on meds for nearly 4 years.
Has anyone else taken this before? I did ok on lamictal but if I missed a dose the side effects were terribad.
Feeling pretty bummed about it since I haven't been on meds for nearly 4 years.
Has anyone else taken this before? I did ok on lamictal but if I missed a dose the side effects were terribad.
HOMEBOY OVER HERE
Banned
I'm feeling lonely. I wish I had more close friends. I've recently burned bridges with many superficial people along with no longer spending times at clubs and rock shows. I'm done with that crowd. My life feels so empty right now though. I feel like I don't relate to anyone and I hate that. I only now have a few close friends. I'm even growing a bit distant from them too. I just feel lonely and lost and I wish things would progress faster. I don't feel hopeless. I know this is only temporary. I still wish it was easier to find and make close friends on the reg. I've gone several days without being social at all and it's driving me crazy. how do people spend so much time without little social interaction?
StickSoldier
Member
WOOOOO weeeee, talk about a weird month of April guys... I just got out of jail yesterday, finally, after a month locked up. My world was turned upside and I got slapped by Jesus to get me back to reality. All these ridiculous stress factors in my life that have caused me to be living hell on Earth are freaking gone!
Severe anxiety, depression, OCD, Bipolar, you name it, I had em all. I used to stare in the mirror hours upon hours and cry about how I looked. I used to get on WebMD and diagnose myself until I would convince myself I had cancer. I was terrified to look in peoples eyes and to be surrounded. I thought my head was the size of a tower. I hated everybody and everything and wanted to die. Not anymore. It's like all my worries are gone! That voice in my head that controlled my life is gone. I don't even feel like the same person. I honestly feel stress free, even though I'm poor of material things, my spirit hasn't felt like this since I played Mario Kart on the SNES as a young boy.
And not only is my mental state of mind different, my body feels completely different. I used to be hunched over, I couldn't hear, I was congested, I had a belly that made me look pregnant, my eyesight was dark all the time, and I felt as if my body was breaking down. Now, I'm standing up like a tree has been lifted off my back, my body is relaxed, I see light as I've never seen it before, I can hear so much better, and I've already lost like 40 lbs of fat that was accumulated around my waist section.
I honestly can say I never have felt better physically and emotionally in probably 17 years (I'm 25, fixing to be 26). My life has been saved... I have self control that I never thought possible. Its like a miracle.
Severe anxiety, depression, OCD, Bipolar, you name it, I had em all. I used to stare in the mirror hours upon hours and cry about how I looked. I used to get on WebMD and diagnose myself until I would convince myself I had cancer. I was terrified to look in peoples eyes and to be surrounded. I thought my head was the size of a tower. I hated everybody and everything and wanted to die. Not anymore. It's like all my worries are gone! That voice in my head that controlled my life is gone. I don't even feel like the same person. I honestly feel stress free, even though I'm poor of material things, my spirit hasn't felt like this since I played Mario Kart on the SNES as a young boy.
And not only is my mental state of mind different, my body feels completely different. I used to be hunched over, I couldn't hear, I was congested, I had a belly that made me look pregnant, my eyesight was dark all the time, and I felt as if my body was breaking down. Now, I'm standing up like a tree has been lifted off my back, my body is relaxed, I see light as I've never seen it before, I can hear so much better, and I've already lost like 40 lbs of fat that was accumulated around my waist section.
I honestly can say I never have felt better physically and emotionally in probably 17 years (I'm 25, fixing to be 26). My life has been saved... I have self control that I never thought possible. Its like a miracle.
MisterLuffy
Member
I went on MAL to look at Casual Discussion Thread, and there is one called "What's your opinion about people who "self-loath"?" At first I didn't know what the term meant. I read through the OP's response as well as other responses, it means people who complain about themselves like "I hate myself", "I'm a failure", it's people who constantly share their problems with people. Some people generally hate it when people are like that, and I fall into that category because I keep saying this thread that "I hate myself". They also said that despite supporting them and giving options to fix their problem, they still fall back into depression. I want to know what you guys think about it? Even though I do want people reply to my post, I like to post my problems to blow some steam. And there some who stated that people need to man up. In my opinion (you guys can chime in and tell me otherwise), I don't think it's the best way to say it.
It may feel empty to you at the moment, but the fact you made drastic change already tells me that you're keen to get closer to the life you want. Overtime, I too cut ties with people that were not suitable for me, and were only holding back my development as a human being. To this day, it has certainly been quieter for me socially, but if given the choice again, I'd still do it. I still have my problems, but I may not have progressed at all, if I kept those negative influences around.
As for making genuinely close friends, that is a tough one to make happen for anyone. I get what you mean though, I've known people that have been able to make friends rather quickly, and it makes me scratch my head. As making any friendships entirely on my own is still very difficult, but I'm still pursuing various help, so I hope that is one of the key areas I can improve.
In regards to dealing with little interaction, I sometimes end up going months at a time without having a proper conversation in the flesh with anyone, outside of family and professional relationships. I guess the way I deal with it is by absorbing myself into different activities. Engrossing myself to the point were I'm not thinking about much else. But if you really need that active social life back, there are ways you can put yourself out there. Groups based on your interests, group therapy (if you want something social, and address issues), and services like meetup.com have become quite popular.
I wouldn't put sharing your problems under the self-loathing category. As doing so isn't always in a complaining/venting manner. If anything, it is quite healthy and constructive to do. Especially when you engage with others that able to relate and understand, and can give you good feedback on the issues you bring up. The ones that keep everything bottled up only cause themselves further problems, as far as I'm concerned.
As for "fixing" problems, if you have long-term mental health issues, there isn't any quick fix for that. No ones single piece of advice is going to cure all the internal problems of another. I guess it could be annoying though, if someone were to self-deprecate on a regular basis, and show no signs of wanting to actually change. And were any advice you take the time to give is simply disregarded irrationally, due to the person being closed minded about the possibility of things improving. And any commentary along the lines of "man up" is the worst input possible.
If I could just ask for some advice:
My fiancé has been suffering from severe anxiety for around 6 years, and over the past one year has been suffering from depression, having detailed suicidal thoughts, that sort of thing.
Tried the NHS for treatment and not had much luck. Passing her around on tablets that did harm short term and not much difference long term, and they eventually recommended group councilling (which she doesn't want). However, she doesn't want to take tablets anymore either, as she feels they are making her even worse.
Our next step is to hire a private councillor. I was hoping if someone could let me know if they're any good, and what to keep an eye out for? Or is their a different and more effective way? I realise that it's different for everybody and no two people respond the same, but I just want to know what's best for the missus!
My fiancé has been suffering from severe anxiety for around 6 years, and over the past one year has been suffering from depression, having detailed suicidal thoughts, that sort of thing.
Tried the NHS for treatment and not had much luck. Passing her around on tablets that did harm short term and not much difference long term, and they eventually recommended group councilling (which she doesn't want). However, she doesn't want to take tablets anymore either, as she feels they are making her even worse.
Our next step is to hire a private councillor. I was hoping if someone could let me know if they're any good, and what to keep an eye out for? Or is their a different and more effective way? I realise that it's different for everybody and no two people respond the same, but I just want to know what's best for the missus!
Sorry to hear your fiancé has been having a rough time. Both anxiety, and depression can make daily life a drag to get through. I couldn't give you any advice about private services, but I can give some insight into the NHS process.
Providing you live in, or are near a decent sized town, there should be some sort of mental health centre in your area. Have a search, and see if one shows up. If one does, it will usually list what services they offer, and inform you of the process in order to be seen there (typically just a GP referral is needed) My own GP didn't bother telling me at the time either, and also attempted to pass me off to paid counselling, so you're not alone there. I'd recommend it, as seeing a therapist frequently can improve your well-being overall. But the catch is that the wait to be seen can be pretty lengthy. It was around a 5 month wait for me, but it varies.
It shouldn't be that way, but it is. Thanks to all the cuts. So I can totally understand if you do go private, as it ensures she will be seen very quickly. I hope someone else can chime in about that for you.
MisterLuffy
Member
When I keep sharing my problems with my friend, she told me that there isn't a shortcut to make our life better. We have to work hard to reach for a better life. She's trying to make me see it, despite me turning away and go back to feeling negative. I really want to change myself, but it takes a lot of effort. If I can't work hard to reach for better life, I'll be stuck where I am today. I don't think I want to repeat the same process with her since she's telling me that there are no excuses to be lazy or not motivated to get a job, exercising, etc. I'm glad she's there to help me, but at the same time she's telling me that I have to help myself to get anywhere in life.
Yeah, thanks for taking the time man.
We got referred by the GP to a clinic in Birmingham, where she spoke to a nurse there. Who then sent her back to the GP again. She's going back next week, but she isn't optimistic. If she feels like she's still getting nowhere, we're going to have to try and find the money to go private.
One week is an awful time to wait with this illness, let alone five months. I hope everything worked out for you dude.
Edit: and also to throw it out there, if anyone is suffering from depression, see a doctor. It's an actual illness - you can't just "put a smile on and find your own way out". Get medical attention for yourself as soon as possible.
I had that too, it never really went away. I was on the lowest possible dose (75 mg I think) and my psychiatrist said it was impossible to have those side effects so severely, but yeah... I was very thin back then.
Why are you taking it split? Is that a recommendation from the doc? From what I remember it was a drug that would work for 24 hours. I always had to take it before going to bed.
Sidewinder
Member
Congratulations man, guess it feels like you've been born again?
Hope I'll get there some day too, right now every day it's just getting worse, no miracle in sight.
Im gonna call my doc on monday because this is impairing, it wasnt recommended by him but by a psychiatrist I went to see for a consultation, he gave the recommendation to my doctor and here we are. There is like a 4-5r hour period in the day when im not tired now, all other times im knocked out.
In that case you should definitely get in touch with your doctor and tell him that this is a major problem. Side effects so severe that you actually find them outright impairing typically aren't considered acceptable unless there are some very good reasons.
I double-checked the Swedish guidelines and we only administer Seroquel in split doses when either treating severe manic episodes in bipolar patients, when that sedative effect is actually helpful, or as maintenance treatment for bipolar patients between episodes, but in the latter case kept at the lowest effective dosage.
Seroquel is used for depressive episodes in bipolar patients too but then it's only administered once a day - before bedtime. We also use Seroquel Depot - but not standard Seroquel - as an additive in treatment of unipolar depression, but then it's also given as a single dose before bedtime.
Of course guidelines differ from country to country so this isn't word of God.
EDIT: On a slightly humorous note I just realized the reason why I immediately recognized Serqouel but had to look up Quetiapine (despite both being based on quetipin which technically makes Quetiapine a better name to remember): it's because I'm studying medicine in Gothenburg. Something else that is located in Gothenburg: AstraZeneca. Now guess which of the two drugs AstraZeneca developed. Patriotic favoritism can be so blatant sometimes.
HOMEBOY OVER HERE
Banned
Thanks for the response. It's nice to hear another point of view and thanks for the encouraging words.
I will never understand how I always have one or two friends that seems to know a ton of people and have a ton of healthy relationships.
Oh well, I'm still thankful for what I have though. Will try out meetup and start volunteering again. Focus on useful hobbies and crafts.
No worries. It may have been five months for me, but it could be less for her. Just depends on how well funded/staffed your area happens to be. Once you get referred from the GP, you would then be given an appointment for the review process, which is carried out by some form of therapist. It's basically an information gathering exercise from them, that lasts around an hour. So most of it is you answering their series of questions. I actually had to have it twice, in case my circumstances had changed, since I was on the waiting list for so long. But I don't think that's common.
I think it would be worth doing. Even if you do pursue more immediate options now, it can still be something good to have in place later on. Doesn't take much time, especially if she has a GP appointment coming up anyway. And the best case scenario is that she vastly improves, and can be taken off the list. But that is just my thoughts.
No problem. It sounds like you already have a decent idea on what you need to do, so I reckon you'll be fine. I'd like to end up doing some volunteering in the short-term myself. It's just tricky to know where to start, since there is so many options, and I'm not exactly sure what I want, or should be doing. And having the confidence/belief in your ability to actually do it is a big problem of its own too.
MisterLuffy
Member
Thanks Humbugs and Colin for replying my post, I should've thank others for replying to my post too. MAL stands for MyAnimeList.
Polydeuces
Member
I said to myself today was gonna be a break day away from schoolwork. But I still kept on thinking about my 2nd test coming up. It's on thursday but I also need to catch up on my other class and etc. I know practice makes perfect but sometimes I feel like im just memorizing things and when I get tested on something that is completely different in wording but same in concepts I just freeze up. Hopefully tomorrow Im more calmer...
I know it's probably the worst idea in the world, but I finally gave myself permission to stop being responsible and getting full on drunk.
I never do this so please understand that.
Yes it's the worst idea in the world.. at least I'm made attempts to patch up problems with friends I've had issues with in the past.
Hope everyone has a better day that needs it.
I never do this so please understand that.
Yes it's the worst idea in the world.. at least I'm made attempts to patch up problems with friends I've had issues with in the past.
Hope everyone has a better day that needs it.
I had this weird moment the other day. I took the bus by myself for the first time in almost two years. I was quite happy with myself. I thought "things are gonna be better," then I expected life to just cut to my future, where I'm happy and anxiety isn't a problem. I guess I've been watching too much TV. I remembered after about two seconds that life doesn't work that way.
My sleep schedule's been going off course again. It's only 1 AM here but I feel like I should be in bed. Tomorrow -or today, rather - I'm supposed to start bringing more structure to my life. Getting into a routine, doing more stuff around the house and taking care of any tasks related to anxiety. I've spent so long being lethargic, I'm not sure how difficult it's going to be adjusting to a real schedule. Even if the schedule I'm making is relatively simple at this point. But hey, we'll see where this leads. And at least I was able to finish my binge watching of Star Was: The Clone Wars
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My sleep schedule's been going off course again. It's only 1 AM here but I feel like I should be in bed. Tomorrow -or today, rather - I'm supposed to start bringing more structure to my life. Getting into a routine, doing more stuff around the house and taking care of any tasks related to anxiety. I've spent so long being lethargic, I'm not sure how difficult it's going to be adjusting to a real schedule. Even if the schedule I'm making is relatively simple at this point. But hey, we'll see where this leads. And at least I was able to finish my binge watching of Star Was: The Clone Wars
.Anyone who is chronically ill and no longer able to work will tell you that the absolute worst part of the whole thing is all that time to kill. To make it a little easier on myself, I sleep eleven hours a day but even then, there's still thirteen hours looming ahead, each and every day.
It's not a dream come true, to do whatever you want. For one thing, there's no money and I'm largely confined to the apartment. It's not fun playing video games all day. It's not fun watching television all day or whatever I have to do to pass the time. It's stifling. It's dehumanizing. And worst of all, it's lonely as fuck. I'm one of the lucky ones, in that I have a lot of really wonderful people looking out for me, texting me and generally keeping me company. But even with that, each day is almost exactly the same with the only variables being which person I talked to, whose life did I make (hopefully) a little bit better?
They don't give you a book on making meaning out of life when it's been this shackled. I'm just expected to muddle through and frankly, there are times when I do a shit job at it. Just like anyone else, I want to be loved. I want to believe that I'm important to people, that I matter. I often doubt this. I've seen how quick people can be to abandon me and I've seen the other extreme too, people so goddamned loyal that almost nothing I'm able to do will scare them away. And I can be a real asshole when I'm in pain. I guess that's universal.
It's 4:50 AM now and I'm preparing to go to bed for many, many hours. It's getting light outside. A little later than my usual bedtime but the television kept me up, doing its usual thing. Sunday will be like Saturday, which was like Friday, which was like Thursday and so on. Some people would call this fucked up. I just call it life.
It's not a dream come true, to do whatever you want. For one thing, there's no money and I'm largely confined to the apartment. It's not fun playing video games all day. It's not fun watching television all day or whatever I have to do to pass the time. It's stifling. It's dehumanizing. And worst of all, it's lonely as fuck. I'm one of the lucky ones, in that I have a lot of really wonderful people looking out for me, texting me and generally keeping me company. But even with that, each day is almost exactly the same with the only variables being which person I talked to, whose life did I make (hopefully) a little bit better?
They don't give you a book on making meaning out of life when it's been this shackled. I'm just expected to muddle through and frankly, there are times when I do a shit job at it. Just like anyone else, I want to be loved. I want to believe that I'm important to people, that I matter. I often doubt this. I've seen how quick people can be to abandon me and I've seen the other extreme too, people so goddamned loyal that almost nothing I'm able to do will scare them away. And I can be a real asshole when I'm in pain. I guess that's universal.
It's 4:50 AM now and I'm preparing to go to bed for many, many hours. It's getting light outside. A little later than my usual bedtime but the television kept me up, doing its usual thing. Sunday will be like Saturday, which was like Friday, which was like Thursday and so on. Some people would call this fucked up. I just call it life.
Have you ever thought of picking up a study? Something you can do from the home mostly? But that would have you use whatever part of you that is still working? Lately I've had problems that cause me not being able to do what I want physically. For me it's only temporary, but I got a small feel of the frustration you must be feeling all the time.
I have been on Quietapine for about 8 years now. It was originally prescribed because I was having an episode of auditory hallucinations as the result of a breakdown caused by a mixture of bad mental health and recreational drugs. I take 200mg a night now, along with 20mg Citalopram.
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I have had an absolutely shitty couple of weeks. My father tried to commit suicide, partially as a result of some mild criminal activity which he is now paying for and doesn't want to. My partner is near crippled with arthritis and currently doesn't have the use of her wrists. I've been going through a really difficult depressive episode too; my self-esteem is lower than its been in years. Spent all of last night crying; I think I fell asleep while tears were still coming out. Didn't self harm though (apart from punching my legs a few times). And now I've got a business trip tomorrow night. Sigh.
This is why I went on something else. It worked really well, but I couldn't deal with the weight gain and the constant need for sleep. I'd get home from work, fall asleep, wake up at like 11pm, take my next dose, and fall back asleep until morning.
I've had much better luck with Abilify and Saphris.
I do still have a half bottle of 400s left for when I have trouble sleeping
LittleBoots
Member
Sometimes I feel like it's ironic because I'm my own worst enemy. I feel like I'm a slave to my own thoughts and no one who's not afflicted with a mood disorder really understands that. It's not something I can get out of, or run away from. That's probably why I'm so afraid to be alone. When I have distractions around me to keep me focused and occupied, especially through social interaction, it prevents me from making myself go crazy and manic or in a mixed state.
Do you have any hobbies you could get into throughout the day? I like to draw, but that leaves me to think and get lost in my own world while I'm drawing, so that isn't always a good pastime for me. I love to build with legos and make collages. That's a bit more demanding as far as focus goes. Another great thing for me is going out into a social environment. I'll go to Barnes and Noble, look at books, and maybe have tea and read a magazine. Just being around people puts me more at ease. That and it forces me to remain calm because I cannot go manic around people.
I can also relate to feeling lonely. I'm not the kind of person who has a large amount of friends. I only have a small amount of very close friends. However, my best friend is moving all the way to Texas soon, and my brother is moving across the country for college. That leaves me feeling really worried about what I'm going to do and how I'm going to feel when they leave.
I know exactly how you feel. When I have nothing to keep me stimulated, it's a recipe for disaster. I have obsessive and racing thoughts that make me go insane. I've only had a part time job, and my hours aren't even set in stone. But even when I'm at work, I'm left alone to twiddle my thumbs. I'm a home health aide, and a lot of time the client I take care of doesn't need constant care. They're all suffering from dementia, so most of the time, they can't carry on conversation. I only have a few household duties to do at their house. That leaves me a lot of time to daydream, and that's dangerous for me. At least I have school to look forward to this fall. I'll be a full time nursing students. That will be a demanding and stimulating environment. But until then, I'm kind of stuck.
Do you have any hobbies you could get into throughout the day? I like to draw, but that leaves me to think and get lost in my own world while I'm drawing, so that isn't always a good pastime for me. I love to build with legos and make collages. That's a bit more demanding as far as focus goes. Another great thing for me is going out into a social environment. I'll go to Barnes and Noble, look at books, and maybe have tea and read a magazine. Just being around people puts me more at ease. That and it forces me to remain calm because I cannot go manic around people.
I can also relate to feeling lonely. I'm not the kind of person who has a large amount of friends. I only have a small amount of very close friends. However, my best friend is moving all the way to Texas soon, and my brother is moving across the country for college. That leaves me feeling really worried about what I'm going to do and how I'm going to feel when they leave.
Before I retired, I was a professional pianist so I try to stick with that as much as I can. I write music, play pieces for myself when I feel up to it. I study music too, score in hand. That kills some time. I love movies, television, video games. That kills more. But being alone doing all of these things is a killer for me. And sometimes (like today), the pain is so bad that I'm basically nonfunctional and I just lie around. That alone makes it nearly impossible to schedule anything. I haven't been to a concert or anything that requires scheduling ahead of time in years.
I wish I could take an online course or something but I don't think I'd be able to keep up with the workload and money's pretty tight, being on disability. I'm really one of those people who needs to be busy, all the time. I thrived the most in college when I had a very set schedule and wouldn't get home until after 10 pm most days. It was awesome and terrifying. Now, I'm living the exact opposite of that. It's not the life I want, by a long shot but it's the only one I have. I'm just trying to make it at least tolerable.
MisterLuffy
Member
I really hate when I waste my time on the internet, but don't do anything about it. Like going outside to walk or exercise, studying programming, or finding a job. I know I'm lazy, and feel like crap when I play more than one video game and watch streams all day. I do realize that, but at the same time I'm not doing anything about it. It's like I want to punch myself in the face because I can't stay like this forever. I'm not sure if I stated my reason on why I don't feel like getting a job, but here's why...I'm picky. I'm not the guy who doesn't care what job he works at as long as he receives decent amount of pay. I'm the guy who chooses a job of my interest. I really wish I could discard this type of mindset, and go with the mindset of "I don't care where I work, as long as I'm working and earning money".
LittleBoots
Member
I'd call the crisis call center if you get to the point like you really need to. Sometimes I just need someone to talk to, and other times I just want someone to listen. They're not only there to help those who are suicidal. They can also help when you feel like you're just going crazy and can't take it anymore. That's normally the reason why I call them. It's usually due to me going manic over in a mixed state over something, and I need someone to help me calm down. And if you feel like you might eventually need to go to the hospital to get professional help, start planning out how you'll go about doing that. I hope you have a good psychiatrist and therapist to confide in.
I'm looking forward to be a full time student again for the same reason. I'll be so engrossed in my studies and will be so busy during clinicals, I won't have time to daydream or get lost in my own thoughts. It sucks when you're a slave to your own mind. There's just no way to get out of it. The best you can do is try to tune it out somehow.
There may be some short online courses that are free online. And I think groupon and livingsocial.com sometimes have discounts for certain online classes or even art and music classes.
I wish I was that way too. I'm starting to believe more and more that I'm the kind of person who has to love her job in order to not be miserable. But I don't think there are many people out there who are really happy with just having a mundane job that pays the bills. It's okay to be picky in choosing a career, especially if your emotional well-being is going to depend on it. I'm still trying to figure out what route to take. Some people go their entire lives wondering what career path to take. It's never too late to start over and take a new path.
Polydeuces
Member
Have you tried forgiving yourself for doing these things? Do at least one thing that will make you think you are making progress. Take it slow and try to be positive at this point.
I'm in the same boat as you but im currently in summer school. The ongoing thoughts about me feeling guilty not studying and when I do study I still feel guilty but not studying the right things.
MisterLuffy
Member
I'm majoring in Computer Science, but I might change my major depending on this fall semester. So I'm still deciding which career I'm leaning towards despite not doing research on a major. I'm too lazy studying and doing java. I don't want a retail job, I want a career. I keep hearing about internet, hospital, and other kinds of bills. And it makes me feel bad that I can't support my family.
I can't. It bothers me that I'm not doing anything productive. I have all the time I need to study programming. But I waste time as usual on internet. I barely play video games because not having a job discourages me to play. Especially trying to get into playing fighting games by practicing for hours. Doesn't matter what I do, I still waste time every single day. I hope down the road I can forgive myself.
I don't have a great deal of success tuning my own mind and insecurities out. I've become so acutely aware that I'm the least funny person among my group of very funny friends. Whenever people are giggling and telling jokes, I'm just trying to compete. And I fail, every time. I'm not a comic, I'm a musician and my brand of music is slowly dying in the modern world. And the music that I try to write is universally ignored. It's not needed and I'm not either. I have nothing to hold onto any more and I'm been heading to this place for months now.
marimorimo
Member
You just described exactly how I lived when I was depressed. A day to day that hardly ever changes, so I sleep away 16 hours of the day to forget. I tell myself that today is the day that I stop wasting my time and hop on the internet to look at job sites, but I end up just browsing non-work related sites for hours on end, wasting more time. I had all the time in the world to play video games but had no will or urge to play them, because even if I started a game, I would feel guilty that I was using my time to play games rather than doing something more productive.
Every now and then I would look at job postings but instead of filling me with hope, they just filled me with dread and despair. I felt so numb that I even considered suicide briefly, but decided that was too unfair to the people who loved and supported me.
This went on for a year and a half, but I was finally able to escape from my own self-destructive loop. I realized that it was my own self and dark thoughts that was pulling me back. So here's what I did:
- I looked at job prospects and FORCED myself to apply, do the follow-up calls, and resume/extra document submissions. This seems a no-brainer, but is a big thing for someone depressed and lethargic. As the saying goes, as thousand-mile journey starts with a single step, and I wasn't going anywhere without taking an initial step.
- I learned to accept failure and let it slide. Being passed up on makes you feel like you're worth sh*t, but instead of allowing each failure to slide me deeper down into despair, I started to see it as a learning opportunity. I had a good cry to let out steam after a particulary disastrous interview at a job I really wanted but that learning experience helped me a lot in future interviews.
- I squashed negative thoughts by pretending to be confident and hearkening back to days when I was at the top of my game. Nobody is going to hire you if you don't look positive and confident!
This last thing was a major revelation for me. Before, I approached each interview with a sense of dread and feeling like being measured and found wanting. When I changed my approach by allowing myself to fail, and pushing back negative thoughts by focusing only on the positive, I got instant feedback and was hired almost immediately! And by the way, it was a job that I liked at a pay that satisfied me. I didn't have to "settle."
I hope this helps out somehow.
marimorimo
Member
I have not experienced being shackled by a physical disability, but I am all-too familiar with the loss of self-worth and the monotony of a daily life that never changes.
You want to feel loved and important (as anyone). Have you thought of HOW you can achieve this?
If you want to be loved, YOU have to love.
If you want to be important to people, YOU have to give THEM importance.
It sounds simple but many people live their whole lives oblivious to this simple "formula." It simply means putting the other before yourself. Not rocket science, but it goes against human nature which makes it difficult.
I can vouch that this works 99%. The remaining 1%, the other person is a douchebag and they won't change anyway so it's a waste of effort -- unless you're a really, really good person and a martyr.
You mentioned previously that you feel you are the least un-funny person in your group of friends. So maybe you don't have comedic talent, but isn't there any other way you could contribute to the group? I bet laughing along at others' jokes, backing up their stories, and even something as simple as listening to them would be appreciated and make you a valuable member of the group. Trying to out-joke another person is just your ego talking.
It seems you already have people who love you, which is a big plus. It shouldn't be too hard.
MisterLuffy
Member
About the mistakes, I used to work at Macy's. I made a lot of mistakes there which affected me a lot. The ones stand out the most were customers change tags of purses and I didn't catch that. This happened twice which tells me I haven't learned anything. I had one customer yelled at me because I told him to "hold on" which came out wrong. Then he told me that I need to know my math since he was asking for exact change where at the time I didn't know what he wants. I know I have to forget the mistakes I've made and move on, but I hate making more than one mistake or make the same ones. I've said that I won't work at Macy's again but today I applied online at Macy's. I always get anxieties before and on the day of an interview. Thanks for your reply, it does help and I hope one day I could come out as confident and positive as you.
marimorimo
Member
If it helps, everyone makes mistakes... and I've made incredibly idiotic ones in my life while on the job. In a roomful of executives, even. You'll have to learn to let it slide, "make lemonade from lemons," because it's inevitable that you will make more mistakes in your life. It's impossible to be right all the time and it would be best to accept that you're not as smart/talented/great as you thought you were. That's all an ego-fueled illusion.
A lot of mistakes are actually very good learning experiences. You can twist almost any old failure in a positive light. "I'm now more observant after being duped by customers not once, but twice." "I'm now more careful in communicating and expressing how I come across to customers after a misunderstanding."
Experience is the best teacher, and most recruiters recognize that.
Also, I only pretend to be confident and am one big negative nancy. I just find ways to squash down the doubt and negativity because I know it's a fast way to get nowhere.
im about to punch you in the face.
Not until I got the first punch in you won't.
that's the spirit.
LittleBoots
Member
Well, I guess you can gather from certain responses that this kind of self deprecating demeanor is quite a deterrent. Just try to remember that your friends are your friends for a reason. If they didn't like you or your company, they wouldn't be your friends. That being said, being very outwardly depressed, insecure, and self conscious does in no way draw people to you. It sounds like solely having your friends around you isn't the key in helping you get out of your depression. Unfortunately, there's no any one remedy for this. The hardest part is figuring out what exactly you can do to combat this depression. Sometimes finding the will to do it is a battle in itself.
Booker Dewitt
Member
So I have a problem with this girl, namely being that I like her, she doesn't like me. As illustrated last November by her taking a date to our place of employment while she knew I was working. Since then, she broke up with that dude, and started dating someone who used to be my best friend. We've had varying degrees of positive and negative relations during this period, and this past weekend while her boyfriend was in another state, I wound up taking her to see a band, because know one else could've gone with me. Except, when we had already confirmed it, my friend managed to make his schedule work and I had the displeasure of the girl telling him that I would rather go with her than him. So I fucked up a relationship with one of my friends, with him being frustrated at how much of a hypocrite I am because I've talked plenty of mess about her behind her back to him. We then watched Fault in our Stars after the show, which our fellow employees noticed and commented on to me. She ignored the text I sent today, and with her boyfriend back in town, I just don't know what I am to her.
Even typing this out is hard, because I just feel like a desperate, dirty, and worthless piece of shit. Why can I not just get over her, if she wants a boyfriend who dips on her birthday, doesn't bother getting her Valentine day Cards, why do I have to feel bad about it. I'm only hurting myself, and my friends by still wanting to be with her...but I can't help it. A lot of people have said she doesn't deserve me, that she deserves that dickass, but if I'm letting this get to me so, and having these wants and selfish desires, do I really deserve anything. Why should anyone have to put up with my bullshit. If I spend much of the day angry that two shitty people have someone else to appreciate them, and I have the misguided impression that I'm a "good" person and thus I deserve someone, isn't it my own fault. If I haven't had any semblance of a actual relationship in the ten years I've tried, and there have been close ones, am I not the one fucking up.
I know this shouldn't be bothering me this much, that's theres more to life than this right now...But I haven't been able to get through a course in school for the past three years now, been stuck at the same job, and still live with my parents with moving out nowhere in sight. I just feel like a waste of effort, espeically since I was gifted with a childhood of a upper-middle class family.
Even typing this out is hard, because I just feel like a desperate, dirty, and worthless piece of shit. Why can I not just get over her, if she wants a boyfriend who dips on her birthday, doesn't bother getting her Valentine day Cards, why do I have to feel bad about it. I'm only hurting myself, and my friends by still wanting to be with her...but I can't help it. A lot of people have said she doesn't deserve me, that she deserves that dickass, but if I'm letting this get to me so, and having these wants and selfish desires, do I really deserve anything. Why should anyone have to put up with my bullshit. If I spend much of the day angry that two shitty people have someone else to appreciate them, and I have the misguided impression that I'm a "good" person and thus I deserve someone, isn't it my own fault. If I haven't had any semblance of a actual relationship in the ten years I've tried, and there have been close ones, am I not the one fucking up.
I know this shouldn't be bothering me this much, that's theres more to life than this right now...But I haven't been able to get through a course in school for the past three years now, been stuck at the same job, and still live with my parents with moving out nowhere in sight. I just feel like a waste of effort, espeically since I was gifted with a childhood of a upper-middle class family.
So I thought i'd write some, because it feels a little better.
I currently feel devastated, because of a series of events that all combine to form a giant wall. I'm 2/3s on my way to a bachelor degree, so I got something going for me, but I feel like despite I love what I'm studying, I have no future because of the subject and the fact that I've never been working. I'm 25 years old and never been in an interview even. I have no girlfriend, and on a day to day basis I talk to no one outside of my family (I online chat with friends, but that's mostly it).
The evil cycle is that I consider myself to be a nice person, but I feel like everything is going against me. The sane person (and me sometimes) would say: there are people in far worse positions, and the only one who can change the situation for me is me. But I seem incapable of changing.
I currently feel devastated, because of a series of events that all combine to form a giant wall. I'm 2/3s on my way to a bachelor degree, so I got something going for me, but I feel like despite I love what I'm studying, I have no future because of the subject and the fact that I've never been working. I'm 25 years old and never been in an interview even. I have no girlfriend, and on a day to day basis I talk to no one outside of my family (I online chat with friends, but that's mostly it).
The evil cycle is that I consider myself to be a nice person, but I feel like everything is going against me. The sane person (and me sometimes) would say: there are people in far worse positions, and the only one who can change the situation for me is me. But I seem incapable of changing.
J_Macgrady
Member
It doesn't matter if people have it worse than you because at the end of the day it doesn't mean anything when trying to get your life back together. Also, I know it's hard because I'm still struggling with this myself, but you have to allow yourself to make mistakes and give yourself credit for the small steps. It takes time and believe me I know what it feels like to feel incapable of changing, but just be patient. Life is not a race. I used to think it was, but now I realize that it's my life and I will go at the pace I feel comfortable with long as I'm giving everything an honest effort. What is your major at school?
P.S. I don't really post in this thread too much, but I did lurk while I was dealing with severe mental illnesses in 2012 and 2013 and I just wanted to say that I really like the people here. You all appear to be compassionate and empathetic individuals. If anyone needs someone to talk to you can PM me.
MisterLuffy
Member
I'll take it into consideration that we all make mistakes. But I forgot to mention on the changing tags on the purse part, my coworker told me that it's not an excuse for making that mistake. I remember going in my lunch break, moping on that mistake.
marimorimo
Member
Your co-worker is right. When you're on the job, there are usually no excuses for mistakes. That's why you hear of company presidents being sacked for mistakes made by employees at the bottom of the rung, even though it's not them who directly supervises said employee.
Moping in the bathroom after a ****-up is something that has happened at least once to anyone who has ever worked anywhere. I remember I was literally in tears almost every night after a shift at Subway when I was 19.
Nothing productive has ever resulted from moping about past mistakes. Get it out of your chest and move on. Admit that you made an error, wisen up and prevent it from happening again.
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