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Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
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DiddysKongQuest
Member
I'm currently having a hard time talking with her. I visited her this afternoon and brought roses. The only respond I got was "how sweet, thanks!" followed by nothing, not even hug. After that I pretty much stayed quiet the entire time and couldn't really bring myself to say much. She kissed me later though and suggested that we should do something together tomorrow evening. It's all really confusing to me.
I think she would change her mind if I opened up more to her. Hopefully she really wants to see me tomorrow and we can have a serious talk without me crying.
My therapist had recommended me to go and start a garden, as a therapeutic way to cope with my lost of friends, depression, stress levels, and a way to help with my social skills.
This is what the garden looked like in May, after gutting (and later planting) the garden from the dead vegetation that was left behind by the previous owners:
And here is what it looks like in August. The reason why it looks dry, is due to the water shortages here in North Vancouver:
It hasn't stopped me from thinking of my friends and how lonely I am, but I am happy with how my garden has turned out.
This is what the garden looked like in May, after gutting (and later planting) the garden from the dead vegetation that was left behind by the previous owners:
And here is what it looks like in August. The reason why it looks dry, is due to the water shortages here in North Vancouver:
It hasn't stopped me from thinking of my friends and how lonely I am, but I am happy with how my garden has turned out.
Tried for several years with multiple therapists, been taking medication for about two years, nothing seems to work.
DiddysKongQuest
Member
Really cool garden, blues! 
Just got a text message from my girlfriend. Can't say that I'm surprised that she suddenly doesn't want to do something with me tonight.
Just got a text message from my girlfriend. Can't say that I'm surprised that she suddenly doesn't want to do something with me tonight.
If I may ask, has she always been this fickle in your relationship with her?
Femmeworth
Banned
Hey all. Trying to find resources for someone I know. They need a hotline to call every so often when their issues flare up. They are a rape survivor and part of the LGBTIQ community. When they are in need they get agitated easily and have had some bad experiences with hotlines like RAINN, which has been a mixed bag overall.
DiddysKongQuest
Member
No, she never behaved like that before.
At least my day changed for the better after the message. My little cousins visited to play some games with me for 2 hours and later I got drunk with best friends to distract myself. Texted her later on and admitted my depression and all my other problems. It's a small step I guess.
ThankYouDaletech
Banned
So I pretty much have no reason to live and it seems like a continued effort toward living is just going to prolong my suffering.
I never finished college so the only jobs available to me are minimum wage garbage. There's absolutely no point in doing that. I'm almost 30, I can't continue to work humiliating and degrading service industry jobs for ~$10/hr. Working every single weekend and just struggling to make enough money to go back to my horrible job the next day. Why does anyone do that? I sincerely have no idea why suicide rates aren't double or triple what they are considering so many people are going through exactly what I am. There is absolutely no point to living this life and it's only constant suffering and stress, I honestly cannot comprehend how or why anyone does it.
I never finished college so the only jobs available to me are minimum wage garbage. There's absolutely no point in doing that. I'm almost 30, I can't continue to work humiliating and degrading service industry jobs for ~$10/hr. Working every single weekend and just struggling to make enough money to go back to my horrible job the next day. Why does anyone do that? I sincerely have no idea why suicide rates aren't double or triple what they are considering so many people are going through exactly what I am. There is absolutely no point to living this life and it's only constant suffering and stress, I honestly cannot comprehend how or why anyone does it.
boredofcanada
Member
Moved across the country a few months ago for a job and it turned out to be a shit show. My depression and ADHD kicked in hard a week or so ago. I'm in this new city where I know a grand total of 5 people, I have no family here, and im always alone. I have an interview with the county on Wednesday and I'm terrified that my mental state will ruin that interview. I've been trying to get a hold of any place that will help me get back on the meds that I've been taking for years, but it's not that easy here. I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't know why I am even posting here but I am again.
I think I am finally done with life. I know 100% of my problems are self inflicted which is one reason why suicide is the best solution. I failed at life and I am tried of being dragged through this dead body of an existence.
I have been up reading my old posts here on gaf and my journals and wonder why I didn't kill myself before. Nothing gets better at all. I know I'll never have anything worth living for.
I know I'll never get married. Had a friend once who said to me what if I get married at 50 years old. Saying something like this to me when I see others around me getting married and having families is like someone telling me go f myself.
I hate how I look. People say go to the gym like that's going to help anything. My issue is I like guys who 99% of the time will not go out with me. Going to the gym won't solve that.
I have failed at life. I don't have anything I am a walking loser who works just to pay bills and pretty much be shitted on by society.
So finally I just want to apologize for existing. I don't belong here and I know life itself don't want me. I do know death accepts everyone.
Tomorrow hopefully I can and will just end it all if I can. If not then yeah I am a loser for life.
I think I am finally done with life. I know 100% of my problems are self inflicted which is one reason why suicide is the best solution. I failed at life and I am tried of being dragged through this dead body of an existence.
I have been up reading my old posts here on gaf and my journals and wonder why I didn't kill myself before. Nothing gets better at all. I know I'll never have anything worth living for.
I know I'll never get married. Had a friend once who said to me what if I get married at 50 years old. Saying something like this to me when I see others around me getting married and having families is like someone telling me go f myself.
I hate how I look. People say go to the gym like that's going to help anything. My issue is I like guys who 99% of the time will not go out with me. Going to the gym won't solve that.
I have failed at life. I don't have anything I am a walking loser who works just to pay bills and pretty much be shitted on by society.
So finally I just want to apologize for existing. I don't belong here and I know life itself don't want me. I do know death accepts everyone.
Tomorrow hopefully I can and will just end it all if I can. If not then yeah I am a loser for life.
Mainly my heart condition. Either it will give out one time and my pacemaker won't catch it or the scarring tissue will continue to increase and it will just worsen, which it already has and is already doing something new the pacemaker is having trouble keeping up with. Could be a blackout at the wrong time. As much as I hope it would happen while i'm sleeping I know that thought, even though it contradicts my wish, sits in the back of my mind and contributes to my insomnia issues.
Suicidal thoughts is also a consideration with my combined physical and mental issues. I've been in that even keel mood for a month now which is good, I guess, but as my therapist pointed out I float from that dysthymia state which has become a baseline for me to deep depression. Just like people in my group therapy sessions and in this thread you see posters, like the couple above me here, that may have different things going on but we still share similar symptoms. That's why I hate to throw out the same "Things will get better, tomorrow is another day, etc etc" that I get told over and over. I know my conditions are only going to worsen and im going to fall down that pit again and i'm going to using those words my therapist and people tell me against myself. For me it always boils down to hesitation and then holding onto that hesitation. I reason if i'm hesitating then I must be wanting to hold on for something. And at that point I find a reason, no matter how silly it may seem, to keep on going on. I hate the feeling of always clinging on by your fingertips. I feel everyone has different experiences that has lead them to depression and different chemical imbalances. Coupled with different coping mechanisms and support systems sometimes I wonder if its even possible for some of us to ever fully climb out of that pit. Is it better to just accept that and build our life around that or keep on fighting tooth and nail and try to endure the down swings? I wish I had some answer or words of wisdom at the end of typing all that but life just is not that easy unfortunately
Arch Stanton
Neo Member
I know I'm just some random person on the Internet and that my words may not resonate with you, but don't do it.
Call the NAMI help line located at this site http://www.nami.org and someone will be there to listen to you. When a person is suicidal, their mind is not their own. It's almost as if someone else has taken over -- hijacked the mind -- and your normal self -- your true self -- is just sitting there, inert, simply watching as this imposter takes over your personality.
And because it's not you, your thought process is not your own. I don't know how serious you are about what you want to do, but I strongly encourage you to reach out to someone on NAMI and start the counseling process.
It will make a difference.
Lastly, given the seriousness of your post, what I'm about to suggest next will seem like it's out of left-field. But I want to make a book recommendation that I think you (and anyone else on GAF feeling similarly) should read.
It's called "Darkness Visible" by William Styron.
Don't worry, it's a short read (about 100 pages) but I think it will speak to you in a palliative way. It's Styron's memoir of when he suffered from crippling major depression and wanted to commit suicide, and how he got out of it.
Call NAMI. Read this book. Turn away from the darkness.
I'm losing faith in my blog I'm working on pretty quickly. I spent four years studying English in college and somehow I still can't write well. I wish my professors hadn't been so forgiving and allowed me to half-ass all of my papers and given me a false sense of confidence. I kind of prided myself on my writing abilities but it's becoming pretty clear that they're not as strong as I thought they were. And sure I could practice, but I've been practicing consistently for the last four years and it hasn't done as much good as I thought. And I didn't really care about anything more than getting a good grade at that point, but now that I'm writing for my own interest and benefit, it's really getting me down.
On top of that, I got a call back from a company I applied to, which should be a good thing, but of course I'm terrified and I'd rather do...a lot of things...than work there. But I have to pretend that I want to and do my best to get the job so I can make a living, even though that takes more time away from my personal projects, which means my hopes for them amounting to anything will deteriorate even more... But chances are I won't even get the job, because I'm extremely good at bombing interviews. Even the phone conversation I had earlier was intensely awkward. It just seems like there's no winning.
On top of that, I got a call back from a company I applied to, which should be a good thing, but of course I'm terrified and I'd rather do...a lot of things...than work there. But I have to pretend that I want to and do my best to get the job so I can make a living, even though that takes more time away from my personal projects, which means my hopes for them amounting to anything will deteriorate even more... But chances are I won't even get the job, because I'm extremely good at bombing interviews. Even the phone conversation I had earlier was intensely awkward. It just seems like there's no winning.
Maybe I should post things more often like this in here, as I just got an on site interview with the company I was hoping to get one with. I took a coding test for them last week and it turned out to be extremely simple. I have an on-site pair programming session (their form of interview) this Friday
MisterLuffy
Member
First day back to college. As always, it sucked. Too many students there and I just don't like it. Makes me wish that the community college that I transferred from have the classes I need for my major. Now I have to take probability and statistics class for my prerequisite which I find it to be boring and uninteresting. This is my last try so if I fail then I can't take the class again. Which means good bye in getting bachelors degree of computer science.
Forgive Me
Banned
though i havent said anything before, i just want to say that i love all of you (yes you!) and if anyone wants to talk feel free to PM me. you arent alone, even in your most powerful struggles and darkest times.
Sorry for being a bit MIA, y'all, classes started today and it's stressing me out. I copied all of my due dates and stuff into my planner like I do every semester but it just seems like so much more this year than it was last year. It probably isn't, but it seems that way, and I hope I can adjust to the busyness of the semester quickly.
That sounds like a fantastic resource, redlegs. I hope it goes well, and keep us posted if you're comfortable!
Well, certainly, I don't know the situation with your mother so I didn't mean to claim that you "SHOULD" do it that way. That sort of attitude and patience would probably be helpful with a whole slew of people, though, when you're trying to let them in on what's going on.
Regardless, I hope things are going well as you continue looking forward to your upcoming medical appointments!
I was diagnosed, bipolar, yes, and at the time I thought it made a lot of sense but it didn't stick. I came to understand that my mood instability is instead caused by severe anxiety, and subsequently was taken off of the bipolar meds I was on.
So while bipolar is a reality for many, many people, I'd caution not to see any sort of mood up and down as bipolar; it usually is defined by the recognizable manic or hypomanic states. There are some newer diagnoses out there ("bipolar III" which I've heard doctors throw around and cyclothymia) that don't have to be as pronounced which may be a possibility in other situations.
My point, I guess, is that there are often a few different directions from which to look at what's going on, and there might even be several at a time that really seem to make sense. Eventually you can figure out which ones hold up.
I haven't taken either of those medications, no, though Lithium was considered for a period.
First of all, your garden looks great.
Second of all, does it help you process your feelings or think about your loneliness even a bit while you're actively gardening?
Do you have any sense of what didn't work with those therapists? How about with those medications?
You mentioned not wanting to talk about these things in person, DKQ, because they're so sensitive and uncomfortable. Do you think there's any way you could work through that discomfort and try to talk it out face to face? Perhaps write out everything you're going to say ahead of time? That helps me a lot sometimes.
It still seems to me that it could be helpful to level with one another about what's going on instead of just wondering and worrying.
Are there any local LGBTIQ communities you can reach out to to ask what resources they recommend? For instance, I know of a situation locally where a member of my father's church (which has a big LGBT community) was able to get connected to some resources by speaking with another member of the church who had been through similar circumstances.
There's no one reason that people go on unless you categorize it as generally as "they find it sufficiently fulfilling" and even then there are many that fall outside of that broad definition. Ultimately we all have to find our own purpose, meaning and fulfillment, and it is almost never something that is handed to us by someone else; rather we must build it ourselves, for ourselves. The one thing I do believe is that we can all build it, if only we can figure out how. Of course, the figuring out can be difficult in itself. Perhaps that's what you're having trouble with?
I know I'm just some internet yokel so what I say doesn't necessarily have any value, but I sincerely do not believe it is too late for you to start that search, to start building. Sometimes the search itself can be meaningful. Have you considered getting any mental health treatment?
First of all, I admire your strength in moving across the country to a place where you know only a few people. It's a transition that is extremely tough, one that I'm not confident I'll be able to do any time soon.
Is there any option for mental health treatment locally?
I'm sorry things are so tough, neojubei.
You're right that going to the gym won't instantly solve your problems. It will, however, alleviate anxiety (scientifically proven to!), improve your self image, and improve your mental and physical health generally. I must say I don't quite understand what you mean that you're certain that the guys you like won't go out with you and I even less understand that you feel that they never will, NO MATTER WHAT. If it's an issue of how you feel about your physical appearance, that can be improved. There are tools for that. There is a plan for that. If you feel it's an issue of our emotions or personality, those, too, can be worked on and grown and developed into something that is more authentically you. You are not simply a vehicle for suffering, you are a human being, and what's most important is to try to alleviate enough of the suffering that you can begin to see who that human being is, exactly.
I get the impression that you're at a point where the suffering feels neverending, and that sounds truly difficult. I mean, it sucks. It sucks horribly. It is not neverending, though, as nothing is; everything is impermanent, and we have many tools to begin to shape the direction our lives will go in the next week, month, year or beyond. I encourage you to think critically about what you can do work yourself out of the predicaments you feel you're trapped in, break them down into the smallest steps possible and then see if, through will and even the help of others, you can take a small step or maybe even two. The feeling of progress itself can bring relief.
If you are thinking of taking your own life I strongly urge you to either call a suicide hotline 1 (800) 273-8255, seek medical attention or both. There is help out there, there is a way out, and there are people who can help you find it.
I think it's a mix of climbing upwards and accepting that you may never be fully out. That acceptance, though, can be a sort of out in itself. For if we were totally accepting of our feelings and our circumstances ... would there be any problem? Is suffering not the resistance to pain?
Hopefully greater acceptance and treatment can put you in such a place that you're holding on at least by your fingers instead of your fingertips, Ponn.
What do you mean that you'll use those words against yourself?
For what it's worth, what helped my writing the most was being forced, in school, to write a series of long research papers, going through several drafts for each one. Perhaps taking on a longer writing project than what is traditionally used for the blog format will allow for a greater sense of progress and growth in your writing and style? It's also helpful if you can ask others to read and make comments.
I find it interesting that it seems like there's no winning partly because you've already concluded some future events will be failures.
Certainly both growing your writing skills and yourself are possible. It's just a matter of figuring out how.
I'm so glad to hear that! I hope it goes well
Hey MisterLuffy, it's the first day over here, too, and I'm stressing and anxious and worried I'm going to fail and one of my teachers today was hostile when I went to talk to her about my anxiety. What's worth remembering, though, is that it's just the first day, just the first week. School gets substantially less stressful once your classes aren't an unknown and you can get into a sort of rhythm with the whole thing. I hope you can give it at least three weeks before making any conclusions.
Much appreciated, Forgive Me
<3
That sounds like a fantastic resource, redlegs. I hope it goes well, and keep us posted if you're comfortable!
Well, certainly, I don't know the situation with your mother so I didn't mean to claim that you "SHOULD" do it that way. That sort of attitude and patience would probably be helpful with a whole slew of people, though, when you're trying to let them in on what's going on.
Regardless, I hope things are going well as you continue looking forward to your upcoming medical appointments!
I was diagnosed, bipolar, yes, and at the time I thought it made a lot of sense but it didn't stick. I came to understand that my mood instability is instead caused by severe anxiety, and subsequently was taken off of the bipolar meds I was on.
So while bipolar is a reality for many, many people, I'd caution not to see any sort of mood up and down as bipolar; it usually is defined by the recognizable manic or hypomanic states. There are some newer diagnoses out there ("bipolar III" which I've heard doctors throw around and cyclothymia) that don't have to be as pronounced which may be a possibility in other situations.
My point, I guess, is that there are often a few different directions from which to look at what's going on, and there might even be several at a time that really seem to make sense. Eventually you can figure out which ones hold up.
I haven't taken either of those medications, no, though Lithium was considered for a period.
First of all, your garden looks great.
Second of all, does it help you process your feelings or think about your loneliness even a bit while you're actively gardening?
Do you have any sense of what didn't work with those therapists? How about with those medications?
You mentioned not wanting to talk about these things in person, DKQ, because they're so sensitive and uncomfortable. Do you think there's any way you could work through that discomfort and try to talk it out face to face? Perhaps write out everything you're going to say ahead of time? That helps me a lot sometimes.
It still seems to me that it could be helpful to level with one another about what's going on instead of just wondering and worrying.
Are there any local LGBTIQ communities you can reach out to to ask what resources they recommend? For instance, I know of a situation locally where a member of my father's church (which has a big LGBT community) was able to get connected to some resources by speaking with another member of the church who had been through similar circumstances.
There's no one reason that people go on unless you categorize it as generally as "they find it sufficiently fulfilling" and even then there are many that fall outside of that broad definition. Ultimately we all have to find our own purpose, meaning and fulfillment, and it is almost never something that is handed to us by someone else; rather we must build it ourselves, for ourselves. The one thing I do believe is that we can all build it, if only we can figure out how. Of course, the figuring out can be difficult in itself. Perhaps that's what you're having trouble with?
I know I'm just some internet yokel so what I say doesn't necessarily have any value, but I sincerely do not believe it is too late for you to start that search, to start building. Sometimes the search itself can be meaningful. Have you considered getting any mental health treatment?
First of all, I admire your strength in moving across the country to a place where you know only a few people. It's a transition that is extremely tough, one that I'm not confident I'll be able to do any time soon.
Is there any option for mental health treatment locally?
I'm sorry things are so tough, neojubei.
You're right that going to the gym won't instantly solve your problems. It will, however, alleviate anxiety (scientifically proven to!), improve your self image, and improve your mental and physical health generally. I must say I don't quite understand what you mean that you're certain that the guys you like won't go out with you and I even less understand that you feel that they never will, NO MATTER WHAT. If it's an issue of how you feel about your physical appearance, that can be improved. There are tools for that. There is a plan for that. If you feel it's an issue of our emotions or personality, those, too, can be worked on and grown and developed into something that is more authentically you. You are not simply a vehicle for suffering, you are a human being, and what's most important is to try to alleviate enough of the suffering that you can begin to see who that human being is, exactly.
I get the impression that you're at a point where the suffering feels neverending, and that sounds truly difficult. I mean, it sucks. It sucks horribly. It is not neverending, though, as nothing is; everything is impermanent, and we have many tools to begin to shape the direction our lives will go in the next week, month, year or beyond. I encourage you to think critically about what you can do work yourself out of the predicaments you feel you're trapped in, break them down into the smallest steps possible and then see if, through will and even the help of others, you can take a small step or maybe even two. The feeling of progress itself can bring relief.
If you are thinking of taking your own life I strongly urge you to either call a suicide hotline 1 (800) 273-8255, seek medical attention or both. There is help out there, there is a way out, and there are people who can help you find it.
I think it's a mix of climbing upwards and accepting that you may never be fully out. That acceptance, though, can be a sort of out in itself. For if we were totally accepting of our feelings and our circumstances ... would there be any problem? Is suffering not the resistance to pain?
Hopefully greater acceptance and treatment can put you in such a place that you're holding on at least by your fingers instead of your fingertips, Ponn.
What do you mean that you'll use those words against yourself?
For what it's worth, what helped my writing the most was being forced, in school, to write a series of long research papers, going through several drafts for each one. Perhaps taking on a longer writing project than what is traditionally used for the blog format will allow for a greater sense of progress and growth in your writing and style? It's also helpful if you can ask others to read and make comments.
I find it interesting that it seems like there's no winning partly because you've already concluded some future events will be failures.
Certainly both growing your writing skills and yourself are possible. It's just a matter of figuring out how.
I'm so glad to hear that! I hope it goes well
Hey MisterLuffy, it's the first day over here, too, and I'm stressing and anxious and worried I'm going to fail and one of my teachers today was hostile when I went to talk to her about my anxiety. What's worth remembering, though, is that it's just the first day, just the first week. School gets substantially less stressful once your classes aren't an unknown and you can get into a sort of rhythm with the whole thing. I hope you can give it at least three weeks before making any conclusions.
Much appreciated, Forgive Me
<3
I think my garden is a way for me to have company, as well as to see if it can help with my social skills. I would also like to think that it has helped with copping with my loneliness. I'm unsure about my feelings, because as of late, I have been putting on a face in front of my family to pretend that I'm mentally sound & cheery. But, deep down, I'm unhappy. I have exhausted all of my options to go and make new friends, but no one is bothered to get to know me. I wish that there are people out there that not only care about me (who are not family members), but are more than happy to invite me to social gatherings or to call me if they want to do something with me, as it's always been me that has done that. Otherwise, no one will phone me and I feel like I have been forgotten.
So, my garden is a way to make friends that I feel not only care about me, but will not leave me in the dust.
I think we've discussed this a bit before. I guess I kind of repeated myself. I couldn't make myself comply with the CBT the therapists were trying. The meds lessen the extremes of the anxiety, but they don't eliminate it.
The first entry I've been writing for the blog is actually quite a bit longer than I intended. It's currently about 3300 words plus some quotes, and I'm in the editing stages now so it'll probably remain approximately that length. That's not super long but I think it's pretty long for a blog entry. I don't plan on that being the norm though. I do have some online friends looking over it and offering suggestions, so that's good.
Yeah, that's just kind of how I am. I know perfectly well the thoughts are irrational, but they come just the same.
Thanks for responding.
Wag
Member
I was taking Seroquel for close to a decade for anxiety and I'm off of it now. I feel much better. I had some increased anxiety coming off it, but I needed to stop since I some of the meds I took contributed to weight gain. After changing some meds and lifestyle I was able to lose 85lbs and get diabetes under control.
Unfortunately now I am clenching my teeth at night again so I have to deal with that. Trade off I guess. 😖
Unfortunately now I am clenching my teeth at night again so I have to deal with that. Trade off I guess. 😖
MisterLuffy
Member
Piano said:
I wish you the best in this fall semester, Piano. That teacher of yours shouldn't be hostile towards you, it's one of those reasons why I never go to office hours when my prob and stats teacher, I took two years ago and failed miserably, wasn't helping me at all when I asked questions. It's the fear of unknown. Not only does it come into play in first day of college, but when experiencing something new like working at a new job like the retail store I'm working right now.
Team Alucard
Banned
Does your university have free tutoring services? If not, there are a lot of a free online resources to help you if you're struggling.
Sometimes you just get dealt a bad hand and are stuck with a lousy professor, but it's still very possible to succeed in spite of that.
I'm very fortunate in that I have always excelled academically without much effort. My main issue is simply struggling to stay positive about the future. I have very little faith in ever finding a real job after graduation, not necessarily because of my own abilities or lacktherof, but because of economic conditions that are completely out of my control. It just seems hopeless which makes it difficult for me to stay motivated.
Money and the security it provides is one of the few things that brings me any joy in life, so the thought of ending up unemployed, impoverished, and potentially homeless is especially crushing, because I really have nothing to live for otherwise.
Sometimes you just get dealt a bad hand and are stuck with a lousy professor, but it's still very possible to succeed in spite of that.
I'm very fortunate in that I have always excelled academically without much effort. My main issue is simply struggling to stay positive about the future. I have very little faith in ever finding a real job after graduation, not necessarily because of my own abilities or lacktherof, but because of economic conditions that are completely out of my control. It just seems hopeless which makes it difficult for me to stay motivated.
Money and the security it provides is one of the few things that brings me any joy in life, so the thought of ending up unemployed, impoverished, and potentially homeless is especially crushing, because I really have nothing to live for otherwise.
Hellwarden
Member
Shit, I'm doing it again.
As a psychology student, I feel like I should be more prepared for these problems than most, but shit still sucks.
I always been a bit of a loner. Early in life it didn't bother me too much, but as I've aged I've realized I like the company of others more than I think my younger self was willing to admit.
But I'm the type of person who hates taking risks. And in order to have a social life, on some level, you have to be willing to take risks. Whether it be going to try and talk to that pretty girl, or asking your roommates if they wanna watch a movie, you gotta take the risk that both of them are going to reject you. And people don't realize it, but the emotional pain of those rejections hurt just as much as real physical pain.
But I can't bare taking risks. I can't. I clam up, back down, and hope someone else takes a risk on me.
And that's a selfish shitty thing to do, hope someone else will take a risk on you, because you won't take a risk on anyone.
As a psychology student, I feel like I should be more prepared for these problems than most, but shit still sucks.
I always been a bit of a loner. Early in life it didn't bother me too much, but as I've aged I've realized I like the company of others more than I think my younger self was willing to admit.
But I'm the type of person who hates taking risks. And in order to have a social life, on some level, you have to be willing to take risks. Whether it be going to try and talk to that pretty girl, or asking your roommates if they wanna watch a movie, you gotta take the risk that both of them are going to reject you. And people don't realize it, but the emotional pain of those rejections hurt just as much as real physical pain.
But I can't bare taking risks. I can't. I clam up, back down, and hope someone else takes a risk on me.
And that's a selfish shitty thing to do, hope someone else will take a risk on you, because you won't take a risk on anyone.
DiddysKongQuest
Member
I gathered all my courage and talked to her in person yesterday. She broke up with me. We talked for 3 hours and she basically said that she currently can't take it anymore, that it's probably too late to patch things up and that she is so sorry.
I have the feeling that there's more to it than she wants to admit. She struggled a lot with her own depression and self hatred when we got together and recently was really frustrated because she thinks that her life would stagnate due to her full time job.
I told her this morning that I won't text her for the next couple of days if I'm allowed to do something with her this weekend. She agreed to it, but I have the feeling that she will probably cancel it yet again.
Judging from a couple of pages from this thread, everyone else's problems seem so much greater than mine, which is why I feel a little bit bad in writing my post. But essentially, i'm gay, or at least very high on the kinsey scale. I've never really found a right time to come out, as half of my friend groups seem really homophobic. The other day I made a comment about gay people not being able to donate blood, and one of my friends said in a very serious tone "Yeah it's because all gay people have aids" and another went on about how inappropriate gay pride events are, and how straight people get as much hate as gay people, and therefore gay prides have no reason to exist. This is just my experience over the past few days, but there have been many other times of homophobic remarks. There is no one in my entire grade of over 100 that identify as homsexual; and because of this I just feel very alone and as if there is no one I can talk to or relate to. It’s my final year of highschool, and i’m wondering if I should just completely distance myself from this friend group by going to a University outside of my city or just suck it up, and attend the University in my home town, and continue to be friends with the people I am friends with at the moment. The thing is I go to a catholic high school of 800 people and was curious if perhaps Univerity (of which over 20,000 people attend) would be slightly more opening and accommodating of me. It’s one of the most frustrating things keeping aspects of your identity hidden, in fear that you will lose all the friends you’ve made during the past 10 years of your life. It has resulted in me losing a lot of self confidence, and just this overwhelming feeling of being different and alone.
I would say you need to find a school where you truly believe you can thrive at, and if you feel that the community of your local university will only cause issues, then it's time to consider something else.
Rudimental
Member
In my personal experience as a straight person who went to an Anglican boys school, university is far more accommodating of difference than school. I went to a small, traditionally liberal university, though.
So, you should probably look into the details of universities. I'm not sure what it is like where you live, but here in South Africa, universities generally have student-run societies. These are clubs you can join that are based around different cultures, ethnic and religious groups, as well as things like sexuality, gender, and so forth. These clubs run events to talk about related issues, allow students to meet other people like themselves, or indeed people who are different from them, and so forth. Going to a university where you can join a similar group for LGBTI people/rights sounds like it would really be good for you, in gaining self-confidence, meeting other people like you, and making friends who accept you as you are. Universities should also offer counselling services, sometimes specifically geared to helping LGBTI people. This is another reason to check up on different universities.
Yeah, I didn't take it that way, don't worry. I really appreciate the advice for general use.
And thanks! My appointment with my primary care doctor is coming up in just a few days... So excited for it.
Best of luck with school, by the way. School is by far the most stressful thing I've ever done, so I know how you feel. I'm sure you'll adapt to the busy semester and successfully get through it though.
Yesterday I spoke with the colleague I had the awkward conversation with last week. She told me she vaguely remembers seeing me on Friday; she had a very bad headache that day and was not feeling well. I managed to bring up the fact that I was looking for cycling clothes as I was thinking of starting to cycle to work. She said that she has also cycled to work on occasion and we had a nice conversation about the best routes to take. Other people got involved as well. So it looks as though I really was worrying over nothing.
My efforts to engage in new hobbies are starting to pay off. Somebody at work had heard from another colleague that I was into climbing and we had a conversation about climbing, how long we had been into it e.t.c. So that's pretty cool, I have more things to talk about.
I went out this evening to meet some people I hadn't seen in a few weeks, there were quite a few people there who I hadn't met before. I really need to get better at projecting energy. I find that I am much more fluid in the conversations I get into now, but I start to get a 'tired' feeling when I'm talking to them. When I look in the mirror it makes it appear as though I'm upset. This evening I experimented a bit with projecting more energy/personality into conversations, it really makes a difference in how people perceive you and respond to you. I need to do this more but I fear coming across as 'fake'. Is it really possible to fake it until you make it?
I really like typing up my thoughts like this. Even if nobody reads this it helps me to make clarity of things.
My efforts to engage in new hobbies are starting to pay off. Somebody at work had heard from another colleague that I was into climbing and we had a conversation about climbing, how long we had been into it e.t.c. So that's pretty cool, I have more things to talk about.
I went out this evening to meet some people I hadn't seen in a few weeks, there were quite a few people there who I hadn't met before. I really need to get better at projecting energy. I find that I am much more fluid in the conversations I get into now, but I start to get a 'tired' feeling when I'm talking to them. When I look in the mirror it makes it appear as though I'm upset. This evening I experimented a bit with projecting more energy/personality into conversations, it really makes a difference in how people perceive you and respond to you. I need to do this more but I fear coming across as 'fake'. Is it really possible to fake it until you make it?
I really like typing up my thoughts like this. Even if nobody reads this it helps me to make clarity of things.
Nothing has ever helped with my teeth grinding. I've done it pretty much since my teens and have grinded the cap off my front tooth off before and got bad TMJ. My neurologist has told me to see a dentist about getting a mouth/teeth guard, that may be something worth checking into.
The problem, for me at least, is i've spent so long dealing with my issues on my own that I found myself accepting my lot but in order to deal with it I chose to become numb to everything. It worked for awhile but the last couple years i've started to question it. you just get to a point where you are apathetic towards everything, news doesn't affect you and everything becomes pointless. I still rationalize things though which can be dangerous in itself when you are finding everything in your life pointless. It also alienates all your friends and families since they become pointless.
What I meant by using those usual encouraging words and statements is once you get to a state of apathy and cynicism you start questioning those words. Why didn't they work for me? Why does everyone use them? Is it just people going through the motions? If they are going through the motions do they really care about me or what happens? Hopefully that made sense, trying to put my thought chains into words probably just looks like crazy sauce.
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
It sucks to feel like you can't be fully honest with anyone about all your negative thoughts because of the possibility they'll stop talking to you or in the case of my counselor, try to send you to the loony bin.
DiddysKongQuest
Member
So my girlfriend removed her relationship status, most photos from us and pretty much everything else from facebook. This was of course expected, but it still hurts like hell.
Yesterday I opened up to family and friends about my depression and the current relationship stuff. I felt a lot better and got a lot of understanding back. I'm also really lucky that I have two best female friends who support me a lot and still have more hope in saving the relationship than I have. One of them is really close to her and will talk with her today, so maybe I get a little bit more clarity on everything.
I'm sick and tired of everything. One the one hand she wants me to get a job, but on the other hand she leaves me when I was on my way to get better. How am I supposed to focus on job hunting now?
Yesterday I opened up to family and friends about my depression and the current relationship stuff. I felt a lot better and got a lot of understanding back. I'm also really lucky that I have two best female friends who support me a lot and still have more hope in saving the relationship than I have. One of them is really close to her and will talk with her today, so maybe I get a little bit more clarity on everything.
I'm sick and tired of everything. One the one hand she wants me to get a job, but on the other hand she leaves me when I was on my way to get better. How am I supposed to focus on job hunting now?
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
Woke up to another job rejection. I've been looking for a year, as I said earlier. I'm down to 8 months, I think, before my lease ends and I'll have to move back with my parents. My personal life's not much better -- girl I was seeing said "thanks, but no thanks."
Strangely, I'm not upset about these things. I'm trying to compartmentalize things and identify which areas of my life are good (I'm getting better at my personal training sessions; I'm super happy for my friend who, after bravely coming out, is finally in his first healthy relationship, and he credited my advice for assisting) and which aren't.
Anyway, I'll be here to help: I have the next 3 days off due to mandatory use/lose vacation days at my part-time job.
In a few words: she wants you to demonstrate that you're capable of changing your life. This is, in fact, something you need to do with or without her. You can and will continue getting better. And, to be honest with you (and can I just say that I always thought it was Diddy Kong's Quest?), there are two things at play: (1) it's not her job to be your therapist; and (2) if she doesn't positively react to you making positive strides in your life, she's not a great fit for you anyway.
I have a Master's in econometrics. I'm sure others, who are far more qualified (this is NeoGAF, after all) are happy to help too. Feel free to ask prob/stats questions here. But I encourage you to meet with your professors anyway, because putting in "face time" is often the difference between a C and a B-. "Class participation" and that other discretionary bullshit only counts in your favor if the prof knows you and understands you're trying.
Strangely, I'm not upset about these things. I'm trying to compartmentalize things and identify which areas of my life are good (I'm getting better at my personal training sessions; I'm super happy for my friend who, after bravely coming out, is finally in his first healthy relationship, and he credited my advice for assisting) and which aren't.
Anyway, I'll be here to help: I have the next 3 days off due to mandatory use/lose vacation days at my part-time job.
In a few words: she wants you to demonstrate that you're capable of changing your life. This is, in fact, something you need to do with or without her. You can and will continue getting better. And, to be honest with you (and can I just say that I always thought it was Diddy Kong's Quest?), there are two things at play: (1) it's not her job to be your therapist; and (2) if she doesn't positively react to you making positive strides in your life, she's not a great fit for you anyway.
I have a Master's in econometrics. I'm sure others, who are far more qualified (this is NeoGAF, after all) are happy to help too. Feel free to ask prob/stats questions here. But I encourage you to meet with your professors anyway, because putting in "face time" is often the difference between a C and a B-. "Class participation" and that other discretionary bullshit only counts in your favor if the prof knows you and understands you're trying.
TheSchwab_7
Member
I haven't been myself at all lately. Monday morning I used a razor and started cutting my arm. Tuesday I kept scratching myself and have a big scab on my hand. I am so depressed I can't even play video games or anything else I like without asking myself what's the point and stopping. I don't care about anything anymore. I saw my doctor and therapist and they are putting me on anti depressants. I am constantly thinking about how I can harm myself. There's a giant weight on me and I can't move. I don't do my laundry or dishes. I don't eat.
I didn't go to work all week. I am tomorrow. I have to cover my scars and lie to everyone saying I missed because of a family emergency. If my work finds out about my self harming I could get into trouble. The sad thing is I hate my job and would feel so much better if I could just stop worrying about work and work on myself. I feel like tomorrow I will snap at my desk and hurt myself. I have to live with this lie at work for the rest of the year. I don't think I can do that. My therapist says people still have a stigma with depression. I just feel so drained and don't care about my job or anything right now. And I have to lie about it.
I didn't go to work all week. I am tomorrow. I have to cover my scars and lie to everyone saying I missed because of a family emergency. If my work finds out about my self harming I could get into trouble. The sad thing is I hate my job and would feel so much better if I could just stop worrying about work and work on myself. I feel like tomorrow I will snap at my desk and hurt myself. I have to live with this lie at work for the rest of the year. I don't think I can do that. My therapist says people still have a stigma with depression. I just feel so drained and don't care about my job or anything right now. And I have to lie about it.
DiddysKongQuest
Member
Always love when people realize the name thing.
Well, today she kind of confirmed that she doesn't want me anymore anyway. My best female friend told me today that she had a date with a stranger at a cinema 2 weeks ago. They also held hands during the movie. We also talked on the phone tonight and she treated me like a big piece of shit (she was really aggressive, wasn't interested in what I was saying and told me 10 times that I should accept that she broke up with me).
I still convinced her to see me on friday. I can't take all this suffering and uncertainness anymore. I want one last talk.
Kind of getting nervous about my insurance/psychologist situation.
I'm leaving my job on the 31st and I've been looking at the plans on the healthcare.gov marketplace, and they're all HMOs. I saw my therapist today and he said that he isn't covered any HMOs, and apparently that's normal. Reading up on HMOs it looks like I would have to get a referral to see a specialist. Does that mean if I get a referral from a doctor to continue seeing my current therapist and psychiatrist that my HMO would then cover those 'specialists'? How does this shit work?
I'm leaving my job on the 31st and I've been looking at the plans on the healthcare.gov marketplace, and they're all HMOs. I saw my therapist today and he said that he isn't covered any HMOs, and apparently that's normal. Reading up on HMOs it looks like I would have to get a referral to see a specialist. Does that mean if I get a referral from a doctor to continue seeing my current therapist and psychiatrist that my HMO would then cover those 'specialists'? How does this shit work?
Completely trashed my place right now. Still angry I could not kill myself on Monday. Had it planned I was going to just jump in front of a train and I chickened out. I could not even talk for the rest of Monday. Now today going home on the train there was a gay couple all over each other. It's like god just spitting in my face. I wanted to punch through a wall. All j could think about how I was rejected in high school and college by guys. Why do have to be so fing ugly always rejected. I just came home, sat down and finally smashed my place into bits books and glass and crap everywhere. I don't get why I have to exist in this world just to be a loser and be tortured. Makes me want to try and kill myself again on Friday. Maybe that's what I should focus all this pain and suffering on. So I can finally do it and end it. If there is a God may he kill me in my sleep.
Team Alucard
Banned
Are Priests sworn to secrecy no matter what you tell them? I feel the need to clear the air apologize for many things before I check out.
Astral Dog
Member
God no, dont do that, dont waste your life like that, get new friends, go to University, get outside town and professional help for your confidence its neccessary.
Trust me, there is no point in hiding that,go out there and change your life for the better or you may regret it later
edit: just think of your future
bane of existence, if it makes you feel any better i never had the luxury of being rejected.
i wish i knew how to help you but dealing with similar issues :/ so just dont do it, there must be something you can do to make your situation better, or a goal that you want to achieve.dont throw yourself to a train that would be a waste.
Interesting seeing this thread pop up while I'm browsing.
I don't really get like this. Lately, I've been having a feeling of just monotony in everyday life, and it's starting to make me have a sense of, basically, worthlessness.
I have been trying to pin-point this feeling, and I've come up with the fact that I'm constantly struggling to get money, and the fact that school has started again, but I feel like this has been going on for much longer than I think it has.
I'm seriously stuck in life without relationships, and with relationships comes drama (a life without drama is a boring life.). I have literally no friends where I currently am, and I'm sure some will say "Go to clubs at school" or "Be more social", well, I have no time for some clubs at my school, and the second is a bit more interesting.
I'm not not bad at socializing at all. In fact, I sometimes love taking to new people, but the main problem is finding people who actually find me interesting. I speak to people in my classes everyday, but I don't think they even care about speaking with me outside of class.
To be quite honest. I sometimes find myself being wanted by others, just to have the attention of others, as if I matter.
I'm using this as a sort of outlet since confusing with anyone I "know" seems odd. I'm not sure if I'm depressed or what.
Anyone have any recommendations? I just feel dead inside - lacking enthusiasm at the end of each day, and its starting to eat into the start of my day.
😓
I don't really get like this. Lately, I've been having a feeling of just monotony in everyday life, and it's starting to make me have a sense of, basically, worthlessness.
I have been trying to pin-point this feeling, and I've come up with the fact that I'm constantly struggling to get money, and the fact that school has started again, but I feel like this has been going on for much longer than I think it has.
I'm seriously stuck in life without relationships, and with relationships comes drama (a life without drama is a boring life.). I have literally no friends where I currently am, and I'm sure some will say "Go to clubs at school" or "Be more social", well, I have no time for some clubs at my school, and the second is a bit more interesting.
I'm not not bad at socializing at all. In fact, I sometimes love taking to new people, but the main problem is finding people who actually find me interesting. I speak to people in my classes everyday, but I don't think they even care about speaking with me outside of class.
To be quite honest. I sometimes find myself being wanted by others, just to have the attention of others, as if I matter.
I'm using this as a sort of outlet since confusing with anyone I "know" seems odd. I'm not sure if I'm depressed or what.
Anyone have any recommendations? I just feel dead inside - lacking enthusiasm at the end of each day, and its starting to eat into the start of my day.
😓
pixelation
Member
I can't socialize... whenever i try i feel fake and miserable. I am trying to be more social in my new job, but i end up isolating myself from the pack because i just don't enjoy company.
University will definitely have more variety, and more chances of being accepted. I would probably lean towards the one away from your town, to see different people, but try to double check their website and social media to see what kind of LGBT clubs/presence they have.
Man, I am beyond sick of having to be fucking perfect about everything. I try to say all the right things and every day, every single day, I'm still screwing up. Mom keeps fucking yelling at me, the few times I talk to my only friend online I upset her in some way. I just stopped talking to the friend and I just give up. I know that's terrible, but they've been so difficult all year. I tried all year to be understanding, to be there for them, give them attention. Then, when I ask for a little, just a little of the same thing, that's too much. Then they keep doing shit that crosses the line for me, because it hurts me too much. So I try to explain this to them, and they go "Okay, I get it now, I won't do that again" ... and they fucking do it again. After the last time they did that (late July) I've never been able to truly trust them, plus I keep offending them over small things. So fine, I fucking give up. Ugh.
My only hope now is that at uni this fall I'll have two new dorm mates. Maybe I can socialize with them and make friends. One is an exchange student, and I'm not sure how good their English is though. Probably a pipe dream.
I've been trying to work on a silly story and I actually stared writing it. Goal is just a 1000 words a day, but I have such a hard time just sitting down and writing my own shit, that every bit is good, yeah? I just feel too terrible today. I unfortunately ended a scene last night at a spot where I'm not 100% sure what to do next, and after today... I dunno. Disappoints me, is all. Had three days in a row of writing, and I've been trying to do this since last Thursday, so I only skipped a handful of days. Bleh.
I'm a terrible writer and, if by some miracle I finish the thing and have a final draft, no one will publish it. Cause it's crap and probably "too gay", yay.
MisterLuffy
Member
Advocatus Diaboli said:
Here as in this thread or the math thread? I'm going to try and get a tutor as soon as possible for prob and stat. Hopefully, they're available this semester. I'm looking through problems, and I'm having trouble answering them without using answers to understand how to do the problem. Unfortunately, I lack in problem solving department.
Gonna agree with Advocatus Diaboli's comment about meeting with you prof. Learned this with Calculas last semester. If you're seeing the prof at a semi-regular basis, asking for help or at least saying "Hey, I've been struggling, and yes I saw the tutors..." they will usually understand what you're going through. Depending on the prof/department/requirements, they can be more lenient towards you, maybe let you retake a test (especially if you're typically bad with tests and the homework shows you're making an effort) or get an extension. It won't work with every prof, no, but you just have to visit with them and see. The key is that you study, you really try, you ask for help... if you still have problems after that, the professor should give you some extra advice.
And if you think you have a certain weakness, definitely mention that right away with the tutor. Hopefully they have some advice specifically tailored to that.
aGuyInaBearSuit
Member
I haven't been diagnosed but I'm positive I have panic disorder. Going to see a doctor about it soon.
I just had the most vicious panic attack I've ever had. I absolutely thought I was going to die. Woke up my parents and everything. I feel so terrible for doing that to them in the dead of night.
I just had the most vicious panic attack I've ever had. I absolutely thought I was going to die. Woke up my parents and everything. I feel so terrible for doing that to them in the dead of night.
Remember that doctor's appointment that I scheduled 3 weeks ago and have been massively looking forward to because of how desperately I need anxiety meds?
So that was scheduled for tomorrow.
I just got a call from the doctor's office saying the doctor won't be in tomorrow so my appointment won't be til next Friday now.
What the fuck.
So that was scheduled for tomorrow.
I just got a call from the doctor's office saying the doctor won't be in tomorrow so my appointment won't be til next Friday now.
What the fuck.
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