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[redlegs87]

Did anything special (or just something unusual) happen or what?

My panic attack kind of finally shocked me to look at getting an appointment for a doctor (and a dentist), though i'm not sure how long i can keep up this "promise" (i have excellent promise-ignoring skills).
Because i've had stuff happen before.
I did visit a therapist once (that is, a few times). Unfortunately it didn't help any, and the therapist never gave any instructions or anything. Got kind of annoyed after the final session and stopped visiting.


(Still looking through the goddamn sites for doctors/dentists, such a fucking mess. Perhaps i should become a web-designer and somehow get to design something useful for them...)

Oh, look, fuck My important stuff tomorrow requires waking up early (mostly because traveling takes an hour). Fucking great (I'm the sort who prefers sleeping late and staying up late).

I am not really sure what made me snap to and want to change things. I guess it comes down to the fact even at my most depressed I just didn't want to exist. Suicide has never crossed my mind because I am afraid of death. I would rather just blink out of existence then kill myself I know that seems conflicting but it's the way I am.

I've had similar revelations before but I've always bit off more then I could chew at the start and would become discouraged. Being able to quit smoking is the biggest boon to my pushing on. If I can quit that which had a major grip on me I can get past most anything.

The getting out of bed in the morning thing. The second I wake up I bolt out of bed otherwise I would probably stay in bed longer then I should.

 

[Woorloog]

I am not really sure what made me snap to and want to change things. I guess it comes down to the fact even at my most depressed I just didn't want to exist. Suicide has never crossed my mind because I am afraid of death. I would rather just blink out of existence then kill myself I know that seems conflicting but it's the way I am.

I've read that sufficiently depressed people don't necessarily suicide, because they don't have energy/will/motivation to do that. Reckon that many (me included) prefer that idea of just ceasing existing... Kind of a good thing, ironically enough, i guess, as that won't happen.
I kind of just ignore any suicidal thoughts. They're routine, i'm like, "yeah yeah, heard that before; next idea, brain".

I've had similar revelations before but I've always bit off more then I could chew at the start and would become discouraged. Being able to quit smoking is the biggest boon to my pushing on. If I can quit that which had a major grip on me I can get past most anything.

I have no vices like smoking or drinking, so can't try to stop such. Not doing anything kind of makes stopping doing nothing difficult. 0-0=0

The getting out of bed in the morning thing. The second I wake up I bolt out of bed otherwise I would probably stay in bed longer then I should.

I keep an alarm every day even if i'm not going anywhere. I do rise up pretty reliably (if late), but man, i just hate rising up early.
Kind of easier now that it is spring, fucking sun wakes me up anyway. Unfortunately.

EDIT Finally found what i was looking for from the dentist's (and doctor's) web page. Kind of missed it because i was so distressed.
And here's one reason i'm so bad at doing anything: I hate having to call anywhere. We have fucking internet, can't i just fill out some form? Would prefer that to talking.

 

[redlegs87]

I've read that sufficiently depressed people don't necessarily suicide, because they don't have energy/will/motivation to do that. Reckon that many (me included) prefer that idea of just ceasing existing... Kind of a good thing, ironically enough, i guess, as that won't happen.
I kind of just ignore any suicidal thoughts. They're routine, i'm like, "yeah yeah, heard that before; next idea, brain".


I have no vices like smoking or drinking, so can't try to stop such. Not doing anything kind of makes stopping doing nothing difficult. 0-0=0

I keep an alarm every day even if i'm not going anywhere. I do rise up pretty reliably (if late), but man, i just hate rising up early.
Kind of easier now that it is spring, fucking sun wakes me up anyway. Unfortunately.

EDIT Finally found what i was looking for from the dentist's (and doctor's) web page. Kind of missed it because i was so distressed.
And here's one reason i'm so bad at doing anything: I hate having to call anywhere. We have fucking internet, can't i just fill out some form? Would prefer that to talking.

You doing nothing is something you can stop not doing......I think that makes sense.

Yes calling and making appointments and dealing with that stuff is very stressful for me to. Gives me knots in my stomach most of the time but I have to do it.

 

[Woorloog]

You doing nothing is something you can stop not doing......I think that makes sense.

Yes calling and making appointments and dealing with that stuff is very stressful for me to. Gives me knots in my stomach most of the time but I have to do it.

That would require starting something.
My point was, you managed to stop something and thus gained a boost in confidence (or something), so it helps keep going. Get some momentum behind things.
Just starting something is difficult... especially when i have no idea what i could start. EDIT Though i see a flaw in my point, because the way you describe it, you just stopped smoking, soo... but whatever. I'm good with ignoring such things.

I have issues specifically with calling. I don't like even calling my friends, i prefer setting up meetings etc. via text messages.
If i could just fill out some form to go to a doctor, or such, that'd be so much easier. Calling is an annoying middleman in the process.

Oh, and that "knots in stomach"? That reminds me of the last time i had a panic attack, years ago (well, the last time i remember, i may have had one or two later... or maybe not. My long-term memory is really, really bad nowadays, presumably due to depression). I was going to call someone... which triggered a panic attack. And when i finally got things under control, no one answered (can't recall if called again later).

 

[mugurumakensei]

Has anyone taken Latuda? How was it?

 

[MisterLuffy]

It seems like you are learning new material. Your brain is trying to incorporate this new information into its memory and "connect the dots." This takes time. Instead of focusing on what you don't understand, try to find any piece of information in the new information, no matter how small, that you do understand or are somewhat familiar with. Then try to figure out how the information that you do understand on some level relates to the information that you don't understand. Think of it like a puzzle. Take it one concept at a time.

Also, everyone is different. Some people will understand new pieces of information almost instantaneously while others cry themselves to sleep at night trying to understand. People's experiences and understandings of these experiences have more or less prepared them for learning a specific type of knowledge. At this point in your life, your experiences and your understandings of your experiences have not prepared you in a way to make you learn the information with ease. As such, make up for it by constantly coming back to the material. Take breaks if you have to for hours, days, and maybe even weeks. This will give your mind time to process the information in its memory.

In order to understand the material, you will have no choice but to be persistent in this case. Think smaller if you have to. Simplify things as much as possible. Keep working at it until you simplify more and more in your mind. Apply the knowledge to novel situations to see if you understand it. Applying knowledge, in my opinion, is the best way to understand it and therefore retain it well. It will give you purpose in your learning vs. route learning. Ask yourself: "What fucking problems originally gave rise to these concepts, what other problems can they solve, and what problems do these concepts create? Asking questions will prepare your brain to think at a higher level. It will give your brain a task or tasks to work on. Even when you are not consciously working on the problems, your mind will continue working on the problem outside of your conscious awareness. However, asking questions is simply not enough. You have to ask the right questions in the right order. If all else fails, go back to old material. Check the understandings in your memory. I feel the more connective your memory, the easier it will be for you to understand new material. I mean look at our brains. It is an overwhelmingly complex connective web. Try to form memories in the same way our brain is set up, like a connective web.

Even if you do not gain a deep understanding of the material by the class's end, fuck it. You did not have the prerequisite experiences and understanding of these experiences to understand the information in the period of time that equals the length of the class. Don't fret it. Keep learning and try hard and eventually your mind will generate enough memories from experience that you will gain insights into what the fuck you were learning. You will look back and say "man this is all so easy now", wishing you had this level of understanding during the class. But that is the nature of learning sometimes.

Thanks. I usually don't ask questions in class because it's often too general. When I don't understand the problem as a whole, I tend to ask questions that are too general. I would like to generate questions in my brain when there is a material I'm not familiar with or confused with. But usually my brain goes blank, and I couldn't come up with questions on the fly. I also dislike that when I try to ask a question, I felt that I didn't know what I was asking.

 

[DrM]

Ugh, another hard day today,.. Good thing is that I will go back to work on Tuesday... bad thing --> everything else...looks like fatigue of fighting my mind for the last 13 days is slowly biting me back... my head hurts, energy level near zero...

thanks for your response. I will still try to get through to them but if everything fails I will take your words to heart and just accept it as it is. as sad as it might be.
but right know I've not given up just yet.
it sounds horrible what happened in your family, like I said I made experiences with that as well so yeah... it's like a common plague in some ways.

all that aside: hope you're feeling better

I really hope that you can turn them around and that is not too late

Alcohol truly is evil thing, when consumes someone so much, that he cannot function without it. I nearly went into that spiral after my first breakdown... 6 beers each day at minimum... I was feeling better when drunk, but you had to drink more to keep the effect running. Thankfully I went to therapy for the right time and there I realized that I do not want to be like my dad.

Therapy doesn't rely on magic words. It tends, at least in my experience, to assist in developing different ways of looking at and thinking about both people and the world, as well as one's own understanding of his/her personal history. I never had a sense of magical transformation in therapy. I was eventually able to shrug off some pretty damned counterproductive thought-habits--a lot of the things we think, it turned out, are rooted in habit.

I don't think any of it is a quick fix. It's work.

Very well written. Therapy requires a lot of work with yourself - therapist will give you advice, guidelines, techniques to cope with problems, maybe some literature to read. And then it is up to you. Therapist will be there as guiding light on sea, but you have to make it between the rocks by yourself.

 

[Evil_Silver]

Thanks. I usually don't ask questions in class because it's often too general. When I don't understand the problem as a whole, I tend to ask questions that are too general. I would like to generate questions in my brain when there is a material I'm not familiar with or confused with. But usually my brain goes blank, and I couldn't come up with questions on the fly. I also dislike that when I try to ask a question, I felt that I didn't know what I was asking.

If you don't understand the problem as a whole, try to break the whole problem into sub problems and those sub problems into more sub problems if you have to. Then work from there.

 

[Woorloog]

Uh, that's one thong done. Now I need to get others done... Wonder how long I have energy and will to keep going.
Edit next various doctors...

 

[taoofjord]

Anyone have luck finding an anti-anxiety medication that doesn't make you clench your jaw or grind your teeth (assuming you had the reaction from one or more medications)?

 

[Various Artists]

GAF, the last two weeks have been the most emotionally dense in my entire life. I might as well spill it all here.

Two weeks ago my wife told me she was pregnant. Great news right? Well why don't I feel happy about it. I feel like the life I knew is ending. I feel like I have just been given a 25-life sentence. Of course I don't mention of this to her but its how I feel.

So because of that I have been trying to cut costs around the house as much as possible. It is super petty and sounds terrible but I am legitimately depressed that I had to make some life adjustments. I traded in my Mercedes for a Honda. This made me really sad when I should be happy because it is for the better of the family. Some people don't even have a car let alone a luxury sedan and I am already feeling resentment over it. It makes me feel like a really bad person.

After that I visited with my mom the next day. She is disabled with COPD and has a real hard time breathing and getting around too much. She lives in the in law apartment of my sisters house and they just don't treat her right. They are constantly stealing her food or will take her debit card and not give it back. She cant carry the trash out but they will walk by it everyday and not help. My sister drinks too much and one time my mother told her that and then my sister told her to go away and she started cutting herself. She says she is afraid of my brother in law as well.

Finding housing for the disabled can be really difficult. My mother has almost no income. I have offered to let her move in with me but she doesn't want to because she has her own bathroom and kitchen at my sisters. It is quite difficult, there is some paperwork my sister, wife and I are trying to work on this weekend to get her housing but I don't know how that will go. I feel like she has had such a tough life (my dad left her maybe 15 years ago but still borrows money and doesn't pay her back) For some reason, this whole week I have been thinking of how sad I will be when she passes away and how she never got the life she deserved and how unfair that is. I've been crying everyday since Saturday and I don't think I have in years since that.

Then today I got an email from my oldest friend, notifying me of a bachelor party coming up. I hadn't seen him since February, and hadn't heard from him in March. He and my other group of friends never really reply to my emails. I sent out an email asking if we could hang out on March 6th and never heard back from a single one of them. So at that point I decided I was going to wait until one of them emailed me to tell them how I felt. I was cordial but told him I couldn't be friends with him "on his terms" and I wanted more than a "part time friend". In his email he wrote "Lets hang out now that the weather is better!" I wrote back "What was so bad about the weather in March and early April that we couldn't hang out?" I feel like in a way I just broke up with my best friend and it hurts. The only person I have that I would really consider my friend is my brother now.

Well at least I have a therapy appointment tonight but she is going on medical leave after this week so I really hope I get better soon. I feel like I had a life for 30 years and that's all ending and the future looks murky.

It sucks, but thanks for letting me vent. I don't mind if you skipped over my post but then you wouldn't know I wrote that if you did.

 

[Kipp]

The hardest part about this "it gets worse before it gets better" starting phase of SSRIs is that I'm really tempted to do stupid stuff because of how I temporarily feel. I know I'll start feeling better in a matter of weeks, but because of how I feel right now, I'm really tempted to quit my job because it's pretty miserable (mostly because of my mood, I presume, but it's not like I ever loved the job).

Anyone have luck finding an anti-anxiety medication that doesn't make you clench your jaw or grind your teeth (assuming you had the reaction from one or more medications)?

Are you on SSRIs too?
Today in particular this has been bugging me so much. I've even got a slight headache from grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw so much. I can't stop. I keep having to bite my tongue or cheeks to stop myself.

It's kind of funny (but not really), it's like the side effects from my SSRI take turns. One day I'll be incredibly tired and lethargic, the next day I'll be nauseous, the next day I'll be grinding my teeth, etc.
I suppose it's better than all at once.

 

[JeTmAn81]

GAF, the last two weeks have been the most emotionally dense in my entire life. I might as well spill it all here.

Two weeks ago my wife told me she was pregnant. Great news right? Well why don't I feel happy about it. I feel like the life I knew is ending. I feel like I have just been given a 25-life sentence. Of course I don't mention of this to her but its how I feel.

So because of that I have been trying to cut costs around the house as much as possible. It is super petty and sounds terrible but I am legitimately depressed that I had to make some life adjustments. I traded in my Mercedes for a Honda. This made me really sad when I should be happy because it is for the better of the family. Some people don't even have a car let alone a luxury sedan and I am already feeling resentment over it. It makes me feel like a really bad person.

After that I visited with my mom the next day. She is disabled with COPD and has a real hard time breathing and getting around too much. She lives in the in law apartment of my sisters house and they just don't treat her right. They are constantly stealing her food or will take her debit card and not give it back. She cant carry the trash out but they will walk by it everyday and not help. My sister drinks too much and one time my mother told her that and then my sister told her to go away and she started cutting herself. She says she is afraid of my brother in law as well.

Finding housing for the disabled can be really difficult. My mother has almost no income. I have offered to let her move in with me but she doesn't want to because she has her own bathroom and kitchen at my sisters. It is quite difficult, there is some paperwork my sister, wife and I are trying to work on this weekend to get her housing but I don't know how that will go. I feel like she has had such a tough life (my dad left her maybe 15 years ago but still borrows money and doesn't pay her back) For some reason, this whole week I have been thinking of how sad I will be when she passes away and how she never got the life she deserved and how unfair that is. I've been crying everyday since Saturday and I don't think I have in years since that.

Then today I got an email from my oldest friend, notifying me of a bachelor party coming up. I hadn't seen him since February, and hadn't heard from him in March. He and my other group of friends never really reply to my emails. I sent out an email asking if we could hang out on March 6th and never heard back from a single one of them. So at that point I decided I was going to wait until one of them emailed me to tell them how I felt. I was cordial but told him I couldn't be friends with him "on his terms" and I wanted more than a "part time friend". In his email he wrote "Lets hang out now that the weather is better!" I wrote back "What was so bad about the weather in March and early April that we couldn't hang out?" I feel like in a way I just broke up with my best friend and it hurts. The only person I have that I would really consider my friend is my brother now.

Well at least I have a therapy appointment tonight but she is going on medical leave after this week so I really hope I get better soon. I feel like I had a life for 30 years and that's all ending and the future looks murky.

It sucks, but thanks for letting me vent. I don't mind if you skipped over my post but then you wouldn't know I wrote that if you did.

Give the baby stuff some time, after the kid comes out it will be hard to think about other things anyway. A child is the definition of precious, or rather priceless. You cannot buy that child anywhere. They cannot be duplicated. They come from you, they look like you, they are breathing, thinking, feeling organisms and it is fascinating to watch them develop. The thing to work on is your attitude towards life. Remember that possessions can bring you some temporary joy but they are ultimately meaningless. Family and the love you have together are forever. Think ahead of your life in 20 years and decide if you'd rather have two decades of memories with a brand new life or if you'd rather have a nice car.

 

[RoyaleDuke]

Chewie, I really don't know what to say other than I'm sincerely sorry that you're suffering. Please keep posting and keeping us updated. Hang in there, to the best of your ability.

I like your avatar, by the way. I'm a sucker for really contrast-y colors.



Also here, RoyaleDuke, I wish I knew the perfect thing to say. Hopefully it brings you some semblance of peace knowing that there are others out there who are reading your posts and wishing you relief from your suffering and difficulties.

I find your thoughts on religion really interesting, actually. You've clearly contemplated some very big things (the abyss of the universe itself!), things that many people go through an entire lifetime without considering (or they avoid considering them).

I hope you're able to continue work on your novel soon, and I hope you keep posting here to let us know if there's anything GAF can do.



I know this is so obvious you've already thought of this, but on the chance that there is a health issue going on, it's better to catch it sooner rather than later.

Everyone has their own ways of motivating themselves to finally do the things they've been avoiding. Do you have any tricks you can apply to this one?



If your intrusive thoughts are destroying your ability to function or are imploring you to hurt yourself (or others) please go to an emergency room immediately.

Thanks for replying Piano, I really appreciate it and it does bring me some peace. I have an intake exam with Northrange Behavioral next Wednesday in the morning, they were really nice on the phone and they say they can help me it sounds like I've needed help for some time. Basically, they are going to do some baseline readings and stick me in a room with a psychologist and therapist and go from there.

It feels strange and terrifying going in for help after all these years but I can't fight this alone anymore. I've been off my meds for years because they never helped before and if anything made most things worse but I just don't know what to do anymore.

Thanks for the well wishes, as I try to weather this storm and make something of myself. I'll try to keep in touch with the people here.

I'm thinking of posting up the first 10 chapters later today, and try to get some real feedback. I still have 20 more chapters to write give or take, and a ton of editing to do.

 

[Piano]

/streamofconsciousnessramblings

(most celebratory smiley I could find)
I'm so glad things are looking up for you and I hope you keep as posted as you continue to work towards making big changes

I've read that sufficiently depressed people don't necessarily suicide, because they don't have energy/will/motivation to do that. Reckon that many (me included) prefer that idea of just ceasing existing... Kind of a good thing, ironically enough, i guess, as that won't happen.
I kind of just ignore any suicidal thoughts. They're routine, i'm like, "yeah yeah, heard that before; next idea, brain".

Yeah, I find that there has to be some anger or self hatred intersecting with my suicidal thinking for it to cross from "I wish I could just stop existing" to "I want to take action against my own existence"

It kinda is noise after a while, isn't it?

EDIT Finally found what i was looking for from the dentist's (and doctor's) web page. Kind of missed it because i was so distressed.
And here's one reason i'm so bad at doing anything: I hate having to call anywhere. We have fucking internet, can't i just fill out some form? Would prefer that to talking.

Uh, that's one thong done. Now I need to get others done... Wonder how long I have energy and will to keep going.
Edit next various doctors...

Progress!

Also, about your sleep/wake schedule - I've been told it gets better as you get older. Had a couple of people I know tell me that as they moved into their late 20s they just started waking up earlier and earlier. I'm in my mid-20s and, for the first time in my life, I naturally wake up around 10:30AM, even on weekends. Two years ago it was an achievement if I got out of bed before 1PM on a day off. So maybe they're right? We'll see...

Anyone have luck finding an anti-anxiety medication that doesn't make you clench your jaw or grind your teeth (assuming you had the reaction from one or more medications)?

Buspirone worked WONDERS for me, though apparently for many people it's placebo. YMMV, I guess.

The only sure bet are the benzos, and, unfortunately, they've got loads of issues.

Today in particular this has been bugging me so much. I've even got a slight headache from grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw so much. I can't stop. I keep having to bite my tongue or cheeks to stop myself.

It's kind of funny (but not really), it's like the side effects from my SSRI take turns. One day I'll be incredibly tired and lethargic, the next day I'll be nauseous, the next day I'll be grinding my teeth, etc.
I suppose it's better than all at once.

Is this your first time on an SSRI?
I had somewhat similar struggles with LexaPro but they evened out eventually.
It still "hypes me up" a bit but not as much as it did initially.

<3

 

[Piano]

GAF, the last two weeks have been the most emotionally dense in my entire life. I might as well spill it all here.

I really don't have anything to add that JeTmAn81 didn't already cover brilliantly, as I don't yet have children of my own.

But I wanted to emphasize that even if your feelings are this way or that way, they are your feelings and thus are valid. You can spend your whole life fighting your feelings and you'll never win. If you believe that what you're feeling is irrational or without basis then you can recognize that and do so without putting yourself down for having whatever feelings your brain decided to mix up today. "I'm feeling these things; I think they're kinda irrational" is better than "I'm feeling these things; they're stupid and I'm an idiot."

It does sound like an emotionally dense time you've had. Wish I had more anecdotes to add about child rearing but alas...I'm not there yet.

Thanks for replying Piano, I really appreciate it and it does bring me some peace. I have an intake exam with Northrange Behavioral next Wednesday in the morning, they were really nice on the phone and they say they can help me it sounds like I've needed help for some time. Basically, they are going to do some baseline readings and stick me in a room with a psychologist and therapist and go from there.

It feels strange and terrifying going in for help after all these years but I can't fight this alone anymore. I've been off my meds for years because they never helped before and if anything made most things worse but I just don't know what to do anymore.

Thanks for the well wishes, as I try to weather this storm and make something of myself. I'll try to keep in touch with the people here.

I'm thinking of posting up the first 10 chapters later today, and try to get some real feedback. I still have 20 more chapters to write give or take, and a ton of editing to do.

That sounds like a WONDERFUL step you've taken! I look forward to hearing updates.
Also, check your PMs.

<3

 

[MikeDip]

Piano you are doing incredible work, seriously.
*high five*

 

[A Fish Aficionado]

Piano you are doing incredible work, seriously.
*high five*

X2
One our best regulars

 

[Oxn]

Ive been so stressed at work lately.

Ever since a restructure in our organization, alot of work has been thrown at me. I use to have 1 direct boss, but now its like 5-7 different people asking me to do shiet for them now.

So f***ing aggravating.

EDIT: and then my main boss thinks i dont do anything because he only sees the work that I do for him, and not the stuff I do that others ask of me.

 

[SniperHunter]

Ever since I discovered I had hardcore severe sleep apnea...after doing the sleep studies and buying the CPAP machine and using it daily since November 2014, my mental health has improved greatly. One thing is for sure, if I eat any wheat related foods, it fucks me up big time. Just last week, I ate 1 full plate of chow mein and I was an anxious mess the next day. If I stick to meat, fish, veggies and rice I am 100% good to go, zero anxiety problems.

My overall life has dramatically improved, however I wish I had discovered this 10 years ago. I am pretty sure I have been suffering from sleep apnea since grade 10 or 11, the condition really fucks up your brain big time. I feel bad for anyone suffering from this horrific and stealthy disease

 

[User 479360]

Chewie, I really don't know what to say other than I'm sincerely sorry that you're suffering. Please keep posting and keeping us updated. Hang in there, to the best of your ability.

I like your avatar, by the way. I'm a sucker for really contrast-y colors.

Thanks for the kind words, support and comment on my avatar. I thought it looked really interesting when I found it on Google, and am a big fan as well.

Things are going better, but I'm still stuck in a huge rut and today had its ups and downs.

 

[RoyaleDuke]

That sounds like a WONDERFUL step you've taken! I look forward to hearing updates.
Also, check your PMs.

<3

I'll make sure to post updates and keep in touch here. Don't worry. But thank you everyone.

 

[Bel Marduk]

So...

I would like to check myself into a mental hospital for a few days because I'm under extreme emotional duress... only thing is, I haven't been to one since I was 15 and my parents sent me.

Will they detain me longer than that? I'm kind of scared to do it. What do I tell my job? Will my insurance even cover it?

What if its like the asylum on American Horror Story?

This has become necessary but I'm really scared.

 

[sineclamor]

So...

I would like to check myself into a mental hospital for a few days because I'm under extreme emotional duress... only thing is, I haven't been to one since I was 15 and my parents sent me.

Will they detain me longer than that? I'm kind of scared to do it. What do I tell my job? Will my insurance even cover it?

What if its like the asylum on American Horror Story?

This has become necessary but I'm really scared.

I recently went in for inpatient alcohol detox/ anxiety treatment. The detainment thing will wear on you. I just kept walking to the ward's outside door and wondering why I had surrendered my will to an outside entity. I ended up acting like I was completely cured just to get out of there. You can leave against doctor's orders, but that was my nuclear option. I talked my way out of there. That was my experience, but maybe inpatient will help you. I wish you the very best.

I started drinking again after 2 weeks out, half to forget the people I saw there. I bet a lot of people on GAF are supporting helpless family/friends who keep fucking them over. I'm one of those. I wish I was strong but I'm just not, and I'm very sorry.

 

[Evil_Silver]

Ever since I discovered I had hardcore severe sleep apnea...after doing the sleep studies and buying the CPAP machine and using it daily since November 2014, my mental health has improved greatly. One thing is for sure, if I eat any wheat related foods, it fucks me up big time. Just last week, I ate 1 full plate of chow mein and I was an anxious mess the next day. If I stick to meat, fish, veggies and rice I am 100% good to go, zero anxiety problems.

My overall life has dramatically improved, however I wish I had discovered this 10 years ago. I am pretty sure I have been suffering from sleep apnea since grade 10 or 11, the condition really fucks up your brain big time. I feel bad for anyone suffering from this horrific and stealthy disease

I suffered from sleep apnea since middle school or possibly even longer . It truly did a number my brain. There have been times that I literally felt like I may be retarded (no intention to offend). I am so mad and upset over how many years of my life it has literally stolen from me. It makes me really depressed.

 

[Evil_Silver]

Has anyone ever contemplated suicide but didn't want to die? Like being stuck in limbo. It's like that quote from The Road. &#8220;Nobody wants to be here and nobody wants to leave." I feel so scared, anxious, and sad. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. For all the people going through this, I love you.

 

[daniels]

Has anyone ever contemplated suicide but didn't want to die? Like being stuck in limbo. It's like that quote from The Road. &#8220;Nobody wants to be here and nobody wants to leave." I feel so scared, anxious, and sad. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. For all the people going through this, I love you.

Yeah i know this but from social anxiety it is similar in that you are stuck between two things you really want with the crazy twist that they cancel each other out :X
Like you want to meet people or buy grocerys but you dont want or cant do it because of the fear so you sit around and fight for hours with yourself and your thoughts weighing pros and cons as if this changes how your amygdala makes you feel lol
I really think a good doc with moderate medication is the thing that finally can help with similar dangerous mindsets.

 

[LilWayneSuckz]

Has anyone ever contemplated suicide but didn't want to die? Like being stuck in limbo. It's like that quote from The Road. “Nobody wants to be here and nobody wants to leave." I feel so scared, anxious, and sad. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. For all the people going through this, I love you.

Every day.

It's a horrible feeling that I think about every time I'm sad, have a bad social experience, or whenever I feel lonely (which is everyday at this point)

 

[Team Alucard]

Has anyone ever contemplated suicide but didn't want to die? Like being stuck in limbo. It's like that quote from The Road. “Nobody wants to be here and nobody wants to leave." I feel so scared, anxious, and sad. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. For all the people going through this, I love you.

I want to die, but the only thing holding me back is guilt for what it would do to my family. They don't deserve that, and the least I can do is to pretend to be happy and normal for their sake. That's why I took out a life insurance policy, so if the day comes when I do check out they will at the very least be reimbursed financially for all the wasted time and effort in raising a worthless broken human being.

I think that's also why my fantasies and ideations about death have gone from suicide to me dying in accidents that are out of my control. Some of them have gotten absurd, almost Final Destination-esque.

 

[Various Artists]

I don't think life insurance pays out for suicide. At least not all do. Another reason to live!

 

[Team Alucard]

I don't think life insurance pays out for suicide. At least not all do. Another reason to live!

My plan does provided that you've been paying the premiums for at least 2 years.

 

[Various Artists]

My plan does provided that you've been paying the premiums for at least 2 years.

Still, find a reason to want to live. Anything.

 

[DrM]

I just love it when somebody you talked to everyday about usual day to day stuff in last three weeks suddenly loses all interest in you. At least send me a sms on the phone that you do not wish to talk to me anymore and I will understand it, delete your number and won't bother you again, not just to stop communicating. If I have put away 100 &#8364; each time this happened to me in last few years, I could buy a new car right now I need to talk to my therapist about this, probably there is also a problem on my side.

Also, I started again with long walks each evening. I made over 15 km (I just love Sports tracker app for the Android) this week already and I feel so much better after each walk.. this is the advantage of living in the village

 

[ampere]

Also, I started again with long walks each evening. I made over 15 km (I just love Sports tracker app for the Android) this week already and I feel so much better after each walk.. this is the advantage of living in the village

That's great. Exercise is good for you and having a nice little change of scenery can be peaceful. Keep doing the walks for sure!

 

[boredofcanada]

I'm pretty depressed right now. Family member died tragically two weeks ago, my supposed best friend of 20 years ended our friendship, and the chick I like said forget it last night. I feel like a total loser, even though I know I'm
not. I'm on anti depressants and I'm in therapy but I don't really feel like it's working. I guess I should just hold on and let it pass. I just need an outlet to vent right now, and GAF will do.

 

[Various Artists]

I'm pretty depressed right now. Family member died tragically two weeks ago, my supposed best friend of 20 years ended our friendship, and the chick I like said forget it last night. I feel like a total loser, even though I know I'm
not. I'm on anti depressants and I'm in therapy but I don't really feel like it's working. I guess I should just hold on and let it pass. I just need an outlet to vent right now, and GAF will do.

Sounds like a string of really lousy luck. Im sorry, keep your head up!

 

[DrM]

That's great. Exercise is good for you and having a nice little change of scenery can be peaceful. Keep doing the walks for sure!

I will, even though I have a very tiring job (moving several tonnes of goods each day by hand), but at least 3 km walk / run each evening will be on schedule. It is so nice to have a walk in this beautiful weather. But even in rain, I will walk.

I'm pretty depressed right now. Family member died tragically two weeks ago, my supposed best friend of 20 years ended our friendship, and the chick I like said forget it last night. I feel like a total loser, even though I know I'm
not. I'm on anti depressants and I'm in therapy but I don't really feel like it's working. I guess I should just hold on and let it pass. I just need an outlet to vent right now, and GAF will do.

This is why we are here. Vent it out, we will listen to you, keep your head up and do not give up!

 

[Piano]

Ever since I discovered I had hardcore severe sleep apnea...after doing the sleep studies and buying the CPAP machine and using it daily since November 2014, my mental health has improved greatly. One thing is for sure, if I eat any wheat related foods, it fucks me up big time. Just last week, I ate 1 full plate of chow mein and I was an anxious mess the next day. If I stick to meat, fish, veggies and rice I am 100% good to go, zero anxiety problems.

My overall life has dramatically improved, however I wish I had discovered this 10 years ago. I am pretty sure I have been suffering from sleep apnea since grade 10 or 11, the condition really fucks up your brain big time. I feel bad for anyone suffering from this horrific and stealthy disease

Wow, I had no idea the effects of sleep apnea could be so far reaching. Did you snore? Is it possible to have sleep apnea if you don't snore?

Thanks for the kind words, support and comment on my avatar. I thought it looked really interesting when I found it on Google, and am a big fan as well.

Things are going better, but I'm still stuck in a huge rut and today had its ups and downs.

Ups and downs are (unfortunately) inevitable but I'm glad to here that things are going at least slightly better

So...

I would like to check myself into a mental hospital for a few days because I'm under extreme emotional duress... only thing is, I haven't been to one since I was 15 and my parents sent me.

Will they detain me longer than that? I'm kind of scared to do it. What do I tell my job? Will my insurance even cover it?

What if its like the asylum on American Horror Story?

This has become necessary but I'm really scared.

I'm going to have to disagree with sineclamor; my experience was very different.

I've gone the in-patient route twice now and both were helpful experiences because I (a) did some research and checked myself in at a decent place and (b) I knew what to expect and what I needed to do. Allow me to explain.

The American mental health system is hopelessly overbooked. With scant few exceptions, any given metro area in the US doesn't have enough beds to treat all of those in need of mental health intervention at a given time. As a result many overtaxed mental health facilities have a constantly revolving door of patients, taking 48 or 72 hours to make sure a patient is able to stand up and basically exist before pushing them out the door toward outpatient treatment options. What option do they have? Whenever a new admission walks into the ER in a suicidal state of mind they have to find a way to take them in and due to so-so funding there is limited space.

There aren't any inpatient wards in the states that are like an asylum on American Horror Story but there are quite a few out there who will just kind of keep you for a few days without doing much, ask you if you're suicidal a few times and then let you go. Barring some sort of major malpractice the worst thing that happens is you have a strange and boring few days.

Luckily, if you ask around and research on the internet you should be able to figure out which inpatient treatment options in your area are just holding pens and which ones actually take the time to care for their patients. My two hospitalizations were in two different metro areas and both times I was able to get the low down on the best ER to show up to.

So, let's say you've found a decent place. There are still some things to keep in mind:

+You are giving up your privacy. For obvious liability and patient care reasons any hospital you check into will have you keep a close eye on you while you're there. Expect to have your things searched for any items you could hurt yourself (or others!) with and expect there to be strong limits on what you're allowed to do. Expect to have at least one roommate.

+You won't be getting tons of individual attention. There are a handful of doctors for dozens of patients so, naturally, you're not going to spend long one-on-one time with the doc past your initial intake. If it's a good ward they'll have other qualified folks check on you regularly and available to talk - mental health counselors, nurses, et cetera. The rest of your day will be filled with group activities from exercises to art therapy to discussions.

+You may get stir crazy. Between losing your stuff, being monitored constantly, having to stay in a ward, etc, etc, it's definitely not a vacation. Facilities vary on whether or not they even have a system for letting patients get some fresh air; the first facility I was at took us on walks every day, the second did not. Some people really can't stand how uncomfortable it is for them to lose control for a few days so they struggle against the system and argue and try to talk their way out. This is a losing bet; I'll explain why below.

So, with all of those hurdles why do I still think it's worth going into an inpatient treatment facility? Well, there are some serious benefits, too:

+You get to DROP EVERYTHING and focus on your recovery. I was in college during my first inpatient stint and boy did it take a load off of my shoulders to go into the hospital and narrow my focus for a bit. The facility I was at was kind enough to get in touch with my school for me and no school / workplace can ethically fault you for getting treatment at a hospital. I got to slow down the pace of my life and spent the better part of a week just doing jigsaw puzzles, drawing, contemplating my feelings, writing, and speaking with others who were going through their own struggles. The environment itself was pretty therapeutic. My only job was to think and talk about what was going on and work on making it better.

+Your medications can be changed MUCH more quickly. Both times I went inpatient a big component of my improvement were the changes made to my medications. A big advantage of being is a hospital is that, since you're in a controlled environment and they can monitor you, they're willing to move things around very quickly instead of nudging things for weeks like you do with an outpatient doctor. I was able to stop medications I didn't need cold turkey and start others immediately (at their instruction, of course!).

+You get a fresh perspective. Both times I was inpatient I was seeing an outpatient doctor but things had been getting worse anyways. It was a big help to have a new team of folks take a look at my situation and say "hmm, here's what we think is going on, here's what we think went wrong, and here's what we think you should do next."

+They can refer you to outpatient mental health providers. The hospital doesn't want to keep you forever. Their job is to stabilize you and then recommend what steps to take once you're discharged. Often this can mean putting you in touch with outpatient care resources in your area. Sometimes it'll be a continuing outpatient program offered through the hospital which makes for a very smooth handoff in care.

+You will meet some very interesting people. I don't mean that in a demeaning or voyeuristic way. I was blown away by the wide variety of people in the hospital alongside me, people from every walk of life, some of whom seemed as stable and ordinary as can be on the surface, all struggling with comparable problems. I had some truly amazing conversations with my fellow patients, listening at length to each others life stories and offering some gentle thoughts on each others' situations (remember to be respectful!). A conversation I had my first go around with a old Vietnam vet ended up influencing some big decisions I made down the road. On top of that, it can be therapeutic to be surrounded by this rag tag group of people and watch as some of them get better alongside you.

It all comes down to one simple point:

+You will get out of it what you put in. If you go in wanting to get out as soon as possible, are combative and defensive, refuse to participate in group activities and discussions, spend your time with the doctor complaining about the shortcomings of mental health treatment, etc, you probably won't get much of anything out of inpatient care. However, if you accept the discomforts of the situation, participate with the earnest intention of getting better, spend time preparing for your time with the doctor / advocate for your own cause(**), connect with those around you and keep an open mind you probably will get something out of it, provided you're in a decent facility.

**Seriously I can't emphasize how important this was for me. Ask for (or bring) some notebook paper and a pen and spend some of your free time in the ward logging your feelings. Figure out what's most important to tell the doctor in your 20 minutes and be prepared so you can make the most of it. If you have concerns write them down so you can voice them! The second time I went in I even showed up with some of the stuff I wrote from the first time and gave it to him straight away. He was kind enough to read it that evening and the next time we met he was mostly caught up on what was going on. Didn't have to waste time.

Overall, I regret neither of the times I went into the hospital, even if only because they made some major changes to my medications that really paid off. That being said you have to know what to expect and it needs to be part of a larger narrative of continuing outpatient care.

Sorry to go on so long, and as a disclaimer, this is just my experience (and those of a couple friends). I hope it was helpful and please let me know if you have any questions!

<3

 

[Piano]

Every day.

It's a horrible feeling that I think about every time I'm sad, have a bad social experience, or whenever I feel lonely (which is everyday at this point)

Do you have any idea what's behind the loneliness? Have you been isolated recently?

My plan does provided that you've been paying the premiums for at least 2 years.

Have you gotten rid of your gun yet? Please get rid of it immediately.

I just love it when somebody you talked to everyday about usual day to day stuff in last three weeks suddenly loses all interest in you. At least send me a sms on the phone that you do not wish to talk to me anymore and I will understand it, delete your number and won't bother you again, not just to stop communicating. If I have put away 100 € each time this happened to me in last few years, I could buy a new car right now I need to talk to my therapist about this, probably there is also a problem on my side.

Also, I started again with long walks each evening. I made over 15 km (I just love Sports tracker app for the Android) this week already and I feel so much better after each walk.. this is the advantage of living in the village

I do wish people were more direct in communicating about their social whims but I'm sure I've (unknowingly) done something similar to others at various points at my life. Sometimes we just don't get each others' signals, you know?

And walks are SO GREAT. Keep it up!

I'm pretty depressed right now. Family member died tragically two weeks ago, my supposed best friend of 20 years ended our friendship, and the chick I like said forget it last night. I feel like a total loser, even though I know I'm
not. I'm on anti depressants and I'm in therapy but I don't really feel like it's working. I guess I should just hold on and let it pass. I just need an outlet to vent right now, and GAF will do.

That sounds like a tremendously tough stretch of time and I think it's quite plausible that your level of grief and sadness as simply overcome your defenses against (both medicinally and behaviorally).

For now, I would say let yourself be sad. It makes sense that you're sad. Hopefully it'll clear up in a little while.

<3

 

[Cizeta-Moroder]

Clean exit in progress. Just signed my notification to forfeit study right. I am now officially out of society. Next up, world.

 

[MikeDip]

If someone has any experience in mood swings maybe pm me yeah?

 

[Woorloog]

If someone has any experience in mood swings maybe pm me yeah?

You mean like abrupt, random mood swings or something like that?
(Just for clarification.)


---

I'm pretty sure depression can cause issues with long term memory, but what about short term?
I'm assuming a thing i just forgot completely was just because i'm a bit sick (on top of everything now), and kind of pre-occupied but i can't help but worry... I don't recall having short term memory issues before really, so probabilities are there's nothing wrong. Maybe.

 

[MikeDip]

You mean like abrupt, random mood swings or something like that?
(Just for clarification.)


---

I'm pretty sure depression can cause issues with long term memory, but what about short term?
I'm assuming a thing i just forgot completely was just because i'm a bit sick (on top of everything now), and kind of pre-occupied but i can't help but worry... I don't recall having short term memory issues before really, so probabilities are there's nothing wrong. Maybe.

I don't know. I can't clarify and hate that I can't.

Also my entire memory has gone to hell so I feel you. Long term is slowly going on things that were less engrained. Short term also sucks.

 

[Woorloog]

I don't know. I can't clarify and hate that I can't.

Also my entire memory has gone to hell so I feel you. Long term is slowly going on things that were less engrained. Short term also sucks.

I figure that if mood swings are random, with no clear trigger, or very abrupt (again with no clear cause), then they're probably caused by... something? I don't know.

I know my moods are relatively even, though i have noticed a week-long cycle... or used to anyway, because i can't recall quite what it was. Should have drawn a rough graph back when i noticed it.


And memory. I was visiting Prague last... November? October? Anyway, i can't remember much about the place, despite liking it. I have photos on my phone but they feel a tad alien.
And in general, i can't remember things. Like, there was a meteorite on Russia some years ago but i can't recall when exactly You could probably say it was 4 years ago and i'd be like, oh, OK.

As i said, i don't recall having short term memory issues. Naturally, not being interested in most things with depression, i don't really pay attention to anything but simply forgetting an event? No, don't think that has happened.

(The lapse i had just was that i had posted on a forum (not GAF) a couple of hours ago, a moderator contacts me and is like "Sorry, your post's gone with another, accidentally", which prompts me to ask, "Did i post in that thread? I have no memory of that". And i really meant it, no memory whatsoever, until the moderator sent me what i had posted, and i could recall the words but not writing them..)

But anyway, that may be attributed to being sick, my head feels like it is stuffed with cotton (not sure if flu, allergic, or something else).

 

[Blooddimond]

Is it normal to feel worse after taking Fluoxetine? First couple days it blocked my thoughts (mental fog) but now it seems to be making things worse. Can't sleep very well and feel shitty, and the thoughts are still clear in my head. Wondering if it's even doing anything anymore :\

 

[Woorloog]

Someone once wrote "Perversity of the universe leans toward maximum" (or about that anyway).
How fucking correct he could be.
And why the fuck does every single small annoying thing happen at once? Or at least on the same week.
In this case, our kitchen sink is clogged. And there's no fast way to solve that. Urgh.

Sigh. Wonder what happens next. Going to the local convenience store, it probably will be robbed or something while i'm there. And since i can't wash dishes, it seems i'll be having pizza from local pizzeria... a pizza that will probably end up being being burned or something.

Now, it could be just that it is easier to focus on negative things when in bad mood but... I wonder...

 

[grap3fruitman]

Does anyone else ever go through these threads and envy/hate how much better other people have it?

 

[DrM]

Does anyone else ever go through these threads and envy/hate how much better other people have it?

Very rarely. I am glad if people have nice plans for weekends. I have a quite usual plan for Friday evening, if I do not work on Saturday morning. I take a walk to nearby town in the evening and go to a more rock/metal oriented pub for a beer or two. If there are no known people there or my friends are busy, no panic, I will chat with waitresses or pub owner if he is there. Repeat whole procedure on Saturday. But I never drink more than two beers. If I stay for longer time, I switch to non-alcoholic drink.

 

[lewisgone]

Clean exit in progress. Just signed my notification to forfeit study right. I am now officially out of society. Next up, world.

Where are you gonna go first?

 

[Cizeta-Moroder]

Where are you gonna go first?

?
Literally nowhere.