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[Mexen]

Hey, OP.

Don't over criticise yourself so much.

Good that you've acknowledged something needs to change, now all you have to do is take small steps towards being better.

If you smoke a whole pack of cigs a day, smoke 10 sticks today, 5 tomorrow, 1, 0. Terrible analogy but you get the picture.

Gradual change is the best because it lasts. Good luck.

 

[Omega Ultimus]

i really do have an amazing family. it's what makes the whole thing that much more sensitive. i'm more or less the "heir" as the official first born in a very long lineage. i'm also unfortunately named after my uncle who went through a similar ordeal at my age before tragically taking his own life. every sign points to me righting that wrong. it's an intense amount of pressure and expectation that i've done nothing but fail to uphold thus far. i've been told otherwise from those i asked about how they felt about the two of us, but i really don't see it that way. when i'm with my uncles, they'll talk about their brother like he was such a great person. we're obviously different people with different destinies, but we're also very similar as far as the abilities we were blessed with (although i got the shorter end) and the mistakes we made. i can't help but feel like i owe part of my life to his legacy so as to not tarnish that name. i'm more or less stuck because a irrevocable turn would destroy a lot more than just my own life.

even knowing all this, i don't understand why i keep fucking up.



that does give a bit of perspective. my dad said i'd either end up a better person or wind up where i started with nothing lost or gained (other than time). i suppose it wont hurt to try.

I have to get some rest, but I'll leave some advice for you to mull over.

Speaking as someone who also must face great pressures from family, and with a legacy of failure that seems to pursue me relentlessly, I can say confidently, that the only person who you should strive for greatness for, is yourself. If your family is pushing for you to succeed for anyone but yourself, then you need to ignore these demands. This is your life, and your focus should be on your own path. All these pressures are sabatoging you progress, so you need to learn to distance yourself from everything. Do what makes you happy, and just take a moment to appreciate it.

For starters, these notions of honor are worthless; what good is the pride of the dead to the living? Trust me, you will see growth, and you will learn to be happy with yourself, if you learn to let go of your fears.

 

[ErasureAcer]

As with all threads similar to yours...I'll recommend speaking with Mother Ayahuasca. You are essentially asking the wrong entities for guidance in my opinion. Those of us responding, in my opinion(take no offense fellow gaffers), don't have the answers to your problems(which are quite vague). But perhaps some other dimensional being does have the answers...someone who has been watching your every move for your entire life. While I have not knowingly spoken to or heard from Mother Ayahuasca...I've studied her for hours and hours via people's encounters/testimonials and everyone says she gives them what they need at that exact moment. To me it sounds like you need someone to listen to you and to understand you. What better than an entity which has been doing that your entire life? /my2cents.

 

[Prez]

As with all threads similar to yours...I'll recommend speaking with Mother Ayahuasca. You are essentially asking the wrong entities for guidance in my opinion. Those of us responding, in my opinion(take no offense fellow gaffers), don't have the answers to your problems(which are quite vague). But perhaps some other dimensional being does have the answers...someone who has been watching your every move for your entire life. While I have not knowingly spoken to or heard from Mother Ayahuasca...I've studied her for hours and hours via people's encounters/testimonials and everyone says she gives them what they need at that exact moment. To me it sounds like you need someone to listen to you and to understand you. What better than an entity which has been doing that your entire life? /my2cents.

What am I reading here?

 

[Korey]

Without knowing any details about your situation, here's a simple solution:

Cut off everyone from your life, move to a new city, and start a completely new life.

New city, new job, new friends, new relationships. It's very simple and there is no baggage. There's nothing stopping you from doing this, and it's better than the alternatives you mentioned.

So do it.

i really do have an amazing family. it's what makes the whole thing that much more sensitive. i'm more or less the "heir" as the official first born in a very long lineage. i'm also unfortunately named after my uncle who went through a similar ordeal at my age before tragically taking his own life. every sign points to me righting that wrong. it's an intense amount of pressure and expectation that i've done nothing but fail to uphold thus far. when i asked my relatives how they felt about the two of us, they told me i didn't have to compare myself to him. however, i don't see it that way. when i'm with my uncles, they'll talk about their brother like he was such a great person. we're obviously different people with different destinies, but we're also very similar as far as the abilities we were blessed with (although i got the shorter end) and the mistakes we made. i can't help but feel like i owe part of my life to his legacy so as to not tarnish that name. i feel stuck because a irrevocable turn would destroy a lot more than just my own life. even knowing all this, i don't understand why i keep fucking up.

that does give a bit of perspective. my dad said i'd either end up a better person or wind up where i started with nothing lost or gained (other than time). i suppose it wont hurt to try.

You don't owe your family anything. You don't need to meet anyone's expectations. If you still want to keep in touch with your family that's fine. Call them from time to time. But don't let them be a burden on you in any way.

 

[Deleted member 1235]

Without knowing any details about your situation, here's a simple solution:

Cut off everyone from your life, move to a new city, and start a completely new life.

New city, new job, new friends, new relationships. It's very simple and there is no baggage. There's nothing stopping you from doing this, and it's better than the alternatives you mentioned.

So do it.




You don't owe your family anything. You don't need to meet anyone's expectations. If you still want to keep in touch with your family that's fine. Call them from time to time. But don't let them be a burden on you in any way.

this is terrible advice.

'wherever you go, there you are'

you'll just have less money and friends.

also you're kind of writing like a crazy person OP. someone asked you if you're gay and your answer was 'I'm not but I can't say more or I won't even be able to consider choice 3'.

that makes absolutely 0 fucking sense at all. talking about you problems will not somehow make you 'more evil'.

 

[LowParry]

Why only 3 choices? That doesn't make much sense. You'll always have choices in life. Much more than just 3. I'm sure others here have better advise but don't just drop your very life down to just 3 choices. You're much better than that. Everyone is.

 

[iRAWRasaurus]

Turn your life around and improve it. Don't know what is wrong or anything but killing yourself is never the right answer. Always open ears and willing to listen. you know how to get ahold of me.

 

[vikki]

You say you have to confess, and you don't have to confess to us. But you want to confess, whatever it is that you've done. You don't have to tell us, but you want that weight of your chest, and confessing to your family will help. You said your family is very forgiving, but maybe you feel what you did is not deserving of forgiveness? There is a sense of shame and it hurts, just the thought of getting it out in the open. Maybe you'll feel better the sooner you let it out. And the longer you've let it out the easier it'll be to accept and move on from it.

Know that everyone here wants to see you succeed. You understand that something in your current situation has to change. Your family seems supportive, so maybe allow them to help. And go forth knowing that Gaf is here for you, rooting for you.

Edit: I see family life is a bit complicated. Still, whatever it is, you've got to come to terms with it.

 

[Geneijin]

Dear Zoba, while I can endlessly speculate what your apprehension may be, I must say you shouldn't be fearful of change especially when that change involves your self. You should reconsider what you're doing to your self if it's causing such self-destructiveness because what's there left to uphold if you're continually diminishing your efforts and self-worth? There is such a thing as fear of success, and it's important to realize nothing can change if inaction compels you from endeavoring it. Maintaining the status quo can also be a negative consequence as you've noticed. Perhaps it's too much to ask, but how detrimental would it be to your well-being if you took more responsibility in transforming your predicament? I wish you the best.

 

[Necromanti]

I've reached a point in my life where I can no longer run from the mistakes that I have made. The first path is to continue along my current route. This path will end in destruction of myself, my dreams and the relationships i have with everyone around me.

And that terrifies me because I don't think I deserve it. I don't think I can abandon who I am completely and become a different person.

I'm not going to detail the events that transpired to this. Take my word for it - none of you would think twice about condemning me for it. And I wouldn't blame you - I have a conscience and it's why I am overridden with guilt and shame.

What worries me is what will happen to me afterwards. Even if everyone forgave and forget, I would never forget. I remember every single mistake that I've made since I was 5 years old. Curiously, that is when I remember committing my first "sin". Those small mistakes swelled into big mistakes and it's been one big mess every year since.

i can forgive myself but society doesn't.

I'm not going to make any assumptions, but the way you've worded things sounds nefarious to me and takes my mind to a very dark place. If you've done something illegal that has hurt other people, then I'd strongly urge you to come clean and confess. See a therapist and be honest so you can get help to manage whatever it is that may be wrong with you. It's not going to be easy and you're going to have to give it your all, but that would be the right thing to do.

If you have mental illnesses that you need medication for, take them. If they don't work for you after you've been on it long enough to adjust to it, then tell your therapist or doctor so you can try a different prescription.

Don't live in shame and don't hurt yourself, but take concrete steps to address the problem.

 

[Deku Tree]

Turn your life around and improve it. Don't know what is wrong or anything but killing yourself is never the right answer. Always open ears and willing to listen. you know how to get ahold of me.

This is good advice. The right choice is to turn your life around. You can do it.

 

[Prez]

If it's stealing, failing at school, lying, drugs, sexual fantasies, masturbation, saying hurtful things or anything of the like, you should know those aren't horrible unforgivable sins and an important step should be to convince yourself of that.

 

[phen0m24]

Hey TG:

Background. I was raised in a Christian home with all that entails. (Full disclosure)

Here's a confession. I grew up thinking I had to follow rules and felt guilty when I broke them. I wanted to get "gold stars" as it were. Tried to make my folks happy. Tried to make God happy. Thought if I could keep up with all the competing priorities and do all the people pleasing I could that in the end I would be ok.

Dude last month I listened to a few messages (from a church in Georgia, ironically enough) where the pastor said that many people in church, Christians - are applying faith the wrong way. Looking at ourselves as good because we keep certain laws or rules, possibly better than others who don't - instead of looking around us. Helping. Showing love. To everyone and anyone.

Look, anyone that makes you feel like crap or points out your issues with a judgmental eye is ignoring Christ's command to love your neighbor as yourself. Simple as that. And not knowing where you are on your faith journey I would say that if you believe in who Christ is: Know this. He's got your back. And you know what? Based on what I've learned lately, I do too.

You're a class guy, your past is exactly that. Leave it there. God already did, bud.

PM me. My name is Glenn. I'm a real guy. Been through a divorce and seen some ugly crap in my life too.

The church I was talking about is North Point.
they have churches all around Atlanta and the messages have helped me through some freaking tough times. not even joking. Learning every day to first love people. Love people. Love people. It's what Christ did.

Not only will I pray for ya, let me know what I can do to help you out. If you'll let me, I can reach out to friends there to connect with ya man. Would love to.

Best to you Z.

 

[PrivateWHudson]

I can't really help much since I don't have the same sense of "do the right thing" that you have, and honestly I can't imagine not being able to put things behind you (no matter how bad..really, probably even murder). Maybe I've just forgotten what it's like to be young, but at the same time youth gives you more ways to deal.

If you feel that your family is clouding your ability to make the right decisions (and being so supportive that you don't want to let them down counts), then just leave. You mentioned the high cost of medical help, and you shouldn't have the added pressure of feeling like your issues are a financial burden for others. You've already had experience traveling abroad, so I'd recommend going somewhere that has quality free healthcare. You can get professional help far from the distractions and obligations of family.

 

[Ushay]

OP.

The best part about what I've just read is that you have acknowledged and realised what you've done and where you stand. I wouldn't look to others to solve your issues, as you'll never find a solution this way.

The only person that can help you is you.

Good luck.

 

[ZoltanXerxes]

I want to share my experience with you as it may change your thinking on this matter, because all we can control is our thoughts. Change your thinking, change your life.

I am a stutter (stammer in Europe). I have trouble speaking at times and I've had it since I was 5 years oid (32 years old now) and will have it for the rest of my life.

I was picked on in school in every grade, I got beat up because of it, and for that reason I had very low self esteem and self confidence through out most of Junior high (middle school), High school and college. I never thought I would amount to anything in life and years ago I also thought about suicide (this was about 10 years ago, no longer suicidal).

About 3 years ago I was browsing YouTube when I came across a motivational speaker who really changed the way I thought about myself and life in general. He spoke of something called the Law of Correspondence, which basically means your outer world is a reflection of your inner world. It's like your living in a 360 degree mirror and whatever event you experience gets filtered by you depending on your experience and how your thinking at that moment. What this meant is that I was thinking negatively all the time because of my experience and as a result, most things I was a part of I thought of negatively because of my low self esteem and low confidence.

The second thing I learned is that failure and rejection are an absolutely essential part of learning and growing. It's the not the failure and rejection itself that hurts us, it's the fear of failure and rejection. What I've learned is that most of biggest successful people in life have failed the most and got rejected the most. A good example is Thomas Edison. That dude failed over 1000 times to make a stable light bulb, but he never gave up until he made one. My advice to you is don't be afraid to fail or get rejected. It makes you stronger and you learn far more from failure.

Which brings be to the third thing, and that is don't listen to the nay-sayers. When you try something new or go in a new direction in life, there is always failure along the way. I want to tell you something really important about people: 2 types of people will appear when you fail, the ones who say "I told you so, your a failure" and "Let me help you out so you can be successful next time. I'm proud of you". The former is unsuccessful people. Never listen to those people because all they want is self satisfaction and don't want to help you or give you advice. The latter are successful people. Those people are willing to help and support you because they went through the exact same experience to get where they are today. Successful people fail and get rejected far more than unsuccessful people because they never stop, no matter how much criticism they get, no matter the circumstance they just keep going.

It's also important to find people who have been through the same experience as you and became successful. I have a stutter and I recently found out that Samuel L Jackson stutters. I was blown the fuck away. Here is a guy who has done over 100 movies and stutters. It was so unreal for me and my whole outlook on life changed. Since then I had no excuses to do anything I wanted to do.

 

[toneroni]

It ain't that bad man. You can recover and make the changes you need to! Never give up man

 

[Zoggy]

option 3 seems pretty clear to me bro

edit: also definitely don't go option 2.

 

[msdstc]

I'm not going to make any assumptions, but the way you've worded things sounds nefarious to me and takes my mind to a very dark place. If you've done something illegal that has hurt other people, then I'd strongly urge you to come clean and confess. See a therapist and be honest so you can get help to manage whatever it is that may be wrong with you. It's not going to be easy and you're going to have to give it your all, but that would be the right thing to do.

If you have mental illnesses that you need medication for, take them. If they don't work for you after you've been on it long enough to adjust to it, then tell your therapist or doctor so you can try a different prescription.

Don't live in shame and don't hurt yourself, but take concrete steps to address the problem.

I'm going to echo this.

 

[Austriacus]

Are you a rich family heir in which everyone put their hope into op?

 

[Matty77]

I'm going to echo this.

Me too. Just read through the thread and between phrasing, family, and not the religous stuff but the uncle and lineage and not wanting name in the system it's got be major shit. Shit your not going to get good advice on a forum about. Your going to have to face up to whatever it is, if you cannot live with yourself and sleep like a baby you need to do something about it. And not only will you maybe not be able to avoid fallout, depending on what it is maybe you should experience some fall out, it could be good for you.

That's my two cents.

 

[KidJr]

I don't really know what say without divulging to much but as someone who has come from An extremely dark place in life, the best thing to do for me was say fuck all them life defining decisions right now and find enjoyment in something simple (books are incredible for this), that will give you a slight reprieve from the pressures and something I believe is that time heals everything. Take it a day at a time, find a little enjoyment until you're in a place to make such heavy decisions

 

[KidJr]

I want to share my experience with you as it may change your thinking on this matter, because all we can control is our thoughts. Change your thinking, change your life.

I am a stutter (stammer in Europe). I have trouble speaking at times and I've had it since I was 5 years oid (32 years old now) and will have it for the rest of my life.

I was picked on in school in every grade, I got beat up because of it, and for that reason I had very low self esteem and self confidence through out most of Junior high (middle school), High school and college. I never thought I would amount to anything in life and years ago I also thought about suicide (this was about 10 years ago, no longer suicidal).

About 3 years ago I was browsing YouTube when I came across a motivational speaker who really changed the way I thought about myself and life in general. He spoke of something called the Law of Correspondence, which basically means your outer world is a reflection of your inner world. It's like your living in a 360 degree mirror and whatever event you experience gets filtered by you depending on your experience and how your thinking at that moment. What this meant is that I was thinking negatively all the time because of my experience and as a result, most things I was a part of I thought of negatively because of my low self esteem and low confidence.

The second thing I learned is that failure and rejection are an absolutely essential part of learning and growing. It's the not the failure and rejection itself that hurts us, it's the fear of failure and rejection. What I've learned is that most of biggest successful people in life have failed the most and got rejected the most. A good example is Thomas Edison. That dude failed over 1000 times to make a stable light bulb, but he never gave up until he made one. My advice to you is don't be afraid to fail or get rejected. It makes you stronger and you learn far more from failure.

Which brings be to the third thing, and that is don't listen to the nay-sayers. When you try something new or go in a new direction in life, there is always failure along the way. I want to tell you something really important about people: 2 types of people will appear when you fail, the ones who say "I told you so, your a failure" and "Let me help you out so you can be successful next time. I'm proud of you". The former is unsuccessful people. Never listen to those people because all they want is self satisfaction and don't want to help you or give you advice. The latter are successful people. Those people are willing to help and support you because they went through the exact same experience to get where they are today. Successful people fail and get rejected far more than unsuccessful people because they never stop, no matter how much criticism they get, no matter the circumstance they just keep going.

It's also important to find people who have been through the same experience as you and became successful. I have a stutter and I recently found out that Samuel L Jackson stutters. I was blown the fuck away. Here is a guy who has done over 100 movies and stutters. It was so unreal for me and my whole outlook on life changed. Since then I had no excuses to do anything I wanted to do.

Just wanted to say really beautiful post man, I had a little stutter to but managed to grow out of it but love your perspective!

 

[Bradach]

It's clear to me that you are a smart and articulate person (you make some great posts in the destiny thread).
I hope you get through this crisis that you're going through and that you find a way to change the perspective you have on your past mistakes.

 

[RetroMG]

Most of what I want to say has already been said, but I will add in my piece. You say that you are someone who hasn't touched many lives, but I see a lot of friends here, especially from DestinyGAF who are here to support you. You've touched lives, it was just in such a subtle way that even you didn't notice.

You talk about changing, and not recognizing yourself in the mirror. I've been there. I'm not in as bad a spot as you seem to be, but I've had a moment in my life where I knew that I either needed to turn my life around or end it. I turned it around. I married a great girl, and I'm in school to get me degree.

Why am I telling you this? Because when I look in the mirror, I see the same face that I did ten years ago. And yes, I sometimes remember the mistakes I made. When those thoughts come, I push them aside or use them to push me forward. Because that's really my advice: Push forward, Zoba. You won't get out of the woods if you don't keep moving.

PM or PSN me if you want to talk. I know I'm one of a bunch of people who have offered, but the offer stands.

 

[Hawkian]

You are somebody who has impacted a lot of people.

Whatever value or lack thereof you ascribe to your actions as Zoba and as Twilight_Gap, you've entertained, and stunned, and informed, and helped quite literally hundreds of members of our community. It's likely that you feel (and for all I know, with good reason) that your past sins largely outweigh these positive endeavors. But they don't erase them either. Our lives aren't assigned an F- to S-Rank when they're over, but rather form a complex latticework of the good and ill we've done. You're young, and you seem to desire change, so yours can simply wind up as one with a small tattered and rough section at its outset only to become strong and colorful and inspiring by its end. And by then no one will care about or pay much attention to the start. Rewriting yourself, even if it's hard and thankless much of the way, is one of the most human and admirable things anyone can do.

Seek forgiveness; but don't worry about forgetting or whether or not you should. You won't, and you shouldn't. Remembering past mistakes is the surest way to keep from making them again, and if your actions have legitimately wronged others, the memories that stay with you in private moments will be the true penance for these acts, even after absolution.

The only other advice that I haven't seen offered yet is: you need to be specific. If not with us internet strangers, then with a therapist, or a close friend, or some other kind of counselor. Intentionally or otherwise, you're hiding behind the language of "the things you've done" or "events that transpired." You need someone with whom you can speak frankly about the aspects of your past that you reference obliquely here, and someone who can help you set small, medium, large- but actionable- goals using the actual details of your life.

The impression I get from the fact that you made this thread at all is that you already know which of the three "paths" you want to choose, and more than anything else are scared to do it. Well, that's the fear that you get in the pit of your stomach when you know that the "right way" and the "hard way" are the same thing. Embrace it and please don't hesitate to keep us posted.

 

[shem935]

You talked about the fear of failure going forward; so much so that that fear is crippling you and making you question whether or not you deserve a second chance. I have also experienced this fear of failure though most likely on a smaller scale than what you have experienced. I would often find myself remembering back on the wrongs I had done and how that would invalidate my existence, that because of them I had essentially struck out in life and that there wasn't much point anymore. It got to the point where I was also considering suicide. This was around the time that I discovered off topic Gaf and started reading through threads and I had conversations with members of my church about their past lives. Both of these brought about the realization that everyone has a past. Members of my church had had multiple DUI's, had awful family problems, and even participated in cults. This revelation along with reading about problems in the everyday lives of people on Gaf helped me to realize that having a life filled with problems is not unique to myself.

Sonder - the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness.

Take the successes of others as an indication that even the most unworthy people who have faced the lowest of lows have found meaning and success. They have earned their second chance. I found this revelation encouraging. That all around me was living proof that success in life is possible no matter how much you think you might not deserve it.

Without knowing specifics about your situation it is hard to give concrete advice and I have never liked leaving generic platitudes in response to these kinds of questions so if you only take one thing away from all of the comments here know this; you are loved here on Gaf. Your presence is welcomed, you bring entertainment where you post and as far as I know the only people who hate you are the fools you dominate in crucible. Nothing in your past can change who you are now and who you could become if you forgive yourself and take the third option you outlined. We are often are own worst critics.

Keep your head up.

 

[Twilight Gap]

i really appreciate everyone who has offered words of wisdom.

Are you a rich family heir in which everyone put their hope into op?

it's more along the lines of "golden child" where everyone is expecting me to be something great. i essentially carry the family name on my shoulders and it's a very big family. i've stopped going to the annual reunions because i don't feel deserving of that birthright. i don't mind being in the spotlight, but it's difficult to be around people who expect so much and then not be able to live up to those expectations. they see me fall and offer to help get me back up, but when i try to reach for the hand i'm pulled back by my inhibitions. that voice that says "why bother? you'll mess it up again and you aren't going to reach that point. you're burdening them and pretending to be someone you're not".

it's not that i'm living for my family for the sake of upholding their legacy or something. if it wasn't already my desire to be that person, i wouldn't stress myself out over fulfilling it. but that person i want to be is someone i feel like i've lost the right to claim. it's as if the door has already closed and i'm not sure whether to keep knocking or just go away. and if the door opens up and i'm welcomed in, i don't want to be kicked back out.

I want to share my experience with you as it may change your thinking on this matter, because all we can control is our thoughts. Change your thinking, change your life.
.

this is encouraging and puts things into perspective. thank you for sharing.