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[lewisgone]

?
Literally nowhere.

Apologies. A clean break from society to start fresh somewhere else in the world is a common fantasy of mine. It's been on my mind a lot recently and I interpreted your post incorrectly.

Please don't do anything rash. There are people who can and want to help.

 

[CarbonatedFalcon]

This whole modgate thing has me so upset that it's becoming a huge strain on my brain. That seems kind of silly, but the past week before this all came out I spent over 20 hours trying to mod my Skyrim. I was emotionally invested and then this happens.

If I still lived in Seattle I legitimately would go up to Valve HQ to protest and hopefully talk with someone there. I hope someone in the area does do so though, since traversing all the way from the East Coast for such a thing simply isn't realistic.

*sigh*

 

[MisterLuffy]

Does anyone else ever go through these threads and envy/hate how much better other people have it?

People who have plans? Not really. People who are smarter than me, make me look stupid, and have a better life than me...yes.

 

[jb1234]

Does anyone else ever go through these threads and envy/hate how much better other people have it?

There aren't that many people who have a life worse than I do given the illness I have so if I let my brain wander in this direction, it would drive me absolutely crazy. Live one day at a time and don't compare yourself to other people, who have their own challenges, either in the present or in the future.

 

[Woorloog]

Has anyone with depression been suggested that they change style (clothing, hair, whatever), that it might help?
Or has anyone felt like doing that, in hopes it might help or something?

I ask because i have this feeling i should change some things, hairstyle being the easiest (but also clothing, i tend to wear black or brown or muted greens, more color might not be a bad idea). I've worn my hair long for almost 8-9 years now, about the same time i've had depression, more or less.
I kind of wonder if a change would be good, not just symbolically but would it have effect on my thinking?

EDIT I guess this also includes habits, etc. Is changing mundate things suggested in therapy for depression often/ever?

 

[MikeDip]

Has anyone with depression been suggested that they change style (clothing, hair, whatever), that it might help?
Or has anyone felt like doing that, in hopes it might help or something?

I ask because i have this feeling i should change some things, hairstyle being the easiest (but also clothing, i tend to wear black or brown or muted greens, more color might not be a bad idea). I've worn my hair long for almost 8-9 years now, about the same time i've had depression, more or less.
I kind of wonder if a change would be good, not just symbolically but would it have effect on my thinking?

I've tried changes. Change never did anything for me. Worth trying though, it's easy to get a new haircut or whatever.

 

[oni_saru]

Has anyone ever contemplated suicide but didn't want to die? Like being stuck in limbo. It's like that quote from The Road. “Nobody wants to be here and nobody wants to leave." I feel so scared, anxious, and sad. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. For all the people going through this, I love you.

That's basically me except that i'm afraid to die. It's not that i don't want to. I'm just afraid. Kinda glad i never go through any time the suicidal thoughts get heavy. Things do get better even when there's a time things are shitty.

Anyways first time i post here. I was depressed in middle school but eventually learned to deal with it on my own. Didn't really know that it was depression what i was going through till i was in high school. But i was able to bounce back on my own. From there, occasional moments where my feelings of hopelessness come back but nothing i couldn't get over till recently.

Right now i'm going through some very depressive moods. Like i'm back to how i was years ago when my depression was unbearable. I think this time around my depression is back because of this job i started last October. It was suppose to be a new start and a life changer for me but that didn't happen. Even worse now i'm not really getting along with a moody coworker and it's affecting me badly. Like i don't care if she doesn't want to be friends with me. All i ask is for her to keep shit professional which she hasn't. We are on week 3 of awkward silence time. This shit is really getting to me. I'm at a breaking point.

 

[A Fish Aficionado]

 

[Piano]

Is it normal to feel worse after taking Fluoxetine? First couple days it blocked my thoughts (mental fog) but now it seems to be making things worse. Can't sleep very well and feel shitty, and the thoughts are still clear in my head. Wondering if it's even doing anything anymore :\

I've never been on Fluoxetine but SSRIs generally can take a couple of weeks to even out. In the mean time you might feel out of sorts. That being said if you're having significantly lower mood or suicidal ideation you need to notify your doctor immediately.

Now, it could be just that it is easier to focus on negative things when in bad mood but... I wonder...

Life is a giant collection of chaotic events. Think of it as one of those graphs that has a bunch of data points and then the statistician draws a line through those points to suggest a general trend even though they the data points are very scattered. Except, in the case of life, there are almost never strong patterns, just messes of data points that we can connect in a million different ways.

My past week has been stressful. I could think of it as a series of successes or a series of failures and both would be completely accurate. Does that make sense?

Not that it's a conscious moment-to-moment choice how you think about it. But once you're aware of how much perception is reality you can start working at slowly changing it over time.

Does anyone else ever go through these threads and envy/hate how much better other people have it?

Just because someone has plans doesn't mean they're happy. In fact, I think the only time I posted in one of those threads was when I was in a bad place and needed affirmation about what I was doing. In general, if I'm feeling alright I don't need GAF's approval.

The problems people deal with out of plain sight would surprise you!

Clean exit in progress. Just signed my notification to forfeit study right. I am now officially out of society. Next up, world.

If you are considering taking your own life please call 1-800-SUICIDE or go to a local Emergency Room immediately.

Has anyone with depression been suggested that they change style (clothing, hair, whatever), that it might help?
Or has anyone felt like doing that, in hopes it might help or something?

I ask because i have this feeling i should change some things, hairstyle being the easiest (but also clothing, i tend to wear black or brown or muted greens, more color might not be a bad idea). I've worn my hair long for almost 8-9 years now, about the same time i've had depression, more or less.
I kind of wonder if a change would be good, not just symbolically but would it have effect on my thinking?

EDIT I guess this also includes habits, etc. Is changing mundate things suggested in therapy for depression often/ever?

There is something to be said to making changes to yourself and your appearance if you're unhappy with them. Sometimes it can make you feel better, more in control, more attractive, etc, to change up your hair, your room, etc.

In my experience, though, 90% of the problem is self-perception and only 10% is my actual image. It's probably a better bet to spend more of your energy on self-reflection, positive lifestyle changes, things like that.

Nothing wrong with a nice haircut now and then, though

That's basically me except that i'm afraid to die. It's not that i don't want to. I'm just afraid. Kinda glad i never go through any time the suicidal thoughts get heavy. Things do get better even when there's a time things are shitty.

Anyways first time i post here. I was depressed in middle school but eventually learned to deal with it on my own. Didn't really know that it was depression what i was going through till i was in high school. But i was able to bounce back on my own. From there, occasional moments where my feelings of hopelessness come back but nothing i couldn't get over till recently.

Right now i'm going through some very depressive moods. Like i'm back to how i was years ago when my depression was unbearable. I think this time around my depression is back because of this job i started last October. It was suppose to be a new start and a life changer for me but that didn't happen. Even worse now i'm not really getting along with a moody coworker and it's affecting me badly. Like i don't care if she doesn't want to be friends with me. All i ask is for her to keep shit professional which she hasn't. We are on week 3 of awkward silence time. This shit is really getting to me. I'm at a breaking point.

Have you ever seen a therapist? It sounds as though you may be able to benefit from seeing a therapist in order to sort out your thoughts about your job and your difficult coworker.
Also, maybe you can develop better methods of not allowing work stress to seep into your everyday life.

http://i.imgur.com/lKsAnuQ.jpg[img][/QUOTE]
Jeez @ Japan having such a low percentage who self-report depression.
Interesting infograph. Thanks for posting it!

<3

 

[Blooddimond]

I've never been on Fluoxetine but SSRIs generally can take a couple of weeks to even out. In the mean time you might feel out of sorts. That being said if you're having significantly lower mood or suicidal ideation you need to notify your doctor immediately.
<3

Yeah, I had read about the time to fully take effect, just wanted to make sure something wasn't up. I had the negative thoughts before taking the Fluoxetine and told my family and doctor about them (hence why he prescribed it), so I'm making steps towards getting better.

 

[Woorloog]

There is something to be said to making changes to yourself and your appearance if you're unhappy with them. Sometimes it can make you feel better, more in control, more attractive, etc, to change up your hair, your room, etc.

In my experience, though, 90% of the problem is self-perception and only 10% is my actual image. It's probably a better bet to spend more of your energy on self-reflection, positive lifestyle changes, things like that.

Nothing wrong with a nice haircut now and then, though

I'm not unhappy with my appearance really. I don't really think about it. Or let's say it doesn't bother me usually, though when i do think about it, i reckon some things could be better or different but only fleetingly.
Was just mostly curious about whether people are advised to make superficial changes.

For some reason i'm inclined to think that if i'd bother to get a haircut, i'd just shave of my hair. From one extreme to another. A bald would be relatively easy to maintain...

Would argue that changing style is relatively low-energy/low-work thing so it would not take from self-reflection or such. Arguably could even enhance such, perhaps, for some people doing many things at once may be easier than small changes only.

 

[MikeDip]

That Japan statistic is fascinating. The 27% one. Any ideas why it's so low?

 

[kiyomi]

That Japan statistic is fascinating. The 27% one. Any ideas why it's so low?

Stigma.

 

[A Fish Aficionado]

Stigma.

Seems like it
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/pcn.12086/full

 

[Pau]

Has anyone with depression been suggested that they change style (clothing, hair, whatever), that it might help?
Or has anyone felt like doing that, in hopes it might help or something?

I ask because i have this feeling i should change some things, hairstyle being the easiest (but also clothing, i tend to wear black or brown or muted greens, more color might not be a bad idea). I've worn my hair long for almost 8-9 years now, about the same time i've had depression, more or less.
I kind of wonder if a change would be good, not just symbolically but would it have effect on my thinking?

EDIT I guess this also includes habits, etc. Is changing mundate things suggested in therapy for depression often/ever?

One of my therapists sent me to a clothing stylist and make up artist. Made me feel much worse. I think if it was possible to look better/different without surgery it would help quite a bit. For me, the problem is finding a significant change.

On a more general level, I do think change can helpful, but I think that also depends on the type of person. Give something a try. Luckily for most things you could always stop or go back.

 

[Piano]

I'm not unhappy with my appearance really. I don't really think about it. Or let's say it doesn't bother me usually, though when i do think about it, i reckon some things could be better or different but only fleetingly.
Was just mostly curious about whether people are advised to make superficial changes.

For some reason i'm inclined to think that if i'd bother to get a haircut, i'd just shave of my hair. From one extreme to another. A bald would be relatively easy to maintain...

Would argue that changing style is relatively low-energy/low-work thing so it would not take from self-reflection or such. Arguably could even enhance such, perhaps, for some people doing many things at once may be easier than small changes only.

For what it's worth, I bought a clipper and buzzed off most of my hair three and a half years ago and I regret nothing. The time, money and hair care products I've saved ... it boggles the mind to think about!

It's not for everyone but hey, if you don't like it, it grows back.

 

[ElTopo]

Anyone with depression here who has tried cocaine? I'm curious what effects it might have.

 

[pixelation]

Has anyone ever contemplated suicide but didn't want to die? Like being stuck in limbo. It's like that quote from The Road. “Nobody wants to be here and nobody wants to leave." I feel so scared, anxious, and sad. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. For all the people going through this, I love you.

Yes, my family keeps me here... and the fear of hell.

 

[Condom]

Anyone with depression here who has tried cocaine? I'm curious what effects it might have.

Cocaine is shitty if you don't have a stable mood, something longer acting like amphetamine or meth is better. Depending on the severity of your depression the comedown may still be extremely unpleasent though (including suicidal tendencies).

 

[dekline]

Anyone with depression here who has tried cocaine? I'm curious what effects it might have.

You'll feel great, but, like Condom said, the comedown will make you feel significantly worse than before. Even if you aren't suffering from depression, the comedown from stimulants can be hell.

 

[grap3fruitman]

Just because someone has plans doesn't mean they're happy.

I just imagine that it might be nice to have a life too sometimes. I guess I'm wrong.

 

[Rainy]

I'm so fucking depressed. Today has been terrible.

 

[Armadilo]

So tomorrow I work and it makes me sad because I rather not be their since I know what to expect, I work in fast food and i'm not good at this job, i'm slow.. and being slow at fast food = getting yelled at until rush hour ends. I don't get any hours at this job, less then part time and that might be because i'm not fast but I believe no matter what fast food is just awful as theirs allot of people working and less hours for those that have worked years at this job, so their is no future in fast food. I just don't know how to get a kickstart in Life... I need an actual shitty job like people have and want to work at one of those 9 to 5 jobs and have the weekends off to just relax and have a life and do things. I went to work at Construction and only lasted a day, it's awful and would say that in someway they are very similar jobs as they want to make the employee a slave and make every second count, "Time is Money". I rather work in entertainment (Games,Film) I want to be happy and some days I am or at least try to. For the last two years I have been trying at the lottery with the hope off my life changing with plain luck but nothing..Every week is the same and all I have is the Internet, a distraction of everything. I daydream about many things and I look up places that I wish I could travel to on the internet, even colleges for some education. I like the idea of becoming a Director for either film or television or both, theirs a one year film school but cost 12 grand so maybe I can save a grand and get fafsa for some more and then try to get loans and just end up in debt but by then I should be done with school and no matter what happens by then I can say that I tried, anything is better then what I'm at right now, The Dream.

 

[FeenixRising]

I'm going to warn you guys ahead of time. I've drank myself to sleep and when I wake up in a few hours the story of my life will be told. I tried to act normal these past few weeks online and off but I can't do it anymore....

G'night.

 

[Bad7667]

I'm going to warn you guys ahead of time. I've drank myself to sleep and when I wake up in a few hours the story of my life will be told. I tried to act normal these past few weeks online and off but I can't do it anymore....

G'night.

First thing, Please seek help if you are thinking of harming yourself or others.

Man I dont know you at all, and have zero clue what might be going on in your life, but please dont do anything harmful to yourself or others.

It, whatever it may be, ALWAYS has a chance to get better. It most likely wont be easy, because life is never easy, but that chance, that small chance of it getting better is, to me, worth any pain we feel now.

Edit: please feel free to message me if you want to talk about anything

 

[Armadilo]

I'm going to warn you guys ahead of time. I've drank myself to sleep and when I wake up in a few hours the story of my life will be told. I tried to act normal these past few weeks online and off but I can't do it anymore....

G'night.

Feenix allot of people feel the same, we are human after all and we each have our ups and our downs but if you read this and in this thread, we all want to be their together and beat anything that is stopping us from where we all want to be at and that's why we have each other. Emotions full of emotion ... we are here for you and everyone else that needs help... we are here

 

[Shinypogs]

It is becoming increasingly clear that I am not equipped for survival as an adult. I'm simply broken in too many areas to function on a level that is enjoyable to myself and makes me not a burden on others. I never wanted this, I didn't want to turn out like this but I can't fight against reality and expect to win.

I feel like I don't deserve to keep fighting for my disability status when even if I win I'll never have a proper life afterward. There are others who could use the government's money just as much and have a chance at real recovery.

 

[FeenixRising]

To continue what I was saying last night.

I don't even know why or how I managed to live 27 years. Sure I'm still young according to most people but for me I just about hated all but maybe 4 or 5 of them.

But that's it, I'm just done.

My entire life is about to crash on me in a few days, leaving me without a home... a car, I'm already down to eating a bowl of soup a day which I just ran out of, now I'm starving.

I don't have family (well I do, but I've been estranged from them for a while), only friends I have are all in the Navy which they all are either getting out and going home, or transferring.

I was in the Navy for four years, got separated. Got a civilian job right afterwards, I was happy for a little while.

Then like everything else in my life that crashed and burned when I went down with a back injury, leaving me almost bedridden for months. No disability or anything. Then I tried going to school, but just like last time I went almost a decade ago... that didn't work out either. Now I hit rock bottom, I'm hurt, I'm hungry, I'm dead broke with no ways to make ends meet.

I'm just done.

I don't deserve anymore 2nd, 3rd, or 4th chances because I'm either just going to blow those too, or something will happen end I'll end up back at square one.

I'll be on and off in the next few days, but at this juncture there's very little anyone can say or do to prevent me from just ending it. I'm sorry. I don't even know why I posted this here, just needed to get this off my chest I guess.

And anyone reading this, take advantage of every opportunity life hands you. Don't end up like me.

 

[Piano]

I just imagine that it might be nice to have a life too sometimes. I guess I'm wrong.

Eek! I didn't mean it that way. I just wanted to point out that we all have the ability to spin our life positively or negatively. I'd guess many of us tend to spin others' lives positively and our own negatively.

I'm so fucking depressed. Today has been terrible.

What's going on?
I hope things look up over the rest of the weekend.

I'm going to warn you guys ahead of time. I've drank myself to sleep and when I wake up in a few hours the story of my life will be told. I tried to act normal these past few weeks online and off but I can't do it anymore....

G'night.

Please call 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (8255) immediately.

It is becoming increasingly clear that I am not equipped for survival as an adult. I'm simply broken in too many areas to function on a level that is enjoyable to myself and makes me not a burden on others. I never wanted this, I didn't want to turn out like this but I can't fight against reality and expect to win.

I feel like I don't deserve to keep fighting for my disability status when even if I win I'll never have a proper life afterward. There are others who could use the government's money just as much and have a chance at real recovery.

Your receiving disability assistance from the government will not take away anyone else's ability to receive assistance, and I'm sure your disability is just as valid and worthy of assistance as many others.

Have you considered seeing a therapist?

I don't deserve anymore 2nd, 3rd, or 4th chances

I disagree and I'm sure many others would, too. Please, please call 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

 

[Shinypogs]

Your receiving disability assistance from the government will not take away anyone else's ability to receive assistance, and I'm sure your disability is just as valid and worthy of assistance as many others.

Have you considered seeing a therapist?


.

It still seems like a waste when I'm barely functional as it is lately. I wanted so much to have a real chance at getting better and moving on with my life but last night confirmed I just don't have it in me to keep this fight up.

I have ( but am losing in June) a social worker who functions as a therapist and I just saw my psychiatrist again on the 24th of this month. They help and they do their best with talk therapy, recommendations for group therapy and medication but progress is slow in many areas and non existent in others. More importantly they can't be with me 24/7 and it's too much to ask friends or family to be nearby in case i have a crisis when at the same time I push them away wanting independence.

I kept myself going this past year and a half with " When I get on odsp it will change" but I don't think it really will. Even my psychiatrist's approval of my getting psychiatric service dog when I get approved and could safely afford one won't help some of what is wrong with me.

I feel I need to go to the hospital but I can;t bring myself to ask for help that could go to someone else, someone who might really be fixable. I know they have limited manpower and bed space for psychiatric care and I dunno. Thank you for taking the time to care though. it means something.

 

[Napoleonthechimp]

People say to be open about whatever mental health problem you have but in my experience they just look concerned and then shrug their shoulders before going about their business.

I think because I've been suffering from depression for so long no one notices when it gets worse - as it has recently. Or perhaps they think because I've put up with it for so long they believe I can continue in that fashion. But the truth is that I fear being alone for the remainder of my life and as I approach my 30s I can't help but notice all the people who have had partners for years, or have gotten married or had kids. I have had no dating experience whatsoever. It would be very easy (and likely) for me to remain alone for decades.

I know what I need to do to avoid that but the amount of work I would need to put in to turn my life around is just immense and I'm not even sure it is worth it, or that it'd even work out for me if I tried.

I suppose I'm just an inherently lazy person and driving down to Beachy Head (I'm in the UK) and flinging myself off those cliffs seems like the easier option. To most rational people that would seem like a crazy idea but the prospect of facing life alone leads me to believe it is the saner option of the two.

Oddly, knowing that I can end my life at any time can sometimes reduce the anxiety and despair. I think it is because I know that is one thing that I absolutely have control over, unlike other areas of my life.

 

[FeenixRising]

Please call 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (8255) immediately.


I disagree and I'm sure many others would, too. Please, please call 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Even if they manage to talk me out of it... then what?

I'll still have nothing.

Some people can get by, I probably won't... all I would be doing is delaying the inevitable.

I'd much rather just get it over with and be done before I even reach that point. I'm just going to enjoy these next few days I have, clean up, get my things in order... and do what I need to do. Though I may have to do it sooner before I collapse from starvation and die anyway.

The thing that does creep me out about this... is the fact that I'm not even scared, I feel like I accepted this a long time ago.

But I'm giving myself a last chance, if shit doesn't look up for me within the next 5 or so days it's over. I already have the method picked out.

 

[Shinypogs]

Called the crisis line 5 times, busy every time, nice joke life haha very funny.

 

[pager99]

Even if they manage to talk me out of it... then what?

I'll still have nothing.

Some people can get by, I probably won't... all I would be doing is delaying the inevitable.

I'd much rather just get it over with and be done before I even reach that point. I'm just going to enjoy these next few days I have, clean up, get my things in order... and do what I need to do. Though I may have to do it sooner before I collapse from starvation and die anyway.

The thing that does creep me out about this... is the fact that I'm not even scared, I feel like I accepted this a long time ago.

But I'm giving myself a last chance, if shit doesn't look up for me within the next 5 or so days it's over. I already have the method picked out.

There is a reason why your posting in this thread and you know its because you haven't given up, don't give up you need to fight the good fight just remember summer follows winter

 

[Piano]

II feel I need to go to the hospital but I can;t bring myself to ask for help that could go to someone else, someone who might really be fixable. I know they have limited manpower and bed space for psychiatric care and I dunno. Thank you for taking the time to care though. it means something.

You've got to be able to see that that sense of guilt at "taking" resources is unreasonable. It is the job of the hospital to decide how to best treat the people that come and go and it simply isn't possible that you'll be the one person who screws up the whole system and shoves someone else out onto the street.

You need help. The hospital has help. That's what matters most.

I'm sorry if I seem very passionate about it...I had very similar feelings of guilt that kept me from going to the hospital for a couple of months until someone talked some sense into me.

Called the crisis line 5 times, busy every time, nice joke life haha very funny.

Are you calling the national number? Have you tried both numbers? If they're both busy, there should also be a regional number you can quickly find by googling; I'm afraid I can't offer it as I don't know where you are.

Please keep trying!

People say to be open about whatever mental health problem you have but in my experience they just look concerned and then shrug their shoulders before going about their business.

Some people. The people that either don't understand or are scared of how much they do understand. But not all people. There are many, many out there suffering from depression, it's just a silent struggle.

I used to be really, really bitter about how much of a silent struggle it was. I had a friend who had cancer and felt bitter about how everyone rallied around her, supporting her, yet I had to suffer alone, in silence.

I've since found that I can connect to a lot of people about it as long as I'm willing to accept that a certain number just won't get it. And over time I've honed better explanations of what's going on, ones that make sense to more people.

I suppose I'm just an inherently lazy person and driving down to Beachy Head (I'm in the UK) and flinging myself off those cliffs seems like the easier option. To most rational people that would seem like a crazy idea but the prospect of facing life alone leads me to believe it is the saner option of the two.

Oddly, knowing that I can end my life at any time can sometimes reduce the anxiety and despair. I think it is because I know that is one thing that I absolutely have control over, unlike other areas of my life.

The sense of control is a wonderful thing. I think we all wish we had control over everything. I used to think "if only I had enough money to control as much as possible, then I would be happy."

It doesn't sound as though you're lazy, but more as though you're low in morale and looking at the big picture of what needs to be done is far too exhausting. It helps to have someone break it into manageable chunks for you - have you seen a therapist?

Even if they manage to talk me out of it... then what?

I'll still have nothing.

Some people can get by, I probably won't... all I would be doing is delaying the inevitable.

I'd much rather just get it over with and be done before I even reach that point. I'm just going to enjoy these next few days I have, clean up, get my things in order... and do what I need to do. Though I may have to do it sooner before I collapse from starvation and die anyway.

The thing that does creep me out about this... is the fact that I'm not even scared, I feel like I accepted this a long time ago.

But I'm giving myself a last chance, if shit doesn't look up for me within the next 5 or so days it's over. I already have the method picked out.

Feenix, I don't know you, I don't know your situation, I don't know your life, and ultimately there's no way for me to be anything other than some chump on a message board, but, as that chump on this message board, I would like to urge you to reconsider. You've got nothing to lose in calling up the lifeline and just talking it out. This is the one life we get and I hope you find it in yourself to hold out.

<3

 

[Bagels]

What a guy.

 

[tirkaroKujo]

I've been getting a little better now, but damn, the past few weeks have just been one existential crisis after another.
Lately all I can think about is death, death, death, death. Like, what happens after we die? To me, the most logical outcome has always been reincarnation. But what then? Will I remember anything about my past lives after this is all said and done with? Will my next life share my same views? Will I even be reborn as a human? On earth?
Is my consciousness an immortal soul, hopping from one body to the next? Or is this all just a simulation, and once I die, I wake up in the "real" world? Or at least, some kind of simulated afterlife.
Lately, death just seems like something so surreal, so eldritch, it makes no sense why it would even exist in this otherwise totally mundane world. I'm a bit obsessive by nature, so it sucks when I get so hung up on something literally nobody in this world has the answers to.
I'm often wondering why I even am. Of all the things I could have possibly been born as, how did I just so happen to be born as a member of the only super-intelligent race on this planet, and not, like, an insect or plankton? And why do I live comfortably on the #1 economy in the world, as opposed to a 3rd world country? It's enough to send me into full solipsism mode when I start really counting my blessings, like it just makes no sense that I could possibly be so lucky in the grand scheme of things. Like there's a predetermined reason why I'm here, conscious, at this very moment.

It's weird, because it feels like unlike most other totally depressed people, I totally love my life, and the fact that I'm living and breathing right now, but I'm scared shitless of it all ending, and it potentially being all for nothing. Life lately just feels way too short and fleeting; I remember back when a year used to feel like an eternity, but the past few years have felt like they've just shot by in a flash. I'm almost 22 now, which I guess is really young in comparison to a lot of other peeps here, but I'm scared my 20s are going to fly by as fast, if not even faster, than the last couple years have. I'm way too comfortable in the life I live right now, I wish it could just last forever. The thought of my day of reckoning being an inevitability is enough to send me into a depressive spiral for the rest of the day. I'm just way too scared of whatever lies beyond being too big a break from the norm.

I promised myself I would spend 2015 drawing my butt off, but I've spent the first few months being too depressed and anxious to do anything at all. I hope this phase is all over soon (been going on since March 25th or so, right off the heels of another unrelated existential crisis that began on Feb 5th and ended on March 15th, meaning I've had a 10 day break from my mind constantly shitting itself), because I just want to return back to my normal, carefree life as soon as possible.

Geez, I wish I was an edgy stoner or something during my teen years so I could have gotten this all out of my system back then. I always feel like I'm mentally 5 years behind everyone else.

 

[Shinypogs]

words of wisdom

Got through on my 8th try, hospital is out of beds and I was too ashamed and scared of the crisis line lady ( who seemed really hostile to me) to take the other treatment center option. Did end up having a long phone call with a family member though that made me feel both better and worse at the same time.

For the time being I am no longer a danger to myself but I'm certain this fight isn't over.

Thank you so much for being a stubborn source of reassurance, I needed it a lot today.

 

[kamineko]

Got through on my 8th try, hospital is out of beds and I was too ashamed and scared of the crisis line lady ( who seemed really hostile to me) to take the other treatment center option. Did end up having a long phone call with a family member though that made me feel both better and worse at the same time.

For the time being I am no longer a danger to myself but I'm certain this fight isn't over.

Thank you so much for being a stubborn source of reassurance, I needed it a lot today.

Dude. That's great. Keep hustlin'.

 

[pixelation]

Disregard.

 

[Wilsongt]

There are just some days where I feel I don't deserve happiness and I don't deserve anything better than what I currently have going in my life.

Ah well.

 

[Kipp]

Oof.
So the side effects from my SSRIs have pretty much completely gone away now. Because of that, I was able to start feeling a tiny bit of the positive effects and it was very, very nice.
Friday and the first half of yesterday I was feeling pretty great, then out of nowhere in the middle of yesterday I'm back to feeling shitty, which then continued to all day today. Oh well. At least I got a taste of what's to come.
The good news is that tomorrow I have my second appointment with the doctor and he's going to bump me from 10mg to 20mg of Escitalopram (generic Lexapro). I have high hopes about going up to 20mg. I'll have to go through about two more weeks of awful side effects and feeling generally pretty terrible, but I'm looking forward to the higher dosage nonetheless.

What a guy.

For real. Piano is the man.

 

[oni_saru]

Have you ever seen a therapist? It sounds as though you may be able to benefit from seeing a therapist in order to sort out your thoughts about your job and your difficult coworker.
Also, maybe you can develop better methods of not allowing work stress to seep into your everyday life.

When i was in college, i briefly saw a therapist. But kinda lied about the main reason i was going. So it wasn't much help.

Been thinking about seeing one though especially now that i have health insurance and a paying job. Just need to get my ass in gear and really look around for one. This weekend i spent it doing absolutely nothing. Just wallowing in self misery.

I was able to deal with this shitty work environment for six months but i think i just reached a breaking point.

And with my returning depressive moods, it's not helping how i'm dealing with this situation. I keep blaming myself. Thinking it's something i did. Thinking i deserve to be treated like this. But i know i don't. I know i haven't done something to deserve this treatment. Well that's what i try to tell myself.

 

[Armadilo]

Feenix maybe go help others ? Someone in this world needs help, anyone.... even you can help. The tragedy in Nepal that just happened, they need help, some person down the block of you might need someone's help. People need help in this world and doesn't take that much to help someone else, Feenix can you please help those people.. .

 

[RoyaleDuke]

I'm just checking in with everyone.

I had a quiet day today, well mostly as I did have at least one moment where the OCD thoughts that plague me caused me to have another mental episode.

The last few days have been kind of terrible, everything just keeps getting louder and louder and harder to fight.

The nightmares subsided for one night, but they've been really bad lately. I'm hoping the people at Behavioral can help me on Wednesday.

I have Physical Therapy for my shoulder tomorrow. Ugh.

 

[A Fish Aficionado]

Feenix maybe go help others ? Someone in this world needs help, anyone.... even you can help. The tragedy in Nepal that just happened, they need help, some person down the block of you might need someone's help. People need help in this world and doesn't take that much to help someone else, Feenix can you please help those people.. .

Eehm, not always the biggest of help. It encourages a negative stream of feedback of " oh my problems aren't real"

I've linked to this again and again because he's right. Our pain is real. There is a clearly morbity and mortality problem with mental illness.

http://youtu.be/cqMcAeLWO9c

 

[Mozz-eyes]

Have you chaps ever had a panic attack? I had one today in the library a few hours ago. Came home and drank enough to get a buzz because I don't know how to deal with it.

Help?

 

[Woorloog]

Have you chaps ever had a panic attack? I had one today in the library a few hours ago. Came home and drank enough to get a buzz because I don't know how to deal with it.

Help?

Had one just a week ago... lasted like 3 hours. It will end eventually, and will probably leave you feeling tired (and drained?).

Apparently some kind of breathing, uh, exercise(?) is supposed to help. Something like breath deep, hold breath for a few seconds, breath deep, hold breath for a few seconds... Keep going until feeling calmer. Didn't work for me, though i may have done it incorrectly as there's supposed to be some kind of rhythm to it..

I just went for a long walk but that didn't really help (and i could barely walk straight because i was kind of trembling all over).

 

[Shotgun Kiss]

Hello everyone.

I just went to the doctors today, and was prescribed Citalopram. For years I've felt like I may suffer with depression, but wasn't quite sure, and couldn't will myself to go and see a doctor. But recently it's got quite bad, to the point where I rarely feel like I'm able to just relax. I find it difficult to focus on anything; even in my free time, I find it difficult to just let loose and play a game/watch TV/etc. It feels like I always just "kill time" by browsing the net as I can't will myself to do anything else.

I found myself in a bad state last night; between just lying there and not doing anything, I had a bit of a breakdown. So I decided to call in sick to work, and finally do something about it by going to the doctors. I was surprised (though pleased) that I was given a prescription right away. I was afraid I wouldn't be taken seriously.

I heard it can take 2-4 weeks for it to have an effect, which is unfortunate, but I'm really hoping I notice a difference when it does, because I really feel like this is holding me back. I can't concentrate on anything at work or at home, and I feel like I'm in a rut.

 

[kamineko]

Long time since I posted but you guys know more about this than I do so..

I just accidentally took two .5 colanazapam instead of my daily dose of two folic acid. The pills look exactly the same, and I blame RA brain fog.

I figure I'm not going to die or anything, but what should I expect?

Depending on how .5 affects you, I'd assume somnolence/reduced productivity, nothing more.

Fatal overdose for a rat is, I believe, somewhere around 2,000 mg.