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[zsswimmer]

Cya gaf

 

[Ally of Justice]

oh god, im not sure how to tell you this but you deserve better than her, she has no problem dating someone else while leaving you alone to fix your issues, she is not helping but just saying vague promises that may change one day.

you are not going to get better like this ,need to change , so someday can become a better person and find someone that appreciates you, both your girlfriend and family arent doing that.

I concur. Ally, your ex is treating you like shit. And the whole "I might date you if you completely change for me" approach is really rotten. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is distance yourself from her so you have the space needed to get over those feelings. Unrequited love can tear you to shreds.

I agree as well, Ally. I do not know her nor you so I cannot rightly say what her intentions are and whether or not they're true, but it seems best at this time to take space, jump into the abyss and learn to live your life for its own sake, to be your own person. You may have to spend time figuring out who that person is.

Thanks but... truly is a hard situation when I can't think of a life without her, nor a motivation to even live. I know the situation doesn't look good, and actually that's why I told her I don't see her as a friend.

I know I have to change, and I really want to, but now, even that person who I want to be, that confident and successful guy that I want to be, is linked to her.

 

[jb1234]

Thanks but... truly is a hard situation when I can't think of a life without her, nor a motivation to even live. I know the situation doesn't look good, and actually that's why I told her I don't see her as a friend.

I know I have to change, and I really want to, but now, even that person who I want to be, that confident and successful guy that I want to be, is linked to her.

Consider therapy, dude. It could really help you. Even if you two did get together, your self-worth is so wrapped up in her that it wouldn't be a healthy situation.

 

[bronkonagurski]

New month, fresh start. Nowhere to go but up.

I tell myself that every month, maybe this time it will work.

 

[la flama blanca]

I was taking an antianxiety(remeron) for a while and to be honest was only taking it because it helped me gain weight(im a skinny fuck). I stopped taking it because my urine was becoming overwhelmingly discolored and had too much dry mouth. Going back to being skinnier is really depressing.

 

[GamerJM]

I can't tell if I like my therapist or not. I've been seeing her for almost a month and a half now, at first I seemed to like her because she seemed to know what she was talking about and gave me good advice. She still does but the one thing that I find offputting about her that I've realized is that she seems kind of angry/frustrated at my a lot of the time. Like, today I went over an average day with her, and when I was done explaining a typical day she said in a frustrated tone "So....you do nothing basically?!". Like, uh, yeah, I'm a depressed unemployed college student, it's Summer, and the university doesn't offer any Summer classes that I need to take, what do you think I do?

 

[MisterLuffy]

I tried doing the stats homework, but failed miserably in trying to answer questions. I don't understand what the questions asking. It's frustrating because I have a homework due and a quiz this Friday. I went to the instructor to ask for help and advice, she told me I didn't get much exposure with these kinds of problems. She said its normal, but it's irritating me when I can't figure these questions out.

 

[Team Alucard]

I skipped class today for the 3rd time this semester. I'm not worried about falling behind as I've already done all the homework and readings for like the first month of the curriculum, but sometimes it's frightening how lethargic I've become. My gym's pool re-opened 3 days ago after being closed for maintenance the past two weeks, but I've yet to work up the motivation to go back to swimming. Even reading a book is too much effort, something I tried to do today and I got through maybe 20 pages before going back to sleep.

The only thing I can get myself out of bed for anymore is work, further reinforcing the fact that the only thing I care about in life is money. I think I need a demanding career that I can just throw myself into. Become a workaholic who's too busy to have the time to think about how miserable he is.

 

[Pau]

I tried doing the stats homework, but failed miserably in trying to answer questions. I don't understand what the questions asking. It's frustrating because I have a homework due and a quiz this Friday. I went to the instructor to ask for help and advice, she told me I didn't get much exposure with these kinds of problems. She said its normal, but it's irritating me when I can't figure these questions out.

What statistics class is it?

 

[MisterLuffy]

What statistics class is it?

Probability and Statistics with Computing

 

[chiimisu]

I've been thinking about future research theme since the middle of my freshman year. I've decided on it, I was thinking about how can I make it interesting and what can I write.

Now I'm entering sophomore year, and today I've talked to the only one Japanese literature professor of our department. She said, well, that my theme is "Marginal, such as all those new genres... Science fiction, all that" "Not topical" and adviced me to take on something more "great and timeless". Her scientific interests is feminist Japanese literature of the 20th century, and, well, our interests don't quite match.
I didn't think I will be so crushed by her refusal. I guess I'm done with literature research, and I'll try to take on linguistics then. Buuuut. I feel so so bad. With her refusal, it means that I can't go on with my research theme until masters. If I'll be lucky enough. I just don't get it, what was wrong? There weren't any researches on my theme in this country. At all. So it might be actually interesting and something fresh, but she didn't give me a chance because of HER OWN tastes. I mean, wtf...

I've been lying on the bed doing nothing for the past 3 hours. I know it's stupid to be so upset because of only one failure, but I can't help but feel myself dumb and helpless. Am I good at anything at all? Probably not. I've been so energetic and happy for past four days, but now I feel like depression is sneaking up on me again.

 

[Pau]

Probability and Statistics with Computing

Done Probability and Statistics stuff. Done computing stuff. But never together. D:

I've been thinking about future research theme since the middle of my freshman year. I've decided on it, I was thinking about how can I make it interesting and what can I write.

Now I'm entering sophomore year, and today I've talked to the only one Japanese literature professor of our department. She said, well, that my theme is "Marginal, such as all those new genres... Science fiction, all that" "Not topical" and adviced me to take on something more "great and timeless". Her scientific interests is feminist Japanese literature of the 20th century, and, well, our interests don't quite match.
I didn't think I will be so crushed by her refusal. I guess I'm done with literature research, and I'll try to take on linguistics then. Buuuut. I feel so so bad. With her refusal, it means that I can't go on with my research theme until masters. If I'll be lucky enough. I just don't get it, what was wrong? There weren't any researches on my theme in this country. At all. So it might be actually interesting and something fresh, but she didn't give me a chance because of HER OWN tastes. I mean, wtf...

I've been lying on the bed doing nothing for the past 3 hours. I know it's stupid to be so upset because of only one failure, but I can't help but feel myself dumb and helpless. Am I good at anything at all? Probably not. I've been so energetic and happy for past four days, but now I feel like depression is sneaking up on me again.

What was your research topic? It sucks that she completely ignores particular genres. Maybe you should introduce her to feminist science fiction. In any case, I tend to do research on dorky things like superheroes and video games but I always make sure to come to a professor with a clear argument and thesis grounded in other research. Perhaps you can figure out a way to work with your theme/genre of choice using a particular theory, etc.?

 

[chiimisu]

What was your research topic? It sucks that she completely ignores particular genres. Maybe you should introduce her to feminist science fiction. In any case, I tend to do research on dorky things like superheroes and video games but I always make sure to come to a professor with a clear argument and thesis grounded in other research. Perhaps you can figure out a way to work with your theme/genre of choice using a particular theory, etc.?

No, probably not. I mentioned to her that I'd be interested in doing research on Japanese detective and mystery novels; their unique to Japan archetypes, tropes, influence on modern media and such. But the second I mentioned the genres she was all like "NO NO NO". Meh, I guess I'll stick to linguistics. :/

 

[zeemumu]

This sounds....GREAT. You seriously put a smile on my face. Even that little, tiny, minuscule feeling of progress can be so wonderful. I hope you keep working on it, zeemumu, and I hope things continue to trend upwards What do you think has given you the greater "okay" feeling? Learning to be more independent?

For what it's worth birthdays almost always put me in a bad mood. Too much pressure to make something of it. This year's birthday was one of my best because I didn't tell anyone and didn't do anything special. Just tried to have a decent normal day.

I stopped caring about birthdays a while back and just started spending them on my own. As for the okay feeling, I don't know. It's just a lot easier for me to get used to things. I've kinda settled into a mindset that's less poisonous to my outlook on life. Basically spent months poking holes in the belief that my self-worth was connected to how many people I had around me and how much other people showed that they cared. For starters, that undermines the point of self-worth. It's called self-worth, not "only if that guy says I'm cool"-worth. It's easy to poke holes in the bullshit that my depressed mind was feeding me, but it takes work to maintain it and keep those holes from rebuilding themselves.

 

[Team Alucard]

I can't sleep. =/

I keep thinking about the handgun under my bed and how easy it would be to just end it.

 

[Pau]

No, probably not. I mentioned to her that I'd be interested in doing research on Japanese detective and mystery novels; their unique to Japan archetypes, tropes, influence on modern media and such. But the second I mentioned the genres she was all like "NO NO NO". Meh, I guess I'll stick to linguistics. :/

Wow. I really don't see how that's a no? I mean, it'd be one thing if you were like: "I want to study anime!" or something without a clear goal in mind, but focusing on detective/mystery novels sounds like it could have quite a lot of cool stuff to think and write about!

Is there no other teacher in the department you can speak to?

 

[DrM]

Guys and gals, have a nice few days with as little issues as possible.

 

[Hylian7]

I posted last week that I had my first on-site interview scheduled for last Friday since I had lost my last job in May. Well on Thursday they told me they got busy in the office and had to postpone it. Today they email me and tell me they can't move forward with me for the position. I email them back and ask why and they said it was because a Senior programmer left and they are focused on filling that position. I feel like that's a lie and they just figured out that I was completely worthless and realize I'm not worth the trouble.

I honestly wish I could just not exist sometimes. This was the closest I have come to getting a new job since then, and I still have yet to get a single fucking on-site interview. I'm completely fucking worthless. I really wish I didn't exist.

 

[99hertz]

I can't sleep. =/

I keep thinking about the handgun under my bed and how easy it would be to just end it.

I'm for guns but this is my great fear. Go stay with someone or stay in a motel. Take a walk, go to Walmart, you can stay in the parking lot overnight. Buy some fast-food and give some to a homeless guy or a hungry dog. That's what I do a lot of the times the same happens to me and I don't have a gun.

 

[DiddysKongQuest]

Shitty feeling is back full force. She spent the last evening with the dude she went to the cinema with. Of course she said that nothing happened, but I'm not buying it. Very close to write "fuck you" and block her. It destroys me how quickly the new guy is there and how irrelevant I already am.

 

[chiimisu]

Wow. I really don't see how that's a no? I mean, it'd be one thing if you were like: "I want to study anime!" or something without a clear goal in mind, but focusing on detective/mystery novels sounds like it could have quite a lot of cool stuff to think and write about!

Is there no other teacher in the department you can speak to?

She pretty much said it's a "low genre" she's not interested in and that isn't worth researching.
The saddest part is that she's the only literature specialist in our department. No one else can take responsibility and/or supervise me.
I guess I have two possible outcomes - 1) I still work on this in my free time, gather information and interest her somehow (rather unlikely) 2) I give up on my literature researcher career, lol. Neither are too satisfactory, but ah well. I'm here to study the language in the first place, after all.

 

[Cizeta-Moroder]

It sounds like you're in a very tough place, Cizeta-Moroder. Do you have a good sense of what's got you there? Sorry things are so tough.

Thanks for taking the time to respond to my nonsense rambling (again). I really can't describe my issue though. My rants always seem so ridiculous and unrecognizable in retrospect.

 

[Sirpopopop]

So I finally saw the psychiatrist.

Good old depression. Yay.

 

[aerts1js]

Shitty feeling is back full force. She spent the last evening with the dude she went to the cinema with. Of course she said that nothing happened, but I'm not buying it. Very close to write "fuck you" and block her. It destroys me how quickly the new guy is there and how irrelevant I already am.

I was in a similar position; the biggest "fuck you" that you could do would just to block her without saying anything and do your best to move on with your life.

edit: and trust me, whatever you do don't go on any "dates" or hang out with the ex... it was a massive mistake I made once in that situation. I'm not sure if you have done anything like that yet; you will be tempted to.. trust me.

 

[Saiyan-Rox]

Been in a really happy mood the past week or so but now once again i;m starting to go down and down :/ I have a feeling its because my Bday is coming up and i'm not too keen on the whole thing because I don't feel like im worth fussing over for the whole day but I don't know.

And of course now i'm starting to feel down again, all those thoughts of having an awful uneventful life where all I do is go to work and come home every day never having been on a date or even had a female interested in me in some manner and seeing all my old friends abandon me because they're all settling down and i'm still going like i'm in my mid teens (i'm 25 on Sunday)

i'm not mentally able to do things that make my life better it seems, my mind just won't let me. I have anxiety so I don't go out drinking because it sets me off. I have very severe self hate to the point when I was having counseling she gave up as it was so imprinted in my head she saw no way to get out of it. I used to use gaming as an escape from reality but as I get older I just can't be arsed with them anymore and yet I keep buying them and never bothering to play them....I dunno how much money i've wasted on pointless tat and games that I don't use or play maybe it's a copping mechanism idk

My whole life seems like a cesspool of shit with the worst luck imaginable and no real future ahead :/ I should be with a girl settling down but nope I'm all by myself all the time.


I just don't know what to do ><

EDIT: I don't even think that makes sense...Lol, sorry.

 

[Team Alucard]

I'm for guns but this is my great fear. Go stay with someone or stay in a motel. Take a walk, go to Walmart, you can stay in the parking lot overnight. Buy some fast-food and give some to a homeless guy or a hungry dog. That's what I do a lot of the times the same happens to me and I don't have a gun.

Hah. The funny thing is I'm completely anti-gun, I only bought one specifically to kill myself. Generally what helps calm me down is reminding myself of my life insurance policy. I could end it now, or I could tough it out for another 15 months and leave my family with $100,000. The money is my only motivation to continue living.

 

[demon]

My first day out of my shitty call center job of 5+ years (7 at the company). Was paid my unused time off money to leave, too. Feels good man.

 

[DiddysKongQuest]

I was in a similar position; the biggest "fuck you" that you could do would just to block her without saying anything and do your best to move on with your life.

edit: and trust me, whatever you do don't go on any "dates" or hang out with the ex... it was a massive mistake I made once in that situation. I'm not sure if you have done anything like that yet; you will be tempted to.. trust me.

Today I cancelled our date and deleted her number from my phone afterwards.

My best friends and my brother (and gaf) think it's better to not see or text her as my condition would only get worse. And they are absolutely right with that. I felt like shit after our date last week and it would most likely happen again on Thursday. I also know that I would definitely text her when I'm drunk enough.

 

[jb1234]

Today I cancelled our date and deleted her number from my phone afterwards.

My best friends and my brother (and gaf) think it's better to not see or text her as my condition would only get worse. And they are absolutely right with that. I felt like shit after our date last week and it would most likely happen again on Thursday. I also know that I would definitely text her when I'm drunk enough.

I think you made the right choice. Let us know how things go.

 

[dofry]

It's night time and I do not want to bother my friends again when I feel a bit down.
It comes and goes so no need to always share it.

So enter GAF. I'll write a bit and usually that makes me feel better. A bit of here and there ramblings that might be unrelated.

Might be a bit long but what the heck. Better to pour out than to keep in. Bottled is bad am I right?

I already know that most of my day/night anxiety is due to my unemployment status and the unclear future I have inside my head.
I have applied for jobs as I am graduating soon but the wait is killing me.
And I know I will feel better immediately when I have something to look forward to.
I’ve been tinkering and working to achieve a position by created my web pages, scouring the web, emailing contacts, had a job interview with a “we really like what you do. wait for our contact”, and I’ve been completing other tasks I normally postpone because I stress about them. Remove stressful things from the list is the best approach as we all agree.
I’ll be fine but I just can’t stop thinking this near future. Shit inside my head is full-blown negativity man. I’m scared. What if I don’t make it? I need something else to fill my head with.

I am trying to watch movies or tv-series but I stop half way and search a new one. If I can finish a movie, the thoughts rush right back in.
I took a walk but that did not seem to help. I exercised a bit already during the day so I should feel more tired already.

Any meditation tips? Sometimes I use the “think about your limbs, chest, head, etc becoming heavy”
Would like to know other easy methods of emptying ones mind as I like that method.

On a different note I have been avoiding dating for over a year now. I do not seek anyone and try to avoid any relationships.
That is because I want to work in another country, do not accept substitutes anymore, and thus I do not want to leave anyone behind.
I do not meet people that really interest me anyway so it’s easy currently.
Is that stupid?
I know that when I fall in love my feet disappear underneath and there is no stopping after that.

Kind of related to to the previous I do have some new people anxiety. A fabulous girl might totally stop me in my tracks and make me lose my words, and I might appear a bit quiet at times as I prefer not to small talk, but mostly I hack through with sheer willpower to perform. Not always beautifully, sometimes not at all but I try. I acknowledge this problem and to combat that I am being more open. People often say that I am not shy at all but that is not always the case. Saying what I really mean is sometimes hard and I fear negativity towards me. I am being too nice sometimes. I have no problem speaking to an auditorium full of people, or sing karaoke to a full bar. Those have been my ways of trying to improve. Funnily, I promised to participate to next years Air Guitar competition just to get some experiences no matter how scared I am of it. I already tried to a full bar as part of some event. Hard work.
Better to try than to always wish you would have?

So, I’ve been back in my home country for a year and a half now and no matter how much I love the silence, the nature, my friends and everything in here, I do not feel like I belong anymore. The world caught be my surprise and I have issues staying put. My own apartment feels like a prison sometimes so I leave it and try to stay away until I have to return. In my anxious state of mind I also sold most of the things I own so that I can leave this place as soon as I can. I am preparing to move even though I have nowhere to go to yet. I sleep on the floor on a mattress because I also sold the bed.
Is this strange?

Sometimes it is great though. Sauna, laughing with friends, good food and all that, but every other day I think about where I need to be and I feel impatient. I do not want to be here and it’s killing me.

Anyway, I wrote a bit from my heart and feel a bit better. I do like writing. Gather my thoughts. Comment if you want and ask if you have anything to say. I am here until I feel tired. Might be an hour, might be five.

 

[Bel Marduk]

I'm a fucking idiot for posting something without fact-checking.

 

[99hertz]

Hah. The funny thing is I'm completely anti-gun, I only bought one specifically to kill myself. Generally what helps calm me down is reminding myself of my life insurance policy. I could end it now, or I could tough it out for another 15 months and leave my family with $100,000. The money is my only motivation to continue living.

Why do you want to do it?

 

[Piano]

I've been lucky to get therapy but for the few years but I have been seeing my therapist more regularly due to all this.

Me and my ex spoke a week after the break up but it quickly became apparent that while we had agreed to go on a break, she had just been using that as an excuse for a full on break up. Haven't really spoken since but she messaged me twice, once to say thank for the birthday presents I had already bought her and once because she needed a phone number. She thanked me with a smiley face with the latter which I think was too friendly, like she was taunting me.

In reality I was too good for her, she's two years younger than me and her relative immaturity shows. I supported her through some really bad depression for over a year but she had been pushing herself away from me and acting passive agressive (maybe due to her BPD). Really annoyed me that after everything I don't think she wasn't honest about the nature of the break up and didn't do it to my face. I will probably see her next month as we have mutual friends at university which kind of makes me anxious.

Despite all of this though she made me feel important and now everytime I see anything remotely sexual or related to her I get a little upset. I really did love her and she was the best anti-depressant I ever had.

sasliquid, getting past the hard feelings of a breakup takes a lot of time. It's only been a month, and I'm sure if you were to compare your present mindset with where you were a month ago you'd see at least some progress. The progress isn't always constant, sometimes it comes suddenly, other times it seems to not come at all for a little while. But as long as you keep marching on and continue to learn about who you are and what you need you'll become just that bit more independent and self-sufficient and just that bit more prepared to make your next relationship a good one.

It's tempting to bury our head in the sand and wait for our next anti-depressant to walk into our lives but we learn very little that way. We end up wanting to date ideals and ideas instead of people.

I believe in you, and I hope you are able to find something to keep you motivated in this tough time. In the mean time I would encourage you to keep contact to an absolute minimum or none at all if possible. I'm not saying you can NEVER get back in touch, but for the forseeable future space is probably what's best.

Cya gaf

I don't know how to take this post, zsswimmer, other than to think you're on the brink of doing something dire. If you're thinking of harming yourself please, please seek emergency care or call a suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255). Please.

Thanks but... truly is a hard situation when I can't think of a life without her, nor a motivation to even live. I know the situation doesn't look good, and actually that's why I told her I don't see her as a friend.

I know I have to change, and I really want to, but now, even that person who I want to be, that confident and successful guy that I want to be, is linked to her.

It's linked to her for now. But it doesn't have to always be that way. And it'll improve your relationships the more it's independent of your romantic life. I strongly urge you to seek therapy if you feel you're not able to find the motivation to live, as a therapist can help you unpack the situation and figure out where to go next. See what I said to sasliquid above - these things take time. Awful, shitty, difficult time. No two ways around it. I hope we or something else can offer you some solace.

New month, fresh start. Nowhere to go but up.

I tell myself that every month, maybe this time it will work.

Does it work even sometimes? What's the difference between when it works and when it doesn't?

I was taking an antianxiety(remeron) for a while and to be honest was only taking it because it helped me gain weight(im a skinny fuck). I stopped taking it because my urine was becoming overwhelmingly discolored and had too much dry mouth. Going back to being skinnier is really depressing.

Have you tried lifting weights? I've traditionally been underweight and starting some weight training helped me put on ~15lbs over a few months.

I can't tell if I like my therapist or not. I've been seeing her for almost a month and a half now, at first I seemed to like her because she seemed to know what she was talking about and gave me good advice. She still does but the one thing that I find offputting about her that I've realized is that she seems kind of angry/frustrated at my a lot of the time. Like, today I went over an average day with her, and when I was done explaining a typical day she said in a frustrated tone "So....you do nothing basically?!". Like, uh, yeah, I'm a depressed unemployed college student, it's Summer, and the university doesn't offer any Summer classes that I need to take, what do you think I do?

Have you brought up these concerns with your therapist? I've found being direct with my therapists about my issues with them to be very enlightening; not only does it get my concerns off of my chest, it's very interesting to see how they react. Gives me a better sense of how accepting they are and how much they're really getting to know me instead of repeating platitudes.

I skipped class today for the 3rd time this semester. I'm not worried about falling behind as I've already done all the homework and readings for like the first month of the curriculum, but sometimes it's frightening how lethargic I've become. My gym's pool re-opened 3 days ago after being closed for maintenance the past two weeks, but I've yet to work up the motivation to go back to swimming. Even reading a book is too much effort, something I tried to do today and I got through maybe 20 pages before going back to sleep.

The only thing I can get myself out of bed for anymore is work, further reinforcing the fact that the only thing I care about in life is money. I think I need a demanding career that I can just throw myself into. Become a workaholic who's too busy to have the time to think about how miserable he is.

Maybe work is the only thing you can get out of bed for because it's the only thing you really "HAVE" to go to? Or the obligation for which there is the highest penalty for missing? Do you get up every day and decide whether or not to go to class? My attendance was worst the semesters when every day was a decision. Not that it's something you can control or flip on and off instantaneously - but it's an interesting factor to consider.

I stopped caring about birthdays a while back and just started spending them on my own. As for the okay feeling, I don't know. It's just a lot easier for me to get used to things. I've kinda settled into a mindset that's less poisonous to my outlook on life. Basically spent months poking holes in the belief that my self-worth was connected to how many people I had around me and how much other people showed that they cared. For starters, that undermines the point of self-worth. It's called self-worth, not "only if that guy says I'm cool"-worth. It's easy to poke holes in the bullshit that my depressed mind was feeding me, but it takes work to maintain it and keep those holes from rebuilding themselves.

I'm glad you've been able to poke holes in some of that bullshit, zeemumu, I'm definitely still working on it! What sorts of new things have you been able to connect your self-worth to? Personally I've felt better about tying some of it to striving for unconditional compassion, which (hopefully) doesn't factor in how people react.

Guys and gals, have a nice few days with as little issues as possible.

You too, DrM, hope you get some good rest

I posted last week that I had my first on-site interview scheduled for last Friday since I had lost my last job in May. Well on Thursday they told me they got busy in the office and had to postpone it. Today they email me and tell me they can't move forward with me for the position. I email them back and ask why and they said it was because a Senior programmer left and they are focused on filling that position. I feel like that's a lie and they just figured out that I was completely worthless and realize I'm not worth the trouble.

I honestly wish I could just not exist sometimes. This was the closest I have come to getting a new job since then, and I still have yet to get a single fucking on-site interview. I'm completely fucking worthless. I really wish I didn't exist.

Hylian7, surely you can see how extreme your thinking is? You're having a bit of trouble finding a job, yes, and while it is frustrating, demoralizing, monotonous and fraught with anxiety it is in no way a condemnation of your worth as a human being. Not only can our sense of worth be built by so many other things outside of work, you're still looking for a job, which can take time to pan out for many, many folks. Are all of them worthless, too? If not, what's the difference between them and you?

Catastrophic thinking can make everything seem miserably awful. I'm sorry you're having a tough time.

Thanks for taking the time to respond to my nonsense rambling (again). I really can't describe my issue though. My rants always seem so ridiculous and unrecognizable in retrospect.

Of course, C-M. I didn't think it was ridiculous, and hope you come back to share more whenever you feel comfortable and compelled.

So I finally saw the psychiatrist.

Good old depression. Yay.

Is there any feeling of relief in receiving a diagnosis?

Been in a really happy mood the past week or so but now once again i;m starting to go down and down :/ I have a feeling its because my Bday is coming up and i'm not too keen on the whole thing because I don't feel like im worth fussing over for the whole day but I don't know.

And of course now i'm starting to feel down again, all those thoughts of having an awful uneventful life where all I do is go to work and come home every day never having been on a date or even had a female interested in me in some manner and seeing all my old friends abandon me because they're all settling down and i'm still going like i'm in my mid teens (i'm 25 on Sunday)

i'm not mentally able to do things that make my life better it seems, my mind just won't let me. I have anxiety so I don't go out drinking because it sets me off. I have very severe self hate to the point when I was having counseling she gave up as it was so imprinted in my head she saw no way to get out of it. I used to use gaming as an escape from reality but as I get older I just can't be arsed with them anymore and yet I keep buying them and never bothering to play them....I dunno how much money i've wasted on pointless tat and games that I don't use or play maybe it's a copping mechanism idk

My whole life seems like a cesspool of shit with the worst luck imaginable and no real future ahead :/ I should be with a girl settling down but nope I'm all by myself all the time.


I just don't know what to do ><

EDIT: I don't even think that makes sense...Lol, sorry.

Yes, your post totally makes sense.
If your counselor gave up, Rox598, then it sounds to me like it's time to move onto a different counselor. Your problems and suffering are not untreatable, period.

In the mean time, perhaps you can start recognizing the times when you're buying things out of anxiety or unhappiness, write them down and pledge to decide whether or not to buy them only once you feel better? This has helped me. Instead, you can sit with the feelings of unhappiness or suffering and feel them rather than try to avoid them. I've saved TONS of money doing this...seriously.

Also, happy-preemptive birthday. I'm 25 now (woohoo!) and I can tell you you've got plenty of time to figure out where to point your life next. The real metric isn't where we are but whether we feel we've made progress - so the sooner you can feel that you have, the sooner you will feel more confident in your life.

My first day out of my shitty call center job of 5+ years (7 at the company). Was paid my unused time off money to leave, too. Feels good man.

Today I cancelled our date and deleted her number from my phone afterwards.

My best friends and my brother (and gaf) think it's better to not see or text her as my condition would only get worse. And they are absolutely right with that. I felt like shit after our date last week and it would most likely happen again on Thursday. I also know that I would definitely text her when I'm drunk enough.

I think you made a good decision, DKQ. A difficult decision but a good decision.
It helps me to set checkpoints. "go one week without calling her." Then get to the end and set another checkpoint.

Anyway, I wrote a bit from my heart and feel a bit better. I do like writing. Gather my thoughts. Comment if you want and ask if you have anything to say. I am here until I feel tired. Might be an hour, might be five.

Thanks for coming in and sharing, dofry. It sounds like you're very aware of your own anxiety and how it affects you, which is a valuable skill. The more you can shine a light on it, learn it, investigate it, the more you can develop ways to work around it and the more it will loosen its control over your life.

For meditation there are many, many, many places to start. There's a great Meditation OT here on GAF which I post in from time to time. I have a couple of different books I could recommend depending on whether you want a to-the-point, nuts and bolts guide to get started quickly or are more interested in a slower-burn book that will give you a deep, deep understanding of the purpose and benefits of meditative practice. What do you think you'd be able to keep up with?

<3

 

[Kipp]

Been stuck in bed the past two days with some stomach virus or something. I can't remember ever feeling so useless and hopeless and alone. Just feeling absolutely miserable and really really wishing I'd just die or something.

On a brighter note, just a few more days until my doctor's appointment when I'll talk to him about getting some anxiety meds, increasing my escitalopram dosage, and getting a referral to a therapist.

 

[Piano]

Been stuck in bed the past two days with some stomach virus or something. I can't remember ever feeling so useless and hopeless and alone. Just feeling absolutely miserable and really really wishing I'd just die or something.

On a brighter note, just a few more days until my doctor's appointment when I'll talk to him about getting some anxiety meds, increasing my escitalopram dosage, and getting a referral to a therapist.

Jeez, that's a drag, Kipp. Nausea / GI problems are my nightmare, but they're inevitable from time to time. I hope you start feeling better soon. Let me know if there's anything I can do, man...

 

[Kipp]

Jeez, that's a drag, Kipp. Nausea / GI problems are my nightmare, but they're inevitable from time to time. I hope you start feeling better soon. Let me know if there's anything I can do, man...

Yeah, it'll pass soon enough, but for now it's just misery. Thanks, Piano.

 

[dofry]

Piano: thanks for the reply, and the replies to all the others at the same time.
I just finished watching a Scientology documentary. Really interesting and disturbing at the same time. Filled my head so that tonight I can just ponder when is Tom Cruise going to leave it.

I am very aware of myself but stopping is hard. I learn it slowly. I used to take meds for a short while, 6 months and I feel they either made my brain a bit twisted or after my earlier crisis in life I just changed as a person.

Anyway about that book, I would like a quick and dirty book version so that I can get started. I kind of need something when I am alone right now more. Later I can focus on the deeper version book with more thought. Will check that thread though. Is youtube any good for audio relaxation? I use rainstorm things but a person talking might be interesting but which ones are good?

 

[jb1234]

Been stuck in bed the past two days with some stomach virus or something. I can't remember ever feeling so useless and hopeless and alone. Just feeling absolutely miserable and really really wishing I'd just die or something.

On a brighter note, just a few more days until my doctor's appointment when I'll talk to him about getting some anxiety meds, increasing my escitalopram dosage, and getting a referral to a therapist.

Hang in there, buddy! When I'm bedridden, I play games on my phone. I've been going through the Dragon Quest games this way on my especially bad days. It doesn't necessarily make the suffering less but it helps me feel like I'm at least *doing* something, which does wonders for my mental health.

 

[Kipp]

Hang in there, buddy! When I'm bedridden, I play games on my phone. I've been going through the Dragon Quest games this way on my especially bad days. It doesn't necessarily make the suffering less but it helps me feel like I'm at least *doing* something, which does wonders for my mental health.

Thanks, jb!
The worst part is that even just laying in bed on my laptop is exhausting. Thanks for the tip though.

 

[MisterLuffy]

I feel like dropping my math class, the homework is too hard. But whats the point when I have to eventually take that class. Again, its infuriating when I can't answer these questions for homework.

 

[Piano]

Piano: thanks for the reply, and the replies to all the others at the same time.
I just finished watching a Scientology documentary. Really interesting and disturbing at the same time. Filled my head so that tonight I can just ponder when is Tom Cruise going to leave it.

I am very aware of myself but stopping is hard. I learn it slowly. I used to take meds for a short while, 6 months and I feel they either made my brain a bit twisted or after my earlier crisis in life I just changed as a person.

Anyway about that book, I would like a quick and dirty book version so that I can get started. I kind of need something when I am alone right now more. Later I can focus on the deeper version book with more thought. Will check that thread though. Is youtube any good for audio relaxation? I use rainstorm things but a person talking might be interesting but which ones are good?

Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation is a good introduction to several types of meditation and comes with a CD of pretty good guided meditations. It's structured as a 28 day program but I don't think it really works like that - you could spend months with the activities described in each chapter and still see plenty of progress. She also recommends 20 minutes twice a week or something like that at first, whereas I found it more helpful to do slightly shorter meditations more often, every day if you can (think 10-15 minutes). The guided meditations that are included are about 15-20 minutes in length.

Another great, great, GREAT book that is VERY straightforward and easy to understand is Mindfulness in Plain English. Very lightweight and understandable, minimal amounts of mumbo jumbo. Focuses on just one thing (Mindfulness) so it goes into more depth than the first book. I find it's important to understand the reasoning behind WHY meditation and mindfulness are beneficial to best understand how to work on them.

Honestly, if it's not too much, it wouldn't be a bad idea to get both and see which book's style works better for you. They're both quite cheap on Amazon. Seriously, I can't decide which is a better intro.

As for guided meditations on YouTube...there are some good ones, there are also some good meditation podcasts, but again, meditation can mean a bunch of different things. Here is a good basic 15 minute meditation on breath that I've used a lot. There are also some good body scans on YouTube. Again, it depends on what you're looking for, what length, and whose style you learn works for you.

I feel like dropping my math class, the homework is too hard. But whats the point when I have to eventually take that class. Again, its infuriating when I can't answer these questions for homework.

Is there any way you could get a tutor whom you could meet with regularly? Often schools offer tutoring services for many classes.

 

[MisterLuffy]

Is there any way you could get a tutor whom you could meet with regularly? Often schools offer tutoring services for many classes.

I have to wait on September 9 to see if they have a tutor for that class.

 

[zeemumu]

I'm glad you've been able to poke holes in some of that bullshit, zeemumu, I'm definitely still working on it! What sorts of new things have you been able to connect your self-worth to? Personally I've felt better about tying some of it to striving for unconditional compassion, which (hopefully) doesn't factor in how people react.

Linking it to progress relative to my own path in life instead of connecting it to someone else's. I'd always see my friends talk about how well they're doing in their majors without ever taking into account the different path that goes along with their major. It may be easier, or it may be harder, so it doesn't make sense to compare it to my own. I don't have the same advantages/disadvantages as other people, so I can't play this game in the same way. Can't get discouraged because things aren't going exactly the same.

What I'd really like to solve is being more social without seeming desperate for company. People can smell desperation a mile away. I'm able to be happy on my own, but I'd still like to be able to social, and I think I can be social.

 

[User 479360]

I went to a baseball game last night, and my team's been on fire. Of course, the night I went, they lost a close one and it wasn't as exciting as it could've been. They've been doing great and scoring tons of runs.

I was really anxious about them losing, and even though it's just a game it really got me down. It was the only game I'll likely get to this year, and my first in a while, so I was really hoping for the win. But the loss fucked with me, as did the anxiety before/during the game.

I think the friend I went with noticed it, but she's not a huge fan like myself.

My depression has been back the last couple of days, too. I'm fighting a cold and starting to feel like things are a slog again.

I'm also worried, because I started my application for disability this spring, got the medical forms in late June or early July, and gave them to my psychiatrist on the 28th of July. I'd filled out my part, the self-report, and then she said she'd do hers and send it in quickly.

My teeth are shitty and need fillings, and I've been wanting the benefits for that.

But I just got a letter from the disability organization, saying that they've yet to receive my papers and haven't been able to examine my claim as a result. I have until the 21st to get them in, but it's worrying. I was looking forward to hopefully getting on it by September, after the representative who interviewed me told me it was possible, but now that's definitely not looking likely.

I called the mental health clinic, left a message on Saturday and haven't heard back. They'd better not have lost my private info.

 

[Pizza Booty]

I feel like dropping my math class, the homework is too hard. But whats the point when I have to eventually take that class. Again, its infuriating when I can't answer these questions for homework.

I want to drop out of college entirely

I feel depressed and wonder what the meaning of my life is whenever I think about college. It is so expensive and I can hardly see how it is currently going to benefit me. I feel like I'm being forced into a scam

Last night I wanted to change my major but I started to feel depressed because four of the three classes I'm currently taking would end up not going towards my degree.

I'm at a crossroads.

I'm tired of being depressed. Dealing with some other shit but school is only making me question my choices even more. What a fucking scam and it's killing my creativity plus I just moved to attend a new school and currently don't have many friends in the area.

I'm just tired of always feeling shitty in one way or another.

 

[Team Alucard]

Why do you want to do it?

There is nothing in life that brings me any sort of sustained joy or happiness. I have no passion or inspiration, nor any dreams that I even want to pursue. All decisions I make are based entirely on economics and through carefully calculating the path of least resistance. I have manufactured a fake personality over the years, but it's not me, only a fake shell that I project when interacting with others, because there's nothing on the inside.

This is not a recent occurrence either. I have felt this way for as long as I can remember. It's possible that I may have been happy during my childhood, and while I can remember certain events clearly and vividly, I have no recollection of how I actually felt during those years. As far as I can remember emotionally, I have only ever known misery. I truly do believe that some people are simply defective and there's no helping them.

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

Here as in this thread or the math thread? I'm going to try and get a tutor as soon as possible for prob and stat. Hopefully, they're available this semester. I'm looking through problems, and I'm having trouble answering them without using answers to understand how to do the problem. Unfortunately, I lack in problem solving department.

Maybe not in this thread (although I think it's fair game to talk about generalities about what's giving you difficulty), but you can feel free to PM me. Or, maybe post in the math thread, but then link a particular posting here so that we can view it? I really do want to help you, because although I can't offer aid or succor to everyone here who's going through everything from a simple "rough patch" to the most difficult time in their life, I do know stats, and I'd be honored to help you in some small way. I'm sure others feel the same.

First of all, eight months is a long, long time. I know the job hunt has been frustrating but you've still got a big chunk of time to keep working at finding something. Plus the advantage of home is that there's no lease - you can move out as soon as you're able to.

I've never been married so I have zilch relevant perspective, but I'm very curious - is being friends with your ex-wife a good thing? How is it possible to stay so close without it hurting?

You're right, of course. I re-assessed my relationship with her, and while I do value her, I think it's correct that relying upon her as any sort of emotional crutch is counterproductive. Friendship, sure. But I'm going to continue to cultivate friendships here, with people I can actually grab a drink or coffee with, instead. My ex is an important part of my life, and some part of me thinks that we might reconcile when we're both 50, and it's hard to extinguish that thought. And yet it's not something I strive for; I don't pine for her in any respect, and I've severed everything logistically between us save a joint puppy expense account, our "family" cell phone plan, and our shared Netflix/Hulu passwords. Still, critically thinking about it was worth it.

In any case, the job thing's just going to frustrate me and there's nothing I can do about it other than try to mitigate things as best I can. I can't eradicate that feeling; I can, however, constrain it. I tried volunteering for a deployment to Afghanistan yesterday (it's $$$$), but there's none available -- that would've taken my mind off of things! Eight months is a long time, but I need to take solace in the fact that I'm doing nearly everything I can. Take pride in the process, even if you're frustrated with the results, right?

 

[MisterLuffy]

I want to drop out of college entirely

I feel depressed and wonder what the meaning of my life is whenever I think about college. It is so expensive and I can hardly see how it is currently going to benefit me. I feel like I'm being forced into a scam

Last night I wanted to change my major but I started to feel depressed because four of the three classes I'm currently taking would end up not going towards my degree.

I'm at a crossroads.

I'm tired of being depressed. Dealing with some other shit but school is only making me question my choices even more. What a fucking scam and it's killing my creativity plus I just moved to attend a new school and currently don't have many friends in the area.

I'm just tired of always feeling shitty in one way or another.

Yeah, being depressed sucks. Its one of those things that prevents me from progressing. Have you tried signing up for Financial Aid? Its the reason why I'm still at college since they pay off my tuition. It's so expensive that I'm hesitant in taking summer class because one class cost a lot. Without financial aid, I would've stopped going there. I can't change my major at the moment since it's too late to do so and I would have to start from scratch. Hang in there, I wish you the best.

Maybe not in this thread (although I think it's fair game to talk about generalities about what's giving you difficulty), but you can feel free to PM me. Or, maybe post in the math thread, but then link a particular posting here so that we can view it? I really do want to help you, because although I can't offer aid or succor to everyone here who's going through everything from a simple "rough patch" to the most difficult time in their life, I do know stats, and I'd be honored to help you in some small way. I'm sure others feel the same.

I went to the math thread to ask a question relating to the definitions of the terms in the text book I didn't understand, there was one guy who answered my questions but stated at the end, "Just to be clear, I think the idea of this thread is to get help understanding stuff, not to have people do questions for you. Especially since your questions are just definition help, you'd probably be better served by just reading your notes or textbook." So I can't post up questions from the book in that thread since it would consider not helping me understand the problem better.

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

I want to drop out of college entirely

I feel depressed and wonder what the meaning of my life is whenever I think about college. It is so expensive and I can hardly see how it is currently going to benefit me. I feel like I'm being forced into a scam

Last night I wanted to change my major but I started to feel depressed because four of the three classes I'm currently taking would end up not going towards my degree.

I'm at a crossroads.

I'm tired of being depressed. Dealing with some other shit but school is only making me question my choices even more. What a fucking scam and it's killing my creativity plus I just moved to attend a new school and currently don't have many friends in the area.

I'm just tired of always feeling shitty in one way or another.

Objectively, college isn't a scam. If you can't see how it might benefit you compared to a high school diploma, there's raw, falsifiable, peer-reviewed data that should convince you otherwise. The "scam" part inheres in the also pretty-much-true notion that a degree in Sociology isn't as "valuable" as one in Electrical Engineering. Yet, the Sociology grad still earns more, on average, than someone who's only done high school. If money is your sole consideration regarding college, then I implore you to Google this. If you hate college, don't want the social experience, and can't imagine ever taking a course that inspires you -- and you have a passion for a trade, such as heating & air conditioning or metalworking, then dropping out makes sense.

What is your current major? What did you want to change your major to? And, most importantly, what sorts of things do you want to do with your degree?

Killing your creativity is absolutely an important element. And if you can identify something that not only sparks your creativity but is also financially feasible, that's even better! But we need more information.

I will say this, though: the fact that you're at a new school and don't know anyone is the ultimate opportunity to meet new people. Yes, the initial output is ridiculously hard. But, keep in mind, if it's college, a lot of people are new -- either they're just-arrived freshmen or they're transfer students or maybe they're just shy and haven't made friends since. College is, by and large, the best chance to make friendships anyone ever has. Once you're out in the "real" world, it's much harder! Don't give short shrift to the idea that you could find like-minded people there. It sounds stupid and facile, but: a lot of people are "new," and you can use that to your advantage.

I went to a baseball game last night, and my team's been on fire. Of course, the night I went, they lost a close one and it wasn't as exciting as it could've been. They've been doing great and scoring tons of runs.

I was really anxious about them losing, and even though it's just a game it really got me down. It was the only game I'll likely get to this year, and my first in a while, so I was really hoping for the win. But the loss fucked with me, as did the anxiety before/during the game.

I think the friend I went with noticed it, but she's not a huge fan like myself.

My depression has been back the last couple of days, too. I'm fighting a cold and starting to feel like things are a slog again.

I'm also worried, because I started my application for disability this spring, got the medical forms in late June or early July, and gave them to my psychiatrist on the 28th of July. I'd filled out my part, the self-report, and then she said she'd do hers and send it in quickly.

My teeth are shitty and need fillings, and I've been wanting the benefits for that.

But I just got a letter from the disability organization, saying that they've yet to receive my papers and haven't been able to examine my claim as a result. I have until the 21st to get them in, but it's worrying. I was looking forward to hopefully getting on it by September, after the representative who interviewed me told me it was possible, but now that's definitely not looking likely.

I called the mental health clinic, left a message on Saturday and haven't heard back. They'd better not have lost my private info.

Chewie, the Blue Jays should always suck for what they did to my Phillies in 1993.

The reason I'm saying this? It's a game where adult men hit a tiny ball with a giant toothpick while making millions. It doesn't matter. I know you're anxious, but are you even a huge sports fan? I think this might've been a response, rather than a cause, so to speak.

Anyway-- take care of your health first. Mental health is, as this thread evidences, incredibly complicated. By way of contrast, physical health, at least some of it, is easy. If you've got a cold, say you're ill; rest; chicken soup-up; sleep; and drink lots of water. Do that. Explain that you've got something, and everyone in the world understands!

As far as your claim, you have basically 3 more weeks and you've already left a message. Continue to follow up. You're doing everything you can do at this point. The downside of government bureaucracies is their inertia: this stuff happens far too often, and while that's not an excuse, I can tell you that persistence and lots and lots and lots of phone calls can resolve the problem (and is just usually necessary to do so...).

 

[User 479360]

Chewie, the Blue Jays should always suck for what they did to my Phillies in 1993.

The reason I'm saying this? It's a game where adult men hit a tiny ball with a giant toothpick while making millions. It doesn't matter. I know you're anxious, but are you even a huge sports fan? I think this might've been a response, rather than a cause, so to speak.

Anyway-- take care of your health first. Mental health is, as this thread evidences, incredibly complicated. By way of contrast, physical health, at least some of it, is easy. If you've got a cold, say you're ill; rest; chicken soup-up; sleep; and drink lots of water. Do that. Explain that you've got something, and everyone in the world understands!

As far as your claim, you have basically 3 more weeks and you've already left a message. Continue to follow up. You're doing everything you can do at this point. The downside of government bureaucracies is their inertia: this stuff happens far too often, and while that's not an excuse, I can tell you that persistence and lots and lots and lots of phone calls can resolve the problem (and is just usually necessary to do so...).

I faintly remember watching that game, but I was so young at the time. At least you guys won not too long ago (in 2007?). I was cheering for you then.

Hopefully the Blue Jays can cause some damage and win this year, because it's looking worrisome if they don't, with regards to the future. I am a big sports fan, too, so I'm very invested, and have been for years. I started watching this team as a young kid, stopped for a while because I didn't have cable or satellite, but then when I got it I was watching all the baseball I could.

I'm also a big hockey fan, and follow all sports via news.

Anyways, I don't know what it is. It's as if I feel like I missed out and am jealous because I didn't get to see them win live, though I have before. It almost feels as if it doesn't count. It's stupid is what it is.

The cold is getting worse, but oh well. I don't get sick often, so it was bound to happen.

As for the paperwork: Yeah, there's still time and I can call for an extension. I'm just pissed off, annoyed and generally bummed that this happened, but it's just my luck. I had everything filled out early, and the doctor said she'd send them away in really good time. When the letter came, I thought it was acceptance or denial.