Dude that music is beautiful, really liked Yearning. I felt really bad for you reading about your physical maladies. I guess it's true what they say, good art comes from suffering eh? Keep turning those maladies into melodies bro (sorry that sounds corny but it just came to me and I had to say it).
Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
- Thread starter Bagels
- Start date
- Status
Dude that music is beautiful, really liked Yearning. I felt really bad for you reading about your physical maladies. I guess it's true what they say, good art comes from suffering eh? Keep turning those maladies into melodies bro (sorry that sounds corny but it just came to me and I had to say it).
I didn't know there was a GAF crew for this. But let me introduce myself:
I'm a 32 year old male, married with a wonderful wife and a smart, awesome 4 year old boy. I have a fantastic, well paying job and everything going for me in life. On the surface, everything should be fine, right? If that was the case, I wouldn't be posting here
Anyways, fast forward to 2 years ago. I had the biggest fucking asshole boss that anyone should ever have. This is the asshole boss that you shouldn't see in a professional, engineering setting. He literally made my and my coworkers life a living hell. I couldn't sleep, eat or enjoy the things I loved to do. I'd drive myself to almost to the point of breaking down. I was depressed and anxiety decided to set in at the same time. Mentally, I was a mess. I was scared to tell my wife because I was afraid she wasn't going to understand.
I finally saw a dr (2 month waiting period ) and she understood what I was talking about and put me on meds which were a great help. I was talkative with my wife, I gained my weight back and everything my boss said just rolled off my shoulders like it was nothing.
Now, my doctor left town to be with her family. I decided to get off the meds and man, the withdrawl was so awful. But, I was fixed. At least I think I was. There are times where it does set in for a few days when I do have a lot on my mind and I decide to shut down or become completely irritable (Good thing I stock piled the anxiety meds and can take those and they help me a lot).
Now, I know I have a place I can speak about what;s going on and know that people understand that that the human mind is completely complex. Glad to be here.
I'm glad to hear things have improved for you overall! It's nice to have you here with us! Please do keep us posted on how things are going.
Wow. I just had a chance to listen to that. That was completely engrossing. Excellent work.
CheesecakeRecipe
Stormy Grey
I've been dealing with this a lot this year. I've never really fully recovered from the black hole I found myself in during January and it's seeped into my daily routine. I can be in high spirits one moment, then something will disrupt that and send my mood tumbling down in a spiral. Initially I'd been burying myself in doing work on something, but lately it's become a waiting game which has left me often with weeks of dead time and nothing to do. I'm being as strong as I can and remaining a positive force for my teammates, but working at anything less than an explosive pace has been painfully difficult.
With the dead time there, my interest in playing games dying out yet again, and sleeping upwards of 12-14 hours a day due to fatigue brought on by some illness I can't afford to get properly diagnosed and/or treated, I'm in a constant state of mental fragility. I'm afraid to even open up my notebook, which was once a source of planning and building a positive mindframe. The past few pages are filled with self-doubt, agonizing over little things, wondering if people hate me, stuff like that. I don't want to look at it and perpetuate that line of thinking, but I seem to write more about it every time I do touch it.
I'm just trying to stay positive and keep moving, even if that movement is slower than I like. It's just really, really tough to do so without feeling the boards begin to creak.
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through that as well. It's comforting to know that you understand what I'm going through though. Your words resonated a lot with me.
In fact, a few months ago I was almost in the exact same situation since I was only working one part time job (finally got a full time job in January) that would never give me as many hours as I would've liked. I had way too much free time and it was really bad for my mental state, having so much time on my own, just dwelling in my own head.
I hope you're able to continue making an effort to stay positive and move forward. Hang in there.
It helps knowing that there are other people here who are struggling with conditions such as this, yeah. Not that I'm happy you're sick (far from it) but there's a certain comfort from a shared experience. No matter how many good friends I have, there's always this isolation I feel because people just understand chronic pain conditions unless they have them themselves.
And if it helps, I think you're a badass.
Thank you!
And this is actually one of the happier pieces. You should have heard the stuff I wrote that I intended to be hopeless. Problem is, I feel like I've said everything I want to say about all the suffering and now I'm gravitating towards happier compositions. Sorta.
But thanks!Thank you! This piece is dedicated to our very own Fiction, who I suspect is lurking about somewhere.
RoyaleDuke
Banned
It's true, few people can understand sickness unless they actually have to deal with it day in and day out.
As for me being a Badass thanks lol. I don't really think so but thank you very much. If you ever need to talk just send me a message here on GAF or if you have any consoles/PC I can friend you on there too. If you need to talk just let me know!
Astral Dog
Member
God, this post was a mess.
Whatever, if i can't fix my life in the next few years i will do it, life is worthless, won't let them insult me anymore.
could go on but also wanted to thank everyone on GAF as i learned much on this forum and it helped alot this past year, great people here..
Whatever, if i can't fix my life in the next few years i will do it, life is worthless, won't let them insult me anymore.
could go on but also wanted to thank everyone on GAF as i learned much on this forum and it helped alot this past year, great people here..
It has almost been 6 months since my breakup. I met a girl whom I liked a lot, yet the more I hang out with her, the more comparisons I make. I cannot help but do this. Everything reminds me of my ex. The fact of the matter is that I cannot force myself to love anyone nearly as much as I did her.
Oh well. Another 6 months of hell & then I'll see where I'm at. If anywhere at all.
Oh well. Another 6 months of hell & then I'll see where I'm at. If anywhere at all.
RoyaleDuke
Banned
Hang in there IP, you can make it man I know you can.
Ugh, today was really trying for me.
First off it was Mother's Day, which has always felt off ever since my mom died when I was a teenager. Nothing like an endless barrage of maternal imagery to make you remember all the memories you never got to make. And it's not like I have many to hold on to....
Then I get a call from my older sister's boyfriend. My sister may be getting out of jail this week and he wanted me to use up PTO to support her in court. Quite frankly I'm not done hating her yet. I'm still waiting for her to acknowledge and apologize for what her actions did to us. Only thing she said in her letters was "could you do X for me".
Told her boyfriend I couldn't make it, he said "That's pretty wrong for someone who left Maryland to raise you." That just infuriated me. That isn't his card to play, first off. Second, I'm in no way responsible for how her life turned out. Finally, any debt there has been repaid.
My little sister...I just need a break from her. She's way too dependent on me. I watch her kid 4 or 5 days a week (and have been for four years) and it's not exactly good for your social life when you effectively have a 10PM curfew (due to aforementioned kid watching). With the every-other-day phonecalls of whatever wrong happened in her day, I'm just drained.
What I really need is a week or month where my family can't contact me...where the only problems on my plate are my own.
First off it was Mother's Day, which has always felt off ever since my mom died when I was a teenager. Nothing like an endless barrage of maternal imagery to make you remember all the memories you never got to make. And it's not like I have many to hold on to....
Then I get a call from my older sister's boyfriend. My sister may be getting out of jail this week and he wanted me to use up PTO to support her in court. Quite frankly I'm not done hating her yet. I'm still waiting for her to acknowledge and apologize for what her actions did to us. Only thing she said in her letters was "could you do X for me".
Told her boyfriend I couldn't make it, he said "That's pretty wrong for someone who left Maryland to raise you." That just infuriated me. That isn't his card to play, first off. Second, I'm in no way responsible for how her life turned out. Finally, any debt there has been repaid.
My little sister...I just need a break from her. She's way too dependent on me. I watch her kid 4 or 5 days a week (and have been for four years) and it's not exactly good for your social life when you effectively have a 10PM curfew (due to aforementioned kid watching). With the every-other-day phonecalls of whatever wrong happened in her day, I'm just drained.
What I really need is a week or month where my family can't contact me...where the only problems on my plate are my own.
The more I live on, the more suicide is an attractive option.
Hello, everyone. It's the first time I'm posting in this thread. I guess the reason why I didn't kill myself years ago, is that I don't have the balls to pull the trigger. The only thing that keeps me from killing myself right now, is statistics. Believe it or not.
Hello, everyone. It's the first time I'm posting in this thread. I guess the reason why I didn't kill myself years ago, is that I don't have the balls to pull the trigger. The only thing that keeps me from killing myself right now, is statistics. Believe it or not.
You like Statistics that much or you saw the suicide stats? I can understand both cases.
MisterLuffy
Member
Thanks for replying nonetheless. I need to find my own way of understanding the concepts better. I should've went to my instructor's office hours to tell her that her lectures didn't work out for me. But it's too late since my finals are next week.
Mathematical Statistics. I'm not sure why, but my fascination with Statistics is what kept me alive so far. It's still a painful existence, though.
That's interesting. I used to be obsessed about Pure Math and then Computer Science. Can't really do it anymore because I can't enjoy it and my head gets foggy when thinking about problems. Solving a tough problem after a lot of thinking is probably one of the best feelings I've experienced. I was looking into Data Science and it's basically lots of Probability and Statistics. Mathematical Statistics is more on the pure side right?
I hear that. Both the speed up the week thing and seeing a doctor thing.
The waiting game is the worst. Especially when you're struggling in the meantime.
Right now I'm waiting to get a third blood test so that I can confirm that I have low testosterone so that I can wait to see an endocrinologist so that I can presumably get testosterone replacement therapy (and then I'll probably have to wait a bit for that to actually kick in). It's a long road. That could be a big factor in my depression though, so it might solve a large amount of my issues.
And then I'm still waiting for my SSRIs to kick in as well. And the longer I wait for those to kick in, the more I'm starting to feel like maybe they won't even do anything since it's possible that the low testosterone is the primary cause of the depression, thus the SSRIs may not even be treating the problem.
So yeah, hang in there. I'm right there beside you waiting for things to get better.
Waiting sucks, yes. And I am very bad at it.
Also, your post reminded me to go take my meds so thanks!
What's up mate?
Feel free. There's no shame in struggling and there's no judgement here.
Talking about your struggles with others tends to help take some of the weight off.
Well I feel like a bit of a jerk posting in here when my problem is minor compared to others but oh well. Basically my gf broke up with me due to my social anxiety. I actually kind of forgot about that issue when I was with her because she made me feel so confident, but I guess it still stood out to her.
So anyways now I basically don't have anyone or any sense of direction. I had been planning my future around her and now everything just feels pointless. I don't really feel a sense of worth or purpose. I have plenty of hobbies I enjoy, but it just feels like going through the motions rather than passion.
So I need to go meet new people. Anxiety aside, this is tough just because of how strictly I govern my time. I don't drink or eat bad food. I work out 2 hours a day. I draw about 5 hours a day, and my day job takes 10 hours. I sleep 6 hours, and there's another hour for food, shower etc. I'm willing to sacrifice some of that to give to others, but I wish I could find people who had my same interests. I'm sure there's someone out there, just seems like such an incredible pain in the ass to find them. Plus even if I did meet them, I absolutely suck at making friends. Everyone tells me I'm a great and nice guy, but I never actually figure out how to have a close relationship.
Thinking about therapy but it's just so expensive.
Anyways, that's enough whining.
So anyways now I basically don't have anyone or any sense of direction. I had been planning my future around her and now everything just feels pointless. I don't really feel a sense of worth or purpose. I have plenty of hobbies I enjoy, but it just feels like going through the motions rather than passion.
So I need to go meet new people. Anxiety aside, this is tough just because of how strictly I govern my time. I don't drink or eat bad food. I work out 2 hours a day. I draw about 5 hours a day, and my day job takes 10 hours. I sleep 6 hours, and there's another hour for food, shower etc. I'm willing to sacrifice some of that to give to others, but I wish I could find people who had my same interests. I'm sure there's someone out there, just seems like such an incredible pain in the ass to find them. Plus even if I did meet them, I absolutely suck at making friends. Everyone tells me I'm a great and nice guy, but I never actually figure out how to have a close relationship.
Thinking about therapy but it's just so expensive.
Anyways, that's enough whining.
BlueSummers
Member
Well I feel like a bit of a jerk posting in here when my problem is minor compared to others but oh well. Basically my gf broke up with me due to my social anxiety. I actually kind of forgot about that issue when I was with her because she made me feel so confident, but I guess it still stood out to her.
So anyways now I basically don't have anyone or any sense of direction. I had been planning my future around her and now everything just feels pointless. I don't really feel a sense of worth or purpose. I have plenty of hobbies I enjoy, but it just feels like going through the motions rather than passion.
So I need to go meet new people. Anxiety aside, this is tough just because of how strictly I govern my time. I don't drink or eat bad food. I work out 2 hours a day. I draw about 5 hours a day, and my day job takes 10 hours. I sleep 6 hours, and there's another hour for food, shower etc. I'm willing to sacrifice some of that to give to others, but I wish I could find people who had my same interests. I'm sure there's someone out there, just seems like such an incredible pain in the ass to find them. Plus even if I did meet them, I absolutely suck at making friends. Everyone tells me I'm a great and nice guy, but I never actually figure out how to have a close relationship.
Thinking about therapy but it's just so expensive.
Anyways, that's enough whining.
I can relate to basically everything here. Gf and I broke up recently and I just have felt numb ever since. I also have a hard time meeting new people and I get frustrated because somewhere in the back of my mind I just want another person to watch anime with, and play games with, and go to movies with, etc..just like what I like! and enjoy it with me. My ex did for a time, but a big factor in us breaking up was that we really no longer enjoyed the same thing..so when you do find it, really hold onto it because finding someone with the same interests,who you also enjoy spending time with, is rare.
Well, I will be able to keep this shitty job, because nerves are in far better shape than my doctor thought. There is some damage, but it is only to three fingers on right arm. Still I need to do EM scan, but neurologist is certain that there is no bigger damage.
At least some good news on this crappy day. I do not know why I am such magnet for older women, looks like 75 shades of grey on my head are attracting them like light attracts moths
At least some good news on this crappy day. I do not know why I am such magnet for older women, looks like 75 shades of grey on my head are attracting them like light attracts moths
RoyaleDuke
Banned
Saw my therapist again today, had some interesting breakthroughs in therapy today that kind of opened my eyes to some truths that I didn't want to accept or had been ignoring.
I feel like maybe I'm on the right path, and I feel a little better today.
I'm gonna go get some awesome pizza later to reward myself since my therapist told me to do one good thing for myself today.
I feel like writing again.
I feel like maybe I'm on the right path, and I feel a little better today.
I'm gonna go get some awesome pizza later to reward myself since my therapist told me to do one good thing for myself today.
I feel like writing again.
That can be rough. It's worth meeting with a doctor to talk things through and see what they recommend. In terms of loneliness you might want to look at clubs or meetups in your area? You might feel alone, but there are definitely others in the same boat!
Vigilant Walrus
Member
Well I feel like a bit of a jerk posting in here when my problem is minor compared to others but oh well. Basically my gf broke up with me due to my social anxiety. I actually kind of forgot about that issue when I was with her because she made me feel so confident, but I guess it still stood out to her.
So anyways now I basically don't have anyone or any sense of direction. I had been planning my future around her and now everything just feels pointless. I don't really feel a sense of worth or purpose. I have plenty of hobbies I enjoy, but it just feels like going through the motions rather than passion.
So I need to go meet new people. Anxiety aside, this is tough just because of how strictly I govern my time. I don't drink or eat bad food. I work out 2 hours a day. I draw about 5 hours a day, and my day job takes 10 hours. I sleep 6 hours, and there's another hour for food, shower etc. I'm willing to sacrifice some of that to give to others, but I wish I could find people who had my same interests. I'm sure there's someone out there, just seems like such an incredible pain in the ass to find them. Plus even if I did meet them, I absolutely suck at making friends. Everyone tells me I'm a great and nice guy, but I never actually figure out how to have a close relationship.
Thinking about therapy but it's just so expensive.
Anyways, that's enough whining.
I think you should do a group activity:
Join a martial arts gym, a climbing gym, somewhere, were you can talk to people in a space and manner you feel comfortable with. These places attract many different sorts of people, and the pressure of meeting others is "relief" because you are there to do something. It's more difficult when you are just going out to meet someone.
free style climbing gyms are fun. people will approach you and ask you if you are done using a wall, how long you have been training. just go there to and get a sweat in. Within a couple of sessions some people will notice you and I think you will meet someone to talk to.
Double so with martial arts. you have to spar with people, do padwork, hold each others legs when stretching. if you do stuff like kickboxing a lot of women show up to get a good workout so that might be something too.
if you are near the water, kayaking can be fun! you could also join a running club. usually older folks in that one too. I think that it is easier sometimes to relax around older people because they got less shit to prove.
Great advice. I was going to suggest the exact same thing.
I joined a bouldering/climbing gym a few months ago. It is one of the best things that's ever happened to me. It's practically the only thing I look forward to doing and I absolutely LOVE it. Almost more for the social aspect than the bouldering aspect. It's so easy to become friends with people when you all have something in common and have a reason to talk to each other. And it's an amazing feeling to walk into a place and have all of the regulars recognize you. It's one of the first times in a very long time I've really felt a part of a community.
So yes, long story short, I completely agree with your advice. Between the bouldering gym and seeing my coworkers at work, my social needs are pretty much fulfilled.
Oh my god.
I love it.
It's so good.
What is the name of this genre? Where do I find more music like this?! "Calming piano music" is too broad. I need more of it! I need it to calm my nerves on busy days
and to relax me as I play city builders!
I hope you can find it in you to keep composing. I would love to hear what you come up with next.
Seriously, good stuff man.
Now, my doctor left town to be with her family. I decided to get off the meds and man, the withdrawl was so awful. But, I was fixed. At least I think I was. There are times where it does set in for a few days when I do have a lot on my mind and I decide to shut down or become completely irritable (Good thing I stock piled the anxiety meds and can take those and they help me a lot).
Now, I know I have a place I can speak about what;s going on and know that people understand that that the human mind is completely complex. Glad to be here.
Why did you decide to go off of your meds? It's generally not a good idea to tinker around with (or discontinue) medications without the supervision of a medical professional and wanting to discontinue meds once things seem to have gotten better is a trap we've all fallen into.
I would encourage you to start seeing a psychiatrist again, both to review whether you should go back on your medications (maybe, maybe not) and to monitor your use of anixolytics which, depending on the type, can be very habit forming.
That being said, I'm glad you were able to get out of your dark period and we're all happy to have another friend in the thread
You feel that too?! I'm so deathly afraid of losing "momentum" in my life, so much so that having too much time off scares me, lest I get "stuck" in sadness and low motivation like I have been before. I managed to keep my winter break off of school structured enough to not fall apart but it always feels like I'm just around the corner from hitting a big skid...
Hopefully the medication can help you tip the balance so that it's the depression that takes up the minority rather than sits as your default emotional state. You've got a good head on your shoulders, man - you seem very insightful and aware of the intricacies of your own suffering. That's a very, very valuable thing, all throughout life.
The mere fact that you like another girl means you've made loads of progress since the other posts you've made about your break-up over the past six months. It's natural to think of your ex - you're starting to tread over terrain with this new girl that you haven't touched since your breakup! I would encourage you to try to breathe into the discomfort of it all and take it one day at a time. Slowly but surely you can gently move aside old memories for new feelings.
That being said, I still think you could benefit greatly from therapy. It can help you unpack why you're having so much trouble moving on and you can learn about how you relate to women so that you don't have to go through such a horrible breakup again.
I didn't significantly get over the loss of my "first love" until I was months into a relationship with the woman who would become my second love, and I didn't understand why the breakup wrecked me so hard until I gained a much stronger understanding, through therapy, of what I look for in a girlfriend.
I hope things continue to go well with the girl you like
I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties, Salamando.
Does it help you to talk about what's going on with others or here on GAF?
We're in the game of supporting one another and coping with our personal suffering, not judging the magnitude of each others' problems. It sounds as though you're going through something that is affecting your life and causing you to suffer which makes it more than legitimate in my opinion!
I think therapy could be completely worth it, though, and if you have insurance you likely can find someone who is covered, leaving you with only a reasonable copay. Ultimately a therapist will be able to go into more depth and listen more closely than us here in the Mental Health OT or even your close friends and hopefully you can develop a more complete understanding of why you feel such a malaise.
In the mean time, I'll give you my $0.02
Anxiety does a lot of strange things.
It used to run my life in a bad way. No matter how little I had to do, I was always overwhelmed. I was never able to relax into a moment and just enjoy it without having one eye on the clock and one foot out the door. My response was to try to control every part of my life, to always have every situation under my control. I'd elect to stay in or hang out at my place instead of going anywhere, I'd play the same game for months instead of trying anything new, et cetera.
Anxiety doesn't affect me in that way any more. I still have it, tons of it, but with therapy and medication its grip on me has loosened slightly and I've also come to recognize ways to work around its idiosyncrasies. Yes, I still like to have my day under control, I still have a mental checklist at all times, and I'm still usually watching the clock but I've found ways to lessen the importance of those - I've found ways to breathe into the discomfort of new situations, I've found ways to organize myself so that I can relax for even a few hours, and I've even learned to stop wearing a watch because the constant tick tick ticking made me ever aware of my limited time.
Your mentioning that you exercise two hours per day is very interesting to me. Two hours?! That's a hell of a lot, perhaps too much (I'm not a doctor, obviously). It sounds as though you've got your days structured in an airtight way and yes, when you stick to that, it doesn't look as though there's much space for other people. But instead of trying to shift around the schedule to accommodate friendships maybe it's worth investigating whether you can sometimes throw the schedule out altogether and live more flexibly. What happens when you have a day where the schedule goes out the window? Is it anxiety inducing? Is it miserable?
I think these are the sorts of things you could get into (in much more depth) with a therapist.
Whatever you do, keep us posted
First of all, I laughed out loud at your last sentence. Now I'm curious how older women go about hitting on people. Can't say I've ever been a target.
I'm glad you got some good news. Perhaps it can sustain you even slightly through the darkness, until you can find your next temporary oasis on your quest to find a sustainable source of light.
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!
I cheered at my desk reading this post, no joke. I've got an ear to ear smile.
YYYYEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!!
<3
Thanks, dude. That means a lot to me. <3 I would label my piano work under the contemporary classical music genre. I'm not sure how familiar you are with classical music but I can definitely give you recommendations for more piano pieces. Gotta have tunes for Cities: Skylines, right?
(Which reminds me, I need to get back to that game...)
Right now, I'm trying to write a song (baritone and piano) so it might not be as relaxing.
The mere fact that you like another girl means you've made loads of progress since the other posts you've made about your break-up over the past six months. It's natural to think of your ex - you're starting to tread over terrain with this new girl that you haven't touched since your breakup! I would encourage you to try to breathe into the discomfort of it all and take it one day at a time. Slowly but surely you can gently move aside old memories for new feelings.
That being said, I still think you could benefit greatly from therapy. It can help you unpack why you're having so much trouble moving on and you can learn about how you relate to women so that you don't have to go through such a horrible breakup again.
I didn't significantly get over the loss of my "first love" until I was months into a relationship with the woman who would become my second love, and I didn't understand why the breakup wrecked me so hard until I gained a much stronger understanding, through therapy, of what I look for in a girlfriend.
I hope things continue to go well with the girl you like
Unfortunately I've disappointed her. I didn't feel it fair to her that I still have this feeling for my ex, yet also for this other girl. I told her that I think she is right (she told me 6 months may not be enough time for me). She said, "I can hear it in your voice when I ask about your ex. I can tell you still love her." This is the sad truth. I know my ex no longer exists as I remember her, but I still love her in that light. This girl has been very quiet with me since that conversation earlier today. Normally her & I would be talking all day.
This is the 3rd girl (I think) that I have fucked things up with because I am not yet over my ex. I need to stop forcing myself into moving on. That is only making things worse. When I think back to how comfortable and how much I loved my ex, I simply cannot even fathom having those same feelings for someone else. I still wish this was a nightmare I could wake up from. I still wish my ex & I will reconnect sometime in the future. Simply having those thoughts tells me I'm nowhere near ready. Also I haven't talked to my ex's sister in almost a month. I know that's something everyone on here was telling me to do.
There's this really great playlist on Spotify called Peaceful Piano. The music on that playlist leans more towards contemporary than jb's compositions though. Nils Frahm in particular stuck out to me and is worth checking out. Jb could probably give you way more educated recommendations than me though.
Yes, exactly!
And happiness almost seems exhausting at times because of how much effort it takes to sustain. It sounds bizarre when I write it out, but yeah. It's a little hard to explain, but you might know what I'm talking about.
And thank you so much for the encouragement.
Anxiety does a lot of strange things.
It used to run my life in a bad way. No matter how little I had to do, I was always overwhelmed. I was never able to relax into a moment and just enjoy it without having one eye on the clock and one foot out the door. My response was to try to control every part of my life, to always have every situation under my control. I'd elect to stay in or hang out at my place instead of going anywhere, I'd play the same game for months instead of trying anything new, et cetera.
Anxiety doesn't affect me in that way any more. I still have it, tons of it, but with therapy and medication its grip on me has loosened slightly and I've also come to recognize ways to work around its idiosyncrasies. Yes, I still like to have my day under control, I still have a mental checklist at all times, and I'm still usually watching the clock but I've found ways to lessen the importance of those - I've found ways to breathe into the discomfort of new situations, I've found ways to organize myself so that I can relax for even a few hours, and I've even learned to stop wearing a watch because the constant tick tick ticking made me ever aware of my limited time.
Your mentioning that you exercise two hours per day is very interesting to me. Two hours?! That's a hell of a lot, perhaps too much (I'm not a doctor, obviously). It sounds as though you've got your days structured in an airtight way and yes, when you stick to that, it doesn't look as though there's much space for other people. But instead of trying to shift around the schedule to accommodate friendships maybe it's worth investigating whether you can sometimes throw the schedule out altogether and live more flexibly. What happens when you have a day where the schedule goes out the window? Is it anxiety inducing? Is it miserable?
I think these are the sorts of things you could get into (in much more depth) with a therapist.
Whatever you do, keep us posted
Your description of your anxiety is almost word for word what I'm like. I find it nearly impossible to just relax, I mentally schedule every single day, I have a mental list of things that I need to do which end up all feeling like chores that need to be checked off even when they're supposed to be fun/enjoyable things. I'm pretty awful at throwing my schedule out the window.
The nice thing about working so much is that the majority of my days are accounted for, so I don't have much extra time I have to worry about figuring out, but when I was only working 20-30 hour weeks and had tons of free time and many days off, I would always find myself feeling like I was completely overwhelmed by how much I had to do when in reality I had barely anything to do and most of the things I "had" to do were fun things that I was only going to do for enjoyment.
Anxiety used to be a more noticeable part of my life, but for the past couple years depression has overshadowed it and also it might be that it simply became so normal to me that I stopped noticing it. This post has made me realize that it's probably something I should try to get figured out though. Thank you for the insight.
Yeah you could say that. It's kind of funny actually, Math is not my favorite subject ( I struggled a lot with it growing up and in early college) but then I took a mandatory Stat course at my local college. My professor (who worked as a researcher at a big pharma) taught that class in a way which made sense, it made Calculus "click" with my brain for some reason.
Anyway, yeah. Stats is pure Math. A lot goes into the design & inference. I'm amazed on how versatile Statistics are as a profession.
Ally of Justice
Member
I got mugged today. This guy entered after me at the ATM and hit me in the back with something. It hurt like hell and threw me against the ATM machine. He demanded money or would keep hitting me. I had just withdrawn some money I was going to give to my sister as a late birthday gift and my balance was showing in the ATM screen.
So I had to give this guy about 700 USD (equivalent) in order to not to be beaten. I'm left with a balance of 25 USD and 80 USD in my pocket.
I've been struggling with depression for almost a year now. About a year ago I had to temporarily drop out from school because problems with my job and those 700 USD were my savings to return to school, because I'm losing my job next week.
With depression, comes anxiety and low self-esteem. I can barely get up from bed every day in order to go to work, and my self-esteem is so low that I'm even afraid of asking if there's something else I can do at my job in order to keep it.
So I'm back at square one. I have less than a month to get 150 USD to pay for the inscription and even then, I don't have money for commute and eating there.
And now I'm even more scared of people that I ever was...
So I had to give this guy about 700 USD (equivalent) in order to not to be beaten. I'm left with a balance of 25 USD and 80 USD in my pocket.
I've been struggling with depression for almost a year now. About a year ago I had to temporarily drop out from school because problems with my job and those 700 USD were my savings to return to school, because I'm losing my job next week.
With depression, comes anxiety and low self-esteem. I can barely get up from bed every day in order to go to work, and my self-esteem is so low that I'm even afraid of asking if there's something else I can do at my job in order to keep it.
So I'm back at square one. I have less than a month to get 150 USD to pay for the inscription and even then, I don't have money for commute and eating there.
And now I'm even more scared of people that I ever was...
pixelation
Member
Whoah dude, that is terrible... just terrible. I wish i had money to send your way but sadly i don't, i really hope things start turning around (in a good way) for you.
Thanks for your response. Yeah I do think the diagnosis is more accurate for what it's worth. I do have a strong family support system, so I could consider getting them to help me with trying to get motivated to get exercise and other things I need work at. But I really do believe I need to get my baseline up a little, through medication and therapy. Still feel like I have large mental blocks with many of the things I struggle with, and yeah baseline motivation is pathetically low.
MisterLuffy
Member
I'm a bad listener. Yesterday and my past experiences proves it that. I feel like such an idiot when I find it hard to follow simple instructions from someone. My instructor for linear algebra was a jerk to me yesterday because I didn't understand what he's asking me to do. It's my fault for not being a very good listener. Even when I asked my brother's help on a homework, I fail to follow his instructions. I do listen, I just tend to forget for a second or I'm not clear on what they're asking me. Just imagine if I worked at a company, and my boss instructs me to do something. If I forget or don't know what he/she's asking me to do, I could possibly get fired from that. This problem can also contribute to why I don't look for jobs. I do want to work to earn a living, but my lack of...anything is causing me to feel doubts about myself.
Not as much as I'd like. I'm okay with the entire parents thing, just certain days get a little morose. But when my older sister/little sister start acting like children, I start wishing my parents were around to lend some advice. I'll manage my little sister, but my older sister...
She's been battling depression since high school...and more recently, she's developed a problem with addiction. I try to help her out, but she only ever contacts me when she's trying to get bailed out or wants something. For example, on a Wednesday in October, I took her out for dinner. Asked her what was up, how things were going, what was on her mind, that kind of thing. Said nothing. That Friday she was on her way to court-mandated rehab, because she failed a pee test on Monday. Come December, she asks to borrow some money for a Lawyer. I loan her $1000 (that I know is gone forever), she ends up buying her boyfriend a ps3 and her daughters a new laptop for Christmas. January and February I get letters asking for more money so she could hire a better lawyer, since her old one sucked. Once an extended family member agreed to get her a lawyer, the letters miraculously stopped coming. Instead it's just second hand contempt via her boyfriend.
Seriously, what can I do there? I refuse to be shat on by older sister or her boyfriend, but what option is there?
terrisus
Member
Just saying, but, that suicide prevention number that everyone's always recommending really wasn't all that helpful.
I'm not really sure exactly what I expected, obviously it's not like they can offer some miracle solution over the phone or something, but it was basically just sit there and talk about problems (which, granted, is a very useful thing), and then at the end basically just "Your life has too much stress in it, you need to reduce your stress, don't worry about the things that you can't deal with, make a list for the stuff that you can, and work on relaxation techniques...
It's like, yeah, that's great to say and all... But I know all of that, and if it were that easy I would be doing it already... All the problems and issues are still there...
Well, at least it was someone to talk to for a bit...
Also started on a new anti-depression/anti-anxiety medication a couple of days ago, since the one that I had been taking for the past year or so didn't really seem to be doing a whole lot... So, we'll see how this one goes I guess...
I don't even know, honestly...
I'm not really sure exactly what I expected, obviously it's not like they can offer some miracle solution over the phone or something, but it was basically just sit there and talk about problems (which, granted, is a very useful thing), and then at the end basically just "Your life has too much stress in it, you need to reduce your stress, don't worry about the things that you can't deal with, make a list for the stuff that you can, and work on relaxation techniques...
It's like, yeah, that's great to say and all... But I know all of that, and if it were that easy I would be doing it already... All the problems and issues are still there...
Well, at least it was someone to talk to for a bit...
Also started on a new anti-depression/anti-anxiety medication a couple of days ago, since the one that I had been taking for the past year or so didn't really seem to be doing a whole lot... So, we'll see how this one goes I guess...
I don't even know, honestly...
Good luck on new meds mate. What are ya switching to if you don't mind saying?
terrisus
Member
<checks> Escitalopram Oxalate. So, Lexapro I guess.
I had been on whatever the generic version of Zoloft was (Sertraline, I believe) before.
terrisus
Member
I feel ya. Good luck
I guess what I was on before had one of the side effects being a significant decrease in sexual drive - which, of course, is one of my problems (in terms of how it affects my relationship), is me not having basically any sexual drive. So, we had worked me off of that earlier in the year to see if that had any effects on my sexual drive, which it didn't seem to - I still had basically no sexual drive at all. So, we put me back onto it after that. But, during the whole process of being worked off of it and then being put back onto it, I didn't really notice a significant change in my depression levels anyway. So, it probably wasn't doing much of anything regardless. So, we'll see how this new one goes I guess. I'm not expecting much though, it's not like it can change all of the external issues that I have...
blast processed
Member
Didn't know there was a thread for this, it really would have helped me the last several months. I'm currently out of work due to massive panic attacks and was taken to the ER 2 weeks ago. I have a history of depression in my family and really haven't had any issues in 20 years. However between work (biggest offender), new neighbors, my daughter going to college, son going to Middle School & just everything in general, I've felt like a ticking time bomb.
I haven't had a panic attack in 24 hours thankfully and when I do I was prescribed Lorazpam which works within 15 min to deal with it. The problem I have with it, is that it knocks me out 3 hours later where I sleep like a rock. The maintenance medication I now have to take daily is Escitalopram.
My brain just broke when I was doing the daily deposit and couldn't get the reports to match the money taken. I've done it a thousand times but at that point it didn't matter. My Employer is being supportive and are paying me for my time out, I have been with the company since 2000, so that helps.
Subscribed
I haven't had a panic attack in 24 hours thankfully and when I do I was prescribed Lorazpam which works within 15 min to deal with it. The problem I have with it, is that it knocks me out 3 hours later where I sleep like a rock. The maintenance medication I now have to take daily is Escitalopram.
My brain just broke when I was doing the daily deposit and couldn't get the reports to match the money taken. I've done it a thousand times but at that point it didn't matter. My Employer is being supportive and are paying me for my time out, I have been with the company since 2000, so that helps.
Subscribed
Yeah, I hear a lot about the sexual side effects with this stuff, but being asexual I can't say I have noticed much.
That is really cool! Good on them.
Vigilant Walrus
Member
I am really sorry you were assaulted. That is terrible. I know you don't have money but it is important that you visit a doctor. Events like this can trigger a form of PTSD if left unchecked.
Secondly, you're alive. This is victory. You could have been killed. People get killed every day when they are mugged. It's the most important part that you are okay.
What you are going through now is the personification of "problems often come with more problems". A Catch-22 avalance of bullshit. What you need to do is gain your composure.
Step 1. Make sure your health is okay. Worry about the money later.
Step 2. Find a friend or family member were you can crash. Do what you have to do. You can't be assaulted and then pretend everything is okay. Forget school, forget job right now. Just focus on surviving.
Step 3. Regain your strength. And take it from there. You can bounce back.
Step 4. May I recommend Martial Arts to you? I think Judo, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, Boxing or Thaiboxing would do you some good. You completely change as a person. You become incredible confident and capable. If you do one of these four things, I guarantee that you can protect yourself from assailants in the future. Enough for you to be able to defend yourself and run away, without them being able to hurt you. Not against a gun or a knife, but your odds of survival are massively increased.
You begin to look at yourself differently, and others.
When it begins to dawn on you that almost nobody actually knows how to fight your entire idea of what it means to be strong will change. I promise you, that it is vehicle for self development and the sparring you receive in arts like these will test you and make you a better person, both physically and mentally. And that's a promise.
Step 5. I am really glad you're okay. I know someone who got assaulted on new years eve by a eastern european gang. They tortured him with firecrackers (put them in his jeans while he was wearing them). Then all 15 of them beat the shit out of him. This happened here in Denmark. The statistical most safest country in the world. I don't know were you live. But regardless if it is peaceful like in Tokyo or Helsinki or dangerous like Rio or Guataemala City, nothing matters more than your own safety. It's all you have.
You losing your job, you being delayed with school. None of this matters right now!
terrisus
Member
Yeah, I wouldn't necessarily say that I'm asexual... But, realistically, probably pretty close to that... Not to mention having a whole bunch of issues around sex and stuff in general...
Which definitely causes a big problem between me and my wife, who is extremely sexual... So, she's definitely not happy with that, I would like to do something about that...
But, my testosterone levels are normal, and the medication didn't seem to be the issue, so, I guess this is just kind of how I am with regards to that...
Just one of many problems involved in my life I guess.
Vigilant Walrus
Member
You're too hard on yourself.
Look at this:
So you're not a verbal learner. I am neither. That doesn't make us stupid, it's just that our RPG-Stats are not tuned into your Algebra professors method of explaining things. Don't let his inadequacy and lack of composure get the better of you.
It will never be the students fault that they cannot be explained something in a way that makes sense to them.
It's your teachers job to assist you and teach you. Him condemning you says nothing about you, and everything about him.
Be the bigger man, and if he riles on you again, calmly explain to him that you don't get it, and you would appreciate it if he would cut back on his hostile tone. It's unprofessional as hell to out people in the middle of class. That's basically just bullying. Don't take that shit.
My bane in life is math and I struggle with these things as well. I also have a language barrier which makes the awesome khanacademy.com difficult for me to use. I know exactly what you're going through. Just don't let this teachter dictate how you feel.
To me a bad listener is somebody who is not trying to listen or doesn't care. You can be a great listen, if you listen with empathy. There is a really great TED video were Julian Treasure gives 5 ways for people to listen better: http://www.ted.com/talks/julian_treasure_5_ways_to_listen_better
But this is listening in the context of conversation. Understanding a logical problem like linear algebra is something different I think!
Various Artists
Banned
Just found out my wife miscarried. Feels bad.
- Status