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Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
- Thread starter Bagels
- Start date
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smokeandmirrors
Banned
i really need help and i am completely afraid of reaching out to professionals and im afriad of taking medicine again because it ultimately fucked me over in the long run :\
MisterLuffy
Member
Yeah, I should accept it and move on to try not make the same mistake again. I'll try that when I get a job. Usually I lack awareness so I have to fix that. Other than that thanks for taking the time to reply my posts.
LittleBoots
Member
A lot of people your age are in the same situation as you are now as far as worrying about job prospects for the future. Seeing as you'd never had a job and you're 25, I'd suggest to find a part time job. It doesn't necessarily have to do with your major, although, that would be best. Even doing an internship is great. Unfortunately more and more companies nowadays are expecting college graduates to already have experience by interning. It's also expected that you have experience working somewhere. Working, going to school, and/or interning can put you out there in a social environment so you can make new friends and maybe find a significant other. That can also help with your moods so you won't be so lonely.
The logical part of you is going to think reasonably. But that's not the way our emotional selves think.
We're all human. There are going to be times when you fuck up. Of course at work, your manager and coworkers are going to be a lot harder on you. It's easy to get fired for something minor. It's cliche to say, but we really do all learn from our mistakes. But this anecdote isn't something you should go beating yourself up over. The fact is, your coworker would have said the same thing to someone else if they had made the same mistake as you. The statement wasn't said out of spite, so try to remember that.
I go back to this thread from time to time whenever I'm feeling down or really in a bad state of mind. Empathy when you're dealing with others who have mood disorders is key. I wish everyone was able to empathize, but only a few people do. And there's only so much someone who isn't afflicted with a mood disorder can understand. The only ones who completely understand and empathize are those who also suffer from the same illness. None of my current friends have any kind of disorder like mine. In fact, all my other friends who had bipolar like me ended up committing suicide. That was definitely hard to deal with, and it certainly didn't give me much hope. I'm slowly trying to pull myself back together by working with my therapist and psychiatrist in order to find the right medication for me.
MisterLuffy
Member
Yeah, what I hate about me is that I tend to have lack of awareness. I jump to make decisions without being aware of anything that could get me in trouble or making a mistake I couldn't change. I'll think about what you said. Thanks.
You can do it! It can be very scary to ask for help, especially if you have bad experiences with it from the past, but you're doing it for you. If you're persistent you will find someone that can help you and find the right meds (if you really need them).
MisterLuffy
Member
Can I pm someone about my issues I have now? I don't feel like sharing it in public.
User 100115
Banned
You can PM me if you like, I am going to bed but I will respond asap in the morning. Someone else might actually be awake right now though and might be better. Thinking of you.
JB...
1) you ARE funny. I know you know this.
2) our group of friends is just really really funny. We're regularly interacting with the two funniest people I've ever met. The idea of competing with them makes no sense for any of us! But a great conversation takes all different kinds of people. Some people are consistently getting laughs, others are doing most of the laughing, some people don't get laughs all the time, but when they do make a joke, it absolutely kills. Other people are more serious...
You are an unbelievably talented musician. If I told you I feel like I need to compete every time you talk about music, you'd think I was nuts! So why do you feel the need to to compete in getting laughs? You have fascinating insights about all sorts of things. Any conversation is better if you're engaged in it.
3) You hit the nail on the head when you said, "...among my group of very funny friends." Among your friends. We obviously get something out of knowing you and enjoy your company, whether you're funny or not (and you decidedly are). I know the insecurity is there, but you at least know that we are your friends. You have nothing to prove and no one you need to win over in that group.
<3
StickSoldier
Member
just wanna say I love all you guys! I pray for everyone in here that they learn how to cope with these shitty diseases that we have. I'm still doin absolutely great, and have never been happier in my life.
User 100115
Banned
I kinda wanted to be whiny today, I'm okay, just ignore me.
I didn't sleep at all last night, the nausea was fucking awful. And the kids are out of school that means no sleeping today, even if I could, since the nausea still hasn't lightened up any. Ugh. Shouldn't I be getting used to the treatment by now? I've been doing this for what, four months now? It seems to be just getting worse side effects wise. Still taking the folic acid to try and lessen the side effects but it does fuck all apparently. I am exhausted for DAYS after taking the stupid pills, and now the nausea is lingering for days too....Grr
Called my doctor to see if he could prescribe something for the nausea, they are going to call me back (hopefully) It's to point where I just wish I could throw up and get it over with. (I know that wouldn't actually help, but gah)
/end whine fest
That is so great to hear! I am glad things are going awesome for you. Keep it up man!
I didn't sleep at all last night, the nausea was fucking awful. And the kids are out of school that means no sleeping today, even if I could, since the nausea still hasn't lightened up any. Ugh. Shouldn't I be getting used to the treatment by now? I've been doing this for what, four months now? It seems to be just getting worse side effects wise. Still taking the folic acid to try and lessen the side effects but it does fuck all apparently. I am exhausted for DAYS after taking the stupid pills, and now the nausea is lingering for days too....Grr
Called my doctor to see if he could prescribe something for the nausea, they are going to call me back (hopefully) It's to point where I just wish I could throw up and get it over with. (I know that wouldn't actually help, but gah)
/end whine fest
That is so great to hear! I am glad things are going awesome for you. Keep it up man!
Omegasquash
Member
Been wrestling with some pretty dark self-esteem issues of late...the monkey has been sitting here for a little longer than usual, and I'm not sure what's brought it about.
I've decided to start reading/audiobooking (more the latter than the former thanks to a meaty commute) on the topic of self-esteem, because it seems no matter how much success I achieve, I always feel terrible, and I don't want that feeling of worthlessness to pressurize into a snippy, unlikeable series of interactions and responses towards other people.
It's odd. This is the best quarter I've ever had job-wise, making damn good (by my standards) physical improvements at the gym and really staying the course nutrition/diet wise. Staying on top of the house in terms of house/yard/pool maintenance. Getting more sleep. Wife is happy, kids are wonderful. I still have this nagging sense that something isn't there I guess, since nothing is making me happy, even though things make me smile. I'm not "missing something," as I'm happy with what I have. I just still feel like no matter what I do it's not good enough, and that's bothersome because that's the sort of thing that boils over and ends up as resentment towards others, which simply can't be the case. No one else is responsible for how I feel about myself.
Sorry for the post being a little self exploratory, just felt like putting it out there. Helps to verbalize, from time to time.
I've decided to start reading/audiobooking (more the latter than the former thanks to a meaty commute) on the topic of self-esteem, because it seems no matter how much success I achieve, I always feel terrible, and I don't want that feeling of worthlessness to pressurize into a snippy, unlikeable series of interactions and responses towards other people.
It's odd. This is the best quarter I've ever had job-wise, making damn good (by my standards) physical improvements at the gym and really staying the course nutrition/diet wise. Staying on top of the house in terms of house/yard/pool maintenance. Getting more sleep. Wife is happy, kids are wonderful. I still have this nagging sense that something isn't there I guess, since nothing is making me happy, even though things make me smile. I'm not "missing something," as I'm happy with what I have. I just still feel like no matter what I do it's not good enough, and that's bothersome because that's the sort of thing that boils over and ends up as resentment towards others, which simply can't be the case. No one else is responsible for how I feel about myself.
Sorry for the post being a little self exploratory, just felt like putting it out there. Helps to verbalize, from time to time.
StickSoldier
Member
I read it! I feel you. I haven't slept in freaking weeks.. Like maybe 2 hours a night. But I feel very energized so I'm not complaining.
But I find that talking to people really does help. People who listen and understand, and won't make you feel anymore crazy than you already make yourself feel. I also like to go out on walks in the sun, play games, and get on Neogaf. I try to find everything good in life. Always stay optimistic no matter how hard it seems. You'll find that you enjoy life way more like that.
User 100115
Banned
Yeah, I've been trying to be optimistic, but it's super hard to do on the two worst days (Wednesdays and Thursdays). I just want to curl up in bed and not move. I can't of course, because I am a mom and a wife, so I have stuff I have to do. Hence the whine fest heh
I am hopeful that the 'next stage' of treatment will actually start working and I'll kick this shit into remission. I want to get back to normal. Or well, as normal as I can be
StickSoldier
Member
Yeah, I've been trying to be optimistic, but it's super hard to do on the two worst days (Wednesdays and Thursdays). I just want to curl up in bed and not move. I can't of course, because I am a mom and a wife, so I have stuff I have to do. Hence the whine fest heh
I am hopeful that the 'next stage' of treatment will actually start working and I'll kick this shit into remission. I want to get back to normal. Or well, as normal as I can be
LOL yeah I hear ya. I learned that the less I think of my own problems and others the easier it is to cope because I'm helping people that I love. In your case, you are a loving mother and wife to a family that needs you. That's something worth being optimistic about! Hell, I wish I had a girlfriend to take care of, period. I can't even get a date!
But instead of that, I just try to go around and help others that may need it instead of worrying about how tired I am or what I look like. When people show appreciation for you're kindness, it really does make that depression, anger, anxiety, and every other negative emotion start to disappear. And really, I mean just like smiling at someone and saying you love them. Little things go a long ways regardless if people like to believe it or not.
User 100115
Banned
Yep, that's what I do and advocate, usually spend a lot of my time trying to help others or taking care of folks because it makes me feel good. Best therapy in the world right there.
Just having a bad day medicine wise, sorry. I'll be fine, I shouldn't complain
Choppasmith
Member
Thanks for replying. Thanks to being fully covered from work, I've got an appointment with a professional next week. I was talking to my mom about it (I figured the more open I am about it, the less stressed I'd be) Now FYI, my mom is a sweet and perfect a mother as can be. And she just says, "Huh, I'm not too surprised, I've always had the belief you might've had Aspergers, albeit something very mild on the spectrum with the way you cross you hands all the time." She told me I should ask about taking Efexor.
I'll definitely post here when I have an update.
StickSoldier
Member
Yep, that's what I do and advocate, usually spend a lot of my time trying to help others or taking care of folks because it makes me feel good. Best therapy in the world right there.
Just having a bad day medicine wise, sorry. I'll be fine, I shouldn't complain
It is, for sure. You don't need someone telling you how you feel when they don't know whats going on in your life and how you see life. But seeing someone happy for something I did sure makes me feel damn good haha.
Don't be sorry though, it happens. You just need to realize how important you are to people and that your actions do matter. If your kids see you upset, then that will make them sad most likely. Or the same with your husband. Just being around and smiling makes a world of difference, and that's a great thing to realize.
MikeHaggar
Member
i'm going through a break-up. at this moment i have so much anger and nothing to do with it. already went for a run and that wasn't enough to let the steam out. just not sure how people can be so lousy. i honestly don't know what to do right now
I completely understand.
As weird as it may sound, this site has helped me recently:
http://blahtherapy.com/
Being able to anonymously talk about it or listen to others problems has put things into a little more perspective for me. And if nothing else, chatting with people who seem to genuinely want to talk and vent helps.
Panthalassic
Member
Been dealing with some sadness this past week that's been expressing itself as violence and anger towards my friends and housemates. I don't know what to do because I feel like I'm driving them away, even though I'm apologizing and trying to explain it to them. I can usually deal with it fine if it's just quiet sadness but the violence thing is new and I'm scared. I don't have many friends at all (only about 3 I'd actually call friends) and I'm scared that my actions will force them to avoid me.
What do?
What do?
Don't have a therapist anymore. Going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I wouldn't expect much out of a hospital visit. Was in a psych ward last May for a few days and it did nothing but drain me even more. Went in suicidal, came out numb and feeling apathetic about every last thing. Wish that feeling lasted longer.
Been dealing with some sadness this past week that's been expressing itself as violence and anger towards my friends and housemates. I don't know what to do because I feel like I'm driving them away, even though I'm apologizing and trying to explain it to them. I can usually deal with it fine if it's just quiet sadness but the violence thing is new and I'm scared. I don't have many friends at all (only about 3 I'd actually call friends) and I'm scared that my actions will force them to avoid me.
What do?
What's causing this sadness? Talking about it may help.
StickSoldier
Member
Been dealing with some sadness this past week that's been expressing itself as violence and anger towards my friends and housemates. I don't know what to do because I feel like I'm driving them away, even though I'm apologizing and trying to explain it to them. I can usually deal with it fine if it's just quiet sadness but the violence thing is new and I'm scared. I don't have many friends at all (only about 3 I'd actually call friends) and I'm scared that my actions will force them to avoid me.
What do?
Sorry to hear. You just said it, you're scared your actions will force them to avoid you, which they will. You have to understand other peoples feelings. Don't fight with them because you're sad. If anything, that just causes a chain reaction of anger and fighting that will make things SOO much worse. Take time to relax and think of what to say or do before you initiate your action. You have a brain for a reason, don't think with emotion. Nothing good comes out from that.
Anyways, what are you sad about to begin with that's causing you to fight with your loved ones?
Panthalassic
Member
It's probably a collection of things: I'm an international student living in Canada for the summer, the funding for a project I'm supposed to be working on hasn't come through yet, I'm homesick, I'm queer, I'm poor, I miss my family, I'm bored since work hasn't started yet, I wish I was more fit and had a better body, weird stuff has been going on with my head and there's been drama with my family and some friends, I have a crush on a friend and it won't go away. I don't know.... It's a lot.
CornBurrito
Member
So I'm not really depressed (or don't think I am) but I've been starting to have fantasies of suicide once more (happened freshman year of college, am currently a senior). Basically I think to myself that all I'm really doing while being alive is passing the time until I die. I don't have any particular hopes or dreams. No passions or hobbies that fill my life with purpose. And I don't really have any drive or motivation to go out and do something amazing. I go to college and play games as a way to pass the time. Soon I'll go to grad school. Then the workforce. And really none of that has any purpose. I don't find the journey particularly exciting or anything special, so why not rush to the destination. Of course, I'm in a clear enough state of mind to realize how negatively it would effect my family. So most of my fantasies boil down to "man if I had no family right now I could just end it right now. Damn that'd be so great." I'm not really depressed, just in a sort of "why even bother" type state. Wanted to get this off my chest, and this felt like the right thread to post in.
StickSoldier
Member
Yeah, a lot of problems trying to drive you crazy or something. Bastards lol! Well, there's nothing wrong with being homesick, gay, poor, bored. That's how life works. You just need to try and right the wrong by apologizing for fighting. Don't fight with your loved ones over your issues. I mean, the last thing you want to do is let other people feel your suffering because that causes problems for everyone and people will start to scatter from you!
Really, you need to start looking at things more positively. Instead of being upset with being homesick, learn to embrace your freedom. Being gay? Well I'm not gay but who am I to tell you it's a bad thing? You can't help who you like, so just embrace the feelings of love. That's a better feeling than sadness. Poor? Well, I don't have a dime to my name right now, but I know that there's way to fix that. Regardless, as long as your alive who cares how much money you have? Life is awesome if you allow it to be. Don't over think everything. For all you know, other people might be having as many problems as you are!
Why not try to be the one that breaks the mold and show happiness, compassion, and love to everyone? If you're nice and help people with things from small to big, you'll start to see people smile and being more kind. They see that you truly care, and who doesn't want someone that wants to help out of love? I mean, I sure could, I love anyone like that regardless of what you do with your lives. As long as you treat me with love, I'll do the same back
I had my fair share of problems in April. For example, I got stabbed in the face (I have a pic on facegaf with it) when my dad and brother were going to kill each other on freaking Easter. I sacrificed myself out of love, because I couldn't bear to think of my family killing each other. I was happy though because I saved my families lives, but people were saying I was crazy for being happy! WTF! You know what I said? Well no you don't but I just said "You know what, if you can't accept me for being happy that I saved my family from killing each other, then I'll just leave you alone and be happy somewhere else!" So then I got kicked out of my house and ended up going to jail for defending myself from the cops, who were called on me because people were accusing me of being on drugs and suicidal. I was in jail for a month and a half, with nothing but some clothes, but I loved ALMOST every minute of it. I learned how to have self control, how to make friends with people I never thought I'd be able to, even how to be self reliant without worrying about the future! The less you worry about meaningless things, and just work on being happy through love and help, the quicker you start to realize that you can cope a lot more effectively with problems by just helping those in need! You can do a lot more than you think if you put your mind and heart into it!
I love making people happy, because seeing a smile from someone uplifts my spirit even if I don't know you personally.
MikeHaggar
Member
Polydeuces
Member
So I just did my second test and I think I really screwed up. I did all the problem sets, I looked over my lecture notes, made notes for every single topic he discussed and I was still stumped on questions because I didn't do them fully. *Sigh*
Panthalassic
Member
Wow. I dunno what to say... You've been through a lot yet you still manage to keep happy.
The people who know generally regard me as a nice, kind person. I like to think of myself as someone people can talk to and listen with an open heart (which is what my close friends usually end up doing). And I love being able to help people in whatever way I can. I decided to stay in Canada this summer so I could learn to live alone(ish) and I could work on myself as a person and as someone who can be valuable to my home country. I've been enjoying the freedom, I really have! My good friend has been taking me on lots of walks so I can feel myself getting more and more used to physical activity. I have a job (even if it hasn't started yet). There are people who love me and value me as a person.
It's weird that I'm so fortunate but still manage to get so sad sometimes. I hate that I take it out on other people too. That just makes me more sad. But I'm trying to make myself a better person, and that's a process that won't happen over night. The sadness is so random though... I'm happy and fine one moment and then really sad and upset the next. I wish that my brain would make up its mind!
Anyways, thank you so much for the kind words. It's always so wonderful to hear nice things instead of "oh just get over it" or whatever. I hope a good night's sleep will clear my head a bit better.
I've been having a weird couple of days. Nothing major, just..been feeling off. I got hit by a string of bad luck these past couple of weeks - though nothing that has to do with my anxiety - and it's all compounded into making me feel like crap. My mother asked me why I was upset the other day and I told her "I haven't been sad in a while, I just want to feel sad today." I've tried phrasing this paragraph multiple ways so it doesn't sound melodramatic. I know most of these problems are little things (dying TV, sleeping in too often), it just feels like I have so many little problems that I should be able to fix.
StickSoldier
Member
Lol, look at how many things you have to be happy for! Life is a beautiful thing, it truly is. Especially considering that you're working on fixing the problems. But for the random sadness that enters my life, I just like to meditate on issues that are making me upset. Like I'm out of shape too. Okay well, that's my fault because I'm sitting on my lazy ass eating chinese food and playing games all day. Maybe I should try to get up and work out instead of being pissed that my physique isn't all that dreamy lol. Okay, well that makes me happy because I know I can fix it, just gotta put some work in.
But yeah, people who say to get over it have no idea what they are talking about. You don't just get over something. You have to put your mind into action and think of how to remove that depressing cloud over your heart. But the best cure is smiling and having fun with everything. Like that blade of glass, lemme pick it up and just look at it for a bit. That's fun to me lol. I dunno, people say I'm crazy because I'm so happy but it really doesn't matter what they say. If I'm happy with myself, I'm not gonna let someone bring me down because they aren't happy. They don't wanna see me shine, like the Bone Thugs N Harmony once said! Haha
I really struggled with depression since I was around 9 until just recently (turning 26 next month). Going to jail saved my life because I learned how much I missed the life I had. But I also figured out how to put my words into action. Now I ain't got a damn worry in my life. I can just feel people gravitating towards me just because I smile all the time and I like to encourage people who feel down. We got this, we can make it with each other. No one can do anything by themselves. That's why I don't want to run people off, because I know by myself I'll fail.
But anyways, I'm glad I could help at least a bit. That makes me happy too! lol.
ShironRedshift
Member
Damn, I totally know that state of mind--it was the one I was in for the bulk of my life: having no particular hopes or dreams or motivation to do much of anything, and only relatively recently managed to get out of that.
Unfortunately, I can't help you find your own passions, but in terms of why to bother... well, to start off with, consider how incredible it is that you're even alive to type that right now: how much happenstance and complete chance and luck is necessary for your existence, but yet here you are. Within the lineage of your ancestors, there are surely countless people who only met by pure chance or happenstance, who only ended up meeting each other because they decided to do something different one day for no particular reason, and it's due to such chance encounters that your here today. And you can do that all the way up your family tree and beyond, to back before homo sapiens even evolved, and how we owe our existence here today to the fact that we happened to be lucky enough to have ancestors that were actually fit and successful enough to pass on their genes. Isn't that incredible? It's extremely, extremely against the odds that all the chance-occurrences that would lead to a particular person existing to actually occur, but yet, here we are. At least personally, I can't help but get a huge sense of wonder thinking about all the chance occurrences that had to have occurred to lead to my existence, and just how incredible it is.
And that being the case, it being so unlikely that any particular one of us would exist, it would just seem a tremendous shame to me to just let that chance occurrence be wasted and fade away. Of course, at the same time, I definitely understand just feeling like your along for the ride, having been there for most of my life. And while I have no doubt that you will eventually figure things out and find your own passion (if someone like me can find my passion in life, I have no doubt that you can), in the mean time, if your life to feel like it has some purpose in it and that you're not just passing the time, consider volunteering someone if you're not already. After all, what better way is there to have a sense of purpose and have a reason to actually bother every day then by directly affecting the lives of others and improving them, and making them better than had you never existed at all? And in any case, what do you have to lose by trying? Might as well pass some of this time we have by helping each other out. Can't think of a better way to spend that time we have. And of course, it doesn't even have to be something as grandiose as actual volunteer or charity work--even simply taking the time to listen and respond to people like the ones in this thread or listening to people on that BlahTherapy site that was posted despite being small gestures can make tremendously huge differences in peoples lives and thus can easily be rewarding and more than worthwhile themselves.
In addition, having been there myself and knowing how much it sucks to feel like you don't have a sense of purpose in your life, looking back on it from a different perspective... isn't it alright to not have any particular hopes and dreams and in fact just be along for the ride and enjoying the journey? I mean, like I said, consider how lucky each one of us are to exist to begin with and thus how lucky each of us are to actually be able to experience even the simplest wonders and splendors of the universe, like watching a sunrise, or sunset, going for a walk and enjoying the songs of the birds and the other sounds of nature, or curling up with a good book while you think about all the complete happenstance and chance occurrences that had to happen for the author to exist to write the book and then have the write circumstances to write it, followed by the right chance occurrences happening for you to exist and even have the chance of reading it. Or even better, a video game, which can easily have hundreds of people having been employed it make it, each with their own stories which lead to them coming together and cooperating to make such a thing. I can't get enough of thinking about stuff like that and just how incredible it is that we even have the chance to experience such things, nevermind the fact of how incredible it is that we exist to begin with. That right there is more than enough for me, dreams and passions aside. Life is just such a wonderful thing.
But yeah, I'd definitely recommend getting out there as much as you can and looking up and doing some volunteering in your area, so you actually see and feel yourself directly having an impact on the lives of others. After all, well... why not? Have to do something with this time we have and can't think of much better than that.
But whatever the case though, I definitely wish you the absolute best of luck with everything and hope you start feeling better soon and end up making it through this just fine! ^_^ And again, if I made it through that exact place your in, I'm absolutely positive you can, and I'm not even worried that you'll figure things out sooner or later (it just takes longer for some than others, which is perfectly alright, as I've had to realize myself), and I just hope things end up trending more towards the former fro you.
Cheese Sandwich
Banned
Man, why do I always gotta feel like shit at night? I'm thinking of spending $25 just to talk with a therapist at BlahTherapy, the website some guy mentioned above. Life fuckin' sucks. I hate how I am now.
I'm sorry how random this is but I don't know how to start with this nor introduce myself.
I'm sorry how random this is but I don't know how to start with this nor introduce myself.
StickSoldier
Member
What's your name?! How about your hobbies? I'll listen. You might hate how you are now, but now is only for a second. Keep trying to improve every second of the day, then you'll learn to stop hating yourself.
Neverwinter27
Member
Anyone here tried this for your current states? Something about Negative Ions that I read a few years ago
http://www.health-benefit-of-water.com/negative-ions.html
http://www.health-benefit-of-water.com/negative-ions.html
Thanks, Pete. I just wasn't thinking clearly and a whole bunch of things happened at once which caused a clusterfuck. First, I thought it would be smart to go off my meds for several days so I could... um... do sexy things. And then, right when I mood crashed, a fibro flare started, which even in normal circumstances amplifies my emotions, insecurities and flaws to unpleasant levels. So I'm in this E3 mumble all freakin' day when I really should have been in bed, trying to maintain energy levels because all of my friends were having fun and I wanted to have fun too. Eventually, I just couldn't hold it together any longer, especially when I was perceiving how nothing I was saying was making people laugh, whereas others were getting consistent responses. Part of it was that I just didn't have remaining energy to come up with the funny and I should have recognized that but by that time, my mind was no longer my own. I bailed before I could do anything stupid like I have in the past.
Fortunately (and there is a certain amount of pride here), I was able to modulate things in a way so that unlike before when I've gone crazy, I kept things on the down low for the next three days, only communicating one-on-one with people when I felt like it because I knew that group situations would trigger bad behavior. And every so often, participated in an activity. I gamed once with Penguino (<3) and had a lovely phone chat with the equally lovely Fiction.
I'll admit to feeling inadequate at times but only because my friends are so unbelievably amazing. I want to be just as amazing for them but rarely feel that I'm pulling it off. It's all a work in progress.
CornBurrito
Member
I see your point about life being rare. But I'm fine with squandering my chance. I can certainly see how to view life from a romanticized angle like that, but that isn't how I feel about it.
As for going out and volunteering, no thank you. I dislike interaction with strangers. I also don't particularly care whether or not my life has some tangible impact on other people.
Thanks for the response though. I appreciate it.
I find it's best late at night and you're feeling down, to put on your favourite music, your favourite podcast, and just stick your head on the pillow and try to sleep. Tomorrow will always bring a new day.
LittleBoots
Member
You can pm me if you want. I might not message you back right away, though. I'm normally not on Neogaf that often.
User 100115
Banned
I wanted to let everyone know I am feeling a lot better today. My doctor gave me a script for Ondansetron, which helped a ton and I was able to sleep last night.
Though he also told me to reduce the methotrexate to two pills a week, down from eight, until I feel I can tolerate a step up and go up to four.
It's sort dejecting because the 8 pills a week don't seem to be doing shit, so two pills a week are going to do even less :/
But hey! No more nausea.
Though he also told me to reduce the methotrexate to two pills a week, down from eight, until I feel I can tolerate a step up and go up to four.
It's sort dejecting because the 8 pills a week don't seem to be doing shit, so two pills a week are going to do even less :/
But hey! No more nausea.
StickSoldier
Member
Lol great to hear! Makes you feel a bit happier to see some results though, right?
MisterLuffy
Member
It's cool, I kind of feel better now. If I do have personal problems that I can't share in public. I'll come to you, Fiction, Flo, or anyone whose willing to put some time in chatting (messaging) with me. Thanks for your concern. Right now, the only problem I have is finding a decent job with decent pay.
User 100115
Banned
I would love see some results from the treatment other than side effects and rash reduction. :/
I'll try to be in chat sometime this weekend
StickSoldier
Member
I would love see some results from the treatment other than side effects and rash reduction. :/
I'll try to be in chat sometime this weekend
But your nausea went away and you said you felt better today! Well it makes me happy to hear that at least, so thank you
User 100115
Banned
But your nausea went away and you said you felt better today! Well it makes me happy to hear that at least, so thank you
Oh yeah that's good news. But apparently treating RA is hit or miss, and you have to keep with the misses until you figure out what actually works, so it takes some time.
StickSoldier
Member
For sure it wont fix overnight but at least some good news came! That's all that really matters
Hello Gaffers,
Some of you know me in me the gaming section, most of you who frequent the OT do not. I am as ordinary as they come, both in body and in ambition. Truth be told, I am not suicidal, or at least I do not believe so. I just want to roll over and die but I do not have the courage to commit the act for besides the cowardice a part of me wishes to know what new suffering comes my way. I hate putting my pain out there in public for all who wander across to see. Hopefully, the wall of text will dissuade them.
I am going to be 27 next week and recently got diagnosed with clinical depression, hyper anxiety and eating disorder. For the past 25 years, I have lived with my parents and as a friend of mine once so aptly put, lived an "insulated" life. I was mostly a "talker" giving others advice on their troubles and doing little with myself in daily life. I hold a diploma in Business Insurance and for almost the past three years, I have been unemployed. Yet, until last year, I was lazy and had little trouble reconciling my then-present situation with the inevitable consequences. I was more worried about my weight which had steadily climbed to a whopping 165+ lbs (my height is around 5'3"). My self confidence was at an all time low but NeoGAF and gaming in general kept my mind preoccupied in a world where we are living the lives of characters that are not us.
Last year, my father decided that I needed a radical change in my life. My mother and I contested but he prevailed and eventually I thought it would better for me to find something more interesting to do. And so, I joined the Marine Institute (Memorial University) in Fall 2013 as a first year student in one of their illustrious programs. My life changed forever.
I have always been a grade A student and in the end, the first semester results reflected that. During this time, I had gone on a thoroughly restricted diet. Despite not exercising, I weighed around 127lbs in mid-December 2013. The pang of continuous hunger was enormous; every day I battled it for 4 months. Why? Well, for the simple reason that I had realized all the things that I had missed out on while being insulated and nonchalant and lethargic perspectives I had held. I was 26 and I wanted to fall in love, I wanted to love someone and be loved, grow as a person in the process and boost my self confidence. I wanted to build something substantial with another individual because I felt and still feel that all my academic achievements are hollow and that I would give almost all of it up to experience a single moment of true happiness in the company of a significant other.
During the latter months of the first semester, tragedy struck as there was misunderstanding between me and certain individuals I had formerly called friends. Long story short: I had started to fall for this girl in program who had fallen for another guy in the same program and he lied to me (because he knew how I felt) when I asked him whether they were seeing each other. Eventually, I gave both of them the cold shoulder. I did not realize just how long lasting my shift in attitude would be nor the many shores onto which the ripples of my actions would reach. I made myself an outcast from group to which the couple belonged. Eventually, I got over it but I remained the same quiet, brooding individual who used to be a loud extrovert and lacked a filter between the brain and mouth. Thus, all my friends now became my colleagues.
After I returned from home for the second semester, I had begun to fall for this one individual who I met over okcupid. She and I had a lot in common and to this day remains one of most unique individuals I have had the privilege of making acquaintance with. We finally met in April this year. It was a time that was preceded my diagnosis of eating disorder. I was now less than 115lbs (I still am). I did not care though because I had not realized then just how deeply it had affected my attitude when dealing with others especially my colleagues who felt that I was socially aloof, far too quiet and an altogether a different person. I took it as a compliment because part of it earned me power over those who used to screw around with me a semester earlier. In return for losing friendship, I had gained their solemn respect and courtesy. In addition, I felt that all I needed was that special someone and the rest of world did not matter to me.
I had never found an individual with whom I felt I could be myself in such an uninhibited form in such a short time. By the second date, I was spilling my guts left and right as she quietly listened to every word I said; I had forgotten how wonderful it felt to be a talkative extrovert. Furthermore, I did not know what to say and not to say because this was my first time dating (yes...). As such we both broke certain tenets of dating conversations. In her presence, I felt an emotion that was not love, rather a feeling of insulation and belonging. Every time after our date, I would start to miss her like an addict without his/her fix to the point I physically had a panic attack. Every moment of everyday when I did not corresponded with her in some way, my mind was consumed with her thoughts; "what was she thinking about what I said" and other thoughts that were tantamount to second guessing myself clouded my thoughts. Given I am not one of those individuals who constantly text just to feel connected, the anxiety got progressively worse. The fear of losing her was only matched by my desire to not be a burden to her and come off as needy. Scarcely did I realize that I was unknowingly exposing my hollowness piece by piece with uninhibited talks and texts regardless of their infrequent nature.
The mind tends to stray. Despite my best efforts, I had built a fantasy of a future we may have had and took comfort in the assumed positives yet to come; I had even bought a birthday gift over a month in advance to give to her on the due date. Needless to say, after three dates (and four months of prior contact), it came to a crash, three days before her birthday last month. For the first day, I did not know how to react. On the second day, I did not know how to deal with my sorrow. On the third day I had to go back to attend a tech session aboard a vessel where I looked into the water and wished, just wished it'd swell up and wash away all the pain and sorrow and end my life in the process. The same day, I started an internal diagnostic to ascertain where I went wrong (because she said it was her and not me; the answer which I could not accept). I came up with numerous instances where I outed parts of my thoughts and intentions which would set off red flags. I wrote back to her within the week, thanking her, apologizing to her and explaining that in her situation I may have done the same. Regardless of the perspective and experience gained, the pain was and is real. I immediately enlisted help of a program that deals with people with eating disorder (something my family physician asked me to do months ago). During an interview process, I realized what a lonely individual I am and how that along with fear of death on my first work term (of two months) warped and toxified my view on the relationship that I had so promised to give time to blossom.
I have asked to attend group sessions, take medication for my hyper anxiety and follow a diet plan to beat my eating disorder that has permeated my life to point where despite losing weight I have remained a thoroughly shy person. It also made me realize that I dislike the whole artificial "picking up a chick at the bar". Today, I do not associate with most people I once considered colleagues because most of them are experts at small talks without any substance; something I can not indulge myself in. Furthermore, my work term which starts in around a week's time has pushed back all possible treatments till the end of August. So now, I wake up every single day blind to all that is good around me expecting tragedy and suffering at every turn (which has plagued me since May) and living life by the hour. Every moment I am left to my own devices I think and overthink of just how miserable I am and the juxtaposition between my attitude towards others and my need for companionship.
Today, I have become a "doer" but I have lost what I used to be. I have never played a game during my semester; a sealed PS4 resides with me to this day. I wake up every day wishing my suffering stemming from this longing for another would end. It is unbearable. There was a time I wanted to live for something and now I want to die for something. My performance in the professional/academic world remains pristine which is all the more maddening because I can not drown myself in work/study 24/7 and all the free time makes me feel like I need to cease to exist.
No matter how hard I try, I can not follow the advise I once gave to friends who were sad in their own ways: To be amazed at the myriad of wonders that surrounds us in the sky, on the ground and underneath; to be cognizant of over billions of years of evolution through time and space; to realize the amazing fact of the existence of our consciousness with the capacity to feel; to see the grand scheme of things and reconcile it with sorrow, just another emotion along the way. A teacher it may be but its continuous grip just makes me want to die, just die. I still think of her...
Some of you know me in me the gaming section, most of you who frequent the OT do not. I am as ordinary as they come, both in body and in ambition. Truth be told, I am not suicidal, or at least I do not believe so. I just want to roll over and die but I do not have the courage to commit the act for besides the cowardice a part of me wishes to know what new suffering comes my way. I hate putting my pain out there in public for all who wander across to see. Hopefully, the wall of text will dissuade them.
I am going to be 27 next week and recently got diagnosed with clinical depression, hyper anxiety and eating disorder. For the past 25 years, I have lived with my parents and as a friend of mine once so aptly put, lived an "insulated" life. I was mostly a "talker" giving others advice on their troubles and doing little with myself in daily life. I hold a diploma in Business Insurance and for almost the past three years, I have been unemployed. Yet, until last year, I was lazy and had little trouble reconciling my then-present situation with the inevitable consequences. I was more worried about my weight which had steadily climbed to a whopping 165+ lbs (my height is around 5'3"). My self confidence was at an all time low but NeoGAF and gaming in general kept my mind preoccupied in a world where we are living the lives of characters that are not us.
Last year, my father decided that I needed a radical change in my life. My mother and I contested but he prevailed and eventually I thought it would better for me to find something more interesting to do. And so, I joined the Marine Institute (Memorial University) in Fall 2013 as a first year student in one of their illustrious programs. My life changed forever.
I have always been a grade A student and in the end, the first semester results reflected that. During this time, I had gone on a thoroughly restricted diet. Despite not exercising, I weighed around 127lbs in mid-December 2013. The pang of continuous hunger was enormous; every day I battled it for 4 months. Why? Well, for the simple reason that I had realized all the things that I had missed out on while being insulated and nonchalant and lethargic perspectives I had held. I was 26 and I wanted to fall in love, I wanted to love someone and be loved, grow as a person in the process and boost my self confidence. I wanted to build something substantial with another individual because I felt and still feel that all my academic achievements are hollow and that I would give almost all of it up to experience a single moment of true happiness in the company of a significant other.
During the latter months of the first semester, tragedy struck as there was misunderstanding between me and certain individuals I had formerly called friends. Long story short: I had started to fall for this girl in program who had fallen for another guy in the same program and he lied to me (because he knew how I felt) when I asked him whether they were seeing each other. Eventually, I gave both of them the cold shoulder. I did not realize just how long lasting my shift in attitude would be nor the many shores onto which the ripples of my actions would reach. I made myself an outcast from group to which the couple belonged. Eventually, I got over it but I remained the same quiet, brooding individual who used to be a loud extrovert and lacked a filter between the brain and mouth. Thus, all my friends now became my colleagues.
After I returned from home for the second semester, I had begun to fall for this one individual who I met over okcupid. She and I had a lot in common and to this day remains one of most unique individuals I have had the privilege of making acquaintance with. We finally met in April this year. It was a time that was preceded my diagnosis of eating disorder. I was now less than 115lbs (I still am). I did not care though because I had not realized then just how deeply it had affected my attitude when dealing with others especially my colleagues who felt that I was socially aloof, far too quiet and an altogether a different person. I took it as a compliment because part of it earned me power over those who used to screw around with me a semester earlier. In return for losing friendship, I had gained their solemn respect and courtesy. In addition, I felt that all I needed was that special someone and the rest of world did not matter to me.
I had never found an individual with whom I felt I could be myself in such an uninhibited form in such a short time. By the second date, I was spilling my guts left and right as she quietly listened to every word I said; I had forgotten how wonderful it felt to be a talkative extrovert. Furthermore, I did not know what to say and not to say because this was my first time dating (yes...). As such we both broke certain tenets of dating conversations. In her presence, I felt an emotion that was not love, rather a feeling of insulation and belonging. Every time after our date, I would start to miss her like an addict without his/her fix to the point I physically had a panic attack. Every moment of everyday when I did not corresponded with her in some way, my mind was consumed with her thoughts; "what was she thinking about what I said" and other thoughts that were tantamount to second guessing myself clouded my thoughts. Given I am not one of those individuals who constantly text just to feel connected, the anxiety got progressively worse. The fear of losing her was only matched by my desire to not be a burden to her and come off as needy. Scarcely did I realize that I was unknowingly exposing my hollowness piece by piece with uninhibited talks and texts regardless of their infrequent nature.
The mind tends to stray. Despite my best efforts, I had built a fantasy of a future we may have had and took comfort in the assumed positives yet to come; I had even bought a birthday gift over a month in advance to give to her on the due date. Needless to say, after three dates (and four months of prior contact), it came to a crash, three days before her birthday last month. For the first day, I did not know how to react. On the second day, I did not know how to deal with my sorrow. On the third day I had to go back to attend a tech session aboard a vessel where I looked into the water and wished, just wished it'd swell up and wash away all the pain and sorrow and end my life in the process. The same day, I started an internal diagnostic to ascertain where I went wrong (because she said it was her and not me; the answer which I could not accept). I came up with numerous instances where I outed parts of my thoughts and intentions which would set off red flags. I wrote back to her within the week, thanking her, apologizing to her and explaining that in her situation I may have done the same. Regardless of the perspective and experience gained, the pain was and is real. I immediately enlisted help of a program that deals with people with eating disorder (something my family physician asked me to do months ago). During an interview process, I realized what a lonely individual I am and how that along with fear of death on my first work term (of two months) warped and toxified my view on the relationship that I had so promised to give time to blossom.
I have asked to attend group sessions, take medication for my hyper anxiety and follow a diet plan to beat my eating disorder that has permeated my life to point where despite losing weight I have remained a thoroughly shy person. It also made me realize that I dislike the whole artificial "picking up a chick at the bar". Today, I do not associate with most people I once considered colleagues because most of them are experts at small talks without any substance; something I can not indulge myself in. Furthermore, my work term which starts in around a week's time has pushed back all possible treatments till the end of August. So now, I wake up every single day blind to all that is good around me expecting tragedy and suffering at every turn (which has plagued me since May) and living life by the hour. Every moment I am left to my own devices I think and overthink of just how miserable I am and the juxtaposition between my attitude towards others and my need for companionship.
Today, I have become a "doer" but I have lost what I used to be. I have never played a game during my semester; a sealed PS4 resides with me to this day. I wake up every day wishing my suffering stemming from this longing for another would end. It is unbearable. There was a time I wanted to live for something and now I want to die for something. My performance in the professional/academic world remains pristine which is all the more maddening because I can not drown myself in work/study 24/7 and all the free time makes me feel like I need to cease to exist.
No matter how hard I try, I can not follow the advise I once gave to friends who were sad in their own ways: To be amazed at the myriad of wonders that surrounds us in the sky, on the ground and underneath; to be cognizant of over billions of years of evolution through time and space; to realize the amazing fact of the existence of our consciousness with the capacity to feel; to see the grand scheme of things and reconcile it with sorrow, just another emotion along the way. A teacher it may be but its continuous grip just makes me want to die, just die. I still think of her...
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