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[redlegs87]

While it's not as simple as have friends = contentment forever, or have job = happy, both will likely contribute to a greater sense of meaning and purpose, and as long as you keep an ear to the ground and try to keep learning from your feelings you should forever be moving closer and closer to understanding what you truly want and need out of life and how you can best attain it. A lot of people think the answer is "money" but I have not found that to be the case.

I know money doesn't equal happiness or having people around but the last time I was truly happy was when I was active while working. I had stuff to do people to socialize with I had a sense of purpose. I know I need that feeling to come from within and I am working on that but it will take time.

 

[bigmit3737]

Yeah, so, the meeting with the psychiatrist went very well, but to be honest, I'm beginning to think it was a major mistake on her part to make that conclusion; I feel extremely unstable. I feel like I've underwent quite a deal of cognitive decline (my memory pales in comparison to before and I'm forgetting simple things on a daily basis as well as being unable to retain things nearly as well as before [today I went to buy coffee, paid, completely forgot I paid, and went to pay again until I realised I didn't have the money for it anymore]), my problem solving ability has greatly diminished, and I have had great issues with my spelling and handwriting recently (it was never good).

I'm nearly completely isolated, I've fell substantially behind in every module I'm taking, my emotions are cycling between extremes without any major trigger, and I turned to cutting to provide some sense of control and in the process ended up with my arms and chest covered in cuts. Yes, she put a lot of it down to Asperger's Syndrome, but I really don't think it's applicable, and frankly the validity of the diagnosis in the first place is always something I've found rather questionable. The meetings with my counsellor have been nice and everything, but it really doesn't feel like a great level of insight is being made, and the primary benefit being through self-reflection really doesn't seem beneficial to me as I never feel like anything's ever been suggested that is something I haven't already considered, as talking about things really isn't as helpful to me as mental meditation. I'm obviously going to have to convey it to the therapist, but I really am beginning to think it's going to end up necessary for me to defer the year in college.

See a couple of pyschs. Try to see a neurologist. Get some standard blood tests.
Try some b-vitamins ( active forms (folate , methylcobamin B12)--- some people have has lot of their emotional problems fixed through folate , p-5-p and methylcobamin supplementation ( all active coenzymated forms b- vitamins)

My panic attacks and palpitations got fixed onced I fixed my gut issues.

Sometimes it's just simple vitamin supplementation can fix huge problems.
Blood tests don't reveal the whole picture -- and what I've read they don't measure the vitamins being absorbed in the cells. Just the amount of vitamins in the blood. You have some minerals that float in the blood but are not being absorbed for whatever reasons.

Do some research and see as many doctors as you can. Just avoid invasive tests that can potentially causes problems.

Take your time man. It may seem like the end of the world to take time off but if you need it you need it.

 

[ceramic]

Today has been a hard day. Spent the last few hours crying off and on over this crushing sense of loneliness that seems to always be hovering over me. I haven't been holding these feelings back it just took awhile to build up for me to just let it out. I worry that once I do have a job and make new friends I'll still feel empty and lonely like I do now. What if nothing I do can fill this void inside me? The harder I try it seems the harder the depression pushes back against my efforts.

For me personally, whenever I'm feeling hopeless, lost, or lonely a positive interaction with a friend or colleague is all it takes to wash it away almost instantly. The problem I had originally is that to get these positive feelings you really have to relax and open yourself up to others, but the more I do it the easier it becomes.

Do you find that crying eases off your negative feelings at all?

I feel like you tag should be changed to "therapist in residence"

Definitely, Piano is awesome


Anyway, I have more feelings to offload. So I was at the gym today and got a weird look from a woman on the gym floor. I had a meeting with a personal trainer today and was doing my workout. This other women enters the same area that I'm in. I can't help but glance over a few times, but didn't stare or anything and she seemed too busy with what she was doing to notice me at all. I went to another area afterwards for another part of my workout. When I went back to the same area she was in she seemed to give me a 'dirty'/disgusted look. It was only a quick glance as I was passing but I noticed. Now I feel creepy. Although there may be plausible alternate explanations for this look she gave me, I don't think I'm wrong with this one. It happened before at an old gym I went to; I glanced too often at a woman who went there. Then one day I'm on the stationery bike and I see them glancing at me with a concerned/ feeling-sorry-for-me type look. I really just need to summon the energy to do what I'm there to do with confidence, and talk to them with confidence if I like them. I feel that a big proponent of how these situations arise with me is that I am too reserved in those kind of environments and makes me put off a 'doesn't belong here' kind of vibe, and when combined with glancing at others this may be interpreted as creepy

 

[redlegs87]

For me personally, whenever I'm feeling hopeless, lost, or lonely a positive interaction with a friend or colleague is all it takes to wash it away almost instantly. The problem I had originally is that to get these positive feelings you really have to relax and open yourself up to others, but the more I do it the easier it becomes.

Do you find that crying eases off your negative feelings at all?

I only have a few friends and they are all online friends. Out of those only one I'd really feel comfortable talking about any of the stuff that is going on in my life. I'd talk to my mother but it just puts her in a bad mood seeing me in pain. I did talk to my older sister about coming to see her more and my baby niece. Yes crying does help in a way when I am feeling as down as I was then.

 

[Piano]

I feel like you tag should be changed to "therapist in residence"

If they do, maybe I'll switch out my avatar for a cat with glasses or a pipe

So I have a therapist, and I've been in an outpatient program a couple of times...but it's honestly a bit of boredom. I do it because it helps me not give a shit about any and everything. On one hand, I don't seem to drink out of obsession (so I don't go out of my way to do it), but on the other hand, if I don't have anything else to do, then I decide that drinking may be an acceptable substitute.

I try to plan my days so I don't run into scenario 2, but it happens every now and again, when things get canceled, etc. It's so annoying, knowing what to do, but not being able to do it all the time.

Then the question is, what's so intolerable about having nothing to do? What makes boredom so awful?

My daughter just turned three and ive been depressed for 2.75 years of her life.

And every time I think about that fact, it makes me more depressed.

Maybe she would be better off without me

As dark as things may seem, Apoc, I can absolutely guarantee you that your daughter loves you and that she wants you to be there by her side.

I know money doesn't equal happiness or having people around but the last time I was truly happy was when I was active while working. I had stuff to do people to socialize with I had a sense of purpose. I know I need that feeling to come from within and I am working on that but it will take time.

Ack! I didn't mean to say you were, wrong, sorry, it came out poorly. I just meant that we have to remember that it's a bit more complex than cause = reaction. That being said, work, people, socializing are all very important (in my experience) to a sense of fulfillment, so you're right about that. Even money is important to the extent that it enables us to have these other experiences.

Anyway, I have more feelings to offload. So I was at the gym today and got a weird look from a woman on the gym floor. I had a meeting with a personal trainer today and was doing my workout. This other women enters the same area that I'm in. I can't help but glance over a few times, but didn't stare or anything and she seemed too busy with what she was doing to notice me at all. I went to another area afterwards for another part of my workout. When I went back to the same area she was in she seemed to give me a 'dirty'/disgusted look. It was only a quick glance as I was passing but I noticed. Now I feel creepy. Although there may be plausible alternate explanations for this look she gave me, I don't think I'm wrong with this one. It happened before at an old gym I went to; I glanced too often at a woman who went there. Then one day I'm on the stationery bike and I see them glancing at me with a concerned/ feeling-sorry-for-me type look. I really just need to summon the energy to do what I'm there to do with confidence, and talk to them with confidence if I like them. I feel that a big proponent of how these situations arise with me is that I am too reserved in those kind of environments and makes me put off a 'doesn't belong here' kind of vibe, and when combined with glancing at others this may be interpreted as creepy

Is it just me, or did this glance bother you slightly less than comparable things have in weeks past?

<3

 

[Rafa=FedKilla]

Are you getting the brain zaps or night terrors?

Yeah, I was getting brain zaps. But the therapist I went to had some samples, so I should be fine soon. I got some Brintellix samples too, she said I should try that too or up my Pristiq dose. I've been living with such haziness, lack of clarity, and warped perspective that I don't know what it feels like to be anything else. I think I've built up a tolerance to the low dose of Klonopin. Another thing I want to add, is exposure or repetition doesn't increase my confidence or lower my anxiety. Like, I started working at the warehouse after two months they thought I was the biggest badass they'd ever seen work there and I was legitimately surprised to hear that. I thought I was doing horrible. The Vice President came in and wanted to talk to me because my production was so high and when I told him I was only there for two months, he nearly lost his balance. Still the anxiety, feelings of being out of time, and lack of confidence never went away. Everyday, everyday situations are like World War 2 for me. But still I go.

 

[karasu]

It sounds like we suffer from similar ailments. Even down to productivity levels in a warehouse setting haha. My shrink seems to have given up on trying to solve my anxiety issues as she's never prescribed anything other than Buspar and anti depressants. Maybe I'll bring up Klonopin and see how she responds to that.

 

[bidguy]

I've found myself being consumed by my anxiety lately. I've been skipping class often because the social interactions make me incredibly uncomfortable. On top of the fact that most people in my class take it way too seriously and tend to freak out over the smallest things. Example: I overwhipped me and my partners whipped cream by 10 seconds because I was trying to finish a pithivier I was behind on making and my partner sees then she yells out "NO THATS TOO MUCH NOW WE HAVE TO RESCALE AND REDO IT" really loudly so the whole class just stares at me. I modestly apologized and brought it to our chef who then tells me its only slightly over and we can still use it. I hand it to my partner to fold it into our mousse and shes just grinding her teeth the whole time. I don't say a word and just bow my head trying to avoid the embarrassment on top of the bullying shit my classmates tend to do (they gather in groups and talk shit about people and their annoyances.) and I watch her walk away to go wash dishes only to then talk shit to people at the dish pit a few feet away.

I can't handle this. My anxiety flares up, I start getting really upset and just want to leave. I can blatantly see when other people are talking about me and people often stare at me. I don't talk to anyone, I sit by myself lately because I'm too anxious to try to communicate to anyone. I only find myself saying sorry and avoiding conversations. It makes being in class difficult because I can no longer focus on the content, I can only focus on people being critical of my existence. It feels like I've been stuffed into a box and set on fire. I make a slight mistake and people freak out. I always say sorry and its not enough. Its like I'm just an annoyance regardless. All of these people went from being my friends to being overly critical of me so I've removed myself to try and ease the tension but to no avail.

So here I am, I've skipped 4 days and I'll probably skip tomorrow. I photoshop doctors notes to get away with my absences and lie to the staff of my school because it always feels like no one takes mental health into consideration or they view it as an excuse. My anxiety has bundled up with my depression and I fear I'm only getting worse. I don't have anyone to talk to about it and I don't want to upset HD because things have been going really well for him lately.

I feel alone and lost.

you need to remember WHY youre going to school. youre not going there to please anyone youre going because you want to learn and further your education. please dont let others dictate your life there are a lot of assholes in this world so you have to pull through and develop thick skin. i can almost guarantee you that the person who screamed at you got more bad looks than you.

i was feeing exactly the way you described a few years ago and i know how hard it is to feel like every move you make is being judged by someone. i wanted to quit my major after 1 single week but you know what ? i kept going and going and im fucking happy that i didnt make that terrible decision back then.

 

[Piano]

It sounds like we suffer from similar ailments. Even down to productivity levels in a warehouse setting haha. My shrink seems to have given up on trying to solve my anxiety issues as she's never prescribed anything other than Buspar and anti depressants. Maybe I'll bring up Klonopin and see how she responds to that.

Likely she's got the standard sets of worries about benzodiazepines:
(a) Some people build a tolerance quickly
(b) They're short acting (Klonopin's peak effect is typically 6-8 hours) so
(c) Dose escalation and addiction can be serious problems.
(d) Mid-to-high doses can cause weird issues (anterograde amnesia, sedation, even depression) depending on your tolerance.

Also, alcohol + benzos = badbadbad

Benzos definitely work. For some people they work extremely well, which is what makes them a threat for dependence and addiction. Hence the desire to find a non-benzo daily medication and keep benzos as the emergency option.

That being said, it depends on the nature of your anxiety, how long it lasts, what doses you respond to, etc, to determine if benzos are a good daily option, and that's stuff nobody knows better than you and your doctor. I encourage you to bring it up with her.

And if it makes you any better, I can direct you to some places to read about the various treatment options for anxiety. Sometimes feeling like I knew a bit about what the options were made me feel better. You have to be able to keep in mind, though, that the sorts of people who post on the internet about medications are the ones who had bad experiences. I learned generally not to Google user experiences for medications, period, because it will always be bad for anything from Klonopin to Tylenol.

<3

 

[megatronium]

I'm exactly two weeks away from going to prison for a year and a half. I gave my job my resignation last Friday so I'll be working right up until I turn myself in. Im going to see my counselor in about an hour so I'm sure we'll discuss that along with my frequent nightmares and general anxiety. I'll see my psychiatrist next week and he's going to provide documentation of my medications so hopefully I can continue to receive them while I'm incarcerated. I need to do one last list/check to see if I have all my Ts crossed and i's dotted before going in. Surprisingly, besides the nightmares and anxiety, I'm pretty well adjusted to the idea and ready to take responsibility for my actions.

 

[redlegs87]

Ack! I didn't mean to say you were, wrong, sorry, it came out poorly. I just meant that we have to remember that it's a bit more complex than cause = reaction. That being said, work, people, socializing are all very important (in my experience) to a sense of fulfillment, so you're right about that. Even money is important to the extent that it enables us to have these other experiences.

It's quite alright sometimes I do need reality checks as I tend to see things like that in black and white. If I get x then I'll be happy and so forth and I need to be reminded that I need to get happiness from within myself not from outside.

 

[Apoc87]

As dark as things may seem, Apoc, I can absolutely guarantee you that your daughter loves you and that she wants you to be there by her side.

Thank You

 

[zsswimmer]

Likely she's got the standard sets of worries about benzodiazepines:
(a) Some people build a tolerance quickly
(b) They're short acting (Klonopin's peak effect is typically 6-8 hours) so
(c) Dose escalation and addiction can be serious problems.
(d) Mid-to-high doses can cause weird issues (anterograde amnesia, sedation, even depression) depending on your tolerance.

Also, alcohol + benzos = badbadbad

Benzos definitely work. For some people they work extremely well, which is what makes them a threat for dependence and addiction. Hence the desire to find a non-benzo daily medication and keep benzos as the emergency option.

That being said, it depends on the nature of your anxiety, how long it lasts, what doses you respond to, etc, to determine if benzos are a good daily option, and that's stuff nobody knows better than you and your doctor. I encourage you to bring it up with her.


<3

yeah benzos definitely work, not sure if theyre good for anxiety disorder though cause long term theyre addictive. im fucked up on em right now, makes any anxiety about life go away. woner if mixing them with phenibut is about the same as alcohol. either way it feels good to not give a fuck about anything, gotta savor this last hour or so before the curtain closes

 

[Megalosaro]

Tomorrow I go on vacation and I'm absolutely dreading it.

I know I'm going to put on like 20-30 lbs in water weight. It will be the beginning of the end of everything I worked for. Just from eatting the same stuff my family will be eatting.

And before anyone says that is impossible, shut up. I saw it happen. My birthday I went from 165 to 179 in two fucking days.

I'm doomed. Even worse, I'm going to balloon to like 300 this time.

Last time I lost weight, I went from 265 to 220. Ballooned up to 285 afterwards.

This time will be far worse.

 

[Kipp]

Ever since I started taking Zoloft and Buspirone, I can't even enjoy one alcoholic drink anymore. It just makes me insanely tired and takes me out of it (and not in the typical mostly enjoyable way). Kind of frustrating when I just want to relax and enjoy a beer after a long day and end up feeling kind of awful.

 

[Kipp]

I think I started Zoloft 6 weeks ago. Still no sign of my depression lifting...
Today is one of those days where I just feel so physically weak and so mentally foggy and there literally isn't anything I want to do.

On the bright side, I do think the Buspirone is helping with my anxiety. I feel like my anxiety is much less overwhelming since I've been taking it.

 

[The_Kid]

Lately I've been anxious as all hell.

A bit of explanation. I've had a high level of OCD since I was a kid and some random incident in class triggered it. It's gone high and low for the last 15 years (ranging from being unable to go outside and washing the inside of my eyelids with soap to actually wearing the same set of clothes all day without changing) with different set obsessions setting me off. It started with germs, then jumped to bed bugs, then back to germs. It honestly feels like my brain is out to hurt me, like it comes up with things even when I'm having a normal day just to make things stressful.

I'm afraid to tell people I know about my obsessions, because sometimes I need some reassurance in thinking them through logically. Like, my boyfriend for example. He always tells me it doesn't bother him, and that he doesn't mind talking them through with me, but I secretly worry that one day he is going to get fed up with answering questions or helping me out like my parents are. I'm worried he's going to just decide that he is better off without me. And that's the thing. I really don't have anyone else I can talk to about these things. The last two doctors I went to aren't helping, I've tried almost every medicine you can for this, the only thing left really is Exposure Therapy. And I will not do that. Thinking about willing pushing myself into that environment scares me. What I've been focusing on lately is the smaller battles, trying to stop every little compulsion I come across, or at least reduce the amount to which I clean.

It doesn't help lately that I've been horribly depressed about other things, such as school and social situations. I feel like it's piling up on me and I'm falling deeper into this pit that I won't ever be able to escape from. I can't focus.

 

[KevinCow]

Been feeling a little suicidal lately, even with my meds. I'm just so sick of being alone, but there's absolutely nothing about me that could possibly attract somebody. I'm ugly. Even if they can get past that, I'm boring. Even if they can get past that, there are the emotional issues. I am the exact opposite of a "catch". Nobody could possibly want me, and that's never going to change. What's even the point of trying anymore?

 

[ZoltanXerxes]

Been feeling a little suicidal lately, even with my meds. I'm just so sick of being alone, but there's absolutely nothing about me that could possibly attract somebody. I'm ugly. Even if they can get past that, I'm boring. Even if they can get past that, there are the emotional issues. I am the exact opposite of a "catch". Nobody could possibly want me, and that's never going to change. What's even the point of trying anymore?

(Just a note, I posted this in another thread a year ago or so. I think it may help you too see that you are not alone and change your perspective of yourself.)

I want to share my experience with you as it may change your perspective of yourself, because all we can control is our thoughts. Change your thinking, change your life.

I am a stutter (stammer in Europe). I have trouble speaking at times and I've had it since I was 5 years oid (32 years old now) and will have it for the rest of my life.

I was picked on in school in every grade, I got beat up because of it, and for that reason I had very low self esteem and self confidence through out most of Junior high (middle school), High school and college. I never thought I would amount to anything in life and years ago I also thought about suicide (this was about 10 years ago, no longer suicidal).

About 3 years ago I was browsing YouTube when I came across a motivational speaker who really changed the way I thought about myself and life in general. He spoke of something called the Law of Correspondence, which basically means your outer world is a reflection of your inner world. It's like your living in a 360 degree mirror and whatever event you experience gets filtered by you depending on your experience and how your thinking at that moment. What this meant is that I was thinking negatively all the time because of my experience and as a result, most things I was a part of I thought of negatively because of my low self esteem and low confidence.

The second thing I learned is that failure and rejection are an absolutely essential part of learning and growing. It's the not the failure and rejection itself that hurts us, it's the fear of failure and rejection. What I've learned is that most of biggest successful people in life have failed the most and got rejected the most. A good example is Thomas Edison. That dude failed over 1000 times to make a stable light bulb, but he never gave up until he made one. My advice to you is don't be afraid to fail or get rejected. It makes you stronger and you learn far more from failure.

Which brings be to the third thing, and that is don't listen to the nay-sayers. When you try something new or go in a new direction in life, there is always failure along the way. I want to tell you something really important about people: 2 types of people will appear when you fail, the ones who say "I told you so, your a failure" and "Let me help you out so you can be successful next time. I'm proud of you". The former is unsuccessful people. Never listen to those people because all they want is self satisfaction and don't want to help you or give you advice. The latter are successful people. Those people are willing to help and support you because they went through the exact same experience to get where they are today. Successful people fail and get rejected far more than unsuccessful people because they never stop, no matter how much criticism they get, no matter the circumstance they just keep going.

It's also important to find people who have been through the same experience as you and became successful. I have a stutter and I recently found out that Samuel L Jackson stutters. I was blown the fuck away. Here is a guy who has done over 100 movies and stutters. It was so unreal for me and my whole outlook on life changed. Since then I had no excuses to do anything I wanted to do.

(The hardest thing in life is to accept ourselves, but once you do, you can change however you want. I will stutter forever, and it took me 30 years of my life to accept it. But make no mistake, I am not my stutter. I am sorry you feel down right now. I've been there, many, many times and will be there again. The most important thing to remember is that the hardships in life mold us into superior people. One of my favorite quotes of all time is from the movie, Batman Begins: Alfred: "Bruce, why do we fall......so we can learn to pick ourselves up." It's this journey of picking ourselves up that teaches us about ourselves and once we find our true selves, the thick ash that has been littering your mental landscape gets blown away to reveal a beautiful landscape that will attract all kinds of people into your life.)

Life is a Journey, revel in it, learn from it and most importantly, cherish it. We all feel down multiple times during our lives, but that's where you search for the lesson, and that lesson is inside of yourself.

 

[KevinCow]

(Just a note, I posted this in another thread a year ago or so. I think it may help you too see that you are not alone and change your perspective of yourself.)

I want to share my experience with you as it may change your perspective of yourself, because all we can control is our thoughts. Change your thinking, change your life.

I am a stutter (stammer in Europe). I have trouble speaking at times and I've had it since I was 5 years oid (32 years old now) and will have it for the rest of my life.

I was picked on in school in every grade, I got beat up because of it, and for that reason I had very low self esteem and self confidence through out most of Junior high (middle school), High school and college. I never thought I would amount to anything in life and years ago I also thought about suicide (this was about 10 years ago, no longer suicidal).

About 3 years ago I was browsing YouTube when I came across a motivational speaker who really changed the way I thought about myself and life in general. He spoke of something called the Law of Correspondence, which basically means your outer world is a reflection of your inner world. It's like your living in a 360 degree mirror and whatever event you experience gets filtered by you depending on your experience and how your thinking at that moment. What this meant is that I was thinking negatively all the time because of my experience and as a result, most things I was a part of I thought of negatively because of my low self esteem and low confidence.

The second thing I learned is that failure and rejection are an absolutely essential part of learning and growing. It's the not the failure and rejection itself that hurts us, it's the fear of failure and rejection. What I've learned is that most of biggest successful people in life have failed the most and got rejected the most. A good example is Thomas Edison. That dude failed over 1000 times to make a stable light bulb, but he never gave up until he made one. My advice to you is don't be afraid to fail or get rejected. It makes you stronger and you learn far more from failure.

Which brings be to the third thing, and that is don't listen to the nay-sayers. When you try something new or go in a new direction in life, there is always failure along the way. I want to tell you something really important about people: 2 types of people will appear when you fail, the ones who say "I told you so, your a failure" and "Let me help you out so you can be successful next time. I'm proud of you". The former is unsuccessful people. Never listen to those people because all they want is self satisfaction and don't want to help you or give you advice. The latter are successful people. Those people are willing to help and support you because they went through the exact same experience to get where they are today. Successful people fail and get rejected far more than unsuccessful people because they never stop, no matter how much criticism they get, no matter the circumstance they just keep going.

It's also important to find people who have been through the same experience as you and became successful. I have a stutter and I recently found out that Samuel L Jackson stutters. I was blown the fuck away. Here is a guy who has done over 100 movies and stutters. It was so unreal for me and my whole outlook on life changed. Since then I had no excuses to do anything I wanted to do.

Literally none of that helps with my problems.

I'm ugly. Being confident and getting over a fear of rejection won't change that.

I'm boring. Being confident and getting over a fear of rejection won't change that.

I have serious mental issues and emotional scars. Being confident and getting over a fear of rejection won't change that.

Nobody is attracted to me. Nobody will ever be attracted to me. There's no reason to keep trying. And if I'm just going to constantly feel the pain of loneliness for the rest of my life, what's the point of continuing?

 

[Rafa=FedKilla]

Literally none of that helps with my problems.

I'm ugly. Being confident and getting over a fear of rejection won't change that.

I'm boring. Being confident and getting over a fear of rejection won't change that.

I have serious mental issues and emotional scars. Being confident and getting over a fear of rejection won't change that.

Nobody is attracted to me. Nobody will ever be attracted to me. There's no reason to keep trying. And if I'm just going to constantly feel the pain of loneliness for the rest of my life, what's the point of continuing?

How old are you? I'll be 27 next week and told my psychiatrist I've never had a girlfriend or anything resembling one.

 

[ZoltanXerxes]

Literally none of that helps with my problems.

I'm ugly. Being confident and getting over a fear of rejection won't change that.

I'm boring. Being confident and getting over a fear of rejection won't change that.

I have serious mental issues and emotional scars. Being confident and getting over a fear of rejection won't change that.

Nobody is attracted to me. Nobody will ever be attracted to me. There's no reason to keep trying. And if I'm just going to constantly feel the pain of loneliness for the rest of my life, what's the point of continuing?

I am single and 33 years old. I have never been in a stable relationship and I may never be in one. I have mental scars because of what I have experienced as a stutterer.

I had to go out of my comfort zone to change how I think of myself. Forgive me if I am ignorant but it looks like you really want a relationship. If you really want one there is only one way and that is to go out and meet people. Also, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. When you say your ugly, I imagine your talking about your physical appearance. Let me say this: Telling yourself you are ugly and boring does not mean other people think this way about you. What about your personalty, your interests, your hobbies, your beliefs? All of these factor into your character. What do you love to do? What is your absolute passion? Share these with people and doors will open for you that you never though possible. You will find someone and make a lot of friends, but in order to do that, you will need to meet a lot of people. Don't worry about your looks or how boring you think you are. I can say with great confidence that people will accept you for who you are. If people can accept an emotionally damaged stutterer like me, they can accept you.

 

[redlegs87]

Literally none of that helps with my problems.

I'm ugly. Being confident and getting over a fear of rejection won't change that.

I'm boring. Being confident and getting over a fear of rejection won't change that.

I have serious mental issues and emotional scars. Being confident and getting over a fear of rejection won't change that.

Nobody is attracted to me. Nobody will ever be attracted to me. There's no reason to keep trying. And if I'm just going to constantly feel the pain of loneliness for the rest of my life, what's the point of continuing?

Sounds quite a bit like how I use to think about myself. I can't really tell you how I changed my outlook about all of it. I was probably near where you are now but I took it as a sign to change things. I know it's hard to be positive about yourself when you are this deep down in depression.

I was suggested to write one positive thing about myself in a journal every day when I wake up. At first it was very hard for me to think of stuff but you just have to start out small and the more you do it the more positive stuff you will be able to think of.

All I can really say is hang in there man you are a good person.

 

[Astral Dog]

(Just a note, I posted this in another thread a year ago or so. I think it may help you too see that you are not alone and change your perspective of yourself.)

I want to share my experience with you as it may change your perspective of yourself, because all we can control is our thoughts. Change your thinking, change your life.

I am a stutter (stammer in Europe). I have trouble speaking at times and I've had it since I was 5 years oid (32 years old now) and will have it for the rest of my life.

I was picked on in school in every grade, I got beat up because of it, and for that reason I had very low self esteem and self confidence through out most of Junior high (middle school), High school and college. I never thought I would amount to anything in life and years ago I also thought about suicide (this was about 10 years ago, no longer suicidal).

About 3 years ago I was browsing YouTube when I came across a motivational speaker who really changed the way I thought about myself and life in general. He spoke of something called the Law of Correspondence, which basically means your outer world is a reflection of your inner world. It's like your living in a 360 degree mirror and whatever event you experience gets filtered by you depending on your experience and how your thinking at that moment. What this meant is that I was thinking negatively all the time because of my experience and as a result, most things I was a part of I thought of negatively because of my low self esteem and low confidence.

The second thing I learned is that failure and rejection are an absolutely essential part of learning and growing. It's the not the failure and rejection itself that hurts us, it's the fear of failure and rejection. What I've learned is that most of biggest successful people in life have failed the most and got rejected the most. A good example is Thomas Edison. That dude failed over 1000 times to make a stable light bulb, but he never gave up until he made one. My advice to you is don't be afraid to fail or get rejected. It makes you stronger and you learn far more from failure.

Which brings be to the third thing, and that is don't listen to the nay-sayers. When you try something new or go in a new direction in life, there is always failure along the way. I want to tell you something really important about people: 2 types of people will appear when you fail, the ones who say "I told you so, your a failure" and "Let me help you out so you can be successful next time. I'm proud of you". The former is unsuccessful people. Never listen to those people because all they want is self satisfaction and don't want to help you or give you advice. The latter are successful people. Those people are willing to help and support you because they went through the exact same experience to get where they are today. Successful people fail and get rejected far more than unsuccessful people because they never stop, no matter how much criticism they get, no matter the circumstance they just keep going.

It's also important to find people who have been through the same experience as you and became successful. I have a stutter and I recently found out that Samuel L Jackson stutters. I was blown the fuck away. Here is a guy who has done over 100 movies and stutters. It was so unreal for me and my whole outlook on life changed. Since then I had no excuses to do anything I wanted to do.

(The hardest thing in life is to accept ourselves, but once you do, you can change however you want. I will stutter forever, and it took me 30 years of my life to accept it. But make no mistake, I am not my stutter. I am sorry you feel down right now. I've been there, many, many times and will be there again. The most important thing to remember is that the hardships in life mold us into superior people. One of my favorite quotes of all time is from the movie, Batman Begins: Alfred: "Bruce, why do we fall......so we can learn to pick ourselves up." It's this journey of picking ourselves up that teaches us about ourselves and once we find our true selves, the thick ash that has been littering your mental landscape gets blown away to reveal a beautiful landscape that will attract all kinds of people into your life.)

Life is a Journey, revel in it, learn from it and most importantly, cherish it. We all feel down multiple times during our lives, but that's where you search for the lesson, and that lesson is inside of yourself.

This is a really beautiful and inspiring post, the world outside may be cruel or inconsistent, but its the way we look inside that counts.

Literally none of that helps with my problems.

I'm ugly. Being confident and getting over a fear of rejection won't change that.

I'm boring. Being confident and getting over a fear of rejection won't change that.

I have serious mental issues and emotional scars. Being confident and getting over a fear of rejection won't change that.

Nobody is attracted to me. Nobody will ever be attracted to me. There's no reason to keep trying. And if I'm just going to constantly feel the pain of loneliness for the rest of my life, what's the point of continuing?

I can tell at least the second and last thing you wrote isnt true,you cant be boring, but depressed, and as difficult as it is to accept, maybe you need help to focus your thoughts at positive things,not that im very good at it, but if we keep trying, wouldnt be worthy to know we made it? Some kind of success?
To finally improve your own life?

 

[Kipp]

It's always so hard to remember that depression is all in your head. Especially when it translates to physical weakness and tiredness. Today I felt the most depressed and weak and tired I've felt in a long time (and I've been feeling pretty shitty the past month or so). I even forced myself to go for a bike ride and I just felt awful the whole time and still felt awful afterwards.
However, I decided to brush up on some cognitive-behavioral therapy techniques which helped me out a long time ago but I'd since forgotten, and most importantly, reminded myself that depression was all in my head and actually was in my control. So anyways, I always go climbing on Wednesday nights, so before I went to the climbing gym, even though I was still feeling super tired and weak, I thought to myself "All right, you're gonna crush it tonight" and kept telling myself stuff along those lines. Sure enough, I started feeling way better and had the best night I've had in a long time (both in terms of having a fun time and climbing the best I've climbed in a really long time).

So yeah. Even though it's incredibly hard to believe it, just a reminder that depression is under your control and you do have the power to fight it.

Also, I may have wrote that in a way that parallels the super ignorant "Why don't depressed people just stop being depressed?" arguments, so I apologize if it came off that way. I know firsthand how much more there is to it than that and I certainly don't believe everything is fantastic for me from here on out now, but it had been a long time since I'd remembered the fact that my depression is all in my mind and I have the power to affect it. Hopefully I can keep that in mind in the future and have better luck fighting off depression and not letting it overwhelm me so easily.

 

[JEKKI]

ugh, really hate to come in here and ask a question without anything to contribute, hate the fact even more that I'm asking for advice on a games forum, but I guess you could say part of the depression is I have nobody else to ask...

some things have pushed me over the edge lately and while I've always kicked the idea around, I'm now seriously considering getting like some mental health counseling.

My question is how do I even find a place to go? 10 years ago it was easy, I was in college and just had the resources thru school. Nowadays am I supposed to yelp for it??

 

[Pau]

ugh, really hate to come in here and ask a question without anything to contribute, hate the fact even more that I'm asking for advice on a games forum, but I guess you could say part of the depression is I have nobody else to ask...

some things have pushed me over the edge lately and while I've always kicked the idea around, I'm now seriously considering getting like some mental health counseling.

My question is how do I even find a place to go? 10 years ago it was easy, I was in college and just had the resources thru school. Nowadays am I supposed to yelp for it??

Don't feel bad. This is what the thread is here for! No one really teaches you where and how to get this sort of help.

Are you in the U.S.? If so, here's a quick guide:

1. If you have insurance, call 'em and see if they cover mental health. If they do, they'll probably have a website where there's a database of therapists that take that insurance in your area.
2. Talk to your GP about it and ask if they can refer you to a therapist.
3. Depending on what city you're in, there might be options for cheap sessions without insurance. This will usually be a center that can refer you to someone in the city.

 

[MikeHaggar]

i know people in this thread how much larger problems, but i need to vent. i just ended my relationship yesterday. it's not a huge surprise as we've been having issues for a while and have been on again and off again, but for whatever reason i'm completely devastated this time around. i hate this feeling. it makes me want to not ever get involved with someone again. i know that i have a rough time ahead of me and it sucks with winter and the holidays coming. i can already feel myself slipping back into depression. and when i get like this nothing helps. i'll exercise every day, eat healthy, refrain from drinking, etc... i'll still be miserable. ugh. will just have to be patient and wait for it to pass i guess.

 

[ZoltanXerxes]

i know people in this thread how much larger problems, but i need to vent. i just ended my relationship yesterday. it's not a huge surprise as we've been having issues for a while and have been on again and off again, but for whatever reason i'm completely devastated this time around. i hate this feeling. it makes me want to not ever get involved with someone again. i know that i have a rough time ahead of me and it sucks with winter and the holidays coming. i can already feel myself slipping back into depression. and when i get like this nothing helps. i'll exercise every day, eat healthy, refrain from drinking, etc... i'll still be miserable. ugh. will just have to be patient and wait for it to pass i guess.

Sorry to hear that man. I've been there before. I love music (specifically Metal, as you can see by my Blind Guardian Avatar). I find great strength in music and also a great place to vent your emotions. I like Metal more than anything else because Metal is not afraid to confront the pain and to help deal with it. One song that gets me to feel better when I'm feeling really down is Valkyries by Blind Guardian.

Even though music helps me get through the down times, it still takes time to heal. Take this time to reflect on yourself. It's during the dark times in life that we grow the most and make realizations that we never made before. Keep rocking bud!

 

[MikeHaggar]

Sorry to hear that man. I've been there before. I love music (specifically Metal, as you can see by my Blind Guardian Avatar). I find great strength in music and also a great place to vent your emotions. I like Metal more than anything else because Metal is not afraid to confront the pain and to help deal with it. One song that gets me to feel better when I'm feeling really down is Valkyries by Blind Guardian.

Even though music helps me get through the down times, it still takes time to heal. Take this time to reflect on yourself. It's during the dark times in life that we grow the most and make realizations that we never made before. Keep rocking bud!

thanks for the encouragement. hopefully i will bounce back quickly. i just need to get the negative thoughts out of my mind. that can be easier said than done unfortunately.

 

[karasu]

Likely she's got the standard sets of worries about benzodiazepines:
(a) Some people build a tolerance quickly
(b) They're short acting (Klonopin's peak effect is typically 6-8 hours) so
(c) Dose escalation and addiction can be serious problems.
(d) Mid-to-high doses can cause weird issues (anterograde amnesia, sedation, even depression) depending on your tolerance.

Also, alcohol + benzos = badbadbad

Benzos definitely work. For some people they work extremely well, which is what makes them a threat for dependence and addiction. Hence the desire to find a non-benzo daily medication and keep benzos as the emergency option.

That being said, it depends on the nature of your anxiety, how long it lasts, what doses you respond to, etc, to determine if benzos are a good daily option, and that's stuff nobody knows better than you and your doctor. I encourage you to bring it up with her.

And if it makes you any better, I can direct you to some places to read about the various treatment options for anxiety. Sometimes feeling like I knew a bit about what the options were made me feel better. You have to be able to keep in mind, though, that the sorts of people who post on the internet about medications are the ones who had bad experiences. I learned generally not to Google user experiences for medications, period, because it will always be bad for anything from Klonopin to Tylenol.

<3

Great Info. I'll definitely bring them up with her. I don't really drink so its no problem avoiding alcohol. I have just started self medicating with weed though. That makes my anxiety less than a memory.

I just started on a new drug called Evekeo for ADHD. So far so good.

 

[Piano]

I'm exactly two weeks away from going to prison for a year and a half. I gave my job my resignation last Friday so I'll be working right up until I turn myself in. Im going to see my counselor in about an hour so I'm sure we'll discuss that along with my frequent nightmares and general anxiety. I'll see my psychiatrist next week and he's going to provide documentation of my medications so hopefully I can continue to receive them while I'm incarcerated. I need to do one last list/check to see if I have all my Ts crossed and i's dotted before going in. Surprisingly, besides the nightmares and anxiety, I'm pretty well adjusted to the idea and ready to take responsibility for my actions.

It sounds like you've got an even perspective on things, megatronium, and I really respect that. I hope for the best for you in the next year and a half.

Tomorrow I go on vacation and I'm absolutely dreading it.

I know I'm going to put on like 20-30 lbs in water weight. It will be the beginning of the end of everything I worked for. Just from eatting the same stuff my family will be eatting.

And before anyone says that is impossible, shut up. I saw it happen. My birthday I went from 165 to 179 in two fucking days.

I'm doomed. Even worse, I'm going to balloon to like 300 this time.

Last time I lost weight, I went from 265 to 220. Ballooned up to 285 afterwards.

This time will be far worse.

Megalosaro, I find it interesting that even though you're not experiencing the suffering you anticipate yet, you're suffering just through anticipation of future suffering. That sort of cycle of anticipation and doomsday thinking can be a trap that's tough to climb out of. If only we were able to stay in the present moment, and then deal with future moments when they become the present.

I hope your vacation goes well!

Ever since I started taking Zoloft and Buspirone, I can't even enjoy one alcoholic drink anymore. It just makes me insanely tired and takes me out of it (and not in the typical mostly enjoyable way). Kind of frustrating when I just want to relax and enjoy a beer after a long day and end up feeling kind of awful.

Yes, this is the unfortunate trade-off of a lot of medications (not just psychiatric). Trust me, you get used to it in time, and you also might be able to work back up to a more robust tolerance eventually. Buspar made me a cheap cheap drunk at first but I gradually got used to it. It definitely won't be a good idea to get tipsy / drunk while on these meds, though.

I think I started Zoloft 6 weeks ago. Still no sign of my depression lifting...
Today is one of those days where I just feel so physically weak and so mentally foggy and there literally isn't anything I want to do.

On the bright side, I do think the Buspirone is helping with my anxiety. I feel like my anxiety is much less overwhelming since I've been taking it.

I'm glad Buspirone is helping! Do you have a follow up soon where you can mention your concerns about the Zoloft? There are (luckily) many other things to try if it's not working out for you.

Lately I've been anxious as all hell.

A bit of explanation. I've had a high level of OCD since I was a kid and some random incident in class triggered it. It's gone high and low for the last 15 years (ranging from being unable to go outside and washing the inside of my eyelids with soap to actually wearing the same set of clothes all day without changing) with different set obsessions setting me off. It started with germs, then jumped to bed bugs, then back to germs. It honestly feels like my brain is out to hurt me, like it comes up with things even when I'm having a normal day just to make things stressful.

I'm afraid to tell people I know about my obsessions, because sometimes I need some reassurance in thinking them through logically. Like, my boyfriend for example. He always tells me it doesn't bother him, and that he doesn't mind talking them through with me, but I secretly worry that one day he is going to get fed up with answering questions or helping me out like my parents are. I'm worried he's going to just decide that he is better off without me. And that's the thing. I really don't have anyone else I can talk to about these things. The last two doctors I went to aren't helping, I've tried almost every medicine you can for this, the only thing left really is Exposure Therapy. And I will not do that. Thinking about willing pushing myself into that environment scares me. What I've been focusing on lately is the smaller battles, trying to stop every little compulsion I come across, or at least reduce the amount to which I clean.

It doesn't help lately that I've been horribly depressed about other things, such as school and social situations. I feel like it's piling up on me and I'm falling deeper into this pit that I won't ever be able to escape from. I can't focus.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time, The_Kid. I haven't experienced OCD, personally, so there's not a whole lot in the way of specific advice that I can offer. I do wonder, though: have you talked to your boyfriend about the fact that you're afraid he's going to get fed up with talking you through things? Sometimes having a conversation about the circumstances of one person leaning on another can help you illuminate how to lift some of the weight on their shoulders and make sure they don't get exhausted.

Literally none of that helps with my problems.

I'm ugly. Being confident and getting over a fear of rejection won't change that.

I'm boring. Being confident and getting over a fear of rejection won't change that.

I have serious mental issues and emotional scars. Being confident and getting over a fear of rejection won't change that.

Nobody is attracted to me. Nobody will ever be attracted to me. There's no reason to keep trying. And if I'm just going to constantly feel the pain of loneliness for the rest of my life, what's the point of continuing?

I agree, KevinCow, that a simple attitude shift won't fix all of your problems. It's not that simple. I have two questions, though:

1. Do you think the things you listed (looks, personability) are things that one can possibly change?
2. Do you think finding a mate is the only reason to live life, the only true fulfillment?

I'm sorry you're suffering, and I hope you are able to find some solace in the next few days.

i know people in this thread how much larger problems, but i need to vent. i just ended my relationship yesterday. it's not a huge surprise as we've been having issues for a while and have been on again and off again, but for whatever reason i'm completely devastated this time around. i hate this feeling. it makes me want to not ever get involved with someone again. i know that i have a rough time ahead of me and it sucks with winter and the holidays coming. i can already feel myself slipping back into depression. and when i get like this nothing helps. i'll exercise every day, eat healthy, refrain from drinking, etc... i'll still be miserable. ugh. will just have to be patient and wait for it to pass i guess.

No need to worry about the magnitude of your problems, MikeHaggar. Breakups are tough stuff. I haven't found any quicker way around the difficulties of a break up other than journeying straight through the feelings, the sadness, the hurt, the regret. The longer I avoid my feelings, the more they well up and accumulate and burst out and ambush me and they never seem to go away until I process them somehow. There are many ways of processing feelings - thinking through things, writing about feelings or circumstances, listening to music, meditating on allowing emotions, going on walks, talking it out with others, drawing ... the list goes on and on.

When I was going through a break-up and was trying to avoid talking to my ex I found it particularly helpful, whenever regret or anger toward her struck, to sit down and write her a letter. I never ended up sending any of them, and I don't think I ever intended to, but just starting with "dear _____" usually got me to spill out whatever it was that was bouncing around inside. Ultimately I don't think we ever totally get over big break-ups but we definitely adjust and move on with time. There's no substitute for that time, though, and in the words of the great Ben Folds "time takes time, you know."

I hope you're able to find some outlet for your emotions. Let us know if there's anything we can do to help, and certainly keep posting if it gives you an outlet.

<3

 

[Kipp]

Yes, this is the unfortunate trade-off of a lot of medications (not just psychiatric). Trust me, you get used to it in time, and you also might be able to work back up to a more robust tolerance eventually. Buspar made me a cheap cheap drunk at first but I gradually got used to it. It definitely won't be a good idea to get tipsy / drunk while on these meds, though.

I'm glad Buspirone is helping! Do you have a follow up soon where you can mention your concerns about the Zoloft? There are (luckily) many other things to try if it's not working out for you.

Thanks for the heads up regarding alcohol. That's nice to hear.

And I don't have an appointment scheduled at the moment to talk about my meds, but I'll schedule one if a few weeks go by and the Zoloft still hasn't kicked in. I just wish I could find an anti-depressant that works already. Switching meds is awful.

 

[Rafa=FedKilla]

Thanks for the heads up regarding alcohol. That's nice to hear.

And I don't have an appointment scheduled at the moment to talk about my meds, but I'll schedule one if a few weeks go by and the Zoloft still hasn't kicked in. I just wish I could find an anti-depressant that works already. Switching meds is awful.

I started taking this Pristiq four years ago and this shit really helped me up until recently. So now I am trying to get ahold of that and my out of control anxiety. I can't recall a non anxious moment.

 

[Kipp]

I started taking this Pristiq four years ago and this shit really helped me up until recently. So now I am trying to get ahold of that and my out of control anxiety. I can't recall a non anxious moment.

Glad to hear that you were able to get some relief from it for a while, but sorry to hear that it stopped working for you.
And I feel you with the anxiety. Living in a perpetual state of anxiety is absolutely awful. I hope you can find a way to get that dealt with (and the depression too) really soon.
You said you just started some new meds, right? Crossing my fingers that those work out for you.

 

[Jombie]

I've dealt with depression and anxiety since childhood, I'm 31 now. It's never gotten easier, so I try to just deal with it. I've had a hard time lately, and it's even tougher when you don't have friends or anyone to really talk to. I bitch to my wife so much that I don't bother taking to her about anything serious, but goddamn does this get old. I feel old and broken down.

 

[Fall Into The GAF]

You know for the duration of this, I have not been able to relax and I think I know why. I feel guilty about relaxing. If I am not being productive, I feel guilty. Like i don't deserve to be relaxing anymore because I feel I have coasted through life and anything remotely relaxing is me wasting time. It even extended to leisurely activities which lends credence to my past post about my interest in videogames waning. It feels like I have to be always on the go, always productive and motivated but I know that'll cause immense burn out. However, I can't get "distracted" and fall into my past habits of "relazing" and not doing anything otherwise I am not making any progress.

Man, I just wish this crisis of conscience hit me earlier.

 

[Astral Dog]

You know for the duration of this, I have not been able to relax and I think I know why. I feel guilty about relaxing. If I am not being productive, I feel guilty. Like i don't deserve to be relaxing anymore because I feel I have coasted through life and anything remotely relaxing is me wasting time. It even extended to leisurely activities which lends credence to my past post about my interest in videogames waning. It feels like I have to be always on the go, always productive and motivated but I know that'll cause immense burn out. However, I can't get "distracted" and fall into my past habits of "relazing" and not doing anything otherwise I am not making any progress.

Man, I just wish this crisis of conscience hit me earlier.

its probably some kind of existential crisis, you need to find a professional to talk to,, there is a lot of great things you can do but you need to be sure about it first.

 

[inked_illusion]

Trying new things this year has been pretty tough for me as I've been sheltered for most of my life until very recently when I got a stable job.

It's even tougher knowing that most of my good friends are either in University or working so I don't really have much time contacting them in some way.

Which is why I mostly lurk on Gaf, mainly as a tool to help me get over the loneliness and depression. I also loved looking at how genuine some sites were back in the day, mainly:
http://lounge.moviecodec.com/on-topic/i-am-lonely-will-anyone-speak-to-me-2420/ (i am lonely will anyone speak to me)

I'm glad there's a thread like this on Gaf, even if it saves one life, it makes all the different to that one person. Thanks OP

 

[Shanks]

Hey everyone, I'm reading different things about antianxiety/depressants and hair loss, what's the story?

I've suddenly had some serious anxiety issues the past 45 days. General practice doctor put my on 7.5 Buspar and a beta blocker I can't remember. I went and saw a psychiatrist who wants to drop the others and start me on 10 mg Paxil. I've read some horror stories with SSRIs and I'm aware they can effect everyone differently but...
there are folks out there stating that Lexapro/Paxil/ etc have led to hair loss for them through a quick Google search. To be honest, I'm a 28 year old male that has a bit of a receding hairline but I love my hair. That's like the main thing I am vain about and it brings me confidence. I'm getting anxiety (oh boy) from taking my prescribed anxiety meds because I'm so worried my hair will start falling out. Can anyone chime in? I don't see it on any side effect lists so I'm hoping to hear some input from you guys.
Thanks so much.

 

[Nezumi]

Anyone here ever just broke down in tears and had their head, arms and hands start prickling strangely?

 

[Kipp]

Man, for the past week, every single day I've felt like I've been right on the edge of slipping into a massive depression and I have to fight it hard every waking moment. On top of that (and definitely related to that), I've felt physically weak from depression for the past week or so which just compounds the issue.

 

[DiddysKongQuest]

No need to apologize, DKQ. There's often a gap between when we receive advice and when we're ready to take it. If you're still holding on then there's little our words can do to force you across the way; rather, the hope is that the advice you receive will help you attain further clarity and then, when your internal position does shift, you'll know what to do.

Not that I don't think you shouldn't continue trying your best to follow what you think you "need" to be doing. Just saying there's always room for error.

And as of right now I&#8217;m holding on more than ever and I hate it. My brother (the one who is in open prison) was allowed to be at home for the whole Sunday and I told her that she should come over since she has not seen him in a really long time.

A good hour later she came over and was really happy to see my brother again. After my brother left we had sex with each other, only this time with the difference that she really wanted to kiss me all the time. So of course I decided to spent the night at her place.

The night was great and different because it was not just Sex, but lots of talking and cuddling. I slept like a baby. The next day we visited her mom (surprisingly not that awkward), walked with the dogs and made pizza together. But as soon as I left, she became rather distant again on Whatsapp.

She phoned me in the evening and we actually talked about what we actually are. She told me that this is my second chance, that we should do things slow and that I should not be disappointed if things don&#8217;t work again with us. That sounds to me like she knows that it won't ever work again and just wants someone on her side until someone better arrives.

Yesterday she picked me up in town and she freaked out when I asked about what we're going to eat because I already asked that the day before. I wanted to leave immediately, but couldn't. I couldn't even say to her face how unnecessary the freak out was. I just walked right next to her and remained silent. She knows that she can do whatever she wants with me as long as I get a tiny bit of affection from her.

I&#8217;m really scared. I'm scared that she is breaking up with me again and that I was nothing more than a glorified sex slave in the end.

Haven't listened to the King of Limbs, actually. I heard mixed things and decided to just stop after In Rainbows instead of following Radiohead for the rest of time hoping their next album will be good. I already do that with way too many artists that have long since peaked and it's sorta lame to buy album after album hoping THIS one is the one where they'll get it together again when it's pretty clear they're running low on new ideas. I've been disappointed by 3 Muse albums in a row now - not that any of them are awful but they've all got, like, a few good songs, which is a shadow of their former work.

Not that Radiohead is quite there yet, but I already feel that, in my opinion, they peaked with OK Computer & Kid A. If they come out with another incredible work I'm sure I'll hear about it (like I did with In Rainbows). Otherwise even their good stuff, like Amnesiac, just sorta feels like "Radiohead, again".

I see. My problem is that I'm a collector and just need every single album released as a physical copy when I discover new bands. Doesn't help that I'm one of those people that always believe that the new record will be as good as their best work.

 

[Hey_Blinkin]

So I realized something today, I'm starting to dread weekends. Despite working 50+ hours a week I find myself lingering at work on Fridays to avoid going home. I've struggled with depression and extremely low self esteem all my life but I've always looked forward to my weekends to relax and sit around and play games and watch movies. Between those and work I've become really good at blocking out just how unhappy and pathetic my life truly is. It's not like I haven't known, I've just become really good at "turning my mind off" by keeping it occupied. Now I find myself sitting around in my free time and doing literally nothing. The things that kept me sane have lost their appeal. I think I knew in the back of my head I knew I couldn't keep it up forever. I've never taken any meds or seen a therapist, I've just seemed to accept it that I have a personality disorder and the things I enjoy doing make it easier to live with. Now at age 34 I find myself facing something that I've been avoiding as long as possible.

The best solution I can come up with is to try to start dating. As an unattractive, unsuccessful, incredibly boring introvert I'm sure it'll go great. Not to mention I have less experience with women than men half my age. I guess in someway maybe it's a blessing that this happened now rather than in my 40s or later. I guess only time will tell.

I'm sorry to the people posting here who have more serious problems reading this. I feel guilty even putting this here to be honest. There's no doubt millions of people on this planet who'd trade places with me in a second. I try to remind myself of that as often as I can. As a white, straight, male I already get a pass on so many things that others have to deal with on a daily basis.

Anyways, thanks for reading my rant. Now to try to figure out how these online dating sites work...

 

[MattyG]

Do any of you have any experience with Paxil? I've been put on a relatively low daily dose (10mg) , started on Wednesday, and I'm actually feeling worse. I slept all day, don't want to get up and do anything, even the thought of playing a videogame is unpleasant. I've read that it can make you feel worse for a while before it gets better, but does anyone know if this is true?

Granted, I had a pretty shitty night last night and day today anyway, so it may not be the medication, but I'd be curious to see others' experiences with starting on Paxil.

 

[la flama blanca]

I've found myself being consumed by my anxiety lately. I've been skipping class often because the social interactions make me incredibly uncomfortable. On top of the fact that most people in my class take it way too seriously and tend to freak out over the smallest things. Example: I overwhipped me and my partners whipped cream by 10 seconds because I was trying to finish a pithivier I was behind on making and my partner sees then she yells out "NO THATS TOO MUCH NOW WE HAVE TO RESCALE AND REDO IT" really loudly so the whole class just stares at me. I modestly apologized and brought it to our chef who then tells me its only slightly over and we can still use it. I hand it to my partner to fold it into our mousse and shes just grinding her teeth the whole time. I don't say a word and just bow my head trying to avoid the embarrassment on top of the bullying shit my classmates tend to do (they gather in groups and talk shit about people and their annoyances.) and I watch her walk away to go wash dishes only to then talk shit to people at the dish pit a few feet away.

I can't handle this. My anxiety flares up, I start getting really upset and just want to leave. I can blatantly see when other people are talking about me and people often stare at me. I don't talk to anyone, I sit by myself lately because I'm too anxious to try to communicate to anyone. I only find myself saying sorry and avoiding conversations. It makes being in class difficult because I can no longer focus on the content, I can only focus on people being critical of my existence. It feels like I've been stuffed into a box and set on fire. I make a slight mistake and people freak out. I always say sorry and its not enough. Its like I'm just an annoyance regardless. All of these people went from being my friends to being overly critical of me so I've removed myself to try and ease the tension but to no avail.

So here I am, I've skipped 4 days and I'll probably skip tomorrow. I photoshop doctors notes to get away with my absences and lie to the staff of my school because it always feels like no one takes mental health into consideration or they view it as an excuse. My anxiety has bundled up with my depression and I fear I'm only getting worse. I don't have anyone to talk to about it and I don't want to upset HD because things have been going really well for him lately.

I feel alone and lost.

This is me right now. Man I feel that pain.

 

[Tesseract]

feeling amazing after getting off cymbalta, the whim hof method is keeping me happy and healthy.

cold showers for life.

 

[Steamlord]

I just went to a hypnotherapy session on my psychiatrist's suggestion as kind of a last resort. I still don't know how I feel about that. I'll just have to wait a while and see if there are any results. I guess it was relaxing if nothing else...

 

[A Fish Aficionado]

Do any of you have any experience with Paxil? I've been put on a relatively low daily dose (10mg) , started on Wednesday, and I'm actually feeling worse. I slept all day, don't want to get up and do anything, even the thought of playing a videogame is unpleasant. I've read that it can make you feel worse for a while before it gets better, but does anyone know if this is true?

Granted, I had a pretty shitty night last night and day today anyway, so it may not be the medication, but I'd be curious to see others' experiences with starting on Paxil.

Talk to your doctor right away.

It could just be introductory side effects, but just to be sure.

 

[A Human Becoming]

Despite knowing that getting drunk taking a handful of medications (earlier in the day) was not a good idea, I've never been drunk before so I figured in a social setting why not. But I also tried weed for the first time so maybe that was going too far...