Nice.
Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
- Thread starter Bagels
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Im so sick of my life, tired of being isolated from any kind of social life, love life etc. Im turning jaded and bitter. I find out I have a condition called Nonverbal Learning Disorder (NLD) which makes a lot of sense. It basically means among other things I have a very hard time understanding nonverbal communication like body language etc which means at least 60% of all communication. I just dont feel like its worth living.
Hecatonchires Custom
Member
I posted this last July and I finally moved out last week. I had my ups and downs since then but right after the move everything ended being just like I predicted. My ex forgave me and we're still friends but I don't think I'll ever be able to move on, like I destroyed my one shot at happiness.
tearsofash
Member
The kind of self-harm I participate in isn't really anything a trip to the psych ward helps with.
IceDoesntHelp
Banned
I almost reached that breaking point again tonight. First time in awhile, but i'm stopping myself from doing anything stupid, trying to distract myself from my current issues.
Interesting, I haven't heard of Abilify being used for anxiety and panic in the past. I've come to understand it as a mood stabilization drug, primarily. Then again, I'm not a medical professional. I'm curious to see how it works, Tapejara.
And yeah, Abilify generally isn't one of the weight gaining medications.
Glad you've got some people around that can help you keep your chin up. It should be possible to prevent her from getting in contact, no? Blocking numbers and the such? Though part of the learning process is learning to restrain yourself from knowingly playing into these hurtful situations over and over again.
Two more things:
(a) the Mario Kart DLC is amazing.
(b) My favorite Radiohead album is OK Computer, so check that out if you haven't already. The last three songs of the album are probably the best three song sequence I've ever heard on an album.
What I meant by my question was: you mentioned that you want "real" happiness rather than happiness that just lasts for a few days. What makes happiness "real"? Is it duration? The texture of the happiness? The circumstances that created it?
As for what makes me happy: a sense of connection. With people, or art, or experiences. Feeling connected to my world makes things meaningful. When I'm not connected everything is aimless. Abstract. Pointless, even.
Actually, I lied. That's not what makes me happy. That's what makes me content. I can be content even when I'm not happy. There are some beautifully connected sad feelings out there that have taught me some amazing things.
I think contentedness is a lot more important than happiness.
That sounds like an absolute monster of converging circumstances, NIGHT. Do you feel you have anyone you can talk to about what's going on? Is there anyone helping you or supporting you in these difficult times?
Well, I'd argue that whether or not it's been 15 minutes isn't what's important, it's whether or not you feel you've gone through one "cycle" of trying to get to sleep and are in a place where you realistically feel you're not going to fall asleep. That's how I look at it: Okay, I tried to get to sleep. It didn't work. I need to reset and start over. Hence, getting out of bed, dealing with the emotions and then trying again.
And the purpose of writing definitely isn't to distract you from your feelings, quite the opposite actually! In my experience I need to feel the feelings that are running around in my mind before they'll go away. You can fight your feelings your entire life and you'll never win. The idea with writing, or talking, or just sitting and thinking, or even crying, is to let the emotions take their course and see what they are. Learn about them. Then you can figure out perhaps where they're coming from or what to do about them.
That's why reading doesn't work for me when I can't sleep due to my thoughts; reading is distraction, and distraction doesn't make those thoughts go away, it just delays them.
And thanks for the kind words!
I'm glad you're feeling some momentum, redlegs. That's such a wonderful feeling! It's good to hear that you'll be seeing your therapist more often, and I hope that the medications work out better soon.
Is there some way we can help, Chewie?
For what it's worth, every drug has people out there who have had bad experiences with it, and they're often way more vocal than the ones who doing well on it. That being said, if you have concerns definitely bring them up with your prescribing doctor, they'll know a lot more than any of us.
There are tons of options out there for anxiety, karasu, and Buspar is notorious for being hit or miss. Do you have another appointment with your doctor soon where you can discuss next steps?
There's a Meditation OT you may or may not be aware of, Sub Boss, which has some good resources and discussion. I can also recommend you some good books if you give me a better idea of where you're at with your practice!
I often find that at times when people are leaning on me heavily I, myself, need to lean a bit on someone for support. Do you have anyone you can talk to about the stress and difficulty of those two situations? Anyone who can offer you some support?
I hope for the best for everyone's health, BlueSummers.
That's really unfortunate that the workplace got the wrong idea, DrM. I can't even imagine how frustrating that must be.
I'm curious though, is there anything you can do, when something bad does transpire (which is always surely will), so that you don't spend your whole day thinking about it?
First of all, you should make an appointment with campus mental health services. Three weeks will come and pass before you know it, as it has many, many times before, and they will be able to offer you more comprehensive and personalized care than is available elsewhere.
With that said. I wonder how much of your suffering at this point is because you're suppressing your feelings rather than allowing them? For me, fighting my emotions at every turn causes me some serious, heavy anguish. Why do you feel you need to wear a mask?
Stellar!
Why do you feel it's not worth living, Hermii?
I can think of few things in life that we truly only have one shot at, and the things I'm thinking of aren't what define our lifelong happiness or contentedness, as far as I know. As far as I know, it never feels like we can move on when we're in the thick of it, and we never do move on completely but we always keep moving and that space from our emotions does end up giving space for other things to arise.
I just hope you can make it to your appointment in one piece, tearsofash. We've only got a couple of weeks until the end of the month.
What's put you in such a hard place, IDH? I'm sorry you're suffering.
Sometimes the anticipation of suffering can bring more suffering than the feelings we're actually anticipating. "fear of the fear" if you will. I hope you're able to keep taking it one day at a time, sasliquid; in situations like the one you're journeying through things can and do change daily.
<3
A Fish Aficionado
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me
InfiniteBento
Member
I've found myself being consumed by my anxiety lately. I've been skipping class often because the social interactions make me incredibly uncomfortable. On top of the fact that most people in my class take it way too seriously and tend to freak out over the smallest things. Example: I overwhipped me and my partners whipped cream by 10 seconds because I was trying to finish a pithivier I was behind on making and my partner sees then she yells out "NO THATS TOO MUCH NOW WE HAVE TO RESCALE AND REDO IT" really loudly so the whole class just stares at me. I modestly apologized and brought it to our chef who then tells me its only slightly over and we can still use it. I hand it to my partner to fold it into our mousse and shes just grinding her teeth the whole time. I don't say a word and just bow my head trying to avoid the embarrassment on top of the bullying shit my classmates tend to do (they gather in groups and talk shit about people and their annoyances.) and I watch her walk away to go wash dishes only to then talk shit to people at the dish pit a few feet away.
I can't handle this. My anxiety flares up, I start getting really upset and just want to leave. I can blatantly see when other people are talking about me and people often stare at me. I don't talk to anyone, I sit by myself lately because I'm too anxious to try to communicate to anyone. I only find myself saying sorry and avoiding conversations. It makes being in class difficult because I can no longer focus on the content, I can only focus on people being critical of my existence. It feels like I've been stuffed into a box and set on fire. I make a slight mistake and people freak out. I always say sorry and its not enough. Its like I'm just an annoyance regardless. All of these people went from being my friends to being overly critical of me so I've removed myself to try and ease the tension but to no avail.
So here I am, I've skipped 4 days and I'll probably skip tomorrow. I photoshop doctors notes to get away with my absences and lie to the staff of my school because it always feels like no one takes mental health into consideration or they view it as an excuse. My anxiety has bundled up with my depression and I fear I'm only getting worse. I don't have anyone to talk to about it and I don't want to upset HD because things have been going really well for him lately.
I feel alone and lost.
I can't handle this. My anxiety flares up, I start getting really upset and just want to leave. I can blatantly see when other people are talking about me and people often stare at me. I don't talk to anyone, I sit by myself lately because I'm too anxious to try to communicate to anyone. I only find myself saying sorry and avoiding conversations. It makes being in class difficult because I can no longer focus on the content, I can only focus on people being critical of my existence. It feels like I've been stuffed into a box and set on fire. I make a slight mistake and people freak out. I always say sorry and its not enough. Its like I'm just an annoyance regardless. All of these people went from being my friends to being overly critical of me so I've removed myself to try and ease the tension but to no avail.
So here I am, I've skipped 4 days and I'll probably skip tomorrow. I photoshop doctors notes to get away with my absences and lie to the staff of my school because it always feels like no one takes mental health into consideration or they view it as an excuse. My anxiety has bundled up with my depression and I fear I'm only getting worse. I don't have anyone to talk to about it and I don't want to upset HD because things have been going really well for him lately.
I feel alone and lost.
Apparently there was a whole shitstorm on Wednesday when they received that report in HQ and our store manager could have a nasty headache because of this.
Been talking about that issue from second paragraph with my therapist, but you know, old habits die hard... looks like I have been working in retail for far too long and I have developed some unusual ways of looking at life/things. It would be better for me to quit when I had to leave office for store...
I could see that in this long medical leave, when I had to force myself to try new things (both German and 3D modelling lessons are going great - my therapist gave me a hint about 3D stuff when we discussed things from the past). It is hard hard work to re-think or better said to view things from different perspective. Exhausting, but I made a lot of progress lately. But some events (even small, unimportant ones) still rock my foundations in that way, that I will stay on the spot for day or three, thinking about it, instead of working on something. But that is nasty old habit and I try to shake it off my back.
t would be far easier if I had at least a chance of getting a job in which I would enjoy (like doing land surveying). That would boost my motivation tenfold. But sadly, this is not possible here, so I will have to think about more radical steps, like moving several thousand kilometers away to try my luck somewhere else.
But on the other hand, I am a bit too 'sure' kind of person and I would only move if I found a job before going somewhere...
Fall Into The GAF
Member
I think that's it. Contentedness. I was content on coasting through life, not putting any or enough effort into things because I didn't experience any semblance of consequence...until now. The consequence of my consciousness caving in. My 28th birthday was the spark that lit the fuse. In fact, the thing that comes to mind when I say that is the scene in Breaking Bad where
it's Walt's birthday and he writes out his age in his bacon, and a year later does the same thing after going through what he did.
Also, something I've thought about and it's beginning to frighten me a bit, but has anyone here have had a waning interest in their...well interests as of late? This is a gaming forum after all, and right now my interest in games has waned a bit. Is it because i am going through a depression? Getting older? Burnt out? The thing is, I want to get into it more but financial strains and not having the latest generation hardware kind of soured me a bit. (The DLC/Microtransactions crap certainly doesn't help, but that's just a minor thing to me...)
Yeah, we're using it to stabilize mood. I have other medications to help with anxiety, but my mood has been super low for a while now so we're hoping the change to Abilify will fix that.
littleworm
Member
I don't know if this is the exactly the best place to post this but here it goes. The last 9 months or so have been a steady decent into hell. It all started with a kidney stone last December, since then my anxiety about my health has been getting progressively worse. This has really come to a head in the last month of so, I have this lump near my left rib cage I constantly wake up in the middle of the night with a rapid heart beat and I have been losing weight. Now I know the first thing that would be said is go see a doctor and I am doing that. I went to a Cardiologist last week and he didn't seem concerned and I have an Echo-cardiogram Nov 4th. I'm seeing my primary care physician tomorrow to go over my symptoms. But, I'm so scared, I'm convinced that I have cancer or some other awful disease no matter how hard I try to convince myself other wise. What hurts even worse is the pain I am putting my mom through, I don't have insurance or a job, and my mom tries her best, and I can't stand to see her cry.
I know its difficult but try not to skip class. I've found avoidance exacerbates anxiety/depression by not dealing with the problem. Sometimes it just is a group of people who are just shitty. I remember being in the foulest moods while working some jobs because the people I had to work with were so bitchy and judgemental. Try not to let your self-esteem be influenced by mean-spirited people; they're the problem and not you.
If the course is something you really want to do and it is more about the people who are causing you stress, maybe see if you can defer if you find yourself abstaining too much? A break might relieve some stress and you can re-evaluate the situation without impacting your grades.
I'm sorry I am not sure I am giving the right advice. Hang in there though
Cymbalta's withdrawal side effects are apparently bad enough to have their own name, "Cymbalta Discontinuation Syndrome." >_< I'm definitely feeling a bit better now though (I have had some heavy insomnia for most of the past week but finally managed to get some sleep) - I've only got one more week of "on again, off again" tablet taking, and then I won't be taking any tablets at all for a little while.
Thanks, yep, I'm doing this with a help of a psychologist and a GP. I expected there would be some withdrawal symptoms (I have seen some horror stories from people coming off this drug)...I just hoped they wouldn't last for too long , and needed a bit more reassurance.
DiddysKongQuest
Member
When I would block her on WhatsApp I would still check out her picture in the list of blocked people, so just deleting her number seems to be the better option. She has been blocked on Facebook for weeks and I have no plans for changing that (even though last time she asked me multiple times to do so). My main problem is her instagram and how her profile is not set on private. I still check her out daily, but I hope that my urge to stalk her there will reduce with time. I'm fairly succesful with ignoring her tumblr profile as I would just interpret too much and hope that a post was meant for me.
Sometimes I really hate social media.
The Mario Kart DLC is amazing! I think it's part of the reason my cousins visit me so often is to play the new tracks. Really can't wait to gift them the DLC soon.
I bought all albums of them this week and Kid A and OK Computer are the only ones that have arrived so far. I have been listening to both albums this whole week nonstop. They are an outstanding band and I hope that the rest of their discgraphy arrives soon.
Edit: I just had to check her instagram profile and not only did she remove all the pictures with the new guy, there is no mention of him anywhere anymore. Wouldn't be surprised if she would text me in the next couple of days because of that. Hm.
DiddykongQuest, I think that she will soon contact you. Proceed with utmost caution.
And do not worry if you made mistake at practice work, nobody is perfect on this world - that goes to your classmates also.
Have you considered about talking to doctor/therapist about your anxiety issues? As I said numerous times before, one of my previous GF had severe anxiety issues, but with proper medicine, she is now doing great and she is capable of doing very very stressful job.
InfitineBento, do not mind what other people think about your work or you, try to get as concentrated as you can on your classes. It is not good to skip anything, I know when I had my meltdown in college and missed almost whole month of classes and practice assigments and I was very lucky to made that year in the end...
And do not worry if you made mistake at practice work, nobody is perfect on this world - that goes to your classmates also.
Have you considered about talking to doctor/therapist about your anxiety issues? As I said numerous times before, one of my previous GF had severe anxiety issues, but with proper medicine, she is now doing great and she is capable of doing very very stressful job.
InfiniteBento
Member
The One Who Knocks
Member
Yeah, so, the meeting with the psychiatrist went very well, but to be honest, I'm beginning to think it was a major mistake on her part to make that conclusion; I feel extremely unstable. I feel like I've underwent quite a deal of cognitive decline (my memory pales in comparison to before and I'm forgetting simple things on a daily basis as well as being unable to retain things nearly as well as before [today I went to buy coffee, paid, completely forgot I paid, and went to pay again until I realised I didn't have the money for it anymore]), my problem solving ability has greatly diminished, and I have had great issues with my spelling and handwriting recently (it was never good).
I'm nearly completely isolated, I've fell substantially behind in every module I'm taking, my emotions are cycling between extremes without any major trigger, and I turned to cutting to provide some sense of control and in the process ended up with my arms and chest covered in cuts. Yes, she put a lot of it down to Asperger's Syndrome, but I really don't think it's applicable, and frankly the validity of the diagnosis in the first place is always something I've found rather questionable. The meetings with my counsellor have been nice and everything, but it really doesn't feel like a great level of insight is being made, and the primary benefit being through self-reflection really doesn't seem beneficial to me as I never feel like anything's ever been suggested that is something I haven't already considered, as talking about things really isn't as helpful to me as mental meditation. I'm obviously going to have to convey it to the therapist, but I really am beginning to think it's going to end up necessary for me to defer the year in college.
I'm nearly completely isolated, I've fell substantially behind in every module I'm taking, my emotions are cycling between extremes without any major trigger, and I turned to cutting to provide some sense of control and in the process ended up with my arms and chest covered in cuts. Yes, she put a lot of it down to Asperger's Syndrome, but I really don't think it's applicable, and frankly the validity of the diagnosis in the first place is always something I've found rather questionable. The meetings with my counsellor have been nice and everything, but it really doesn't feel like a great level of insight is being made, and the primary benefit being through self-reflection really doesn't seem beneficial to me as I never feel like anything's ever been suggested that is something I haven't already considered, as talking about things really isn't as helpful to me as mental meditation. I'm obviously going to have to convey it to the therapist, but I really am beginning to think it's going to end up necessary for me to defer the year in college.
I'm glad that you feel like you're making progress DrM, and even just knowing a thing or two about the obstacles still in your path is progress in and of itself. I mean, how much of our life have we gone through without knowing pretty much anything about how we get in our own way and make ourselves suffer, or understanding what sorts of things are standing between us and greater peace of mind?
It's all easier said than done, so certainly don't feel like you're weak for not being able to just not think about it. The mind does as it wants most of the time, and it takes us a long, long time to retrain it.
I've found that interests have waxed and waned as I've gotten older. The key is to see when one of them is waning, accept that rather than trying to force it otherwise, and then try to find other things to fill that gap. My interest in video games has been going up and down the past couple of years - I'll play pretty often for a few months and then go a few months where I play maybe once every two weeks.
Though I still keep up with the news and drama on GAF!
So maybe it's time to find some new things to reinvigorate your interest in life? I can guarantee that there are tons of things out there that could be new and upcoming interests that you just haven't tried yet.
I know that's just one aspect of your larger late-20s malaise, but perhaps starting somewhere and making a bit of progress will give you a bit more momentum to keep working on other things, you know?
Ah okay, that makes sense. I hope it works out, Tapejara. Abilify definitely lifts the mood.
First of all, I hope you get a clean bill of health, littleworm.
Irrational fear or anxiety about physical health can be really scary and frustrating. It seems as though this situation has latched onto some sort of preexisting / underlying anxiety or fear about your physical health and has really run with it. Are there any local resources through which you could pursue counseling? If you're a student you should be able to get services through your University.
I hope your appointment today went well.
My recommendation is to block her on social media, too, and if you still look at her stuff, go ahead and deactivate your accounts. When I went through my last big break-up I took a long break from Facebook. I don't have any other social media accounts so I can't speak to how they work, exactly.
I'm guessing you don't want to, though, because it sounds like some little part of you is holding out some little bit of hope and isn't ready to let go. In that case, it may just be something that comes in time and with further experience.
As far as Radiohead albums:
Amazing:
The Bends
OK Computer
Kid A
Also really good:
Amnesiac
In Rainbows
Just okay:
Hail to the Thief
So bad I wonder how it's the same band:
Pablo Honey
You should be able to get counseling and psychiatric services through your University, IB. Have you gotten in touch with those services at your school before?
Also, it's very, very important that you go to class, and if you're not able to, it's very important that you get in touch with your teachers ASAP to discuss the situation. They can be very sympathetic and understanding, and they're more likely to help you figure out accommodations if they hear about what's going on sooner rather than later.
I'm sorry you're having a tough time, TOWK. Did you relay all of those concerns to your psychiatrist? If not, then it's important that you do so. If so, and you still feel that he or she isn't understanding how you're feeling then it may be worth looking into finding a different doctor.
As far as therapy: if you'd rather do exercises like meditation instead of analyzing your situation then look into therapists who provide Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT). It's a mindfulness based treatment regimen which works very well for people.
That being said, often considering and reconsidering why you're feeling what you're feeling can be very helpful and can bring long term results even if in the short term it's extremely uncomfortable. Hopefully your therapist can help you come to insights you didn't have before, but it's always going to be a slow burn, and ultimately the therapist should both offer you perspective and gently guide you to your own lessons and conclusions.
Again, I encourage you to bring these things up with your therapist directly. And then if you want a second opinion surely there are many more to be had out there.
<3
Rafa=FedKilla
Banned
Yeah, probably going to see a psychiatrist soon. Current regimen just isn't working. Just can't get a handle on my overwhelming anxiety even in situations I have complete mastery of. I go into a panic way to easily. I'd say racing thoughts and highly anxious is pretty much baseline and it only gets worse from there. I had a date the other night and pretty much panicked like I was on fire or that Michael Cera had manifested himself into every situation. Just have no confidence and since my anxiety makes me place such importance on everyday events, I feel like I have to do more than I have to or every situation is like World War 2.
littleworm
Member
Went and saw the physician today, she said that I was alright, and that the mass I was feeling wasn't a tumor, and every thing else seemed good, minus my slightly elevated heart rate which is the norm for me at the doctor. She said that I definitely have some anxiety issues and we discussed it and after some discussion she prescribed me some sertraline. She said not to expect the first prescription to be perfect and that we would have to adjust the dosage and type of medicine, which I'm OK with, I understand these things take time. I'll definitely look into counseling services, and see if that is a route I want to go down, once I get insurance at the beginning of the year, or just go earlier if I feel I really need it. I'm hoping to get my stress under control and get a job of some type and get my social life together, hopefully giving myself something to do will help get my mind of my anxiety, and over time it'll get easier for me.
InfiniteBento
Member
I go to a pastry specific school. Its not like other colleges where they offer options like that, unfortunately. I wish though because honestly, I would take them up on something so I could get myself some kind of assistance. Mentally, I've been a fucking wreck lately. Its so hard to motivate myself to do anything but sleep.
pixelation
Member
I'm dead already, i just haven't been buried yet.
DiddysKongQuest
Member
I was terrified when I got a message from an unknown number last night. Luckily it wasn't her.
But I'm a dumb fuck anyway and asked her on instagram (when I was really, really drunk) if she wants to join us tonight in a pub. She is at a concert though and can't come over, but the fact that I even asked is terrible enough. She also confirmed that her boyfriend is history and the reason for the breakup was that they both didn't feel "it" anymore. Absolutely ridiculous.
I'm really sorry, guys. I'm so grateful for every answer I get in this thread and how you want to help me. But I feel like I always end up doing the exact opposite of what you and my friends are suggesting. And that sucks.
I don't use instagram and tumblr anymore, but I know both addresses from her accounts by heart. Especially when I'm drunk I check them out and feel bad afterwards.
You are right, there is still this tiny bit of hope inside of me (especially now after the breakup) and even though I really want to let go, I can't. And after everything she has done to me in the last couple of months my feelings towards her don't make sense.
And yeah, Pablo Honey is not really a good album. There is a huge quality difference between PH and later albums. And where is The King Of Limbs in your ranking?
The illness has started to affect my ears, manifesting in off and on ear pain and sensitivity to certain pitches (mostly the higher ones). Once I realized it (you'd be surprised how far denial can go), I completely broke down and have been numb ever since. I feel irrevocably broken, like this was the last straw, the last thing I can bear. Take my legs, take my brain, take anything but my ears. I just can't deal anymore.
In the midst of this, I've been slowly putting together a late work of Brahms, his Intermezzo Op. 119, No. 1. Brahms didn't actually write a lot of solo piano music. Just a bunch of large-scale works in the beginning of his career and then some miniatures just before his death. By the time he wrote this Intermezzo, he felt like he was finished with larger projects and he was also trying to keep his dear friend Clara Schumann (renowned concert pianist) going in both body and soul. She was suffering from an extended illness which would soon kill her and playing through these pieces (she could only play a few minutes at a time by this point) would give her occasional moments of joy in the midst of agony. She wrote of this piece to Brahms, and I quote, "You must have known how enthusiastic I would be when you were copying out that bittersweet piece which, for all its discords, is so wonderful. Now, one actually revels in the discords, and, when playing them, wonders how the composer ever brought them to birth. Thank you for this new, magnificent gift!"
For a bunch of reasons (some obvious, some not), this piece speaks to me in a way it was unable to when I was first exposed to it, almost two decades ago. Watching my own body fall apart has made it increasingly clear to me that if I ever want to perform this, I need to do it now. I haven't performed in public in over three years. Some friends of mine are doing a masterclass on the 1st of November. It's normally for singers to perform what they've been working on but if I feel well enough, I might bop on over and make my last statement. This is a big if, as it's very unsafe for me to drive during bad days and at this point, I'm having more bad ones than good ones.
I asked a friend of mine to come over today, not as a singer (his usual role in my life) but as a fellow human being I can pray with. I'm not a very religious person but at this point, I have nothing to lose.
In the midst of this, I've been slowly putting together a late work of Brahms, his Intermezzo Op. 119, No. 1. Brahms didn't actually write a lot of solo piano music. Just a bunch of large-scale works in the beginning of his career and then some miniatures just before his death. By the time he wrote this Intermezzo, he felt like he was finished with larger projects and he was also trying to keep his dear friend Clara Schumann (renowned concert pianist) going in both body and soul. She was suffering from an extended illness which would soon kill her and playing through these pieces (she could only play a few minutes at a time by this point) would give her occasional moments of joy in the midst of agony. She wrote of this piece to Brahms, and I quote, "You must have known how enthusiastic I would be when you were copying out that bittersweet piece which, for all its discords, is so wonderful. Now, one actually revels in the discords, and, when playing them, wonders how the composer ever brought them to birth. Thank you for this new, magnificent gift!"
For a bunch of reasons (some obvious, some not), this piece speaks to me in a way it was unable to when I was first exposed to it, almost two decades ago. Watching my own body fall apart has made it increasingly clear to me that if I ever want to perform this, I need to do it now. I haven't performed in public in over three years. Some friends of mine are doing a masterclass on the 1st of November. It's normally for singers to perform what they've been working on but if I feel well enough, I might bop on over and make my last statement. This is a big if, as it's very unsafe for me to drive during bad days and at this point, I'm having more bad ones than good ones.
I asked a friend of mine to come over today, not as a singer (his usual role in my life) but as a fellow human being I can pray with. I'm not a very religious person but at this point, I have nothing to lose.
I've always liked Sarah for some reason, even though I don't like anything she's in.
Nice read
tearsofash
Member
Sometimes I get on facebook and vent, or make a progress update ... and then people come out of the woodworks to project themselves onto me.
Like...look...Herbs, exercising, 5-DHT, Vitamin B, and all that usually just make me feel worse. I have things beside just depression or a little anxiety. Gah.
Know what I mean?
Sunlight does help though.
Like...look...Herbs, exercising, 5-DHT, Vitamin B, and all that usually just make me feel worse. I have things beside just depression or a little anxiety. Gah.
Know what I mean?
Sunlight does help though.
I hope everyone is doing alright. Winter is coming and a lot of people tend to hit a low mood around that time.
I'm kinda laughing at myself a little because of my irrational fears of what would happen if I initiated a conversation even though that's how I made most of my close friends
I'm kinda laughing at myself a little because of my irrational fears of what would happen if I initiated a conversation even though that's how I made most of my close friends
I've had anxiety problems since I was fourteen (over a decade now) and last week is the first time spoke to a doctor about it. I didn't even know I had a GP, it's been that long. He's referring me for CBT and I'm trying citalopram at the mo. It seems to be helping but I dunno how much of that is a placebo. I suppose it doesn't matter if it works? Have these helped you guys in your experiences?
My anxiety's a social one and seems to get worse around people I know and care for, probably a phobia of people reacting badly to things I say, especially people whose opinions I value the most? I get on really well with a girl at work and if I asked her out she probably wouldn't get upset. She's not that sort of person. But I won't ask her because of a fear of that 1% chance I'd lose her as a friend. I can't keep living that way. I have quite a logical mind and that's just illogical. I annoy myself sometimes.
My anxiety's a social one and seems to get worse around people I know and care for, probably a phobia of people reacting badly to things I say, especially people whose opinions I value the most? I get on really well with a girl at work and if I asked her out she probably wouldn't get upset. She's not that sort of person. But I won't ask her because of a fear of that 1% chance I'd lose her as a friend. I can't keep living that way. I have quite a logical mind and that's just illogical. I annoy myself sometimes.
I'm putting these in bullet points, as I'm too stressed out to further elaborate, and I'm really tired.
I'm really starting to hate people. When I think I'm meeting someone who's fantastic & they promise that they want to meet up with me on a later date, they will go and stood me up and pretend that they don't know me. After the 57th time this has happened, I'm considering if it's even worth the effort trying to make new friends, if it all adds up to people looking at me like I'm sort of freak show, or they don't make the effort to open up and genuinely like my company.
On that point, if I don't go & make friends, I'll be miserable and upset. But when I go and do everything in the book to make myself look presentable & friendly, people either ignore me or they look at me as if I'm a freak. Both options increase my anxiety, and I'm wondering if home is the only place I should stay.
Aside from my driving lessons, life drawing, applying for work, & gym time, I've been cooped up in my bedroom for the last couple of weeks. I don't feel like going anywhere, and I definitely don't want to spend any money. I just want my old friends to call me and ask if they want to do something with me.
I'm on the waiting list for a mental health group that I'm going to attend, and while I want to say I'm looking forward to it, I don't know if this will lead to anything significant or I'm just going in circles.
Fuck my family for wanting me to do things with them, especially since I can't stomach them any longer, nor can I handle how my sister dismisses everything that I say. I want to dress and groom how I want, so why can't they respect what I want?
I seriously wonder if suicide is illegal. Pretty sure that people will only care for a month, and they will forget about me soon after.
I want the studios to call me back and offer me a job. I'm becoming impatient with how they don't respect my time, especially since I'm becoming tight with money and I want to work with the skills and abilities that I have in hand.
Even when I go and apply for warehouse jobs & such, I'm not hearing back. I do the usual procedure |(call them two-weeks after the interview to ask about the position, etc.), but I'm getting nothing but lemons.
Megalosaro
Banned
To those that have recovered from anorexia?
What was recovery like? How long did it take?
Was it painful?
How much weight did you gain back?
When did the bloating and water retention end?
What was recovery like? How long did it take?
Was it painful?
How much weight did you gain back?
When did the bloating and water retention end?
The past 24 hours I've had I've had this sense of dread in the back of my mind. Just this inevitability that something horrible is going to happen. That's a new one for me.
I've also been having bad dreams for the past few nights, which is also new for me. Nothing more frustrating than starting the day on the wrong foot because your subconscious mind which you have no control over decides to dream about very unpleasant things.
Also, I've been on Zoloft about a month now and I still don't think I'm feeling any better.
I still really ought to see a therapist...
I've also been having bad dreams for the past few nights, which is also new for me. Nothing more frustrating than starting the day on the wrong foot because your subconscious mind which you have no control over decides to dream about very unpleasant things.
Also, I've been on Zoloft about a month now and I still don't think I'm feeling any better.
I still really ought to see a therapist...
Today has been a hard day. Spent the last few hours crying off and on over this crushing sense of loneliness that seems to always be hovering over me. I haven't been holding these feelings back it just took awhile to build up for me to just let it out. I worry that once I do have a job and make new friends I'll still feel empty and lonely like I do now. What if nothing I do can fill this void inside me? The harder I try it seems the harder the depression pushes back against my efforts.
SeriousApes
Member
I actually prefer the more gloomy seasons. Maybe it's because I feel, in some way, that the cold and cloudy weather somehow justifies my mood. It's more fitting, I guess. Being depressed on a balmy sunny day seems worse.
Though living in Vegas, I do appreciate rainy and overcast days, since it's usually sunny throughout most of the year.
I've been feeling increasingly disconnected from reality. It's like I'm just watching a movie. I feel out of it, like I can't focus. But at the same time, I become hyper-focused on little details in the world. I feel groundless, and like I'm sinking within myself.
Totally agree with how you feel about gloomy seasons. I live in Southern California and feel the exact same way.
I also definitely know how you feel in regards to feeling disconnected from reality and all that. Been having a bit of that myself lately.
My winters are always worse, both physically and emotionally. But I also live in Seattle.
We only really get four sunny months out of the year.Rafa=FedKilla
Banned
These Pristiq withdrawals are really humbling.
Anti-depressant withdrawals are really awful. Hang in there.
Rafa=FedKilla
Banned
Tomorrow I go to psychiatrist for first time.
In one of my counseling sessions we talked about my educational achievements and work history. The councellor said that I had actually achieved a lot by graduating university and finding stable employment, considering the background I come from. She said a lot of others who had been through the same childhood environment would not have done so well.
Recently I decided to trawl Facebook to see what the people I grew up with are doing these days. It looks as though my psychologist was not far wrong. Lots are long term unemployed or are manual laboring. Most look unhappy and out of shape in the pictures they have up. It's helped me to put my own situation and standing into perspective and be more forgiving of the fact that I am still not where I want to be.
I've been making some small albeit existent progress over the last few weeks:
- I've noticed that I can now join gym classes and lessons without any nerves whatsoever; it just comes naturally.
- I said hi to someone on the gym floor that I met earlier in a gym class. I was nervy when I said this and Hi was all I could say, but it's progress.
- I more recently (today) saw another gym member on the gym floor that I recognised from a gym class and we got into a conversation. I felt nervous as fuck and I don't know why. Fear of coming across as weird? Anyway she seemed to be of a nervous disposition as well so that really helped. Overall the conversation went OK I think. It's all practice, is how I'm thinking about it.
- I just invited a friend I recently got back in contact with to meet up for lunch some day soon. I sent this invitation with no nerves whatsoever, which is AWESOME, as I never would have been able to do this a year ago
- I've attempted to get into contact with an old Uni friend who I lost contact with in 2012. Sent him an email message earlier this evening. As above I felt no nerves whilst doing this
Now for the negatives:
-Over the past 2 weeks I have tried to wean myself off of the antidepressants. This has led to symptoms of my depression returning (negative thoughts generating out of nowhere with no logical root cause, feelings of hopelessness). I've gone back on them. This is frustrating as I was hoping not to be on antidepressants for life.
- I feel like my old work colleagues are leaving me out, but I also strongly believe that this feeling has no reasonable basis and is just my mind trying to sabotage itself with negative bullshit. The feelings have come about for two reasons:
1. One of my ex work colleagues who I stayed in touch with went to the birthday event of another work colleague, with other work colleagues, but I wasn't invited. My rational counterpoints to this are:
a. that maybe a lot of ex work colleagues who I also worked with were not invited. Of the department I worked in only one was there.
b. I was quite quiet in my time at this employer and didn't interact huge deal with the birthday person involved. Maybe I wasn't invited because it was only for those that were close.
c. They likely would have invited me if I decided to take a more active role in their lives, and there is nothing rational to suggest that I am not liked my them.
2. Another ex work colleague who I friend-requested on Facebook never responded, but there is activity on his page. The obvious rational counter-argument to this is that:
a. None of that activity was from the work colleague in question so there is nothing to suggest that he has logged into Facebook since the request was sent
b. He's always been friendly and engaging towards me in our Whatsapp group, so it makes absolutely no sense that he would suddenly snub me on Facebook
God, fighting irrational thoughts is though work sometimes!
Recently I decided to trawl Facebook to see what the people I grew up with are doing these days. It looks as though my psychologist was not far wrong. Lots are long term unemployed or are manual laboring. Most look unhappy and out of shape in the pictures they have up. It's helped me to put my own situation and standing into perspective and be more forgiving of the fact that I am still not where I want to be.
I've been making some small albeit existent progress over the last few weeks:
- I've noticed that I can now join gym classes and lessons without any nerves whatsoever; it just comes naturally.
- I said hi to someone on the gym floor that I met earlier in a gym class. I was nervy when I said this and Hi was all I could say, but it's progress.
- I more recently (today) saw another gym member on the gym floor that I recognised from a gym class and we got into a conversation. I felt nervous as fuck and I don't know why. Fear of coming across as weird? Anyway she seemed to be of a nervous disposition as well so that really helped. Overall the conversation went OK I think. It's all practice, is how I'm thinking about it.
- I just invited a friend I recently got back in contact with to meet up for lunch some day soon. I sent this invitation with no nerves whatsoever, which is AWESOME, as I never would have been able to do this a year ago
- I've attempted to get into contact with an old Uni friend who I lost contact with in 2012. Sent him an email message earlier this evening. As above I felt no nerves whilst doing this
Now for the negatives:
-Over the past 2 weeks I have tried to wean myself off of the antidepressants. This has led to symptoms of my depression returning (negative thoughts generating out of nowhere with no logical root cause, feelings of hopelessness). I've gone back on them. This is frustrating as I was hoping not to be on antidepressants for life.
- I feel like my old work colleagues are leaving me out, but I also strongly believe that this feeling has no reasonable basis and is just my mind trying to sabotage itself with negative bullshit. The feelings have come about for two reasons:
1. One of my ex work colleagues who I stayed in touch with went to the birthday event of another work colleague, with other work colleagues, but I wasn't invited. My rational counterpoints to this are:
a. that maybe a lot of ex work colleagues who I also worked with were not invited. Of the department I worked in only one was there.
b. I was quite quiet in my time at this employer and didn't interact huge deal with the birthday person involved. Maybe I wasn't invited because it was only for those that were close.
c. They likely would have invited me if I decided to take a more active role in their lives, and there is nothing rational to suggest that I am not liked my them.
2. Another ex work colleague who I friend-requested on Facebook never responded, but there is activity on his page. The obvious rational counter-argument to this is that:
a. None of that activity was from the work colleague in question so there is nothing to suggest that he has logged into Facebook since the request was sent
b. He's always been friendly and engaging towards me in our Whatsapp group, so it makes absolutely no sense that he would suddenly snub me on Facebook
God, fighting irrational thoughts is though work sometimes!
Good luck!
Ugh. I can't stop drinking. It's gotten better, but I take advantage of every single time that my wife isn't around to start up again. I don't get ridiculous or anything (anymore), but it's definitely not good. I don't know what it is - I went the entire last week on vacation without wanting any, but the moment I get home and I have the free time, I want it.
It's one of those "I know what I need to do, but I fucking suck at it" scenarios.
It's one of those "I know what I need to do, but I fucking suck at it" scenarios.
It sounds like you've got a solid plan, littleworm, and I hope that plan can give you a bit of momentum to keep going for the time being. Setraline can really help with anxiety, so I'm hopefully it'll work for you; if it doesn't, though, rest assured that there are many, many other options out there waiting to be tried.
Well first things first: let me reiterate, again, that it is VERY important that you get in touch with your teachers or school administrators ASAP to talk to them about what's going on if you're unable to attend classes. Please, please, please drop them a line if you haven't already and are still missing classes. And if you're at all able to go to class, go. The longer it snowballs the tougher it is, but it isn't too late.
As far as getting assistance, there may still be options out there even though you aren't able to get a set-up through your school. Have you tried calling your local crisis counseling hotline or comparable resource? They're often pretty knowledgeable about the resources in the area and may be able to guide you toward some possibilities that work with those who don't have insurance.
I hope this week is a bit more bearable, IB.
How so, pixelation?
No need to apologize, DKQ. There's often a gap between when we receive advice and when we're ready to take it. If you're still holding on then there's little our words can do to force you across the way; rather, the hope is that the advice you receive will help you attain further clarity and then, when your internal position does shift, you'll know what to do.
Not that I don't think you shouldn't continue trying your best to follow what you think you "need" to be doing. Just saying there's always room for error.
Haven't listened to the King of Limbs, actually. I heard mixed things and decided to just stop after In Rainbows instead of following Radiohead for the rest of time hoping their next album will be good. I already do that with way too many artists that have long since peaked and it's sorta lame to buy album after album hoping THIS one is the one where they'll get it together again when it's pretty clear they're running low on new ideas. I've been disappointed by 3 Muse albums in a row now - not that any of them are awful but they've all got, like, a few good songs, which is a shadow of their former work.
Not that Radiohead is quite there yet, but I already feel that, in my opinion, they peaked with OK Computer & Kid A. If they come out with another incredible work I'm sure I'll hear about it (like I did with In Rainbows). Otherwise even their good stuff, like Amnesiac, just sorta feels like "Radiohead, again".
That's a beautiful piece, jb, and I hope I get to hear your rendition at some point. I'm sorry to hear about the ear pain; there's nothing I can say, really, to speak to the magnitude of the difficulties you're facing and I don't even begin to claim that I understand.
I still hope to impress you with my Debussy before the year is up. I've learned some more but now I'm in the slump where I'm screwing up things I haven't screwed up in weeks. I think it's because I'm not paying as close attention to the sheet music as I was before; it's slightly memorized, but not completely.
Is there any way you can arrange transportation for the master class so you don't have to drive?
Also, there's certainly nothing wrong with spiritual exploration. I'd be happy to speak to you at some point about the virtues of meditation and mindfulness if you'd like to hear it; if not, that is okay, too.
That's why I implemented my rule:
Never post anything on Facebook.
Ever.
So far I've only broken the rule twice this entire year.
Social advances always constitute a risk. The reward, as you said, though, can be absolutely worth it.
GD - CBT is a good recommendation and is proven to help in most cases with anxiety symptoms. Citalopram is also a solid choice, as it's worked well for many people for anxiety symptoms. If it doesn't work for you then rest assured that there are many, many options for anxiety out there you can also try.
I have not been on citalopram but I've been on a similar drug and both it and counseling helped my anxiety tremendously - though both take time and required me to work on myself rather than sit around and wait for medicine to fix all of my problems (which I did for years).
Emotions are the definition of illogical, unfortunately. There probably isn't a right or wrong answer; every social risk has its potential downsides and potential upsides.
Any sense of what's keeping you awake? Racing thoughts? Sadness? Restlessness? Just general insomnia?
I hope you feel better, Kwixotik.
See responses in quote.
Sounds like there's something big romping around in the back of your mind, just out of view, making itself known. For me it was existential dread, the meaninglessness of all existence. No way for sure to say what it is for you, Kipp. I hope you're able to find some clarity on it, and I agree that a therapist could be very helpful in guiding you through.
While it's not as simple as have friends = contentment forever, or have job = happy, both will likely contribute to a greater sense of meaning and purpose, and as long as you keep an ear to the ground and try to keep learning from your feelings you should forever be moving closer and closer to understanding what you truly want and need out of life and how you can best attain it. A lot of people think the answer is "money" but I have not found that to be the case.
Have you gained any more clarity, NIGHT? Perhaps you could sit with your feelings and write or talk them outloud or think them through. Do you have anyone you feel comfortable speaking with?
I hope the appointment goes well, RFK.
Wow, ceramic, it sounds like you're making tremendous progress...and I seriously mean that. It's also amazing to me how precisely you're able to break down these experiences to understand what happened, what it made you feel, and how you need to grow as a result. That is absolutely invaluable!
I really do have to say, though, please please please do not wean off of medications without the supervision of a doctor. It sounds as though you need the medication for now. For now does not mean forever. But right now we are still in "for now" so it doesn't make sense to stop now. Do we diet today because we're afraid we'll gain weight in 10 years? No. We must respond to the situation as it is, not as we wish it to be.
The question is, if it weren't drinking, would it be something else?
I used to smoke pot every single day (and could not imagine a day without it) and when I finally stopped lying to my therapist about it I was very surprised by his response. I was expecting him to command me to stop. Instead he said it was important for us to figure out what was motivating me to need an escape every single day, because if we could pin that down and resolve it then my weed habit would naturally subside. He was completely right. The more I stopped running from my problems, the more I confronted them, the less I needed an escape, the less I smoked weed until I finally quit for good.
So I wonder, in your circumstance - what is so unbearable about a night without alcohol? What is so scary about it?
(these may also be questions better worked through with a counselor or therapist than here on GAF, but still worth thinking about!)
<3
A Fish Aficionado
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me
I feel like you tag should be changed to "therapist in residence"
So I have a therapist, and I've been in an outpatient program a couple of times...but it's honestly a bit of boredom. I do it because it helps me not give a shit about any and everything. On one hand, I don't seem to drink out of obsession (so I don't go out of my way to do it), but on the other hand, if I don't have anything else to do, then I decide that drinking may be an acceptable substitute.
I try to plan my days so I don't run into scenario 2, but it happens every now and again, when things get canceled, etc. It's so annoying, knowing what to do, but not being able to do it all the time.
karasu
Member
Are you getting the brain zaps or night terrors?
- Status