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[smokeandmirrors]

I give up. No one is calling me back about jobs i applied to. I have no money. I feel like an absolute failure of a human being.

 

[DiddysKongQuest]

This was one of the slowest moving days of all time. All I can think of is how I'm going to meet her tomorrow. It is making me sick. I hate how I look at her social network profiles so often and think that I have no chance to ever be her boyfriend again. Nothing is able to distract me. Not friends, not games, not movies, not family. I wrote a long letter about her positive features, the moments we've shared together and a general apology about my behavior. I had pretty much nothing to eat yesterday and today.

Just fuck everything.

 

[Piano]

I think my garden is a way for me to have company, as well as to see if it can help with my social skills. I would also like to think that it has helped with copping with my loneliness. I'm unsure about my feelings, because as of late, I have been putting on a face in front of my family to pretend that I'm mentally sound & cheery. But, deep down, I'm unhappy. I have exhausted all of my options to go and make new friends, but no one is bothered to get to know me. I wish that there are people out there that not only care about me (who are not family members), but are more than happy to invite me to social gatherings or to call me if they want to do something with me, as it's always been me that has done that. Otherwise, no one will phone me and I feel like I have been forgotten.

So, my garden is a way to make friends that I feel not only care about me, but will not leave me in the dust.

You'd be surprised just how many people (a majority, I think) are sitting around in various states of loneliness (even if they don't know it!) wanting for more social attention. Social lives take effort and while that balance will never be quite fair we're all quite sensitive to when it's not in our favor - myself included. I've spent large portions of my life very bitter and isolated because noone seemed to be buying into any of my friendly advances or making any of their own.

I've come to two realizations on the matter, though:

First, it's a bit of a snowball effect. It takes a while for social effort and socialization to pay off such that others feel comfortable reaching out to you. Or at least, it's been that way for me. I didn't think I'd made much progress at my school until classes started this week and I realized I'm not totally anonymous like I was a year ago. I haven't made any real friends in my program still, but a year of serious effort (making sure I talked to others, and mostly asking them questions since I'm not comfortable talking about myself all the time, being very patient and kind, and being okay with not having it always pay off) has made me no longer anonymous. Like, a few of my classmates from last year who I have classes with again will say hello to me and asked me about my summer and the such. It's progress!

Second, vulnerability is the first thing we want others to offer but the last thing we're willing to do so ourselves. Vulnerability, I believe, is what brings people closer together; it allows you to get to know someones "true" self. It doesn't always work - you won't relate to everyone - but it's definitely important. To that end, why do you feel the need to put on a facade around your family?

Also, I wonder if you can relate to Hellwarden's post (quoted below) at all?

I think we've discussed this a bit before. I guess I kind of repeated myself. I couldn't make myself comply with the CBT the therapists were trying. The meds lessen the extremes of the anxiety, but they don't eliminate it.

Ah yes, we definitely have and I'm sorry that it slipped my mind. One wonders whether a different sort of therapy would be more effective - either DBT where the focus is more on your perception of things or even slightly analytic therapy to figure out why you were unable to comply with the CBT on offer. Just a though.

The first entry I've been writing for the blog is actually quite a bit longer than I intended. It's currently about 3300 words plus some quotes, and I'm in the editing stages now so it'll probably remain approximately that length. That's not super long but I think it's pretty long for a blog entry. I don't plan on that being the norm though. I do have some online friends looking over it and offering suggestions, so that's good.

That is pretty long for a blog entry, especially if we count things like Tumblr and Buzzfeed as blogs these days
Certainly if you've ever got something you're willing to share, I'd love to read it!

Yeah, that's just kind of how I am. I know perfectly well the thoughts are irrational, but they come just the same.
Thanks for responding.

Of course. Thoughts aren't something we can just control at will. It takes a lot of conditioning and "exercise" if you will to begin to steer them in different directions.

Hope this week is shaping up okay, Steamlord.

I was taking Seroquel for close to a decade for anxiety and I'm off of it now. I feel much better. I had some increased anxiety coming off it, but I needed to stop since I some of the meds I took contributed to weight gain. After changing some meds and lifestyle I was able to lose 85lbs and get diabetes under control.

Unfortunately now I am clenching my teeth at night again so I have to deal with that. Trade off I guess. 😖

I'm glad things are looking up, Wag! Are you clenching your teeth at night or grinding?
Definitely look into getting a night guard if you're grinding...it's important!

Shit, I'm doing it again.

As a psychology student, I feel like I should be more prepared for these problems than most, but shit still sucks.

I always been a bit of a loner. Early in life it didn't bother me too much, but as I've aged I've realized I like the company of others more than I think my younger self was willing to admit.

But I'm the type of person who hates taking risks. And in order to have a social life, on some level, you have to be willing to take risks. Whether it be going to try and talk to that pretty girl, or asking your roommates if they wanna watch a movie, you gotta take the risk that both of them are going to reject you. And people don't realize it, but the emotional pain of those rejections hurt just as much as real physical pain.

But I can't bare taking risks. I can't. I clam up, back down, and hope someone else takes a risk on me.

And that's a selfish shitty thing to do, hope someone else will take a risk on you, because you won't take a risk on anyone.

Are you able to identify any of the factors in your unwillingness to take risks? Has your risk-averse nature changed at all throughout the last 5 or 10 years?

It sounds as though you're a tremendously sensitive person, which - would you believe - really does have its upsides.

Yesterday I spoke with the colleague I had the awkward conversation with last week. She told me she vaguely remembers seeing me on Friday; she had a very bad headache that day and was not feeling well. I managed to bring up the fact that I was looking for cycling clothes as I was thinking of starting to cycle to work. She said that she has also cycled to work on occasion and we had a nice conversation about the best routes to take. Other people got involved as well. So it looks as though I really was worrying over nothing.

My efforts to engage in new hobbies are starting to pay off. Somebody at work had heard from another colleague that I was into climbing and we had a conversation about climbing, how long we had been into it e.t.c. So that's pretty cool, I have more things to talk about.

I went out this evening to meet some people I hadn't seen in a few weeks, there were quite a few people there who I hadn't met before. I really need to get better at projecting energy. I find that I am much more fluid in the conversations I get into now, but I start to get a 'tired' feeling when I'm talking to them. When I look in the mirror it makes it appear as though I'm upset. This evening I experimented a bit with projecting more energy/personality into conversations, it really makes a difference in how people perceive you and respond to you. I need to do this more but I fear coming across as 'fake'. Is it really possible to fake it until you make it?

I really like typing up my thoughts like this. Even if nobody reads this it helps me to make clarity of things.

I'm glad those things are looking up, ceramic, and I can assure you that we're reading what you're posting, so post away
Re: faking it, I haven't found a way to "FAKE IT" full stop and not have it be exhausting and, well, fake, but sometimes I can push myself a bit or "reach" a bit with my attitude or personality and it sometimes sticks. Think of it as a matter of conditioning - if you're currently able to bench 100lbs and you want to be able to bench 300lbs, can you jump straight to 300lbs and have it work out? Probably not. The next step is probably 110lbs, and once you get there there will be another next step. And so on.

Nothing has ever helped with my teeth grinding. I've done it pretty much since my teens and have grinded the cap off my front tooth off before and got bad TMJ. My neurologist has told me to see a dentist about getting a mouth/teeth guard, that may be something worth checking into.

I really, really, really recommend you get a mouth guard. Wear on teeth from grinding is no joke, and mouth guards are extremely effective and pretty simple.

The problem, for me at least, is i've spent so long dealing with my issues on my own that I found myself accepting my lot but in order to deal with it I chose to become numb to everything. It worked for awhile but the last couple years i've started to question it. you just get to a point where you are apathetic towards everything, news doesn't affect you and everything becomes pointless. I still rationalize things though which can be dangerous in itself when you are finding everything in your life pointless. It also alienates all your friends and families since they become pointless.

What I meant by using those usual encouraging words and statements is once you get to a state of apathy and cynicism you start questioning those words. Why didn't they work for me? Why does everyone use them? Is it just people going through the motions? If they are going through the motions do they really care about me or what happens? Hopefully that made sense, trying to put my thought chains into words probably just looks like crazy sauce.

Perhaps everyone uses them because our language simply isn't precise enough, and our experiences not wide enough, to impart the results of our emotional experiences onto others. We only have this one mind, this one set of feelings, and nothing to compare it to, ever. Within it there is a seemingly infinite range of possibilities, yet we also know that each person has their own nearly infinite range of possibilities. Surely there is overlap - and that's what those statements are searching for, I guess - but how are we supposed to know where it is? Ultimately everyone's experience is their own guide, and perhaps some general pick-me-up words can be useful because they allow everyone to adapt their meaning to their own particular circumstance. Just musing.

Apathy, I think, is a sign of having become closed off to the world. Certainly there is much out there to feel fulfilled by, to give us meaning, to give us purpose or happiness or joy or what have you, we simply have to find what works best for us and we have to be open with it - we have to be willing to leverage our vulnerabilities in pursuit of those feelings. Have you become more emotionally closed off over the years? You mentioned group therapy in the past - are you still in group therapy?

It sucks to feel like you can't be fully honest with anyone about all your negative thoughts because of the possibility they'll stop talking to you or in the case of my counselor, try to send you to the loony bin.

The "loony bin" can be quite helpful though, can it not?
If you're having thoughts that you feel threaten yourself or others ... that's what inpatient hospitalization is designed to treat.
Is there anything we can do to help?

Woke up to another job rejection. I've been looking for a year, as I said earlier. I'm down to 8 months, I think, before my lease ends and I'll have to move back with my parents. My personal life's not much better -- girl I was seeing said "thanks, but no thanks."

Strangely, I'm not upset about these things. I'm trying to compartmentalize things and identify which areas of my life are good (I'm getting better at my personal training sessions; I'm super happy for my friend who, after bravely coming out, is finally in his first healthy relationship, and he credited my advice for assisting) and which aren't.

I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties, AD, but that's wonderful to hear that you've got such a balanced perspective about what's going on. Ultimately our perspective is what defines our experiences.

I know it goes without saying, but there are other jobs and other girls. I hope you have good luck in finding both.

I haven't been myself at all lately. Monday morning I used a razor and started cutting my arm. Tuesday I kept scratching myself and have a big scab on my hand. I am so depressed I can't even play video games or anything else I like without asking myself what's the point and stopping. I don't care about anything anymore. I saw my doctor and therapist and they are putting me on anti depressants. I am constantly thinking about how I can harm myself. There's a giant weight on me and I can't move. I don't do my laundry or dishes. I don't eat.

I didn't go to work all week. I am tomorrow. I have to cover my scars and lie to everyone saying I missed because of a family emergency. If my work finds out about my self harming I could get into trouble. The sad thing is I hate my job and would feel so much better if I could just stop worrying about work and work on myself. I feel like tomorrow I will snap at my desk and hurt myself. I have to live with this lie at work for the rest of the year. I don't think I can do that. My therapist says people still have a stigma with depression. I just feel so drained and don't care about my job or anything right now. And I have to lie about it.

TheSchwab,
If you're harming yourself you may need to seek more intensive treatment. Have you told your therapist about your self-harm?

Kind of getting nervous about my insurance/psychologist situation.

I'm leaving my job on the 31st and I've been looking at the plans on the healthcare.gov marketplace, and they're all HMOs. I saw my therapist today and he said that he isn't covered any HMOs, and apparently that's normal. Reading up on HMOs it looks like I would have to get a referral to see a specialist. Does that mean if I get a referral from a doctor to continue seeing my current therapist and psychiatrist that my HMO would then cover those 'specialists'? How does this shit work?

I've got no idea, but it sounds like good fodder for a thread in the OT, honestly. I'm sure there are people on here who could help you out.

I'll even "accidentally" bump your thread if noone responds

Completely trashed my place right now. Still angry I could not kill myself on Monday. Had it planned I was going to just jump in front of a train and I chickened out. I could not even talk for the rest of Monday. Now today going home on the train there was a gay couple all over each other. It's like god just spitting in my face. I wanted to punch through a wall. All j could think about how I was rejected in high school and college by guys. Why do have to be so fing ugly always rejected. I just came home, sat down and finally smashed my place into bits books and glass and crap everywhere. I don't get why I have to exist in this world just to be a loser and be tortured. Makes me want to try and kill myself again on Friday. Maybe that's what I should focus all this pain and suffering on. So I can finally do it and end it. If there is a God may he kill me in my sleep.

neojubei,
Please seek emergency treatment immediately. I firmly believe that there is relief out there for you but you'll have to take the steps to get it. You can either go to a local ER or call a hotline (1-800-273-8255). Or both. This suffering does not have to be permanent.
Did you read my previous response?

Are Priests sworn to secrecy no matter what you tell them? I feel the need to clear the air apologize for many things before I check out.

I don't think there's any legal regulation so I'd imagine it varies from parish to parish. If you're thinking of harming yourself, TA, I strongly urge you to either go to a local ER or call a hotline (1-800-273-8255). Or both. Really. Please.

Interesting seeing this thread pop up while I'm browsing.

I don't really get like this. Lately, I've been having a feeling of just monotony in everyday life, and it's starting to make me have a sense of, basically, worthlessness.

I have been trying to pin-point this feeling, and I've come up with the fact that I'm constantly struggling to get money, and the fact that school has started again, but I feel like this has been going on for much longer than I think it has.

I'm seriously stuck in life without relationships, and with relationships comes drama (a life without drama is a boring life.). I have literally no friends where I currently am, and I'm sure some will say "Go to clubs at school" or "Be more social", well, I have no time for some clubs at my school, and the second is a bit more interesting.

I'm not not bad at socializing at all. In fact, I sometimes love taking to new people, but the main problem is finding people who actually find me interesting. I speak to people in my classes everyday, but I don't think they even care about speaking with me outside of class.

To be quite honest. I sometimes find myself being wanted by others, just to have the attention of others, as if I matter.


I'm using this as a sort of outlet since confusing with anyone I "know" seems odd. I'm not sure if I'm depressed or what.

Anyone have any recommendations? I just feel dead inside - lacking enthusiasm at the end of each day, and its starting to eat into the start of my day.

😓

It may just be the sting of loneliness emptying you out, M52B28. We all need a social outlet and caring attention from others and a life without them can be tremendously difficult and - yes - monotonous.

You say you have no time for clubs but there are plenty of clubs that don't require a certain level of time commitment and are more flexible. For instance, I'm thinking of joining the rock climbing club at my school precisely because I don't have to commit to anything, I just show up whenever they're having a climb pay a few bucks and meet others from my school. Plus, who doesn't like rock climbing?!

Surely there must be an interest of yours that doesn't necessitate a huge club interest.

Perhaps others have other recommendations for friends, but, personally, I really did make all of my college friends through classes and organizations.

That being said, if you're outgoing enough I'm sure there are plenty of other opportunities. I'm just...not.

I can't socialize... whenever i try i feel fake and miserable. I am trying to be more social in my new job, but i end up isolating myself from the pack because i just don't enjoy company.

Do you think you don't enjoy company, PERIOD, or you're just not enjoying the type of company / socialization you've been having recently? The vast, vast, vast, vast majority of humans are social creatures, yet what we all need from that socialization and how much of it we want varies wildly.

Just wanted to say that Piano is amazing for posting and replying to every person here he or she can. It really does make a difference.

Thanks Mariolee
I'm trying my best to keep up even though the semester looks to be a busy one. I haven't even played a video game in almost two weeks.
(Future reference: I am, in fact, a he)

I haven't been diagnosed but I'm positive I have panic disorder. Going to see a doctor about it soon.

I just had the most vicious panic attack I've ever had. I absolutely thought I was going to die. Woke up my parents and everything. I feel so terrible for doing that to them in the dead of night.

Good on you for having the courage to wake up your parents. It's really difficult, even in the heat of something as extreme as panic, not to feel guilty for asking others for help. Even though you feel guilty I think it's a really good thing that you managed to do it.

Was the panic physiological in nature (racing heart, short breath, etc) or existential (hopelessness, emptiness) or something else entirely?

Remember that doctor's appointment that I scheduled 3 weeks ago and have been massively looking forward to because of how desperately I need anxiety meds?
So that was scheduled for tomorrow.
I just got a call from the doctor's office saying the doctor won't be in tomorrow so my appointment won't be til next Friday now.

What the fuck.

Damn Kipp, it sounds like the administrative side of your doctor's office is really dropping the ball. Obviously if the doctor's not there he's not there, but is there anyone you can talk to about the issues you've had with their communication?

I give up. No one is calling me back about jobs i applied to. I have no money. I feel like an absolute failure of a human being.

Have you tried reaching out to anyone else for feedback on your CV? Have you landed any interviews?

This was one of the slowest moving days of all time. All I can think of is how I'm going to meet her tomorrow. It is making me sick. I hate how I look at her social network profiles so often and think that I have no chance to ever be her boyfriend again. Nothing is able to distract me. Not friends, not games, not movies, not family. I wrote a long letter about her positive features, the moments we've shared together and a general apology about my behavior. I had pretty much nothing to eat yesterday and today.

Just fuck everything.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, DKQ, but it's probably best that you unlink yourself from her in as many ways as possible - social media, phone, etc - and not talk to her for as long as possible. This is not easy to do, it is not what anyone wants to do and it sucks horribly, but once you get through the hell of adjusting to not having the option of checking in on her or reaching out to her it will, well, simplify your life. It will just be you, with your feelings, with no option but to move through them, rather than leaving you always toying with the option of calling or texting or checking facebook or what have you. Not only will this help you sort out your feelings, it will preserve much better any possibility of you two getting back together in the future - which it is never good to count on, but is still a consideration, I'm sure.

I guided a good friend through a really, really tough breakup a year ago with similar advice and while she's not "over" it totally she's made a lot more progress once she's not always worrying about how to negotiate things with him post-breakup.

I also agree with what AD posted above.

I'm sorry things are so tough, DKQ. This is one of those circumstances where you really do have to take it one day, one hour at a time. The first week will be the hardest.

<3

 

[jb1234]

After over a month of dreading it, my best friend moved away yesterday. Even with so much time to prepare, it hit me very hard, the realization that I wouldn't be able to be in the same room with him anymore. It's hard to get into playful fistfights with someone you've known and loved for almost thirty years when they're living in Europe.

Fortunately, I was able to get a certain amount of time with him before that day, which included two days at his place (very hard days but I made it through) and a surprise party that another friend was hosting. The latter was also a chance to try and connect with some other people, since I'm going to need more social outlets. I also took part of that day to see a friend of mine who was recovering in the hospital from surgery. I hadn't seen him in a few years (we worked together for a while) and I know he (and his partner) greatly appreciated it.

But then I spent the next day confined to bed with crushing fatigue, crying and I very quickly remembered why I fucking hate my life so much. No matter what steps I take to try and better things, my body almost immediately makes me pay the price for it. It's impossible to move forward because every attempt takes me two steps backward. With my condition steadily worsening, I know it's all a stopgap until I finally take my life.

I'm just trying to make things matter now, as everything and everyone changes around me.

 

[aGuyInaBearSuit]

Good on you for having the courage to wake up your parents. It's really difficult, even in the heat of something as extreme as panic, not to feel guilty for asking others for help. Even though you feel guilty I think it's a really good thing that you managed to do it.

Was the panic physiological in nature (racing heart, short breath, etc) or existential (hopelessness, emptiness) or something else entirely?

Physiological, mostly. I woke up with some chest pains and my heart racing, difficulty swallowing and extremely shallow breaths. It became even worse when I began contemplating the possibilities of things like several years of browsing the internet with my laptop resting on my chest and potential damage that could have caused.

Thankfully I managed to snap out of it and I feel fine now. I have a medication I take and I've had blood tests and exams to ensure I don't have some kind of heart condition and they've told me that it's all in my head. It's a feeling I wouldn't wish on anybody.

 

[demon]

I have three more days at my shitty, miserable, cocksucking motherfucking job. =D

 

[Blues1990]

I have three more days at my shitty, miserable, cocksucking motherfucking job. =D

Bravo. The key to remember, is that you just have to rough it out for the next few days, and then you can use a 'Get out of Jail Free' card and fly towards the sunset.

You'd be surprised just how many people (a majority, I think) are sitting around in various states of loneliness (even if they don't know it!) wanting for more social attention. Social lives take effort and while that balance will never be quite fair we're all quite sensitive to when it's not in our favor - myself included. I've spent large portions of my life very bitter and isolated because no one seemed to be buying into any of my friendly advances or making any of their own.

I've come to two realizations on the matter, though:

First, it's a bit of a snowball effect. It takes a while for social effort and socialization to pay off such that others feel comfortable reaching out to you. Or at least, it's been that way for me. I didn't think I'd made much progress at my school until classes started this week and I realized I'm not totally anonymous like I was a year ago. I haven't made any reall friends in my program still, but a year of serious effort (making sure I talked to others, and mostly asking them questions since I'm not comfortable talking about myself all the time, being very patient and kind, and being okay with not having it always pay off) has made me no longer anonymous. Like, a few of my classmates from last year who I have classes with again will say hello to me and asked me about my summer and the such. It's progress!

Second, vulnerability is the first thing we want others to offer but the last thing we're willing to do so ourselves. Vulnerability, I believe, is what brings people closer together; it allows you to get to know someones "true" self. It doesn't always work - you won't relate to everyone - but it's definitely important.

Huh. I definitely agree with your analysis, especially with how people need to make the effort on their end to open up. Believe me, as I have done everything that I can and have exhausted all of my options for trying to meet new people and create new friendships. But, more often than not, people just don't want to be bothered to get to know me, and will immediately go back to browsing their text messages on their cell phones or will outright ignore me. It doesn't help that I also live in the most unfriendly city in all of Canada (Vancouver), and it's been a hindrance to try to meet people here.

 

[MisterLuffy]

Gonna agree with Advocatus Diaboli's comment about meeting with you prof. Learned this with Calculas last semester. If you're seeing the prof at a semi-regular basis, asking for help or at least saying "Hey, I've been struggling, and yes I saw the tutors..." they will usually understand what you're going through. Depending on the prof/department/requirements, they can be more lenient towards you, maybe let you retake a test (especially if you're typically bad with tests and the homework shows you're making an effort) or get an extension. It won't work with every prof, no, but you just have to visit with them and see. The key is that you study, you really try, you ask for help... if you still have problems after that, the professor should give you some extra advice.

And if you think you have a certain weakness, definitely mention that right away with the tutor. Hopefully they have some advice specifically tailored to that.

I'll do that. I need to check tomorrow if they offer prob and stat tutor there. My instructor has her office hours on Monday and Wednesday so I have to check with her next week. I can't do it after class since she's teaching the next section after mines.

 

[pixelation]

Do you think you don't enjoy company, PERIOD, or you're just not enjoying the type of company / socialization you've been having recently? The vast, vast, vast, vast majority of humans are social creatures, yet what we all need from that socialization and how much of it we want varies wildly.

I rarely if ever enjoy company, maybe a few minutes? and after that i want them gone and lose interest and just start wondering when i'll be able to be alone again.

 

[DiddysKongQuest]

I know this isn't what you want to hear, DKQ, but it's probably best that you unlink yourself from her in as many ways as possible - social media, phone, etc - and not talk to her for as long as possible. This is not easy to do, it is not what anyone wants to do and it sucks horribly, but once you get through the hell of adjusting to not having the option of checking in on her or reaching out to her it will, well, simplify your life. It will just be you, with your feelings, with no option but to move through them, rather than leaving you always toying with the option of calling or texting or checking facebook or what have you. Not only will this help you sort out your feelings, it will preserve much better any possibility of you two getting back together in the future - which it is never good to count on, but is still a consideration, I'm sure.

I guided a good friend through a really, really tough breakup a year ago with similar advice and while she's not "over" it totally she's made a lot more progress once she's not always worrying about how to negotiate things with him post-breakup.

I also agree with what AD posted above.

I'm sorry things are so tough, DKQ. This is one of those circumstances where you really do have to take it one day, one hour at a time. The first week will be the hardest.

<3

First of all, you are a great person for responding to every single person her in this thread. Bless you <3

I don't know what will hapen today. We've been chatting like normal friends the last 2 days and the aggressive attitude from Wednesday isn't there anymore. I bought a movie for her an amazon (a movie from an actor I really despise) and I asked her if we two can watch it together. She said that I would hate the movie anyway and that she's going to watch it now. So my chances of doing more with her than drinking a coffee today are pretty much not there.

I have to cut her lose after today. There is no other choice if I ever want to move on and get better.

Only 4 hours and 15 minutes to go.

 

[Kipp]

Damn Kipp, it sounds like the administrative side of your doctor's office is really dropping the ball. Obviously if the doctor's not there he's not there, but is there anyone you can talk to about the issues you've had with their communication?

Eh, I'm of the mind that as much as it sucks, there's nothing I can do to change it so no reason to spend my time complaining to them about it.
With that said, it really, really sucks... Another week of not being able to enjoy my life. Frustrating.

In the end, it's just a week though, so I'll make it.

 

[DrM]

Finally, 16 days without going to work, my vacation is here. I booked hotel room in one of biggest thermal spa for four days next week and I will visit my relatives and several friends over there.

Second week will be all about hiking and thinking about plans for the future. One is already set - I will take German class this autumn to refresh my knowledge of language

 

[DiddysKongQuest]

Date with the Ex went pretty well. We talked much, laughed a lot and most importantly she clarified everything (especially the date with the stranger, which was much more harmless than initially thought). I kissed her when we said goodbye too each other. It was wrong, but I just couldn't stop myself from doing it. Can't say that she was reluctant to it.

But I have accepted the fact that we are not an item anymore. I feel a lot better and I'm able to let go now if this won't ever work again.

 

[jufonuk]

I am doing a Half Marathon (13 Miles) to Raise Money for Mind, they have helped me in the past I want to help them back,

this will be on the 6th of September

just pleased I am able to push myself, ran past canary wharf , the mere sight of the place used to give me panic attacks.

also if I feel panicky while running it gives me a boost , so its cool

 

[jb1234]

First of all, you are a great person for responding to every single person her in this thread. Bless you <3

This. <3

 

[MisterLuffy]

First of all, you are a great person for responding to every single person her in this thread. Bless you <3

This. <3

Same here.

 

[A Fish Aficionado]

I am doing a Half Marathon (13 Miles) to Raise Money for Mind, they have helped me in the past I want to help them back,

this will be on the 6th of September

just pleased I am able to push myself, ran past canary wharf , the mere sight of the place used to give me panic attacks.

also if I feel panicky while running it gives me a boost , so its cool

Right on!

 

[Mathunilx]

Hello

My life is quite a mess. A couple years ago I was raped and I decided to keep it to myself. As years went by, the pain kept growing until I couldn't hold it anymore and I finally told my best friend last year. Now she feels overwhelmed and she doesn't know what to do because my life took a turn to the worse since I told her.

First off, my brother started drinking and it ended with him attempting suicide and me finding him and calling 911. He is doing relatively well now but I have not told my parents about it because they would freak out.

Then a couple months later it was my mother's turn. She tried to hang herself and I found her letter and I called 911 again and she's doing better now.

The thing is, this is too much for me. I started uni last week and nothing is working for me, I have social anxiety that I didn't have before the rape and everything is just bringing me down. The only moments I feel happy is when I'm with my good friends (I have 3 close friends) but everyone is telling me I should try to feel by myself or try some self help. The thing is I feel such shame, and I feel so unloved due to half my family trying to commit that I am looking anywhere for a sign that somebody cares.

Last night I decided that I had enough and that I wanted to end it all but I looked at how painful it was for me having half my family try to commit suicide and I decided that I couldn't do that to the people I love. I sent a message to my best friend telling her I needed help and that I needed to talk, and that I wanted to get better. The problem is we got in a fight yesterday so she might not respond.

I feel helpless and those cripling feelings of shame and feeling dirty and unloved just won't leave. I have no clue what to do now. I want to do something but I don't know what I can do.

 

[MikeDip]

I am doing a Half Marathon (13 Miles) to Raise Money for Mind, they have helped me in the past I want to help them back,

this will be on the 6th of September

just pleased I am able to push myself, ran past canary wharf , the mere sight of the place used to give me panic attacks.

also if I feel panicky while running it gives me a boost , so its cool

Very cool! I started running myself recently. It's nice.

How long does it take to do 13 miles? That's crazy long, so awesome.

 

[jufonuk]

Very cool! I started running myself recently. It's nice.

How long does it take to do 13 miles? That's crazy long, so awesome.

the most I have done so far is Ten that took an 2 and a half hours for me , so I am aiming for 3 hours on the marathon,

i am kind of getting a bug more for the social aspect of it , I meet up with my friends run , talk chat, enjoy the views, take pictures and what not.(album of my pictures)

https://photos.google.com/album/AF1QipP_JkhGNwX3X4MplmPfAhTiZf1suaZJbjSW8lXd

I'm the guy with the goatee.

I'm not a serious runner I just like doing it because, sometimes I don't have to think and all the crap and negative thoughts get pushed out, it makes me calm, and I am starting to prefer going outside to being in the gym, it helps me lose weight so that is cool

 

[jufonuk]

Hello

My life is quite a mess. A couple years ago I was raped and I decided to keep it to myself. As years went by, the pain kept growing until I couldn't hold it anymore and I finally told my best friend last year. Now she feels overwhelmed and she doesn't know what to do because my life took a turn to the worse since I told her.

First off, my brother started drinking and it ended with him attempting suicide and me finding him and calling 911. He is doing relatively well now but I have not told my parents about it because they would freak out.

Then a couple months later it was my mother's turn. She tried to hang herself and I found her letter and I called 911 again and she's doing better now.

The thing is, this is too much for me. I started uni last week and nothing is working for me, I have social anxiety that I didn't have before the rape and everything is just bringing me down. The only moments I feel happy is when I'm with my good friends (I have 3 close friends) but everyone is telling me I should try to feel by myself or try some self help. The thing is I feel such shame, and I feel so unloved due to half my family trying to commit that I am looking anywhere for a sign that somebody cares.

Last night I decided that I had enough and that I wanted to end it all but I looked at how painful it was for me having half my family try to commit suicide and I decided that I couldn't do that to the people I love. I sent a message to my best friend telling her I needed help and that I needed to talk, and that I wanted to get better. The problem is we got in a fight yesterday so she might not respond.

I feel helpless and those cripling feelings of shame and feeling dirty and unloved just won't leave. I have no clue what to do now. I want to do something but I don't know what I can do.

A friend will be their for you through thick and thin..
I have never gone through what you have but you need to tell the police or someone don't suffer , you are not unloved . Take it from me looking for signs can make you miss all the obvious clues and you get so blinded you convince yourself you'll never find it . If you have a counsellor or student services talk to them.

 

[Piano]

After over a month of dreading it, my best friend moved away yesterday. Even with so much time to prepare, it hit me very hard, the realization that I wouldn't be able to be in the same room with him anymore. It's hard to get into playful fistfights with someone you've known and loved for almost thirty years when they're living in Europe.

Fortunately, I was able to get a certain amount of time with him before that day, which included two days at his place (very hard days but I made it through) and a surprise party that another friend was hosting. The latter was also a chance to try and connect with some other people, since I'm going to need more social outlets. I also took part of that day to see a friend of mine who was recovering in the hospital from surgery. I hadn't seen him in a few years (we worked together for a while) and I know he (and his partner) greatly appreciated it.

But then I spent the next day confined to bed with crushing fatigue, crying and I very quickly remembered why I fucking hate my life so much. No matter what steps I take to try and better things, my body almost immediately makes me pay the price for it. It's impossible to move forward because every attempt takes me two steps backward. With my condition steadily worsening, I know it's all a stopgap until I finally take my life.

I'm just trying to make things matter now, as everything and everyone changes around me.

I admire your strength in continuing to move forward through both pain and change, jb. The difficulties of both are no joke. Hang in there, friend.

Physiological, mostly. I woke up with some chest pains and my heart racing, difficulty swallowing and extremely shallow breaths. It became even worse when I began contemplating the possibilities of things like several years of browsing the internet with my laptop resting on my chest and potential damage that could have caused.

Thankfully I managed to snap out of it and I feel fine now. I have a medication I take and I've had blood tests and exams to ensure I don't have some kind of heart condition and they've told me that it's all in my head. It's a feeling I wouldn't wish on anybody.

Hopefully the medication and knowing that your health is right even if it doesn't feel that way will guide you through future episodes. Certainly if it keeps happening know that there are many options for medical consultation and treatment out there.

Huh. I definitely agree with your analysis, especially with how people need to make the effort on their end to open up. Believe me, as I have done everything that I can and have exhausted all of my options for trying to meet new people and create new friendships. But, more often than not, people just don't want to be bothered to get to know me, and will immediately go back to browsing their text messages on their cell phones or will outright ignore me. It doesn't help that I also live in the most unfriendly city in all of Canada (Vancouver), and it's been a hindrance to try to meet people here.

I believe you. Even if those people are the majority, though, folks of the other type do exist. They can be tough as hell to find but they're there, somewhere. I hope you can find a source of strength to keep putting yourself out there.

Also, it's interesting to think that we've all been "that person" at some point in our lives. I think we've all, at some point, been noncommunicative, closed off or given someone the run around, even if we haven't meant to. I noticed last school year that as much as I wanted to make friends at school I was coming across as cold and disinterested. I didn't mean to, but there it was, and if there was anyone interested in connecting I sure wasn't inviting it.

I didn't know that about Vancouver. I've got a cousin up there so it's a place I hope to visit at some point.

I rarely if ever enjoy company, maybe a few minutes? and after that i want them gone and lose interest and just start wondering when i'll be able to be alone again.

On those rare occasions when you do enjoy socialization past a few minutes, can you put any words to what the difference is? It may be something worth thinking about as you move forward. Certainly an avenue for exploration.

Finally, 16 days without going to work, my vacation is here. I booked hotel room in one of biggest thermal spa for four days next week and I will visit my relatives and several friends over there.

Second week will be all about hiking and thinking about plans for the future. One is already set - I will take German class this autumn to refresh my knowledge of language

I hope you have a great time on vacation, DrM! A thermal spa sounds heavenly.
Also, it's awesome that you're signed up for a German class.

Date with the Ex went pretty well. We talked much, laughed a lot and most importantly she clarified everything (especially the date with the stranger, which was much more harmless than initially thought). I kissed her when we said goodbye too each other. It was wrong, but I just couldn't stop myself from doing it. Can't say that she was reluctant to it.

But I have accepted the fact that we are not an item anymore. I feel a lot better and I'm able to let go now if this won't ever work again.

I'm glad it's provided you with some closure, DKQ. I'm sure there will be difficult times in the next few days or weeks but hopefully you can keep a solid perspective through it all. Keep us posted if you want or need to.

I am doing a Half Marathon (13 Miles) to Raise Money for Mind, they have helped me in the past I want to help them back,

this will be on the 6th of September

just pleased I am able to push myself, ran past canary wharf , the mere sight of the place used to give me panic attacks.

also if I feel panicky while running it gives me a boost , so its cool

That's cool as hell, jufonuk. I admire the hell out of that, and not just because it's such a long distance to run.

This. <3

Same here.

Thanks guys

Hello

My life is quite a mess. A couple years ago I was raped and I decided to keep it to myself. As years went by, the pain kept growing until I couldn't hold it anymore and I finally told my best friend last year. Now she feels overwhelmed and she doesn't know what to do because my life took a turn to the worse since I told her.

First off, my brother started drinking and it ended with him attempting suicide and me finding him and calling 911. He is doing relatively well now but I have not told my parents about it because they would freak out.

Then a couple months later it was my mother's turn. She tried to hang herself and I found her letter and I called 911 again and she's doing better now.

The thing is, this is too much for me. I started uni last week and nothing is working for me, I have social anxiety that I didn't have before the rape and everything is just bringing me down. The only moments I feel happy is when I'm with my good friends (I have 3 close friends) but everyone is telling me I should try to feel by myself or try some self help. The thing is I feel such shame, and I feel so unloved due to half my family trying to commit that I am looking anywhere for a sign that somebody cares.

Last night I decided that I had enough and that I wanted to end it all but I looked at how painful it was for me having half my family try to commit suicide and I decided that I couldn't do that to the people I love. I sent a message to my best friend telling her I needed help and that I needed to talk, and that I wanted to get better. The problem is we got in a fight yesterday so she might not respond.

I feel helpless and those cripling feelings of shame and feeling dirty and unloved just won't leave. I have no clue what to do now. I want to do something but I don't know what I can do.

Mathunilx,
I'm sorry to hear that things are so difficult. I cannot possibly endeavor to understand what life must be like after such a traumatic event as I've never been through something comparable, but I have seen bits and pieces of it through a close friend who has had some very similar troubles.

Have you considered seeking counseling / therapy? It is very likely that there are services offered through your university. It may take a few tries to find someone with whom you're comfortable discussing struggles so deeply personal but once you do it can be a tool for real, meaningful progress through the difficult emotions you're disclosing.

I'm glad you were able to weather your temptations for self-harm; if you continue to have those feelings I strongly recommend getting emergency medical care.

Please do feel free to keep us posted as much as you're comfortable.

<3

 

[More_Badass]

So...didn't know this thread existed, actually learned about it because someone mentioned it in the Notch thread. I tend to keep things pretty internal, but that Notch thread got me thinking, especially since I could relate to a lot of these feelings he mentioned. Of feeling lonely and isolated and friendless.

I got officially diagnosed with asperger's in June, and going to be starting classes again next week, and I'm kind of nervous. I had gotten really depressed earlier in the year. I'm 23, never had friends, and you know, seeing other people with friends, and always feeling awkward around them, was tough. It had been compounding for a long time. It's easier over the summer, because I'm away from that, and I'm with my family, but I'm not looking forward to starting classes.

I do see a therapist now, so that should help.

 

[Magwik]

Well, here is to losing the battle again this week. As I've had more nights of feeling completely alone and hopeless have out-numbered the others. I wish I wasn't me. I wish I was someone who could run away from their feelings and thoughts by drinking or smoking. I wish I was someone who actually could act on their dreams and ambition. Someone who actually had a drive in life. Instead I'm just wasting my time rotting away in a factory making money that has no meaning or value to me, living a life that's empty and void of any meaning.

 

[A Human Becoming]

The "loony bin" can be quite helpful though, can it not?
If you're having thoughts that you feel threaten yourself or others ... that's what inpatient hospitalization is designed to treat.
Is there anything we can do to help?

If I ever go to a mental hospital again I don't think I'll want to leave. I'll have just given up on existing in the outside world.

I realized today one of my biggest problems is I don't believe in myself anymore. I took dropping out of graduate school harder than I realize. I must believe again.

And yes, thank you Piano for taking the time to respond to everyone. You are a good person.

 

[Polyphony]

Edit: Removed details for personal reasons.

 

[NIGHT-]

Why does it hurt so bad to find out your ex is seeing someone new? It's not like it should be surprising or anything, but it feels like all the progress I've made from the break up has been reset. I hate this feeling of loneliness and depression while she is out being happy and doing the things we loved to do with someone else.


Also next month marks the one year anniversary of my best friend passing and I'm taking it hard. Especially since all 3 of us hung out so often and now I lost both of them. Me and him both loved Halloween and always got excited for horror movie marathons and so on. Gonna be a rough couple of months

 

[zeemumu]

I've been bouncing around GAF a lot lately but I haven't checked in here in a while.

A few things:

• My best friend moved back to the area earlier this month. She's bee about 5 hours away for a year and I've missed her a lot because I'm only close with a few people, and one has been busy so we don't hang out as much as we used to, meaning that I spent a lot of my time in isolation. It's nice to have a close friend back, but something feels weird. I don't feel as dependent anymore. I guess spending all that time isolated forced me to learn to be happy by myself.
• I celebrated my 21st birthday on the 13th. My family had been bugging me about that for a few months "It's your big 21st, Zeemumu! You need to do something big!" My reaction was more or less "meh" the entire time. I spent the day with my best friend, then went to dinner with my family in the evening, then spent the weekend at the D23 Expo. First few hours in there were rough due to anxiety with the combination of the dense crowds and sheer amount of stuff, and the fact that I was maybe 1 of 3 black people in the entire place. Kinda makes you feel weird, ya know? Since I've turned 21 I've actually done very little drinking, so I don't think there will ever be a problem of me turning to alcoholism in the future.
• I sent in my 2 weeks notice reisgnation letter to my job. The 13th will be my last day. Money-wise, it'll be upsetting to not earn a steady paycheck, but it'll be nice not having to deal with the stress of retail on a reguar basis. I am gonna miss some of my coworkers.
• I've been in Summer Quarter at my university for the past month or so. I'm pretty worried about my grades, though. I was unaware that one of my finals was happening earlier so I wasn't exactly prepared to take it, and the professor's been pretty tough on grading. I've got one more final on Thursday and I want to be able to do well. All my family does is discuss amongst themselves about how I'm meant to be the smartest and the most promising. I feel like I'll be letting them down if I fail these classes, especially since this is my 2nd time taking Calc II.
• But stressful life events aside, I actually feel kind of okay. I've felt like I could be productive lately, and like there are actually things that I want to accomplish. Doesn't feel as hopeless. Granted I still let myself get affected by people who don't give a shit about me, which is something that I'll try to work on.

tl;dr: friend is back, I'm 21 now, I'm quitting my part-time job, my grades worry me, feeling okay but kind of like a puppet trying to cut my strings off. Working on it.

 

[Ponn]

Perhaps everyone uses them because our language simply isn't precise enough, and our experiences not wide enough, to impart the results of our emotional experiences onto others. We only have this one mind, this one set of feelings, and nothing to compare it to, ever. Within it there is a seemingly infinite range of possibilities, yet we also know that each person has their own nearly infinite range of possibilities. Surely there is overlap - and that's what those statements are searching for, I guess - but how are we supposed to know where it is? Ultimately everyone's experience is their own guide, and perhaps some general pick-me-up words can be useful because they allow everyone to adapt their meaning to their own particular circumstance. Just musing.

Apathy, I think, is a sign of having become closed off to the world. Certainly there is much out there to feel fulfilled by, to give us meaning, to give us purpose or happiness or joy or what have you, we simply have to find what works best for us and we have to be open with it - we have to be willing to leverage our vulnerabilities in pursuit of those feelings. Have you become more emotionally closed off over the years? You mentioned group therapy in the past - are you still in group therapy?

Yea that is a reasonable explaination of why people use those same phrases and words. It's alot like everyone having different reasons for being depressed or anxiety but everyone shares alot of the same symptoms and can relate on that level. It's just you get to a point where all those phrases bounce off of you like a force field and in my case you start dissecting the meaning behind them and people's intent. It might be a bit of projecting as well. There was a great picture posted in another thread of a depressed person putting on happy version costume of themselves and going out into the world and that really hits the nail on the head. I question though how many people do this everyday and not just because they are depressed or need to try and be active in the world. I think we've all met people either at work, school, etc that you are just "This person can't be for real" Maybe its part of my anxiety or social phobia or something more but I just can't help questioning everyone I see. Why they really do or say what they say. Is everyone wearing costumes and how do we ever really know?

Yea I had several sessions of group but i'm going back to one on one. Maybe I should keep going but I think I hit my limit of interaction with people and it just became monotony to me towards the end. It felt helpful at first but I just started to feel like it was starting to become repetitive and it was starting to depress me with the feeling of futility. And as far as closing myself off that happened at a young age due to some awful things that took place in our household to me and my sister. I started to open up a little bit in high school but shortly thereafter more things happened that really solidified my walls. I appreciate the discussions in here but I think i'm going to layoff for awhile. I'm probably not helping the mood or being helpful.

 

[jb1234]

I don't have anything especially soul-crushing to share today so instead, I'll post this pretty picture of a park I visited a few days ago, while waiting for my eyeglasses to get repaired.

 

[jb1234]

Why does it hurt so bad to find out your ex is seeing someone new? It's not like it should be surprising or anything, but it feels like all the progress I've made from the break up has been reset. I hate this feeling of loneliness and depression while she is out being happy and doing the things we loved to do with someone else.

Also next month marks the one year anniversary of my best friend passing and I'm taking it hard. Especially since all 3 of us hung out so often and now I lost both of them. Me and him both loved Halloween and always got excited for horror movie marathons and so on. Gonna be a rough couple of months

I'm really sorry for your losses, dude.

 

[Cizeta-Moroder]

So done. I can't stand seeing, hearing or thinking of anything anymore. Everything reminds me how much of a lesser life I have than others. The universe is one big mockery of my shortcomings.

 

[Desperado]

Hi all. I graduated college earlier this year and just moved to a new city one month ago. Thus, I had to leave behind all my strong support systems -- friends, organizations, mentors, my therapist, hairstylist (this one may seem silly, but we had a good relationship!) -- that I had built up over the past 8 years. I had no real desire to leave, but due to my field (public education) and being fresh out of college with no experience, I had to take a job wherever I could get one.

I've been feeling really down since coming here, and over the last two weeks I've felt consumed by anxiety and fear. I was on an SSRI anti-anxiety/depression medication for about a year and a half, and my doctor and I decided at the beginning of the summer that it would be a good idea to try to come off of it since I had seen good progress and had been quite stable. I finished coming off of it right before I moved. As of right now, I'm not so sure that was a good idea.

I've also just had this intense longing to move back home to my old city. Now since I'm contracted for the whole school year and signed a 12-month lease, I obviously need to stick it out at least for the next 11ish months. And depending on what openings are or are not available and on how fair/ethical I feel it would be to leave my school after just one year, I may need to stay longer. But culturally I feel very out of place in my new city, and I was just so happy with my old one.

I'm very introverted, and meeting people and making friends has been a huge challenge for me throughout my life, and especially so the less my surrounding situations lead me to be around potential friends regularly. When I first started at college, I had so much trouble trying to meet people and basically didn't make any friends for about 2 years. By the end I was able to make some really great ones, but it took a LONG time.

I know most of the things I'm experiencing are typical for someone moving to a new city and going through a major life change, especially considering my history with anxiety, but that doesn't make the intensity of the anxiety, fear, and sadness any less real. I also know that going outside your comfort zone is necessary for growth, but when you don't feel like you have any sort of comfort zone to retreat to and recharge, it is hard not to feel overwhelmed.

I've joined some Meetup.com groups, but I have had bad experiences in the past going to gatherings alone. I will probably try to get a new prescription for my anxiety medication, even though I wish I didn't need to, and find a new therapist. I'm sure things will get better as time passes, but it's hard to feel positive about much of anything right now.

 

[pixelation]

Man, i'm basically just living for a few upcoming games that i'm interested in... and waiting 'till i can grow a full beard/mustache to see how good/bad it looks on me. I know i will never find anyone that i can love back.

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

Trying to find catharsis here again...

I just ended a bout of forced vacation (as in, if I didn't take vacation days this past week, I'd lose them). It began with another job rejection: this one, I was really hopeful for, and it might've been a quasi-dream job. Well, in any case, I'm numb to rejections now. It's been a year of them. I ended up applying for a "lesser" job, because I've got a contact there. Doubtful I'll even get it (these things are competitive), but even if I do, I'll wake up each morning and realize that I'm not where I want to be.

I've also been on a string of bad dates. I won't belabor the details. What I'm realizing is that, due to previous depression, I foolishly pushed away my ex-wife, the one person who's ever cared about me ... and now she's so much better off without me directly in her life that it's mind-boggling. Her career's taken off; she literally just fulfilled her childhood dream; and, of course, she has guys throwing themselves at her. Naturally, we offer each other advice, since we're still best friends. I know it's not a competition, but still: she's winning. Today, I floated her a $100 Amazon gift card to buy something for her and our dog. I don't even know why. At least it resulted in some positive good.

I have 8 months left before my lease expires and I have to move back home with my parents. I can't do that. I don't have a close relationship with them, and I couldn't deal with that constant, overwhelming feeling of abject failure. I'm fantasizing about "disappearing" -- which I intentionally put in scare quotes. I just want to empty my investment account and Roth IRA and move to some random place in Eastern Europe, anywhere, and just start fresh.

 

[sasliquid]

You know what hasnt been good for my mental health? My SO of 1.5 years broke up with me for poorly explained reasons and I think she pretended it was just a break for at least a week, considering everything we had been through I feel really hurt about it. It's been over a month and I'm feeling a range of emotions, anger, bitterness, jealously, sorrow and at least seriously depressed twice. Just trying to make it through, Tuesday is metal gear so that will at least distract me for a bit.

 

[DiddysKongQuest]

You know what hasnt been good for my mental health? My SO of 1.5 years broke up with me for poorly explained reasons and I think she pretended it was just a break for at least a week, considering everything we had been through I feel really hurt about it. It's been over a month and I'm feeling a range of emotions, anger, bitterness, jealously, sorrow and at least seriously depressed twice. Just trying to make it through, Tuesday is metal gear so that will at least distract me for a bit.

We are on the same boat here. It's almost scary how similiar our stories are.

I'm currently doing my best not to think about her. I spent the weekend with friends at a smash tournament and it was so much fun. I also have been chatting with random girls on Tinder and it helps more than I thought. Makes me feel wanted in a way. Maybe that would distract you too?

Spoiler

But it didn't help that I dreamed about her and I'm feeling shitty again.

 

[MikeDip]

I spent the weekend with friends at a smash tournament and it was so much fun.

Cool! Were you samus?

 

[DiddysKongQuest]

Cool! Were you samus?

No, I play Jigglypuff!

 

[tariniel]

I have an overwhelming urge to quit my job, live until I run out of money, and then kill myself. I am unhappy but I have no right to be, I feel bad because I know a lot of people have it worse. I really don't understand why I feel this way. I don't like my job anymore but I realize that it's an OK job, I don't have the energy or willpower to find and start a new one, all I want to do is nothing. The idea of doing anything makes me feel tired. My family rarely talks to me anymore because I refused to cosign some loans and I feel like I have no one to talk to and no one cares whether I'm alive or not. When I lay down to sleep all I can think about is how to die and it keeps me up for hours.

To have my own place and a decent job is all I ever wanted and worked toward when I was growing up and in college, and now that I have it, I feel worse than I've ever felt. I have no ambition, no future, no drive to accomplish anything else. At this point I feel like the only thing I'm living for are new game releases that I get excited about and decide to stick around for.

 

[Ally of Justice]

Wall of text incoming, feel free to ignore.

A little more than a year ago, I got accused of messing up stuff in my job in order to being paid to fix it, so I could keep my job for more time (I was employed by contract, by project, but being paid by the hour), my (then) girlfriend dumped me in the worst way possible (for me, at least), and got with a guy she was already "dating" while we were a couple and my family started caring about me only because I was giving them money, since my father is unemployed and too old to get a job.

Because of this, I got depressed and couldn't even get enough strength (both mental and physical) to go to classes, and with no one to really go to to get emotional support, I got it all bottled up and at one point, I simply couldn't stand it anymore. I got grades so bad that my school coach suggested me to rest a year and return to class the next year (Which would be today, August 31st, 2015).

Since I lost school, I discovered most if not all my friends stopped talking to me, and without my girlfriend and my family just there to get money, I felt completely alone and way deeper into depression.

My days became an endless routine of "Wake up, go to work, return tired, go to sleep and repeat" and, as the days went on, the sleeping part began to become less and less usual, at the end completely disappearing or being reduced to a measly 1.5 hours of sleep everyday, if nightmares don't wake me up.

My performance at job began to decrease, too. Usually simple tasks (I'm a programmer, by the way) started being really hard to program and finish. During the last few months, I've spent way more time "fixing" stuff that I can't simply make work than programming new stuff.
In regards to this, I feel way, way too tired and stupid to find another job, but I can't afford losing this job because my family (and me) depends on it and, to be honest, I don't know what I would do without another reason to get up from bed every day, or to even leave the house.

During this whole year, I've contacted my exGF in periods of time ranging from "Every once in a while" to "Almost everyday". We can talk and have fun together, hang out and watch movies. In her eyes, we're best friends.
She has helped me in more than a couple tough times, but I love her and cannot see her as a friend, which, of course, hurts me every time I see her, especially knowing she's dating other people.

Two weeks ago, I visited her and she told me she would marry me the day I was successful, confident and regained my love for life, the first two being things she knows I'd really like to be one day, and she said that "because she wants to love me and for that, she wants me to be who I really want to be". That, at the time, gave me a boost of confidence and, at the same time, a reason to keep trying and to go on. For the remainder of that week and the past week, I was like a new person, or rather, the person I was before being depressed and stuff.

Last week, it was the time to re-enroll into University and, with my newly recovered boost, I was ready to re-enroll, despite being somewhat scared, but because of administrative stuff, I couldn't get in, so I have to wait another year in order to return to school. I talked to people in school, but they say they can't do anything.

That hit me, like a cruel punch of reality to the face.

I haven't said anything to my exGF about that, but this past Thursday she invited me to visit her, because of we both returning to School and due to our work days, we wouldn't have a chance to see each other until December. I would stay in her house until Saturday at noon.
This time, she treated me like just a friend, and not even a close one. At the end, I told her I didn't see her as a friend and that I still love her, something she knows well and she told me she had decided that the best course of action was for us to stop talking, until I become better (Confident and successful) or I stop loving her.
Even in my darkest times, the light that kept me

That was the second punch to the face.

I returned home on Saturday, and since my family knew that I was to return to school this Monday (Today), they started bombarding me questions about how I'm going to balance school and work again, because we need the money. So, at the end, they don't care about my well-being nor about me returning to school, but about how they can keep receiving the money I give them.

This was the punch that finished it.

I have no friends, I have no motivation, no school and I can't even go to my family for emotional support. My only hope is to become the person I want to be, but I feel no motivation to do it other than to be with the woman I love, and even then, this is someone that, even when I love her and she knows that, even when she wants to love me, in the mean time, she prefers to cut all communication until I become that person and date someone else in the meantime.

In a way, I'm doing it and I'm still alive for the sake of being with who I love, so in a way for her, not for me.

tl;dr

I feel useless and unmotivated and the only thing that makes me not be completely drown in despair is the love I have for someone who doesn't love me "yet".

 

[sasliquid]

We are on the same boat here. It's almost scary how similiar our stories are.

I'm currently doing my best not to think about her. I spent the weekend with friends at a smash tournament and it was so much fun. I also have been chatting with random girls on Tinder and it helps more than I thought. Makes me feel wanted in a way. Maybe that would distract you too?

Spoiler

But it didn't help that I dreamed about her and I'm feeling shitty again.

Heh, well I have been thinking about Tinder but need to take the first step and make an account and also get some good pictures.

My Ex also had Borderline Personality Disorder though which is a whole other can of worms

 

[Astral Dog]

Wall of text incoming, feel free to ignore.
.

oh god, im not sure how to tell you this but you deserve better than her, she has no problem dating someone else while leaving you alone to fix your issues, she is not helping but just saying vague promises that may change one day.

you are not going to get better like this ,need to change , so someday can become a better person and find someone that appreciates you, both your girlfriend and family arent doing that.

 

[jb1234]

oh god, im not sure how to tell you this but you deserve better than her, she has no problem dating someone else while leaving you alone to fix your issues, she is not helping but just saying vague promises that may change one day.

you need to change, so someday can become a better person and find someone that appreciates you, both your girlfriend and family arent doing that.

I concur. Ally, your ex is treating you like shit. And the whole "I might date you if you completely change for me" approach is really rotten. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is distance yourself from her so you have the space needed to get over those feelings. Unrequited love can tear you to shreds.

 

[cntr]

so one of my doctors told me I might have hypothyroidism, and to get me tested on Wednesday

this makes me really happy in a weird way

 

[Badosh]

I have an overwhelming urge to quit my job, live until I run out of money, and then kill myself. I am unhappy but I have no right to be, I feel bad because I know a lot of people have it worse. I really don't understand why I feel this way. I don't like my job anymore but I realize that it's an OK job, I don't have the energy or willpower to find and start a new one, all I want to do is nothing. The idea of doing anything makes me feel tired. My family rarely talks to me anymore because I refused to cosign some loans and I feel like I have no one to talk to and no one cares whether I'm alive or not. When I lay down to sleep all I can think about is how to die and it keeps me up for hours.

To have my own place and a decent job is all I ever wanted and worked toward when I was growing up and in college, and now that I have it, I feel worse than I've ever felt. I have no ambition, no future, no drive to accomplish anything else. At this point I feel like the only thing I'm living for are new game releases that I get excited about and decide to stick around for.

Literally how I feel every day. There are certainly people who are out there that are way worse off than me so I have no right to feel shitty. I feel like if I'm not on the brink of suicide or in the midst of a severe panic attack then I shouldn't talk. It's numbing. Glad I'm not the only one who feels like that.

 

[jb1234]

Literally how I feel every day. There are certainly people who are out there that are way worse off than me so I have no right to feel shitty. I feel like if I'm not on the brink of suicide or in the midst of a severe panic attack then I shouldn't talk. It's numbing. Glad I'm not the only one who feels like that.

There's always going to be someone worse off than you are. That doesn't invalidate your suffering. Pain is still pain.

 

[Piano]

So...didn't know this thread existed, actually learned about it because someone mentioned it in the Notch thread. I tend to keep things pretty internal, but that Notch thread got me thinking, especially since I could relate to a lot of these feelings he mentioned. Of feeling lonely and isolated and friendless.

I got officially diagnosed with asperger's in June, and going to be starting classes again next week, and I'm kind of nervous. I had gotten really depressed earlier in the year. I'm 23, never had friends, and you know, seeing other people with friends, and always feeling awkward around them, was tough. It had been compounding for a long time. It's easier over the summer, because I'm away from that, and I'm with my family, but I'm not looking forward to starting classes.

I do see a therapist now, so that should help.

I hope you're able to make some sense of things with your therapist, MB. It sounds like you're taking some good steps. Did the diagnosis bring any sort of relief, or a greater understanding of what you're going through?

Well, here is to losing the battle again this week. As I've had more nights of feeling completely alone and hopeless have out-numbered the others. I wish I wasn't me. I wish I was someone who could run away from their feelings and thoughts by drinking or smoking. I wish I was someone who actually could act on their dreams and ambition. Someone who actually had a drive in life. Instead I'm just wasting my time rotting away in a factory making money that has no meaning or value to me, living a life that's empty and void of any meaning.

I'm sorry things are so rough, StaticJam. What has given you meaning in the past? When we're stuck deep in the fog and can't see beyond our own nose it can seem endless but the reality is that nothing is truly permanent. Of course, it'll take some wandering to journey out of the thick fog, but it certainly is possible. Do you have a sense of what could give you meaning in your life these days?

If I ever go to a mental hospital again I don't think I'll want to leave. I'll have just given up on existing in the outside world.

I realized today one of my biggest problems is I don't believe in myself anymore. I took dropping out of graduate school harder than I realize. I must believe again.

And yes, thank you Piano for taking the time to respond to everyone. You are a good person.

Maybe I'm being idealistic in my thinking, but it seems to me that the purpose of a psych program (or even outpatient treatment) is to help you regain that desire to exist in the outside world. It may seem impossible, but one would hope they can help you find the tools to make it possible again.

Sorry if this is a dumb question, but why don't you believe in yourself any more?

Why does it hurt so bad to find out your ex is seeing someone new? It's not like it should be surprising or anything, but it feels like all the progress I've made from the break up has been reset. I hate this feeling of loneliness and depression while she is out being happy and doing the things we loved to do with someone else.


Also next month marks the one year anniversary of my best friend passing and I'm taking it hard. Especially since all 3 of us hung out so often and now I lost both of them. Me and him both loved Halloween and always got excited for horror movie marathons and so on. Gonna be a rough couple of months

The path to moving beyond loss (both of your ex and your friend) is certainly not a straight line; as long as the longer trend shows movement you'll get to a better place in time. Both losses are things that certainly take the luster out of life, so I hope you don't feel weak or inadequate for feeling sad or hurt.

I've been bouncing around GAF a lot lately but I haven't checked in here in a while.

A few things:

tl;dr: friend is back, I'm 21 now, I'm quitting my part-time job, my grades worry me, feeling okay but kind of like a puppet trying to cut my strings off. Working on it.

This sounds....GREAT. You seriously put a smile on my face. Even that little, tiny, minuscule feeling of progress can be so wonderful. I hope you keep working on it, zeemumu, and I hope things continue to trend upwards What do you think has given you the greater "okay" feeling? Learning to be more independent?

For what it's worth birthdays almost always put me in a bad mood. Too much pressure to make something of it. This year's birthday was one of my best because I didn't tell anyone and didn't do anything special. Just tried to have a decent normal day.

Yea that is a reasonable explaination of why people use those same phrases and words. It's alot like everyone having different reasons for being depressed or anxiety but everyone shares alot of the same symptoms and can relate on that level. It's just you get to a point where all those phrases bounce off of you like a force field and in my case you start dissecting the meaning behind them and people's intent. It might be a bit of projecting as well. There was a great picture posted in another thread of a depressed person putting on happy version costume of themselves and going out into the world and that really hits the nail on the head. I question though how many people do this everyday and not just because they are depressed or need to try and be active in the world. I think we've all met people either at work, school, etc that you are just "This person can't be for real" Maybe its part of my anxiety or social phobia or something more but I just can't help questioning everyone I see. Why they really do or say what they say. Is everyone wearing costumes and how do we ever really know?

Yea I had several sessions of group but i'm going back to one on one. Maybe I should keep going but I think I hit my limit of interaction with people and it just became monotony to me towards the end. It felt helpful at first but I just started to feel like it was starting to become repetitive and it was starting to depress me with the feeling of futility. And as far as closing myself off that happened at a young age due to some awful things that took place in our household to me and my sister. I started to open up a little bit in high school but shortly thereafter more things happened that really solidified my walls. I appreciate the discussions in here but I think i'm going to layoff for awhile. I'm probably not helping the mood or being helpful.

Those are some deep questions Ponn that I'm not sure anyone can answer. I guess we're all faking it on some level. But it varies so heavily. The questioning mind leads us to some real quandaries.

I don't think you need to worry about souring the mood in the thread, certainly that hasn't been a thought that has crossed my mind. That being said, if you'd like space I encourage you to take it. I hope one on one appointments go well!

So done. I can't stand seeing, hearing or thinking of anything anymore. Everything reminds me how much of a lesser life I have than others. The universe is one big mockery of my shortcomings.

It sounds like you're in a very tough place, Cizeta-Moroder. Do you have a good sense of what's got you there? Sorry things are so tough.

I've joined some Meetup.com groups, but I have had bad experiences in the past going to gatherings alone. I will probably try to get a new prescription for my anxiety medication, even though I wish I didn't need to, and find a new therapist. I'm sure things will get better as time passes, but it's hard to feel positive about much of anything right now.

Moving is one of the scariest, most stressful, most difficult parts of our modern lives Desperado, so, honestly, HONESTLY, I'm impressed that you're adjusting as well as you are. It takes a while to settle into any new locale, especially when it's as big of a transition as you're describing. I hope you are able to get into therapy appointments soon, as I'm certain the big move has given you lots of reflections on yourself and your needs that would be very beneficial to work through, and surely there are paths out of your suffering. I also encourage you to pursue anxiety medication if you feel it helps you. It does not make you weak. It does not make you lesser. You're doing a better job with the move than many. I do hope you keep us posted.

Trying to find catharsis here again...

I just ended a bout of forced vacation (as in, if I didn't take vacation days this past week, I'd lose them). It began with another job rejection: this one, I was really hopeful for, and it might've been a quasi-dream job. Well, in any case, I'm numb to rejections now. It's been a year of them. I ended up applying for a "lesser" job, because I've got a contact there. Doubtful I'll even get it (these things are competitive), but even if I do, I'll wake up each morning and realize that I'm not where I want to be.

I've also been on a string of bad dates. I won't belabor the details. What I'm realizing is that, due to previous depression, I foolishly pushed away my ex-wife, the one person who's ever cared about me ... and now she's so much better off without me directly in her life that it's mind-boggling. Her career's taken off; she literally just fulfilled her childhood dream; and, of course, she has guys throwing themselves at her. Naturally, we offer each other advice, since we're still best friends. I know it's not a competition, but still: she's winning. Today, I floated her a $100 Amazon gift card to buy something for her and our dog. I don't even know why. At least it resulted in some positive good.

I have 8 months left before my lease expires and I have to move back home with my parents. I can't do that. I don't have a close relationship with them, and I couldn't deal with that constant, overwhelming feeling of abject failure. I'm fantasizing about "disappearing" -- which I intentionally put in scare quotes. I just want to empty my investment account and Roth IRA and move to some random place in Eastern Europe, anywhere, and just start fresh.

First of all, eight months is a long, long time. I know the job hunt has been frustrating but you've still got a big chunk of time to keep working at finding something. Plus the advantage of home is that there's no lease - you can move out as soon as you're able to.

I've never been married so I have zilch relevant perspective, but I'm very curious - is being friends with your ex-wife a good thing? How is it possible to stay so close without it hurting?

I have an overwhelming urge to quit my job, live until I run out of money, and then kill myself. I am unhappy but I have no right to be, I feel bad because I know a lot of people have it worse. I really don't understand why I feel this way. I don't like my job anymore but I realize that it's an OK job, I don't have the energy or willpower to find and start a new one, all I want to do is nothing. The idea of doing anything makes me feel tired. My family rarely talks to me anymore because I refused to cosign some loans and I feel like I have no one to talk to and no one cares whether I'm alive or not. When I lay down to sleep all I can think about is how to die and it keeps me up for hours.

To have my own place and a decent job is all I ever wanted and worked toward when I was growing up and in college, and now that I have it, I feel worse than I've ever felt. I have no ambition, no future, no drive to accomplish anything else. At this point I feel like the only thing I'm living for are new game releases that I get excited about and decide to stick around for.

tariniel, have you considered pursuing mental health treatment? There is more in life that can fulfill you, it's a matter of getting help building back up to a point where you can find sources of meaning and purpose. I'm sorry things are so tough at present. Your pain is no more or less legitimate than anyone else's - what matters is your experience, not arbitrary metrics of mine vs yours. There will always be someone who has it better and someone who has it worse. I delayed my own treatment for a period because I didn't feel my problems were "real" enough. I finally had sense talked into me. They were real to me. Your problems are real to you. Your suffering is real to you. What other requirement is there?

You know what hasnt been good for my mental health? My SO of 1.5 years broke up with me for poorly explained reasons and I think she pretended it was just a break for at least a week, considering everything we had been through I feel really hurt about it. It's been over a month and I'm feeling a range of emotions, anger, bitterness, jealously, sorrow and at least seriously depressed twice. Just trying to make it through, Tuesday is metal gear so that will at least distract me for a bit.

Breakups are hell, sasliquid, and it's something that's undoubtedly going to take at least several months to get over. If things remain very tough I encourage you to consider seeking therapy. Are you still in touch with your ex?

We are on the same boat here. It's almost scary how similiar our stories are.

I'm currently doing my best not to think about her. I spent the weekend with friends at a smash tournament and it was so much fun. I also have been chatting with random girls on Tinder and it helps more than I thought. Makes me feel wanted in a way. Maybe that would distract you too?

Spoiler

But it didn't help that I dreamed about her and I'm feeling shitty again.

That sounds like progress, DKQ, and I'm glad to hear it. The shitty feelings will surely come and go, but if you were able to get your mind off of things even temporarily I'd consider that a huge achievement

I concur. Ally, your ex is treating you like shit. And the whole "I might date you if you completely change for me" approach is really rotten. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is distance yourself from her so you have the space needed to get over those feelings. Unrequited love can tear you to shreds.

I agree as well, Ally. I do not know her nor you so I cannot rightly say what her intentions are and whether or not they're true, but it seems best at this time to take space, jump into the abyss and learn to live your life for its own sake, to be your own person. You may have to spend time figuring out who that person is.

<3

 

[Astral Dog]

There's always going to be someone worse off than you are. That doesn't invalidate your suffering. Pain is still pain.

.

 

[sasliquid]

Breakups are hell, sasliquid, and it's something that's undoubtedly going to take at least several months to get over. If things remain very tough I encourage you to consider seeking therapy. Are you still in touch with your ex?

I've been lucky to get therapy but for the few years but I have been seeing my therapist more regularly due to all this.

Me and my ex spoke a week after the break up but it quickly became apparent that while we had agreed to go on a break, she had just been using that as an excuse for a full on break up. Haven't really spoken since but she messaged me twice, once to say thank for the birthday presents I had already bought her and once because she needed a phone number. She thanked me with a smiley face with the latter which I think was too friendly, like she was taunting me.

In reality I was too good for her, she's two years younger than me and her relative immaturity shows. I supported her through some really bad depression for over a year but she had been pushing herself away from me and acting passive agressive (maybe due to her BPD). Really annoyed me that after everything I don't think she wasn't honest about the nature of the break up and didn't do it to my face. I will probably see her next month as we have mutual friends at university which kind of makes me anxious.

Despite all of this though she made me feel important and now everytime I see anything remotely sexual or related to her I get a little upset. I really did love her and she was the best anti-depressant I ever had.