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[BocoDragon]

Boy do I feel like an idiot.

I stopped to talk with her in the hallway at school. I've had a few classes with her. Because I had to get back to class I took off, and the words just automatically came out of my mouth: "see ya, man."

I immediately regretted it.

I hope she didn't take it as a sign that I didn't see her as a woman... Because I actually do think she comes off as one. I think of her as a girl in my own mind.

But I kept going over why I said it... Would I have said that to another female friend? Honestly no. I don't call girls that. So if I'm being honest, there's some part of my mind that didn't switch over. Like if there's a language processing unit that speaks to different genders in different ways - she was placed in the wrong category. My unconscious part of the brain really felt that I was talking to a guy, despite all of my consious thinking otherwise.

Feels dumb man.

 

[Alchemy]

Just try to find her and apologize. Being misgendered hurts, but at least knowing that the person didn't really mean it helps diminish the pain a bit.

 

[gdt]

I say see you man to women all the time. Even dude works really.

But yeah just apologize, I think it's an easy mistake to make if you don't have a trans person in your life.

 

[CHusson91]

I'm sure they thought nothing of it. If so, they'll get over it.

 

[Pachinko]

I understand why you'd feel like a moron for saying that but I talk like that even to cisgendered people. It's just my personal slang I guess - calling people man or dude even if they aren't male. I blame this on associating socially with other guys most of the time.

I guess all you can really do is apologize, sounds like a force of habit thing, not directed squarely at her and you didn't mean anything malicious by it.

 

[sir_kevith]

You caught yourself so you're not really part of the problem. I wouldn't worry if you were just having a friendly conversation no one is gonna hold that over your head. People make mistakes all the time.

 

[TheAbsolution]

Hmm.
I don't know, I tend to call girls like that too.
Although, I always ask if they're Ok with me saying that and they usually are. So just apologize and make sure to not do it in the future if that's something that bothers her.

 

[wenis]

I call people dude. Like everyone. So it'll be alright man.

 

[Opto]

Yeah apologize

 

[WalkMan]

Yea definitely go back there and apologize. What you just did is the equivalent thing to "see ya n*gger"

 

[BocoDragon]

Just try to find her and apologize. Being misgendered hurts, but at least knowing that the person didn't really mean it helps diminish the pain a bit.

I think I might.

Here's the issue though... I'm actually assuming she wants to be referred to as a women. I've never been informed officially, so to apologize is basically to ask "so what gender are you anyway?" That feels awkward.

I think I'll ask her friend if she really is a she...

 

[Persona7]

wait, let me read this again

 

[pupcoffee]

Don't beat yourself up over failing to master you unconscious.

Do go apologize cuz you'll feel better.

 

[DJ Jazzy J]

I'm sorry that happened. I know exactly how you feel and I'm not really sure of the best way to handle it. This summer was the first time I was in a position where I was regularly interacting with trans people. I think until you are in a situation like that, you don't really realize how gendered our everyday conversation is. My best advice (not that you asked) is just to make a conscious effort and be more aware of using gendered speech in all conversations. You don't have to stop but if you are always more conscious than when you are interacting with this woman in the future, it's easier to make sure you are saying the right thing. What was suggested to me (but which I didn't do bc it felt insincere) was to make a conscious decision to remove all references to gender from my vernacular. Like I said, I didn't go that route but it's another option.

 

[Serpentine]

I call all my friends "dude" but i don't think most people do, so it really wouldn't hurt to apologize anyway

 

[DJ Jazzy J]

I think I might.

Here's the issue though... I'm actually assuming she wants to be referred to as a women. I've never been informed officially, so to apologize is basically to ask "so what gender are you anyway?" That feels awkward.

I think I'll ask her friend if she really is a she...

There's also nothing wrong with asking what pronouns she prefers. In addition to he and she, she (assuming) may prefer they or ce/zi which is a non-gendered pronoun. It shows you respect her and gives her the opportunity to self identify.

 

[Escape Goat]

Just tell her next time you didnt intend to offend her. Any offense was a result of your unfamiliarity with trans persons. The fact you are signaling to her that you are sensitive to her feelings and any mistakes in regards to language is born from that infrequent familiarity would mean a lot Im sure.

 

[Xe4]

I say that all the time to girls, call 'em dude as well. Although I could see how that could be more of a problem with a transgender person. *shrugs*

 

[M0nochromatic]

I usually use dumb terms like duder and broseph when referring to friends as well. If you feel like you messed up, definitely apologize, it's never good to just let things linger in the hope that they'll go away. If she did feel slighted, communication should clear it up. If she didn't, then talking about it can't hurt anything, at worst it makes it mildly awkward.

 

[King Tubby]

I call women "man" or "dude" all the time. It's non-gendered to me in that context. I mean, it's not like you would say "see you woman" or "see you girl" or "see you lady" etc etc.

Yea definitely go back there and apologize. What you just did is the equivalent thing to "see ya n*gger"

Uhhhh

I guess what I'm worried about is the tiny possibility that I ask the question and then the answer is "huh? I'm a dude" and just gives off female persona for style or (even less possibility) by accident.

If you are beating yourself up over your strongly held perception that this person is a female, you won't be the first person to ask this question or have this ambiguity. In any event he or she will appreciate your asking because it shows that you give a shit.

 

[BocoDragon]

There's also nothing wrong with asking what pronouns she prefers.

I guess what I'm worried about is the tiny possibility that I ask the question and then the answer is "huh? I'm a dude" and just gives off female persona for style or (even less possibility) by accident.

Gender is hard >< I saw a post on my FB that said "the next time you're confused about what gender someone is... Just go about your day and don't worry about it". Well that's easy for you to SAY but....

 

[DOWN]

I haven't slipped up in front of the trans person I know, but I felt badly when I was talking about them casually and accidentally said the previously used pronoun once. It's hard when you knew them before sometimes so I really hope my efforts to not slip up don't ever fail.

 

[Dryk]

I've been known to call women "man", but in this situation it's probably best to apologise just in case.

 

[Alchemy]

I think I might.

Here's the issue though... I'm actually assuming she wants to be referred to as a women. I've never been informed officially, so to apologize is basically to ask "so what gender are you anyway?" That feels awkward.

I think I'll ask her friend if she really is a she...

Most trans peopleI know are ok being asked what their preferred pronouns are. Just explainyou feel bad and ask her what pronouns she prefers. Asking her directly actually shows you care which is a good thing.

 

[Escape Goat]

I haven't slipped up in front of the trans person I know, but I felt badly when I was talking about them casually and accidentally said the previously used pronoun once. It's hard when you knew them before sometimes so I really hope my efforts to not slip up don't ever fail.

I referred to a drag queen as a he once and she got all cheeky. Its bad form to refer to them as men when they are in character apparently.

 

[Werewolf Jones]

You really shouldn't think so heavily of it. If this is your first time speaking to them and not the last just explain yourself, if you had a positive conversation I don't think they will be so hung up. Just speak again and say sorry. We all make mistakes.

 

[DJ Jazzy J]

I guess what I'm worried about is the tiny possibility that I ask the question and then the answer is "huh? I'm a dude" and just gives off female persona for style or (even less possibility) by accident.

Gender is hard >< I saw a post on my FB that said "the next time you're confused about what gender someone is... Just go about your day and don't worry about it". Well that's easy for you to SAY but....

Hahahahaha, that would be terrible! But don't ask what gender they are, just ask what pronouns they prefer. On the off chance that you just 100% misread the situation, I feel it's probably slightly better than if you had said, "so uh... are you a dude or what?"

 

[Gazoinks]

I guess what I'm worried about is the tiny possibility that I ask the question and then the answer is "huh? I'm a dude" and just gives off female persona for style or (even less possibility) by accident.

Which is why you ask what pronouns they prefer, not "are you a girl" or somesuch. Let them define it for you instead of making assumptions.

Anyway yeah, apologize. It's probably not a big deal if it was an accident, but it's good to let them know that it was an accident and you're trying, y'know?

 

[HarryKS]

Dude is idiomatic son.

 

[HUELEN10]

I wouldn't worry too much about; a lot of people including myself casually call people dude or man. Hell, I even say "hey dude" to my female roomie at times.

You meant no harm, it's not a big deal, and if she has a problem, she could voice it to you. That is what people who want to respect each other do, talk about things.

 

[Deified Data]

Ask yourself if you think she'd be more offended at being called "man" or being treated differently due to being transgender and act accordingly.

 

[MIMIC]

Honest mistake. I'd apologize though (because she might fell slighted, but may not tell you).

I'll address a group of my female friends as "guys" all the time, but never just one by herself. Same with my students (when I used to teach)

"GUYS. SHUT THE FUCK UP!" lol

 

[royalan]

Boy do I feel like an idiot.

I stopped to talk with her in the hallway at school. I've had a few classes with her. Because I had to get back to class I took off, and the words just automatically came out of my mouth: "see ya, man."

I immediately regretted it.

I hope she didn't take it as a sign that I didn't see her as a woman... Because I actually do think she comes off as one. I think of her as a girl in my own mind.

But I kept going over why I said it... Would I have said that to another female friend? Honestly no. I don't call girls that. So if I'm being honest, there's some part of my mind that didn't switch over. Like if there's a language processing unit that speaks to different genders in different ways - she was placed in the wrong category. My unconscious part of the brain really felt that I was talking to a guy, despite all of my consious thinking otherwise.

Feels dumb man.

You made an honest mistake. But what's important is you realized it was a mistake, and you feel genuine remorse. Next time you see her, apologize, and if she hasn't picked up on your remorse by then, I'm sure she will by that point.

Honestly, I can't speak for your friend. But a similar thing happened with me and a trans friend of mine back when I was younger. A good friend I met my freshman year in college. At his going away party he gifted me with a pair of silicon breast inserts because I was just starting out doing drag (you don't understand, these things cost hundreds of dollars, and here he was just giving me a pair that his old roommate left to him). I was so honored and touched and excited by the gesture that I ran out into a room full of people, cradling the silicon breasts in my arms, and though I had known my friend for over a year year at this point and had only ever thought of him as a guy in my mind, I shouted out, at the top of my lungs "OMG SHE GAVE ME BOOBS!!!"

I will never forget the look that entire room gave me in that moment. And trust me, I felt as awful about it as you do now. To this day I still think about it, because up until that point, I had never confused pronouns with my friend, and I only ever thought of him as a guy in my mind. I fought back tears the rest of that night.

But when I went to apologize to my friend the next day, he just laughed at me. He knew where my heart was, how awful I felt, and he was touched that I was moved enough to apologize to him.

Basically, you'd be surprised by how far a genuine apology will go, even these days.

 

[BeatResetsTheWorld]

I call all my friends "dude" but i don't think most people do, so it really wouldn't hurt to apologize anyway

Basically this. Male or female it doesn't matter. I wonder if "dude" has a different connotation than "man" though

 

[Nephtis]

like the others said, go apologize

just let her know that you screwed the pooch and did not mean it. Let her know you weren't thinking about gender (ie. you didn't consider her a man therefore "see ya man"). It's just something you say all the time.

 

[ConradCervantes]

I call everyone "dawg." Gender-neutral, and it makes everyone feel they my homie!

 

[BocoDragon]

If it were "dude"... I wouldn't worry. I absolutely call girls dude all the time.

Man is definitely gendered though... at least where I live.

Anyway I talked to her friend. Yes, the friend says this person identifies as female. But the friend admitted to making the same gaffe I did. The person in question doesn't mind as long as it's an unconscious thing and not purposefully/uninformedly referring to her incorrectly.

Yeah I have enough info now to say "hope you didn't take it in that way... sorry" next time I see her.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

 

[HUELEN10]

But thanks to her friend, you already know she didn't take it that way; if you press on, you do risk making a deal about this when there is none to be made and nothing to forgive.

 

[BocoDragon]

But thanks to her friend, you already know she didn't take it that way; if you press on, you do risk making a deal about this when there is none to be made and nothing to forgive.

I wish I read this before I sent her the FB message just now saying sorry!

And she hasn't responded yet. ><

 

[davepoobond]

i would have honestly just not said anything about it and corrected myself for the future.

messaging her about it runs the risk of making it a big deal. maybe they didnt even hear the "man" part?

 

[lexi]

If it were "dude"... I wouldn't worry. I absolutely call girls dude all the time.

Man is definitely gendered though... at least where I live.

I agree with this. I get called dude all the time and it doesn't bother me, I'm not a fan of 'man', though.

 

[HUELEN10]

I wish I read this before I sent her the FB message just now saying sorry!

And she hasn't responded yet. ><

I can only speak for myself; I get annoyed when people make a deal about something that wasn't a deal because it was just a careless comment because then they have the audacity to create a problem out of nothing, which causes me self-doubt. Again, only speaking for myself.


That being said, I let it go, and next time I see that person, so long as they don't try to bring it up AGAIN! It's smooth sailing.


Best of luck dude; don't beat yourself up over it.

 

[You Are Viewtiful]

How did you know she was trans without asking her?

 

[Hollycat]

That's not really all that bad. I'm betting she knew it was a slip of the tongue.

What stings is when someone is obviously intentionally calling a mtf male.

 

[BocoDragon]

I can only speak for myself; I get annoyed when people make a deal about something that wasn't a deal because it was just a careless comment because then they have the audacity to create a problem out of nothing, which causes me self-doubt. Again, only speaking for myself.


That being said, I let it go, and next time I see that person, so long as they don't try to bring it up AGAIN! It's smooth sailing.


Best of luck dude; don't beat yourself up over it.

I phrased the apology in a way that didn't require followup.. "sorry if ya took it that way. Good luck on your paper". That kind of thing. Open and shut.

You're right I should probably just "let it go" now.

How did you know she was trans without asking her?

She could well be cross-dresser or such... but my intuitions turned out to be entirely correct here, so obviously you can make an educated guess based on sight.

 

[RatskyWatsky]

At his going away party he gifted me with a pair of silicon breast inserts because I was just starting out doing drag

You do drag?! :O

 

[webkatt]

I call everyone whores...

 

[jediyoshi]

If it's casual, I call everyone 'dude' as a term of endearment and double down when they point it out. Couldn't care less if someone addressed me with female gendered parlance as a guy. Though I guess the crux of all this is how acquainted you are with the person.

 

[subrock]

I call women dude, man, buddy, etc. all the time. I wouldn't sweat it.

 

[Khaos_Knight]

Eh I wouldn't worry about it. They've most likely get called much worse things and its not like you said it out of malice. It was just a simple mistake. I've said the same thing to females a few times before.