The weight isn't just the expectations, either. It's this ominous dread that things that once made me happy don't do such anymore. I have nothing to look forward to and often when I see something to elicit an uplifting response (be it, a painting, new music, a new game, etc), there is nothing there. If anything, it fills me with a strange sense of melancholy. Right now, at this moment i am taking medication to quell with the sudden onslaught of negative thoughts and the physical response associated with it. It's been 3 days since that ER visit and after i had taken my medication, I was fine. I felt the weight flush out of my system and yet, these feelings of extreme sadness, loss, anxiety, and lingering depression still creep out of nowhere.
Most of this I think stems from me neglecting my creative passions because I felt i was too inadequate and it is too late for me to start again. I'd love to hear the contrary, that I have some time left. Another big facet to this is my desire to be in a relationship, to be loved and to be more social, but i'll save the details through PMs if need be.
Like I said before, these are new symptoms and I am scared that whatever new path I take will not remedy this internal chaos of hopelessness.
Well, let me start by confirming your suspicion that it is not too late to revitalize your passions or even find new ones. There is meaning to be found in hobbies and artistic expression during all phases of life. I have a great uncle who started taking piano and learning new languages in his 90s.
That being said, if those interests, passions, hobbies, or what have you just aren't registering the same way they did, it begs the question of what is going on, psychologically or physiologically, that is invalidating those feelings or worth, purpose, and so on. Medication, like anti-depressants may help; other, therapeutic work on either managing symptoms or exploring causes (or both!) may help as well. It's not as if a random roll of the dice somewhere in the cosmos one day took the passion out of you; there's a reason (or, more likely, many many reasons) out there in the ether somewhere. It might not be obvious or come to you immediately, but it's out there, somewhere, and it could be of great help to try to find and address as many of these reasons as you can.
Hence the recommendation I leave most people with: medication to manage your symptoms if you need it. Therapy to develop skills and reframe your thinking. An attitude of self-reflection and introspection through all of it.
I hope that is of some help to you.
Probably the most difficult, and most loaded, semester I'll ever have. It's the "shit's getting real" semester of my doctoral program. Have to see my first patients soon, practical exams that require me to synthesize basically everything I know on the spot in an organized, "confident" fashion. Add to that social isolation, ADHD, anxiety, n these damn pills ain't workin fam
Hopefully once you've got your feet in the water, actually
seeing your first patients and having that and other unknowns becoming known quantities some of the fear will subside. I've got a couple of friends in med school who have related many of the same things you're saying: it's terrifying, it's isolated, it's difficult. They're doing their best to take it one step at a time, understanding that nobody got through med school feeling on-top-of-it all the time.
I hope you're able to find a greater sense of stability soon!
It feels like every day, I'm moving closer and closer towards that outcome though. I'm well aware of what needs to be done to get myself out of this situation. Find a roommate or a more affordable apartment, accept my parents help with paying for the medication, maybe even find another job until things pick up at my current job. I've been seeing a therapist for the past year, so I guess that's a step in the right direction, but honestly, it'd be so much easier to just die.
I agree with your ideas for what you need to do, Krammy. Getting a second job makes sense, and there are lots of resources out there for both roommates and apartments, if you're able to get to a place where you're comfortable using them. I'm glad to hear that you're in therapy. It's very concerning to hear that you're cutting yourself; I cannot help but wonder if it's related to stopping your medication cold-turkey, which is really, really rough. Have you told your therapist? I encourage you to accept your parents' help with the medication and get back onto your directed dose as soon as possible. Check with a pharmacist or doctor for instructions on how to taper back on safely.
Also, personally, even when things are going pretty well for me I still generally walk around with that feeling that it would be easier just to die. It's sort of a control thing - if I lose control of everything else, at least I can end it all and then not have to worry about anything any more. Only when my life has been going well for a while does that thought start to taper away, and it always reappears 10x faster than it dissipates.
Interesting.. That's what I'm curious about. If someone is diagnosed with anxiety, takes medication for say 9 months then get off it, would they still have minor/moderate/major symptoms of anxiety or..?
It would depend on whether the causes of their anxiety have been addressed or improved in the time they've been on medication. The medication itself does not cure anything. But if situations change, or you go to therapy and work out what causes you anxiety or how to deal with it better you may not need medication as much any more.
At the moment I'm going through a phase where I'm waiting on getting into the police. I had a history of mild OCD but I'm now I'm worried I might not be fit for the police, mentally or whatever. Deep down I know I am ready and really excited but there's that doubt, and I don't know if it's just an insecurity or what.
Going based off how my application process has played out with the police, they look at seeing a psychologist better than one that has taken medication. Is there any reason why they'd look better upon someone who hasn't taken medication but seen a psychologist rather than vice versa?
I agree with Dai Kaiju that it's probably just an optics thing. Their assumption being that if you don't need medication you're more stable or something.
I've posted about my feelings here before, but I have to vent again. The feeling that I've wasted my youth is really getting to me. As a graduate (23 years old), I feel more depressed than ever. Medication has recently seemed to lose their effectiveness, and therapy right now doesn't seem to help. Freshers' week has been and gone, and seeing people I knew who still have a year left to go pains me. I feel an immense guilt over not using those years better, as my personal life back then was a massive letdown. Now it's really difficult to meet my peers. Every single thing I try to do now seems to be filled with old people who I can't relate to, so I give up on them really easily. I still feel like a student who longs to meet young people my own age especially cute girls, drink, go on nights out on Saturday nights and join clubs that interest me, and take up new hobbies.
Well, I know it's the obvious answer, but people your age
do exist and it is certainly far from too late to go out, join clubs, meet people, or take up new hobbies. That being said, I went through a long drought of loneliness at age 23 as well because I, too, had trouble meeting people my age. I didn't find any one trick to it, other than you've got to just put yourself out there doing things so you can meet at least one or two people whom you can befriend. They, in turn, can introduce you to more people, who can introduce you to more people, and so on as far as you want to go.
I spent my 23rd year holding off on going out and being social until I felt less lonely, desperate and sad ... but what I realized was the two run hand in hand. Getting out there was scary and difficult for a while but it fueled the rebound of my mood, which further fueled being social, and so on. Do you have an interests in mind that you could pursue, or any new ones you'd want to pick up?
In the mean time, if your medication's not working you should try something else; there are tons of options out there. Just keep in mind that while medication may help your symptoms of depression and anxiety it won't cure loneliness and it won't lead you out of your questions on where to go next in life; those are things we've all got to figure out for ourselves. Can you consult with your psychiatrist about your medication?
Second week of group DBT tomorrow. I'm both interested in moving into the mindfulness module (having read ahead in our workbook) and dreading being stuck in a room with 10+ people for 2 hours plus a possible 2 hours roundtrip of transit on the bus.
How's the mindfulness module?
Yikes. It's like my daily reservoir of contentedness is just a little bit too small. The past few weeks I've been pretty all right for the first 2/3rds of the day, and then it just all goes to shit and I get really depressed.
Do you have any sense of what happens, internally or externally, 2/3rds of the way into the day that sends you into dire straights?
I've spent years trying to figure out why the meaning drains out of my life faster than I can fill it up. It's important to realize that medication can alleviate the symptoms of depression and anxiety but it alone cannot create contentment. That's a larger scale issue that takes some personal exploration and effort.
Had a fight with my younger sister earlier. Well not really a fight more of me standing there having stuff thrown at me and her wailing on my right arm.
Our washer and dryer are on the other side of the kitchen and she was washing some clothes. I had just dried a load and hadn't gotten it out of the dryer yet. I was eating a sandwich in the kitchen when she went to change the load she said "do you want them on the floor or on the bed?". I told her just let me finish eating and I'll get my clothes out myself so she started throwing my stuff on the floor. I got up and took the clothes from her and she took this as me trying to hurt her.
She starts freaking out saying I assaulted her and she'd call the cops over me taking my clothes so she wouldn't throw them anymore. My mom saw what happened and told her I didn't do anything threatening. At this point she flips her shit starts throwing things at me like cans of dog food and hitting me in my arm like I said above. House is now just a wreck and I've been assaulted but I can't call the cops or mom says she'll kick me out.
I fucking hate it here having to walk on eggshells around my sister or she goes off like that quite frequently and has zero repercussions from my mother. Worst is I can't protect myself since I am such a big guy no cop would believe that I was getting beat up by my younger smaller sister and had to defend myself. I just wish I had somewhere I could go to escape from this for just a short while as I get my shit together to get out of here.
That sounds really frustrating, redlegs. I hope posting on here is a good outlet for your frustrations. Have you found any other effective outlets for your emotions? Or things that help you sustain through difficult experiences?
hey guys, this feels sort of like an aa meeting, im chris (feel like saying my real name helps)
so im well i dont know what i have, but ive been depressive mot of my life (after my father died when i was 10, im now 24) ive never had a bad economical situation or anything. but all my doctors shrinks or whatever say that im uncapable of letting myself acheive happiness, and i think that is true. i cant finish college not because im afraid of failing, im afraid of being good at it. i cant study cause of that.
personal life, long time gf dumped me cause even tho we were on a sort of break i was with someone else, (i regret the way it ended tho, in an ideal world both of them would've been great to have) and i have a great record of ending up with girls with a lot of problems, eventually they fall for me for the same reason, i somehow repair them or someshit like that ive been told. somehow i dont remember being happy with someone. at least not in recent times last time was with my ex gf.
ive been taking recently aripiprazole really really small doses of it tho, still dont know if it has helped or not, need to go to my therapist this 1st and see what he says.
right now im stuck asking myself "why?" this not a why this happen to me or anything like that, is more universal the why of things.
i hope something of this seems familiar to somebody, thanks gaf for listening.
Welcome!
Have your doctors given you any more details on what they mean by your being incapable of allowing yourself to achieve happiness? Do you think there's any truth in what they're saying?
Not really no, not with my childhood friends anyways. Today I hang with 2 people, an acquaintance from school and a friend of his. They're really solid people though, and I respect them a lot. But I'm so emotionally detached that I can't bond with people on a deeper level, same goes for my family. I'm kind of a lone wolf, I guess. I wear my mask well however, so people seem to bond with me. Go figure.
I'd like to thank everyone for the replies. But I'm done and outta this thread for now. Good luck everyone!
Best of luck to you, samsveds. I hope you're able to find greater contentment soon.
Gonna preface this by saying that I'm not going to do anything, because even with any pain I may have, there is no way in hell I would ever do anything to hurt my children or leave them alone.
That being said, I want to die. Like, pretty much all the time. I am currently on Cymbalta (90mg) and have seen multiple therapists, but it hasn't done anything for me. I am not sure what I can do to get over this feeling of just absolute shit all the time. It sucks. I dunno if anyone has any advice beyond going to see a therapist, but what the hey. Maybe I'm just venting for a minute. It's kind of nice to say it semi-out loud. I hate myself and I want to die.
I'm sorry you're suffering, Lth. Have you tried any other medications? There are many, many options out there that may work better for you than Cymbalta is.
Also, do you have a sense of why the therapists did not work for you?
Had my first anxiety attack (mostly ended in me being nauseous and then well
y'know) it was not fun and had to use time off to leave work early. Never thought I'd work at a desk job that would do that...then again Monday had a performance review full of back handed compliments and yesterday had a bunch of people who said they'd sue.
Never got much of a break from it all
OK now, can't draw due to wrist pain acting up but can binge watch Breaking Bad
I hope your Tuesday and beyond were better, BSoL.
TL/DR: Friend's brother is need of serious mental health help but he does not have insurance and no place is making it easy to admit him. Does anyone here know of any free mental health centers? Mental health charities? Any kind of government programs that may help?
Thank you, much appreciated.
EDIT: I should mention that they live in New Jersey. Currently he's in a hospital in Pennsylvania.
That's a really, really tough situation, Yousefb. The sorts of paranoia / delusions that you're describing are tragic and debilitating yet, as you've found, it's tough to convince people in that state of mind that they need help. Unfortunately, a lot of treatment is going to hinge on his consent, which is a holdover from the big de-institutionalization movement in the mid 20th century. The mental health system in this country used to be synonymous with involuntary admission and heinously poor quality of care and the backlash against those abuses has led us in the direction we're currently on. Things have improved somewhat since the 80s and 90s but still nobody has figured out where the line is for involuntary care.
As far as resources, I am not personally familiar with your area but a good place to start would be with the local crisis counseling line. Sometimes if you call the national crisis line (1-800-273-TALK) you'll be directed to the local set-up, otherwise you can google what the local number is. They should be familiar with local resources and may be able to direct you to some treatment options.
A lot of it may still come down to hospitals, though, and there again you're going to run into that line of voluntary vs involuntary that they are not always willing to step over for fear of legal reprecussions. I've got a friend whose best friend is in a similar circumstance right now, getting held for 48 hours at a time and then released and never staying on his medications because he believes he is mentally healthy. Hopefully you're able (and willing) to stay in touch with your friend and continue to be caring and maybe he can slowly be guided in a better direction.
I hope you keep us updated, if you feel comfortable; between you and my friend I hope someone can figure out how to handle these situations.
<3
